Family Guy (1998–…): Season 12, Episode 13 - 3 Acts of God - full transcript

It seems today
that all you see

Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man
who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!

All right, who's ready
for a little tailgating?

Hey, Brian,
toss me a cold one!



Ah. Nothing better
than a 7:00 a.m. beer

in an unbrushed mouth.

Peter, I don't want
you drinking too much.

You're driving
us all home.

Lois, I know
how many beers I can drink

and still be able to drive.

I figured it out.

Seven.

Six.

Hey, Cleveland,
what are you doing back in town?

Just back up here
for my monthly haircut.

When a black man finds
a barber, it's for life.

Oh, my God, there's the CEO
of my company!

Now's my chance
to impress him.



Hey, Mr. Carlisle!

Check this out.

That's what I can do
for the company.

Really?

Can you do other
things for the company?

No! No! No! I don't want
to be promoted that way!

I want to be promoted

the shooting-hawks
with-a-crossbow way.

"The NFL Experience."

That sounds cool.

Kid, you're the best.

Sign with me, and you're
gonna make millions.

Griffin, get out there!

Ow!
It's his knee.

Doc?!

You'll never
play football again.

Too bad, kid.

You was gonna
buy me a house!

Now I have headaches.

I'm gonna save my brain
for science.

Come on, guys.
It's game time.

Yeah!
Patriots!

All right! This is the greatest
Sunday tradition ever.

Except for getting
all my cutaway gags

ready for the week.

Okay, my Great-Uncle-wears
a-ski-hat-all-the-time Griffin

will be followed
by Nick Nolte's handkerchief,

followed by Japanese Abe
Lincoln, and then monkey rabbi.

Hey, where's the monkey rabbi?

Here's your Torah.
You be here on Tuesday at 9:00.

Check in with Shirley.

You gonna need me
this week?

Ah, maybe.
Maybe, Friday.

Uh, now, where are the gays?

Over here.
No, no, no, the really cartoony gays?

Yoo-hoo!

There you are. We're gonna
need you guys all week.

Okay, Brian, so what are the rules?
What?

Rules? What are the rules?
How do you make points?

Oh, no.
Come on, we're here.

Just give me
the Cliff Notes version.

Like-like who's the guy
with the football ball?

It's just called
a football.

Okay, okay, shorthand lingo.
I like it. I like it.

Now, I see some elements
of Red Rover

with a little bit
of spud mixed in.

And is anyone ever going
to blow a raspberry

on the quarterback's belly?

No, Stewie, that
never happens.

Down goes Brady!

And it looks like
Williams is pulling up his shirt

and having a little fun
with his tummy!

Look! He's doing it!

Aw, this is my favorite part
of the game.

When two drunk guys,
each holding a baby,

get into a fistfight.

You're stupid!

No, you're stupid!

Oh, now their wives
are getting into it.

They're gonna put
their cigarettes

in their mouths
and bump boobs.

You got no class,
you bitch!

No, ygot no class!

And now here comes security
to kick out the wrong person.

Come on, Miyagi,
take that karate outside!

With a five-point lead
and only ten seconds left,

all the Patriots have to do
is kneel down with the ball,

and the game is...
Oh, my God, it's a fumble!

It's picked up by the Bills,

and they're gonna score
the game-winning touchdown!

Oh, come on!

My God,
ten losses in a row?!

This whole season's been
one long bad dream.

Yeah, like that one
where I walk into the bank,

and I ain't got
no clothes on.

Sir, what are you doing?
You have no clothes on.

Ah, must be having one
of those dreams again.

Better wake myself up.

Oh, thank God.

Well, time to apply for
this small business loan.

We now return to Turner
Classic Movies' presentation

of John Wayne's final Western,
Big Bill Doyle.

Big Bill, two men got off
the 2:40 from Amarillo.

Saddle my horse.

John Wayne only ate beef
and coffee for every meal,

so the director had to shoot
around the fact

that he was on the toilet
all the time.

Yee-hoo!
Yee-hoo!

Reach for the sky, pilgrims.

Big Bill Doyle!

That's right.

And I just made
a Big Bill coil.

Damn it,
I'm so angry

the stupid
Pats lost.

And to Buffalo!

Buffalo's got
everything.

They don't need
a win like this.

You know, I am gonna
channel this anger

into something useful.

Like trying to get sand
out of my backpack.

It's been four years
since I went to the beach!

Try turning it
inside out.

Don't you think
I tried that?!

That's the first
thing I did!

We now return
to the Fox NFL Post-Game Show.

I'm here with
C.J. Spiller.

C.J., you ran for
200 yards today.

How did you manage that
against the Patriots' defense?

Well, we just gelled
as a team today,

and was fortunate
to come away with the win.

All thanks
and praise goes to God.

He really won
this one for us.

Mario Williams, you scored
the winning touchdown.

How does it feel
to beat the Patriots?

I'd like to thank God
and a jury of my peers,

who are both responsible for
me being able to play today.

What the hell?!
This is such bull crap!

Well, what are you talking about?
Isn't it obvious?

God hates the Patriots.

He made 'em lose again!

Peter, uncross your legs.

It's weird to yell
with your legs crossed.

Come on, don't you notice that
whenever the Patriots lose,

the other team
always thanks God?

Huh. Peter does kind
of have a point.

Guys, I'm tired of God
messing with football.

We got to do something
about it!

Like what?

We got to find God

and tell him
to cut the crap.

How many times
is God gonna ruin our Sunday

with both church
and bad football?

It's time someone told God
to stay where He belongs...

in our schools,

and-and telling people where
they can stick their wieners.

Now, what do you say?

Let's go find God!

All right, I'm in!
Me, too!

Let's do this!

Whoa, whoa, Joe, Joe!
What the hell?!

What?

I thought, uh, "Find God"
was a code word.

No. We meant literally
go and find him.

Oh. Well, I already
texted Bonnie.

Ugh. What a night.

Whew! What... a... night.

Ca... ray... zy.

Uh, yes, telegram
for hungover.

Yes, I'll-I'll sign for that,
thank you very much.

Oh, boy.

How was your
night, Stewie?

Ugh! Get your own life, bro.

Get off my sack.

Well, Lois, the guys and
I are off to find God.

Peter, that's ridiculous.

This is ridiculous?

There's 500 old grocery
bags neatly folded

and crammed into
one of our cabinets.

I'm leaving those
for the kids.

Peter, the idea of God,
let alone

that he'd care anything
about football, is absurd.

Well, it's absurd to think that
my hand scratching on the couch

is some kind of animal,
but you do.

What the is that?

Okay, this is God's house,
so we'll just go in there,

talk to Him, and take care
of this whole thing.

It'll be easy as one, two...

Three.

Hang on, guys.

I want to enter the church
like Sherman Hemsley in Amen.

Shine on me
Shine on me

Oh, oh, shine
Shine on me

Oh...
Shine on me

Oh-ah-ah-ah
Shine on me

Hey-hey-hey,
hey-hey-hey, hey-hey-hey...

Shine on me

Oh, oh, oh...
Shine on me...

There was a baby's funeral
going on in there.

Huh. God's all over
this Bible,

but they never give you
an exact address.

You guys, look.

I saw this article
in the paper today.

"First Headline Read Aloud
Often Incorrect."

No, no, not that one,
the one below it.

Oh. "Carrie Underwood
Credits Her Success

to Personal Relationship
With God."

You think she knows
where we can find Him?

I'm sure she does.

She's smart.
She won her job in a contest.

Guys, we are going to Nashville.

Don't worry.
That wasn't our line.

Here comes our line.

Wow, the Country
Music Awards!

And you know it's huge 'cause
it's on a Tuesday night.

Hey, look, there's
Taylor Swift.

And there's Taylor
Not-So-Swift.

I broke up with
a birthday cake.

Ugh. We went on,
like, two dates.

Hey, you're Carrie Underwood,
right?

I sure am.
You want an autograph?

Yeah, can you get me
Randy Travis's?

Uh, I don't think so.

Hey, in that song,
"Jesus, Take the Wheel,"

was that, like, the real Jesus,
or was it just some Mexican guy?

No, it was the
real Jesus.

Wow. So, you know Him?

We're actually looking
for His father.

Do you know
where we can find God?

Well, God is
everywhere.

He's in our hearts, and we take
Him with us wherever we go.

Yeah, we're looking for,
like, an address.

Look, you guys,
I don't know who you are,

but I have
to go perform.

Peter, I don't think
she knows where God is.

Let's go.

Hey, you know I don't like
you talking to other guys.

I'm sorry, Jesus.
Whatever.

Give me 40 bucks.
I want to get a Toby Keith hat.

You sure you don't want
to stay for the show?

Nah. This place
gives me the creeps.

Like when I went to
that Pedophile Opera.

We are proud to present Mozart's
The Magic Flute...

in A minor.

And you still won't give us
an Emmy? Come on!

If Modern Famildid that joke,

you'd be carrying 'em around
on your shoulders!

Well, God wasn't in
Nashville either.

Maybe it's time to
throw in the towel.

All right, look, maybe I'm
not like other football fans,

but I don't have a fulfilling
career and a rich family life.

Football is all I got.
Peter's right.

We all live and die
with the Patriots.

Yeah, we got to do this.

Even if it means travelling
to the ends of the Earth.

That's the spirit, guys.
We'll find him.

It can't be any harder
than finding that cheese.

I think the cheese
is that way.

I'm pretty sure
it's over here.

Guys, guys, finding the cheese
is what they want us to do.

Let's just chill.

I don't know where they're
getting all this weed.

"In Greece, it was commonly held
that one could speak to the gods

from the top
of Mount Olympus."

We should probably
go there.

What do you mean "gods"?
There's more than one?

Yes, Peter.
Greece is polytheistic.

Quick, Peter, say something
so he thinks you know

what he's talking about.

Words.

Yeah, you get it.

Apparently, the Greeks have
a bunch of different gods.

Athena's the goddess
of wisdom.

Poseidon is the god
of the sea.

And I am Chronos,
the god of time.

Oh, cool,
what do you do?

I tell the time and
make gift baskets.

So are you also
the god of gift baskets?

I don't know;
you tell me.

Rosewood-mango candle?!

Chronos!

I know, I know.

It's 4:30,
by the way.

All right, what better place
to find God than the birthplace

of all of Western
civilization's great religions

and one really mean one.

I had a feeling this is
what this place would be like.

Oh, God, it's so hot out.
Why is there never any parking downtown?

Who gets married on a Tuesday?
I got to get off these bad feet.

Ailments!

Oh, look, Joe's
feeding 'em pennies.

Oh, oh!
Somebody take a picture.

I can't believe we didn't
find God in Jerusalem.

Well, we'll have
to keep looking.

Oh, here's our bus
to the airport.

Wow.

That was super loud.

Ah, India, the most spiritual
country in the world.

God is not here.

Well, that whole
trip was pointless.

Yeah, plus I left
my Jacuzzi on the whole time,

came home
to a boiled raccoon.

You guys, I feel terrible.

I'm sorry I dragged you around
the world looking for God.

I guess it was
a huge waste of time.

Like bringin' a married guy
to Vegas.

So I'm thinking steak house.
Do they have salad? I can't eat red meat.

Yeah. Then we hit the tables.
I'm already down 30 bucks.

Maybe the sportsbook.
Is that near Caesars?

I got to get Brandy
a Celine Dion T-shirt.

And then the strip club.
Guys, we have a 7:00 a.m. tee time.

And are we just gonna bail
on the Hoover Dam?

Hey, guys.

Hey, Death.
What are you doing here?

Actually, I'm here
for your show.

Oh, come on, man.
I'm on vacation.

Wait a minute, Death,
you work with God!

Will you take us to Him?

Sure, I guess
I could.

But don't
you mean "her"?

Look at your faces!

Of course it's a dude.
Come on, let's go.

Aw, Death, we really appreciate
you taking us to see God.

No problem.

I was supposed
to kill Russell Brand,

but I'll just
do this instead.

Oh, w-well, wait, wait now.

I mean, you could just
pick us up after...

What the...
Where the hell are we?

This is Heaven.
This is Heaven?!

It looks
like a Sandals.

Oh, hey, I'm God.
Welcome to Heaven.

Oh, you got
to be kidding me!

Handicapped is still
a thing up here?

Oh, yeah, you're
like this forever.

Hey, how come everyone
has different kinds of towels?

Well, we don't provide towels;
you have to bring your own.

It's very important
that you die holding towels.

Have the priests
not been passing this along?

It's very important.

You know, I actually can't
believe they let me into Heaven.

They won't even let me umpire
little league games anymore.

Strike two!

And, Ricky, you have got
the best ass on this field.

Look, God, the reason we're
here is we wanted to tell you

to stop messing
with the Patriots!

What?!

You really think I'd get
involved with football games

when there's people dying
in Africa?

Are you gonna do something about
the people dying in Africa?

No, but I'm pretty upset
about it.

Come off it, God,
you know what you're doing.

Stop making
the Patriots lose!

I'm God. I don't
have to do anything.

Ah, so you admit it!

Maybe.

Oh, my God,
it's true?!

You don't, like, pay attention

to how much each individual tips
at each meal, right?

Look, look, God, why... why
you got to hurt Patriots fans?

These are good, drunk people

who work hard to get
absolutely nowhere in life.

There are three million
fishermen

and only seven fish left
in the sea.

But they live to watch football,

many of them still on Zenith
or Sylvania television sets.

Please, God, we're beggin' ya,

leave football alone.

It's all we got.

Look, it-it's not the fans.

It's just...
It's Belichick.

I don't like him.

I gave that guy three Super
Bowls, and he never smiled once.

Not even at home.
Be grateful!

But... but that's
just Belichick.

Yeah, come on, God.

Um, I'm locked out
of my room again.

Oh, yeah, go directly
to the boss.

Don't even try to ask
an employee.

You got to lock
the doors in Heaven?

One guy lost a laptop,
and everybody went nuts.

All right, all right,
I'll tell you what.

If you make Belichick smile,
I'll let the Patriots win again.

Oh. Okay, you're on.

I don't know, Peter,
that's gonna be tough.

Don't worry, I got a lot of
practice making people smile.

I used to be a celebrity
baby photographer.

Okay, Apple, Apple,
smile for Peter.

Smile for... No? No?

Okay, okay, look over there.
Who's that? Who's that?

Who loves you over there?
That's right.

Can you smile
for Nanny Number Two?

That's it!
There you go.

And your mommy said that
she'll be able to Skype at 8:30

if drinks don't turn
into dinner.

Okay, okay,
shh, here he comes.

Hiya, Mr. Belichick!

Who the hell are you?
What do you want?

We are here
to make you smile.

And if there's one thing
that always gets me to smile,

it's a child's laughter.

So, I found this kid
in the parking lot,

and I'm gonna make
him laugh for you.

Come on, laugh.

Who's your bubba?
Wudgie, wudgie, wudgie, wudgie.

Don't touch my son's face.

Get over here,
little man.

This flight is cleared
for liftoff.

Vroom. Liftoff.

Whee.

Who's flying?
Whee.

You're flying.
Again.

Who's daddy's
little jet?

I love you,
Daddy.

Oh, God,
you guys again?

All right, Coach,
another surefire equation

for comedy is tragedy plus time.

And now we wait.

All right, Coach, now one
thing that's always funny is

when I dub my voice
over animal footage

and introduce human foibles
into their situations.

Tough day at the bank?

PETER'S VOICE
No. Just had a bad lunch.

What did you have?

Serengeti and meatballs.

How absurd!

Look, you guys have been
following me around all day

making fools out
of yourselves.

Would you just
leave me alone?

I've got work to do.

Oh, guys,
I guess we failed.

Sorry for wasting
your time, Coach.

We got to get to
the hospital anyway.

Our friend
Joe here has

to have his fluids
changed every 72 hours,

or else he swells up and
his eyes turn yellow.

Huh.
What was that?

Oh, my God, Joe, quick!

Tell him more
about your sad life.

Uh, every morning, I wake up
drenched in my own urine.

My feet are just shoes sewn
to the bottom of my pants.

Last week, the handicapped seat
on the bus was taken,

so they put me on the front,
like a bicycle.

After I injured my legs,

my doctor said I'd be walking
again in two weeks.

Huh. That's hysterical.

Oh, my God, yes!

All right! All right!
He smiled!

We did it!

Aw, man, this is
my biggest accomplishment

since my 1920s solo flight
across the Atlantic.

Vive Pierre Griffin!

Incroyable!

Don't look in there.

Don't look in there.
It's all craps.

All right, we got to put toilets
in these things

if we're gonna be in 'em
for more than two hours.

Wow. You guys
pulled it off.

Well, a deal's a deal.

I'll leave the
Patriots alone.

Oh, thanks, God!

Yeah!
Really appreciate it.

Aw, come here, you!

Ah, ah, ah!
Get off me!

Get off me!
What the hell?

God's mildly
autistic.

You can't touch Him,
especially on the head.

It's all right, it's all right,
it's all right.

Just-Just-Just
don't do that!

Sorry about that.

Well, uh, again, thanks.

We won't forget this.

Oh, by the way...

Conway Twitty
says cut it out.

Just write a joke.

Well, Peter,
I'm glad you're home,

and I'm happy you guys found
what you were looking for.

Yeah, and this trip made me
realize that 98% of the world

is just making
each other blankets.

So, Brian, you still
an atheist

now that Dad's
met God?

Stewie, who knows
who he met?

Every time we go
to Disney World,

he thinks Mickey Mouse just
happened to be there that day.

I'll tell ya, seeing God in
Heaven was just like that time

I met Mickey and Donald
outside Thunder Mountain.

I mean, what are the odds?

But, Peter, I still
don't understand why

you would go
to all that trouble

to find God and only ask
about the Patriots.

Oh, I asked
for one more thing.

Aah! What's happening?!

Don't look at her.
Don't look at her.

It's okay.
Just go with it.

It'll all be over
in a second.