Family Guy (1998–…): Season 12, Episode 12 - Mom's the Word - full transcript

It seems today
that all you see

Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man
who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!

Peter, what are you doing?

I'm watching this
awesome show, Brian.



See, they took all these colors
and they're making 'em

all live together
in a beach house.

Now the red one is sleeping
with the green one.

And the blue one thinks he's
gonna have a career in music.

And the yellow one
is just a total bitch.

Peter, that's just a channel
that's gone off the air.

And we'll be right back with

more Color Bar Beach House
after these messages.

Oh.

Peter, for God's sake,

did you eat this entire
roll of raw cookie dough?

Oh, is that what that was?

I thought it was
a raisin sausage.

Peter, you're gonna get sick.



You can't just eat raw food
out of the fridge.

Eh, calm down,
people make mistakes.

Just look at the original design
for the first hybrid car.

Eric, we love the car.

We only want to
change one thing.

Is it the "rapist" sign?

Yes, it is the "rapist" sign.

I quit.

So, as you can see,
our quarterly output is up

one and a half percent.

That's not net,
I'm talking gross.

You do everything gross.

Stupid boring meeting.
I don't even want to be here.

I'd rather be home, doing
dramatic garage door reveals.

...will continue
to be available for those who...

What was that?

Ah, that doesn't feel right.

Ah, man, I think that cookie
dough is fighting that taco

I found in the parking lot.

I just hope I can hold it in
until the meeting's over.

And now, 23 minutes of silence
for the 23 workers

who drowned in
the vats this year.

Oh, God, it hurts.

It hurts.

Of course it hurts, Griffin.

They were good men,
all of them.

I can't hold it in!

You don't have to, Griffin!

Let it out!

That's what we're here for.

This was supposed to be
23 minutes of silence

and there's kind of a lot of
conversation going on.

Hey, Peter, my kid's selling
Girl Scout cookies and...

We're collecting for
Janet's pregnancy...

Softball sign-up...

Trick or treat for UNICEF...

Pitch in for Ed's
retirement cake?

Holiday party?

Whoa...!

Company picnic...

Secret Santa...

Carpool info...

Ah, finally, now I can
get myself to the...

Uh-oh...!

Ah, man, now everyone's gonna
remember me for this.

I wanted to be remembered
for my achievement in film.

There he is.

Oh, oh, I see!

Oh, you're all here
because you heard the news!

Well, fine.

Peter Griffin crapped himself
at work. Happy?

Peter...
No, no, Lois, I-I-let's get it all out.

I'm sure you also heard that
someone walked into my office

while I was sucking
on my own toes.

And do I go fast-walking
in nurse's shoes

every Saturday in the park?

Yes, I do.

Peter, we're not here
because of any of that.

Okay, I know what
this is about.

Somebody saw me
holding hands with a guy

at Quiznos this morning.

All right, and was I involved
in the Oklahoma City bombing?

A little bit.

No, Peter,
you're not getting it.

Okay, we'll go deeper.

Yeah, I was swindled by that cat
who said he was from the future.

Turns out he was
just a present-day cat

with a smooth sales pitch.

Dad, you don't understand.

Oh, I understand.

I understand I've made
hundreds of deadly enemies

by shouting racial taunts
up at the jailhouse windows.

Oh, and another thing,

raise your hand if you
think ducks are magic.

And... up it goes...!

Peter's the only one.

Peter, that's not
why they're here.

A-And no, none of us heard about
you soiling yourself at work.

Oh...

well, why is everybody here?

Peter, your mother is dead.

She had a stroke this
afternoon and she died.

You don't die from that, Lois.

You just host New Year's Eve
and talk funny.

Peter, it's true.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, my God...

I don't believe it.

She's gone?

All right, well, I'm gonna go
confuse everyone on Facebook

with a, "So sad, terrible day"
status and nothing more.

Your mother was
a good woman, Peter.

Thanks, Lois.

I just, I just can't believe
she's really gone.

And I can't believe this
funeral home has a skylight

with a sinister clown
staring down at us.

Thank you for coming, everyone.

We're here to celebrate
the life of Thelma Griffin.

Here to say a few words
about Thelma is her son, Peter.

My mother always hoped
to be buried

with her pet cat, Mittens,

so I'd like to thank
the Quahog Veterinary Society

for putting Mittens down
so quickly.

Yeah, just-just go ahead
and toss it in there.

P-Probably, probably just
stuff it in by the feet.

Okay, I will now take
questions from the audience.

No? None? They don't
have to be about my mom.

Is anyone else here watching
Revolution and wanting

to talk about it after this?

No! No! No! No!

I'm not caught up!
I'm not caught up!

Lotta white socks with
dress shoes in this bitch.

God, I hate funerals.

Yeah, they're stupid.

Thank God I'm not
going to die.

What do you mean?
Of course you are.

I'm not gonna die, Brian.

I'm like Jim Belushi.

I am worried about
my funny brother, though.

Food fight!

This is tragic, but will
also open a door for me.

Stewie, everyone is
gonna die, at some point.

Everyone.

So like... even me?

Yes, even you.

You are going
to die someday, Stewie.

Wow... I guess you learn
something new everyday.

Like the Black Eyed Peas.

Hey, what's that?

This is a guitar.

Wow...

Oh, Peter, look,
your mom's old photo albums.

Oh, look at your
little baby footprints.

Yeah, my mom took my footprint
every single year.

When I was eight,
I was a dragon.

Oh, hello.
You must be Cocoon.

We don't have any rocks to make
you stronger here, but welcome.

You must be Peter.

I'm Evelyn, a friend
of your mother's.

Oh, oh, hi.

This is my family.

They're of no comfort.

Oh... I know it's tough
what you're going through.

You're where I was 17 years ago,
when I lost my husband, Walter.

He died of pancreatic cancer.

That sounds sad,
but I didn't know him.

Man, I miss my mom so much.

Well, I knew your mother
better than anyone.

I could tell you stories...

Well, that sounds nice.

Peter, the two of you
should hang out together.

I'd like that very much.

Well, it's 4:00.
I'm off to bed.

Wow, Peter, looks like
you made a new friend.

Yeah... a-and maybe
she can be my new mom,

you know, just like Greg
Evigan and Paul Reiser

were briefly my two dads.

I keep forgetting your names.

Can you just be "Jew Dad"
and you'll be "Earring Dad?"

Stewie, could you please
stop tossing and turning?

It's hard enough
to sleep in here

without my memory
foam pillow.

Uh... don't tell me,
don't tell me...

Brian!
Yep.

Yeah...

I can't go to sleep,
Brian... I'm scared!

Of what?

Of death!

Well, you're not alone.

The world is full of people
who can't accept death.

And they've all got
their own ideas

of what happens when we die.

Really? Like what?

Tell me, are any of them
blindly reassuring?

Look, it's late.

We'll talk about it
first thing tomorrow.

Geez, you know, I gotta say,

it's weird to see you
so worked up about this.

I mean, you're
not afraid of anything.

Even that monster
in your closet.

Ah, he's on his way
out of here.

Ever since he violated
the section of his lease

that doesn't
allow subletters.

What are you talking about?

I don't have
anyone else in here.

Just tell him
the truth, Ethan.

Thank you for doing this, Brian.

No problem, Stewie.

Our first stop today
is a Jewish synagogue.

Wow, every brick in this place
is named after someone.

Yeah, they do that
to honor their donors.

So that side of the building
was donated by someone named,

"Get Out of Our Town"?

No, I-I-I think that was
the work of some

shaved-headed gentlemen,

but, but we're here
to talk about Judaism.

So, where do they think
they go when they die?

Well, you should try
asking the rabbi.

Although, I should warn you,
you might not get an answer.

So, where do Jewish people
think they go when they die?

Where do you think we go?

Well, I don't know.
That's why I'm asking you.

Why do you think you're
asking all these questions?

I-I just, I just really
want to know what happens.

Do you think that's
part of God's infinite plan?

I think your whole religion
is a sham, just so you can get

extra holidays off from work.

Oop, gotta go.
It's Buchwuch.

I say, this is quite impressive.

Buddhism is an
Asian religion that also has

a significant following
of annoying white people.

Okay.
See, these guys believe that after you die,

you're reincarnated
and you come back

as a pig or a cow
or a rooster.

Okay, okay, that's good.

I already know what noises
to make if I'm one of those.

But they also don't believe
in demonstrating emotions

either way, so they're
the worst people

to buy birthday gifts for.

I know you've been having
trouble getting around,

so I bought you a new Lexus.

And I got you
this tie clip.

Thank you both.
These are equal to me.

Screw you!
You don't even own a tie!

Now, the Catholics believe that
as long as you accept Jesus

before you die, anyone
can get into Heaven.

Really? Anyone?

I accept Jesus
as my Lord and Savior!

Yes!

Peter, thank you so much for
your help in making this cake,

but don't you think
it would be easier

if you stood
on the floor?

Yeah, but when I baked
with my mom,

I always stood
on a chair.

Another memory is my Uncle
Roy putting his thumb in me.

Ah, the best memories
are family memories.

Oh, hey, Evelyn,
I got a riddle for you:

What newspaper
do cows read?

The Moo York Times.

That's very clever, Peter.
Did you make that up?

Nah, I got it off
a yogurt.

Still, very impressive.

God, you know, Evelyn,

you've really helped me
through a tough time.

I haven't been
this grateful

since I met
the Sane Hatter.

Excuse me. How do I get back
through the looking glass?

Oh, yeah,
take two lefts

and it's the first
door on your right.

Cool. Great.

Thanks for not giving me
the runaround.

I-I asked that guy
over there,

but he just told me
a bunch of rhyming nonsense.

Oh, yeah... he's, like,
a well-known dick.

What are you
still doing awake?

Changing the oil in my car!

What the hell do you think
I'm doing?!

Sorry, I stole that from the
Italian family next door.

They've been going
at it all night.

Dad, can I have five dollars
for lunch tomorrow?

Yeah, sure, just
let me just go check

my room full
of gold and jewels.

You see, every first thing
he says is not the real thing.

Anyway, Brian, I'm trying
to figure out death!

It's not that
complicated, Stewie.

Well, which of these religions
has the right answer?

What-What about
you, Brian?

What do you believe
happens when you die?

Nothing.
Lights out. That's it.

That's not comforting at all!

Well, I just think
it's pretty clear

that we're all just bags
of bones and flesh

that eventually break down
and decay into worm food.

We come from nothing,
and we're gonna become nothing.

The end.
Night, Stewie.

Lights out.

Did you hear him, Rupert?

Life is just a big joke.

It's just sitting
around waiting to die.

Well, I can't live like that.

I'd rather just end it.

I'm going to take my own life.

But first, I'm gonna play ball
in the house.

Parents are right!

We now return to
S.T., the Special Terrestrial.

Hi!

Hey, guys,
this is Evelyn.

She's the one
with that bathroom carpet

I've been peeing on
I told you about.

Hey, nice to meet you.

You know, instead
of drawing on your eyebrows,

maybe just go without
eyebrows.

And I'm Joe Swanson.

I've been dying to introduce
you guys to Evelyn.

We've just been having
the best time together.

Evelyn, tell them
how many sodas

I combined
at the movie theater.

Two. It was more than that.
She fell asleep.

She let me drive
a little bit on the way home.

Just in the parking lot.

But you were a good
little navigator.

Yeah, I just remembered, I gotta
get the hell out of here.

Well, God said I could
walk just one time.

I was saving it for
Susie's wedding day, but...

Your friends seem lovely.

Ah, they a'ight.

You know, Evelyn, I am having
such a good time with you.

You're like
my aboveground mom.

Oh, Peter, you know, sometimes

I think your mother
brought us together.

Yeah, tha-that's how I feel.

Good.

Come on. Are you molesting me
or watching TV?

I can't believe that
old woman kissed you!

Oh, it was horrible, Lois.

There were still crumbs
in the corners of her mouth

from that Nilla Wafer
she had at lunch.

Are you sure there wasn't
some kind of misunderstanding?

No, no, those were
definitely Nilla Wafers.

And it really
bums me out, you know,

'cause I thought she was
something special.

She was like a mom to me.

Well, then you should
go talk to her

and try to clear
this up.

It sounds weird, but
maybe it was innocent.

I mean, this wouldn't
be the first time

you thought someone
was hitting on you.

Would you like
to add chips and a drink?

Here we go again.

All right, Rupert, here we go.

Well, I'm not dead,
but I do have a boner.

So that is something new
about Stewie.

Okay, death by cop.

Hey, copper, come get me!

Oh, no, an armed assailant!

I definitely don't want
to die today.

I have so much
to live for.

Come on! Shoot me!

The one day I don't wear
my bulletproof vest!

What are you waiting for?
I'm wide open!

Don't you hate how the heart
is right about here?

Just kiss, you fruitcakes!

All right, Rupert, the old
toaster in the tub never fails.

Oh, damn, I wanted to die,
not turn into Toaster Man.

I don't know
about this Toaster Man.

While he's getting all the
glory, John Q. Taxpayer is left

to clean up the crumbs.

My breakfast bread
just got perfectly browned!

I just wish I could thank him!

Oh, I think he knows, Pop.

I think he knows.

Evelyn, we need to talk.

Oh, Peter,
I owe you an apology.

I'm afraid my new medicine made
me act foolishly yesterday.

You must forgive me.
Oh.

So it-it was, it was
just your medicine, huh?

Well, I guess I can
understand that.

You know, I'm addicted
to nasal spray.

I smell everything!
I'm invincible!

I'm probably gonna be
a little down

until I use
the spray again.

That's okay, Peter.
Now come along.

I've got quite the day
planned for us.

She's just a devil woman

With evil on her mind

Beware the devil woman

She's gonna get you

She's just a devil woman

With evil on her mind

Beware the devil woman

She's gonna get you
from behind.

Evelyn, I think it's best

that we don't see
each other anymore.

But Peter...

No, Evelyn, I trusted you,

and all this funny business
keeps happening,

and I don't think
it's your medicine at all.

So I'm afraid this is good-bye.

But Peter, I thought
we were friends.

Yeah, right.
You tricked me!

You're as bad as those
predators on the Internet.

That's wild, Stacey.

I'm a 12-year-old girl, too.

My name's Jenny.

Want to come over to my place
and help me move?

Hey, you're not
a 12-year-old girl!

Neither are you, Jenny!

Huh. I guess we aren't
so different after all.

Yeah. You know, this isn't
a whole lot of stuff.

We can probably knock
this out in an hour.

What the hell?!

Stewie, what the hell
are you doing?!

He's doing his taxes!
What's it look like he's doing?

Vito, get away from
the neighbors' house!

I'm killing myself,
Brian.

You said it yourself,
when we die,

there's nothing!
We just rot in the ground!

Well, if life has
no purpose,

why not just cut
to the chase?

Look, Stewie, I know
you're worried,

but you can't live your life
being scared of death.

Nobody knows
what comes next,

so all we can do is pack
the most we can

into each day we've got.

So for you,
that's taking

a 45-minute shaky-leg poop
on the front lawn?

I'm just saying
there's something

to be said for living
in the moment.

So what you're saying is

I've got to find
my shaky-leg poop.

Exactly.

Well, I-I have
always wanted

to be a singer-songwriter.

Um... yeah. No, yeah,
you could do that.

You-you paused.

Why-why did you pause?

Uh... no reason.

You did it again!
I swear to God,

I will throw myself
right out that window!

Okay, welcome
to the Apple Tree Pub.

I'm Stewie Griffin,
and these...

are my six assistants.

You know,
I changed my mind.

Kill yourself.

Hey, Mom, I-I gotta talk
to you about something.

You know, ever since
you turned into a rock

with your name on it,

your friend's been
really inappropriate with me.

Hello, Peter.

Oh. Hi.

What are you doing here?

Peter, I want
to apologize.

I didbehave
inappropriately.

It's just that since
my beloved Walter died,

you're the first man who's paid
any attention to me,

and I guess I took advantage
of that.

Huh.

Well, you know,
when-when you put it that way,

I guess maybe it's a little bit
my fault, too.

I missed my mom so much,

and I guess maybe I sort
of used you as a replacement.

I'm glad we
became friends, Evelyn.

Evelyn? Evelyn?!

Looks like somebody's mom died
or something,

I don't know. You...You'll take
care of this, right?