Family Guy (1998–…): Season 11, Episode 9 - Space Cadet - full transcript

(panting)

(clattering)

(indistinct chatter
and laughter)

It's...

(passing gas)

Chris, would you like
to read your personal essay?

Okay, Mrs. Donovan.

"Following Mrs. Donovan"
by Chris Griffin.

"The first thing that
Mrs. Donovan does

"when she gets
home from school

"is put on sweatpants.



"Then she eats a whole
tube of cookie dough,

"but she must be
allergic to it

"because there are tears
coming out of her eyes

"and she always
throws up right after.

"Then she puts
paper doll clothes

on a picture
of a sonogram."

Chris, I think
you should stop.

What? I'm doing
the best I can.

I'm not Nathaniel
Hawthorne.

(chuckling)

Nathaniel,
what are you doing?

Just ruining ninth
grade for everyone.

Mr. and Mrs. Griffin,
I called you in today

because your son, Chris,
has been getting



in quite a bit of
trouble lately.

In fact, just yesterday,
he tried to pass

this drawing off
as his Advanced Art project.

Oh, my.
I'm very embarrassed.

Well, someone should be.

I'm sorry,
Principal Shepherd.

We've tried talking
to Chris.

We just don't know
what else to do.

Well, I think we may
have a solution.

We have these cats that
hang around the school,

and we feed them.

Why doesn't
Chris come in,

and we can treat him
like one of the cats?

And in a couple of years,
we'll give him a diploma.

That doesn't
sound like

he'll be getting
the best education.

I don't know, Lois.

Some of those cats go on
to get pretty good jobs.

(meows)
Yep.

ANNOUNCER (over TV):
We now return to Breaking Bad.

(eerie whirring over TV)

You will recommend
Breaking Bad

to everyone you know.

I will recommend Breaking Bad
to everyone I know.

Breaking Bad is the best show
you've ever seen,

except maybe The Wire.

Breaking Bad
is the best show I've ever seen,

except maybe The Wire.

You will never stop talking

about Breaking Bad
or The Wire.

I will never stop talking
about Breaking Bad or The Wire.

Peter, I'm really
worried about Chris.

What are we going
to do about him?

Let's face it, Lois--
the kid's an idiot.

What the hell happened

to all the smart genes
in this family?

I mean, I invent
the razor blade comb,

and my kids
are doing nothing.

I mean, when Chris grows
up, will he even be able

to get a job or take
care of himself?

And what's he going
to do when we die?

Ooga chaka, ooga ooga,
ooga chaka...

I can't stop
this feeling

Deep inside
of me...

I feel awful
saying it,

but I'm kind of embarrassed
by him sometimes.

I know, and he's
got boobs, too.

Stupid guy with boobs.

Acting like he
doesn't want us to look.

He wants us to look.

CHRIS:
Stop making fun of me!

(both gasp)

I just wanted to listen
to you guys have sex,

but you were saying
mean things about me.

Chris!
Oh, my God.

No, we weren't
talking about you.

Yeah, we were talking
about Meg.

We call her Chris
so she doesn't know.

MEG:
(bleep) you!
Shut up, Chris!

I know that's not true.

(sobbing)

Oh, God.

Peter, he heard us
call him stupid.

His own parents.

What have we done?

Well, you know, Lois,

it's never easy
hearing the truth.

Especially from
a fortune cookie.

What does it
say, Peter?

Uh, just something
about perseverance.

What does yours say?

It says I'm
very creative.

Oh, by the way, there's a baby
in my preschool with HIV,

and my teacher gave you
something to sign

to get him kicked out.

Hey, Chris!

There's my big, smart son.

My special guy,
my Chrissy.

Sounds like someone got her
vibrator working again.

Oh, look out, everyone.

Double-digit IQ
joining the table.

Hey, smarty,
think fast.
Aah!

He knows.
He knows it's hot.

'Cause he's smart.

I don't want
to talk to you guys.

You called me
an idiot.

Oh, Chris, you must
have just misheard us.

I was standing
right there.

How is that
possible?

'Cause you're an idiot--
that's how.
Peter!

I'm going
to school!

It's Sunday,
right?

Peter, we've completely
destroyed his self-esteem.

We've got to
do something.

You know, Lois, if Chris is
having confidence issues,

they have camps
for kids like him.

What do you mean?

Well, they take kids
who struggle in school

and help them gain
self-confidence

in a nurturing
environment.

Wow. That's actually
a great idea.

We don't got
no money for camp.

We're saving up
to go to Europe.

Peter, we went to Europe.
You didn't like it.

Oh, my God, it's beautiful.

My TV isn't here.
Let's go home.

ANNOUNCER (over TV):
We now return
to Canadian Horror Story.

Hey, hon, we're
out of Molson.

Oh, not to worry.

We've got some Labatt's
in the garage.

And could you get one
for the ghost?

Boo, eh?

Hey, Chris,
could we talk to you?

If you're going to insult me
again, just go away.

Look, honey, we're sorry,

and we want to do
something special for you.

This is a Hamilton
Beach blender

we got on our
wedding day.

It keeps coming
back to us

in a vicious
regifting cycle.

No, Peter.

Chris, we were thinking
of sending you to camp.

And we're going to let
you choose which one.

This one's called
Camp Helmet.

This one's called
Camp Sit 'N' Stay.

These camps
don't sound fun at all.

Well, Chris, camp is only
as fun as you make it.

That's how it was
in World War II.

Don't suppose
it would help

to say I have a note
from my doctor.

(laughs)
Get in there, you.

Hey, this one
looks cool.

Space Camp.

"Spend a week doing
intensive math and science,

learning from
real astronauts."

Space Camp?

I'm sorry,
that one must have

accidentally gotten in
with the rest of them.

What are you saying?
That I'm too stupid for it?

Chris, we're over here.

What are you saying?

That I'm too
stupid for it?

No, no,
of course not.

Then this is the camp I choose.

Yay! I get to go
to Space Camp!

Thanks, Mom and Dad.

You guys are
the best parents ever!

Would you excuse
me a moment?

These are mine now.

Hey!

Oh, honey, when we
accepted those mugs,

we knew this
could happen.

You know, Chris,
it's not too late

to change your mind
about Space Camp.

Sometimes it can be
tough to fit in

with a new group
of people.

Yeah, I sure
had my troubles

when I got involved
with the Boy Scouts.

At no time were
the campers

and Mr. Griffin naked
simultaneously.

They merely engaged
in horseplay.

Did Mr. Griffin
sodomize the boys?

Mr. Griffin vehemently
denies all allegations.

Mom, I can handle
Space Camp.

I'm not stupid.

Well, regardless,
on the way back,

we're stopping at that Down
syndrome camp we passed.

Peter, that was
the University of Florida.

Welcome to Space Camp.

Hi. We're here to register
our son, Chris Griffin.

Oh, great to
meet you, Chris.

Hey, this kid means
the world to me.

Keep an eye on him, huh?

Hey, what's that?
I thought all

the space shuttles
were decommissioned.

Well, we always keep one
spacecraft flight-ready

in the event a satellite
needs service,

there's a space
station emergency

or an Italian guy needs
to overexaggerate.

I swear to God, Johnny,
I've had it up to...

...here with your BS.

Ooh, he's really
had it this time.

I'm sorry, Louie!

All right, then.

Hey, what's that
in there?

That's a sensory
deprivation room

that prepares
our astronauts

for the terrifying
emptiness of space.

Oh, cool.

Hey, come on, Brian,
try it with me.

(Peter and Brian screaming)

Things got crazy
so fast.

Bye, Chris.
Good luck.

Take care, Chris.

Oh, and hey, if you get
sent off on a space mission,

um, don't be the black guy,
'cause you'll die.

I know you're going
to have fun

and make lots
of good friends.

Yeah, and not
fake friends,

like guys
whose wives are friends.

(women giggling)

You have to get me
that recipe.

Oh, my God,
the cookbook?

It's right in
the kitchen.

Sports?
No.

Movies?
No.

Hiking?
No.

Cars?
No.

Porn?
Porn?

Yes!
Yes!

Gay porn?
No.

Welcome to Space Camp,
everyone.

Be sure to grab
your physics textbooks.

And you may want to brush up

for tomorrow's lecture
on orbital dynamics.

Oh, man. I don't belong here,
and they know it.

People can always sense a fraud.

Gentlemen, it has come
to my attention

that there's
a Chinese among us.

Rest assured, he will be found.

Security is launching
a full-scale investigation

into the
genealogy records

of every single one
of our employees.

This man will be found,

and there will be
dire consequences.

Too bad about
that Chinese guy, huh?

Campers, we are now in

our state-of-the-art
space shuttle simulator.

Hey, you're a girl.
I just figured that out.

By the time you
leave Space Camp,

you will all be familiar

with every device
on board this craft.

What's this button do?

Why don't you go
ahead and push it?

(rock music plays
over speaker)

That's my band.

Okay, campers, let's see
your astronaut haircuts.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Chris, that's
a Russell Brand haircut.

(British accent):
Oy, I don't know
what happened.

I went to me barber
at the shop,

and I come out,
I'm looking like this.

(laughs) You're talking
different from how I talk.

Here's a bunch of money
to be on TV.

If you all saw Apollo 13,
you know they had to fix

an air scrubber with just
the tools in the capsule.

Griffin, I need you to use
these tools to fix my marriage.

I can't do that.

Well, I can't be
the only one who's trying.

(phone rings)

Hello?

Oh, my God, Chris.
What's wrong?

Mom, I hate it here.

I want to come home.

All the kids are mean,

and I keep messing
everything up.

Even Jinx the Robot
is picking on me.

(robotic monotone):
Hey, you've got
something on your shirt.

Joke complete.

You and dad were right.

I'm not smart enough
to be here.

Can you come get me,
please, Mom?

Okay, honey, of
course we will.

(phone beeps)
Hang on, I got
another call.

Hello?

Lois, I'm at the gym.

I hate it here.

I want to come home.

Everybody's so mean.

And there's this one guy
who follows me around

and calls me fat.

Well, I suppose I...
(phone beeps)

Hang on, honey, I'm
getting another call.

Hello?

Hey, is fat ass
home yet?

Put him on,
I want to talk to him.

Thanks for coming
to get me, you guys.

Hey, no problem.

We spent thousands of dollars
to send you here

and made two trips
to Florida in four days.

I'm glad we had you.

Well, I'm sorry, I thought
I could handle it here,

but I was wrong.

That's okay, honey,
everyone makes mistakes.

Yeah, remember when the fat man
brought home that cougar chick?

You make yourself
comfortable, Beth.

I'll be right back.

Hi, young man.

I'm looking for
a good time.

Uh-huh.

I'm worldly. I'm fun.

This ain't mileage,
this is experience.

Listen, just so there
are no surprises,

don't be scared--
my stuff looks like

someone spilled an
apple pie in my lap.

(groans) Yuck.

Didn't you have any
fun at all, sweetie?

Well, I guess I did get to go
on the space shuttle every day.

Really? No way.

I always wanted to be an
astronaut like Lance Armstrong.

It's Neil Armstrong.

He lied about his name, too?

Wow, this
is amazing, Chris.

Look at this, Lois.

a week ago,
we call him stupid,

and now he's giving tours
of the space shuttle.

Negative reinforcement--
that's the key.

Right, stupid?

Ow! I'll
do better.

So, do you know how
all this stuff works?

Well, I don't know what
most of these buttons do,

but I know this big red one
is the one you press to launch.

Whoo, big red button!

Stewie, no!

(beeping)

(computer whirring)

(engines rumbling)
Uh-oh.

Chris, make it stop.

I'm trying.

(engines roaring)

I think...
I think we're launching.

Oh, my God, everyone
strap yourselves in.

Stewie, hold my hand.

No, thank you,
I prefer to die

giving you the finger.

If this is what it takes
to get out of Florida, fine.

You know what,
you only live once.

I am sticking my head
out the window.

Yes, this is the best version

of whatever's so enjoyable
about this.

Mom, I'm scared.

I don't believe it.

Are we really
stuck in space?

Oh, God, what if we
have to live up here

for the rest
of our lives?

I'm gonna miss
drinking at The Clam.

I'll tell you what I won't miss.

That waiter who thinks
he has to be funny.

Yes, I'd like the
chopped salad, please,

and could I get
no onions on that?

Hmm, I've got a few connections
in the back.

I'll see what I can do.

Yeah, that's funny.

If there's one onion
on that salad,

you can forget the $1.80
tip you need to live.

I'm sorry, you guys,
this is all my fault.

I never should've brought you
on the space shuttle.

You were right--
I am stupid.

MAN (over radio):
Hello, up there.
Hello?

I know you all must be pretty
terrified right now,

but we're doing everything
in our power

to get you safely back to earth.

We're pretty good at this--
we're like six for eight.

Is there anything
we can do?

Well, fortunately
the ship runs on autopilot.

We just need some time to figure
out your coordinates,

and calculate the reentry plan.

So, just try to stay calm
and we'll figure this all out.

By the way,
you're all quite famous now.

You're on every news channel.

Good afternoon,
I'm Brian Williams.

Our top story, an accidental
space shuttle launch

that has sent a Rhode Island
family into orbit.

For more on the story,
we go to our local affiliate

Channel Five Quahog where
Tom Tucker is on the scene.

Tom?

Thanks, Brian.

I, uh, saw that you opened
my birthday Evite.

Now I just need you
to go ahead and reply.

I'm standing here at the home
of the Griffin family,

chatting with their neighbors.

So, the Griffins
might be dead.

How does that
make you feel?

Griffin dead?
I take.

No, no, they
might be dead.

They also might
still be alive.

It's okay, I-I take.

(loud rumbling)

(loud popping)

Peter, what are you doing?

I'm going out for
a space walk, Lois.

You know, this
is our one chance

to experience the
awe-inspiring wonders

of space firsthand.

Wow, neat.

So, this is space.

Damn it.

(girl laughing)

Ha! Stupid drunk bitches.

Hey, Brian, check it out.

Meg's poking
around the cargo hold.

I'm gonna give her
a little scare.

(screams)

(sniffs)

Aw, boy, I think
this space food has gone bad.

Peter, that's a
fecal collection bag.

Oh, there's a bag for that?

'Cause mine's over there
twirling in the air

like a slow baton.

STEWIE:
Well, someone's got to lead
this marching band. Ew!

MAN (over radio):
Griffins come in.

Yes! Yes, we're here.

Well, I have some good news.

The autopilot is capable
of taking you home.

But guys...
(static crackling)

...to engage, we're gonna...

...to take the shuttle out of...

(radio goes silent)

Hello?
(static drones)

Hello?
Crap, I think we lost him.

Let me fix that.

If radio deejays have taught me
anything about radio,

it's that you got
to do two things.

Turn it up and rip the knob off.

Peter, no!
(crackling)

Damn it, now we've lost
communication entirely.

What are we gonna do?

I don't know,
but we got to try something.

If we don't get this shuttle
out of orbit soon,

we're gonna
run out of oxygen and die.

Is failure an option?

No, it's not.

Aw, that was my suggestion.

All right, come on, everyone,
we got to put our heads

together
and try to find a solution.

Don't worry-- Griffins
have a long history

of figuring stuff out.

Like my great-grandfather

who invented the
first marital aid.

This gives me an idea.

She's dead.

All right, come on,
if mission control thought

we could help get the shuttle
out of orbit,

it can't be that hard.

Okay, okay,
uh, try this.

Hit up, up, down, down,

left, right, left, right,
B, A, start.

Then we'll have
unlimited lives.

Come on,
we're running out of time.

Oh, Meg, all your suicide
threats over the years,

and you're just as chicken
(bleep) as the rest of us.

Hey, guys, I think I have
an idea that could help us.

In Space Camp, we learned about
countering forward momentum

with retro rockets.

If we use them now,
the ship might slow down enough

for gravity
to pull us out of orbit.

PETER: That's an egg that I
hucked at you for being a nerd.

Chris, if you think it'll help,
just try it!

Ah, we're slowing down.
That's a good sign.

You know, what's not slowing
down-- Breaking Bad.

Haven't seen anything like it
since The Wire.

God, he never shuts up
about those shows.

Oh, my God!

I think it might be working!

(screaming)

BRIAN:
We're spinning out!

MEG:
Oh, my God,
we're gonna die!

There's so many things
I didn't do.

I never got to go to college!

My book wasn't all
I wanted it to be in spots!

Peter, I wanted to
grow old with you!

Well, you kind of did.

I never got to wear it better!

(grunts)
I have to reorient
the retro rockets

to counter the spin rotation!

(grunts)

Chris, what are you doing?

(dramatically):
Saving our lives.

Aw, I wish he
hadn't said that.

Now I'm kind of
rooting against him.

We're straightening out!

Ah, look! It says
"autopilot engaged."

Good for him.
I'm glad he found someone.

Oh, thank God,
we're saved!

I can't believe I got to go
to space before Derek Watson.

Who's Derek Watson?

Nobody now.

They've re-entered
the atmosphere!

(cheering)

I'm not cheering.
I don't even know them.

(tires screech)

(cheering)

(cheering,
camera shutter clicking)

Well, thanks to
no gravity in space,

my spine stretched and I am
now a confident six, three,

so, Lois, I will be leaving you
for a hotter woman.

Never mind, Lois,
I love you so much.

Chris, our family is alive
right now because of you.

You saved us.

That's right, buddy.

It was your brains
that pulled us through.

We're so sorry
we ever doubted you.

Thanks, you guys.

You bet, champ.

Hey, by the way,
who moved our house?