Family Guy (1998–…): Season 11, Episode 8 - Jesus, Mary and Joseph! - full transcript

It seems today
that all you see

Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man
who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!

ANNOUNCER: Do you want an excuse
to not go home this Christmas?

Then fly Northwest Airlines.



At Northwest Airlines,
thousands of employees

are dedicated to delaying
and cancelling flights

so you won't get home
for the holidays.

No way I'm getting you
on your connecting flight.

No way we're taking off on time.

Don't worry, I'm taking
this flight back to the gate.

Do you think Jeff will
make it home this year?

No way--
because Jeff flew Northwest.

Thanks, Northwest.

I hate my family.

Ah, that looks great.

You know, I think this is gonna
be our best Christmas ever.

Yeah, but don't get
your hopes up, Lois.

I couldn't afford to get you
what I got you last year.



I know how you
like that song,

so I got you two
turtledoves.

Where did you get these?

I went to a scientist and had
them genetically engineered.

Fly, beautiful turtledoves.

Bring Christmas cheer to all.

(turtlesdoves screeching,
all yelling)

Everybody outside-- we'll do
the rest of Christmas outside!

Go, go, go!

Look, Stewie, I'm hanging the
ornament you made at preschool.

Just hang it up.

Why do you have to narrate
everything you do?

Peter, you want to put
the star on top of the...

Hang on, hang on, Lois,
I always wanted to do this.

Wait a second.

It's coming.

There it is!

Huh?

Eh, it's something,

but you still
got a leftover "R."

This was hard.

I did this for you!

This one's my favorite ornament.

I can only imagine what it
must have been like for them

on that very first Christmas.

Yeah, it was probably
very moving...

and fictional.

Jesus lived with us
for, like, a week.

What else do you need?

It's the greatest
story ever told, Meg.

A story that goes back
over a hundred years.

Yay, Star Wars!
No, Chris.

It's the story of Christmas
and the Immaculate Conception.

You guys were born
the dirty way.

Now, gather around, everybody,
and hear the awe-inspiring tale

that's caused millions
and millions of deaths.

Many years ago
there was a hardworking

young carpenter named Joseph,

and one day, Joseph and his
friend Robby were hanging...

CHRIS:
Guy's name was Robby back then?

PETER:
The Bible is fuzzy on that.

Anyway, Joseph and Robby
were hanging out

one day when this happened...

So, I went to see that new
Oedipus play last week.

Took my mother-- talk
about an awkward ride home.

Barely got a good-night kiss.

Hey, Joseph,
check it out.

Oh, my God,
look at that body.

Can't you just imagine her
standing on people's front lawns

inside a cut-in-half bathtub?

You should go talk to her
and see if she can talk.

Uh, hi.
I'm... I'm Joseph.

Oh, hello. I'm Mary.

Listen, um, I was wondering if
you'd like to go out sometime.

Well, sure.
That sounds nice.

You know, there's
a beautiful spot outside of town

where they dump
all the foreskins.

You can sit on top
and watch the sunset.

Oh, great, and maybe
we could slaughter a lamb

and light it on fire
so that it rains.

Well, let's not
go too fast.

Listen, I'll see
you later, okay?

I've got to go sit in a
circle with the other women

and stare off
into the fields.

All right,
you got a date.

Yeah, I just hope it goes
better than my last one.

Wow, Joseph,
that was great.

Yeah, I got to say
I'm a little disappointed.

When you said I could do you
in your "mudhut,"

I thought you meant
something else.

PETER:
And so Mary and Joseph
began their courtship.

But even after several dates,

Joseph couldn't get
to first base.

Not just because
Mary was a virgin,

but because baseball would not
be invented for 1,800 years

and nobody knew what the hell
he was talking about.

You know this is the same picnic
basket we drowned my sister in.

It was back when they were like,
"Drown all the girls,"

and then they were like,
"Don't drown all the girls,"

but she was born on a
drowning week, so, you know.

(sneezes)

Oh, look at that--
there's hardly any blood.

You're very healthy.

Well, I try
to take care of myself.

Joseph, this is the most
fun I've had in a while.

That's good, that's good.

Pull your pants down.
What?

Come on, this is
our seventh date.

It's completely natural.

Birds do it, bees do it,

dinosaurs whom we live
alongside do it.

Joseph, I can't.

People will talk.

So, what?
They'll talk in Aramaic.

Do you understand that?
I don't.

Look, you're very sweet,
but I have to save myself.

For who? There's only
30 people in the whole world

and you're related
to half of them.

I can't believe how hard
you're making me work.

Well, I do have
a very good virginity coach.

No, no, no.

Okay, I think I got it.
How's this?

(imitating):
No, no, no.

No, no, no.

Look, I can't explain it,

but something is
telling me to wait.

Something deep,
deep inside of me.

Stop talking like that
or I swear to God

I'm gonna Pompeii
all over this blanket.

(laughing):
Oh, you're silly.

Come on, let's
just watch the show.

(all shouting angrily)

Wow, she's really getting it.

Yeah, I know that girl--
that's Donna Magdalene,

and her sister's a
bigger slut than she is.

You know, we Jews got it right,
working with our hands.

Yeah, let those eggheads
in Rome do the brain work,

we Jews will do
the brawn work.

Hey, Italians, put a book
down once in a while.

Yeah, yeah, right.
Definitely, yeah.

Put a book down.

Hey, so, uh,
you've been seeing

that girl Mary
for some time now.

She's pretty smoking.

Aw, man, she is so hot.

She's gonna go down in history
as "Hot Bitch Mary."

You know, I'm thinking
of popping the question.

Really?
Yeah, I figure
I'm 14 now,

I'm not getting
any younger.

Hey, look,
it's the burning bush!

Hail Mary,
full of guys.

Oh come all
ye face-full.

Come on, guys,
that's really dirty.

Hi, Joseph.

Hey, Mary,
what's going on?

Oh, I just thought
I'd take a break

from pooping in the open
street to come see you.

That's nice.

Listen, can you
come by my house later?

There's something important
I have to share with you.

Okay, sure.

I'll come by
around that part

of the day when
the sun goes away

and we're all terrified
it will never come back.

Okay, bye.

Wow, you're a
lucky man, Joseph.

I know.

So, what have you
got going on later?

I think I might hang
out in the town square.

I hear an oracle from Greece
is sending a funny message

and I want to be
there when it arrives.

(panting)

Penis.
Ha.

Hey, Mary.

Oh, hi, Joseph.
Come on in.

Thanks, hey, listen
I just got tickets

to see Cher in Bethlehem.

You want to go?

I guess-- how close
are the seats?

Row L-X-V-I.

That sounds great.

But, look, Joseph, there's
something I have to tell you.

I'm pregnant.

From my finger?

No, you don't understand.

God has blessed me
with his child.

You banged Kevin God
from South Nazareth?

No, no, Joseph,
I mean God.

I'm carrying God's baby.

He-he sent down an angel.

(gasps)

Fear not, pretty lady

who ain't never
had no relations.

I's been sent to bring you
the message that tonight

you's gonna be getting
pregnant with the Son of God.

It's a miracle, yay!

I am?

Yeah, and it's gonna
be here soon,

so you might want
to spruce yourself up.

Maybe walk in the
creek a little bit.

Oh, and he probably don't
want me to tell you this,

but be ready 'cause
he might give you

a little bit of
a donkey punch.

So you're saying God
got you pregnant?

Yes, Joseph.
Glory in the highest!

Well, if it his will,
then his will be done,

and I am but his
humble servant.

But I do have one question.

Was he bigger than me?

Joseph,
it wasn't like that.

I felt nothing.

Oh, little guy.

ANNOUNCER:
We now return
to A Christmas Carol.

(wind blows)

I am the Ghost
of Christmas Past.

Oh, hello.

I am here to show you
how you lost your way.

Um, oh, okay.

How long is this gonna take?

I don't know,
maybe eight minutes?

Okay, hang on, I just
got to use the bathroom.

(urinating)

(urinating
continues)

(urinating
continues)

(tapping buttons)

(urinating
continues)

I am the Ghost
of Christmas Pres...

Wait, you haven't
gone yet?
No.

(urinating stops)
Okay, here we go.

(farts)
Sorry this is turning
into something else.

All right, kids,
gather around.

Time to make our yearly terrible
call to Great Aunt Helen.

(buttons beep)

(phone rings)

HELEN:
Hello?

Hi, Aunt Helen, it's Peter,
Lois and the whole family.

Peter's lowest what?
We're calling to say
Merry Christmas...

Are you there, dear?
We-we were just
calling to...

We had quite a cold snap here.
I hope you
got our card.

Okay, nobody talk-- we'll
just wait for her to talk.

Are you still there, dear?
Well, we just
wanted to...

Damn it!

So, how was the...
It's been rather cold.

The pond froze over
a family of raccoons.

Are you there, dear?
All right, well,
Merry Christmas.

Dad, can we hear more of that
story about the baby Jesus?

Ah, right. Now
everybody listen up

while I stuff the rest of this
rhetoric down your throats.

Now, if you remember,

Mary and Joseph were on
their way to Bethlehem.

Uch, look at that.

I remember when this
was all desert.

You know, when
the baby comes,

we could probably
homeschool him.

I can count up to nine.

Yeah, hey, so tell me
one more time how it is

that God got you pregnant.

'Cause when you tell me
the story,

it sorta makes sense.

But then when I tell
the guys at work,

they poke all kinds
of holes in it.

So, you guys are going
to Bethlehem, huh?

I went there one time on
a donkeys' night out.

Oh, my God,
I got so hammered!

(electrical whirring)

PETER:
And as Mary and Joseph made
their way to Bethlehem,

three wise men were preparing
for a journey of their own.

Chris, did you get a haircut?

CHRIS:
I did.

PETER:
I'm just noticing.
It looks nice.

Hey, what's this?

Hey, you guys, this says
a King of Kings

will be born
in Bethlehem,

and we are to go
and pay tribute.

Hey, let me see that.

This says,
"Three Magi or Resident."

I don't think they
really care if it's us.

Yeah, I don't want
to go, either.

Hey, isn't your mother-in-law
visiting tomorrow?

We're off
to Bethlehem!

(canned laughter)

Wise men.

Wow, I can't believe
we're already here.

Yeah, it's amazing how
small the world is now

thanks to mules
and camels.

You're anywhere,
just like that.

Oh, my!

You can really tell
we're in the big city now.

Yeah, they got everything here.

They got restaurants,
they got museums.

ANNOUNCER:
Coming soon, get ready
to start seeing double!

It's Ben-Him and Ben-Her!

Starring Adam Sandler and...

Adam Sandler?!

Yoo-hoo, Benny!

That's my brother
on that chariot!

I'm driving here!

Whoa...!

(groans)

Ooh, that's gotta hurt!

(Announcer laughing)

ANNOUNCER:
And introducing that joke!

Ben-Him and Ben-Her!

Even Noah wouldn't put
these two together!

Cover your privates!

Everyone can coli-see-um!

PETER:
Meanwhile, the three wise men

were making their way
across the desert.

Hey, did you hear
they're coming out

with four more
Commandments?

Uch, all that stuff does is
interfere with small business.

Oh, no, we're
out of water.

We gotta
stop somewhere.

Look. That's
King Herod's palace.

Maybe we can get
water over there.

QUAGMIRE:
Wow, look at that classy,
Middle Eastern house

with gold and marble.

People will always want
to live next

to big Middle Eastern houses
with gold and marble.

Uch, I'm so bored.

How's the TV coming?

We are a long way off.

Excuse me.

We are three wise men
on a long journey.

Could we trouble you
for some water?

Sure. Not quite wise enough
to pack any, huh?

So, what brings you to Judea?

We're on our way to Bethlehem
to see a magic baby.

Magic baby?
What's he do,

card tricks,
rabbit in the hat?

Would he let someone
in the audience

punch him in
the stomach?

I'd like to punch a
baby in the stomach.

You can't punch
this baby.

He's the Messiah.

Yes, they're even calling him
the King of Kings.

Yuck.
He already sounds like a dick.

Okay, then how about this?

I'm the King of King
of Kings.

Ha! New name! Called it!

Sounds like somebody's
a little threatened.

No, I'm not. Would a guy who
feels threatened make sure

all his advisors
are shorter than him?

Ha! You said
it, King!

That's telling him!

Big guy!

You know what?
Still, just to be safe,

I should probably kill
that baby.

Then Jodie Foster will love me.

Welcome to the
Motel Shiksa.

We won't leave the
light on for you,

because what, do I work
for the electric company?

Yes, we were wondering
if you had a room available?

Sorry, we're all booked up--
Cher's in town.

You won't find a room
in the city.

No room? Joseph,
what are we gonna do?

Don't worry.
I got this covered.

No rooms, eh?

Well, perhaps you have a room
for my good friend

fistful of sand.

Where's your money?

I spent it on sand.

I'm sorry,
I can't help you.

But, sir, please,

my wife is with child
and about to give birth.

And I am with burrito
and about to do the same.

Sir, if you don't leave now,
I'm gonna have to call IX-I-I.

Yeah, we, we did one
of those earlier.

Yours is better, though.

We probably should've waited
for yours.

(groaning)

Joseph, my water
just broke!

It's time!

Oh, my God!

Please, you've gotta
have some place for us!

We're desperate!

Well, there's
a manger out back.

You can stay there.

That's fine, that's fine!
We'll take it!

CHER (in distance):
Bethlehem!

I have one question for you!

(pop song plays)

Do you believe in life
after love?

Dah... See?
I told you she'd open with that.

So, Joseph and Mary
were turned away
from the inn.

But, Dad, I still
don't understand

the whole Immaculate
Conception thing.

How can anyone get pregnant
without having sex?

Oh, there's lots of
stories of that, Meg.

Cleveland's got
a cousin who had

eight girlfriends
get pregnant,

and he says he's not
responsible for a single one.

Good guy.
You shake his hand,

it feels like you're
touching a nice briefcase.

But back to our story.

All right, here we are.

This seems pretty gross.

I can't believe my baby's
gonna be the Son of God.

Looks like all those
years fighting off

my own father's advances
have finally paid off.

What shall we name him?

Well, this is kinda
like a barn.

We could call
him Barney.

Yeah, maybe.

Or I kinda always
liked Tristan.

Oh, my God, you want him

to get the crap
beat out of him?

They will crucify him
with a name like that.

No, no, no.

What are you doing?
How long you been there?

Those names is no good.

Look, why don't y'all
just give me a list,

I'll run 'em up to God,
and see if he picks one.

No... no...

That's the name
of a champagne.

No... no...

Terrible!

These are all
just terrible!

Relax, God.

You want me to get y'all
some wine and cheeses?

Wait, what'd you
just say?

Cheeses.
You want some cheeses?

And that's why you're
allowed to eat

as much mozzarella as
you want in any church.

So the three wise men set off
again on their journey.

You sure this is
the right way?

Yes, I'm sure.
We follow the star.

Are you sure
that's a star?

We've had this
conversation!

Yes, it's a star!

It's got flashing
red lights!

Oh, my God!
It is a (bleep) plane!

And I said that yesterday,
you stupid idiot!

Hey, thanks for coming out
on such late notice, Doc.

Oh, you don't
have to thank me.
This is a big deal.

It's not every day
that God bestows a
woman with his son.

Has it ever
happened before?
Yeah, once.

But the woman drank
during her pregnancy.

The kid came out
a real lemon.

I turned this
water into poo!

Uh-huh.

I also turned this
fish into poo!

Ah...

Do you want your
birthday present?

I think I know
what it is.

(laughs) It's a
cashmere sweater.

Oh, wow!

That's actually
really nice.

And now it's poo!

(shrieks)

Well, here we are.

Okay, guys,
squeeze in.

Bible photographer.

Okay, we're smiling,

we're happy to
see Jesus.

There we go.

Hey, guys,
watch your step in there.

That floor's gonna be dripping
in virgin olive oil.

That's kinda hot.
Gross.

Hello, we are
the three wise men.

We came here
following a star.

Those two statements
contradict each other.

We also come
bearing gifts.

I brought frankincense.

I brought myrrh.

And I brought you
a breast pump,

which in these times
is just a guy.

When do I start?

Oh he's coming!

Oh, it hurts so bad!

God, I hate working
on Christmas.

Oh, here he comes.

And... BC turns to AD!

How's everybody doing?

Oh, he's a miracle!

Hey, if you're a virgin, how
come I shot out of there

like a greased-up
cannonball?

Greetings!
I have come to see

the newborn king, but sadly,
I bring no gift.

Well, what do you got
in your hand there?

Uh, my drum.

Well, then it looks like
you got him a drum.

Pretty good gift.
But this is all I own.

It's what makes me
the "Little Drummer Boy."

Yeah, the baby
wants the drum.

Yeah! Drum!

Okay, nobody touch my hair.
I'm growing it out.

Also, I'm gonna start dieting
and working out

so I'm like crazy lean

for the, you know, for, for,
for the thing.

(hoofbeats approaching)

What the deuce?

Bring out the Christ Child!
We want him!

Uh-oh.

(whirring)

I may have a virgin mom,
but I am one bad mother.

(horse whinnies)

Ah! Ah! You guys get him!
You guys get him!

I forgot something
at the palace!

Pa-choo! Pa-choo!
(makes explosion sound)

And that is the
story of Jesus.

That was awesome, Dad!

Oh, my God! I
just realized

that's the same Jesus as
the Jesus from church!

That's a beautiful story,
Peter,

about people coming together

to form something
greater than themselves.

(knocking on door)

Yes, can I help you?

Hi. We're from out of town

and our car
just broke down!

My wife's in labor.
Can we use your phone?

What?! No!

Couple of freaking scumbags
working some scam,

saying how they want
to use our phone.

What?! Do they want all the
presents under the tree, too?!

Get rid of 'em!

They're not gonna
do that, are they?

Dad, shut the door,
it's freezing!

Please, you've
gotta help us!

You're lucky
it's Christmas

or I'd call the cops on
you dirty grifters!

Now you and your whore
wife get out of here!

Peter, you handled
that perfectly.

Merry Christmas,
Lois.

MAN:
Please!
We're begging you!

I'm getting
the baseball bat.