Family Guy (1998–…): Season 11, Episode 7 - Friends Without Benefits - full transcript
Meg finds out that her crush is actually gay and is interested in Chris.
It seems today
that all you see
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!
(gasps)
There he is.
The reason my bedpost
is so shiny.
Oh, my God, are you still
obsessed with Kent?
Just ask him out already.
The worst that could happen
is he says no.
Are you kidding? Of
course he'll say no.
There's no way he'd
ever go out with me.
He's just so...
dreamy.
Oh, Kent,
what are we gonna do?
With the Earth destroyed,
we're the only two humans left.
Well, then, it looks like we
need to start repopulating.
(lounge music playing)
Meg and Kent
are having space sex
We can't show it
But that's what's happening.
(Meg moaning)
(gagging)
I think she's choking.
Should we wake her up?
No, she's got to learn
to breathe out of her nose.
(breathing heavily)
She's getting it.
Peter, you want
another waffle?
I can't Lois.
I promised Janice
I'd take her shift.
Can I get two eggs,
scrambled, on toast?
Sure thing, honey. Adam and
Eve on a raft, wreck them!
I'd like a hotdog with ketchup
and some Jell-O, please.
Paint a bow-wow red and a
side of nervous pudding!
Can I have a well-done burger
with lettuce and tomato?
Burn one, drag it through
the garden, pin a rose on it!
Got a telephone pole heading
to the swimming hole.
Spray it with sunshine!
Psst.
Hey, dog.
What?
You want in?
Yeah.
Ah, look at this.
She's taped photographs of
Virginia Woolf and Katy Perry
on the inside cover,
as if she's some sort
of hip hybrid
of those two things.
Ugh. Yeah, like
she could ever write
Who's Afraid of
Virginia Woolf?
Brian,
Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
was not written
by Virginia Woolf.
Yeah, obviously.
But, you know, it's-it's
pretty much about her.
It really isn't, Brian.
Let's, uh, let's just
get into this, huh?
"Dear Diary, got
down to 152 today.
Think that's a
nice weight for me."
Oh, here's another one.
"Dear Diary, just discovered
the music of John Denver.
Wow-wee, where's this been?"
Hey, look at this.
"Kent is so incredibly sexy.
"He said 'hi' to me
today, and I almost died.
"Also, I learned a funny lesson
today in my pursuit of Kent:
anal bleaching is better
left to professionals. LOL."
Oh, oh!
No, no, no,
come on, now, come on.
Jeez, it's just pages and pages
of stuff about this Kent guy.
She's really obsessed with him.
Well, obsession's not such
a bad thing.
It got us
the first printing press.
You're a whore, Sheila,
and I'm gonna make sure
everybody knows it!
Here!
I can't read.
No one can read.
Bye, Patty. Bye, Esther.
Bye, overzealous Asian kids
lining up to be the first ones
in school tomorrow.
Go away. No time
to say "bye."
(laughs) I pass you
'cause you lose focus!
Damn! Lost focus!
Life over!
Oh, Kent,
this is all I ever wanted.
I feel the same way, Meg.
From today onward,
this is our life.
We should get
off the horse soon.
I want to save one for you.
(horn honking, tires squealing)
Oh, my God!
Are you all right?
Lucky for you,
this tree was my destination.
And the job exchange begins.
Sir, do you want to move ahead
on the agreement
with the sanitation union?
Sir, we need leadership.
Oh, my God, Meg!
Are you okay?
Yeah, I-I'm fine.
I guess I got distracted again
thinking about Kent.
Oh, I can't do this anymore.
I've just got to ask him out.
Sorry!
Honey, give me
any laundry you have.
I'm doing a diapers
and Meg load.
Hey, Mom, can I ask you
about something?
Of course, Meg.
What's on your mind?
Well, there's this guy
I like at school,
and I was thinking about,
I-I don't know, maybe
calling him and...
Meg, are you asking,
in this day and age,
when the CEO of Xerox
is a woman,
when the president
of Brazil is a woman,
even Rosie O'Donnell
is a woman,
whether it's appropriate
for a girl
to ask a boy out on a date?
Of course it's appropriate.
It's also sad and desperate
and I would never do it,
but you're not me,
are you, sweetie?
No, I'm not.
(laughing):
No, you're not.
(sighs)
(phone rings)
Hello?
Hey, Kent?
It's Meg, from
English class.
Uh...
And math class?
And bio?
And the Facebook campaign
to get me to kill myself?
Oh, Meg!
Hey, what's up?
Hey!
Um, nothing much.
I was just wondering
if you maybe wanted
to hang out some time?
Sure.
Oh, wow, cool!
Okay, um,
I'll-I'll text you?
(beeps)
(screams)
Yes! I can't believe it!
Oh, my God, I'm going out
on a date with Kent Lastname.
Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
(screams)
Oh, my gosh!
I'm gonna go ahead
and shut this for you.
(knocking)
Oh, hello.
Hi, you must be
Mrs. Griffin.
I'm Kent.
I'm here to pick up Meg.
Oh, Kent, it's so
nice to meet you.
She's just getting ready.
Meg, Kent's here!
Just putting on my lipstick.
Damn it.
And this is Meg's brother,
Chris.
Oh, yeah,
I've seen you around school.
You eat
with the deaf kids, right?
One of them isn't
all the way deaf.
What grade are you in again?
That's still being worked
out by a team of counselors.
Cool.
Hope to see you around school.
He seems nice.
Sorry, I missed all that.
I was tweeting.
MOVIE ANNOUNCER:
Coming this fall,
the prequel to Philadelphia.
Are you sure
we don't need a condom?
No, it's okay,
I'm a lawyer.
(loud kissing noises)
(yawns)
How you girls doing on popcorn?
I'll take some.
Here you go.
(yawns)
Oh, sorry, am I taking
up the whole armrest?
Boy, it's kind
of chilly in here.
Really? You got big sweat
marks under your boobs.
That must mean
they must like you then.
(forced giggling)
Hey, I'll be
right back.
I got to go to
the bathroom.
Oh, thank God.
And now,
our feature presentation:
Adrien Brody Doing Sit-Ups
in 3-D.
ADRIEN BRODY:
One.
(crowd screams)
Two.
(screams)
(tires squeak)
That was fun.
We should hang out
again some time.
Yeah, definitely.
Well, good night.
Night.
Oh, no, I'm sorry.
Oh, my God, I thought you...
I didn't think
this was a date.
Oh, my God.
I'm so embarrassed!
Hey, it's 10:30!
I suggest you take your dope
and go elsewhere!
I'm sorry, Meg. I
think you're great,
and I love hanging
out with you,
but there's something
you should know.
I'm gay.
You are?
Look, I really like you as a
friend, but to be honest...
I like Chris.
What?
I have a shoe appointment
in the morning,
and I want to be fresh!
Yeah, the person
I'm attracted to
is your brother.
Brother?
Rupert, did you hear that?
Meg's boyfriend
is in love with me.
Not that I care.
I mean, it won't matter
once I explain to him
what's going on with us.
But what would I tell him
is going on with us?
(sobbing)
(sobbing continues)
Thanks, Brian!
Brian?
Hey... princess.
I'll get out of your hair.
I can see you want
to be left alone.
Why does everything bad
always happen to me?
Huh, you and me both.
I got this cold.
(coughing)
And it's-it's
just in that
"I don't want to give it to
a friend" stage, you know?
(sniffling)
Oh, God, you hear that?
I sound like a
Jewish See 'n Say.
The uncle says...
(phlegmy coughing)
The grandpa says...
GRANDPA:
What?!
The aunt says...
AUNT:
Oh-h.
Kent told me he's gay,
and even worse,
he likes Chris!
Oh, wow, I'm really
sorry to hear that, Meg.
I don't get it.
I've been going to high school
with him for three years,
and I always assumed
he was straight.
Well, high school's
a tough time, Meg.
Maybe he thought
he was straight,
but then realized
he's gay.
He's probably still
figuring things out.
Hang in there.
Well, I'll help him
figure things out.
I'll help him figure out
that he's straight.
That was really close.
Hey, Chris, you
mind if I sit here?
No, of course not.
We were just having
a political discussion.
Bill's, uh...
kind of conservative.
Hey, you know,
it was really cool
meeting you the
other night.
I was thinking maybe we
should hang out sometime.
Sure. I sleep for, like, six
hours every day after school,
but other than that,
I'm pretty open.
Well, great, then
we should definitely...
Oh, hey, Meg.
Listen, I hope you're okay
after the other night.
Yeah, no,
that's-that's what
I wanted to talk to
you about, Kent.
Look, I-I know you're going
through a confusing time.
The thing is, though,
I feel like you're
not actually gay.
What?
No, I-I told you, I am.
You don't talk
or act gay.
I mean, you
play football.
Those jeans cost
20 bucks, tops.
And you only use
"hello" as a greeting,
not as a way to outdo
some imaginary antagonist
in conversation.
Meg, please stop.
I know your heart's
in the right place, but...
Actually, it's not.
It's a serious
medical condition.
Yeah, that's...
that's not supposed to be there,
so she should probably
always wear a hat.
Hey.
Hey.
So I guess you heard
about Meg's boyfriend, huh?
I did.
I did hear, yes.
Weird, right?
Guy has a crush
on her own brother.
But, you know, the heart wants
what the heart wants.
I just hope it doesn't
cause awkwardness,
you know, in the house.
Oh, no, it doesn't have
to be awkward,
not if we don't make it awkward.
I just don't see
the attraction.
I mean, is it all
about that big package?
Big? You really think so?
Are you kidding?
Biggest in the family.
That thing should be hanging
from the ceiling of a deli.
Thanks, Brian.
God, I have
so much energy now.
(giggling):
Am I the only one
who feels like grabbing a drink?
Hey, do you think
this picture is hot?
Kind of, yeah.
Well guess what:
that's my back.
Hook up with me!
Come on!
We can make this work.
Just stick your head in here
and pretend it's a butt.
No, Meg, stop it.
God, this is
getting too weird.
I can't be
your boyfriend.
In fact, I don't even
think I can be your friend.
Kent, wait!
We can totally be friends.
We can go shopping together.
And I like musicals.
I've even seen
the latest Tony Award-winning
piece of crap.
If more people join in
The song will get better
If more people join in
The song will get better
If more people join in
The song will get better
If more people join in
The song will get better
Now you're having fun
'Cause we're in the aisles
Even the bad guy
is singing along.
They're singing right near me,
so it's a great musical.
Hey, Meg, what's wrong?
What's wrong
is that Kent doesn't like me.
He likes my brother, Chris.
Oh, my God.
No way!
Well, I mean,
you've done
everything you can do.
I guess you just
have to move on.
Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of
sweet guy-trim at this school.
You-you don't understand.
He's all I think about.
I-I can't eat, I can't sleep.
Just thinking about him now
gives me heart palpitations.
(heart thumping)
I feel like if I could just know
what it's like to be with him,
just-just once,
I could at least have
some sort of closure.
Well, if Kent hooks up
with your brother,
you could just have Chris
describe every last detail
to you.
Oh, my God, that's it.
What do you mean?
I mean,
if I can't have Kent,
then that's
the next best thing.
I've just got to get Chris
to sleep with him.
Oh, no.
Here comes
Mr. Davis with one
of his technically-not-
illegal invitations.
Girls, I'm gonna be
at the park later.
Oh, I wouldn't worry
about it, Bonnie.
I've put Stewie in the oven
a bunch of times.
As long as you come
to your senses
within 15 minutes,
everything's fine.
Lois, can I go Slip 'N
Slide in the yard?
Has it been half an hour
since you've eaten?
Yes. Almost.
Okay, I just want to be sure
you don't get a cramp.
Yay! Poor people
water fun!
Hey, Chris.
Uh, can I ask you a question?
Sure, what's up?
Um, remember that "free hug"
coupon you gave me
for my ninth birthday
that I never used?
Yeah.
Well, I'd like to use it.
Oh, okay. Sure.
But... I'd like
to sort of upgrade it.
I'd like it
to be a butt-hug with Kent.
What? Are you out
of your mind?!
Chris, please,
just sleep with Kent
and then tell me
all about it.
Forget it, Meg.
I can't just do stuff
with another guy.
I'm not Derek Jeter.
I like girls.
Ugh, come on, Chris.
Girls are terrible.
They're always backstabbing
and giving each other
phony compliments.
Oh, wow, you are definitely
not afraid of dessert.
You know, I wish I
were secure enough
to throw on any old thing
and call it an outfit.
Come on, you have
so much body confidence.
I mean, who wouldn't
with those strong legs?
So muscular.
I'm jealous of how thick
with strength they are.
Hey, I like your tie.
Thanks.
Come on, Chris,
he'll do all the work.
I said no, Meg.
I'll pay you
a hundred bucks.
Oh, fine, I'll
keep it in my bum.
There'll be
plenty of room.
That's my sarcastic way of
saying it's not gonna happen.
Good day, Meg.
Oh, it's gonna happen.
(doorbell rings)
Oh, hi, Meg.
Hi, Mr. Quagmire.
What can I do for you?
I-I was wondering
if I could borrow some roofies?
Oh, sure, sure,
just a sec.
Roofies, huh?
Pretty big pill for
such a little girl.
Yeah, I know, but I asked
someone to do me a favor,
and they're not too keen
on doing it.
Oh, I know what
they're for, honey.
So, how's school?
Oh, good, thanks.
Studies going well?
Yeah, yeah, mostly A's and B's
so far this semester.
Oh, that's so great.
Seeing anyone
special these days?
Hey, obviously, right?
(laughter)
Of course, yeah.
Okay, well, listen, good
luck with everything.
And, uh, call me
if you get arrested.
I will. Thanks.
That's what
it's all about, Glenn.
Don't rape it back,
rape it forward.
All right,
I talked to Chris,
and he totally wants
to hook up with you, too.
No way! Really?
I didn't even
know he was gay.
It's just that
he's not as comfortable
with his sexuality
as you are yet,
so he's gonna need
to pretend to be asleep
while it's happening.
Oh, he's a snooze-juicer.
Okay.
Wow, I didn't know Chris
had this dark side to him.
Oh, yeah,
Chris has a major dark side.
My dad is actually
really scared of him.
(creaking)
Wha...
Who's there?
Go back to sleep, Dad.
Okay.
(whimpering)
You're very
precious to me.
Chris, I made
some Kool-Aid!
You want some?
Sure!
Chris, what are you doing
in my room?
Nothing.
Yes, you were.
You were putting something
in my drawer.
What's this?
(sighs)
Look, Meg,
I know you've been having
a hard time lately,
so I wanted
to give you something
that means a lot to me.
Oh, I remember this.
This was the trip
our family took to the Cape.
Ugh, it was miserable.
It was raining, and Mom and
Dad fought the whole time.
You taught me how
to hunt squirrels
with poisoned cheese,
and then you took me
to the hospital
when the squirrels tricked me
into eating the cheese.
Chris, you kept this photo
all these years?
Yeah, it's gotten me
through a lot of tough times.
Like when Felicity
cut her hair.
What?!
Aw, thanks, Chris.
That was really
thoughtful of you.
Hey, so can I have
some of that Kool-Aid now?
No.
No, actually you can't.
Oh, Chris, hi.
I didn't realize
you'd be awake.
What?
Well, Meg said you'd be asleep,
but it's fine.
I can work with this.
Oh, hell no!
Meg!
Oh, my God.
Kent, I just texted you
that the plan was off.
Meg, what the hell
were you planning on doing?!
Oh, Chris,
I'm so sorry.
I was so obsessed
with Kent
that I-I guess I wasn't
thinking straight.
I'm just glad I stopped before
I did a really terrible thing.
Terrible thing?
What terrible thing?
Well, like I said,
I-I changed my mind.
I-I didn't do it.
But, um...
I was...
kind of gonna...
roofie you.
What?!
What is wrong with you?!
And, Kent, I owe you
an apology, too.
I lied when I told you that
Chris wanted to sleep with you.
Save it, Meg!
I don't need your apologies!
I can see now
that you're a complete psycho!
Boy, clothes sure are a prison,
aren't they?
Lot of drumroll for nothing.
What's this?
Ooh, candy!
Hey, Meg.
I heard what happened.
Yeah, Kent hates me now.
You made a mistake.
I know you feel terrible,
but you're not
a bad person, Meg.
You just need
to get back out there,
and someday,
maybe you'll find the right guy.
You really
think so, Brian?
I know so.
All it takes is one guy
making one mistake,
one drunken night.
Sperm finding a fertile egg.
You refusing to do
what a sane woman would do.
You got him, Meg.
You got him for life.
Thanks, Brian.
No problem.
Hey, do either of you know
what poison ivy looks like?
that all you see
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!
(gasps)
There he is.
The reason my bedpost
is so shiny.
Oh, my God, are you still
obsessed with Kent?
Just ask him out already.
The worst that could happen
is he says no.
Are you kidding? Of
course he'll say no.
There's no way he'd
ever go out with me.
He's just so...
dreamy.
Oh, Kent,
what are we gonna do?
With the Earth destroyed,
we're the only two humans left.
Well, then, it looks like we
need to start repopulating.
(lounge music playing)
Meg and Kent
are having space sex
We can't show it
But that's what's happening.
(Meg moaning)
(gagging)
I think she's choking.
Should we wake her up?
No, she's got to learn
to breathe out of her nose.
(breathing heavily)
She's getting it.
Peter, you want
another waffle?
I can't Lois.
I promised Janice
I'd take her shift.
Can I get two eggs,
scrambled, on toast?
Sure thing, honey. Adam and
Eve on a raft, wreck them!
I'd like a hotdog with ketchup
and some Jell-O, please.
Paint a bow-wow red and a
side of nervous pudding!
Can I have a well-done burger
with lettuce and tomato?
Burn one, drag it through
the garden, pin a rose on it!
Got a telephone pole heading
to the swimming hole.
Spray it with sunshine!
Psst.
Hey, dog.
What?
You want in?
Yeah.
Ah, look at this.
She's taped photographs of
Virginia Woolf and Katy Perry
on the inside cover,
as if she's some sort
of hip hybrid
of those two things.
Ugh. Yeah, like
she could ever write
Who's Afraid of
Virginia Woolf?
Brian,
Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
was not written
by Virginia Woolf.
Yeah, obviously.
But, you know, it's-it's
pretty much about her.
It really isn't, Brian.
Let's, uh, let's just
get into this, huh?
"Dear Diary, got
down to 152 today.
Think that's a
nice weight for me."
Oh, here's another one.
"Dear Diary, just discovered
the music of John Denver.
Wow-wee, where's this been?"
Hey, look at this.
"Kent is so incredibly sexy.
"He said 'hi' to me
today, and I almost died.
"Also, I learned a funny lesson
today in my pursuit of Kent:
anal bleaching is better
left to professionals. LOL."
Oh, oh!
No, no, no,
come on, now, come on.
Jeez, it's just pages and pages
of stuff about this Kent guy.
She's really obsessed with him.
Well, obsession's not such
a bad thing.
It got us
the first printing press.
You're a whore, Sheila,
and I'm gonna make sure
everybody knows it!
Here!
I can't read.
No one can read.
Bye, Patty. Bye, Esther.
Bye, overzealous Asian kids
lining up to be the first ones
in school tomorrow.
Go away. No time
to say "bye."
(laughs) I pass you
'cause you lose focus!
Damn! Lost focus!
Life over!
Oh, Kent,
this is all I ever wanted.
I feel the same way, Meg.
From today onward,
this is our life.
We should get
off the horse soon.
I want to save one for you.
(horn honking, tires squealing)
Oh, my God!
Are you all right?
Lucky for you,
this tree was my destination.
And the job exchange begins.
Sir, do you want to move ahead
on the agreement
with the sanitation union?
Sir, we need leadership.
Oh, my God, Meg!
Are you okay?
Yeah, I-I'm fine.
I guess I got distracted again
thinking about Kent.
Oh, I can't do this anymore.
I've just got to ask him out.
Sorry!
Honey, give me
any laundry you have.
I'm doing a diapers
and Meg load.
Hey, Mom, can I ask you
about something?
Of course, Meg.
What's on your mind?
Well, there's this guy
I like at school,
and I was thinking about,
I-I don't know, maybe
calling him and...
Meg, are you asking,
in this day and age,
when the CEO of Xerox
is a woman,
when the president
of Brazil is a woman,
even Rosie O'Donnell
is a woman,
whether it's appropriate
for a girl
to ask a boy out on a date?
Of course it's appropriate.
It's also sad and desperate
and I would never do it,
but you're not me,
are you, sweetie?
No, I'm not.
(laughing):
No, you're not.
(sighs)
(phone rings)
Hello?
Hey, Kent?
It's Meg, from
English class.
Uh...
And math class?
And bio?
And the Facebook campaign
to get me to kill myself?
Oh, Meg!
Hey, what's up?
Hey!
Um, nothing much.
I was just wondering
if you maybe wanted
to hang out some time?
Sure.
Oh, wow, cool!
Okay, um,
I'll-I'll text you?
(beeps)
(screams)
Yes! I can't believe it!
Oh, my God, I'm going out
on a date with Kent Lastname.
Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
(screams)
Oh, my gosh!
I'm gonna go ahead
and shut this for you.
(knocking)
Oh, hello.
Hi, you must be
Mrs. Griffin.
I'm Kent.
I'm here to pick up Meg.
Oh, Kent, it's so
nice to meet you.
She's just getting ready.
Meg, Kent's here!
Just putting on my lipstick.
Damn it.
And this is Meg's brother,
Chris.
Oh, yeah,
I've seen you around school.
You eat
with the deaf kids, right?
One of them isn't
all the way deaf.
What grade are you in again?
That's still being worked
out by a team of counselors.
Cool.
Hope to see you around school.
He seems nice.
Sorry, I missed all that.
I was tweeting.
MOVIE ANNOUNCER:
Coming this fall,
the prequel to Philadelphia.
Are you sure
we don't need a condom?
No, it's okay,
I'm a lawyer.
(loud kissing noises)
(yawns)
How you girls doing on popcorn?
I'll take some.
Here you go.
(yawns)
Oh, sorry, am I taking
up the whole armrest?
Boy, it's kind
of chilly in here.
Really? You got big sweat
marks under your boobs.
That must mean
they must like you then.
(forced giggling)
Hey, I'll be
right back.
I got to go to
the bathroom.
Oh, thank God.
And now,
our feature presentation:
Adrien Brody Doing Sit-Ups
in 3-D.
ADRIEN BRODY:
One.
(crowd screams)
Two.
(screams)
(tires squeak)
That was fun.
We should hang out
again some time.
Yeah, definitely.
Well, good night.
Night.
Oh, no, I'm sorry.
Oh, my God, I thought you...
I didn't think
this was a date.
Oh, my God.
I'm so embarrassed!
Hey, it's 10:30!
I suggest you take your dope
and go elsewhere!
I'm sorry, Meg. I
think you're great,
and I love hanging
out with you,
but there's something
you should know.
I'm gay.
You are?
Look, I really like you as a
friend, but to be honest...
I like Chris.
What?
I have a shoe appointment
in the morning,
and I want to be fresh!
Yeah, the person
I'm attracted to
is your brother.
Brother?
Rupert, did you hear that?
Meg's boyfriend
is in love with me.
Not that I care.
I mean, it won't matter
once I explain to him
what's going on with us.
But what would I tell him
is going on with us?
(sobbing)
(sobbing continues)
Thanks, Brian!
Brian?
Hey... princess.
I'll get out of your hair.
I can see you want
to be left alone.
Why does everything bad
always happen to me?
Huh, you and me both.
I got this cold.
(coughing)
And it's-it's
just in that
"I don't want to give it to
a friend" stage, you know?
(sniffling)
Oh, God, you hear that?
I sound like a
Jewish See 'n Say.
The uncle says...
(phlegmy coughing)
The grandpa says...
GRANDPA:
What?!
The aunt says...
AUNT:
Oh-h.
Kent told me he's gay,
and even worse,
he likes Chris!
Oh, wow, I'm really
sorry to hear that, Meg.
I don't get it.
I've been going to high school
with him for three years,
and I always assumed
he was straight.
Well, high school's
a tough time, Meg.
Maybe he thought
he was straight,
but then realized
he's gay.
He's probably still
figuring things out.
Hang in there.
Well, I'll help him
figure things out.
I'll help him figure out
that he's straight.
That was really close.
Hey, Chris, you
mind if I sit here?
No, of course not.
We were just having
a political discussion.
Bill's, uh...
kind of conservative.
Hey, you know,
it was really cool
meeting you the
other night.
I was thinking maybe we
should hang out sometime.
Sure. I sleep for, like, six
hours every day after school,
but other than that,
I'm pretty open.
Well, great, then
we should definitely...
Oh, hey, Meg.
Listen, I hope you're okay
after the other night.
Yeah, no,
that's-that's what
I wanted to talk to
you about, Kent.
Look, I-I know you're going
through a confusing time.
The thing is, though,
I feel like you're
not actually gay.
What?
No, I-I told you, I am.
You don't talk
or act gay.
I mean, you
play football.
Those jeans cost
20 bucks, tops.
And you only use
"hello" as a greeting,
not as a way to outdo
some imaginary antagonist
in conversation.
Meg, please stop.
I know your heart's
in the right place, but...
Actually, it's not.
It's a serious
medical condition.
Yeah, that's...
that's not supposed to be there,
so she should probably
always wear a hat.
Hey.
Hey.
So I guess you heard
about Meg's boyfriend, huh?
I did.
I did hear, yes.
Weird, right?
Guy has a crush
on her own brother.
But, you know, the heart wants
what the heart wants.
I just hope it doesn't
cause awkwardness,
you know, in the house.
Oh, no, it doesn't have
to be awkward,
not if we don't make it awkward.
I just don't see
the attraction.
I mean, is it all
about that big package?
Big? You really think so?
Are you kidding?
Biggest in the family.
That thing should be hanging
from the ceiling of a deli.
Thanks, Brian.
God, I have
so much energy now.
(giggling):
Am I the only one
who feels like grabbing a drink?
Hey, do you think
this picture is hot?
Kind of, yeah.
Well guess what:
that's my back.
Hook up with me!
Come on!
We can make this work.
Just stick your head in here
and pretend it's a butt.
No, Meg, stop it.
God, this is
getting too weird.
I can't be
your boyfriend.
In fact, I don't even
think I can be your friend.
Kent, wait!
We can totally be friends.
We can go shopping together.
And I like musicals.
I've even seen
the latest Tony Award-winning
piece of crap.
If more people join in
The song will get better
If more people join in
The song will get better
If more people join in
The song will get better
If more people join in
The song will get better
Now you're having fun
'Cause we're in the aisles
Even the bad guy
is singing along.
They're singing right near me,
so it's a great musical.
Hey, Meg, what's wrong?
What's wrong
is that Kent doesn't like me.
He likes my brother, Chris.
Oh, my God.
No way!
Well, I mean,
you've done
everything you can do.
I guess you just
have to move on.
Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of
sweet guy-trim at this school.
You-you don't understand.
He's all I think about.
I-I can't eat, I can't sleep.
Just thinking about him now
gives me heart palpitations.
(heart thumping)
I feel like if I could just know
what it's like to be with him,
just-just once,
I could at least have
some sort of closure.
Well, if Kent hooks up
with your brother,
you could just have Chris
describe every last detail
to you.
Oh, my God, that's it.
What do you mean?
I mean,
if I can't have Kent,
then that's
the next best thing.
I've just got to get Chris
to sleep with him.
Oh, no.
Here comes
Mr. Davis with one
of his technically-not-
illegal invitations.
Girls, I'm gonna be
at the park later.
Oh, I wouldn't worry
about it, Bonnie.
I've put Stewie in the oven
a bunch of times.
As long as you come
to your senses
within 15 minutes,
everything's fine.
Lois, can I go Slip 'N
Slide in the yard?
Has it been half an hour
since you've eaten?
Yes. Almost.
Okay, I just want to be sure
you don't get a cramp.
Yay! Poor people
water fun!
Hey, Chris.
Uh, can I ask you a question?
Sure, what's up?
Um, remember that "free hug"
coupon you gave me
for my ninth birthday
that I never used?
Yeah.
Well, I'd like to use it.
Oh, okay. Sure.
But... I'd like
to sort of upgrade it.
I'd like it
to be a butt-hug with Kent.
What? Are you out
of your mind?!
Chris, please,
just sleep with Kent
and then tell me
all about it.
Forget it, Meg.
I can't just do stuff
with another guy.
I'm not Derek Jeter.
I like girls.
Ugh, come on, Chris.
Girls are terrible.
They're always backstabbing
and giving each other
phony compliments.
Oh, wow, you are definitely
not afraid of dessert.
You know, I wish I
were secure enough
to throw on any old thing
and call it an outfit.
Come on, you have
so much body confidence.
I mean, who wouldn't
with those strong legs?
So muscular.
I'm jealous of how thick
with strength they are.
Hey, I like your tie.
Thanks.
Come on, Chris,
he'll do all the work.
I said no, Meg.
I'll pay you
a hundred bucks.
Oh, fine, I'll
keep it in my bum.
There'll be
plenty of room.
That's my sarcastic way of
saying it's not gonna happen.
Good day, Meg.
Oh, it's gonna happen.
(doorbell rings)
Oh, hi, Meg.
Hi, Mr. Quagmire.
What can I do for you?
I-I was wondering
if I could borrow some roofies?
Oh, sure, sure,
just a sec.
Roofies, huh?
Pretty big pill for
such a little girl.
Yeah, I know, but I asked
someone to do me a favor,
and they're not too keen
on doing it.
Oh, I know what
they're for, honey.
So, how's school?
Oh, good, thanks.
Studies going well?
Yeah, yeah, mostly A's and B's
so far this semester.
Oh, that's so great.
Seeing anyone
special these days?
Hey, obviously, right?
(laughter)
Of course, yeah.
Okay, well, listen, good
luck with everything.
And, uh, call me
if you get arrested.
I will. Thanks.
That's what
it's all about, Glenn.
Don't rape it back,
rape it forward.
All right,
I talked to Chris,
and he totally wants
to hook up with you, too.
No way! Really?
I didn't even
know he was gay.
It's just that
he's not as comfortable
with his sexuality
as you are yet,
so he's gonna need
to pretend to be asleep
while it's happening.
Oh, he's a snooze-juicer.
Okay.
Wow, I didn't know Chris
had this dark side to him.
Oh, yeah,
Chris has a major dark side.
My dad is actually
really scared of him.
(creaking)
Wha...
Who's there?
Go back to sleep, Dad.
Okay.
(whimpering)
You're very
precious to me.
Chris, I made
some Kool-Aid!
You want some?
Sure!
Chris, what are you doing
in my room?
Nothing.
Yes, you were.
You were putting something
in my drawer.
What's this?
(sighs)
Look, Meg,
I know you've been having
a hard time lately,
so I wanted
to give you something
that means a lot to me.
Oh, I remember this.
This was the trip
our family took to the Cape.
Ugh, it was miserable.
It was raining, and Mom and
Dad fought the whole time.
You taught me how
to hunt squirrels
with poisoned cheese,
and then you took me
to the hospital
when the squirrels tricked me
into eating the cheese.
Chris, you kept this photo
all these years?
Yeah, it's gotten me
through a lot of tough times.
Like when Felicity
cut her hair.
What?!
Aw, thanks, Chris.
That was really
thoughtful of you.
Hey, so can I have
some of that Kool-Aid now?
No.
No, actually you can't.
Oh, Chris, hi.
I didn't realize
you'd be awake.
What?
Well, Meg said you'd be asleep,
but it's fine.
I can work with this.
Oh, hell no!
Meg!
Oh, my God.
Kent, I just texted you
that the plan was off.
Meg, what the hell
were you planning on doing?!
Oh, Chris,
I'm so sorry.
I was so obsessed
with Kent
that I-I guess I wasn't
thinking straight.
I'm just glad I stopped before
I did a really terrible thing.
Terrible thing?
What terrible thing?
Well, like I said,
I-I changed my mind.
I-I didn't do it.
But, um...
I was...
kind of gonna...
roofie you.
What?!
What is wrong with you?!
And, Kent, I owe you
an apology, too.
I lied when I told you that
Chris wanted to sleep with you.
Save it, Meg!
I don't need your apologies!
I can see now
that you're a complete psycho!
Boy, clothes sure are a prison,
aren't they?
Lot of drumroll for nothing.
What's this?
Ooh, candy!
Hey, Meg.
I heard what happened.
Yeah, Kent hates me now.
You made a mistake.
I know you feel terrible,
but you're not
a bad person, Meg.
You just need
to get back out there,
and someday,
maybe you'll find the right guy.
You really
think so, Brian?
I know so.
All it takes is one guy
making one mistake,
one drunken night.
Sperm finding a fertile egg.
You refusing to do
what a sane woman would do.
You got him, Meg.
You got him for life.
Thanks, Brian.
No problem.
Hey, do either of you know
what poison ivy looks like?