Family Guy (1998–…): Season 11, Episode 6 - Lois Comes Out of Her Shell - full transcript
While Lois goes through a mid-life crisis, Stewie discovers that his new pet turtle is evil.
It seems today
that all you see
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!
All right, I'm going
to the store.
Yeah, can you get me a chess set
and a backwards hat?
I got some inner-city
school kids
I gotta inspire tomorrow.
Okay, Darius,
point to the king.
That's right.
It's you.
Hey, Lois. Doesn't, uh,
somebody have
a birthday coming up
this week?
Oh, it's nice of you
to remember, Brian,
but, frankly, I'd rather
let this one slip by.
I don't need to be reminded
how old I'm gettin'.
You know, it's funny.
You keep so busy
with your kids,
time just seems
to slip away,
and then you turn
around one day and...
Okay, bye.
Stop making noise.
(sighs)
You know, Peter, I know
Lois is downplaying it,
but I think she might
actually appreciate it
if we threw her
a party.
Maybe even
a surprise party.
That's a great
idea, Brian!
Yeah, I love parties.
I mean, I had a great time
at my baby shower.
Well, after opening all
these gifts,
I could use a little wine
right now myself.
(chuckles) Glug,
glug, glug, glug.
Can you imagine?!
(laughs)
(sobbing)
I'm sorry. My hormones are
just crazy right now!
(both laughing)
Stewie, you want
a Mommy rocket ride?
What?
What do you mean?
Here we go!
Get ready for blastoff!
(bone cracks)
Ow! Son of a bitch!
Oh, my God, Stewie,
are you all right?
Nice throw,
Casey Anthony.
Oh, my God, I hope the guys
at Sears portrait studio
will be able to retouch this.
What am I saying?
Of course they will.
They're Sears.
What the deuce?
Well, hello there.
I say, you're
a cute little fellow.
Tell me something: What do you
think about Rose McGowan?
Yeah, she makes
my turtlehead go in, too.
How about Michelle Rodriguez?
Yeah, me too, kinda, right?
You know, she's got
like a cute tomboy thing
where you feel like you could
play softball with her,
and then later on,
give her the old sau-seege.
I like you.
I can tell we're going
to be good friends.
We've got that unspoken bond
that all bald guys have.
I thought
he'd never leave.
Me neither.
(slurping)
(both sigh)
Yeah.
Aw, did you guys
just do the thing?
Okay, we'll see you soon.
Bye. All right, you guys,
that was Lois. She's gonna be
here in ten minutes.
Dad, how did you get Mom out of
the house so we could decorate?
Well, Chris, I constructed
a very elaborate
fake grocery store.
Oh, my God!
Are these pickles really
only 39 cents?!
That's right, ma'am.
Wow! This is incredible!
(wind whistling)
What the hell's
going on here?
And over here are my toys.
This is my fire truck,
my Slinky, my Silly Putty.
You know, Silly Putty's
awesome,
but you know what's
really cool? Serious Putty.
Oh, this looks
like fun!
It says I have cancer.
We thought it would be better
if you heard it
from chemicals in an egg.
Hey, Stewie,
you better come down.
The party's
about to start.
What is that?
Is that a turtle?
Yes, Brian.
I found him at the park.
I named him Sheldon.
Oh, and get this:
I brought him home today,
and coincidentally
this is the day
Rupert started
working out again.
So transparent.
Rupert?
What happened to your eye?
Brian, did you pull
one of Rupert's eyes off?
No. Why would I do that?
Maybe your
turtle did it.
Nonsense. Sheldon
is a gentle soul.
He wouldn't hurt anybody.
Well, come on.
Let's get downstairs.
Lois will be here
any minute.
ALL:
Surprise!
Yay!
Birthday!
Oh, my God!
Happy birthday,
Lois!
You guys shouldn't
have done this!
Hey, anytime you can celebrate
the end of someone's periods.
Everyone, everyone,
I have something to say.
To my dearest Lois
on her birthday.
What a journey
we've had together.
You know, life has a way
of changing things.
What were once two firm,
impressive mountain peaks
have become a barren,
strip-mined, muddy landslide
that droops ever downward.
What were once pink
and succulent rose petals
now take the form
of the shredded, raggedy,
blown-out endpiece
of a practical joker's
exploding cigar.
Peter, that-
that's enough.
Lois, you may not be
the young filly you were
when I met you,
but you're still my
reliable old plow horse
who's there each day
to pull the plow,
to help around the barn,
and let the husband horse-slap
a batch at her now and then.
Well, I guess that's it.
I love you, sweetheart.
And I have a lovely gift
of the batchslapping variety
waiting for you when I'm just
the right amount of drunk.
To Lois!
ALL:
To Lois!
(sobbing, door shuts)
Lois!
Mom!
Geez, what the hell's
her problem?
Peter, she was already
feeling insecure about her age,
and then you went and gave her
that horrible speech!
I don't blame her.
Nobody likes to be
humiliated in public.
I'm King Stewie!
I rule with
an iron fist!
La, la-la, la-la la-la!
Look at me! Ooh!
In my office. Now.
Hey, any of you guys
seen your mother?
She never came
to bed last night,
and I can't find
her anywhere.
(car horn beeps)
What the hell?
Hey, sluts!
OMG, stop staring at me,
please-'kay-thanks.
Mom, are you okay?
Lois, what's goin' on?
I'm what's
goin' on, Peter.
I got highlights,
I went shopping,
and I had my...
So it's tighter now.
Peter, I think Lois might be
having a midlife crisis.
Come on, dudes!
Who wants to hop in my wheels
and head to the beach
for some ultimate Frisbee?
Yeah, Sheldon, I'm with you.
I can't... I can't do that.
Hey, tweeps!
JK, I don't follow you,
you're lame.
But look who just got
herself a sick new tat.
MEG:
Oh, my God, Mom!
I know,
I can't believe it either.
I guess one of my flaws
is I'm just kinda brave.
No, that's great actually,
because now
anyone walking behind you
will know that you had $60.
Wow! That is awesome, Lois!
Your bum looks like
an NBA guy's arm.
'Cept it's not payin'
someone to install
a PlayStation in a car.
Lois, you do know
that's permanent?
Good. Then that means
my ass is gonna
look young forever.
Guys, I, uh, I gotta go
shoot one into the sink.
What's going on?
Mom's acting and dressing
like a 20-year-old.
I know, and I'm
worried about her.
You can't just pretend
to be something you're not.
Yes, just ask
Edward Scissorhands.
Okay, now, I'm an excellent
night nurse, so you two get
some much-deserved sleep
and don't worry about a thing.
I will take such loving care
of this wonderful little gift.
And when you wake up,
well-rested,
your precious little baby
will be smiling
as bright as the sun.
It's dead.
And while I remind you
I can't read yet,
I can only imagine
Madeline would say,
"Take me out of this
disgusting French hospital
and find me some
real parents."
Ah! Paper cut!
A razor blade?!
Who the hell uses a razor blade
as a bookmark?!
All right,
very funny, Stewie.
What?
What do you mean, what?
You replaced my Jack Daniels
with flat Diet Coke.
No, I didn't.
And you're noticing this
at 8:20 in the morning?
What has happened
to your life?
Do you need to talk?
Just stay away
from my booze!
It wasn't me, Brian.
Well, if it wasn't you,
who was it?
I mean, there's a lot
of weird stuff
Just yesterday, somebody gave
Peter a "hotbutt."
La, la, la, la, la,
regular life
La, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, l...
And then somebody replaced
Meg's sleeping pills
with Alka-Seltzer.
People are gonna miss me
when I'm...
(belching)
Well, I'm sure there's a
perfectly logical explanation
for those things.
Sometimes you just...
Whoa, that was close.
Yeah, how'd
that thing fall over?
Okay, who replaced
my glasses with forks?
I mean, they're real good
for seeing forks
but not much else.
LOIS:
Peter, can you come down
to the laundry room?
Ugh, son of a bitch.
If she washed
my belt again,
I am gonna hit her
with my dry, withered belt.
What is it, Lois?
I was watching...
Whoa, Lois, what the
hell are you doing?
Do me, Peter, do me right here
in the basement.
Y-You mean this room we're in
or your bum?
No, this room, Peter,
right here on the carpet.
Oh, so you mean the front.
Just get over here
and kiss me.
Let's have sex on all
the clean, folded laundry.
Wow, Lois, I got to say,
I like this new you.
I like it a lot.
(both giggling)
Oh, Peter!
Oh, Peter, yes!
Yeah.
Oh, I'm on fire.
Yeah.
Take me, you
filthy bastard.
Yeah, oh.
Destroy me and
this laundry.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, here, put Meg's
bra in your mouth.
Oh, my God,
that's so disturbing.
I know, gross.
Yeah, and my hearing's
a lot better,
so I hear, like,
suction and stuff.
"All I wanna do is have
a little fun before I die"
Says the man next to me
out of nowhere
The good people of the world
Are washing their cars
on their lunch break
Hosing and scrubbing
as best they can
In skirts and suits
They drive
their shiny Datsuns and Buicks
Back to the phone company,
the record store, too
Well, they're nothing
like Billy and me
'Cause all I wanna do
is have some fun
I got a feeling
I'm not the only one
All I wanna do
is have some fun
I got a feeling
I'm not the only one
All I want to do
is have some fun
Until the sun comes up
over Santa Monica Boulevard.
(sniffs)
(screams)
Sheldon. What are you doing?
Get back in your bowl
where you belong.
Well, long as I'm up, I might
as well go spit in Lois's mouth.
Sheldon?
(gasps)
(panting)
Come on, Stewie.
He's just a little turtle.
He can't hurt you.
(screams)
(hissing)
(toilet flushes)
(sighs)
Get out!
(chirping)
(squawking)
(neck snaps)
(dance music playing)
Isn't this epic, Peter?
That DJ has got
some mad skills.
(sighs) You think they
sell Anacin at the bar?
Come on.
Get up and dance
with me, Peter.
This place is sick.
Hells yeah!
It is the only
rooftop pool in Providence.
No offense, but this
place is awesome.
I-I-- Where was
I supposed to be offended
within that remark?
Can we, can we leave, Lois?
Actually, we are leaving.
We're hitting another
insane party across town.
What, you mean now?
Peter, you sound
like an old fart.
I thought you liked
having a hot, young wife.
Well, I did at first,
but the novelty's worn off.
Same thing happened with
that blog I started on 9/11.
Look, Peter,
you do what you want to do,
but I'm going to that party.
My life isn't over.
It's just beginning.
So if you don't want
to run with the wild horses,
then go back to the barn
and go to bed.
But, Lois...
Stupid place still doesn't
have my dry cleaning.
That's not a dry cleaners.
It's a dance club.
It is?
Well, that explains a lot.
(phone ringing)
Oh, this is my jam!
Jeez, Peter, you
look terrible.
I know.
Lois has been wearing me out.
I just can't keep up with her.
I don't know what
she's trying to prove, Brian,
but I can't take it anymore.
Peter, can't you see?
She's doing this
because of you.
For God's sake, you
called her a plow horse.
It's no wonder she's trying to
prove she's young and vibrant.
(over TV):
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
The city of Quahog
has been stricken
with a case of Bieber Fever
tonight,
as teen idol and fake black guy
Justin Bieber
is in town for a sold-out show
at the Quahog Civic Center.
We now go live
to Asian correspondent
Tricia Takanawa with more.
(girls screaming)
Tom, I'm standing here
at the Quahog Civic Center,
awash in a pool
of prepubescent sexual moisture.
Woo-hoo!
We love you, Justin!
Look!
That's Mom!
Oh, my God!
What the hell?
She's at
a Justin Bieber concert?
Ugh, Justin Bieber's
so yesterday.
I'm all about
Quentin Vashay now.
Who's Quentin Vashay?
Exactly.
What's going on?
Do we have to get
a new mom now?
No, Chris.
I'm gonna go get
our old mom back.
If I'm the one
who made her feel this way,
then I'm the one
who's got to fix it.
Brian, keys!
Chris, beer!
Meg, ugly!
Mm-hmm. Yes.
Yes, I see.
Rupert, the man
from the newspaper
would like a quote from you
about my dancing abilities.
Rupert?
Where'd you go?
Magnolia Cupcakes?
(screams)
Rupert! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, no!
If he did this to you,
I swear I'll kill him!
And what's that box from
Bloomingdale's doing here?
I, uh, I-I don't know
who this is.
(crowd cheering)
(women screaming)
Oh, my God, he is so adorable.
I could just bite him
and eat him up.
I know, he's perfect.
He's like a boy
and a girl.
I know!
(women screaming)
Sorry, you're not
allowed in here.
Oh, yeah?
I'm not into that.
Oh.
Well, what
are you into?
Pinkberry.
I love my job.
Yum, yum, yum, yum,
yum, yum, yum, yum.
Hey, there, cutie.
Oh, hey. How's it going?
Um, are you a friend
of my mom's?
(chuckles)
Yeah. I'm your mom's friend,
Mrs. Robinson.
I don't... I don't get that.
Is that a reference
to something?
Uh, okay.
Uh, I'm, uh-- oh,
I'm Stifler's mom.
Still no idea.
Okay, just get
your pants off, hon.
Stop right there!
Get away from her!
Peter?!
Who are you?
Step away from my wife,
you acorn-penised beauty!
Look, I swear.
Nothing happened.
Just relax, old man.
Old man?!
What, you think you're not gonna
get old, you little bastard?!
And, Lois, I've had
enough of you, too!
Now, you come home
and start acting your age!
No, Peter. I don't
want to act my age,
and you don't
want that either.
Otherwise, you wouldn't have
called me an old plow horse.
Look, I didn't mean
to say that.
I-I was a jerk.
But isn't this
what you want?
Don't you want me to
stay young and exciting?
Well, I thought I did.
I mean, every guy
who's been married a while
thinks he wants
a hot, young chick,
but after you spend an hour
with one of them,
you want to blow
your brains out.
But, Peter, I was just
doing this to make you happy.
You do make me happy, Lois.
You're the best thing
that's ever happened to me.
That's sweet.
But you got to admit,
I'm not what I used to be.
Well, neither am I.
(roars)
I used to be
a lion tamer.
Look, Lois,
I'll always treasure
the wild, little hottie
I met when I was young.
But I don't want to be
with a kid anymore.
I want a smart, sexy, beautiful,
middle-aged companion.
I want the real Lois.
My Lois.
Oh, Peter.
Mr. Bieber, they're
calling for an encore!
Oh, my God, those kids
are expecting a show.
I'll handle this.
(crowd cheering)
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Conway Bieber.
People see us everywhere
They think you really care
But myself I can't deceive
I know it's only
make-believe...
(air hissing)
STEWIE: Well, well,
look who has surfaced.
You're getting colder.
(yells)
(hisses)
(hisses)
Hey, get out here
and fight me!
(screams)
(coughs)
Damn it!
Now batting:
Stewie Griffin!
(beeping steadily)
Oh, crap.
Ugh, you look like
a nude Larry David.
No, no, no!
(video game sound effects)
Oh, my God, Super Mario?
What are you doing here?
(Italian accent):
I jump on a turtle, Stewie.
It's not an exciting life,
but it's my life.
It sure is good to
have you back, Mom.
Yeah, we missed you.
Well, thanks for putting up
with me, you guys.
Sorry I got so flipped out
about my age.
Aw, don't worry
about it, Lois.
But from now on,
remember:
I love you just
the way you are.
And besides, there's nothing
wrong with being 35.
Peter, I'm 43.
Get out of this house.
that all you see
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!
All right, I'm going
to the store.
Yeah, can you get me a chess set
and a backwards hat?
I got some inner-city
school kids
I gotta inspire tomorrow.
Okay, Darius,
point to the king.
That's right.
It's you.
Hey, Lois. Doesn't, uh,
somebody have
a birthday coming up
this week?
Oh, it's nice of you
to remember, Brian,
but, frankly, I'd rather
let this one slip by.
I don't need to be reminded
how old I'm gettin'.
You know, it's funny.
You keep so busy
with your kids,
time just seems
to slip away,
and then you turn
around one day and...
Okay, bye.
Stop making noise.
(sighs)
You know, Peter, I know
Lois is downplaying it,
but I think she might
actually appreciate it
if we threw her
a party.
Maybe even
a surprise party.
That's a great
idea, Brian!
Yeah, I love parties.
I mean, I had a great time
at my baby shower.
Well, after opening all
these gifts,
I could use a little wine
right now myself.
(chuckles) Glug,
glug, glug, glug.
Can you imagine?!
(laughs)
(sobbing)
I'm sorry. My hormones are
just crazy right now!
(both laughing)
Stewie, you want
a Mommy rocket ride?
What?
What do you mean?
Here we go!
Get ready for blastoff!
(bone cracks)
Ow! Son of a bitch!
Oh, my God, Stewie,
are you all right?
Nice throw,
Casey Anthony.
Oh, my God, I hope the guys
at Sears portrait studio
will be able to retouch this.
What am I saying?
Of course they will.
They're Sears.
What the deuce?
Well, hello there.
I say, you're
a cute little fellow.
Tell me something: What do you
think about Rose McGowan?
Yeah, she makes
my turtlehead go in, too.
How about Michelle Rodriguez?
Yeah, me too, kinda, right?
You know, she's got
like a cute tomboy thing
where you feel like you could
play softball with her,
and then later on,
give her the old sau-seege.
I like you.
I can tell we're going
to be good friends.
We've got that unspoken bond
that all bald guys have.
I thought
he'd never leave.
Me neither.
(slurping)
(both sigh)
Yeah.
Aw, did you guys
just do the thing?
Okay, we'll see you soon.
Bye. All right, you guys,
that was Lois. She's gonna be
here in ten minutes.
Dad, how did you get Mom out of
the house so we could decorate?
Well, Chris, I constructed
a very elaborate
fake grocery store.
Oh, my God!
Are these pickles really
only 39 cents?!
That's right, ma'am.
Wow! This is incredible!
(wind whistling)
What the hell's
going on here?
And over here are my toys.
This is my fire truck,
my Slinky, my Silly Putty.
You know, Silly Putty's
awesome,
but you know what's
really cool? Serious Putty.
Oh, this looks
like fun!
It says I have cancer.
We thought it would be better
if you heard it
from chemicals in an egg.
Hey, Stewie,
you better come down.
The party's
about to start.
What is that?
Is that a turtle?
Yes, Brian.
I found him at the park.
I named him Sheldon.
Oh, and get this:
I brought him home today,
and coincidentally
this is the day
Rupert started
working out again.
So transparent.
Rupert?
What happened to your eye?
Brian, did you pull
one of Rupert's eyes off?
No. Why would I do that?
Maybe your
turtle did it.
Nonsense. Sheldon
is a gentle soul.
He wouldn't hurt anybody.
Well, come on.
Let's get downstairs.
Lois will be here
any minute.
ALL:
Surprise!
Yay!
Birthday!
Oh, my God!
Happy birthday,
Lois!
You guys shouldn't
have done this!
Hey, anytime you can celebrate
the end of someone's periods.
Everyone, everyone,
I have something to say.
To my dearest Lois
on her birthday.
What a journey
we've had together.
You know, life has a way
of changing things.
What were once two firm,
impressive mountain peaks
have become a barren,
strip-mined, muddy landslide
that droops ever downward.
What were once pink
and succulent rose petals
now take the form
of the shredded, raggedy,
blown-out endpiece
of a practical joker's
exploding cigar.
Peter, that-
that's enough.
Lois, you may not be
the young filly you were
when I met you,
but you're still my
reliable old plow horse
who's there each day
to pull the plow,
to help around the barn,
and let the husband horse-slap
a batch at her now and then.
Well, I guess that's it.
I love you, sweetheart.
And I have a lovely gift
of the batchslapping variety
waiting for you when I'm just
the right amount of drunk.
To Lois!
ALL:
To Lois!
(sobbing, door shuts)
Lois!
Mom!
Geez, what the hell's
her problem?
Peter, she was already
feeling insecure about her age,
and then you went and gave her
that horrible speech!
I don't blame her.
Nobody likes to be
humiliated in public.
I'm King Stewie!
I rule with
an iron fist!
La, la-la, la-la la-la!
Look at me! Ooh!
In my office. Now.
Hey, any of you guys
seen your mother?
She never came
to bed last night,
and I can't find
her anywhere.
(car horn beeps)
What the hell?
Hey, sluts!
OMG, stop staring at me,
please-'kay-thanks.
Mom, are you okay?
Lois, what's goin' on?
I'm what's
goin' on, Peter.
I got highlights,
I went shopping,
and I had my...
So it's tighter now.
Peter, I think Lois might be
having a midlife crisis.
Come on, dudes!
Who wants to hop in my wheels
and head to the beach
for some ultimate Frisbee?
Yeah, Sheldon, I'm with you.
I can't... I can't do that.
Hey, tweeps!
JK, I don't follow you,
you're lame.
But look who just got
herself a sick new tat.
MEG:
Oh, my God, Mom!
I know,
I can't believe it either.
I guess one of my flaws
is I'm just kinda brave.
No, that's great actually,
because now
anyone walking behind you
will know that you had $60.
Wow! That is awesome, Lois!
Your bum looks like
an NBA guy's arm.
'Cept it's not payin'
someone to install
a PlayStation in a car.
Lois, you do know
that's permanent?
Good. Then that means
my ass is gonna
look young forever.
Guys, I, uh, I gotta go
shoot one into the sink.
What's going on?
Mom's acting and dressing
like a 20-year-old.
I know, and I'm
worried about her.
You can't just pretend
to be something you're not.
Yes, just ask
Edward Scissorhands.
Okay, now, I'm an excellent
night nurse, so you two get
some much-deserved sleep
and don't worry about a thing.
I will take such loving care
of this wonderful little gift.
And when you wake up,
well-rested,
your precious little baby
will be smiling
as bright as the sun.
It's dead.
And while I remind you
I can't read yet,
I can only imagine
Madeline would say,
"Take me out of this
disgusting French hospital
and find me some
real parents."
Ah! Paper cut!
A razor blade?!
Who the hell uses a razor blade
as a bookmark?!
All right,
very funny, Stewie.
What?
What do you mean, what?
You replaced my Jack Daniels
with flat Diet Coke.
No, I didn't.
And you're noticing this
at 8:20 in the morning?
What has happened
to your life?
Do you need to talk?
Just stay away
from my booze!
It wasn't me, Brian.
Well, if it wasn't you,
who was it?
I mean, there's a lot
of weird stuff
Just yesterday, somebody gave
Peter a "hotbutt."
La, la, la, la, la,
regular life
La, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, l...
And then somebody replaced
Meg's sleeping pills
with Alka-Seltzer.
People are gonna miss me
when I'm...
(belching)
Well, I'm sure there's a
perfectly logical explanation
for those things.
Sometimes you just...
Whoa, that was close.
Yeah, how'd
that thing fall over?
Okay, who replaced
my glasses with forks?
I mean, they're real good
for seeing forks
but not much else.
LOIS:
Peter, can you come down
to the laundry room?
Ugh, son of a bitch.
If she washed
my belt again,
I am gonna hit her
with my dry, withered belt.
What is it, Lois?
I was watching...
Whoa, Lois, what the
hell are you doing?
Do me, Peter, do me right here
in the basement.
Y-You mean this room we're in
or your bum?
No, this room, Peter,
right here on the carpet.
Oh, so you mean the front.
Just get over here
and kiss me.
Let's have sex on all
the clean, folded laundry.
Wow, Lois, I got to say,
I like this new you.
I like it a lot.
(both giggling)
Oh, Peter!
Oh, Peter, yes!
Yeah.
Oh, I'm on fire.
Yeah.
Take me, you
filthy bastard.
Yeah, oh.
Destroy me and
this laundry.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, here, put Meg's
bra in your mouth.
Oh, my God,
that's so disturbing.
I know, gross.
Yeah, and my hearing's
a lot better,
so I hear, like,
suction and stuff.
"All I wanna do is have
a little fun before I die"
Says the man next to me
out of nowhere
The good people of the world
Are washing their cars
on their lunch break
Hosing and scrubbing
as best they can
In skirts and suits
They drive
their shiny Datsuns and Buicks
Back to the phone company,
the record store, too
Well, they're nothing
like Billy and me
'Cause all I wanna do
is have some fun
I got a feeling
I'm not the only one
All I wanna do
is have some fun
I got a feeling
I'm not the only one
All I want to do
is have some fun
Until the sun comes up
over Santa Monica Boulevard.
(sniffs)
(screams)
Sheldon. What are you doing?
Get back in your bowl
where you belong.
Well, long as I'm up, I might
as well go spit in Lois's mouth.
Sheldon?
(gasps)
(panting)
Come on, Stewie.
He's just a little turtle.
He can't hurt you.
(screams)
(hissing)
(toilet flushes)
(sighs)
Get out!
(chirping)
(squawking)
(neck snaps)
(dance music playing)
Isn't this epic, Peter?
That DJ has got
some mad skills.
(sighs) You think they
sell Anacin at the bar?
Come on.
Get up and dance
with me, Peter.
This place is sick.
Hells yeah!
It is the only
rooftop pool in Providence.
No offense, but this
place is awesome.
I-I-- Where was
I supposed to be offended
within that remark?
Can we, can we leave, Lois?
Actually, we are leaving.
We're hitting another
insane party across town.
What, you mean now?
Peter, you sound
like an old fart.
I thought you liked
having a hot, young wife.
Well, I did at first,
but the novelty's worn off.
Same thing happened with
that blog I started on 9/11.
Look, Peter,
you do what you want to do,
but I'm going to that party.
My life isn't over.
It's just beginning.
So if you don't want
to run with the wild horses,
then go back to the barn
and go to bed.
But, Lois...
Stupid place still doesn't
have my dry cleaning.
That's not a dry cleaners.
It's a dance club.
It is?
Well, that explains a lot.
(phone ringing)
Oh, this is my jam!
Jeez, Peter, you
look terrible.
I know.
Lois has been wearing me out.
I just can't keep up with her.
I don't know what
she's trying to prove, Brian,
but I can't take it anymore.
Peter, can't you see?
She's doing this
because of you.
For God's sake, you
called her a plow horse.
It's no wonder she's trying to
prove she's young and vibrant.
(over TV):
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
The city of Quahog
has been stricken
with a case of Bieber Fever
tonight,
as teen idol and fake black guy
Justin Bieber
is in town for a sold-out show
at the Quahog Civic Center.
We now go live
to Asian correspondent
Tricia Takanawa with more.
(girls screaming)
Tom, I'm standing here
at the Quahog Civic Center,
awash in a pool
of prepubescent sexual moisture.
Woo-hoo!
We love you, Justin!
Look!
That's Mom!
Oh, my God!
What the hell?
She's at
a Justin Bieber concert?
Ugh, Justin Bieber's
so yesterday.
I'm all about
Quentin Vashay now.
Who's Quentin Vashay?
Exactly.
What's going on?
Do we have to get
a new mom now?
No, Chris.
I'm gonna go get
our old mom back.
If I'm the one
who made her feel this way,
then I'm the one
who's got to fix it.
Brian, keys!
Chris, beer!
Meg, ugly!
Mm-hmm. Yes.
Yes, I see.
Rupert, the man
from the newspaper
would like a quote from you
about my dancing abilities.
Rupert?
Where'd you go?
Magnolia Cupcakes?
(screams)
Rupert! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, no!
If he did this to you,
I swear I'll kill him!
And what's that box from
Bloomingdale's doing here?
I, uh, I-I don't know
who this is.
(crowd cheering)
(women screaming)
Oh, my God, he is so adorable.
I could just bite him
and eat him up.
I know, he's perfect.
He's like a boy
and a girl.
I know!
(women screaming)
Sorry, you're not
allowed in here.
Oh, yeah?
I'm not into that.
Oh.
Well, what
are you into?
Pinkberry.
I love my job.
Yum, yum, yum, yum,
yum, yum, yum, yum.
Hey, there, cutie.
Oh, hey. How's it going?
Um, are you a friend
of my mom's?
(chuckles)
Yeah. I'm your mom's friend,
Mrs. Robinson.
I don't... I don't get that.
Is that a reference
to something?
Uh, okay.
Uh, I'm, uh-- oh,
I'm Stifler's mom.
Still no idea.
Okay, just get
your pants off, hon.
Stop right there!
Get away from her!
Peter?!
Who are you?
Step away from my wife,
you acorn-penised beauty!
Look, I swear.
Nothing happened.
Just relax, old man.
Old man?!
What, you think you're not gonna
get old, you little bastard?!
And, Lois, I've had
enough of you, too!
Now, you come home
and start acting your age!
No, Peter. I don't
want to act my age,
and you don't
want that either.
Otherwise, you wouldn't have
called me an old plow horse.
Look, I didn't mean
to say that.
I-I was a jerk.
But isn't this
what you want?
Don't you want me to
stay young and exciting?
Well, I thought I did.
I mean, every guy
who's been married a while
thinks he wants
a hot, young chick,
but after you spend an hour
with one of them,
you want to blow
your brains out.
But, Peter, I was just
doing this to make you happy.
You do make me happy, Lois.
You're the best thing
that's ever happened to me.
That's sweet.
But you got to admit,
I'm not what I used to be.
Well, neither am I.
(roars)
I used to be
a lion tamer.
Look, Lois,
I'll always treasure
the wild, little hottie
I met when I was young.
But I don't want to be
with a kid anymore.
I want a smart, sexy, beautiful,
middle-aged companion.
I want the real Lois.
My Lois.
Oh, Peter.
Mr. Bieber, they're
calling for an encore!
Oh, my God, those kids
are expecting a show.
I'll handle this.
(crowd cheering)
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Conway Bieber.
People see us everywhere
They think you really care
But myself I can't deceive
I know it's only
make-believe...
(air hissing)
STEWIE: Well, well,
look who has surfaced.
You're getting colder.
(yells)
(hisses)
(hisses)
Hey, get out here
and fight me!
(screams)
(coughs)
Damn it!
Now batting:
Stewie Griffin!
(beeping steadily)
Oh, crap.
Ugh, you look like
a nude Larry David.
No, no, no!
(video game sound effects)
Oh, my God, Super Mario?
What are you doing here?
(Italian accent):
I jump on a turtle, Stewie.
It's not an exciting life,
but it's my life.
It sure is good to
have you back, Mom.
Yeah, we missed you.
Well, thanks for putting up
with me, you guys.
Sorry I got so flipped out
about my age.
Aw, don't worry
about it, Lois.
But from now on,
remember:
I love you just
the way you are.
And besides, there's nothing
wrong with being 35.
Peter, I'm 43.
Get out of this house.