Family Guy (1998–…): Season 11, Episode 14 - Call Girl - full transcript

It seems today
that all you see

Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

I On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man
who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!

Hey, Chris, what
do you got there?

I made a birdhouse
at school today.



Oh, looks an
awful lot like

the Governor's
Mansion from Benson.

It is.
I'm fond of the series,

and l wanted the local birds
to be aware of that.

Well, l'Il be on the lookout
for great tits.

Peter!

Well, actually, Lois,
that's a species of bird

that's known to frequent
domestic birdhouses.

It's why l've always
wanted a birdhouse.

Hey, Lois,
let's go outside

and see if we can
find some great tits.

'Cause there certainly
ain't any in here!

Remember those two
we saw last night?

One was bigger
than the other.



Yeah, and-and the bigger one
had a hair

sticking out
of that pointy thing.

What do you call
that pointy thing, again?

The beak?
Okay.

Come on, Dad!

Maybe we can get the birds
to act out the Benson

where a scheduling snafu
forces the governor to decide

between meeting the president
or going to Katie's school play!

Yay!

Scatterbrained governor.

Welp, there she is.

A birdhouse.

I just hope whoever moves in

doesn't mind the Persian birds
next door.

Eh, tweet, tweet.

Check out my expensive fountain.

Dad, look.

You built
a great birdhouse, son.

I'm real proud of you.

Thanks, Dad.

No!

What just happened?!

What was that thing?!

I don't know. Some
kind of super bird.

Or maybe an average bird
who bought a Bowflex.

Well, that super bird
ruined everything!

Indeed, a force to
be reckoned with,

like Secretary of
Energy Steven Chu.

Secretary Chu,
Ways and Means

has sent over
a preliminary budget.

It looks like
the Department of Energy

is looking at
a four-percent budget cut.

Okay, no budget cut.

No budget cut.

Has anyone seen your father?

It's almost 6:00.

lam here.

Family, l want you to
meet my falcon, Xerxes.

I'm a falconer now.

And yet for Christmas,

I got a wrapped
scrambled egg.

Peter, that falcon
looks pretty dangerous.

Yeah, Peter, get rid
of that thing right now

and eat your dinner.

No!

I am a falconer

and l will eat
whatever Xerxes brings me.

Feed master.

Peter, what the hell?

For Xerxes,
every meal is a pageant.

Hey, Peter.

Oh, falcon. Cool.

Hi, falcon.

Whoa, whoa, easy
there, fella.

Xerxes.
His name is Xerxes.

Uh, what does
Xerxes eat?

Rodents.
Now if you'Il excuse me...

What the hell?!

Peter, make him stop!

Hey, what do you got
going on down there, Quagmire?

You got a, you got
a rodent situation?

Uh, no!

Well, Xerxes seems
to think there is.

Get him off, Peter!

Admit you got
a rodent in there.

Peter!
Admit it!

Aw, you scared him
out the front.

Tony, come back!

Oh, what... what...

What do l do?
What do l do?

Well, just hope he's not
standing on your soft spot.

Well, is that possible?

Because that could
really mess up my...

Mom, l need
money for lunch.

Oh, God.

I'm sorry, Chris.

My purse has been
missing for a day now.

L-I can't find
it anywhere.

Not to worry, Lois.

Xerxes will find it.

Xerxes, find Lois's purse.

This is
your purse now.

Peter, l can't carry
my money in this.

Yeah, her money.

You're gonna love the park,
Xerxes.

I think you know
what l want.

This is awesome.

We should have our own TV show.

So what do you think
about a platonic shower?

Are you Peter Griffin?

Yes, sir, l am.

I represent the man

whose sidecar motorcycle
you stole yesterday.

You've piqued my
interest, go on.

Unfortunately for you,
that man is very, very Jewish

and is suing you
for everything you've got.

Including the falcon.

No! Not Xerxes!

Wait till American Airlines'
magazine hears about this!

Hello, American Airlines'
magazine?

Have l got a scoop for you.

"Falcon stolen."

Ew, there's a toenail in this.

Guess l'Il just go back
to coughing.

Now what are we gonna do?

We have no money.

That's okay, Lois,
we got a wonderful family.

No, we don't.

There's Meg and Dummy
and Big Head.

Damn it, Peter,

I'm probably gonna
have to get a job.

Oh, thank God. Thought l was
gonna have to go back

to being on
Live with Kelly and Peter.

So exhausting having to do
that open-mouth smile

while the guest
does their bit.

We're here with The Good
Wife's Christine Baranski.

So, Christine, you've
actually won an Emmy,

is that right?

Yes, for playing
Maryann on Cybill.

Ah.

But my character
on The Good Wife

is such a complete
departure from Maryann.

Ah!

You've also had
quite a stage career.

I believe you
won a Tony Award?

Well, actually,
I've won two.

Ah!

And one more question,
darling.

Who are you?

Excuse me, would you mind
taking a look at my r?sum??

I haven't had
an interview in a while,

and l want to make sure
it's formatted correctly.

Looks okay.
Good.

It's not too braggy?

Hi, l'm sorry,

I couldn't help
but overhear you.

You have an amazing
speaking voice.

My name's Randy.

I can get you steady work
with a voice like that.

Really?

Wow, thank you.

This is great.

Now l won't have to become
a Mary Kay saleswoman.

So, what makes
these shampoos

different from the ones
at the supermarket?

These shampoos
have been in my car.

Guess what everybody?

Oh, my God!
Tampons and groceries?

No- well, yes-
but also l got discovered today.

I could be one of those
famous voice-over artists

you hear on TV or in the movies.

Ugh, her doing voice-over?

Maybe she could be one
of those annoying voices

that goes, "Ah, ah, ah,
not that product."

Which of these
leading brands of conned soup

hos less than
o hundred grams of sodium?

Ah, oh, uh. Keep going.

Not that one.

Ah, oh, oh.

Not that one either.

Ah, oh, oh.

Nope, not that one.

Look, this isn't even for me.

It's for my homosexual lover.

The Bible's pretty clear
about that.

Hi, l'm Lois Griffin.

I have an appointment
to see Randy.

Lois, l'm so glad
you decided to try this.

I can't believe
I'm a celebrity now.

I might hit
someone with my car

on the way home
just for kicks.

Well, l have a feeling

you're gonna be
a big star here.

What am l wearing?

Nothing at all, sweetheart.

Wait a minute.

This is a phone sex operation.

I can't do this.

It pays two grand
a week, sweetie.

Oh, my God.

With that
type of money,

I could buy pots and
pans at Williams-Sonoma.

This is a
very nice set.

You must be a
phone whore.

You bet your
sweet ass l am.

All right, Lois,
you know the drill.

And whatever you do,

do not mention computers
or the Internet.

They cannot
know about it.

Oh, dear.

Hello?

Uh, h-hi there...

...sexy.

I can tell you're
good at this.

Listen, l want to double-team
you on the phone with my son.

Oh.

Yeah, the family's
kind of falling apart.

And l'm just, uh...

just a dad trying to
keep it all together.

I see.

Are you into guys
in wheelchairs?

Not really.

Oh, that's too bad,

'cause, uh, my son's
in a wheelchair.

Hey, Lois.

So, how was your first day
of voice-over?

Eh, it was nothing.

Turns out,
I'm just doing

very obscure
European commercials.

You know,
I have got to get myself

back out there, too.

I haven't performed
since l was in Stewman Group.

I don't get it.
What is this?

We don't know either.

Hi m name's...
, V

Classy.

What can l do for you,
hot stuff?

Ooh, hi, Classy.

Listen, do you have
a wallet or a purse?

Uh, l have a purse.

Oh.

Oh, baby.

I want you to
take the money out

and count it
really slowly.

Okay.

One.

Ooh, that's nice.

Two.

Oh. Oh, my.

I'm sorry, the next bill
I have in here is a ten.

Oh!

Oh, l love you!

All that and
everything.

Hi, l'm Classy.

All right, let's get
this going, sweet cheeks.

You got a
handkerchief?

Uh, yeah.

Good, ball that up and
stick it in your mouth.

Okay.

Now, what else
you got there?

You got a stapler?

Uh-huh, uh, yeah.

Okay, why don't
you go ahead

and stick that in
your mouth, too.

How about a
mouse pad?

Uh-huh.

Yeah, go ahead
and roll that up

and stuff it
in there.

Did you get a
packet from HR

when you started
working there?

Okay, l'Il take
that as a yes.

And l'm pretty certain you know
what l want you to do with it.

Okay, you think you can fit
anything else in your mouth?

Mm-mm. All right,
so now let's start

filling up some
other places.

Peter, l've had
a long day at work,

and right now, sex is the last
thing l want to think about.

You never want
to do it no more.

What if l told you l'm
holding in a very big dump?

Peter, can't you just
use Sock Lois tonight?

No! Sock Lois doesn't feel
authentic to me anymore.

Hey, Joe, how often
do you have sex with Bonnie?

Well, my HMO only
pays for the equipment

once a year. Why?

Lois barely wants
to do it no more.

I'm going crazy here.

Ugh. l hear you.

Hey, Quagmire, do
yourself a favor:

don't get married.

I wasn't gonna.

Good. Don't.

I wasn't.

Perfect. Don't.

Joe, you telling me not to
has no effect on me whatsoever.

I'm not gonna get married.

Great. Don't.

I mean it, you guys,
this no-sex thing doesn't work.

I need some kind
of outlet.

You know, Peter,
I got just the thing for you.

There's this new phone sex
chick l been calling,

and she is amazing.

Gee, l don't know.
Isn't that cheating on Lois?

No, look, it's
over the phone.

It's like they say:
"Phonin' ain't bonin'."

Yeah. Well, l guess
I could try it.

Trust me, Peter.

Hey, l was right
about telling you

to go see the gynecologist,
wasn't l?

I'd like to see some
vaginas, please.

That's what we're here for.
Come on in.

Hello there, handsome.

I'm Classy.

Um, hi, Classy,
I'm, uh, Peter.

Peter...

Night Shyamalan.

They call me that
'cause l got a big twist

at the end
of my thing.

Oh, my God.

Um... well,
hello, Peter.

What can l do for you?

Um, you want to see some
pictures that l drew?

Um, sure.

This is me
on a elephant.

Wow.
That's beautiful.

Did you draw that
all by yourself?

Uh-huh.

And this is me
on the moon.

I didn't really
go there.

It was just in
my imagination,

so l drawed it.

Wow, you're
really talented.

You know, there's something
about you, Classy.

Something special.

Aw, that's very sweet.

I like your voice.

It makes me want to
hear more of your voice.

Hey, you want to
see a funny comic?

Sure.

He's scared 'cause his friends
got killed in the pie.

So, Peter,
how was your day?

Eh, it was okay.

Except for that
Yokohama beef bowl

I tried for lunch.

Not sitting so well.

Just "okay"?

Didn't try
anything new today?

Talk to anyone
interesting?

No, not really.

Oh, that beef bowl
is wrecking me.

My stomach feels
like that time

I had explosive
diarrhea.

PETER".
Brown house.

Hello?

Um, hi, Classy.

It's Peter.

Oh, hi there.

I love
when you talk.

Listen, um, l've had
such a good time

talking to you
these past few times

that l was thinking
maybe we could meet.

But you're married!

You've got a wife!

Yeah, but she's been giving
me the cold shoulder lately.

Besides, anything
that comes out,

I can always
take home to her.

I don't think
this is a good idea.

I mean, cheating on your wife
is a very serious thing.

You don't understand,
I have to meet you.

L-I know it
seems sudden,

but l feel a special
connection with you.

Look, you name the
place and the time,

and l'Il be there.

You son of a bitch!

Okay.

I'll meet you.

Yay, l did it!

Thanks, Fairy God Peter!

Peter, the power was
within you all along.

Now if you'Il excuse me, l'm
meeting Fairy God Quagmire

and Fairy God Joe down
at the Fairy God Clam.

That sounds like a gay bar.
It is a gay bar.

That's right, fellas,
I'm gonna meet her.

Meet who?

Yeah, what are you
talking about?

Oh, l-l thought we were starting
in the middle to save time.

The-the phone sex lady,

I'm gonna meet the phone sex
lady in person.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
wait a minute, Peter.

I wouldn't do that.

Hang on, Quagmire,
that's a bad idea.

You never want to meet

those phone sex
women in person.

Yeah, l know,
that's what l said.

I wouldn't do it.

Good. Don't.

Joe, Joe, you realize
what you're telling me

not to do,
I'm already not doing!

Okay, l know
you should never meet

a phone sex operator.

All right?
I'm not an idiot.

I would never meet one
of those people, ever.

Good. Don't.

Guys, l have to see
if she's as special in person

as she is on the phone.

Besides, if l listened
to you guys,

I never would've got that job
as a seat filler for fetuses.

Okay, let's take a look
at your baby, shall we?

Hi.

He'Il be right back;
he's in the bathroom.

Thanks for
having me, Bonnie.

I just needed
someone to talk to.

Sure, Lois.

What's on your mind?

Well, it's kind
of a long story.

You see...

Eight hours later...

Oh, my God!

So, as far as
Peter knows,

he's about to
cheat on you?

Lois, you got to
draw the line here.

I know.

There's a lot of crazy things
I'Il let Peter get away with.

I even held my tongue

when he went through
that anime phase.

Hey, Lois, me make drive
time to super fun Clam

with noble Quagmire
and wheel-monster Joe.

Go, force!

Peter, what...

Why are you
dressed like that?

What did you do
to your hair?

Business trip, Lois.
Going to Chicago City.

Oh... okay.

I see.

And in case you're
wondering why

I don't have business
charts, yes, l do.

All right, l got to say
good-bye to the kids.

Hey, champ.

I want you to have
this pocket watch.

It still works,
even though it's got

a lot of Civil War
brains all over it.

Meg, l want you to have
this sad-sounding fart.

Chris, people are
gonna tell you

that you're stupid and
that you're no good.

Bye, Otis!

That son of a bitch.

Hello.

You're...

you're beautiful.

So you got to meet me.

Are we gonna do
this or what?

Listen, I... l got to
be honest with you.

I am not, in fact,

the President
of Hot Wheels.

And l also lied about
the giant chef's hat.

I do not have one.

Mm-hmm.

Well, the small
lies don't matter.

Let's go.

Why am l doing this?

You know, l got the greatest
wife in the world.

And we have
one beautiful child.

But did you ever feel like
something was missing?

You know,
something you had once,

but now it's gone?

You mean like the loyalty
of someone you trusted?

Yes, l know exactly
what that feels like.

Yeah, l mean, l was
just goofing around

when l first called you,
but when l heard your voice,

I-I felt like l found
some part of me that was lost.

Doesn't make any sense,
but it...

it felt like some force in
the universe wanted us together.

That's... kind of nice.

I guess l could understand that.

Now that you're here
in front of me,

I think you're the most
beautiful woman l've ever seen.

Eight hours later...

Ah, l got to say,
I was fantastic.

You think so, you
dirty, rotten cheater?!

Lois!

You-you-you-you
is the phone lady,

you the phone,
you the phone,

you is the phone lady,
you is the phone lady,

you is the phone lady...

You cheated on me!
Lois!

Why the hell were
you doing phone sex?!

I was providing
for our family.

You were lying.

I'm starting to think
that whole Chicago City

business trip was just
a bunch of baloney!

That's not the point!

Well, if you think
about it,

I-I wasn't really cheating
'cause it was with you.

Well, you didn't
know that!

Yeah, but you know what?

In some way, l think l did.

You know, when l heard
your voice on that phone,

I-I felt something.

It was like an instinct,
you know?

Both my heart and my wiener

somehow knew
you were my soul mate.

Well...

I suppose you did
fall for me pretty hard.

Don't you see, Lois?

I fell in love with you
all over again.

And, look, now we just had the
best sex in years because of it.

I know. It's like our privates
were shaking hands

after a successful business
meeting in a swamp.

To me it... it just proves

that we're truly meant
to be together.

Oh, l love you, Peter.

I love you, too, Lois.

By the way, you may have to
become a full-on prostitute,

'cause our phone bill
was $7,000.

Oh, Peter.

I want you to do me so hard
that we have to change churches.

Gross!

I want to wreck you so bad,

you'Il look like
an exploded Hot Pocket.

Oh, my God!

Can l interest you guys
in a two-and-a-quarter way?