Family Guy (1998–…): Season 11, Episode 13 - Chris Cross - full transcript
Chris is fed up with Meg blackmailing him, so he moves in with Mr. Herbert; Stewie and Brian become huge fans of Anne Murray.
(SINGING) It seems today that all you see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He's a family guy
All right, class, today
we're going to be talking about variables.
(CLASS GIGGLING)
Okay, it's just a rear end.
We all have one.
Mine just happens to be
a hot Brazilian woman's.
No, we're not laughing at you.
We're laughing at Griffin's shoes.
Why, what's wrong with them?
I don't even know what those are.
What's Teslik?
I'm not sure, but my mom says
they're very popular with Latvian athletes.
Running, throwing, lifting big things.
Teslik.
That's all right with me, man.
ANNOUNCER:
Each shoe sold separate.
Are they really that bad?
(LAUGHS) Are you kidding? They're terrible.
Yeah. Even Rat Boy has better shoes.
Hey, guys, I don't know about you,
but I'm here to learn.
Man, high school is rough.
This year it's sneakers.
Last year it was all about being overweight
and wearing a baseball cap.
Hey, guys, sure hope we win
the big game on Saturday.
- Get lost, dork.
- Yeah, gain some weight, will ya?
(ALL LAUGHING)
Oh! Of all the years to be
trim and well-hatted.
That was a fun birthday party, huh, Stewie?
That kid was Indian and 11 years old.
Where are you finding my friends?
Aw! Someone's a little cranky.
Here, let me put on the radio.
(RAPPING) Talkin' 'bout the club
Lookin' round the club
Pimpin' at the club
Emphasizing "club "
Yuck, this is awful.
(SINGING) Or am I really
lying here with you?
My God, who is this enchantress?
Baby, you take me in your arms
Aw! isn't that cute?
My little Stewie likes Anne Murray.
She sounds like an angel.
It's like her voice is putting
my entire body in her mouth.
And oh, I
Just fall in love again
Just one touch
and then it happens every time
And there I go
I just fall in love again
And when I do
I can't help myself
I fall in love with you
You like that, Stewie?
You like Anne Murray's music?
I must.
This is the first time you've opened your
mouth and I haven't wanted to shit in it.
ANNOUNCER ON TV: This portion
of the Channel Five News
at 6:00 is brought to you by Condoms.
Put us an backwards a little bit,
then put us an the right way.
Mom, Dad, I need to get new sneakers.
What? I just bought you new sneakers.
I know, but I need cooler ones.
Shut up and stop complaining.
When I was your age,
I didn't even have sneakers.
We wore stale hamburger buns.
No, you didn't, Peter.
Shh! He doesn't know that.
He's just a dumb, fat loser.
Did you see his shoes?
Look, Chris, I'm sorry,
but money's tight right now.
Yeah, I even had to take a second job
as a door-to-door vacuum salesman.
This thing can pick up anything.
Here's a little demonstration.
I'll pour some wine, rub in some feces,
and to top it off,
some mustard mixed with feces.
Tough stain, right?
Oh, crap, I forgot the vacuum.
(ANNE MURRAY SINGING
OVER STEREO)
All right, Rupert,
you ready to get lost in some Anne?
(SINGING) Gentle breezes where
the peaceful waters flaw
Spread your tiny wings and fly away
And take the snow back with you
where it came from on that day
The one I love forever is untrue
And if I could, you know
that I would fly away with you
Yeah, if I could, you know that I would fly
Away with you
What a woman.
To think Canada's got her,
and we have Kelly Clarkson
going to town at a Waffle House.
That's it, I'm getting those sneakers.
After all, shoes make the man.
Gentlemen, take your marks.
(GUNSHOT)
I'm a different kind of winner.
Come on, Dad, there's no cash in here.
Just a bunch of cards that say, "I farted
on your car," with his insurance info.
Oh! (GROANS)
Busted.
Geez, it's so weird that Mom and Dad
would leave the house
without their purse and wallet.
I wonder where they are.
- Can I get you anything else?
- Two more Cokes, please.
Could you excuse me?
-(PHONE RINGING)
-(TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY)
Hello.
Damone, it's Peter.
I'm at my date
and I left my wallet at home.
Will you please borrow your mom's car,
drive to my house, get my wallet,
and bring it back here?
Damone, are you there? Damone?
(GROANS) I'm really kind of busy.
Come on, just do me this one favor.
All right, but you owe me for this one.
Oh, thanks, Damone.
And that was the last we ever saw of him.
Well, well, well.
Who do we have here?
It's me, Chris. You know me.
And why are you talking like a bad guy?
Listen, I saw you
steal money from Mom's purse.
Oh...
Well, I was just trying to get new sneakers.
You're not going to tell on me, are you?
Well, that depends.
On what?
How about I won't tell
Mom and Dad about the money
if you promise to do whatever I say?
Meg, this is how a lot of porn starts.
I mean it, Chris. I'll tell them.
Mom, Chris took money out of the...
Okay, okay, okay.
I'll do whatever you want.
I thought you'd see it that way.
Here's a list of stuff
I need you to do for me.
Shouldn't have taken that money, Chris.
She's right. I'm a horrible person.
I'm only one step above those people
who really like dive bars
and really need you to know it.
I love this place. I love dive bars.
Dive bars are my favorite.
They're so much better than regular bars
because worse is better.
I know, right? They're my favorite, too.
I'm quirky like that.
I've got quirky taste. I'm a quirky girl.
It seems like
we would be perfect for each other.
But really, we're terrible for everyone.
(SINGING) And oh, I...
What the hell?
Are you listening to Anne Murray?
Uh, I am experiencing Anne Murray.
Why? That music is complete crap.
Um... Excuse me?
It's all just vapid, overproduced tripe.
It has no edge whatsoever.
Yeah, neither does a soft summer breeze,
or a letter from an old friend.
- I'm pretty sure envelopes have edges.
- Fine, an e-mail, dick.
Whatever. You know what? I don't care.
I think Anne Murray sucks,
and that's my opinion.
Oh, yeah? Well, I'm going to
make a believer out of you, Brian.
I am going to show you
the true meaning of Anne Murray.
Don't waste your time.
I'm not going to change my mind.
I don't know, Bri.
I can make things happen when I want to.
Just ask my twin brother.
And here's baby boy number one.
I understand you've decided
to name him Stewie.
One more to go.
And here he... Oh.
Oh, dear.
Oh, no, did Dave not make it?
Okay, Meg, I've cleaned your room
and I did your homework.
Can I be done now?
Oh, no, there's a lot more things
I need you to do for me.
There are? Like what?
Well, now you have to watch
An Officer and a Gentleman with me.
And that's it?
(CHUCKLES) No.
At the end, when Richard Gere
carries Debra Winger out of the paper mill,
you have to read what's on this index card.
-(ROMANTIC SONG PLAYING ON TV)
-(SOBBING)
"That's going to be you some day, Meg."
I know it will!
I just know it will!
Okay, Chris, I want to wear contacts,
but I'm too squeamish to put them in
myself, so you need to help me.
Really? Is it that hard?
My eyes are too sensitive.
It's like they overreact or something.
Okay.
- Ah! What happened to your eye?
- Don't worry about it! Just put the lens in!
But where do I put it? The pupil's gone.
Your eye just looks like a ping-pong ball.
I think it rolled up into my head.
Look, just do the other one.
Ah! You look like one
of those blind jazz guys.
Where are you? I can't see anything!
(SCREAMING)
I don't like this.
Just wear your stupid glasses.
- Chris, I'm blind.
- I'm sorry, Meg.
(BAWLING)
What the hell is all this?
This is history, Brian.
A key moment in the history of happiness.
- Have a seat.
-(SIGHS)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGING) l cried a tear
You wiped it dry
I was confused
You cleared my mind
I sold my soul
You bought it back for me
And held me up
And gave me dignity
Somehow you needed me
You gave me strength
To stand alone again
To face the world
Out on my own again
You put me high
Upon a pedestal
So high that I could almost see eternity
You needed me
You needed me
(SNIFFLES)
- Some hardcore shit, right?
- Wow.
Thank you for turning me on
to something so amazing.
Hey, I'm just glad you enjoyed it.
And I'm sure Buzz Lightyear would have
enjoyed it if he had bothered to show up.
Hey, how would you like to
go to my apartment and beyond?
Okay, Meg, I stood outside
Planned Parenthood for 36 hours
and here are the pictures
of every girl in your class who went in.
All right, good.
Now I want you to call them
as if you're their dead baby.
No way,
that was the last thing on your list.
I can't do this anymore.
Well, you should've thought of that before
you stole money out of Mom's purse.
I own you.
Now, here's my post office key.
I need you to go downtown
and get the stuff from my PO box.
You don't get your mail here?
No, I get a lot of private correspondence
from the Netherlands.
Like what?
Like, I'm part of a group that kind of
fucks up Anne Frank's house every year.
You know what? No. That's it.
I'm not doing anymore of your crap, Meg.
Chris, don't you see? You have no choice.
I'll just go tell Mom
and Dad about the money
and they'll ground your ass for a year.
I don't care, tell them.
'Cause I'm not even going to be here.
I'm going to run away
and no one will ever see me again.
Good, go.
And who's even going to miss you?
You're just a little thief.
Where you going, Chris?
Who are you going to turn to?
You don't even have any friends.
(RINGS DOORBELL)
Hi. I ran away from home.
Do you mind if I live with you?
Live with me?
My goodness, I feel like I want to
pinch myself to see if I'm dreaming.
Hot dog, it's real.
Mr. Herbert, it's 6:00.
I'm not really tired yet.
Well, you had those three cups of NyQuil.
You'll be down soon enough.
Okay, good night, Mr. Herbert.
Sweet dreams, Chris.
Mr. Herbert, what's life really all about?
Well, I suppose
it's about trying new things,
sampling the sweet and the savory,
not being afraid to take everything
life wants to throw up on into ya.
Wow. I never looked at it like that before.
Thanks, Mr. Herbert.
But don't you think
it's scary to try new things?
No, Chris. Life is like
a new baseball glove.
At first, you think
you're never going to get a ball in there.
But then you oil it up,
work your fingers around in there a little,
and pretty soon,
you're pitching and catching.
I guess that makes sense.
(CHRIS FARTING)
CHRIS: Sorry.
You really know how to waste a Cialis,
don't you?
(SINGING) The snowbird
sings the song he always sings
You know,
this is definitely a mystery song for me.
It's so upbeat, but the lyrics are so dark.
I'm sorry,
are we both listening to Snowbird,
as recorded by Miss Anne Murray?
Yeah, the woman in the song
is trying to cope with getting older
and she feels trapped because
she knows she can't do anything about it.
No, no, no, no.
I mean, you're right that she's feeling
trapped, but the message is positive.
It's about being trapped
in a bad relationship
and having the guts to get out of it.
No, no. See, what I hear
is that the woman is starting to hate life.
You know the line,
"Now I feel such emptiness within"?
Yeah, I know the song.
Well, Anne Murray feels old.
And then to make things worse,
the snowbird comes around every year,
bringing the snow, or "death,"
to remind her that no matter what
she does, her fate's already written.
Brian, the snowbird
has nothing to do with time or fate.
Well, I disagree.
Look, there's only one way to settle this.
Only the artist knows
the true meaning of their art.
Now, Miss O'Keefe, the flowers
in your paintings, what do they represent?
Oh! Wow, that's a really good question.
(MUTTERING)
Hmm...
(MUTTERING)
(BLOWING RASPBERRY)
Oh, hi, Meg. Could you tell
Chris breakfast is ready?
Oh, um...
I think he got up early.
He, um, said something about
a fat kid rally at Little Caesars.
Huh! it's not like Chris to miss breakfast.
Oh, don't worry, Mom.
I'm sure he'll be home later.
Well, I hope so.
We were supposed to go to the library
to wipe boogers in fancy books.
I like to wipe mine in Bronté novels.
It's like a time bomb
to gross out lonely chicks.
Oh, Heathcliff.
Oh, come on! I want so little.
Chris, what did you do
with my video tapes?
I had a whole system.
I was trying to find a good movie to watch.
I've never even heard of most of these.
"Jeffrey at the Park.
"Mikey's Scoliosis Exam.
"Nephew Somersault Compilation."
Well, even if you never heard of them,
I assume you heard of the alphabet.
You want to explain to me
How Sammy Popsicle
comes before Napping, Various?
Geez, I'm sorry.
Well, can we watch Lost Boys?
I've heard of that one.
Those are different lost boys.
(WHISTLING)
- Are you whistling Snowbird?
- Yeah.
That's awesome.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Why do you get to ring it?
Because I was into her first.
- Let's flip for it, or...
-(RINGS DOORBELL)
I can't believe you did that.
I cannot believe you just did that.
-(RINGS DOORBELL)
- Will you stop it?
She's going to think we're weird.
Hi. Can I help you?
Hi. Miss Murray. My name's Brian Griffin.
First of all, I just want to tell you
what a huge fan I am.
That's very sweet of you.
And I'm Stewie.
I'm the one who sent you the vibrators.
Well, I'm glad you enjoy my music.
Would you like to come in?
We'd love to.
Wow, nothing says success
like free on a Tuesday at 3:00 p.m.
I'll get there.
So, Miss Murray, the reason we came
is that we have a question about Snowbird.
It's about a relationship, right?
No, no, it's obviously
about the fear of growing old.
You know,
I think you're both kind of right.
I guess I always thought it was
about human limitation,
both mental and physical.
Okay, that... That just blew my face off.
Well, I hope that helps.
It does. Thank you so much, Miss Murray.
This has been terrific.
Hey, before we go,
do you mind if I use your restroom?
- It was a long drive up here.
- No, go right ahead.
We should do something
without him sometime.
Do you like tapas?
Someone invited me out for that once.
I thought they said topless,
so I was like, "What?"
That's a good story.
Hey, you know, that was really cool
how you told us what Snowbird was about.
Well, you know, that's just the way
I always interpreted the song.
But I suppose Gene probably
could have explained it better than I.
Who's Gene?
Gene MacLellan. He wrote the song.
I see.
But you wrote all your other songs, right?
No, all of my songs
were written by other people.
As a singer, I've been blessed
to interpret the works of
many gifted, sensitive songwriters.
Oh.
So, you're just a big fucking liar?
Sit back down.
All right, come on, Stewie,
let's go home...
Stewie, what the hell are you doing?
She's a fraud, Brian. A fraud!
She didn't write any of her songs.
Well, so, that's the case
with a lot of singers.
It's a very common industry practice.
Well, then you're all a bunch of frauds,
aren't you?
A bunch of frauds and charlatans.
You want to be a puppet?
Then sing for your life, puppet. Come on.
(SINGING) Spread your tiny wings
and fly away!
(MUFFLED SINGING)
Come on, Anne, sing along.
You know it. You didn't write it,
but you know it, bitch.
(SINGING) The one I love forever is untrue
And if I could you know that
I would fly away with you
Hey, Meg,
you here for the expired hot dogs?
No, Carl, I'm looking for Chris.
I've looked everywhere
and I can't find him.
- I haven't seen him but I'll keep an eye out.
-(KNOCKING)
Hey, bozos, what do you think of this?
(CHUCKLES) I did it! I did it!
- You're crazy man. You're so crazy.
-(TIRES SCREECHING)
(PLAYING VIDEO GAME)
I thought I told you to clean up in here?
And why aren't you dressed?
We're supposed to have dinner
with Judge Maynard and Timmy.
Yeah, okay, as soon as I finish this level.
No, get your coat on.
It's a three-hour drive to that cabin.
Can't you just cook something here?
Excuse me?
l am not going to cook you dinner
while you sit here in your own mess
playing your TV games.
Oh-ho! And the martyr returns.
Chris, I think it's time for you to go.
Okay, I'll go.
But I want you to know,
I faked all my light-headedness.
Mmm, good Kool-Aid.
Whoa! Whoa!
Sound familiar?
Oh, my God, Chris. Oh, there you are.
I've been looking all over for you.
Why? You want to humiliate me
with more slave work?
No, I wanted to apologize.
I should've never blackmailed you.
I'm really sorry.
And I want you to come home.
I thought you said no one would miss me?
I said a lot of stupid things
I didn't mean, Chris.
But I miss you.
Thanks, Meg. I miss you, too.
You know, living in that family,
we both have pretty crappy lives.
And if we're going to survive it,
we can't turn on each other.
We're all we have.
I know.
I'll never do anything like that again.
Do you think you can ever forgive me?
Yeah, I forgive you.
(STARTING CAR ENGINE)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(SOBBING) We broke up.
(SINGING) Spread your tiny wings
and fiy away
And take the snow back with you
where it came from on that day
The one I love forever is untrue
And if I could, you know
that I would fly away with you
Yeah, if I could, you know that I would fly
Away with you
Is violence in movies and sex on TV
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He's a family guy
All right, class, today
we're going to be talking about variables.
(CLASS GIGGLING)
Okay, it's just a rear end.
We all have one.
Mine just happens to be
a hot Brazilian woman's.
No, we're not laughing at you.
We're laughing at Griffin's shoes.
Why, what's wrong with them?
I don't even know what those are.
What's Teslik?
I'm not sure, but my mom says
they're very popular with Latvian athletes.
Running, throwing, lifting big things.
Teslik.
That's all right with me, man.
ANNOUNCER:
Each shoe sold separate.
Are they really that bad?
(LAUGHS) Are you kidding? They're terrible.
Yeah. Even Rat Boy has better shoes.
Hey, guys, I don't know about you,
but I'm here to learn.
Man, high school is rough.
This year it's sneakers.
Last year it was all about being overweight
and wearing a baseball cap.
Hey, guys, sure hope we win
the big game on Saturday.
- Get lost, dork.
- Yeah, gain some weight, will ya?
(ALL LAUGHING)
Oh! Of all the years to be
trim and well-hatted.
That was a fun birthday party, huh, Stewie?
That kid was Indian and 11 years old.
Where are you finding my friends?
Aw! Someone's a little cranky.
Here, let me put on the radio.
(RAPPING) Talkin' 'bout the club
Lookin' round the club
Pimpin' at the club
Emphasizing "club "
Yuck, this is awful.
(SINGING) Or am I really
lying here with you?
My God, who is this enchantress?
Baby, you take me in your arms
Aw! isn't that cute?
My little Stewie likes Anne Murray.
She sounds like an angel.
It's like her voice is putting
my entire body in her mouth.
And oh, I
Just fall in love again
Just one touch
and then it happens every time
And there I go
I just fall in love again
And when I do
I can't help myself
I fall in love with you
You like that, Stewie?
You like Anne Murray's music?
I must.
This is the first time you've opened your
mouth and I haven't wanted to shit in it.
ANNOUNCER ON TV: This portion
of the Channel Five News
at 6:00 is brought to you by Condoms.
Put us an backwards a little bit,
then put us an the right way.
Mom, Dad, I need to get new sneakers.
What? I just bought you new sneakers.
I know, but I need cooler ones.
Shut up and stop complaining.
When I was your age,
I didn't even have sneakers.
We wore stale hamburger buns.
No, you didn't, Peter.
Shh! He doesn't know that.
He's just a dumb, fat loser.
Did you see his shoes?
Look, Chris, I'm sorry,
but money's tight right now.
Yeah, I even had to take a second job
as a door-to-door vacuum salesman.
This thing can pick up anything.
Here's a little demonstration.
I'll pour some wine, rub in some feces,
and to top it off,
some mustard mixed with feces.
Tough stain, right?
Oh, crap, I forgot the vacuum.
(ANNE MURRAY SINGING
OVER STEREO)
All right, Rupert,
you ready to get lost in some Anne?
(SINGING) Gentle breezes where
the peaceful waters flaw
Spread your tiny wings and fly away
And take the snow back with you
where it came from on that day
The one I love forever is untrue
And if I could, you know
that I would fly away with you
Yeah, if I could, you know that I would fly
Away with you
What a woman.
To think Canada's got her,
and we have Kelly Clarkson
going to town at a Waffle House.
That's it, I'm getting those sneakers.
After all, shoes make the man.
Gentlemen, take your marks.
(GUNSHOT)
I'm a different kind of winner.
Come on, Dad, there's no cash in here.
Just a bunch of cards that say, "I farted
on your car," with his insurance info.
Oh! (GROANS)
Busted.
Geez, it's so weird that Mom and Dad
would leave the house
without their purse and wallet.
I wonder where they are.
- Can I get you anything else?
- Two more Cokes, please.
Could you excuse me?
-(PHONE RINGING)
-(TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY)
Hello.
Damone, it's Peter.
I'm at my date
and I left my wallet at home.
Will you please borrow your mom's car,
drive to my house, get my wallet,
and bring it back here?
Damone, are you there? Damone?
(GROANS) I'm really kind of busy.
Come on, just do me this one favor.
All right, but you owe me for this one.
Oh, thanks, Damone.
And that was the last we ever saw of him.
Well, well, well.
Who do we have here?
It's me, Chris. You know me.
And why are you talking like a bad guy?
Listen, I saw you
steal money from Mom's purse.
Oh...
Well, I was just trying to get new sneakers.
You're not going to tell on me, are you?
Well, that depends.
On what?
How about I won't tell
Mom and Dad about the money
if you promise to do whatever I say?
Meg, this is how a lot of porn starts.
I mean it, Chris. I'll tell them.
Mom, Chris took money out of the...
Okay, okay, okay.
I'll do whatever you want.
I thought you'd see it that way.
Here's a list of stuff
I need you to do for me.
Shouldn't have taken that money, Chris.
She's right. I'm a horrible person.
I'm only one step above those people
who really like dive bars
and really need you to know it.
I love this place. I love dive bars.
Dive bars are my favorite.
They're so much better than regular bars
because worse is better.
I know, right? They're my favorite, too.
I'm quirky like that.
I've got quirky taste. I'm a quirky girl.
It seems like
we would be perfect for each other.
But really, we're terrible for everyone.
(SINGING) And oh, I...
What the hell?
Are you listening to Anne Murray?
Uh, I am experiencing Anne Murray.
Why? That music is complete crap.
Um... Excuse me?
It's all just vapid, overproduced tripe.
It has no edge whatsoever.
Yeah, neither does a soft summer breeze,
or a letter from an old friend.
- I'm pretty sure envelopes have edges.
- Fine, an e-mail, dick.
Whatever. You know what? I don't care.
I think Anne Murray sucks,
and that's my opinion.
Oh, yeah? Well, I'm going to
make a believer out of you, Brian.
I am going to show you
the true meaning of Anne Murray.
Don't waste your time.
I'm not going to change my mind.
I don't know, Bri.
I can make things happen when I want to.
Just ask my twin brother.
And here's baby boy number one.
I understand you've decided
to name him Stewie.
One more to go.
And here he... Oh.
Oh, dear.
Oh, no, did Dave not make it?
Okay, Meg, I've cleaned your room
and I did your homework.
Can I be done now?
Oh, no, there's a lot more things
I need you to do for me.
There are? Like what?
Well, now you have to watch
An Officer and a Gentleman with me.
And that's it?
(CHUCKLES) No.
At the end, when Richard Gere
carries Debra Winger out of the paper mill,
you have to read what's on this index card.
-(ROMANTIC SONG PLAYING ON TV)
-(SOBBING)
"That's going to be you some day, Meg."
I know it will!
I just know it will!
Okay, Chris, I want to wear contacts,
but I'm too squeamish to put them in
myself, so you need to help me.
Really? Is it that hard?
My eyes are too sensitive.
It's like they overreact or something.
Okay.
- Ah! What happened to your eye?
- Don't worry about it! Just put the lens in!
But where do I put it? The pupil's gone.
Your eye just looks like a ping-pong ball.
I think it rolled up into my head.
Look, just do the other one.
Ah! You look like one
of those blind jazz guys.
Where are you? I can't see anything!
(SCREAMING)
I don't like this.
Just wear your stupid glasses.
- Chris, I'm blind.
- I'm sorry, Meg.
(BAWLING)
What the hell is all this?
This is history, Brian.
A key moment in the history of happiness.
- Have a seat.
-(SIGHS)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGING) l cried a tear
You wiped it dry
I was confused
You cleared my mind
I sold my soul
You bought it back for me
And held me up
And gave me dignity
Somehow you needed me
You gave me strength
To stand alone again
To face the world
Out on my own again
You put me high
Upon a pedestal
So high that I could almost see eternity
You needed me
You needed me
(SNIFFLES)
- Some hardcore shit, right?
- Wow.
Thank you for turning me on
to something so amazing.
Hey, I'm just glad you enjoyed it.
And I'm sure Buzz Lightyear would have
enjoyed it if he had bothered to show up.
Hey, how would you like to
go to my apartment and beyond?
Okay, Meg, I stood outside
Planned Parenthood for 36 hours
and here are the pictures
of every girl in your class who went in.
All right, good.
Now I want you to call them
as if you're their dead baby.
No way,
that was the last thing on your list.
I can't do this anymore.
Well, you should've thought of that before
you stole money out of Mom's purse.
I own you.
Now, here's my post office key.
I need you to go downtown
and get the stuff from my PO box.
You don't get your mail here?
No, I get a lot of private correspondence
from the Netherlands.
Like what?
Like, I'm part of a group that kind of
fucks up Anne Frank's house every year.
You know what? No. That's it.
I'm not doing anymore of your crap, Meg.
Chris, don't you see? You have no choice.
I'll just go tell Mom
and Dad about the money
and they'll ground your ass for a year.
I don't care, tell them.
'Cause I'm not even going to be here.
I'm going to run away
and no one will ever see me again.
Good, go.
And who's even going to miss you?
You're just a little thief.
Where you going, Chris?
Who are you going to turn to?
You don't even have any friends.
(RINGS DOORBELL)
Hi. I ran away from home.
Do you mind if I live with you?
Live with me?
My goodness, I feel like I want to
pinch myself to see if I'm dreaming.
Hot dog, it's real.
Mr. Herbert, it's 6:00.
I'm not really tired yet.
Well, you had those three cups of NyQuil.
You'll be down soon enough.
Okay, good night, Mr. Herbert.
Sweet dreams, Chris.
Mr. Herbert, what's life really all about?
Well, I suppose
it's about trying new things,
sampling the sweet and the savory,
not being afraid to take everything
life wants to throw up on into ya.
Wow. I never looked at it like that before.
Thanks, Mr. Herbert.
But don't you think
it's scary to try new things?
No, Chris. Life is like
a new baseball glove.
At first, you think
you're never going to get a ball in there.
But then you oil it up,
work your fingers around in there a little,
and pretty soon,
you're pitching and catching.
I guess that makes sense.
(CHRIS FARTING)
CHRIS: Sorry.
You really know how to waste a Cialis,
don't you?
(SINGING) The snowbird
sings the song he always sings
You know,
this is definitely a mystery song for me.
It's so upbeat, but the lyrics are so dark.
I'm sorry,
are we both listening to Snowbird,
as recorded by Miss Anne Murray?
Yeah, the woman in the song
is trying to cope with getting older
and she feels trapped because
she knows she can't do anything about it.
No, no, no, no.
I mean, you're right that she's feeling
trapped, but the message is positive.
It's about being trapped
in a bad relationship
and having the guts to get out of it.
No, no. See, what I hear
is that the woman is starting to hate life.
You know the line,
"Now I feel such emptiness within"?
Yeah, I know the song.
Well, Anne Murray feels old.
And then to make things worse,
the snowbird comes around every year,
bringing the snow, or "death,"
to remind her that no matter what
she does, her fate's already written.
Brian, the snowbird
has nothing to do with time or fate.
Well, I disagree.
Look, there's only one way to settle this.
Only the artist knows
the true meaning of their art.
Now, Miss O'Keefe, the flowers
in your paintings, what do they represent?
Oh! Wow, that's a really good question.
(MUTTERING)
Hmm...
(MUTTERING)
(BLOWING RASPBERRY)
Oh, hi, Meg. Could you tell
Chris breakfast is ready?
Oh, um...
I think he got up early.
He, um, said something about
a fat kid rally at Little Caesars.
Huh! it's not like Chris to miss breakfast.
Oh, don't worry, Mom.
I'm sure he'll be home later.
Well, I hope so.
We were supposed to go to the library
to wipe boogers in fancy books.
I like to wipe mine in Bronté novels.
It's like a time bomb
to gross out lonely chicks.
Oh, Heathcliff.
Oh, come on! I want so little.
Chris, what did you do
with my video tapes?
I had a whole system.
I was trying to find a good movie to watch.
I've never even heard of most of these.
"Jeffrey at the Park.
"Mikey's Scoliosis Exam.
"Nephew Somersault Compilation."
Well, even if you never heard of them,
I assume you heard of the alphabet.
You want to explain to me
How Sammy Popsicle
comes before Napping, Various?
Geez, I'm sorry.
Well, can we watch Lost Boys?
I've heard of that one.
Those are different lost boys.
(WHISTLING)
- Are you whistling Snowbird?
- Yeah.
That's awesome.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Why do you get to ring it?
Because I was into her first.
- Let's flip for it, or...
-(RINGS DOORBELL)
I can't believe you did that.
I cannot believe you just did that.
-(RINGS DOORBELL)
- Will you stop it?
She's going to think we're weird.
Hi. Can I help you?
Hi. Miss Murray. My name's Brian Griffin.
First of all, I just want to tell you
what a huge fan I am.
That's very sweet of you.
And I'm Stewie.
I'm the one who sent you the vibrators.
Well, I'm glad you enjoy my music.
Would you like to come in?
We'd love to.
Wow, nothing says success
like free on a Tuesday at 3:00 p.m.
I'll get there.
So, Miss Murray, the reason we came
is that we have a question about Snowbird.
It's about a relationship, right?
No, no, it's obviously
about the fear of growing old.
You know,
I think you're both kind of right.
I guess I always thought it was
about human limitation,
both mental and physical.
Okay, that... That just blew my face off.
Well, I hope that helps.
It does. Thank you so much, Miss Murray.
This has been terrific.
Hey, before we go,
do you mind if I use your restroom?
- It was a long drive up here.
- No, go right ahead.
We should do something
without him sometime.
Do you like tapas?
Someone invited me out for that once.
I thought they said topless,
so I was like, "What?"
That's a good story.
Hey, you know, that was really cool
how you told us what Snowbird was about.
Well, you know, that's just the way
I always interpreted the song.
But I suppose Gene probably
could have explained it better than I.
Who's Gene?
Gene MacLellan. He wrote the song.
I see.
But you wrote all your other songs, right?
No, all of my songs
were written by other people.
As a singer, I've been blessed
to interpret the works of
many gifted, sensitive songwriters.
Oh.
So, you're just a big fucking liar?
Sit back down.
All right, come on, Stewie,
let's go home...
Stewie, what the hell are you doing?
She's a fraud, Brian. A fraud!
She didn't write any of her songs.
Well, so, that's the case
with a lot of singers.
It's a very common industry practice.
Well, then you're all a bunch of frauds,
aren't you?
A bunch of frauds and charlatans.
You want to be a puppet?
Then sing for your life, puppet. Come on.
(SINGING) Spread your tiny wings
and fly away!
(MUFFLED SINGING)
Come on, Anne, sing along.
You know it. You didn't write it,
but you know it, bitch.
(SINGING) The one I love forever is untrue
And if I could you know that
I would fly away with you
Hey, Meg,
you here for the expired hot dogs?
No, Carl, I'm looking for Chris.
I've looked everywhere
and I can't find him.
- I haven't seen him but I'll keep an eye out.
-(KNOCKING)
Hey, bozos, what do you think of this?
(CHUCKLES) I did it! I did it!
- You're crazy man. You're so crazy.
-(TIRES SCREECHING)
(PLAYING VIDEO GAME)
I thought I told you to clean up in here?
And why aren't you dressed?
We're supposed to have dinner
with Judge Maynard and Timmy.
Yeah, okay, as soon as I finish this level.
No, get your coat on.
It's a three-hour drive to that cabin.
Can't you just cook something here?
Excuse me?
l am not going to cook you dinner
while you sit here in your own mess
playing your TV games.
Oh-ho! And the martyr returns.
Chris, I think it's time for you to go.
Okay, I'll go.
But I want you to know,
I faked all my light-headedness.
Mmm, good Kool-Aid.
Whoa! Whoa!
Sound familiar?
Oh, my God, Chris. Oh, there you are.
I've been looking all over for you.
Why? You want to humiliate me
with more slave work?
No, I wanted to apologize.
I should've never blackmailed you.
I'm really sorry.
And I want you to come home.
I thought you said no one would miss me?
I said a lot of stupid things
I didn't mean, Chris.
But I miss you.
Thanks, Meg. I miss you, too.
You know, living in that family,
we both have pretty crappy lives.
And if we're going to survive it,
we can't turn on each other.
We're all we have.
I know.
I'll never do anything like that again.
Do you think you can ever forgive me?
Yeah, I forgive you.
(STARTING CAR ENGINE)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(SOBBING) We broke up.
(SINGING) Spread your tiny wings
and fiy away
And take the snow back with you
where it came from on that day
The one I love forever is untrue
And if I could, you know
that I would fly away with you
Yeah, if I could, you know that I would fly
Away with you