Family Guy (1998–…): Season 10, Episode 23 - Internal Affairs - full transcript

Peter talks Joe into having an affair with his new attractive partner, until Bonnie finds out.

(SINGING) It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex an TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there 's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

MALE TV ANNOUNCER: And now,
Quahog Channel 5 presents

"Movie and a Bath with a Guy Named Lou."



Hey. It's Saturday night,
and you know what that means.

We're gonna take a bath and watch
the 1984 interesting movie, "Gremlins."

Now, the gremlins are funny.

I don't know if those things are puppets

or they put costumes an dogs or something,

but let's press "play" and find out, huh?

You can't get them things wet, by the way,

but don't worry, this don't affect that.

We interrupt this program
for some breaking news,

which is why I'm still chewing a bagel.

(CHEWING) Mmm.

Just roll the footage.

JOYCE: A major drug bust
in Quahog today,

as police seized over 100 kilos of cocaine.



TOM: (SMACKS LIPS) Okay, I'm done.
That's right, Joyce!

Apparently, there were 100 kilos
of cocaine right here in Quahog.

And yet my guy can't get dick.

JOYCE: Singled out for special recognition
in orchestrating today's drug bust

was Officer Joe Swanson.

It feels good to know that,
thanks to me and my colleagues,

a lot fewer people will be injecting cocaine
into their penises tonight.

Is that a thing?

It's a great thing.

(CHEERING)

- Great job, Joe!
- Way to go!

There he is!

Hey, thanks, everybody.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Joe, I saw you on TV.

Now I have to go through the five stages
of having a celebrity friend.

Oh, you're on TV! That's so cool!

We are going right to the top together!

Oh, you think you're better than us, huh?

Just one fucking stroke of luck,
and you're there and l'm here!

I'm sorry I overreacted.

Look, you got to be careful.

You need someone looking out for you,
who knows you. Someone you can trust.

Give me some money!

Man, that was some pretty impressive
police work, Joe.

Thanks, Quagmire.

I'll be honest, it was nice to be
acknowledged by the Chief for once.

Usually, he's just reminding me

that whatever punk I'm roughing up
ain't worth it.

You son of a bitch!
I ought to kill you right here!

- (GRUNTING)
- Hey!

This punk's not worth it.

You're right.

You're not worth it.

So, listen,
if you guys aren't doing anything later,

the Chief's throwing me a little party
to celebrate my bust.

I am going to let Quagmire answer first.

- Yeah, I'll go.
- I shall go, too.

Great. I'll see you guys tonight.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Oh, God, buddy, l'm sorry. You okay?

(GRUNTING)

(KIDS SCREAMING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

You bastard!

(THUD)

(GRUNTING)

(SCREAMING)

(KIDS CHEERING)

(GRUNTING)

Well, now l've seen
Woodrow Wilson naked.

(NATIVES YELLING)

(GUN SHOTS)

(WOMAN SHRIEKS)

(WOMAN YELLS)

(SCREAMING)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

(SCREAMING)

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(CHOKING)

Hey, Bonnie,
I made a major drug bust today.

The biggest one the force has ever seen.

That's great, Joe.

You don't seem very excited.

I mean, this is a huge deal for me.

The Chief is even throwing me
a party tonight.

I don't know if I can take another evening
of sympathetic eye contact

from all the other wives.

Well, just so you know,
this is a really big deal!

They even asked me to be a guest
on Muy lmportante!

(ANNOUNCER READING)

(ANNOUNCER READING)

(ANNOUNCER READING)

Muy importante!

ALL: Muy importante!

A donkey just bit a child in the hallway.

Wow, l've never been to a cop bar before.

Yeah, look at the bartender.

I bet working here, she's one
of those women who's tough as nails

and good at giving sass.

What'll it be, fellas?

I'd like to cram both your boobs
into a martini glass.

(SOBBING)

I think she's just a normal woman.

To Joe Swanson,

and the biggest drug bust
in the history of Quahog!

(ALL CHEERING)

Officer Swanson,
I just wanted to say congratulations.

I'm Nora. I just joined the force.

Nice to meet you.

Wow, l've heard so much about you.

You're like a legend at the academy.

Is it true you got straight A's

in Officer Henderson's
Overintensity Workshop?

You're damn right I did!

Well, you did some great work today.

And I mean regular-person great,
not just wheelchair-person great.

(SIGHS) Yeah, I guess.

You seem a little distracted.
ls everything okay?

Yeah, sorry, I was just thinking about...

Someone should have come tonight,
but they didn't.

Ah, it's nothing.

That's good.

- Hey, Officer Swanson?
- Yeah?

You know how they say
never meet your heroes?

Well, they don't say anything
about kissing them.

Whoa!

Jeez, every cop in town is here.

I know.

Who do you think is taking care of the city?

No.

No.

No.

No.

MAN: What the hell? Come on!

No drive. Is wet.

Hey, fun party last night, Joe.

You guys, I got something to tell you.

The weirdest thing happened to me
at that party.

I got kissed by this chick cop.

No way! What's she look like? ls she hot?

Well, I don't know.

Is Elizabeth Perkins hot?

(STUTTERS)

I... I don't know.

Way to go, Joe! Did you bang her?

What? Of course not, Quagmire!

I mean, l'm a married man.
I could never cheat on Bonnie.

Well, under normal circumstances,
you'd be right to say that,

but in this case,
cheating would be the only fair thing.

What? What are you talking about?

Come on!
Didn't Bonnie have that affair in Paris?

Oh, yeah. I don't want to talk about that.

Joe, how can I put this delicately?

He used his stinky French wiener
to defile her.

Wow, that's a real hit above the belt.

But l'm still not sure
that's a reason to betray Bonnie.

Come on, Joe.
Sleeping with this girl will even things up.

You can't have that kind of imbalance
in your relationship.

In fact, you owe it to Bonnie
to have sex with this woman.

It's for the good of your marriage.

Yeah, you should go for it, Joe.

Secrets are what keep a marriage fresh.

I have a CB radio in the basement.

I go down there a couple times a week,
have CB sex,

Lois has no idea.

Breaker, breaker, one-nine. What's your 20?

(INDISTINCT SPEECH)

Ah, it's so hot
just knowing you're in a truck.

Good morning, Officer Swanson.

Oh, hey. Nora.

- Listen, I...
- It's okay, Joe.

You don't need to explain.

I stepped over the line at the bar last night.
I'm sorry.

It's not that I don't find you attractive. I do.
I just...

- I'm married, and...
- I get it. I totally understand, Joe.

(PHONE RINGS)

Excuse me. Hello?

- Joe?
- Bonnie?

- Oh. I meant to call someone else.
- Oh.

Yeah.

So, how is everything?

(LINE DISCONNECTS)

(SIGHS)

QUAGMIRE: Didn't Bonnie have
that affair in Paris?

PETER: He used his stinky French wiener
to defile her.

QUAGMIRE: Didn't Bonnie have
that affair in Paris?

PETER: He used his stinky French wiener
to defile her.

PETER: Hey, Quagmire, we 're in Joe's head.

Hey, let's mess with him.
I'm going to leave a fart trapped in here.

(PETER FARTS)

(BOTH LAUGH)

PETER: All right, let's get out of here.

(FOOTSTEPS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

- I want you.
- I want you, too.

Come on. I have a little place we can go to.

NORA: Wow, l've never seen a sofa
in a bathroom stall before.

JOE: Well, I'm the only one who comes
in here, so I figured I'd make it my own.

How are you enjoying your steak?

NORA: Mmm. lt's delicious.

Let me put another log on the fire.

(FIRE CRACKLING)

Thanks, Joe.
It was getting a little chilly in here.

Well, that's 'cause
you're all the way over there.

Well, let me fix that.

NORA: Mmm.

- Oh, Joe.
- Oh, Nora.

NORA: Did you bring protection?

JOE: Oh, don't worry.
Nothing comes out of the front.

What a great day for Joe and Bonnie.

This is Kevin's first birthday
since he came home from Iraq.

Why does Kevin always sit at the bus stop
but never gets on a bus?

Please don't bring that up.
Don't bring anything he does up.

Hey, you guys.

You're right on time.

Kevin just woke up screaming
from his afternoon nap.

Mom, it's my birthday,
and you invited your friends.

All yours are dead!

Hey, guys. Can I talk to you for a second?

I did something terrible.

Ah, hey, we've all done terrible things.

Attention, everyone.

The plane is sinking, so I need you all
to proceed onto the floating slide.

PETER: Dear airplane people,

I owe you one floating slide.

And just so you know,

the guy stewardess was angry gay,
not happy gay.

What does it say?

Nothing. Just instructions and stuff.

Oh, my God. You actually went through
with it? How was it?

I don't know, you guys.

I thought I would feel better
after I slept with Nora, but I don't.

I just feel really guilty.

And l'm not mad at Bonnie anymore,
I'm just mad at myself.

Guys, am I the only one
who thinks it's weird

talking about Joe cheating on Bonnie
in front of their baby?

MALE VOICE: I think we can all benefit
from a little strange now and then.

I know I will.

Uh-oh. The baby monitor.

What? The baby monitor?

You cheated on me?

I...

You bastard!

Bonnie, please!

After all I do for you,

- this is how you repay me?
- Well, how do you think I felt

when I found out
you slept with that French guy? Huh?

I never slept with Frangois.

What? But Peter said...

Lois, didn't you say
that Bonnie slept with him?

No, Peter. I said she wanted to.

Damn it, Peter!

Now, hold on.
In my defense, it is my experience

that I am generally correct
about most things.

Ah. You know what? It doesn't matter.

Bonnie's been driving me away
for some time now.

What? Driving you away?

Do you have any idea
how hard it is living with you?

They still have one of those TVs
with the big, fat back.

Maybe we should all leave.

- No!
- No! Everyone stays.

I want this to be a disaster.

'Cause this has been a long time coming.

You care about nothing except yourself.

You son of a bitch.

I got a license to operate
a sex crane for you.

And I got earplugs so I could put up
with that

(MIMICS BONNIE) horrible voice of yours.

I'm not an impressionist,
but you get the idea.

I perform purification rituals on my body
after we have sex.

I find it cleanses the immeasurable sadness
of having lain with a wretch.

I want a divorce!

You got it!

Sorry. I opened some of the gifts.

Does the Swanson divorce mean

that I have to go live
with Grandma and Grandpa?

No, Chris, it does not.
That doesn't even make any sense.

Peter, I can't believe you would
encourage Joe to have an affair.

Look, Lois, it's in the Bible.

What's in the Bible?

I don't know.
Doesn't that always cover it somehow?

Peter, you blew up their marriage!

This was a huge mistake.

Well, we've all made mistakes.

Eh.

(STEWIE SCREAMING)

Why did the sign say "not an exit"?

It should have just said "gorilla door"!

(SCREAMING)

So, it's really over, huh?

After all these years?

I'm afraid so.

But let's be honest, Peter.

Bonnie and I seem to have grown apart.

Boy, I never would have seen
this day coming when we first met.

Africa by Toto was playing.

I hear the drums echoing tonight

But she hears only whispers
of some quiet conversations

I stopped an old man along the way

Hoping to find some long forgotten words
or ancient melodies

He turned to me as if to say

"Hurry, bay, it's waiting there for you "

It's gonna take a lot
to drag me a way from you

There's nothing
that a hundred men or more could ever do

I bless the rains down in Africa

Gonna take some time
to do the things we never had

Lois, I know how to get
Joe and Bonnie back together.

Joe just told me how he and Bonnie met.

So I figure, all we got to do is find a way
to recreate the magic of that night.

Well, we better do something soon,

'cause I just talked to Bonnie
and she's already on D-Date.

What the hell's D-Date?

Diarrhea Date. It's filthy.
But she found someone,

and they're doing
whatever they do tomorrow.

What the hell's wrong with people?

Thanks for inviting me to lunch, Lois,

but why are we eating at a strip club?

I know the waitress here
from water aerobics.

She said she'd give us 20% off.

All units, all units.

PETER: We have a disturbance
at the Fuzzy Clam.

This is Officer Swanson.
What's the problem?

PETER: Well, one of the dancers
was dancing with a guy

and saying,
"You're my favorite, you're my favorite, "

but now she's dancing with another guy.

That's not a crime.

PETER:
Well, shouldn't it be?

I'll be right there.

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

("AFRICA" PLAYING)

Boy, I haven't heard this song
in a long time.

Police! What's going on?

Bonnie?

- Joe?
- What are you doing here?

I'm here with Lois.
What are you doing here?

I got a call.

Is that... Is that Africa by Toto?

- Yeah.
- That's our song.

It is.

But she hears only whispers
of some quiet conversations

Well, it seems like things are fine here.

Listen, Bonnie, I...

I just want to say l'm sorry.

I was a real ass, and I miss you.

I'm sorry, too.

I know I haven't been
that easy to live with lately.

Okay.

Well, I'm going to go now.

Joe, wait.

You want a lap dance, mister?

No. Sit down.

I'm giving you one.

The wild dogs cry out in the
night as they grow restless

longing for some solitary company

Oh, Joe.

Oh, Bonnie.

He turned to me as if to say...

Can you ever forgive me?

It's going to take some time, Joe.

Rest of your life okay?

It's gonna take a lot
to drag me a way from you

There's nothing
that a hundred men or more could ever do

I bless the rains down in Africa

Gonna take some time
to do the things we never had