Family Guy (1998–…): Season 10, Episode 16 - Killer Queen - full transcript

(SINGING) It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex an TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

Good evening, Quahog. I'm Tom Tucker.

Our top story tonight,
in a shocking turn of events,



the city of Detroit has officially given up.

The now former mayor has given the key
to the city back to the Huron Indian tribe.

So, farewell, Detroit.

From Bob Seger to Axel Foley,
we never really cared.

- Joyce?
- Thanks, Tom.

In local news, Quahog is expecting
a special guest this weekend,

famed Asian competitive eating champion,
Charles Yamamato.

Yamamoto has not yet last a hat dog
eating competition an his world tour.

But if you think you ha ve what it takes
to beat the best eater in the world,

come down
to the James Woods High parking lat

this Saturday with $50 and a large appetite.

We should probably note that
that is not a photo of Charles Yamamato.

That's another overweightAsian guy,
but you get the idea.

Wow, maybe, you should enter
the contest, Dad.



I'll bet you could win.

Well, I would, Chris, if I wasn't
so obsessed with my figure.

Wait a minute.
Chris, have you ever eaten anything?

Only, like, all the time!

Perfect! Now we just need the 50 bucks.

Damn it, I knew I shouldn't
have named that star for Mort.

(GROANS) Just give me the money.

Peter, we're not spending $50
so Chris can stuff his face with hot dogs.

All right, fine.
l'll figure out a way to get the cash myself.

- I'm a smart guy.
- Peter, no, you're not.

Don't you feel ridiculous now?

All right, Chris, if we're gonna pay
the entry fee for that eating contest,

we got to sell some of my old stuff.

- What are these, Dad?
- Oh, wow! I haven't seen those in a while.

Those are my old Playboys from the '70s.

PETER: Oh, my God, this one's so hot.

You can almost see a little bit of woman.

Oh, Peter, you've got some
pretty cool albums here.

Yeah, well, I was one cool potato
back in the day.

You know, some of these might
actually be worth something.

Look at this... Beatles, Rolling Stones.

Oh, my God,
I haven't seen this one in forever.

Look, Look at this.
Queen, News of the World.

Check it out.

(SCREAMS)

What's the matter?

What the hell is that?
A killer robot monster?

No, it's News of the World.
It's an album by the band Queen. See?

- (SCREAMS)
- Stewie, relax.

No, Brian!
You keep that thing away from me!

Is it... ls it looking at me? Can it see me?

(CHUCKLES) Man, you're really scared
of this thing, huh?

Does it eat little boys?

I don't know. Maybe, if it's hungry.

(SCREAMING)

Here's 50 bucks. I'm taking this album.

Oh, wow! Check it out, Chris!

We got our entry fee for the eating contest!

Now for the next five days,
we're gonna focus on nothing but training.

We'll even get up at the crack of dawn.

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

(WHISPERING) Dad? Dad, it's time to get up.

Oh, Jeez, Chris, it's the crack of dawn.

Yeah, but, Dad, you said to wake you up.

(GROGGILY) Yeah... Yeah, but...

Just get in the bed with me and your mom.

Okay, but what about training?

Mmm, you smell like melted cheese.

Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy.
yummy, yummy, yummy.

(YAWNS) Good morning, Rupert.

Please tell me you set
the timer on the coffeemaker

because I completely forgot.

(SCREAMING)

(LAUGHS)

You son of a bitch!

Good morning.
Thought I'd help you wake up.

God, why does he look sad?

STEWIE: He's already destroyed mankind!
What else could he want?

Hey, Carl. Hey, can I get a couple of
scratch-off lottery tickets?

Sure, Brian.

Ooh, Brian, can I do one? I love scratchers!

Well, all right, maybe just one.

Cherry.

Another cherry.
Oh, come on, one more, one more!

(SCREAMING)

- Thanks, Carl.
- Yeah, you're welcome. That was fun.

- See you later.
- Hey, thanks for letting me be Yoda.

Yup.

What is this?

(MUSIC TINKLING)

(CONTINUES TINKLING)

(LAUGHS) What was I worried about?

(SCREAMING)

Oh, God!

(SHOUTING) He's bleeding, man!

He's bleeding,
and nobody's doing anything about it!

I'll tell you what the news of the world is.

We're in a lot of goddamn trouble!

(CROWD CHEERING)

All right, Chris, this is it.
This is what we've been working for.

If you get nervous,
just picture the audience naked

and slide those hot dogs down your throat.

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the World Hot Dog
Eating Championship Competition!

Please welcome
our undefeated champion eater,

Charles Yamamota!

(CROWD CHEERING)

Oh, my God, that guy is huge.

All right, eaters, you ha ve 10 minutes.

On your marks, get set, eat!

(CROWD CHEERING)

(CHEERING)

Come on, Chris. You're doing great.
Just keep going. You're almost there.

Well, I'd better get a move on.

Time's almost up!
It's gonna be a close one!

Chris, you're four hot dogs behind!
Come on! Hurry!

(WHINING) Oh. I can't eat anymore.

Remember what I told you.

I get these weird cyst things
right on the fringe of my sac.

I want to get 'em checked,

but I 'm afraid
of what they 're gonna tell me.

He's right. I can do it!

(BUZZER SOUNDING)

ANNOUNCER: We have a winner!

Ladies and gentlemen,
Yamamoto has finally been defeated!

(CHEERING)

Chris, you did it! You're a champion!

And now you get your pick of the groupies.

They're shiny.

Yeah, it's a pretty warm day.

(GROANING IN AGONY)

Hey, hey, hey, there, champ!

Aw, look at him, Lois.
Relaxing after his big victory.

Peter, he's not relaxing.
He's in a great deal of pain.

Damn it, don't you see
what you did to him?

I told you not to take him
to that eating competition,

and you deliberately defied me!

All right, what's this really about?

Peter, Chris is already overweight.

We need to start taking responsibility
for his health.

Sol decided to sign him up for fat camp.

What? Mom, I don't want to go to fat camp!

I'm sorry, sweetie. lt's for your own good.

And trust me,
you'll feel much better about yourself.

Everyone's gonna make fun of me!

Oh, come on, who's gonna make fun of you?

Hey, fatty, I hear you're going to fat camp.

That's where you belong!

Peter, stop it!

And l'd better not see you at the big dance!

Come on, you.

Sorry, Chris. l'm gonna go with him.

Hi. Welcome to Camp Fresh Start.

Yeah, our son's gross, so here we are.
The name's Griffin.

Ah, yes, Chris Griffin.

We have you staying in the Broccoli Cabin.

So you guys are just gonna leave me here?

Yeah, honey. That's what camp is.

(SOBBING) I don't want to stay!
Please take me home!

I don't want to go to fat camp!

Aw, come on, Chris. Your mother's right.
This'll be good for you.

Well, how come you don't have to go?
You're fatter than I am!

Huh. Good question, Peter.
How come you don't have to go?

What are you talking about?

Well, you're the one who entered him
in that hot dog eating contest.

Besides, he's right.

You could stand to lose
a few pounds yourself.

Unless you don't think you could handle it.

Oh. yeah?

Well, I think I can.

- What was that?
- Never you mind what that was.

(CLANGING)

Rise and shine, everyone!

What do you got there? A candy bar, huh?

- Got any other contraband?
- No.

Don't lie to me. My father was a lawyer.

Oh, so your dad gets guys off.

(LAUGHING) Peter Griffin. Cabin clown.

Where's your bag, fatty?

You're welcome to search my beef case.

But there's mutton in there.

(LAUGHS) Peter Griffin. Cabin clown.

You're in big trouble, mister.

Oh! There's no pulling the wool
over this guy's eyes.

Looks like l'd better go on the lamb.

Peter Griffin. Cabin clown.

I think l'm gonna do okay here at fat camp.

You sure you got the chops for it?

Knock it off. l'm the cabin clown.

And then he went into the kitchen,

slowly opened the refrigerator,

and it was empty!

(ALL GASP)

So then, the man, weak with hunger,

raced from the refrigerator
to the counter to look for a delivery menu,

but all he could find
was one for a vegan place!

(ALL SCREAMING)

Vegan places aren't real, right?

No, they're not real.

Or are they?

Ahhh! Salad!

(BOYS SCREAMING)

Thank you for sharing, Leonard.

And I think getting a new couch was
the way to go.

Is there someone else who has a story
they'd like to share?

- Peter?
- Uh, yeah, sure.

This one time, I was on a city bus,

and the guy next to me
was eating a bucket of fried chicken.

- Oooh!
- Yum!

And the smell was getting to me,
you know.

And even though I didn't know the guy,

ljust dug in and started stuffing
that chicken into my mouth.

Uh-oh!

- Embarrassing.
- I've done that.

It was so delicious. But...

It wasn't fried chicken.

It was a baby!

(SOBBING) It was a baby.

- Stewie?
- (GUN COCKS)

Rupert, we won't give that evil robot
the satisfaction of killing us.

We'll go together on our own terms.

See you on the other side.

Oh, my God! Stewie, no!

What the hell's wrong with you?

It's that robot! He killed Queen,
and now he's going to kill me!

He didn't kill Queen. They're all fine.

Most of them are fine.

Look, Stewie, l'm sorry for scaring you,
all right?

But come on, it's not a real robot.

See? It, lt's just an album.
Look. Here, you want to hit it?

Well...

l'm usually more comfortable around
things ifl can put them in my mouth.

So, can I put it in my mouth?

I guess.

This is just an album!

Yeah, that's what
l've been trying to tell you.

So, you know, can you forgive me?

Oh, I suppose so.

I mean, Magellan forgave
the land ho prankster.

- Land ho!
- Where? Where?

Psych! Made you look, loser.

Good thing there wasn't land

or else you'd have to meet the natives
with that mustard stain on your shirt.

- What stain?
- Ah! (BLOWS RASPBERRY)

(GROANS) Why did I even
bring you on this trip?

Because l'm the best damn land spotter
in all of Europe.

It's true. You are the best.

Yeah, I don't need you to tell me that.

(PANTING)

Dad, I can't take this anymore.
l'm so tired and l'm so hungry.

I got an idea, Chris. Follow me.

What are we doing?

I saw a forest like this in a book one time,

and I know there's a gingerbread house
out here somewhere.

Do you think we could find it?

We have to, Chris.

We gotta eat something
besides what they're feeding us.

I know what you mean, Dad.

L'm so hungry I could eat this dead camper.

Holy crap!

Well, we clearly don't have
all the evidence yet,

but that's never stopped us before, right?

(LAUGHING)

Oh, there's no other cops here.

But we do know one thing,
this kid was murdered.

- (ALL GASP)
- Murdered?

Who in the world would want to
kill a camper?

JASON: Don't look at me.
l'm just here to drop off my son.

Justin? Justin, that does not work for me.

And it looks like there are signs of trauma
around the throat.

Somebody strangled this fat kid.

- Wait. He was strangled?
- Yeah.

Joe, I know who did it.

You do? Who?

Well, there's only one person I know
who likes to strangle fat guys,

Patrick Pewterschmidt.

- Who's that?
- My brother-in-law.

People call him the Fat Guy Strangler.

He's always had a thing
for strangling fat guys.

I guess he fits the profile, Peter,

but Lois' brother is locked up in an asylum.

Well, either way, we gotta get out of here.

Otherwise, we're just sitting ducks!

Hey, we all know this guy goes
for the classy ladies.

In fact, I once caught him
trying to pick up a quack whore.

(ALL LAUGHING)

All right, calm down.
We all make bad choices.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Lois, I hope you're sitting down.
I got something to tell you.

Oh, God, what's wrong?
ls everything okay? ls it Chris?

No, it's Peter, your husband.
But l'm calling with big news.

I was Anita in the camp production
of West Side Story.

Peter, you know you're terrible
at patter songs.

I did okay.

(SINGING) ...America

(MUMBLES) ...America

(MUMBLES) ...America

(MUMBLES) ...America

I got other news, too.
One of the fat kids at camp got strangled!

Oh, my God!

Yeah, but don't worry. It ain't your brother.
He's still locked up in that asylum.

Um... Mom, look who dropped by for a visit.

Hello, Lois.

- (GASPS) Patrick!
- It's been a long time.

(HUSHED TONE) Peter, he's here!

Wait a second, Lois. I want to go back
to what you said about my patter singing.

Who gives you the right?

You know I carried Pirates afPenzance
that season at Quahog Community Theater.

(SINGING) I am the...general...

(MUMBLING) ...mineral...historical...

(MUMBLING) ...with the eggs an top

Man, I hope we get back to your house
before Patrick hurts anyone else.

If he even lays a finger on my family,
I'll do to him what I did to the Riddler.

(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)

- Freeze, psycho!
- Oh, Peter, thank God!

Patrick Pewterschmidt, you're under arrest
for the murder of...

Shit.

I didn't get the kid's name.
We're supposed to do that.

Lois, you called the cops?

Patrick, you're my brother and I love you,
but you're not well.

But l'm better now.
I've put my past behind me.

Save it, Patrick. We know you escaped
from the asylum and killed Bill.

We'll just call him "Bill" for now.

Escaped? I didn't escape.

Just this morning, a very nice gentleman
opened my cell door

and said I was free to go.

Yeah, nice try. That's not how it works.

Uncle Patrick, why do you
strangle fat people?

It's probably a weird fetish thing.
Some criminals have 'em.

Like those anal-retentive bandits
who robbed Quahog Bank last year.

All right, hands in the air! Vertically!

Both arms should be parallel to each other!

You, fill this bag with clean,
unmarked bills.

But first, fix that notepad

so it's at a right angle
with the corner of your desk!

And tap that pile of receipts
against a flat surface,

so they're not sticking out haphazardly!

You know what? Forget about the money!
Everybody grab a broom!

We are straightening this place up!

All right, campers,
until the Fat Guy Strangler is caught,

everyone has to stay inside their cabins.

Now l'm gonna do a stomach count.

When I call your name, please respond.

- Jenkins?
- (STOMACH RUMBLES)

- Robertson?
- (STOMACH GROWLS)

- Davis?
- (STOMACH GROWLS)

Elliot?

- Where's Elliot?
- I think he's asleep.

Elliot? Elliot, wake up. Elliot?

(GASPS)

(RINGING)

Officer Swanson here.

- What? Oh, my God!
- What is it, Joe?

Another camper was strangled
half an hour ago.

But that means...

Patrick can't be the killer.

That's what I was trying to tell you.

Acknowledged. l'm on it.

Joe, would you settle a camp argument?
ls it "bombardment" or "dodgeball"?

- Dodgeball.
- Ah, you don't know.

Well, l'd better put out an APB
to all the neighboring towns.

The murderer won't leave the camp.

What? What are you talking about?

He's feeding.

He killed twice and he's gonna do it again.

He's got plenty of places to hide out there
and a fully stocked corral of victims.

- How do you know that?
- Trust me. I know.

You know, Joe,
maybe Patrick can actually be of help.

I mean, who better to get inside the mind
of someone who's strangling fat people

than someone who's done it himself?

Yeah, give him a chance, Joe.
Like I did with scary teenagers.

I used to be afraid of 'em,

until I realized
they were just misunderstood.

Hey, fat ass, give me your wallet!

I could give you my wallet,
but what I think you really want is love.

(VOICE QUIVERING) lt's true!

I'm taking your shoes.

Poor kid.

You know, the weirdest thing
is his bunk is right next to Chris'.

Yeah, that was a close call.

Oh, it was more than a close call.

You said the first victim was wearing
a baseball cap,

this second one is blond...

The killer wasn't trying to murder this kid.

He was trying to murder Chris.

(GASPS) Oh, my God!

- Why would anyone want to kill Chris?
- I don't know,

but I do know that he's in
a great deal of danger right now.

- Come on. Let's go!
- Yeah!

But wait, this is our last chance
to do a panty raid!

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

Yay! Fat camp! We got it!

Oh, no, a gust of wind!

(WIND HOWLING)

Oh, Chris, sweetie, I'm so glad you're here,
safe and sound.

Me, too, Mom.

(GASPS)

What are you doing here?

CHARLES: You dishonored me, Chris Griffin.

No one has ever eaten
more hot dogs than me.

Now you must die!

(GROANING)

(GAGGING)

(SCREAMS)

(GAGGING)

STEWIE: Hey, fat ass!

I got news for you. The News of the World!

(SCREAMING)

Why does robot hold dead people?
Is that future or past?

(GASPING)

(GROANING)

Oh, my God, Stewie, you saved my life!

Ah! You would've done
the same for me, Chris.

The important thing is,
we're all gonna be okay.

Right, Giant Robot?

Charles Yamamoto...

Went from eating champion
to cold-blooded killer.

- Who'd have thought?
- Wait a minute, Joe.

That's the guy who opened the door
to my cell yesterday

and told me I could leave the asylum.

Ah! ls that right?
Well, then it all makes sense.

Yamamoto wanted it to look like
you broke out on your own.

That way, when he murdered Chris,

it was a cinch
that you would take the blame.

Well, Patrick,
I guess we all owe you an apology.

Patrick?

Where did he go?

He was just right here. What happened?

Damn it! He must've gotten away!

How is that possible?

I don't know, but l'd better make it
look like there was a struggle.

Someone punch me in the face.

I'm a good friend to you.

She's a Killer Oueen

Gunpowder, gelatine

Dynamite with a laser beam

Guaranteed to blow your mind

Anytime

Recommended at the price

Insatiable an appetite

Wanna try?

You wanna try...