Family Guy (1998–…): Season 10, Episode 15 - Burning Down the Bayit - full transcript
Mort, Peter and Quagmire burn down Goldman's pharmacy to collect the insurance money, but things go awry when Joe starts to look into the case.
(SINGING) It seems today that all you see
Is violence in movies and sex an TV
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He's a family guy
Oh, my God!
Brian, I went to a baby rave last night.
Dropped a Flintstones chewable.
lt was a purple Betty.
I was flyin'! I was up till like... Like...
I don't even know how late.
Like, when I came home,
The Mentalist was still on.
- Like, that's how late.
- Morning, family.
Anyone needs me, l'll be out in the yard
using my new riding mower.
A riding mower?
For God's sakes, stop making
all these frivolous purchases.
You just blew all that money hiring
that English-to-raccoon translator.
(WHISPERING)
(CHITTERING)
(CHITTERING ANGRILY)
Don't need a translator for that one.
Tell him to come back
when he's ready to act like an adult.
(LAWNMOWER WHIRRING)
- Hey, what's up, Quagmire?
- Oh, there's the sound of the birds.
I thought they all disappeared,
because all I could hear was a lawnmower.
Oh, and what's that? The wind in the trees!
Good... That still exists.
What are you doing there,
planting some flowers?
Hey, look, why don't you
go bother Joe, huh?
I can't. He's in Vegas for the weekend,
seeing that handicapped
Cher impersonator.
(SINGING) If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
Yeah! We all want to turn back time!
This is the biggest sitting ovation
l've ever seen!
Damn it, where the hell did I put that?
- What are you looking for, Brian?
- That steak bone you gave me last night.
I can't remember what the hell I did with it.
Didn't you bring it outside?
(LAWNMOWER WHIRRING)
(SCREAMING)
Holy crap! Quagmire, you all right?
No, l'm not all right!
My head's gushing blood, you idiot!
Take your hand away.
Oh, boy! All right, hold still, Quagmire.
Oh, my God!
A piece of your brain came out!
- Ah! Well, that can't be good!
- Well, maybe it's not so bad.
I can feed it to my pet zombie.
Here you go.
Yeah, you're hungry, aren't ya?
He was a rescue.
When I found him, he was just walking
face-first into a chain-link fence downtown.
All right, almost done here, Glenn.
There we are, all finished.
Ah! Well, look at this. Look what happened.
(CHUCKLES)
Well, by the laws of comedy,
you and I have to be roommates now.
- That's hilarious, Doc.
- All right, here we go.
Now, l'm going to prescribe a course
ofantibiotics and some painkillers and...
- Hey, Elmer.
- Hey.
She sucks.
Okay, Quagmire, before we get your
prescription, let's grab some bandages.
God, this is such an East Coast pharmacy.
How are we gonna find gauze and bandages
in the middle ofall this crap?
I think he keeps them next to
the 1,000-piece puzzle ofa lobster trap.
I don't see it.
You mean, next to the Kadima paddles,
or next to the basic black sweatshirt
with no writing on it?
No, I think they're over there
between the rain ponchos
and the cap guns and just below
the balsa wood gliders
and the net bag of flip-flops
and a beach pail.
Above the set of jacks?
Yes, above the jacks and the
bicentennial playing cards
and across from the giant cage
with the beach balls,
next to the Wiffle ball bats
and the spark-spitting cars.
I don't...
Oh, next to the wax bottles of weird juice.
Yes, behind the plastic bag
ofMexican soldiers
from the Alamo and
the Super Elastic Bubble Plastic.
Oh, yeah, I got 'em.
- Hey, Mort. How's it going?
- Oh, it's awful, Peter!
- Why? What's the matter?
- The pharmacy's going under.
I can barely pay my bills.
I can't even afford the real pharmacy music.
That's just me up there. Listen.
MORT: If this is it ooh wah
Please let me know
If this ain 't lave
You better/ust say so
If this is it
They say l've got Jewish honey in my voice.
Jewish honey is mucus.
But I thought you made
a lot of money here.
I used to, but it's all gone downhill
since Muriel died.
She could get away
with overcharging people,
because they were always
mentally undressing her
and then re-dressing her once
they saw the horrible mess underneath.
But in that interval, she robbed them blind.
(SOBBING)
Well, look, I don't know,
maybe there's something we can do
to help you drum up some business.
- You know, get the word out.
- Like what?
Hey, you just leave that to us.
(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)
Is opening and closing the cash register
a bunch of times helping business yet?
- No.
- Okay, then we'll do other stuff.
Okay, Mort, now, if you want to get
more customers in your pharmacy,
you're gonna have to do a promotion, like...
- Like, "Buy one, get one free."
- What?
- Buy one, get one free.
- Huh?
- Buy one...
- Yeah, I get that.
- Get one free.
- Is that, like, a Spanish word?
No, it's English. The whole thing's English.
Oh, 'cause it seems like you're saying
the first part in English
and then some kind of made up
phalumpf-phalumpf
or something in the second part.
I don't understand you.
All right, let me try
explaining it another way.
Let's say we're at someone else's store
and there's a sign and it says,
"Buy one, get one free."
Get one free? Wow!
What store are you talking about?
Excuse me, I have been waiting
for my prescription for 25 minutes!
Oh, l'm really sorry, Ms. Dumott.
We'll have that filled for you right away.
Guys, what the hell's going on back there?
Remember, each pill
has to go into the correct bottle.
This ain't so hard.
(DROWSILY) I... I got a wicked boner.
This was a great idea, Peter.
We fly this thing over Providence,
it's bound to get people into the pharmacy.
That's right, bring in the city folk
with their big money
and their long cigarettes
and their dogs with shoes.
Hey, check it out, we got a giggity
over there on the 32nd floor.
I'm gonna go in for a closer look.
(QUAGMIRE CHUCKLING)
QUAGMIRE: All right!
- (GASPS) Quagmire, look out!
- Oh, no!
- Geez, that was a close one!
- Yeah, but at least nobody got hurt.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Goldman's Pharmacy!
Now, that could be a good place
to get new shoes for my dog.
Good evening, Quahog.
Grim details continue to roll in at this hour
in the story afthe detached airplane
advertising banner
which caused a school bus
to plummet into the Pawtuxet River.
That's right, Joyce.
Ouahog is own Goldman's Pharmacy
made headlines across the country,
after a banner of theirs caused the bus
to drive off a bridge,
tragically killing all the teenagers on board.
Many of the students Tweeted
about the accident as it was happening.
We ha ve a few here.
From @Jenny94,
"Water seriously cold, yo. "
Here's @TheTedb'9,
"I'm gonna survive this LOL. JK. "
"JK, "indeed.
Oh, God, I'm ruined! Nobody's ever gonna
shop in my pharmacy again!
I'm gonna lose everything!
Oh, Gosh, Mort, I feel terrible about this.
I wish there was some way we could fix it.
You know, my cousin had the same
problem, but he lucked out,
'cause his business burned to the ground.
The insurance made him a very rich man.
(CHUCKLES) Too bad we can't just
torch the pharmacy.
Aw, come on, no, we can't do that.
That'd be like stealing
from the insurance companies.
- It wouldn't be right.
- Oh, they're bastards.
Last year, after I lost my beloved Muriel,
our life insurance company
refused to pay on her policy.
They took what should have been
a pleasant experience
and made it into an ordeal!
Well, that doesn't totally surprise me.
A friend of mine
staying in my house got, um, injured,
and my homeownefs insurance
wouldn't pay her doctor bills.
Said the policy
didn't cover an "Act of Rod."
Yeah, come to think of it, they wouldn't
even pay for the fetus Lois lost when we
went to visit the Museum of Staircases
and Spring-loaded Boxing Gloves.
Yeah, you know, they don't seem
to pay out on anything.
- No, not at all, right?
- Yeah, that's true, they don't pay.
Well, then I say, screw the bastards!
Let's burn the place down!
What? Peter, we're talking about
a major crime here.
This is not smuggling Oriental women
into the country in steel cans.
This is a serious felony.
Quagmire, this whole mess was our fault.
We got to make it right.
And, look, as long as nobody sees us,
And we don't tell anybody,
then we're in the clear.
Well, I guess I did kind of
destroy your business, Mort.
All right, then let's do it, tomorrow night!
Good. l'm just gonna have to reschedule
my weekly re-circumcision.
So, what are we doing today,
a little off the top?
Yeah, but leave a little up front,
so I have something to play with.
- Sounds good.
- And take a look at the back.
- You see that there?
- Yeah.
Yeah, let's trim that. I don't know when
that started, but let's get rid of that.
Okay, guys, listen up.
This is a very flammable mixture
that's also undetectable.
If we put it on the electric box
and two of the outlets,
Then light them all at once,
it'll look like a short circuit.
Geez, Mort, how the hell
do you know how to do all this?
Well, there's a whole section of the Torah
dedicated to burning down your business.
Right after the chapter on writing
complaint letters
that will result
in compensatory merchandise.
"Dear stuffed shirts at Ritz Crackers.
"A chain is only as strong as its
weakest link.
"Just as a box of crackers is only
as appealing as its least intact sleeve.
"Iam paying for fully formed crackers,
not butter crumbles.
"I don't buy your product
with broken quarters,
"don't stick me with broken pieces
of cracker, you miserable dickheads!
"Regards, Mort Goldman again."
All right, let's get to work.
Oh, my God! We did it!
Hey, Peter, what are you gonna tell Lois
when she asks where you were tonight?
Don't worry, I got it all covered.
(BRAYING)
(BRAYS IN REPLY)
- (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
- (LAUGHS)
This is awesome! And Peter has no idea!
Well, Mr. Goldman,
we've ruled out foul play.
It looks like it was just
a case of faulty wiring.
Well, you're still gonna have
to buy something.
This is rubble, not a library.
Okay, well... l'm sorry for your loss,
but the good news is your insurance
will be covering all of your damages.
You hear what he said, fellas?
Looks like we pulled it off.
Yeah, for now. I still got a bad feeling.
He's gonna find something, I just know it.
Will you relax? We got an ironclad alibi.
We were all seeing the Beatles live
at The Ed Sullivan Show.
(FANS SCREAMING)
- (SCREAMS)
- PETER: Sorry. I rode a bike here.
All right, guys, all we got to do now
is keep a low profile
And not mention a word of this to anybody.
Not even the police.
- That's right, not a word to anyone.
- Nobody. Lips are sealed.
- Ooh! I want to tell somebody.
- Peter!
You shut your mouth!
Hey, Mort, I was really sorry
to hear about the pharmacy.
Oh, thank you, Joe.
I was very, very sorry, too.
Yeah, Joe.
The insurance guy said it was an accident.
Yeah, he seemed pretty smart.
His shirt was tucked in,
so I bet he went to Harvard.
Well, you're my friend, Mort.
I want you to know that l'm going
to personally go over all the evidence.
I'd hate to think there's
someone in town who's out to get you.
Hey, Joe, they said it was an accident.
Roll away.
No, l'm just saying, as your friend,
I wouldn't feel right unless
I left no stone unturned.
Geez, Joe, let it go.
Yeah, Joe, even RoboCop took a day off
once in a while.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Nope.
I don't like Joe sticking his nose into this.
Maybe this was all a big mistake.
You're damn right it was.
Why did I ever agree to do this?
This isn't who I am.
I looked in the mirror this morning,
and it was like I was looking
at a man I'd never seen before.
Hi. Scott Bakula.
Just take it easy, Quagmire.
There's nothing to worry about.
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- Hey, it's Joe, open up.
(ALL GASP)
Hey, Joe. What's going on?
Oh, hey, I forgot, I brought
you guys souvenirs from my trip to Vegas.
They're T-shirts that say,
"I lost my shirt in Lost Wages."
(LAUGHING)
- I think maybe you should keep 'em.
- All right, l'll see you guys later.
I got to go see the forensics team
about the pharmacy.
Don't you worry, Mort.
We'll get to the bottom of this.
I don't like this, you guys. This is bad.
Joe's gonna find out, I just know it.
Geez, Quagmire, you need to relax.
And I know how to help.
Calgon, take him away.
(SOOTHING MUSIC PLAYING)
QUAGMIRE: This is worse, Peter!
Relax, this is supposed to be your time.
This is the right way
to deal with your problems.
All right, guys,
ifJoe really is nosing around,
I think I know how to
get him off the case once and for all.
- JOE: Hello?
- Officer Swanson, this is the Chief of Police.
I'm afraid you're fired.
JOE: I see. Well, that's too bad.
I was looking forward to giving you
your birthday present next week.
Oh. Apparently, there was a mistake.
Forget I called.
Guys, I got to become
chief of police by next week.
Chief, this just came in for you
from Officer Swanson.
A Starbucks gift card?
This has been
an unproductive use of my time.
Okay, I got it. Joe can't investigate
if he's distracted, right?
Well, what's more distracting
than texts about dinner plans?
Mmm. These burn ignition patterns
aren't consistent with an electrical fire.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
Would love to.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
Probably about 7:00 or 7:30.
- (CELL PHONE CHIMES)
- (SIGHS)
Any of those places would be fine.
- (CELL PHONE CHIMES)
- God! No way!
(ANGRILY) I don't know.
Probably just a collared shirt and jeans.
Have you never been
to a restaurant before?
Oh, he's getting annoyed. Look at that.
He sure is.
Okay, now tell him you want a vegan place.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
- Oh, my God! He's so pissed, he's calling.
- Well, answer it.
No, no, no. l'm gonna send it to voicemail,
then call him back,
but pocket-dial him
while I walk a few blocks.
JOE: Peter? Peter? Hello?
I'm getting very little work done!
You guys, I just can't take this anymore.
I've been giving it a lot of thought
and I think we all just need to confess.
What? Now just hold on, Quagmire.
If you start yapping to the cops,
we're gonna rot in prison
for the next 30 years.
- JOE: Evening, gentlemen.
- (ALL GASP)
- Joe!
- Glad I found you here.
I had a question for you guys.
Did any of you happen to be
at Mort's pharmacy on the night of the fire?
- No.
- None of us were.
I'm triplets.
Could have been one of my triplets.
I see. Well, then it's kind of
peculiar that I would find this.
A pocket-dial voicemail from Peter
on the night of the fire.
PETER: Oh, my God, look at that fire
we started, Quagmire and Mort.
You know who I don't miss is Joe.
That's a piece of evidence that
hurts all of us.
You three are under arrest
for burning down Goldman's Pharmacy.
Well, the pocket-dial giveth,
and the pocket-dial taketh away.
You'll never take me alive!
- Aren't you gonna run?
- I would,
but I don't want my gym teacher
to laugh at me.
He's been following me around
since junior high.
Watch this. Watch this Jewish kid run.
First, I have to read you the Miranda
rights for Jewish people.
You have the right to remain silent,
even though you won't.
You have the right to infer an insult
where none was intended.
What's that supposed to mean?
You have the right to a lawyer,
who you are probably related to.
This interview is over.
What were you doing
the night of March 8th?
- Fuckin' your mother.
- Come on, man, that's not cool.
Oh, yeah?
Maybe this is cool enough for you.
(FARTING)
(BLOWS)
It's gonna take a lot more
than a fart in my face to make me...
Whoa! Whoa!
Yeah, and there's more
where that came from.
(STRAINING)
(SIGHS) No, there isn't.
- Where were you the night of the fire?
- I was at the movies.
- What did you see?
- No Strings Attached.
- How was it?
- Sucked.
Okay, that checks out.
Boy, that Ashton Kutcher sure
was a cad in that movie, wasn't he?
- Yeah, totally.
- Wrong! He had a heart of gold.
You're going down.
- Your husband's in here, ma'am.
- Lois!
Peter, what's going on? ls it true?
Did you really burn down Mort's pharmacy?
Hi, Lois. Hi.
Look, Lois,
we were just trying to help Mort.
Peter, how could you do this?
You have a family.
Did you ever stop to think about us
before you did something that could
send you away to prison?
(SIGHS) For once, could you visit me in jail
and not criticize me?
Wait a minute.
This isn't Carvel, you lying bitch.
All right, that's enough.
Visiting time is over.
You know you guys
are gonna do time for this.
Come on, Joe.
You're really gonna put us away?
You think I want to do this?
You know how hard it's gonna be
for me to make new friends?
Hey, do you think Chris is old enough
to be my friend?
Old enough? Yes. But I wouldn't bark down
that alley, you frighten him.
He thinks you're a Transformer
that broke halfway through.
I get that a lot. I understand.
Look, Mort was in trouble.
We were just trying to help him out.
Well, insurance fraud is not the way
to help somebody out.
Listen, Joe, insurance agencies
are all scumbags.
- They deserve to get hurt.
- You don't decide that.
What you did is against the law.
It's easy for you, Joe.
You don't know what it's like to be
screwed over by an insurance company.
Oh, I don't, do I?
Well, let me tell you a little story.
It was hours after my accident.
I was barely conscious
on the operating table,
but l'll never forget
the phone call that changed my life.
Hello, l'm calling on behalf
of your policyholder, Joe Swanson.
He's badly injured his spine.
Well, there's a new procedure that,
ifadministered immediately,
should restore his ability to walk.
$200,000.
We also have a wheelchair.
$60.
Okay.
(IN DEEP TONE) They're going with
Those sons of bitches
made it about money.
Yeah, Joe. So, what do you say?
They didn't care about you.
Why should you care about them?
The thing is, you guys committed a crime.
And l've still got the evidence to prove it.
Too bad I lost it.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Message deleted.
Was that...
Was that supposed to mean something?
Yeah, l'm letting you guys go.
- Oh. Oh, well, that's great.
- Yeah, I didn't get that, either.
Yeah, why didn't you just say that?
I'm starting to regret erasing that message.
Too late, butt-face.
Have a great summer, Joe.
Peter, I don't understand
how they just let you out ofjail.
Yeah, Joe had all kinds of evidence
against you guys.
Seems like a huge miscarriage ofjustice.
I thought if you do something wrong,
you're supposed to get punished.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, Chris, not if you're white.
Well, now that l've wrapped
things up with you guys,
I better wrap things up
with my basement family.
Well, did you guys learn your lesson
about eating uncooked antelope?
(GRUNTING)
(HISSING)
Is violence in movies and sex an TV
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He's a family guy
Oh, my God!
Brian, I went to a baby rave last night.
Dropped a Flintstones chewable.
lt was a purple Betty.
I was flyin'! I was up till like... Like...
I don't even know how late.
Like, when I came home,
The Mentalist was still on.
- Like, that's how late.
- Morning, family.
Anyone needs me, l'll be out in the yard
using my new riding mower.
A riding mower?
For God's sakes, stop making
all these frivolous purchases.
You just blew all that money hiring
that English-to-raccoon translator.
(WHISPERING)
(CHITTERING)
(CHITTERING ANGRILY)
Don't need a translator for that one.
Tell him to come back
when he's ready to act like an adult.
(LAWNMOWER WHIRRING)
- Hey, what's up, Quagmire?
- Oh, there's the sound of the birds.
I thought they all disappeared,
because all I could hear was a lawnmower.
Oh, and what's that? The wind in the trees!
Good... That still exists.
What are you doing there,
planting some flowers?
Hey, look, why don't you
go bother Joe, huh?
I can't. He's in Vegas for the weekend,
seeing that handicapped
Cher impersonator.
(SINGING) If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
Yeah! We all want to turn back time!
This is the biggest sitting ovation
l've ever seen!
Damn it, where the hell did I put that?
- What are you looking for, Brian?
- That steak bone you gave me last night.
I can't remember what the hell I did with it.
Didn't you bring it outside?
(LAWNMOWER WHIRRING)
(SCREAMING)
Holy crap! Quagmire, you all right?
No, l'm not all right!
My head's gushing blood, you idiot!
Take your hand away.
Oh, boy! All right, hold still, Quagmire.
Oh, my God!
A piece of your brain came out!
- Ah! Well, that can't be good!
- Well, maybe it's not so bad.
I can feed it to my pet zombie.
Here you go.
Yeah, you're hungry, aren't ya?
He was a rescue.
When I found him, he was just walking
face-first into a chain-link fence downtown.
All right, almost done here, Glenn.
There we are, all finished.
Ah! Well, look at this. Look what happened.
(CHUCKLES)
Well, by the laws of comedy,
you and I have to be roommates now.
- That's hilarious, Doc.
- All right, here we go.
Now, l'm going to prescribe a course
ofantibiotics and some painkillers and...
- Hey, Elmer.
- Hey.
She sucks.
Okay, Quagmire, before we get your
prescription, let's grab some bandages.
God, this is such an East Coast pharmacy.
How are we gonna find gauze and bandages
in the middle ofall this crap?
I think he keeps them next to
the 1,000-piece puzzle ofa lobster trap.
I don't see it.
You mean, next to the Kadima paddles,
or next to the basic black sweatshirt
with no writing on it?
No, I think they're over there
between the rain ponchos
and the cap guns and just below
the balsa wood gliders
and the net bag of flip-flops
and a beach pail.
Above the set of jacks?
Yes, above the jacks and the
bicentennial playing cards
and across from the giant cage
with the beach balls,
next to the Wiffle ball bats
and the spark-spitting cars.
I don't...
Oh, next to the wax bottles of weird juice.
Yes, behind the plastic bag
ofMexican soldiers
from the Alamo and
the Super Elastic Bubble Plastic.
Oh, yeah, I got 'em.
- Hey, Mort. How's it going?
- Oh, it's awful, Peter!
- Why? What's the matter?
- The pharmacy's going under.
I can barely pay my bills.
I can't even afford the real pharmacy music.
That's just me up there. Listen.
MORT: If this is it ooh wah
Please let me know
If this ain 't lave
You better/ust say so
If this is it
They say l've got Jewish honey in my voice.
Jewish honey is mucus.
But I thought you made
a lot of money here.
I used to, but it's all gone downhill
since Muriel died.
She could get away
with overcharging people,
because they were always
mentally undressing her
and then re-dressing her once
they saw the horrible mess underneath.
But in that interval, she robbed them blind.
(SOBBING)
Well, look, I don't know,
maybe there's something we can do
to help you drum up some business.
- You know, get the word out.
- Like what?
Hey, you just leave that to us.
(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)
Is opening and closing the cash register
a bunch of times helping business yet?
- No.
- Okay, then we'll do other stuff.
Okay, Mort, now, if you want to get
more customers in your pharmacy,
you're gonna have to do a promotion, like...
- Like, "Buy one, get one free."
- What?
- Buy one, get one free.
- Huh?
- Buy one...
- Yeah, I get that.
- Get one free.
- Is that, like, a Spanish word?
No, it's English. The whole thing's English.
Oh, 'cause it seems like you're saying
the first part in English
and then some kind of made up
phalumpf-phalumpf
or something in the second part.
I don't understand you.
All right, let me try
explaining it another way.
Let's say we're at someone else's store
and there's a sign and it says,
"Buy one, get one free."
Get one free? Wow!
What store are you talking about?
Excuse me, I have been waiting
for my prescription for 25 minutes!
Oh, l'm really sorry, Ms. Dumott.
We'll have that filled for you right away.
Guys, what the hell's going on back there?
Remember, each pill
has to go into the correct bottle.
This ain't so hard.
(DROWSILY) I... I got a wicked boner.
This was a great idea, Peter.
We fly this thing over Providence,
it's bound to get people into the pharmacy.
That's right, bring in the city folk
with their big money
and their long cigarettes
and their dogs with shoes.
Hey, check it out, we got a giggity
over there on the 32nd floor.
I'm gonna go in for a closer look.
(QUAGMIRE CHUCKLING)
QUAGMIRE: All right!
- (GASPS) Quagmire, look out!
- Oh, no!
- Geez, that was a close one!
- Yeah, but at least nobody got hurt.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Goldman's Pharmacy!
Now, that could be a good place
to get new shoes for my dog.
Good evening, Quahog.
Grim details continue to roll in at this hour
in the story afthe detached airplane
advertising banner
which caused a school bus
to plummet into the Pawtuxet River.
That's right, Joyce.
Ouahog is own Goldman's Pharmacy
made headlines across the country,
after a banner of theirs caused the bus
to drive off a bridge,
tragically killing all the teenagers on board.
Many of the students Tweeted
about the accident as it was happening.
We ha ve a few here.
From @Jenny94,
"Water seriously cold, yo. "
Here's @TheTedb'9,
"I'm gonna survive this LOL. JK. "
"JK, "indeed.
Oh, God, I'm ruined! Nobody's ever gonna
shop in my pharmacy again!
I'm gonna lose everything!
Oh, Gosh, Mort, I feel terrible about this.
I wish there was some way we could fix it.
You know, my cousin had the same
problem, but he lucked out,
'cause his business burned to the ground.
The insurance made him a very rich man.
(CHUCKLES) Too bad we can't just
torch the pharmacy.
Aw, come on, no, we can't do that.
That'd be like stealing
from the insurance companies.
- It wouldn't be right.
- Oh, they're bastards.
Last year, after I lost my beloved Muriel,
our life insurance company
refused to pay on her policy.
They took what should have been
a pleasant experience
and made it into an ordeal!
Well, that doesn't totally surprise me.
A friend of mine
staying in my house got, um, injured,
and my homeownefs insurance
wouldn't pay her doctor bills.
Said the policy
didn't cover an "Act of Rod."
Yeah, come to think of it, they wouldn't
even pay for the fetus Lois lost when we
went to visit the Museum of Staircases
and Spring-loaded Boxing Gloves.
Yeah, you know, they don't seem
to pay out on anything.
- No, not at all, right?
- Yeah, that's true, they don't pay.
Well, then I say, screw the bastards!
Let's burn the place down!
What? Peter, we're talking about
a major crime here.
This is not smuggling Oriental women
into the country in steel cans.
This is a serious felony.
Quagmire, this whole mess was our fault.
We got to make it right.
And, look, as long as nobody sees us,
And we don't tell anybody,
then we're in the clear.
Well, I guess I did kind of
destroy your business, Mort.
All right, then let's do it, tomorrow night!
Good. l'm just gonna have to reschedule
my weekly re-circumcision.
So, what are we doing today,
a little off the top?
Yeah, but leave a little up front,
so I have something to play with.
- Sounds good.
- And take a look at the back.
- You see that there?
- Yeah.
Yeah, let's trim that. I don't know when
that started, but let's get rid of that.
Okay, guys, listen up.
This is a very flammable mixture
that's also undetectable.
If we put it on the electric box
and two of the outlets,
Then light them all at once,
it'll look like a short circuit.
Geez, Mort, how the hell
do you know how to do all this?
Well, there's a whole section of the Torah
dedicated to burning down your business.
Right after the chapter on writing
complaint letters
that will result
in compensatory merchandise.
"Dear stuffed shirts at Ritz Crackers.
"A chain is only as strong as its
weakest link.
"Just as a box of crackers is only
as appealing as its least intact sleeve.
"Iam paying for fully formed crackers,
not butter crumbles.
"I don't buy your product
with broken quarters,
"don't stick me with broken pieces
of cracker, you miserable dickheads!
"Regards, Mort Goldman again."
All right, let's get to work.
Oh, my God! We did it!
Hey, Peter, what are you gonna tell Lois
when she asks where you were tonight?
Don't worry, I got it all covered.
(BRAYING)
(BRAYS IN REPLY)
- (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
- (LAUGHS)
This is awesome! And Peter has no idea!
Well, Mr. Goldman,
we've ruled out foul play.
It looks like it was just
a case of faulty wiring.
Well, you're still gonna have
to buy something.
This is rubble, not a library.
Okay, well... l'm sorry for your loss,
but the good news is your insurance
will be covering all of your damages.
You hear what he said, fellas?
Looks like we pulled it off.
Yeah, for now. I still got a bad feeling.
He's gonna find something, I just know it.
Will you relax? We got an ironclad alibi.
We were all seeing the Beatles live
at The Ed Sullivan Show.
(FANS SCREAMING)
- (SCREAMS)
- PETER: Sorry. I rode a bike here.
All right, guys, all we got to do now
is keep a low profile
And not mention a word of this to anybody.
Not even the police.
- That's right, not a word to anyone.
- Nobody. Lips are sealed.
- Ooh! I want to tell somebody.
- Peter!
You shut your mouth!
Hey, Mort, I was really sorry
to hear about the pharmacy.
Oh, thank you, Joe.
I was very, very sorry, too.
Yeah, Joe.
The insurance guy said it was an accident.
Yeah, he seemed pretty smart.
His shirt was tucked in,
so I bet he went to Harvard.
Well, you're my friend, Mort.
I want you to know that l'm going
to personally go over all the evidence.
I'd hate to think there's
someone in town who's out to get you.
Hey, Joe, they said it was an accident.
Roll away.
No, l'm just saying, as your friend,
I wouldn't feel right unless
I left no stone unturned.
Geez, Joe, let it go.
Yeah, Joe, even RoboCop took a day off
once in a while.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Nope.
I don't like Joe sticking his nose into this.
Maybe this was all a big mistake.
You're damn right it was.
Why did I ever agree to do this?
This isn't who I am.
I looked in the mirror this morning,
and it was like I was looking
at a man I'd never seen before.
Hi. Scott Bakula.
Just take it easy, Quagmire.
There's nothing to worry about.
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- Hey, it's Joe, open up.
(ALL GASP)
Hey, Joe. What's going on?
Oh, hey, I forgot, I brought
you guys souvenirs from my trip to Vegas.
They're T-shirts that say,
"I lost my shirt in Lost Wages."
(LAUGHING)
- I think maybe you should keep 'em.
- All right, l'll see you guys later.
I got to go see the forensics team
about the pharmacy.
Don't you worry, Mort.
We'll get to the bottom of this.
I don't like this, you guys. This is bad.
Joe's gonna find out, I just know it.
Geez, Quagmire, you need to relax.
And I know how to help.
Calgon, take him away.
(SOOTHING MUSIC PLAYING)
QUAGMIRE: This is worse, Peter!
Relax, this is supposed to be your time.
This is the right way
to deal with your problems.
All right, guys,
ifJoe really is nosing around,
I think I know how to
get him off the case once and for all.
- JOE: Hello?
- Officer Swanson, this is the Chief of Police.
I'm afraid you're fired.
JOE: I see. Well, that's too bad.
I was looking forward to giving you
your birthday present next week.
Oh. Apparently, there was a mistake.
Forget I called.
Guys, I got to become
chief of police by next week.
Chief, this just came in for you
from Officer Swanson.
A Starbucks gift card?
This has been
an unproductive use of my time.
Okay, I got it. Joe can't investigate
if he's distracted, right?
Well, what's more distracting
than texts about dinner plans?
Mmm. These burn ignition patterns
aren't consistent with an electrical fire.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
Would love to.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
Probably about 7:00 or 7:30.
- (CELL PHONE CHIMES)
- (SIGHS)
Any of those places would be fine.
- (CELL PHONE CHIMES)
- God! No way!
(ANGRILY) I don't know.
Probably just a collared shirt and jeans.
Have you never been
to a restaurant before?
Oh, he's getting annoyed. Look at that.
He sure is.
Okay, now tell him you want a vegan place.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
- Oh, my God! He's so pissed, he's calling.
- Well, answer it.
No, no, no. l'm gonna send it to voicemail,
then call him back,
but pocket-dial him
while I walk a few blocks.
JOE: Peter? Peter? Hello?
I'm getting very little work done!
You guys, I just can't take this anymore.
I've been giving it a lot of thought
and I think we all just need to confess.
What? Now just hold on, Quagmire.
If you start yapping to the cops,
we're gonna rot in prison
for the next 30 years.
- JOE: Evening, gentlemen.
- (ALL GASP)
- Joe!
- Glad I found you here.
I had a question for you guys.
Did any of you happen to be
at Mort's pharmacy on the night of the fire?
- No.
- None of us were.
I'm triplets.
Could have been one of my triplets.
I see. Well, then it's kind of
peculiar that I would find this.
A pocket-dial voicemail from Peter
on the night of the fire.
PETER: Oh, my God, look at that fire
we started, Quagmire and Mort.
You know who I don't miss is Joe.
That's a piece of evidence that
hurts all of us.
You three are under arrest
for burning down Goldman's Pharmacy.
Well, the pocket-dial giveth,
and the pocket-dial taketh away.
You'll never take me alive!
- Aren't you gonna run?
- I would,
but I don't want my gym teacher
to laugh at me.
He's been following me around
since junior high.
Watch this. Watch this Jewish kid run.
First, I have to read you the Miranda
rights for Jewish people.
You have the right to remain silent,
even though you won't.
You have the right to infer an insult
where none was intended.
What's that supposed to mean?
You have the right to a lawyer,
who you are probably related to.
This interview is over.
What were you doing
the night of March 8th?
- Fuckin' your mother.
- Come on, man, that's not cool.
Oh, yeah?
Maybe this is cool enough for you.
(FARTING)
(BLOWS)
It's gonna take a lot more
than a fart in my face to make me...
Whoa! Whoa!
Yeah, and there's more
where that came from.
(STRAINING)
(SIGHS) No, there isn't.
- Where were you the night of the fire?
- I was at the movies.
- What did you see?
- No Strings Attached.
- How was it?
- Sucked.
Okay, that checks out.
Boy, that Ashton Kutcher sure
was a cad in that movie, wasn't he?
- Yeah, totally.
- Wrong! He had a heart of gold.
You're going down.
- Your husband's in here, ma'am.
- Lois!
Peter, what's going on? ls it true?
Did you really burn down Mort's pharmacy?
Hi, Lois. Hi.
Look, Lois,
we were just trying to help Mort.
Peter, how could you do this?
You have a family.
Did you ever stop to think about us
before you did something that could
send you away to prison?
(SIGHS) For once, could you visit me in jail
and not criticize me?
Wait a minute.
This isn't Carvel, you lying bitch.
All right, that's enough.
Visiting time is over.
You know you guys
are gonna do time for this.
Come on, Joe.
You're really gonna put us away?
You think I want to do this?
You know how hard it's gonna be
for me to make new friends?
Hey, do you think Chris is old enough
to be my friend?
Old enough? Yes. But I wouldn't bark down
that alley, you frighten him.
He thinks you're a Transformer
that broke halfway through.
I get that a lot. I understand.
Look, Mort was in trouble.
We were just trying to help him out.
Well, insurance fraud is not the way
to help somebody out.
Listen, Joe, insurance agencies
are all scumbags.
- They deserve to get hurt.
- You don't decide that.
What you did is against the law.
It's easy for you, Joe.
You don't know what it's like to be
screwed over by an insurance company.
Oh, I don't, do I?
Well, let me tell you a little story.
It was hours after my accident.
I was barely conscious
on the operating table,
but l'll never forget
the phone call that changed my life.
Hello, l'm calling on behalf
of your policyholder, Joe Swanson.
He's badly injured his spine.
Well, there's a new procedure that,
ifadministered immediately,
should restore his ability to walk.
$200,000.
We also have a wheelchair.
$60.
Okay.
(IN DEEP TONE) They're going with
Those sons of bitches
made it about money.
Yeah, Joe. So, what do you say?
They didn't care about you.
Why should you care about them?
The thing is, you guys committed a crime.
And l've still got the evidence to prove it.
Too bad I lost it.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Message deleted.
Was that...
Was that supposed to mean something?
Yeah, l'm letting you guys go.
- Oh. Oh, well, that's great.
- Yeah, I didn't get that, either.
Yeah, why didn't you just say that?
I'm starting to regret erasing that message.
Too late, butt-face.
Have a great summer, Joe.
Peter, I don't understand
how they just let you out ofjail.
Yeah, Joe had all kinds of evidence
against you guys.
Seems like a huge miscarriage ofjustice.
I thought if you do something wrong,
you're supposed to get punished.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, Chris, not if you're white.
Well, now that l've wrapped
things up with you guys,
I better wrap things up
with my basement family.
Well, did you guys learn your lesson
about eating uncooked antelope?
(GRUNTING)
(HISSING)