Family Guy (1998–…): Season 10, Episode 14 - Be Careful What You Fish For - full transcript

Peter allows a friendly dolphin to move in with the family, but soon discovers that he's really a jerk. Meanwhile, Stewie asks for Brian's help in busting a negligent day care provider.

(SINGING) It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex an TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker

bringing you news
you heard four hours ago on the Internet.



Our top story,
a mishap in Quahog Harbor today.

That's right, Tom.

A ferry carrying a shipment of brand-new
Mercedes-Benzes from Germany

crashed and sank
just a few miles off our coast.

Thus far, the cars remain an the ocean floor

As the Germans
refuse to clean up the disaster.

The German Environmental Minister

called a press conference
to issue the following statement.

I see nothing! I know nothing!

Holy crap! Did you hear that, Lois?

All them fancy cars out there in the ocean
just free for the taking?

I'm gonna get me a Mercedes!

Peter, that may be
the stupidest idea you've ever had.

And you've had some pretty stupid ones.



Hi, there. Peter Griffin.

You know, a lot of us here at Family Guy
are, frankly, sickened by

the sorry state of education in this country
and how little you people read anymore.

So for this next cutaway,
we're gonna make you read it.

That's right, you heard me.

Do a little work once in a while,
instead of having everything spoon-fed.

You want your yuks, put in a little effort.

All right, go ahead.

Okay, that one
might have been more ofa visual,

but you feel that feeling you got right now?

That's satisfaction.
You just read something.

And no one can take that away from you.

Proud of you.

- Geez, you're a mess. What is that?
-lt was finger paint day.

What the hell? Why didn't they
clean you up before you left?

Brian, there's, like, 37 other kids in there.
One was in a drawer all day.

Wow, seems like Lois would've
checked that stuff out before sending you.

Yeah, you'd think so, right?

I mean, it's clearly not a place of business.
lt's someone's house.

You know, half the time
you can hear someone showering.

I mean, you never see them,
but you can hear the shower going.

Really? That seems weird.

Yeah, and is it normal that
Miss Emily tied us all to the sink

while she went out
to return a birthday present?

No, that's not normal at all.

You know, Stewie, maybe I should
come by tomorrow and check things out.

That teacher sounds really irresponsible.

She is. Adults are stupid.

The world would be so much better
if it were run by babies.

- TV ANNOUNCER: Tonight an NBC, "Shapes!"
- (COOING EXCITEDLY)

- And then, Colors!
- (COOING EXCITEDLY)

Followed by an all-new "Dad's Keys!"

(CHEERING)

Man, I can't wait to get a Mercedes.

- Me, either.
- Yeah, it's gonna be sweet.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

- What the hell is that?
- A sun hat.

- No, no, no, no, no.
- What do you mean, "no"?

L'm protecting my face and neck
from the sun.

Use sunscreen! You don't need to
put a circus on your head.

This is a ploy for attention.

Sunscreens are bad for you.
The chemicals get in your skin.

Boy, you really want to wear that hat.

- That hat's coming off!
- No!

(ALL GRUNTING)

You guys are jerks.

I can have my own identity
besides you two.

Not this way, not the hat way.

Holy crap! I think we got one!

Aw, damn it! lt's just a dolphin.

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) Sorry,
did I get in the way of something?

No, it's all right.

We were just trying to
get some of them sunken Mercedes.

Oh, yeah, there's a great big pile of them
down there.

Me and my mates, right,

we was having a laugh
sitting in of one of them,

pretending to be people. (CHUCKLES)

You know, like, driving around,
getting into incidents with other motorists.

Honk, honk.
"Stay out the way, you old bat!" Asian.

Not all Asians are bad drivers.

No, no, not all terrorists are Arab.

But, you know, they are, so...

Um... Well, l'm Peter,
and that's Joe, and that's Quagmire.

Name's Billy, Billy Finn.

It's got "fin" in it. I didn't pick it.
Luck of the draw. (CHUCKLES)

Say, you want me to try and get you
one of those cars from down there, yeah?

(GASPS) You would do that?

Well, I could try. Here, let me give it a go.

He seems nice.

- He does.
- Yeah.

So what do you have planned
for the summer?

I'm sure he'll be right back.

Sorry, mate, all I could get
was this hood ornament.

(GASPS) This is just as good!
Thank you so much!

Hey, you know, if there's ever
anything I could do for you...

Actually, you could do something.
You could eat only dolphin-safe tuna.

Wait, is that the brand
that costs five cents more?

No, I can't do that.

Things ain't so good in America right now,
which is why we're all so fat.

What did I tell you, Brian?
lt's a nightmare in here.

Oh, my God!

Oh, what happened to that kid?

He fell off a stool
trying to turn off Maury Povich.

- This is awful! Where's your teacher?
- Probably out back.

Excuse me. Are you Miss Emily?

Yeah. Hi. Who are you?

Uh, Brian. Brian Steel.
I was just dropping Stewie off.

Oh. yeah!

I should probably go back in there,
see how everyone's doing, I guess.

Ah, they're fine.
In fact, I see Stewie reading a book.

Scratch-and-sniff.
"Lindsay Laban Goes Jogging. "

- (SCRATCHING)
- (SNIFFS)

Oh, God! That's terrible!

Oh, here's a pop-up book.
"Tommy Lee Goes Boating. "

Move, Lois.
You're on the hood ornament's pillow.

Peter, put that away. lt's time for bed.

Wait, hang on, Lois. Before I go to bed,
I just got to do one thing.

(BEEPING)

- CARTER: Hello?
- Hey, Mr. Pewterschmidt? lt's me, Peter.

You remember how you said
l'd never amount to nothing?

(CLINKING)

- Is that a Mercedes?
- Peter, hang up the phone.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

My God, who could be at the door
at this hour?

I don't know, but this late,
it's got to be bad news.

Everyone knows you always get bad news
in the middle of the night.

- Wake up, wake up, wake up!
- Huh? What?

- You have cancer!
- What?

Yeah. I thought you should know.
Okay, go back to sleep.

- Wait, I have questions.
- (SIGHS)

lt's very late.

Oh, hello. This is the right house.
(CHUCKLES) That's good, then.

What the hell?

It's me, Billy. Billy Finn.

Just wanted to take you up
on your nice offer from earlier.

(STAMMERING) What... I don't... What offer?

(SNICKERS) You know, the bit about
"lf there's ever anything I can do..."

- So, yeah.
- Oh.

Yeah, thought I might
make a go of it on land.

So, anything you can ever do.
Here I am. Thank you.

Squid pro quo. (CHUCKLES)

Thank you for not being shellfish.
(GIGGLES)

I just said that for the halibut. (LAUGHS)

Fish puns.

Oh, cod.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, God, come on. (GRUNTS) Let me in.

Peter, who is it? Is Meg dead?

It's that dolphin.
I think he wants to crash here.

And I have no info on Meg.

He wants to what? I'm not sure that...

I brought a gift.

Put it to your ear. You can hear the ocean.

Caribbean Oueen
Now we 're sharing the same dream

- It's broken or something. All I hear is...
- It's Billy Ocean! (CACKLING)

Oh, God! I got loads more.

I think you and I
are gonna have a lot of fun together.

- So, Billy, I hope the couch was all right?
- Yeah, a lot better than the floor.

And I should know,
'cause I went down on the floor,

thinking it had to be
a lot better than the couch.

Okay, well, breakfast is ready.

Oh. Uh...

- Is everything all right?
- Yeah. Well, it's just...

Would you mind
tossing it up in the air for me?

- Well, I don't know...
- Lois, he is our guest. Toss it in the air.

Uh, l'm used to a little applause, so...

All right, all right. Not bad.

Afternoon crowd. Lightly attended.

So, Billy, how long
will you be staying with us?

Are you kidding? As long as he wants!

Yay! We live with a dolphin!

Correct, fatso.

Anyway, l'm off to read Meg's diary.

Only been here one night,
but I get the sense we all dislike Meg.

Um, l'm a dolphin, smart, intuitive.

Also, Peter told me in the hall.
(CHUCKLES)

Peter, l'm not so sure about
Billy staying here with us.

- What are you talking about? He's hilarious.
- I don't know.

Listen, just leave it to me.
l'm great with animals.

You remember
when I lived with those ants?

We're working on something.

Yes? May I help you?

Hey, put him down! Who are you?

I can't stop him! Can anyone stop him?
No? Well, he's gone.

Hey, Stewie. How's it going?

- Brian, what are you doing here?
- Came by to check on my pal.

- Where's Miss Emily?
- I haven't seen her yet today.

She gave me the keys to open up
when she left yesterday.

I thought you said
you were gonna talk to her.

I did, and she's doing her best, you know?

She's got a lot on her plate.
She's got school, she's got work.

This is her work!

Oh, hi, Brian.

I thought you had a busy day
at your legal practice.

(GROANS) Oh...

Hey. Emily!

Yeah, I had some time between cases.
I thought l'd see how you were doing.

That's so nice of you!

Let me just put these bags away and throw
some saltines in the yard for the kids.

You're disgusting.

Hey, l'm sorry, but Miss Emily and I have
a connection, which is totally unexpected.

And by the way, I actually think
she's doing a pretty good job.

She's teaching you guys independence.

We're one! Independence means we die!

- Do you like this? I just got it.
- Say you like it,

or she's gonna spend the rest of
the afternoon out returning that stuff.

Looks great!

Wow, you really fill these things up.

Hey, do you think maybe
you'd want to hang out sometime?

What, you mean like
a movie or something?

Yeah, or maybe lunch?

I had a bad experience
last time I went to the movies.

- We're good friends, aren't we, Milo?
- We're best friends, Otis.

No! No! I reject the premise of this!

- This place seems fun. What is it?
- This is called a library.

- And what's so great about it?
- (READER SHUSHES)

That.

See, we just got here, so they can shush us.

But now we get to shush
anyone who comes in after us.

Honey, you want to sit here?

(SHUSHING)

- (SHUSHING)
- Good.

- (WHISPERS) That was fun.
- Yeah. Now you're gettin' it.

(PANTING)

Stewie, what's going on?
Aren't you supposed to be at daycare?

- I escaped.
- What happened to your arm?

I finally stood up for all of us

and told Miss Emily
we should be given a proper lunch

and not just what's
left over from her Baja Fresh.

And she said I shouldn't raise my voice

and pulled me really hard
into the other room,

and my arm came out of its socket.

Are you sure?

Are you sure
you didn't just sleep on it funny?

Does this look like I slept on it funny?

- I'm gonna tell Mom. Mom!
- You are not going anywhere.

I finally have a date
with Miss Emily tomorrow,

and l'm not gonna let you or
anybody else get in my way

until I have seen every inch of her naked!

Do you even hear yourself?

And what am I supposed to do
about my arm?

I'll just pop it back in.

You most certainly will not.
I need to go to a hospital.

- LOIS: Brian, is Stewie in there with you?
- Mom!

We're in here, Lois. He's napping.

Relax. l'm gonna pop it back in.

(MUFFLED GRUNTING)

Get in there!

Hold still, Stewie!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(COUGHING)

l'm not saying I like pain,
but l'm not saying I don't like it, either.

Okay, who's ready for Family Movie Night?

All right, tonight's selection,
Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland in 3D.

Now let's all sit down
and take our headache.

Or we could watch The Cove.

The Cove?

Isn't that that horrible documentary
where they kill all the fish?

Dolphins, actually.

Well, yeah, but this has Johnny Depp as
some kind of very funny tea-drinking homo.

Come on, Peter. Billy's our guest.

(SIGHS) All right, we'll watch The Cave.

(MEN SHOUTING)

- Oh, my God!
- I don't want to see this!

I know you can't tell this,

but the one who's about to
get her throat cut, she's sorta hot.

(STUTTERS)

- What are you doing?
- What do you think l'm doing?

You're stoolin'?
What, you gotta do that in here?

Well, where else am I supposed to do it?
I can't just do it on the floor, can l?

You'd be all like, "Ooh, who left
this coil of rope on the floor?"

It comes out very ropey, is my point.

- But I gotta take a bath.
- Go on, then. We're both men.

Well, all right, I guess.

There you go! (HEARTY LAUGH)
Look at that! What is...

Whoa! Solar eclipse. Blocking the sun.
Do not look directly at it. (LAUGHS)

What the hell? What're you doin'?

L'm just making a comment.

Need to know summat.
Do you hear the word "morbidly" a lot?

- This is not fair.
- Okay. And again,

l'm gonna ask one more question,
and don't take this the wrong way,

- but have you actually got a penis?
- Yes.

- Where is it? Where is it?
- It's in there.

Are you sure?
So it's like Mr. Snuffleupagus, is it?

Aw, the hell with this.

Lois, get the ruler, we're measuring again.
And this time, I decide where the base is.

So then l'm reading the funnies,

and right before I get to the last panel,
Billy blurts out, he goes,

"You know, those firemen showed up
to get a cat out of the tree,

"but it turns out
it's really Marmaduke up there."

It ruined the whole damn thing!

Peter, in Billy's defense,
the strip is called Marmaduke,

and Marmaduke
had not yet made an appearance.

You probably should've seen that coming.

I tell ya, he was fun at first,

but now l'm not sure I can
take much more of him living here.

Well, Peter, you've more than
paid back your debt to him.

I mean, what did he do?
He got you a hood ornament.

If you ask me, it's time for him to go.

Yeah, you're right.
Plus, the sooner we get him out of here,

the sooner I can get back
to my cocaine and dollhouses.

(LOUD SNORT)

(TINKLING)

Dinner is served.

(SQUEALS EXCITEDLY)

Get out!

Hey, uh, listen, Billy,
it's been fun having you stay here,

but we really need to talk about
making some new arrangements.

Oh, do we?

Is this because there's some kind of
problem with the hood ornament?

- No, that's... lt's... That's... lt's fine.
- Good. Good. That's good to hear.

'Cause it dawned on me that the only thing
better than you having one of them

would be you having two of them.

Don't you say those things.

Don't you say those things
unless they're true.

Yeah? Be quite a thing for you
to have two of them, wouldn't it?

- Wouldn't it? (LAUGHS) Yes, it would.
- Would it ever?

- Wonderful!
- The best!

Very fancy!

Now, what was it
you wanted to talk to me about?

- Nothing. Nothing.
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Tricia Takanawa. What are you doing here?

Peter, l'm standing here on your front porch

hoping to kill that dolphin
with this harpoon.

(MAN SINGING)

So, the thing about dolphin lullabies
is that they're all in the key of

(LAUGHING)

E!

That's loud.

I get why that's factual.
I don't see why it's funny.

- Hey, hey! What the hell, man?
- Drink beer much? (LAUGHS)

I just learned that "much" thing
from the telly.

Hey, here's a question.
When are you going back to the ocean?

Yeah. I mean,
don't you have family back there?

I used to, but not anymore.

Um, the wife won't have me back.
Threw me out, actually.

Well, maybe you should talk to her.

Peter, believe me.
If she'd take me back, l'd go in a second.

But she won't.
So as much as I love her, moot point.

Moving on.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Well, gotta go and drain the eel.
lt's electric. (LAUGHING) My penis.

Hey. Throw darts much?

(LAUGHING)

Boy, I see what you're saying, Peter.
Billy's annoying.

Yeah, and PS,
that guy doesn't throw darts much.

He's new.

Peter, I thought you said
you were gonna ask Billy to leave.

He's still sleeping on the couch out there.

I know, Lois, but I found out he's only here
'cause his wife kicked him out.

So I figured out a way
to kill two birds with one stone.

- Like this.
- (CHIRPING)

The key to that, Lois,
is big rock, small birds.

Oh, and I also figured out how to
achieve two goals with one action.

See, l'm gonna help Billy
get back together with his wife,

and then he'll move out
and stop annoying us.

How do you plan to do that?

Are you kidding?
l'm great at getting people back together.

I even recorded a song about it.

(SINGING) Reunited and it feels so good

Doin' someone that you used to do

That's what this song's about

You could find someone else

But this seems a little easier
'cause you already have their number

Yeah, yeah

Hey, guys.
Everybody having fun playing with...

What is that?

A piece of wood with a nail in it. Neat.

He can't hear you.

There was a kitchen explosion today,
and half the kids are deaf.

- Oh, hi, Brian.
- Hey, Emily.

- Wow, you look great. You're ready to go?
- Yeah, one sec.

- I'm leaving, honey.
- Okay, babe, have fun.

I'm probably just gonna take
a couple more showers.

Who was that?

That's my boyfriend, Devin.
Are you ready for lunch?

What you did to these kids...

There is a special place in hell
for people like you.

Come on, let's go home.

STEWIE: Man, when she gets to jail,
she's gonna be major lez-chow.

BRIAN: She sure is, Stewie. She sure is.

I'm telling you, Peter,
you're wasting your time.

- She's never taking me back.
- Well, you'll never know until you try.

Hey, I brought this sack of garbage
from my home.

- Where do I put this, just anywhere?
- Yeah, anywhere.

Yay, people! All right, here she comes.

Ah! Oh, hello, Joanne.

Billy? What are you doing here?

He's here because he loves you,
and he wants to patch things up.

Hey, how come you ain't got boobs?
You, like, a runner or something?

- Who's this, then?
- He's just a friend trying to help.

(STERNLY) Look, Billy, I don't care
what you or your fat friend here has to say.

It's over.

(SIGHS)

Well, thanks for trying.
I knew she wouldn't listen to you, though.

Well, maybe so.
But I know someone she'll have to listen to.

Hey, gang, l'm Aquaman.
Get back together.

Boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop.

That's not Aquaman!
Billy, what is going on?

Let me answer that.

Look, Joanne,
Billy had nothing to do with this.

It was just a dumb plan
my buddies and I put together

because we know
how much Billy loves you.

And he misses you very much.
Look, just give him another chance.

And if you won't do it for me,
do it for Fish Jesus.

- Do you have Fish Jesus?
- Of course.

He was nailed to a board
and hung in a man's study

as a novelty to sing funny songs.

Your god is a gag gift. Did you know that?

Would you excuse us?

Is it true, Billy? Do you really miss me?

Joanne, I am so sorry.
I promise l'll do better.

You know what?

I had to live on the land to learn
there might be a million fish in the sea,

but there's only one you.

Oh, Billy.

Aw, look at that. That's nice.

Oh, cool, they're already using my garbage!

Hey, Brian, thanks for
helping get rid of Miss Emily.

Although, l've got to say,
my new preschool teacher is even hotter.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Let me know if you want his number.
- Oh, you!

Okay, now just stay like this
and let Peter and Lois finish their thing.

Peter, you did a really nice thing helping
Billy get back together with his wife.

Yeah, and the best part is
he's out of the house and back in the ocean.

I guess everything
worked out for everybody.

Arr! 'Tis a mighty haul!

- Hey.
- Oh.

Yeah, it's me as Neptune.