Family Guy (1998–…): Season 10, Episode 13 - Tom Tucker: The Man and His Dream - full transcript

Tom Tucker revives his acting career, with Peter as his agent; Chris starts dating a girl who looks exactly like Lois.

(SINGING) It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex an TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker,
and the reason I'm wearing this mask

is because we 've got a Make-A-Wish kid
in the studio tonight,



who, as you'll find out as the show goes on,
is quite a cougher.

In local news,
Mayor West signed a bill today...

- (COUGHS)
- See? That's whatl was talking about.

(COUGHING)

Are we gonna get that,
or are we gonna wait for commercial?

No, no, you ha ve to spray it.
You can 't just wipe...

Look, you know what?
Let's just throw the whole camera out.

Okay, Joyce, you talk now.
I don't even want to open my mouth.

You know, Tom,
I haven't seen you in a mask

since you went under the stage name
George P. Wilbur.

(CHUCKLES) Joyce, you know
we don't talk about that an the air.

Oh, my God!

Did she just say

that George P. Wilbur
was Tom Tucker's stage name?



Who the hell is George P. Wilbur?

That's the guy who played
Michael Myers in Halloween 4,

the greatest movie of all time.

I've only seen that movie
about a thousand times.

How could I not have noticed that?

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

(SCREAMING)

(SOBBING)

TOM: Good evening, I'm Michael Myers.

I have enormous psychological problems,
and I'm going to take them out an you.

It is him. I can't believe it.
I mean, that's, like, my favorite movie ever!

I thought The Flintstones in Viva Rock
Vegas was your favorite movie.

No, that's my favorite period piece.

Well, that and Good Night, and Good Luck.

Even though I was tricked
into leaving early.

Good night, and good luck.

And good night and good luck to you, sir.

Oh, hi, Chris. How was school?

It was great. I met a girl, Mom!

That's wonderful, honey.

Yeah, her name is Lindsey, like the state.

Is she nice?

Yeah, she's really nice and super pretty,

And her bicycle seat
smells like strawberries.

Oh, okay.

I'm gonna go upstairs and alternate

between hopeful excitement
and suicidal pessimism!

(SIGHS) Got to get the energy up.

(GUN COCKING)

Found it.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hey, excuse me, Mr. Tucker.
You got a second?

Oh, hello, Peter. Sure, come on in.

Thanks. Hey, listen,
I just found out that you were the guy

who played Michael Myers in Halloween 4,

And I just want to say I think that was
the most brilliant performance ever

in the history of everything,

and I wanted to see
if you would sign my DVD.

Oh, I suppose.

Thanks. Hey, so, what happened?
How come you never did any more movies?

Well, I tried to make a career
out there in Hollywood,

but I just didn't realize how tough acting is.

Well, you know what they say,
"Tough Actin' Tinactin."

I wish I'd known that then.

You see, life after Halloween 4
wasn't exactly smooth sailing.

Once I stepped out from behind that mask,
Hollywood gave me the cold shoulder.

The work I did manage to get was usually
just bit parts that didn 't last too long.

Like the role of Denise's boyfriend
on "The Cosby Show."

It's nice to meet you, Martin.

Thank you, Mrs. Huxtable.

So, if you guys are a family,

Why are none of you
the same shade of black?

I was also colred out of my skull
most of the time.

But whatever the case, I was done.

I left Hollywood, moved back
to my hometown of Quahog,

And wound up working here
as a news anchor.

Wow. Well, don't you miss it?

Every second of every day,
but I can't touch coke again.

It would ruin my life.

- No, I mean acting.
- Oh, of course.

But it's over for me. That's all in the past.

Well, if you ask me,
you got the makings of a star.

And I want to help you get there.

Well, that's a nice offer, but l'm not
quite sure how you expect to do that.

Well, you've brought me
so much joy over the years

as that lovable murderer of teenagers,
and I want to return the favor.

I don't even have an agent anymore.

Well, then how about this?

- I'll be your agent.
- You?

Yeah, l've seen every episode of Entourage.

All you need is some fake hair

And a bunch of hobbits hanging around you.

You're on in five minutes, Mr. Tucker.

You don't belong here.
You're better than this.

You're Halloween 4 better.

Look, I appreciate your offer,
but l've got a pretty good thing going here.

In a few minutes, I've got to be
on camera in front of 800 people.

Good evening, Quahog. I'm Tom Tucker.
Our top story tonight,

The Rhode Island Historical Society
is heralding the arrival

of a cast-iron, oak-handled
Colonial bed sheet warmer,

now on display in the State House rotunda.

Okay, there it is.

As I understandit,
they would put the coal inside of that,

and then put the object
between the sheets.

It was very cold back then.

And it would warm the sheets.

And I think that's the gist of it.

How much footage of this do we have?

Oh, this is live. Can she hear me?

Okay, you can put it down now.
She can 't hear me. Okay.

What the hell is going an here?
ls it... ls it... Am I having a stroke?

Wait, Peter! Don't go!

So, you changed your mind, huh, buddy?
We going to Hollywood?

You betcha. But I have to say,
I thought you'd drive a fancier car.

What? Why?

Well, aren't you the Peter Griffin
of Peter Griffin Cadillac?

No, that's another guy.

Hi. I'm Peter Griffin,
and at Peter Griffin Cadillac,

we believe in three things,
fair dealing, family, and friendship.

I've lived in Quahog my whole life.
I love it here.

And you're gonna love
a Peter Griffin Cadillac.

Scumbag.

All right, Lois, remember to feed the cat,
and remember to get a cat.

I still don't understand why
you got to go all the way to Hollywood.

Because I know Tom Tucker
could be a great actor,

and l'm gonna help him make it happen.

You see, everybody needs just one person
to believe in their dreams

so they can spread their wings and fly.

Dad, can I have money for dance classes?

Sit down, you dumpy bread loaf.
I'd pay to see you not dance.

- When will you be back?
- I don't know.

But I'll be sure to be back before
Chris' big dance class recital.

I believe in that boy.

- I don't want to dance!
- You'll dance!

Boy, I don't know, Peter, being back
out here makes me kind of nervous.

Maybe this was all a mistake.

Don't be silly, Tom. You're an actor,
and this is where you belong.

Now, let's take some of this
complimentary luggage and get going.

- Well, so, how do we do this?
- You do nothing.

You just sit back and let your agent
knock on every door in Hollywood

till he gets you an acting job.

And that starts right now.

Yes? Can I help you?

No, but I can help you.
You need to hire this man.

Oh, um, okay. Well, do you have any
experience handling bags?

A-ha! I see! Typical casting couch stuff.

All right, kid, you want to make it
in showbiz or don't you?

(BOTH GRUNT)

I thought the airport was Hollywood.

Hey, Mom, I want you
to meet my new girlfriend.

New girlfriend?

Yeah, you remember that girl Lindsey
I told you about?

Well, I asked her out,
and now we are dating.

Lindsey, this is my mom,
my little brother Stewie and my dog Brian.

Hey.

Oh, my God.

My goodness, look at you.
Do you even realize who you look like?

Cameron Diaz, that's who.
You are gorgeous!

Well, she's awful pretty. I know that, Mom.

Very pretty. Stunning.

Are you kidding me?
Are they not seeing this?

I know, it's kind of creepy.
It's almost like he's dating Lois.

Yeah. Looks like somebody's getting
a little Oedipussy.

- Can we say that?
- Just did.

All right, Tom, what better way
to relaunch your showbiz career

Than getting inspired by the names
on the Hollywood Walk of Fame?

Ah, look at them all!

Tilson Jennings, Vilma Bánky.

There's Chester Conklin, Ona Munson.

Ralph Staub, Henry B. Walthall.

Who the fuck are these people?

(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

All right, Tom, this is totally gonna work.

All the biggest Hollywood players eat here,

and we just got to make them think
we're one of them.

That's why I got these
old Hollywood Jew glasses.

Waiter! Oh, waiter!

Yes, sir. Are you gentlemen ready to order?

Yes, I will have the Big and Fancy,

And my client here will have
a bottle of your best steak.

Right away, sir.

Peter, l'm not sure what any of this
has to do with getting me acting jobs.

- Tom, who's the agent here?
- You are.

- And who is the actor?
- Well, I am.

- Wait, which one am I, again?
- The agent.

- And who's paying for dinner?
- I assumed you were.

Ah, then we best load our pockets
with bread and get the hell out of here.

We have to go! Not expensive enough!

Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice
your glasses, your poor table manners,

and your huge sense of entitlement.

- Are you an agent?
- I am.

You've got 10 seconds to dazzle me. Go!

Well, I'm the casting director for NCIS,

and we need an actor
for a small role that shoots tomorrow.

This is your man.

That's great!
He's got just the look we're after.

Show up here at 10:00 a.m. tomorrow.

How about that, huh, Tom?
You're back in the business.

Wow, Peter, I can't believe it!

Hey, don't be so surprised. I've been
pounding the pavement for you, buddy.

I even gave out all my business cards.

Call me! Call me! Call me! Call me!
Call me! Call me! Call me!

Ah, show business.

Hi, you two.

You know, Lindsey,
I just want to say how nice it is

to have such a beautiful young woman
in our home.

Oh, a baby. I almost had one of you twice.

(LAUGHING) Who didn't, right?
So, what are you two up to tonight?

Well, we really haven't decided yet.

Eh, I'll think of something while l'm taking
a chick dump in your parents' bathroom.

And I will hold your purse.

Good for Chris, huh?
He picked a peach, didn't he?

Didn't he pick a peach, Brian?

(STAMMERING) Yeah, I don't know.

What's not to know, she's terrific.

Lois, don't you think maybe
part of the reason you like Lindsey

could be because she looks
so much like you?

(LAUGHS) What?
What are you talking about?

Come on, she's clearly an awful person.

And I think it's possible that your vanity
has made you a little blind to that.

Oh, I see what's going on here,
you're jealous.

Chris has a wonderful young woman
in his life, and you've got nothing.

She's kind of right, Brian.

All you've got is a worn-out rope toy

And that squirrel who comes by
once a day to taunt you.

(LEAVES RUSTLING)

Hey! Hey, get out of here! This is our yard!

You don't belong there!
Don't you touch anything!

I told you all this yesterday!

To your first big TV acting job.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to "NCIS."

Oh, here it is. Here comes my part.

(MACHINE WHIRRING)

Excuse me. I'm looking for Ed Manzelli.

Good evening, I'm Ed Manzelli.
What can I do for you?

I'm looking for a guy
who used to work here.

Name's Mario.
Got any idea where he could be?

I haven't seen him in over a month.

That's the end of my line. Your line, "NCIS."

You son of a bitch, you made me feel again.

Oh, don't you go, 'cause l'll go.

You know, Peter, I just want to thank you
for all you've done for me.

You are one hell of an agent.

Well, with you as a client, it's easy.

- (ON INTERCOM) Mr. Griffin?
- Yes, Sandra?

- You have a secretary?
- She calls herselfan assistant, but yes.

What is it, Sandra?

There's a man here to see you.

He says he wants to talk to you
about being his agent.

Really? Well, then,
by all means, send him in!

Hey, knucklebutts!

BOTH: (GASPING) James Woods?

(STAMMERS) But I don't understand!

I thought you were dead!

- Well, (CHUCKLES) I'm not.
- I don't believe you.

God, is that true? God?

God, are you there?

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON HEADPHONES)

Come on, don't touch yourself. You're God.

I don't get it. Last time we saw you,

Diane Simmons had just stabbed you
in the back with a knife.

Yeah! How the hell
did you come back to life?

Well, gentlemen, sometimes being
a big Hollywood star has its advantages.

Hey, is this guy somebody?

Yeah, that's James Woods!

We got a celebrity here!
I repeat, this is not a normal dead person!

This is a celebrity!

WOODS: Beings famous movie star
entitled me to top-notch medical care

not a vailable to the rest of society.

My body was immediately taken
to a Hollywood hospital,

where I was hooked up
to a 17-year-old ingenue.

And in accordance with Hollywood law,

Her life force was infused into me,
bringing me back from the dead.

TOM: What happened to the girl?

WOODS: I threw her out a car window
at Nora Ephron.

- (GRUNTS)
- Stop making Jack Nicholson a homo!

- You're thinking of Nancy Meyers!
- WOODS: You're the same thing!

Wow. That's amazing.

So, what do you say, Peter?
Will you be my agent?

I don't get it. Why would a big shot like you
want me for an agent?

Because you're an up-and-comer,
because you're hungry.

I am hungry.

But you put me and my family
through a lot of crap over the years.

- Why would I want to help you?
- Well, because you're my agent.

Oh, my God, you're right! lam!

Hey, hold on now.
You came out here to be my agent.

Tom, relax, I can take care of you both.

You'd be surprised how much I can handle.

Peter, I need you
to drop Stewie offat day care,

and then shred this
big stack of old bank statements.

You got it, Lois.

Is he always this quiet?

So, Kevin made another attempt
on his life last night.

He drank two bottles of dish soap.

Well, we have some news, too.
Chris is dating the most wonderful girl.

You know, everyone said,
"Don't smoke during your pregnancy,"

but I think some of it rubbed off on him
'cause now he's cool.

That's nice. Well, I should go, Lois.

Yeah, I should probably get going myself.

Oh, my God!

What? What is it, Lois?

That girl over there, that's Chris' girlfriend!

Hey, you know,
she kind of looks like you, Lois.

Maybe she'll thank me
for buying the coffee.

You think she looks like me, too?

Oh, my God.
l'm starting to think Brian was right.

Maybe I have been blinded
by my own stupid vanity.

That girl is nothing but trouble.

Are you gonna tell Chris?

I guess I'll have to,
but he doesn't take bad news very well.

Oh, Chris, honey, I'm so sorry
to tell you this, but your grandfather died.

(HISSING)

(SCREAMING)

All right, gentlemen.
So, what do you got for my client?

Well, we're making a mediocre action film,
and we think James is just the guy

to do a serviceable job
in a supporting role that Jeremy Irons,

Jeff Goldblum and Craig T. Nelson
have already passed on.

Well, we'd need to see a script first.

Looks good. What do you think, James?

- I like it.
- Good. I say we move on this.

All right, then, let's negotiate.
We want everything.

- We'll give you nothing.
- We want something.

Deal.

(PHONE RINGING)

Ugh, not this hillbilly
from Rhode Island again. No, thank you.

(ON VOICEMAIL)
This is Peter Griffin, famous agent,

but you can call me PG-13.

- Ba-boom! Leave a message.
- (BEEP)

Hi, Peter, it's Tom.
Just trying to reach you again.

And, you know, about that meeting
you set up with me and Heath Ledger,

he never showed.

Maybe I was at the wrong Panda Express,
but I... Anyway, call me back.

Hey, listen,
thanks for inviting me to lunch, Peter.

I was starting to get nervous
when you weren't returning my calls.

Tom, I didn't know how to say this to you,
so, here, take this piece of paper.

And you're on in four, three, two...

"Peter Griffin drops Tom Tucker
as a client."

You're dropping me as a client?

Yeah, I just heard it on the news.

How could you do this?

Look, it's a whole different landscape
out here since Thursday.

Everything's on computers now.

Peter, I left a very good job for this!

You're the only reason
I came back out here!

I wish I could help you, Tom,
but this is coming from upstairs.

The karate studio?

Tom, I have to go now.

But if you're ever Kevin James,
I want you to give me a call.

(VIBRATING)

Hello?

- Peter, it's me, Woodsy! I need a favor.
- (POP MUSIC PLAYING)

What? lt's, like, 2:00 a.m.

Yeah, so listen, l'm at Chateau Marmont.
ljust met this 18-year-old chick,

and I can't decide
whether to take her home

or keep doing blow with Tom Sizemore
and see if I can do better later in the night.

Well, okay. Do you love her?

What? Look, I'm texting you her picture.
Just tell me if you think she's hot enough.

(BEEPING)

What is this a picture of?
Is that the bottom ofa white pumpkin?

Is she hot or not?

- I guess.
- Okay, good, great.

So clear out of your apartment,
we're gonna be there in 15.

What? l'm sleeping.
Why can't you bring her to your place?

I don't know, man.
lt's my aunt's daughter. lt's weird.

Chris, honey, there's something
I want to talk to you about.

Why, sure, Mom. Come on in.

- Chris, you know your girlfriend, Lindsey?
- Yeah?

Well, honey,
I saw her making out with another boy.

Was she kissing with her mouth,
or her pants-mouth?

Because she does both.

Chris, I can't believe you knew about this!
That's terrible!

Why would you even date a girl like that?

Well, because I thought she'd be like you.

Like me?

Well, you got to admit, Mom,
she does look a lot like you.

I mean, I just look at you and Dad,
you know?

He's a complete train wreck,
and you put up with him.

And l'm no prize myself.

So, I guess I figured
ifl don't find a girl just like you,

I might never find anyone.

Oh, Chris, of course you'll find someone.
And you are a prize.

You're a handsome,
kind-hearted young man,

and any girl would be lucky
to have you in her life.

- You really think so?
- Of course I do, sweetheart.

Thanks, Mom.

Now l'm gonna take the child filter
off the computer,

and I want you to have a fun night.

Okay, this is it, James.
I got your next project right here.

Peter, you've pitched me
dozens of projects,

and all of them involve me
playing a hayride driver.

I don't know, I just see you doing that.

You know, this year, it's vampires,
next year, it's hay.

These things go in cycles.

Peter, this is probably
a good time to fire you.

- What?
- Come on, Peter, who are we kidding?

You're a one-man operation.
You know me, I need a whole crew.

I need a drugs guy,
a girls guy, a fitness guy,

"a guy with a boat who can dump stuff
way out there" kind of guy.

But you're my only client!
Without you, l'm ruined!

Well, that's show business.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to answer this fake phone call.

Hello? Grimace from McDonald's?
Sorry, Peter, I got to take this.

No, I understand.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

- Hey, Tom. How you doing?
- What do you want?

James Woods fired me.

Listen, l've been thinking.
I was a real jerk to you.

I dragged you out here, only to dump you
when you needed me the most.

I guess what l'm saying is
I'm really sorry about everything.

Sorry doesn't cut it, Peter.

I quit my job, I left everything behind
to come out here.

I know, but I was just trying to help.
I never wanted to let you down.

Well, I suppose your only crime
is that you believed in me.

And then stopped believing in me
rather abruptly.

So what do you say? You ready to go back
to where we both belong?

- Yup. Let's go home.
- Sounds good.

Hey, check out this picture
James Woods texted me.

What is that? A balloon running out ofair?

Yeah, see, I was hoping you would know.

It's his cousin's anus.

Good evening, Quahog. I'm Tom Tucker.

And I'm Joyce Kinney.

Tom, I think I speak for all of us here
at Channel Five News

when I say it's good to ha ve you back here
at half your original salary.

Still twice yours, Joyce.

Our top story tonight, 0uahog's first
organic supermarket opens this weekend.

So head an down before the gays
turn it into a cruising ground

like they did the Barnes A'! Noble upstairs
coffee bar, which they had to close.

Well, l'm just happy Tom got his job back.

But l'm sorry I missed
meeting your girlfriend, Chris.

That's okay, Dad.

Yeah, Chris, I never asked you.

What did Lindsey say
when you broke up with her?

She didn't seem to mind. I think
she already moved on to someone else.

Thanks for buying me these clothes, Glenn.

You're welcome. And you're dismissed.

Do I still get to keep the 20?