Family Guy (1998–…): Season 10, Episode 12 - Livin' on a Prayer - full transcript

Ow!

There's a rock right there!

There's a huge rock right there,

and it's covered up by grass

and there's no way
you can see it.

And I got lucky. But someone
else could hurt themselves,

and, and a small cut is a, is a
death sentence in these times,

so let's just, you know,
let's...

let's get these rocks out
of here.

* Family Guy 10x12 *
Livin' on a Prayer
Original Air Date on January 29, 2012

== sync, corrected by elderman ==



# There's a fuzzy bunny
rabbit on the train #

# There's a fuzzy bunny rabbit
on the train #

# And he's wiggling his nose
and his little bunny ts #

# There's a fuzzy bunny rabbit
on the train. #

Okay, what else we got
on that train?

- A kitty cat.
- A doggy.

Kevin Smith 'cause he's too fat
to ride a plane!

Okay, I heard kitty cat.

# Oh... there's a kitty cat
a-riding on the train #

God, you know,
I don't know why

this guy's wife isn't here
watching this stuff.

If I were her,
I'd be here every show.

# There's a kitty cat
a-riding on the train. #

Thanks, everybody.
See you next week.



Yay! He's a good singer.

Yeah, I've been catching
his library shows

since there were only, like,
three or four kids here.

You should have been here, man.
Those were the shows.

Oh, looks like
somebody made a friend.

I know.
Aren't they cute together?

Adorable. I'm Lois.

Hi, I'm Hope.

Any relation
to Bob Hope?

I'm kidding!

I'm kind of known for having
a twisted sense of humor.

Oh, don't worry, I watch
Regis and Kelly. I can handle it.

Oh, so, you know.

This is my husband Ben.

Hi, glad to know you.

Gosh, you know,
our little Scotty seems

to be having such a good time
with your son.

Would you be interested

in getting them together
for a playdate?

Oh, that sounds
like a wonderful idea.

Look at them.
They're getting along

like Billy Bob Thornton
and his cat.

Billy Bob?

Leave me alone!
I'm taking a bath!

Stewie, do you want to be
the Autobots or the Decepticons?

What's with all
these labels, man?

Autobots, Decepticons,
gay, straight--

just pick a few robots,
and let's party.

Hey, what's
going on in here?

Oh, hello, Brian.
We're playing Transformers.

Oh, cool.
Who's this little guy?

It's my new friend, Scotty.

- Do you mind? We're busy.
- Oh.

Hi, doggie.
You want to play with us?

Scotty, Scotty, it's fine.
It's fine.

You don't have to.
He doesn't know Transformers.

Yeah, actually,
I-I'd love to play.

Wh-Who should I be?
Should I be one of these guys?

I-I'll be this guy.
Who's this guy, huh?

What's this guy's story?

That's Optimus Prime. You can't be him.
Scotty's Optimus Prime.

Oh, all right. Well, I'll be, I'll be
this guy. How about this guy?

What was that?
Did you just growl?

What robot growls?
That's Starscream.

He's a Decepticon. I'm the Decepticons.
Look, why don't you just beat it?

All right, all right, relax. I'll...
I'll just, I'll be this guy over here.

That's He-Man.
We're playing Transformers.

Well, maybe this is the one
where He-Man visits.

Brian, how is He-Man
supposed to get to Cybertron?

Hey, "Up, up,
and away," right?

He-Man doesn't fly.

Look, why are you being such a dick
about this? I'm just trying to join in.

Yeah, you don't know what
you're talking about, okay?

You sound like...
That's not fair.

I think I'm doing
pretty well.

No, you don't know
the characters, Brian.

You don't know
the characters.

If you could hear
yourself right now,

you would not stop
throwing up.

You can't just put He-Man

in Transformers'
world, all right?

He wouldn't be able
to get to Cybertron

because he lives in Eternia,
and Eternia is in

an entirely
different dimension.

He can just take
his rocket ship.

Get... get out of here.

- We now return to The Post
- "Roe vs. Wade"Brady Bunch.

Greg! Marcia! Get down here!

Oh, you two are such a handful!

Oh, I'm getting
some steam.

Picking up steam
here, Scotty.

You'd better look out.

I don't feel so well.

Uh, kind of bad timing,
but gin.

Hey, Lois, that
not-Stewie kid fell over!

Oh, my God,
he's unconscious!

Peter, what happened?!

Eh, you know me, Lois,
I don't pry.

Peter, he's not moving!

We gotta get him
to the hospital!

You got it, Lois!
To the Peter-rang!

Just for the record,

I was at the hospital
for a brief moment.

Mrs. Griffin,
it's a good thing

you brought this child in.

Why? Is he okay?

I'm afraid
he's very sick.

In fact, his lab-work
shows he is suffering

from Hodgkin's lymphoma.

Oh, my God! Are you saying
Scotty has cancer?!

I don't know, I didn't
read the whole Wikipedia entry,

but the good news is that what
he has is highly treatable

with radiation first,

and if necessary,
chemotherapy.

Oh, for God's sake.

Look, do you have any idea
how expensive medical school is?

No, I don't.

Well, it's probably
pretty expensive.

Lois! We came as soon
as we got your call.

Oh, Hope, Ben,

I'm so sorry to have
to tell you this,

but Scotty has...

Cancer. We know.

You do?

Yes, we're aware
of his condition.

But you shouldn't have
brought him to the hospital

without talking to us first.

Why wouldn't we bring him?
He was unconscious.

He clearly
needed treatment.

Oh, no, he doesn't
receive treatment.

What?!

We're Christian Scientists.

We don't accept medical care
for ourselves,

and we don't permit it
for our children.

But your son
has cancer!

Wait a minute.
Christian Science.

Is that, is that
that thing

all them gaybo
Hollywood actors do

to keep their stuff away
from other guys' butts?

Don't you understand?
Scotty needs help.

And he'll get it...
through faith.

That's right.

We will heal him
with the power of prayer.

Y-You can't just let them
just walk out of here!

Oh, I think
they'll be back.

- Are those their keys?
- No, they're my keys.

And they said because
of their faith,

they don't believe
in medicine.

Mom, I think there's a lot
of religions that do that.

Well, that may be, Meg, but that
poor little baby has cancer,

and they're just gonna take him
home and pray over him?!

Well, that's what they do.

They believe that disease
is just an illusion.

And the only way to fight it
is to make your faith stronger.

Illusions?! You want to
talk about illusions?!

If you die tomorrow,

you think we're gonna be devastated!
But you know what?!

We're just gonna go out
and buy another dog!

And maybe this dog
will fetch a stick

and bring me my slippers
instead of prattling on

about the pros and cons
of various religions!

Chris, I think you've had
too much sugar cereal.

I think I haven't had enough!

Peter, I have to go talk
to the Jennings

and ask them to reconsider
getting treatment for Scotty.

- I'm going with you, Lois.
- Yeah, I'll go, too.

All right, but try
to keep your mouth shut, okay?

You have a habit
of saying the wrong thing.

During his 22-year reign,

this French monarch known
as "The Spider King" had

an ongoing feud with Charles
the Bold, Duke of Burgundy.

Peter?

Who was King Louis XII?

Ooh, I'm sorry, Peter, we were
looking for King Louis XI.

Ah, damn it, I knew that!

Ah, well ***
me in the ***

with a big, black ***

King Louis XI.

Tim, select.

Oh, Lois, Peter,
come on in.

We were just praying
for Scotty's recovery.

If you'd like,
you can join us.

Well, that's what we wanted
to talk to you about.

You'd better not just have
church toys.

Look, I don't mean to question
your religious beliefs,

but as a mother,
I just can't bear the thought

of little Scotty
not getting the help he needs.

You really needn't worry, Lois.

Scotty will get all
the help he needs.

From where?

From here.

Science and Health with Key
to the Scriptures

by Mary Baker Eddy?

Let me see that.

This is your god?! A woman?!

Well, she's the founder
of our faith.

Oh, really? So with this book
from the 1800s,

you can pray away paralysis
or terminal illness?

Yes, we would pray for
anyone who's afflicted.

Well, then I'll tell you who you
should really be praying for.

Out-of-work clowns.

I need 40.

Ben, Hope, please,

I just want to do anything
I can to help your son.

Well, you can, Lois.
Stay and pray with us.

I think you'll find
that with God's love

and a true belief,

all manner of miracles
are possible.

Look, I'm a churchgoer, too,

but sometimes prayer
isn't enough.

He needs professional
medical care.

You know, Lois, this couch
would be perfect

for one of your red wine
pass-outs.

Look, we appreciate your concern,
Lois, but Scotty is our son,

and we have to tend
to him as we see fit.

But your son is sick!
He needs help!

Um, does your god also not
believe in

putting out snacks
for the guests?

Come on, Lois. I think
we're wasting our time here.

They're obviously very committed
to their beliefs.

But their beliefs
are crazy, Brian.

I don't know
who's crazier--

these people or those
Seventh-Day Adventists.

I'm a Methodist.

We believe that
the Lord is our Savior,

and we remember Him by going to church
and praising Him every Sunday.

I'm a Seventh-Day
Adventist.

We believe all the same
things that you believe,

but we go to church
on Saturdays.

What...?!

Ga-ga-ga-ga-gahh!

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Hoo-hoo! Hoo-hoo!
Hoo-hoo! Hoo-hoo!

I know it's
frustrating, Lois,

but the fact is,
there are no laws that say

those people have to take
their child to the doctor.

How can that be?

Children are citizens, too.
They should have rights.

Well, it's
a tricky area, Lois.

You could file a suit,
but that could take months,

and even then,
there's no guarantee

the court wouldn't support
the parents' right

to practice their religion.

How could we live in
a country that would allow

a sick child to die?

Look, this country was founded
by people who came here

to escape
religious persecution.

They made sure we all had
a right to religious freedom,

and it's my job
to protect that.

So there's nothing
we can do?

You could contribute
to the Policeman's Ball.

What?!

What does that have
to do with a sick child?

Look, it's
a nice night out,

you're eating
at a fancy buffet,

the captain does
his Al Pacino...

Joe, we're really more
of a Fireman's Ball family.

Oh, yeah? Are the firemen gonna
come and put out the rape?!

Peter, we can't
let this happen.

I-I mean, we're parents.

What if this was
one of our kids?

It's too bad we're
not the A-Team.

'cause then we could just go
in there and steal that kid.

I don't know
about that, Peter.

Kidnapping is
against the law.

It's too bad we're
not Taken from Taken.

Then I could dip my
head in brown paint

and galumph around Europe
looking for my hot daughter.

Although is it any worse
than what they're doing?

They're letting a kid die.

It's too bad we're
not Dragonheart.

Then we could just fly
around on a dragon

and forget
about all this.

You know what?

That's exactly
what we should do.

What? What the hell are
you talking about?

I'm talking about
us going in there

and taking that kid
and getting him some help.

I mean, I know it's wrong,

but it's better than
just letting him die.

Hey, that's not
a bad idea.

It's like we're doing
a public service.

Like those idiots who get
together to paint a school.

This underachieving,
crime-ridden school

is now fawn beige,

thanks to guilty white people
with no weekend plans!

Yay!

Peter, what the hell?
Where's your ski mask?

It's kind of hard to
breathe in those things,

so I just dressed up
like Harry Potter.

All right, let's go.

Lois, if anything
should happen to us,

I want you to know, I haven't
been happy for a long time.

Yes, Peter, you've
told me that, like, ten times.

All right,
all the lights are out.

They must be asleep.

It's go time.

Peter, what the
hell was that?

That's what you do, Lois.

Okay, now,
take this walkie-talkie

and confirm that I'm at
the various checkpoints.

Oh. Okay.

"Peter up on a telephone pole"?

Check.

"Peter cutting the wires
to the alarm"?

Check.

"Sexy Peter

distracting the guards"?

Check.

Hello, boys.

Come up and have sex
with me some time.

"Van full of Peters
who all have stern faces

because they're about
to pull off a heist"?

Check.

"Upside-down Peter who isn't
revealed to be upside-down

until the camera spins around
and shows that he is"?

Check.

"Peter in an open airplane door

slapping other Peters on the
back as they parachute out"?

Go, go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go!

Check!

"Super gymnastic Asian Peter

contorted into a box that will
be delivered into the house"?

Hai!

"Peter who hasn't answered

because something has gone
terribly wrong"?

Peter? Peter, are you there?

Now, let's go get that kid.

Okay, he's in the
left upstairs bedroom.

All right, you keep the car
going in case there's trouble.

All right,
I got him, Lois.

Peter, what the--
that's not Scotty! That's Ben!

Oh. Well, you know, we ain't
known this family that long.

I'm still learning
everybody's names.

Damn it, put him back and
go get Scotty, the baby!

Okay, so I'll go get the baby,
and while I'm doing that,

maybe you do something
about that snatchy tone.

Lois, is this the right one?!

Shh! Peter!

Yes. Now, come on.

What was that?

I don't know. It came
from Scotty's room.

All right, we did it!

Yes! We got the kid
and the treasure.

Peter, there's
no treasure.

Oh, well, never mind, then.

We now return to One-Hour

Crime Show Where the Murderer

is the Most Famous Person
in the Credits.

I think you're gonna want
to take a look at this.

What do we got?

Looks like somebody
had a rough night out.

Boy, you can
say that again.

Better get the
coroner down here.

He's still got his watch
and his wallet.

Guess that rules out robbery.

Stabbed 17 times
in the chest;

I'd say the murderer knew
the victim intimately.

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker
with some breaking news.

A local kidnapping
has rocked Quahog tonight.

"Rocked Quahog"? Really?

The whole town is r--

The family maybe... is rocked.

But the whole--
All right, well, in any event,

we now go live to Asian reporter
Tricia Takanawa.

Let's see how much
she's "rocked" by all this.

Tricia?

Tom, I'm standing here
with Mayor Adam West,

with the latest information
about the disappearance

of young Scotty Jennings.

What can you tell us,
Mr. Mayor?

Please, Mr. Mayor
is my father.

Call me John Mayor.

Your body is a
wonderland, by the way.

What is the city doing
to help rescue the missing boy?

Well, we're looking
for this child

using all the latest technology,
including the newest,

most advanced
multimedia milk cartons.

Help me!
I'm missing!

Help!

Why are you still
eating breakfast?!

I'm kidnapped!

Why are you turning me
the other way?!

I'm still here!

Scotty Jennings?

Oh, my God!

I know she was upset,
but do you think

Lois would've gone
so far as to kidnap him?

Of course she did.

She'll do anything
for attention.

I know.

She's like the boy
who cried wolf.

Wolf, wolf!

Did you hear that?

Somebody needs help!
Let's go!

Oh, my God, Charles!

Oh, my God,
I'll run and get help.

No, no, we've got
to carry him!

We can't leave him
here; there's a wolf!

Um, there's not
really a wolf.

What?!

Tell my kids I love 'em.

Charlie! Charlie!

This was so funny in my head
when I planned it.

Don't you worry, Scotty.

We're gonna get you
to the hospital

and get you the medical
attention you need.

Yeah, hang in
there, buddy.

When this is over, we
can get some ice cream.

Me and Lois can get
some ice cream, not you.

They're gonna be sticking
needles in you everywhere.

You know, Peter,
you were right,

this is actually
kind of a rush.

I mean, look at us,
we're like Thelma and Louise.

Yeah, but we all know that
didn't end well for them.

You know what?

Let's just turn ourselves in.

I got a great lawyer.

And he says, worst case,
eight to 12 years.

And when we get out,
we'll still have

the rest of our
lives ahead of us.

Good-bye, terrible women.

Oh, my God!

This is Tricia Takanawa.

I am standing outside
Quahog Hospital,

where accused kidnappers
Lois and Peter Griffin

have just arrived.

Also arriving is
my overprotective boyfriend,

who is suspicious whenever I am
called into work at night,

even though I've been a
reporter for years, Tyrone.

I thought I told you
to mention my painting business.

Lois, Peter, stop right there.

You're under arrest
for kidnapping.

I'm gonna have to ask you

to hand over the baby
and surrender.

Joe, please get out of our way.

I promise, when this is over,
I'll gladly go to prison

for the rest of my life,
but not until I bring

this defenseless child
into the hospital

to get him the treatment
he deserves.

Uh, Joe, we would
like two tickets

to the
Policeman's Ball.

Too late!

There they are!

Lois, please!

Stop what you're doing and
give Scotty back to us!

I can't do that, Hope.

But we've entrusted our
son into the Lord's hands.

I know.

And maybe that's why
he ended up in my hands.

The Lord can't do everything,
you know.

Blasphemy!
Heresy!

Sodomy!

Sorry, I don't even
know what's going on.

How you doin'?

Ben, Hope,

I know you don't believe
in modern medicine,

but you do believe
in the power of prayer.

That's right.

And through the years,

when there was disease
or infection,

people of good faith
would pray to God for a cure.

Yes. It's what we do.

Well, then isn't it possible
that penicillin, vaccines

and antibiotics are all
actually answered prayers?

And isn't it possible that

the amazing men and women
of medicine

who brought about these miracles

could be the instruments
of God's answers to our prayers?

It's good so far, Lois.

Try to work a few laughs
in there if you can.

Look, I believe
life is sacred.

And I know you want Scotty
to live a full life.

And if that's
true, then I think

it's wrong for
you to ignore

what very well could
be the Lord's will.

I mean, what's the
point in praying to God

if you're just going to wipe
your butt with his answers?

Hope, Ben,

please let God
answer your prayers.

Please let your son get help.

Well, I guess through
the Lord's will,

anything is possible.

All right, Lois.

Scotty can have
his treatment.

Oh, thank you!

Thank you,
and God bless you both!

Hey, everybody!

We're all gonna get laid!

We now return to
Dracula in San Francisco.

Ooh.

Well, that's why
we have the lab.

Well, I just got off
the phone with Hope,

and it sounds like Scotty's
gonna make a full recovery.

You hear that, Stewie?

Looks like your little
friend's gonna be okay.

Eh, I don't care about him.

I've got a new friend
who's got leprosy.

See, he's funny.

Peter, are you actually reading
that Christian Science book?

Yeah, you know, I figured
I'd give it a shot.

I mean, wouldn't it
be cool if you could

pray really hard for something,
and it actually happened?

I am so happy for me.

I deserve this.

When do you think
the Queen's gonna die?

== sync, corrected by elderman ==