Family Guy (1998–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - A Hero Sits Next Door - full transcript

# It seems today that all you see
# Is violence in movies and sex on TV
# But where are those good old-fashioned values
# On which we used to rely
# Lucky there's a family guy
# Lucky there's a man who positively can do
# All the things that make us # Laugh and cry
# He's a family guy
Hi, Chris, how'd you do on your science test?
I got a D. A D?! That's fantastic!
Just kidding, I know it means you suck.
Come here, you delightful idiot.
Another D, Chris? I'm sorry, Mom, but science is so hard.
Maybe you just need a little extra help.
Dad, would you help me with my homework?
I gotta tell you, that sounds worse than a trip to a failing mall.
Kids, your mom's going to the Cinnabon
that has the cage pulled half-way down,
and I'm going to the stereo store
next to the dead fountain with garbage in it.
Let's meet here under the glue outline of the old limited sign.
It doesn't matter anyway. Every time I try to study,
the evil monkey comes out of my closet and scares me.
Oh, for God's sake, Chris, you're in high school now.
Stop talking about that evil monkey! He's not real.
He is, too, real! I can prove it!
You'll have to do a better job than you did on your science test.
Or than God did when he left the iron on Ellen Barkin's face too long.
Oh, damn. How is it?
We'll put you in the '80s, you'll pass for hot.
Now get in the van with Kelly McGillis.
Next stop, Hollywood!
Hee-haw! hee-haw!
TV: Up next, the Hannah Montana marathon.
Yes! And for all you fans, the Miley Cyrus tour
is coming to Quahog Civic Centre for three nights only.
Call to get your tickets now.
(SCREAMS EXCITEDLY) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
But now, cos it just sold out. WHAT?! No, no, no!
I'm calling anyway!
I need Hannah Montana tickets and I need them now.
Never mind who this is! Can you get them or not?
I guess I should dial something first.
What's all the noise? What are you watching?
Sorry, but you know the rules.
Hannah can't do the photoshoot until Miley finishes her homework.
You can't tell Hannah what to do. She's not your daughter.
Wait, so Miley's my daughter but Hannah isn't?
Right. Great.
Put your wig on. (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Shut up!
This is real.
Ha! You're watching Hannah Montana?
Well, yeah...to make fun of it.
I mean, look how stupid she is with her clothes and her makeup...
and...and...and...that fabulous hair and...
Oh, my God, Brian, it's my favourite show! It's my favourite show ever!
Gay. And she's coming to town and I have to get tickets, Brian.
You have to help me get tickets! No. It's a stupid show
and a huge waste of time.
But...she's my favourite.
Oh, my God, are you...crying?
Yes! Hannah Montana is my hero!
I love her so, so much. This is the only time she's gonna be in town
and now I'll never get to see her!
Will you help me? (SIGHS) All right, fine.
Hey, Chris, you wanna practise kissing again?
I'm busy. I set up a video camera last night
so I can prove to Mom and Dad that the evil monkey is real,
and I wanna see what I got.
Huh, nothing.
All right, it's time to play rough!
I got you, you bastard!
Well, here he is!
The evil monkey.
Do you believe me now?! Holy crap!
It is real! Oh, my God! I thought I was the only one!
Meg, we're doing... We're doing Chris' monkey.
Oh, my God! Chris was right!
Holy crap! Chris, is that thing dangerous?
Yes, he's evil!
I'm not really evil. (GASPS) It talks!
If someone will please untie me, I'll explain everything.
No, Dad, don't do it! He's evil!
Look, just trust me. This is all a huge misunderstanding.
Chris, I think we should give him a chance to explain himself. No!
Thank you very much. Now, I know this looks bad,
me living in your son's closet and all,
but it's a very complex situation.
You see, basically, I got home from work one day
and found my wife cheating on me with another monkey.
Oh, that's terrible!
I fell into a deep depression after the divorce,
which ended up costing me my job.
All my money was gone, which means I lost the house.
So I moved into Chris' closet just until I got back on my feet again.
Wound up living there for nine years.
Oh, my God! You've missed so much!
Like when America was attacked by mentally challenged suicide bombers.
Allahu Akbar!
You know something? You're not evil at all, are you?
No, he's not. He's just a poor fellow who's down on his luck.
Easy for you to say!
He doesn't hide in your closet making a scary face!
That's the face I make when I'm thinking.
You're always pointing at me! I was trying to start a conversation.
You do that weird trembling thing! I have a copper deficiency.
Look, Chris, I'm sorry if I scared you before,
but this is a great chance for us to start over! No, it isn't!
You can fool everyone else, but you can't fool me.
You go to hell!
(GASPS)
OK, remember to play it cool. Act like you belong here.
Oh, my God! I love you. I'm your biggest fan. Can I touch your hair?!
(SCREAMS) Who are you guys? How did you get back here?
Look, I'm really sorry about this. This is my friend Stewie.
He's just a baby and he's your biggest fan and...
He has cancer. Oh, my God. Really?
Yeah, he's got a tumour in his head the size of a football.
I think I can see it! Well, in that case, I wouldn't feel right
about throwing you out, especially if you're my biggest fan.
(SHUDDERS IN DELIGHT)
Sarah Silverman is one of the most wonderful people you'll ever meet.
That is just so good to hear. I want to like her.
She is so funny. I want her to also be nice.
Well, I'm glad you guys are having such a great time
with that evil thing that tortured me for years (!)
Dad, I thought you were gonna help me with my book report.
Chris, there is a monkey here.
And I just fed him a whole bag of Subway sandwiches.
In a couple hours, we are going to sit around
and throw his soft bread stool at each other.
Now, you are welcome to be a part of that...or not.
I'm just telling you what's gonna happen.
Well, thanks for nothing, Dad!
Don't mind him, Monkey, he's just a big disappointment.
Like things that look like DVDs from far away.
(GASPS) DVDs! Aw, books.
Oh, that feels so good! You are an artist. Thank you!
Lois doesn't like my toenails cos they stab her in the night.
Hear that, Lois? Somebody likes my toenails.
Good for you, Peter. Good for this family.
Good for all of us.
Mom, Dad, I got an A on my book report!
That's wonderful, honey! Congratulations, Chris.
What did you write about? I...um...
The slave trade allegory of Curious George?
Wait a minute, I didn't write this. Oh, really?
Did... Did you write this?!
Well, I can't take all the credit.
I've been listening to you talk in your sleep for years
so I just put your thoughts on paper, that's all. Wow.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.
Thanks, Evil Monk- Thanks, Monkey.
Aw. I'd get up to hug you,
but sitting down's the only thing keeping the poop in. That's OK.
I can't believe I'm sitting here with you, Miley Cyrus.
It's like I'm in a dream. That makes me happy, Stewie.
What are you doing? Oh, I'm just writing some new lyrics.
Oh, you write your own lyrics? Yeah.
So do I...
Oh, you wrote a song?
Look at you! You're a regular little Tim McGraw!
(LAUGHS)
I'm a little better than Tim McGraw.
Hey, these are pretty good, Stewie! Really?!
Do you think you could sing them? Only if you sing with me!
(SQUEALS GIDDILY)
# You and I didn't quite get along when we first met
# When you put us together we just didn't blend
# But the more that I know you the more it's a good fit
# Now we've got what it takes to be very best friends
# Friendship is the best thing ever
# Except for best friendship, which is a little better
# You mean a lot better # I mean a lot better
# Now we're friends # Yes, it's true
# That no-one else can friend me like you
# Friendship is the best thing ever
# Except for best friendship, which is a little better
# You mean a lot better # I mean a lot better
# With you #
Hey, where you guys been?
We went to the father-son barbecue.
You drove all the way up to Fatherson for a barbecue?
No, Dad, it was a barbecue for fathers and sons.
Wait a minute. You went with the monkey to a father-son thing?
Well, it's not like you ever take me anywhere.
What?! Listen, Peter, I didn't - Meg, please.
It's true! You never want to do anything with me.
But the monkey's been taking me to all the fun places I like,
and he's been helping me with all my homework!
He helped me get an A in algebra.
How did the monkey know you needed help with algebra?
Because he asked!
That's right, Dad, you never ask.
Even if you did, you never listen!
And now you're getting mad at the monkey cos he actually cares?
Screw you!
You are the worst dad in the world and I hate you!
Well... Well, I hate you too!
Ah, damn. I left my cell phone up at that monkey-kid barbecue.
I thought you said it was a father-son barbecue.
Yeah, but it was up in Monkeykid. WHAT?!
Boy, you guys have been awful quiet this morning.
Lois, could you ask Chris to pass the maple syrup?
Meg, could you tell Dad that he's too fat to need extra syrup?
Lois, could you tell Chris that I'm sorry
I ever planted the seed version of him in your vagina?
I want you two to stop this. This is no way for a father and son to act.
According to him, that stupid monkey's more of a father to him than I am.
Me makes time for me and you never do!
You're supposed to love me, and all you do is hurt me!
This morning I had a hard poo that hurt, but then it felt great!
Meg, I'm trying to be mad right now but that's making me want to smile.
(GIGGLES) This'll get Chris.
Hey, classmates. Griffin, did you gain weight?
That's not important. But you know what is important?
I'm gay now. Let's all of us go be gay somewhere together.
Then go and tell your friends that I welcome them to be gay with me too.
Because I am gay.
I'll be gay with you. Oh, this is too perfect.
Chris is gonna be so gay by the end of this.
What's this? (READS SIGN)
Well, that's a no-brainer.
Come on, you fat (BLEEP). Do it.
(SCREAMS) (LAUGHS)
Who's laughing now?
I got my hat.
Hey, guys! I stopped at Pinkberry and I got some for everybody.
Wow, thanks! You're welcome.
I gotta go put on my face for press interviews.
Stewie, can you hand me my cell phone? Oh, sure.
(CRACKLING) Thanks.
That was weird. Did you hear that, when I was giving her the phone? No.
It was like...interference or something.
Wait a second!
(BOTH GASP)
Oh, my God! She's an android!
Miley Cyrus is an android!
Of course! She's a product of Disney Imagineering.
They built a perfect robot teen idol!
Yes, assuring that she could never fail!
Like famous duelist Sir Henry Giant-hole-in-the-torso Wickenshire.
Aha! Right through me!
Prepare for returned fire, Sir Joseph Broadfront!
I give you one last chance to rescind your insult
of calling me a common dandy.
Never!
(MUSIC)
My God, I can't believe she's an android!
Do you think we should tell someone or do something?
Well, we could do something. Like what?
Well, look at her. She dances like a real girl, moves like a real girl.
Yeah? Do you think she...does other stuff like a real girl?
You know, if you reprogrammed her.
Brian, that's sick! She's 16!
I'm eight. All right, I'll see what I can do.
Hey, Miley! Oh, hi, Stewie.
Hey, your shirt tag is showing, let me just...
There we go, all done.
Um...
MILEY SMASH!
(ROARS)
Uh-oh. Hang on, maybe I can fix this.
Run!
Monkey, do you think you could help me?
I can't stand Peter and Chris being at each other's throats anymore.
Of course, Lois. If we can get them in the same room together,
I can convince them to talk it out. Why don't you invite Peter to lunch,
I'll invite Chris, and we'll see what we can do?
Oh, thank you. I'd really appreciate it.
What the hell are you doing here? I thought I was meeting Lois.
She wanted me to talk to you guys about the way you've been behaving.
Look, Chris is being a jerk.
There's nothing you can say that will make me change my mind.
Peter, you're acting bananas. (GIGGLES) All right, I'll listen.
You're both good guys, and that's why it's important
for you to reconcile your differences.
Chris, I know you're angry, but do you really hate your father?
No, I just think he's a douche. Sometimes he is.
And, Peter, do you really hate your son?
No. But sometimes he's such a little fat jerk!
It's only because you never have any time for me!
Peter, do you think you could make a little more time for your son?
Yeah, I guess so.
(SCREAMING)
The hell was that about? Was that Stewie and Brian?
(ROAR)
(SCREAMING)
(ROARS)
(ROARS)
(GASPS) It's Miley Cyrus! And she's destroying the city!
Oh, my God!
Miss Cyrus, I ask you to stop what you're doing.
I don't just mean this, I mean everything.
The show, the music, it's all just awful.
(ROARS)
(YELPS)
Dad, we've gotta help him! Do something!
What am I supposed to do? You're my dad! Think of something!
Quagmire, fire up the biplane.
My son needs my help.
(ROARS)
All right, we're closing in. Get ready to fire.
(MIMICKS MACHINE GUN)
Giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity.
(SCREAMS)
(ROARS)
(ROARS)
Monkey, grab my hand!
(SCREAMS)
Well, the airplane got her.
Oh, no, it wasn't the airplane.
'Twas beauty killed the beast.
You know, Brian, here's your shot. Go for it.
Oh, too late.
No, it's not.
Thanks for everything, Monkey.
You made me realise how much Chris really means to me and...
And how I should always remember not to take him for granted.
Well, sometimes all anybody needs is a little bit of a wake-up call.
Now that you two are getting along again, my work here is done.
Guess I'll be moving on now.
You have to leave?
I thought you were gonna go back to living in my closet again.
I think that time of my life is over, Chris.
But I'll always remember you.
But...where will you go?
I'll go where I'm needed.
Dad, there's an evil monkey in my closet!
TOM TUCKER: I don't care, son. I just do not care.
subtitles by Deluxe