Family Guy (1998–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - I Never Met the Dead Man - full transcript

Look at Stewie.

Isn't he adorable
playing with his Sesame Street phone?

Put me through to the Pentagon.

What sound does a cow make?
Don't toy with me!

I've already dispatched with Mr. Hooper.
I've six armed men outside Big Bird's nest.

And as for Linda?

It's difficult for a deaf woman
to hear an assassin approach, isn't it?

Can you count to three?
Indeed I can.

One! Two! Three!

Can I count to three? For God's sake,
I'm already shooting at a fifth-grade level.

"It seems today that all you see



"is violence in movies and sex on TV

"But where are those good,
old-fashioned values

"on which we used to rely?

"Lucky there's a family guy

"Lucky there's a man who'll
positively tell you

"all the things that make us

"laugh 'n' cry

"He's a family guy"

Come on, Stewie.

You can't leave the table
until you finish your vegetables.

Then I shall sit here until one of us expires.
You've got a good 40 years on me, woman!

Sweetie, it's broccoli. It's good for you.
Now open up for the airplane.

Never! Damn the broccoli! Damn you!
And damn the Wright Brothers!

My, aren't we fussy tonight.
Okay. No broccoli.



Very well then. I...

Who the hell do you think you are?

Honey, it's not gonna go away
just because you don't like it.

Well, then. My goal becomes clear.
The broccoli must die.

Mom, will you take me out
to practice driving?

I'm teaching a piano lesson in half an hour.
Maybe your father can take you.

Sorry, Meg. Daddy loves you.
But Daddy also loves Star Trek.

And, in all fairness,
Star Trek was here first.

Captain's log, Stardate 8169.7.

The Enterprise has just discovered
a strange new planet...

...in the Gamma Faloppia star system.
Mr. Sulu, ahead Warp 9.

For God's sake, Peter.

You've been in front of the TV
since you got home from work.

Why don't you spend some time
with your family?

I will, during the commercials.

And if that's wrong, maybe I'm missing
the point of having commercials.

Please. My road test is tomorrow
and you haven't taught me anything.

You may want to find
a better teacher than Peter.

What are you talking about?
I'm a great driver.

Remember your trip to the Southwest?

- Jeez. Did I just hit that ostrich?
- No.

- Are you sure?
- He's fine. Keep going.

Don't believe that.
I always keep my eyes on the road.

I don't miss a thing.
We now return to Star Trek.

Holy crap. Uhura's black?

All right, Meg.
Now here's your first lesson.

You always want to be aware
of other cars on the road.

If you catch eyes with the guy next to you
at a red light, you gotta race him.

- This guy's asking for it.
- But Dad...

I don't make the rules, honey.
Now rev your engine twice.

Okay.

Go!

You forgot to flip him off.
But other than that, nice job.

You're back already?
That wasn't much of a lesson.

I didn't want to overload her
on her first time out.

Besides CHiPs is about to start.

So let's sit back and get lost in a world
of California Highway Patrol fantasy!

- What's the charge, Officer?
- Driving without my phone number.

Or maybe I should arrest you
for being too beautiful.

So, broccoli, Mother says
you're very good for me.

I'm afraid I'm no good for you!
The first rule of war is know thine enemy.

And I know this! Cold kills broccoli!
It's so simple.

All I need to do is build a machine
to control the global environment.

Forecast for tomorrow, a few sprinkles
of genius with a chance of doom!

This is taking forever!

Come on. Let's go. Fox is running
one of those new reality shows at 8:00.

Fast Animals, Slow Children.

Come on, guys. Wait up.

Dang. I got honey all over my legs.

Dad, we can't leave now. My entire life
depends on getting my license.

If I can't drive, I'll never have a boyfriend,
never get married...

...and then I'll have to adopt a kid
like Rosie O'Donnell.

Are you implying
that Rosie O'Donnell can't drive?

I'm so nervous.

You're gonna do great.
Remember everything I taught you.

- Let's start by going down Main Street.
- Okay.

- What are you doing?
- I'm driving.

Are you gonna mark me down
for not flipping him off?

God, my life is over.
I am the biggest loser I know!

I know how you feel, pumpkin.
I've had my share of disappointments, too.

It's a girl!

Can you check again?

You just have to remember that life
has its little ups and... Jeez!

We're gonna miss the beginning
of my show. There it is.

Dad, watch out!

Meg, honey, are you okay?
Yeah, I think so.

The Quahog
Cable Television Transmitter.

You just knocked out cable TV
for the whole town!

Boy! Look. There's Bigfoot!

Whoa. This isn't about me.
This is about you.

At least I bought us some time.

- She did it.
- What? Dad, you were the one driving!

I was teaching her to drive
and she lost control of the car.

Come on, we all did stupid stuff
when we were kids, right?

I remember when I tried
to sneak into an R-rated movie.

- Come on. Give the kid a break, huh?
- Why should we?

She got her arm shot off in Vietnam.

Poor kid.
What a senseless war.

I can't believe you just sold out
your own daughter.

I know what I did was wrong. And I know
it's not the first time I've embarrassed you.

And if you add the measure
of the angles of a right triangle, the sum...

Meg, clean out the shower
the next time you shave your legs.

It's like a carpet in there.

I hate to see you so upset.

I know. Let's play a little game
called Taking the Fall for Daddy.

If you win, I'll buy you a convertible
when you get your license.

Really? Daddy! Now I love you again!

You're gonna make
some Jewish guy a great wife.

Because of an accident
at the Quahog Cable Company...

...television transmission will be out
for an undetermined amount of time.

Of course, no one can see
this news program...

...so it doesn't really matter what we say.
I'm the Lord Jesus Christ.

Think I'll go get drunk and beat up midgets.
How about you?

Tom, I just plain don't like black people.

You guys, we're still on in Boston.

Excellent.
The weather machine is nearly completed.

What do you say to that, broccoli?

Stop mocking me! What's this?

It appears the witless provider
has finally brought me something of value.

I can use that crude device
to amplify my deadly signal.

Victory shall yet be mine.

Guess what, Mom?

Dad crashed the car
into the city cable transmitter.

- What?
- It's okay.

If I take the blame, he'll buy me
a convertible when I get my license.

Meg, it's not exactly taking the blame
if you go around telling everyone.

Peter, you're bribing your daughter
with a car?

Come on, Lois.

Isn't "bribe" just another word for "love"?
You wanted me and Meg to bond.

That's what we're doing.

Dad, I was in a chat room
on America Online...

...and Doomie 22 told me
some idiot knocked out the cable.

We could be without TV for weeks!

Now, Chris, now let's not panic.
We can manage just fine without TV.

- What's that supposed to mean?
- Face it, you're addicted to television.

You're not exactly Mr. Cold Turkey.
Remember when you gave up candy?

I'll ask you one more time.
You didn't eat anything in my factory?

No.

- I'm just asking...
- Are you calling me a liar?

- I'm just saying...
- Shut up, Wonka.

Yeah. That was different. I'll be fine.

- Are you sure, honey?
- For God's sake, you guys.

You think I'm some simp who can't live
without TV? Give me a break.

- What's happening now?
- Sipowicz is finding who stabbed the super.

Are you gonna tell me,
or am I gonna have to show you my ass?

I ain't saying nothing!
All right, it was Jimmy the Hat!

Forget it, Mike.

Without actually seeing his ass,
this is just radio.

Class, we were scheduled to watch
a PBS program on the mating rituals...

...of the nude large-breasted Weewok tribe
of New Guinea.

Unfortunately, Megan Griffin ruined TV.

So instead, we're having a surprise test.

Suddenly I was
public enemy number one.

It was time to tell the truth.

Wait! I didn't drive into the satellite dish!

And who did?

I was just a 15-year-old girl.

But at that moment, I realized I had
a whole lifetime to make new friends.

But only one chance to get a new car.
And I had to take it.

Okay, I did it.

I don't know how much longer
I can last.

It's been a whole week
since I seen a TV show.

I wonder what Scooby and the gang
are up to now.

We now return to
The Scooby Doo Murder Files.

Gee whiz, gang.

The killer gutted the victim,
strangled him with his own intestines...

...and then dumped the body in the river!
- Jinkies! What a mystery!

You're right, Scoob.
We're dealing with one sick son of a bitch.

You just need to find something
to fill the void that's left in your life.

Lois has knitting, Chris has video games,
Meg's learning how to drive.

And me, I like the sauce.

Whose leg do you have to hump
to get a dry martini around here?

Can't live without TV. Must see TV.

Stewie, I expect you
to finish off your vegetables.

Rest assured, you relentless harridan,
I expect I shall finish them all off!

And you as well!

Brian, I'm a little worried about Peter.

Last night I woke up and he was
channel surfing through static.

I'm sure he'll find a way to cope.

- Morning, Lois.
- And you were worried.

- Peter, what the hell is that?
- It's my favorite TV family, the Griffins.

Peter, you're scaring me. I'm beginning
to think you're losing your grip on reality.

Boring. I'll go see what else is on.
Peter! Keep an eye on Stewie.

Don't move!

A little help?

It's Glen Quagmire,
the wacky next-door neighbor.

What's he up to this time?
I'm going to work!

Him and his crazy get-rich-quick schemes.

We have to find your father, Chris.
He's not well.

I never knew anyone who went crazy
before except my invisible friend...

...Col. Schwartz!

I get all the channels on this thing.

Lifetime.

CBS.

Hey, UPN.

All right. 90210.

- Dad?
- Meg, what are you doing at West Beverly?

They're really reaching for guest stars
in the 10th season.

Dad, what are you doing? Get out of here!

I'm already a total outcast because of you!

You're just upset because you wrecked
the cable transmitter.

I did not! Forget it.
What good is a car if I have no friends?

I didn't wreck TV! My dad did!

- What?
- What'd she say?

- Peter Griffin ruined TV?
- And blamed his daughter?

That's the lowest thing I've ever heard.

Peter, take that thing off and come home.

Hey, Lois. You're just in time
for the exciting conclusion.

Looks like some boob's
about to get lynched. Let's watch.

There they are.

That's the guy who ruined our cable.
Let's get him!

Stop! What is wrong with you people?

Okay, yes. My husband is responsible
for knocking out TV.

But we should be thanking him.

He's broken television's hypnotic spell
over us.

Now we can see the world for what it is...

...a beautiful place full of wonderful things
just waiting to be experienced.

Another chick flick.

She's right. All the hours we've wasted
on that damn idiot box.

- I'm gonna paint my house!
- I'll build a ship in a bottle.

I'm gonna push a hoop with a stick
down a dirt road.

I'll take you home, honey.

I can't believe I let Meg take the blame.
You were right, Lois. TV is evil.

I hear that Manson guy watches it
in jail all day long.

If I haven't seen it, it's new to me.

You just went a little overboard.
You need a little balance in your life.

There are other things to appreciate
besides television.

- You mean like this lamp?
- Yeah. Okay.

- The lamp gives us light.
- I get it.

And your family gives you love.

You should spend some time
with our kids, Peter. And with me.

What could me and you do together?

Lois! You've got a sick mind!

Peter, I'm talking about making love.

I thought you wanted us to murder
the children and harvest their organs...

...for beer money.

What a gorgeous day.
Isn't it a gorgeous day, Mr. Sun?

It's always a nice day
with two scoops of raisins, Peter.

- Top of the morning, everybody.
- Excellent!

Thus completes the penultimate
adjustment to my weather control device!

Victory is... Release me at once!

Your mother was right. It'd be a crime
to sit around and wait for the TV.

- Great. You can teach me how to drive.
- There'll be time to drive when you're dead.

There's a world out there waiting
for us to grab it by the short hairs!

- Damn!
- Let's go.

I'm so tired. This morning's fly-fishing
really wore me out.

Wake up! You promised you'd get
this hook out of my mouth.

Thank you.

Now, kids, your father's just trying
to spend time with his family.

Or kill us. I'm not sure which.

The Chinese sure like to spit,
don't they?

Diane, that last report was so good,
I think you deserve a spanking.

I don't think your wife
would appreciate that.

That frigid old cow lives in Quahog.
She can't hear a word I'm saying.

Actually, we're back on the air in Quahog.

Thank God!

Their puerile minds are once again
distracted by that flickering box.

Time to be bad!

Come on, everyone.

We're late for the Bavarian Folk Festival.
You know those Germans.

You don't join their party,
they come get you.

But Dad, the TV's back on.

What do you know? Okay, let's go.

Peter, I'm thrilled that you want to spend
so much time with the family.

But we're exhausted.

Maybe we could just sit
and watch some TV together?

We're too busy living life to the fullest.
Come on, let's go.

- I'm sick of life.
- Yeah. My dogs are barking.

- But I thought we were having fun.
- We were.

But now it might be nice to watch
other people have fun or get killed.

- You know, whatever's on.
- Look, Peter. It's your favorite show.

This is a dangerous mission.
And it's likely one of us will be killed.

The landing party will consist of myself,
Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy, and Ensign Rickey.

Crap.

Sorry, Lois.

There's only one show I want to see.
It's called...

...Make Every Day Count,
starring Peter Griffin as himself.

Come on, Peter.
Don't you miss TV just a little?

The familiar stories, the broadly drawn
characters, the convenient plot turns...

...that bring a character around
at exactly the right moment?

Hi. I'm William Shatner.
My car broke down...

...on my way to give a speech
on how TV keeps families together.

Would you like to hear it?

No, I don't want to miss
the all-you-can-eat schnitzel bar.

Wait a minute! I love schnitzel!

Come along. I bet you could squeeze
into Lois' lederhosen.

I'll change in the car.

If I had a nickel for every time
one of my parents walked out...

...instead of teaching me how to drive,
I'd be one rich little...

Let's go, Meg.

Fare thee well, broccoli!

I don't know. I can't imagine
choosing life over television.

I'm telling you, it's great, Bill.

The only thing that would make this
perfect day better is if my family was here.

My God!

It was sunny a moment ago,
but now it's pouring!

Let's take off our shoes
and run home barefoot!

Griffin, you're a madman!
Barefoot, you say?

This is not safe.

I'll teach you how to drive some other time.
Pull over.

Mom, I can't even tell where "over" is.

You were right, Peter.
I've never felt so alive.

Victory is mine!

God damn it.

My God.

My God. I hit William Shatner.

Light growing dimmer.
Can't breathe. Beam me up, God.

I did not see that coming.

Daddy, I'm sorry I ran you over
and killed Mr. Shatner.

Don't worry. Once I'm of this body cast,
I'll do enough living for me and Bill.

Honey, can't we go back
to the way things used to be?

There's a big dent in that couch
that nobody else can fill.

Haven't you guys learned anything?

TV took over my life once.
I'm never gonna let that happen again.

My God.

We've lost him.

If you help me out of here,
I know a meadow where...

...the blueberries are begging to be picked.

Look, buddy. Just go in the pan.
And don't call me unless you're flatlining.

Turn that TV off. Nurse?

What would you do
for a Klondike Bar?

Would you stand on one leg?
Sure.

Would you act like a monkey?

Would you kill a man?

Daddy, now that I've finally passed
my driver's test...

...can I still get a convertible?

No. But I'm proud of you
for getting your license, sweetheart.

And I'm proud of you, Peter.
You taught us all a valuable lesson.

It's not what you do
that defines the quality of your life...

...it's who you do it with, and your family...

It's on.

I know you don't like broccoli, Stewie,
but you'll thank me...

...when you grow up big and strong
like your father.

A compelling argument.
You've swayed me, woman.

That is good. I feel stronger already.

It's good tasting and good for you.

Nice try.

- Quadruped.
- Mutant.