Fame (1982–1987): Season 1, Episode 14 - A Big Finish - full transcript

Tim O'Banyan is the school's janitor. Thinking that Tim is hiding a dog in the janitor's room in the basement of the school, Doris, Bruno and Danny investigate. What they find is that Tim is harboring more than Clumpy the dog, but Clumpy's owner, Birdie Whelan. Tim and Birdie were professional rivals during their younger years, more precisely dance rivals, but are now best friends. Burdened with medical expenses stemming from a broken hip, Birdie was kicked out of his apartment for failing to pay rent, and since Tim's apartment didn't allow pets, Birdie moved into the school's basement. Tim and Birdie's long term plan is to raise another $3,000 to buy a trailer in which to live. Word of Tim and Birdie's situation quickly spreads amongst the student body, with Julie coming up with an idea of holding a benefit. They have to keep the fact of the benefit quiet from the teachers. Elizabeth does find out about it, and is afraid that the students who participate will be expelled since it is against school guidelines. Raising money for a school board employee, even a janitor, could be seen as a bribe. But Elizabeth and Lydia try and turn a blind eye to the benefit, while expressing their concerns to the students. Looking for a creative way around the rule, the students come up with the idea of holding the benefit not for Tim, and even not for Birdie, but for Clumpy. Meanwhile, ping-pong shark Mr. Shorofsky is taking on all comers with glee in crushing his opponents. Lydia thinks she has a match for Mr. Shorofsky in the form of Mrs. Peyton-Smythe. Mr. Shorofsky thinks she'll be just another walk in the park, until he meets her: she is a Chinese national, the Chinese renowned for their ping-pong prowess. She crushes him.

I don't own a dog.

And I don't like being
called a liar by anybody...

I don't care what the reason is.

Oh, stop, we're not together.
No, we gotta go again.

Did you ever hear of
the Birdman of Alcatraz?

Well, this is our chance to
be the "Dogmen" of Sing Sing.

♪ Makin' music
has been my claim ♪

♪ Day after day It
can sound the same ♪

I don't have no homework this
weekend, 'cause I'm doin' the benefit.

You have anything to do with
that benefit, you're out of the school.

♪♪ [Disco]

♪ Fame ♪
♪ I'm gonna live forever ♪

♪ I'm gonna learn how to fly ♪
♪ High ♪

♪ I feel it comin' together ♪

♪ People will see me and cry ♪
♪ Fame ♪

♪ I'm gonna make it to heaven ♪

♪ Light up the
sky like a flame ♪

♪ Fame ♪
♪ I'm gonna live forever ♪

♪ Baby, remember my name ♪
♪ Remember, remember ♪

♪ Remember, remember ♪

You got big dreams.

You want fame.

Well, fame costs,

and right here is where
you start paying in sweat.

♪ Fame ♪
♪ I'm gonna live forever ♪

♪ Baby, remember my name ♪
♪ Remember, remember ♪

♪ Remember, remember ♪

♪ Fame ♪♪


[Groans] Ohh.

[Dog Barking]

[Chuckles] Well, good morning!

What are you doing here, sir?

Or madam, as the case may be.

Let me guess.

Either you're wearing the most
incredible leg warmers I've ever seen...

or you're a dog...

And if you're a dog,
you know what?

You're getting out
of here, right now.

Oh, no, you don't!

Miss Sherwood? Miss
Sherwood, are you all right? Ohh!

Yeah. Easy. [Grunts]
Oh, thank you, Tim.

I'm fine, really. You better
watch it, jogging inside like that.

I usually do the floors this time in
the morning, before the kids get here.

I wasn't jogging. I was
chasing that idiot dog.

What dog? The dog, that was...

You didn't see a dog come tearing
past you, about three seconds before...

I made my graceful
entrance? No, I didn't.


Weren't you out
here? Why, I sure was.

Right over there. But
I didn't see any dog.

[Sighs] Okay.

Thanks for your
help, Tim. Take care.

Now, you be the one takin' care.
I wasn't the one who fell down.

[Laughs] Oh!

[Dog Whining]

What are you doing
here? Come here!

I'm in enough trouble.
Now, where's Birdie?

Where is Birdie, you
jerk? Go find Birdie.

Go on. Go find him.

♪♪ [Rehearsal Piano] Passé...

Ah, hold this. See
there? Come on.

Keep your center.

Passé. Now, really
turn this knee out.

Roll this leg over.
Roll over. Right.

And... passé.

Pull up, darlin'. Come
on. Foot way back.

Come on, honey, pull up.
Pull up. You can get rid of this.

And... relevé, hold and five.

Six and seven, eight.
Come on, pull up, pull up.

Pas de valse, come through,

reverence, and around.

♪♪ [Piano Continues]

I want you to be up. And coupé.

Passé. Double epée.

Arabesque, and turn around.

Pas de bourrée.

Fourth and pirouette.

Tendu, close fifth.

Tendu, other side.


Mr. Shorofsky,
what are you doing?

I'm measuring, and
your room is perfect.

Oh, thank you. Perfect for what?

My doctor says I need exercise, and
yours is the only room in the school...

where I can store my equipment.

What sort of equipment
are we talking about here?

Table tennis. Folds right up
against the wall when I'm not using it.

Be no bother at all. You're
talking about a Ping-Pong table?

Please. Table
tennis. Not Ping-Pong.

Well, yes, but... are you sure that's
gonna be enough exercise for you?

I mean, what about real tennis? You
know, they have indoor courts you can use.

Table tennis is
very real. Thank you.

And what you call real
tennis is bad for pianists.

Builds up the forearms in the
wrong way. Loses flexibility.

Well, it's just that it's gonna start
looking like a summer camp around here.

- All right, class! The...
- [Laughing]

Aren't we the cute ones
though? We are just so funny.

It's all right with you,
then? Sure, fine. Whatever.

Blessings! I'll tell them to
bring it on up. Mr. Shoro...

Get on back in this
room! [All Chuckling]

Oh, I know that must be
the high point of your day.

[Laughing] Oh, and
I'm so happy for you,

because you're gettin' ready
to hit the low point right now.

Give me 50 entrechats
quatre royales.

And since we want to all
be so together and so cute,

if anybody misses one
jump or beat, we start again,

until we all get
it right together.

Now, Barbara, give me a good,
bright tempo, so I can see them jump.

You gonna be wishin' for a heart
transplant in about 30 seconds.

[Claps] ♪♪ [Quick]

Five, six, seven,
entrechats quatre royales.

Entrechat quatre royale.
Entrechat quatre royale.

Royale! Entrechat quatre.

Oh, stop. They're not
together. No, we gotta go again.

Are you done
already? Oh, no, I'm not.

- But something's wrong.
- About what?

[Softly] About Doris.


She's been like
that the whole class.

- I ask her what's wrong,
and she just waves me off.
- All right, Montgomery.

You go back to your
seat. I'll take care of this.

[Doris Sighs]


Doris, are you all right? Sure.

Doris. Level with me.

Well, I have to admit.
I'm a... I'm a little sad.

Mad. [Sniffles] Confused.


It's that time of
year. Time of year?

I... I, uh...

I... I, uh... [Sneezes]

Allergies. Oh, I see.

And that's what the tears
and the sniffles are about.

Uh-huh. Anytime I get arou...

Ah! Ahh!

People who grow flowers?
Places that are dusty?

Certain kinds of
materials? [Sneezes]

Bless you. [Sniffs] Thank you.

Dogs. Or anybody
who's been around dogs.

Then there was a dog!

- [Sneezes]
- Bless you.

[Sniffs] Thank you. I gotta go
see my allergist this afternoon.

I gotta get some shots.

Doris, before you get those
shots, could you do me a favor?

- If I can.
- In the old days, miners used
to take canaries with them...

down into the mines... the theory being that any
poison gas would knock out the little canaries...

long before it could affect a grown
man, giving the miners time to escape.

All this has to do with a favor?

I want to get you with
Mr. O'Bannion, the janitor.

To be my canary in the mine.


Easy now, easy. Fine.
Straight ahead now, good.

Mr. Shorofsky, is that
a Ping-Pong table?

This is a table tennis table.

Around the corner,
second door to your left.

Put it up against the wall.

Miller. Sixth period, you have a
rehearsal hour scheduled. Is this correct?

Yes. I'm rehearsing
the Schumann concerto.

Nonsense. A waste of
time. You have that down pat.

- Then what do you think
I should rehearse?
- Miller,

did you ever play table tennis?

Look at that. Beautiful. You got
plenty of air comin' through there.

Well, I'd appreciate it if you'd check
the vent in the back of the room as well.

All right. It seems to
take forever for us...

to get any heat in here once
the thermostat kicks in. [Sniffles]

It may take forever, but you got to
remember this is a pretty old building.

Things slow up
when you get older.

People and things. Fact of
life. Just check it out, please.

All right.

Well, maybe I could get somebody
over to really check this out,

but I don't think it's necessary...
it's doin' just fine the way it is,

if you want to know the truth.
Yes. I want to know the truth.

But I'm not talking about
anything concerning the vents.

I'm not sure I know
what we're talkin' about.

We're talking about that
dog I saw in here this morning.

A dog in school? Is that
such a big deal to you?

I couldn't care less
about a dog in the school.

What I do care about is
someone I work with lying to me.

And I think that's what you did this
morning. I'd like to know why, please.

You think Tim O'Bannion is a
liar. Is that what you're saying?

Oh, Tim, for heaven
sakes. If you're keeping a...

No, no. It's not "Tim." It's
Mr. O'Bannion, thank you very much.

If you're Miss Sherwood,
I'm Mr. O'Bannion to you.

All right. All I'm
trying to do...

And another thing: I don't
own a dog. I never owned a dog.

I don't plan on owning a dog.

And furthermore, I don't like
being called a liar, by anybody.

I don't care what the reason
is. We're done. Finished.

I think Mr. Barnum's gonna pay a
fortune for this act. Doris, come on.

Do you have to be anywhere in
a hurry? I'm in a hurry to go home.

I live there. I go there.

I recognize my father. He remembers
who I am. It's really kind of nice.

Could you put it off
for an hour or so? Why?

I need some help with
a deprived childhood.

I gave at the office.

No, listen. When I was little,
nobody ever taught me how to sneak.

Where do you want to
sneak to? The janitor's office.

Why? Because this morning,
Mr. O'Bannion became a person.

It's probably the full moon.

No, I mean, there-there are
people who aren't really people.

They're just there:
gas station attendants,

movie ticket-takers,
school janitors.

You know, it's "Good morning,
Mr. O'Bannion. How ya doin'?"

And you never even slow
down to hear what he has to say.

And this morning, this, uh,
transformation happened.

Yeah. He looked
like he was gonna cry.

I think he lied to Miss
Sherwood about something.

Could, uh, someone tell
me what we're talkin' about?

Doris had a depraved childhood.
She needs sneaking lessons.

Into O'Bannion's? Pass.

Okay. Fine!

What are friends for, anyway?
Friends are for turning you down.


Come on.


[Softly] Janitor's
office is down there.

If we get caught down there... No,
O'Bannion's on the third floor, waxin'.

He won't be down there
for at least a couple of hours.

Yeah. And if he's got a dog,
he's got it cooped up in there.

It's not fair.
Doris, life isn't fair.

God put Bo Derek
on Earth to prove that.

Doris, it's a lot like breaking and
entering. Whose side are you on?

I'm committed to
freedom: my freedom.

So come on. Let's get
outta here. Oh, okay. Fine!

I'll break and enter.
You cut and run.

Suits me fine. Doris, you ever
hear of the Birdman of Alcatraz?

Well, this is our chance to
be the "Dogmen" of Sing Sing.

We're deep in dog territory.
[Sniffs] Take my word for it.

[Whining, Barking]

See? I told you there
was a dog. Yeah.

Look how unhappy and
mistreated the poor thing is.

Hey, look, what's this?

Hey, that's Mr. O'Bannion. Who's the
dancer? This is Broadway stuff here.

[Bruno] Who's
this? Birdie Whelan.

[Doris] Birdie Whelan.

My grandma talks
about him all the time.

She said he was the best! There's
no one that even comes close.

Oh, he's probably gone by now.

Not quite, young lady.

I'm very much here, and, uh, quite
pleased about it, if I do say so myself.

[Teakettle Whistling] Oh, would
you... would you care to join me,

in, uh, in a cup of tea?

You been here how long?
Oh, about three months.

Ever since I got
booted out of my room.

I couldn't come
up with the rent.

Had to spend the
money on medicine.

[Danny] What did you
need the medicine for? Well,

I fell down and broke my hip.

And Mr. O'Bannion fixed
this place up for you?

No, no, no, no. Not at first.

The first thing he did was to try
to get me in with him at his place,

but they don't take
pets there, you know.

And I've been with Clumpy... or he's been
with me... ever since I stopped dancing.

That's too many years to
throw away just because of...

what it says on some
lease. I think that's terrific.

To fall down and break your hip
and get thrown out of your room?

[Chuckles] Not
really, young man. No.

I mean, to have a friendship with
someone, like you and Mr. O'Bannion have.

- Something that
lasts for decades.
- Well, we were not friends...

- till I fell down
and broke my hip.
- Why not?

Well, because producers were always
trying to play us against each other.

You know, if they wanted me for a part, they
never failed to let Timmy know about it.

And if they really wanted Timmy, they never
failed to mention my name as a possibility.

- And when you broke your hip?
- Well, when I broke my hip...

God love him,

he came to me and... [Grunts]

I came to him and
said... I said, "Birdie,

[Clumpy Barks] "you and
I have gone through times,

"and done things few other
human beings have known.

"There are tales we can tell that
only you and I can truly understand.

"And you know, it
seems a shame...

for each of us to ignore the only audience
that either one of us has got left."

That's right. That's what he said.
That's what got me and old Clumpy here.

Only question now is, are
you gonna get to stay here?

If any one of those teachers upstairs
finds out that Birdie's stayin' down here,

he'll be out on his ear,
and I'll be out of a job.

Well, you can't expect
to stay here forever.

Well, it's just until we can
raise another $3,000, huh?

You see, a friend of Birdie's runs a
trailer camp down in Bradenton, Florida.

Now, with what we got
so far, plus another $3,000,

we can make a down payment
on a trailer and place in the park.

Yeah, we'll put our tootsies in the
sand and our hooks in the water.

Just as long as nobody upstairs
finds out what's goin' on down here.

- They won't.
- And you can count on it.

We better get back upstairs before
someone comes looking for us.

Thanks for the tea. Yeah.
Thank you very much.

Thanks. Is there
anything I can get you?

Anything we can do? Yes.

Yes, you can tell Leroy not to
argue with Miss Grant so much.

What? I can hear the dance
class through the vents.

She's a good teacher. She
knows what she's talking about.

Now, all he's got to do is
listen, just a little bit harder.

Hmm? Okay. I'll pass it on.

[Door Closes] I hope this doesn't
hurt your feelings too much,

but it sure felt good talkin'
to somebody besides you.

- I think I can handle it.
- [Barks]

You might have some makin'
up to do with Clumpy though.

Okay, Mr. Shorofsky,
serving, zip-zip.

What was that? That
was the opening serve.

It was a floating insult.
Now serve properly, please.

Okay, but Mr. Shorofsky, like I
said, I'm pretty good at this game.

- Humor me.
- [Scoffs]



Zero, serving one.

Late rehearsal, Doris? Yeah.

Uh, Miss Sherwood...

I got to thinking after
class, and I remembered.

It's not dogs I'm
allergic to, it's cats.

You just remembered this. Yeah, well
see, I heard you talking to Mr. O'Bannion,

and he seemed so sincere about
not lying about there being no dog.

And then I remembered that
it's not dogs that I'm allergic to.

- It's cats.
- This just happened
to come to you...

as you overheard
us talking, huh?

Yeah, well, see, actually
I'm allergic to both.

But dogs give me a cherry
rash. It's cats... [Sniffles]

that make me sneeze.

And you have to admit, he did seem very
sincere when he told you he wasn't lying.

- He never told me that.
- Sure he did. I heard him!

Doris, I'm quite careful about
words and their meaning.

Now, what he said was
that he didn't own a dog.

That he wouldn't own a dog, and that he
didn't like being called a liar by anybody...

And I believe that last part, 'cause he didn't
like it one little bit, and he was lying.

You know something?
You'd make a terrific lawyer.

I think I would have been
particularly good at spotting perjury.

21-3! He killed me!
That silly old... 21-3!

And I think he let up on me
towards the end. [Groans] I could die.

See you tomorrow.
Have a nice evening.

How's he know whether
or not I listen to the woman?

He can hear through the vents. He
can tell that much just by listening?

That's what he says. And both of
them were pretty big in the old days.

Hmm. That's sad. I mean,
two old guys like that...

havin' to hide out in a
little room in the basement.

The main thing is not to let
everyone know they're down there.

Don't be tellin' anyone
about 'em. All right.

Yesterday, I went down to the
42nd Street Library. I looked 'em up.

Did they check out?
Yeah! They were the best.

Either one of them could
have packed a theater.

Lots of choreographers still study
the stuff they were doing in the '40s.

Does Miss Grant know that
a janitor in this school... No!

And don't tell her.
It's very important...

the whole school does not realize
what is really going on downstairs.

All right. I understand.

♪♪ [Cello]

My dad said no one even
came close to what they did.

He said he stood in line
for hours to see them.

- Did they ever dance together?
- No, they were always rivals,
he said.

First rivals, last friends.

You know, that's sad. We ought
to try to do something for them.

Help them raise the
money they need.

Yeah, well the main thing is
not to noise this thing around.

We don't want too many
people finding out about this.

Hey, Doris! I don't want to be
pushy, but if I can help, I want to help.

Onstage, offstage...
Wherever you say.

Thank you. What
are we talking about?

The benefit. For Tim
O'Bannion and Birdie Whelan?

How did you find out about them?

Well, Montgomery
mentioned it in biology.

And Julie was talking in history
about raising some money for them.

And Danny... Well, everybody
knows about it, Doris.

[Chuckling] Absolutely everybody.
Everybody knows about what?

Nothing! Everybody
knows nothing.

That's why we're here.
In school. To learn.

And we're all here learning. And
I'm very, very proud to be here.

Doris, are you practicing to accept
some kind of award, sweetheart?

Michelle, honey, come on. I need you to help
me out with the freshman class after school.

And I'm going to bribe
you with some yogurt.

[Students Chattering]

A benefit?

Dopey idea.


So, who better to pull it off than
a bunch of dopey adolescents?

[Montgomery] Yeah, according to these figures,
financially we could make it work out.

Five dollars a ticket is not out
of line for something like this,

and if we can get a place that seats
500, 600 people, we'd be home free.

Hey, the Knights of St. Anthony
seats about that. Maybe a little less.

Well, a few people could stand.

The main thing is, we can deliver the acts.
Enough people are interested in this thing...

to, uh, make it work out.

There's something very
wrong with all of this.

It's running too
smoothly. Precisely.

Why do you two
always look for trouble?

I mean, there's two guys who need
help, and everybody wants to help.

I can get the lodge for free.
Everything's folding right in.

- So why look for problems?
- Why ignore them, when they're
starin' you right in the face?

- Like what?
- Like when are we gonna
start rehearsin'?

I mean, we have to
do things for school.

Do you think the teachers would
refuse to allow us to help two people...

like Mr. O'Bannion
and Mr. Whelan?

Any one of the teachers would
do anything to help people like that.

Hold it. Time
out. Leroy's right.

Bruno and I aren't as
cynical as you may think.

Look, the teachers
would not try to stop us.

The teachers
don't have a choice.

We tell them we want to do a
benefit. They say, "Who for?"

We tell them Birdie Whelan. Then they find
that Birdie Whelan is living downstairs...

in the janitor's office.

Listen, they'd have no
choice but to ask them to leave.

That's the rules of the school,
and they have to live by them.

And he couldn't go back to
Mr. O'Bannion's because of the dog.

If he tries to get a place of his
own, that eats up part of the savings...

they wanted to
use to get to Florida.

Seems like more and more rules are made to keep
people from helpin' each other 'round here.

And the trains still
do not run on time.

You're all being very
logical and very realistic.

You're about to let logic and reality talk you
outta something you really want to see happen.

Hey! Mickey Rooney and Judy Garland did
not think logically when putting on a show.

Doris, my mom doesn't
have an attic full of clothes,

and your pop doesn't have a
barn... the times have changed.

Besides, you were the one who
said all that stuff about the, uh, rules.

For once in your
life, ignore me.

[Bruno] Look, I don't know
which way this is all gonna turn out,

but either we build a
bridge or build a wall.

Those two old
guys used to be us.

Someday, we're gonna be them. And I'd like to
think there'll be someone there to help me...

when I get to the
short end of the string.

You know, someone who cared enough
not to let rules tell them what to do.

Good morning. [Sighs]

Phenicia, dear, would you
please go in there and put...

that Ping-Pong table up
against the wall for me, please?

Mr. Shorofsky! Yes? Good
morning. How are you?

I'm fine, thank you. You left
that Ping-Pong... Table tennis.

Whatever you call it, you left it
in the middle of the dance floor.

Now, you were supposed to store it up
against the wall. That was our agreement.

Not my fault. I'm
sorry. Not your fault?

I played Mr. Crandall last
night. Beat him three straight.

21-4, 21-3, 21-5.

He just stormed out
after the last game.

I couldn't move the table by
myself. Well, Mr. Shorofsky,

sometimes I come
in early to rehearse.

Now, I can't move that big thing by myself
either. Now, what are we going to do about that?

Do you happen to
play? No, I do not.

I thought, possibly, we could
settle it. Play two out of three...

I do not play,
Mr. Shorofsky. Pity.

[Ping-Pong Balls
Bouncing] Phenicia, dear!

Didn't I just ask you
to put that thing up?


Be another two or three
minutes yet. [Mumbling]

Hey, you wanna know what happened
to that soap opera you like so much?

You bet. Cindy died.

- What?
- Well, I told you yesterday
she was in intensive care.

Yeah, but you didn't make it
sound like she was gonna die.

Well, she didn't look that
sick, to tell you the truth.

Couldn't you build up to it a
little, I mean, uh, soften the blow?

Not just "Cindy died." Use
a little tact or something.


Cindy entered a contest to see who
could hold their breath the longest.

She won. And
she's still competing.

Birdie... [Clumpy Barks]

- [Knocking]
- [Barks]

Who is it? [Doris] It's
okay, Mr. O'Bannion.

Friends out here.

Come on in.

Mr. Whelan, Mr. O'Bannion, I'd
like you to meet two friends of mine.

This is Leroy Johnson,
and this is Julie Miller.

- Leroy, Julie.
- Hey, you're the dancer I've
heard so much about, right?

- Yes, sir.
- I've watched him sometimes
from the booth.

He's good. Really?

- You bet.
- Well? Go ahead.

That's why you came,
Leroy. Go ahead.

Well, I don't want to
bother you guys any,

but I'd like to ask you both a
question. Well, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure.

Go ahead. What is it? Fire away.

Well, I'm sorta like just gettin'
started in this dancin' thing,

and I was wondering... Have you
guys ever regretted bein' dancers?

I mean, ever, in all
those years? Never.

- Not once.
- You sure?


All dancing is, is...

Is the ability to move the way
children imagine angels move.

Now who could ever regret being
able to do something like that?

It's being able to carve
a statue out of thin air.

And you're the statue and the
sculptor all at the same time.

And even if the routine
is always the same,

that statue you're making
changes with each new performance.

You know something? At this benefit,
I'm gonna dance my butt off for you guys.

Don't do that. You need
the counterbalance on spins.

- Isn't that right, Birdie?
- It sure is.

You should know. [Laughing]

[Loudly] Good morning, Miss
Grant. How are you today?

Just fine, Leroy, thank
you. Oh, that's good.

I just thought I'd come
in here early to rehearse.

- You don't mind
if I do that, do you?
- No.

Since you're always telling
me to rehearse, well, here I am.

Bright and early. Ready to rehearse,
just like you're always tellin' me to.

Leroy, why are
you talking so loud?

I guess I'm talking loud because
I'm so full of energy. That's it.

You ever get up in the morning
and you're so full of energy...

that you just can't wait till
you get in here to rehearse?

Well, yeah,
sometimes. But I don't...

- Was that pretty good?
- Well, that was fierce.

What do you call
that step in French?

- Cabriole grand jeté.
- That's it! So I just did
a pretty fierce...

cabriole grand jeté.

How about that? And I came in
here early to do it this morning.

Well, Leroy, I must
say I am impressed.

Thank you, Miss Grant. You
know what? I think I'm gonna keep...

doin' stuff like this, till I
get the hang of it. [Barking]

- [Coughing To Hide Barking]
- [Clumpy Barking]

- [Continues]
- [Barking Continues]

Shoot. I thought I
got rid of that cold.

[Coughs] I think I better ease up off
these early rehearsals, Miss Grant.

The air's kinda
damp in here. Leroy?

You better do somethin'
about that cough now. [Barks]

[Coughs] Don't you
worry, Miss Grant. [Barks]

[Coughs Harder] I
will! You can count on it.

[Coughs Louder]
[Barking Continues]

- [Sneezes, Coughs]
- Bless you!

[Coughs] Thank you!
[Continues Coughing]

[Clumpy Continues Barking]

What's this, please?

Lady in my building overheard me
talking about this exercise kick you're on,

and she asked if I could set up
a match between the two of you.

That's her name, and
she'll be calling you.

Mrs. Peyton-Smythe.
Sounds English.

It is. Her husband's with the
trade delegation at the U.N.

Is Mrs. Peyton-Smythe a good sport?
Because I'm likely to beat her, you know.

[Chuckles] Well, she said she
played some Ping-Pong... Table tennis!

When she was in school, but
that was 10 or 15 years ago.

And she hasn't played
again since then. Fine.

Have her give me a call, by all
means. I will do my best to keep it close.

You are so considerate.

Hi. [Sighs Deeply]

Who rained on your parade?

I picked up my dry cleaning this
morning. That was in the window.

It's about a benefit, featuring
performers from the School of the Arts.

Well, if it's for some
kind of charity...

Mm. I'm sure that's how
the kids are looking at it.

But I did some calling,
some checking around?

Any of our students set foot
on that stage Saturday night,

they're out of this
school like a shot.

And no more than 1,000
words, and no less than 500.

And please, take some
care with your handwriting.

I mean, half the time, I can't tell whether
I'm supposed to be reading an essay...

or breaking some
sort of secret code.

[Bell Rings] Schwartz,
Miller, Johnson, Amatullo?

Stick around. [Ringing Stops]

Tardy slips? What for? Because you're
going to be late for your next class.

We have some talking
to do. About what?

About how you're going to cancel
the so-called benefit tomorrow night.

Well, I'm not gonna be
late for my next class,

'cause I'm not listenin'
to any of that talk.

If you have anything to do with
that benefit, you're out of the school.

- Period.
- Why? For trying
to help somebody?

No. For breaking
a rule of the school.

A rule that's
there for a reason,

and a rule that won't be changed or
appealed, regardless of good motives.

- What rule?
- Mr. O'Bannion is an employee
of the Board of Education.

Students raising money for
employees to use for personal benefit...

is not allowed under
any circumstances.

It looks as if you're courting favor.
It looks as if it might be a bribe.

Excuse me, isn't it a little difficult
to court favor from a janitor?

An employee is an employee.

The rule doesn't make
any differentiation between...

a supervisor and a
janitor and a teacher.

No employee accepts money
from any student for any reason.

- You think we'd get expelled?
- I think there's a good chance
of it, yes.

Well, I don't have no homework this
weekend, 'cause I'm doin' the benefit.

Leroy, that's very noble...

Look, don't you know who
Mr. O'Bannion and Birdie Whelan are?

Don't you know who they used to
be? They were very special people.

You can look it up! Birdie... I know
what Mr. O'Bannion used to do,

and I don't want to hear any of you
mention the name of Birdie Whelan,

because I don't want to
know anything about him,

or where he happens to
be living at the moment.

Because if I knew about it, I
might have to do something about it.

But since I don't know about
it, there's nothing I can do.

Do I make myself clear?

You were talkin' to the people at the
Knights of St. Anthony, weren't you?

- Yes.
- And you're in a box, right?

And if we were having this
conversation, I would have to tell you...

that I don't see any way for you
to do what you're trying to do...

without jeopardizing
your place here.

But since we're really not
having this conversation,

and you're not
officially telling us...

Because I do not officially know
anything about Birdie Whelan.


- I wasn't slammin' the door.
- It sure sounded like it.

Well, I was slammin' a
situation. I wasn't slammin' you.

Thanks for clearing that up.

Hey, you two!

I wanna show you something.

What do you think? A
thing of beauty, isn't she?

Birdie and me signed
the papers on it last night.

Mr. O'Bannion... She's gorgeous!

Really. Never seen a
better one. Thank you.

Congratulations to
you both. Doris, uh...

You're right. We're gonna
be late for our next period.

Really, a thing of
beauty. A definite 10.


Oh, it's beautiful.

Now, if we can just
keep up the payments.

Doris, what are you, crazy?

You know what Miss
Sherwood said. There's a way.

There's always a way.
There's gotta be a way!

All we gotta do is find it.

May I help you? Are
you Mr. Shorofsky?

Yes. I'm Mrs. Peyton-Smythe.

I believe Lydia Grant
mentioned me to you?

You are Mrs. Peyton-Smythe? Yes!

Hi, Lang. Hello.

Lovely coat. Thank you.

Benjamin, I was
just on my way home.

Hey, why don't I give you a hand setting
this up, so you all can get started?

[Softly] You told
me she was English.

No, you told me her name sounded
English, and I told you her husband...

was with the trade
delegation at the U.N.

He is English. He'd been doin' the
same job when he met her a few years ago.

- Where did he meet her?
- Canton, China.

I'm told the Chinese are
very good table tennis players.

Do tell. [Sighs]

Well, you two kids
have a good time,

and I can't wait to hear
how everything turns out.

[Shorofsky] Your serve.

[Ball Clicking]
[Shorofsky] Good serve!

Good serve! One-nothing.

[Ball Clicking] Two-nothing!

[Ball Clicking] Gott in
Himmel! Three-nothing!

Nice turnout. More's the pity.

If there weren't such a big
turnout, we could look the other way.

[Cymbals Crash]
♪♪ [Organ: Fanfare]

[Bruno] Ladies and gentlemen.

It's my pleasure to announce
the host of tonight's festivities:

Mr. Montgomery MacNeil!

[Applause, Cheering] Thank you.

Some of you may not know
what the purpose of this evening is.

Well, it's my job to tell you.

We're here to honor
courage tonight and loyalty...

and love between
two kindred spirits.

The kind of love that
accepts and forgets.

Tonight, we have the
great good fortune to honor...

- Clumpy!
- [Clapping]

Sit. Sit! Good dog.

I don't know whether you could
see it when Clumpy walked out here,

but he suffers
from an arthritic hip.

And although it may look
like he's walking on four legs,

he really has only
three to rely on.

Now, we're here to raise money to
send Clumpy to a warmer climate,

where he can run in the
fields and rest his bones.

But I think it would be a great disservice
to just drop him off at Kennedy Airport...

- with a tourist ticket
in his mouth.
- [Laughing]

So those two gentlemen have graciously
offered to be Clumpy's traveling companions.

And his watchdogs. [Laughing]

So it's Clumpy we're
honoring tonight.

That's what the money's
for, not a teacher, or a person.

Welcome to the first
annual Clumpy Fund.

[Applauding, Whistling]

♪♪ [Pop]

♪ Makin' music
has been my claim ♪

♪ Day after day It
can sound the same ♪

♪ Look for the hook Is
the name of the game ♪

♪ Goin' for the
fortune and fame ♪

♪ And even when it
is sounding good ♪

♪ There's something that
should be understood ♪

♪ Though I'm doin'
what I want to do ♪

♪ I really gotta
share it with you ♪

♪ You're the real
music in my life ♪

[Chorus] ♪ You're
the real music ♪

♪ You're the song
that gets me singing ♪

♪ Right out loud ♪

♪ With two heartbeats in time ♪

♪ We make the perfect rhyme ♪

♪ You're the real
music in my life ♪

♪ So many people
work 9:00 to 5:00 ♪

♪ And say they're
doin' it to stay alive ♪

♪ And though I'm
writin' these melodies ♪

♪ You're the one
that I want to please ♪

♪ So many times
when it isn't fair ♪

♪ The music's playin'
but it's goin' nowhere ♪

♪ Seems like I'm tryin'
but I don't really care ♪

♪ Till I get to
share it with you ♪

♪ You're the real
music in my life ♪

♪ You're the real music ♪

♪ You're the song
that gets me singing ♪

♪ Right out loud ♪

♪ With two heartbeats in time ♪

♪ We'll make the perfect rhyme ♪

♪ You're the real
music in my life ♪

♪ You're the real music ♪

♪ Music in my life ♪

♪ You're the real music ♪

♪ That gets me singing ♪

♪ Whoa-oh-oh ♪

[Chorus] ♪ Right out loud ♪

♪ With two heartbeats in time ♪

♪ We'll make the perfect rhyme ♪

♪ You're the real music ♪

♪ In my... life ♪

♪ Whoa-oh ♪ [Chorus]
♪ In my life ♪♪


Uh... huh? I didn't
say anything.

[Laughing] Uh, you
know, a few nights ago,

this young man came
up to Tim and myself,

and asked us, uh, how
we felt about dancing.

Well, I forgot to mention one very
important thing to him about that,

when he asked us,
and uh, that is, uh,

because of dancing...

we feel young.

Because as long as a
dancer can tap his toe and, uh,

count up to four in
the clear... It's not easy.

- [Laughing]
- He'll be a dancer, and
dancers are...

always young.

Oh, there are some that are
smooth and some that are wrinkled,

but... we're all young.

You know, there's one
problem with being a hoofer.

Situations like this.

We never have an
ending to the act.

I mean, there's no such thing
for guys like Birdie and me...

No such thing as
talking up to a big finish.

We weren't taught that way.

Matter of fact, one time in Steubenville,
Ohio, when you were locked out...

♪♪ [Piano: Jazz]


♪♪ [Scats]

♪♪ [Scats]

♪♪ [Scats]

♪♪ [Scats]

♪ The Vanderbilts
have asked us ♪

♪ Up for tea ♪


♪ Don't know how to get there ♪

♪ No, sirree ♪
Here we go.

♪ We would drive up the avenue ♪

♪ But we haven't got the price ♪

♪ We would skate up the avenue ♪

♪ But there isn't any ice ♪

♪ We would ride on a bicycle ♪

♪ But we haven't got a bike ♪

♪ So we'll walk up the avenue ♪

♪ Yes, we'll walk
up the avenue ♪

♪ And to walk up the avenue's ♪

♪ What we like ♪

- ♪ Oh, just a couple
of swells ♪
- [Sneezes]

- [Barks]
- ♪ Just a couple of swells ♪


♪ Swells ♪♪
[Clapping, Cheering]

♪♪ [Disco]

♪ Fame ♪

♪ Fame ♪

♪ Fame ♪

♪ Remember, remember
Remember, remember ♪

♪ Remember, remember
Remember, remember ♪

♪ Fame ♪♪


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