Faking It (2014–2016): Season 3, Episode 9 - Ex-Posed - full transcript

Previously on "Faking It"...

I'm Amy, walking pile of contradictions.

I'm transgender.

It doesn't change the
way I feel about you.

She can set it to
midnight New Year's Eve.

- Do you think she'll like it?
- I know I'd melt

if I got something like this.

Does that mean you still
want to find a girl to kiss?

I think I already found one.

Why didn't we do this at camp?

It's so much more fun than
making friendship bracelets.



But not as much fun as dream catchers.

Mm.

Seriously, these past
four days have been...

Thrilling?

Scary?

I was gonna go with magical.

Amy!

How many of your friends are coming

to our annual Ho-Ho-Ho-Holiday
party tomorrow?

I need an accurate count
for the gingerbread men.

Are you girls bringing dates?

Nope.

What about that adorable Felix?

I'm just not really
interested in anyone right now.



You've been in a really good mood lately.

There's got to be someone.

Nope.

Not a one.

Hmm. Shame.

Well, get me that list.

Look,

I know you're not ready to come out

and I don't want to pressure you,

but I've learned that
secret relationships

always blow up in your face

and I don't want this to blow up.

Me neither.

So you want to tell your mom?

And Karma.

She's my best friend.

I don't like lying to her.

She's just not exactly my biggest fan.

Who knows what she's gonna say about me?

Sabrina, there's nothing Karma can say

that'll come between us.

I promise.

Sabrina is faking it.

That kiss at the diversity
assembly: 100 % bogus.

Why would she do that?

Because I told her that
she would never have

a connection with Amy the way that I do,

and she's trying to prove me wrong.

She's a psychopath.

Do you hear how crazy you sound?

That kiss looked pretty real to me.

At least help me warn her.

I mean, who knows what
lies Sabrina's telling her

to suck her deeper into her web?

The thing is,

is I don't think Sabrina's faking it.

Sorry, Karma, you're on your own.

I've got to talk to you about Sabrina.

You go first.

All right, but you have to hear me out

without interrupting, okay?

Okay.

Sabrina has been
questioning her sexuality.

A-and after the diversity assembly,

we kissed.

- Okay, but she is...
- Zzt.

I really like her

and I know that you two don't get along,

but I'm really hoping
that you're not gonna

trash her character

or try to talk me out of it.

What? I-I wasn't gonna do that.

You do have a history of
sabotaging my relationships.

Yeah, but that was the old me.

I love you.

I just want you to be happy.

I am

so, so happy.

So what were you gonna tell me?

I don't even remember what it was.

Boy, I'm spacey today.

Yay!

Man, I am so tired. Late night.

Mm. So I heard.

I need coffee.

Where are your mugs?

Above you.

You can use any, except...

- Oops.
- That one.

Okay. Time to go.

But my coffee?

Aw, your Uber's here, sorry.

- Where's Edie?
- That's it.

No more one-night-stands
traipsing through my place.

Hey, this is my apartment too.

Condo... And you don't pay rent.

- And neither do you.
- Irrelevant.

The point is, this isn't a brothel.

Enough with the slut-shaming.

It isn't any less wrong
when you do it to a guy.

No one-night-stands is
a perfectly reasonable

- roommate rule.
- If you're a monk.

Maybe if you put yourself out there,

you'd feel differently.

I'm sorry I don't have low standards

like you.

Do you know how hard it is

to find a handsome, athletic,

ambitious young Libertarian

who wears khakis that actually fit

and is comfortable with a strong woman?

The rule stands.

Wait. Maybe we should slow down.

Why?

You're Shane Harvey; you don't do slow.

Sure, I do.

Besides, I thought you
would want to take it slow.

Hey, I don't want to take it slow,

unless you do.

Uh, it's no, then.

Full steam ahead, then.

- Right?
- Yeah.

Uh, just not at this exact minute.

Right.

Of course not,

'cause our first time
can't be in the band room.

Exactly.

We got to do this right.

- In a bed.
- Yeah.

Just not tonight.

Uh, 'cause I have this holiday party.

Oh, yeah.

Uh, I have to study

for this big Reiki healing test.

- And that's super important.
- Yes.

So, um, tomorrow night?

Great. Perfect.

It's a... sex date.

- It's a sex date.
- Yeah.

I am so on to your twisted game, Sabrina.

And I'm giving you one chance
to come clean to Amy yourself.

What are you talking about?

You're straight.

Heterosexual. Unqueer.

Typically, when you're dating a girl,

you're not straight.

Don't play innocent
with me, you sick freak.

You're playing with Amy's emotions

just so you can push me out.

Interesting theory.

You should tell Amy about that yourself.

I'm sure you won't seem
like a jealous nut-job

trying to sabotage our relationship.

While you're at it,

why don't you tell her that
I'm the one that shot Kennedy

and Lincoln and Tupac?

You would love that, wouldn't you?

Looks like you're in a proverbial pickle.

Boo.

So have you, uh, sealed
the deal with Noah?

- Not yet.
- What?

It's been four days.

You got a groin injury or something?

No.

Not everyone's got to jump in bed

with everyone right away.

Okay, that does not sound like you.

What's going on?

Nothing's going on.
There's nothing to discuss.

Not even if I really, really wanted to.

How's your sex life?

About to end.

Lauren said no more
girls at the apartment

because she's lonely,
bitter, and vindictive.

Just play matchmaker.

Once she's got her own love interest,

- she'll forget about yours.
- Yeah, except I'll never find anyone

to meet her impossible standards.

It is an outrage that my beliefs

are being systematically
repressed at Hester

just because I'm in a minority.

I already told you, Preston,

there's not enough interest
in a Libertarian club.

You are the only Libertarian.

How would you even get a quorum?

Which is exactly why we need a club.

This isn't over, Penelope.

But I respect you as a
powerful woman and adversary.

Hey, Preston, buddy.

What are you doing tonight?

Oh, you don't say?

This is the perfect opportunity

to tell my mom about us.

You want to tell her at a party?

Oh, yeah, that's the only
place to tell her anything.

That way, if she has a bad reaction,

she won't make a scene.

Hmm.

Your grandmother made that top?

- Well, it's just so...
- Mom?

Oh, excuse me.

I changed my mind.

I am bringing a date.

Surprise!

We're dating.

Well,

that's wonderful, sweetheart.

That's it?

You're not even slightly upset?

Of course not.

Whoever makes you happy makes me happy.

And in the spirit of non-judgment,

while you've been reconnecting
with someone from your past,

so have I.

You remember Ron.

Ron the Con?

Not nice, sweetheart.

Besides, Ron's different now.

He has an actual job

and a two-bedroom condo

on South Padre Island.

Oh.

Did he steal the down
payment from his mom?

Again, not nice.

Gotta go.

That was the emergency?

You stole Sabrina's phone?

Yeah.

And I need you to hack it.

Okay, just because I play video games

does not mean I know how to hack a phone.

What do I do?

What do I do?

Oh, don't...

Hello?

Sabrina?

Yeah, this is me.

I-I'm sorry, I have a cold.

I have a surprise for you.

I'm in town!

You are?

And I'm on my way to your house.

No!

I mean, um,

I have a better idea.

Meet me at the Brew N Chew in five.

Bye.

What did you just do?

It's called collecting evidence.

I knew she was faking it.

That's probably her boyfriend.

Or just about anybody.

Okay.

Please come with me to meet him.

I know you still care about Amy

and if there's even a chance
that I'm right about this,

think about what it would do to her.

She would be devastated...

again.

So what's the deal with Ron?

Besides the child-molester name?

Oh, God, is he a...

Oh, ew. No, no, no.

When he and my mom dated the first time,

he got her involved
in some pyramid scheme

selling an Herbalife knockoff

and she lost a ton of money

all because of that
lying, manipulative jerk.

What if it was just a little lie

that got out of hand

and now he really likes Farrah?

Maybe he's changed.

No, not Ron.

And we're gonna prove it.

Listen up, New Lisbeths,

I've suffered a very small
drop in Instagram followers

so I need you both to take
candid photos of me tonight

in this festive setting

to make my life look
more relatably fabulous.

But I don't want to feel like

I'm being stalked by the paparazzi.

Lose those hideous
sweaters and the heels.

They're gonna make a racket.

Ew.

Oh, hey, Lauren.

Hey, I was just talking to
my friend Preston about...

What were you talking about?

American Exceptionalism.

For or against?

How could there be a question? For.

I thought I was the only
person in this school

who believed America
has a manifest destiny.

Well, so did I.

I'm just gonna go to the bathroom

while you guys discuss.

Well, it's very nice to meet you.

May I get you a drink?

Suppose you absolutely adore candy canes

and you didn't think you
even liked peppermint bark,

but then you find some peppermint bark

you really want to eat.

Does that mean you're a
peppermint bark person now

and not a candy cane person?

I'm not allowed to have processed sugar.

What?

Okay, what's the plan?

We just talk to him.

Well, hello there, mate.

I'm Barbie... As in
put a shrimp on the...

And here is Baz.

Hi.

We're just friendly
tourists from Down Under

looking to meet the locals.

Well, I'm not really a local.

- Oh, are you visiting someone?
- Yep.

Like a friend or a girlfriend?

Or...

My girlfriend, Sabrina.

We're long-distance.

I came up to surprise her.

She sounds pretty.

Do you have a picture?

Yeah, tons.

How about one of the two of you together?

Do you mind if we take a photo?

Of the photo?

Yeah, you know,

pics of pics.

It's all the rage

Down Under.

Okay, what's going on?

I-I told you,

we're just a couple of friendly Aussies.

Barbie, I know something's up.

You're way too invested in my love life

and this guy's clearly not Australian.

Yep.

Okay.

My name's not Barbie

and there's something you
should know about Sabrina.

So I'm a master at the mambo,

but I've never done the cha-cha.

What if I can't do the cha-cha?

Like, what if I get stage fright?

That sounds stressful.

Do you know what I do
when I get stressed?

I go to my condo in South Padre Island.

Okay.

Not really sure how that applies to me.

The complex has two hot
tubs and a dry sauna.

Let me show you this brochure.

Mm. Um...

That lying sleaze.

I can't believe he's using this party

to sell timeshares.

Maybe he's just really
excited about his investment.

No, this is so inappropriate.

I have to tell my mom.

- That's not that much.
- No.

By then, I'll have
sold my consulting firm

and moved on to a tech start-up,

which really sets me
up for my Senate run.

I have a 15-year plan too.
Well, and a 30.

Really, it's never too
early to start planning

the next three decades of your life.

I couldn't agree more.

You know, Liam said we'd get along

and he was right.

He did, did he?

Amy.

Listen, I've been thinking.

There's something that I
need to talk to you about.

Can it just wait a minute?

Mom,

Ron is selling timeshares to your friends

and mine.

They're teenagers... Where are
they gonna get that kind of money?

Darlin', he's just sharing
a hot investment tip.

Shows how generous he is.

He wasn't good enough
for you five years ago

and he's not good enough for you now.

Perfect men do not grow on trees, Amy.

Mom, you're settling.

I know that you've given up hope

that the right person is out there,

and I get that.

I almost gave up hope too.

But if I did, then

I wouldn't be with the right person now.

You're a teenager.

What do you know about
finding the right one?

I know that you're getting conned.

And a leopard never changes his spots.

Oh.

I belong to 24 Hour Fitness

but I really want to
work out at Gold's Gym.

If I do, will I have
to give up my membership

to 24 Hour Fitness?

Oh, this is about what's
going on with you and Noah,

- isn't it?
- No!

Yes.

Shane, if you can't
talk about it with me,

why don't you talk about it with him?

That will be hard.

Okay, fine. You're right.

Does it look like I
need you to pimp me out?

Excuse me?

You thought that if you set me up

with a handsome Libertarian
in no-pleat khakis,

that I'd just sign off
on all your sexcapades?

What is the problem? He
likes you, you like him,

and he meets your impossible
list of must-haves.

Those weren't all my must-haves.

I need someone who can
accept me for being different

without treating me like I'm different.

Guys like that don't walk
into your life every day.

You okay?

I want to leave.

Then let's go.

Lauren, wait.

Can we please talk?

In private?

Whatever you got to say to her,

say it right there.

Fine.

Lauren, I'm so sorry.

I swear, I didn't know I was coming here.

I just knew I was going to
my girlfriend's work party.

I wasn't trying to
throw her in your face.

Why would I care if
you have a girlfriend?

After all, I'm here
with my boyfriend, Liam.

That's right.

And we have four other
parties to hit tonight,

so, uh, we should get going, babe.

That's right, Boobear.

Nice seeing you.

Hey.

I've been looking all over for you.

I realized that I lost my phone.

I'm sorry.

I know that I got a
little gushy back there

with all that "right one" stuff.

I'm so embarrassed.

Can we forget it?

I don't want to forget about it.

'Cause I... I feel the same way.

You do?

Oh.

So what did you want to tell me earlier?

Just that...

I don't want to lose you.

Oh, me neither.

So can we... be girlfriends?

Yes, please.

That guy did not take it well.

Hope he doesn't jump off a bridge.

I'm sorry for doubting you.
You were right this whole time.

Well, I wish I wasn't.

You must think I'm crazy
with all of my wacky schemes.

No.

I don't think you're crazy.

I just think you work really hard

to protect your best friend.

And...

I think I should be the one to tell Amy.

What? Why?

'Cause you two have been
through so much this year

and there's a very high probability

she's gonna shoot the messenger, so...

let me be the messenger.

But won't that ruin
your chances with Amy?

I think I'll be okay.

- We should go.
- Yeah.

Your bedroom.

Are you... Are you
moving up our sex date?

You know, I've been
thinking a lot about that

and I realized I should be
talking about it with you.

You know, we don't
have to rush into this.

Phew. I was...

I was a little nervous.

You know, I've never done this before.

Oh, uh, that's cool.

I didn't... I didn't know that.

Man, I'm so glad we're
being honest with each other.

Me too.

I was sort of spinning out

about what sex with you means.

It's embarrassing, but
I had this dumb idea

that someone was gonna
take away my gay card.

I'm a gay man, Shane.

If you don't see me as fully male,

then maybe we shouldn't date.

No, no, no. W-we should.

I just... The words came out wrong.

I thought I was ready for this. I'm not.

- Hey, but let's talk.
- We just did.

Thanks for playing
along in front of Theo.

I know how much you hate lying.

Yeah, well, I hate that guy more.

Why do I have 2,000 notifications

and why is the hashtag Booper blowing up?

Wait, what? What's happening?

Oh, my God.

One of the New Lisbeths
posted that pic of us

and now the whole Internet
thinks we're a couple.

Damnit, New Lisbeths.

That's a... That's an easy fix.

Just tweet saying we're just friends.

Right.

Of course.

I'm gonna go get us some eggnog

so we can toast our official new status.

Oh, nothing says "girlfriends"
like milk and whipped eggs.

Amy,

I thought about what you said

and I can do better.

I asked Ron to leave.

It was inappropriate of
him to drum up business

at our party.

Well, I'm proud of you for moving on.

Oh, and I'm proud of how
mature you're becoming.

You seem so content.

Sabrina really makes
you happy, doesn't she?

Yeah, she does.

Oh.

Amy. Amy.

Uh, there's something I have to tell you.

Uh, you're not gonna like this,

but Sabrina isn't who she says she is.

Really?

I would've expected this from Karma

but not from you.

Amy, please don't be mad at Felix.

It's true. We have proof.

Yeah, I didn't believe
it at first either...

Okay.

- I don't want to hear this.
- Sabrina?

Sabrina?

So you're a lesbian now?

- Evan.
- Who's this?

Her boyfriend.

- Oh.
- What?

You said you made him up.

I...

You've been lying this whole time? Why?

So she could get closer to you

to push me out.

Is this true?

Technically, at first, but
that's just because Karma was...

- Get out.
- You have to let me explain.

No! I don't want to listen to your lies

- and I never want to see you again.
- But it was a mistake.

A leopard never changes
her spots, remember?

I'm so sorry.

Don't be.

You saved me.