Faking It (2014–2016): Season 3, Episode 8 - Untitled - full transcript

Lauren's quest to save Christmas at Hester puts Amy in a difficult position. Karma helps Felix get ready to ask out Amy, and Shane learns a secret about Noah.

Previously on "Faking It"...

I'll let you crash on my couch.

My attempts at flirting can
come off as being a dick.

You like me?

You're saving yourself for Felix.

We can't have a thing.

Not until New Year's Eve.

It turns out I'm Jewish.

Oh, mazel tov.

I've always thought that I was straight,

and now I'm starting to
think that maybe I'm not.

I'm here for you.

Karma, it's late.

If this another attempt
to make me a Belieber...

No, even though he is a
legitimate musician.

Um, that's not why I'm here.

Seeing how close you and
Sabrina were tonight

at game night,

it drove me a little crazy.

And I think I finally realize why.

No. No, I cannot go back there with you.

Maybe you can go there with me.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Dude, I'm having major déjà vu.

In your defense, Sabrina is tres hot.

Hot or not, I can't
fall for another friend

who's probably just gonna
turn out to be straight.

Wait. As in it's possible she's not?

Your face says I'm right!


Sabrina may have had a sexy
female dream of her own,

but you cannot tell a
soul, especially Karma.

And if Sabrina does
decide she likes girls,

then maybe you two can end up together.

Let's talk about something else.

Oh, how are you and Noah?

Do not change the subject.

Why? What's the first subject?

Uh, how much...

I love Cholula.

But, uh, it makes me gassy.

So I'm gonna go.

Why is she wearing her crush boots?

- Her what boots?
- Her crush boots.

They kill her arches,
so she only wears them

when she's trying to get
someone's attention.

Who is it?

It can't be Felix.

She already has his attention.

The only other new person
in her orbit is...


- Your face says I'm right.
- Damn!

Amy's just gonna get her
heart broken all over again.

Pump the brakes, McSchemey.

Don't go meddling like you always do.

Just maybe let her work
this one out on her own?

Why? Is there something
else you're not telling me?

Nope! Mmm.

Eggs on tacos.

Who knew?

Mmm, mmm!

Put down the baby Jesus.

Okay, okay. Sorry.

Just wanted to set out
the menorah I made,

but apparently I'm living

in the Christmas section of Target.

Christmas is the best...

The smell of fir trees, the
crackle of the fireplace...

The crushing weight of
American consumerism

wiping out any real
meaning to the holiday...

I can still kick you out.

And until then, as your
official roommate,

shouldn't I get to also decorate?

You've been Jewish for,
like, five minutes.

Do you even know what Hanukkah's about?

Yeah, it's about the
dedication of the temple

during the Macca...

Okay, got it.

No need for the whole holy history.


You can put your Hanukkah stuff...


That's, like, one square foot.

Which is all I need.


Maybe you're an Ellen Page type.

Or a Portia de Rossi...

if you like pant suits.

Man, who knew exploring my sexuality

would be so fun?

And you make a pretty bomb tour guide.


Oh, speaking of exploring,

we should head up Lezbingo tonight.

Oh, that's a real thing?

Well, we're not gonna find
answers in a magazine.

We need to find you a girl to kiss.

Hey, ladies.

Get this.

Tonight the three amigas, movie-oke.

- Movie-what-e?
- Movie-oke.

It's like karaoke but for movies.

Alamo Drafthouse is doing "Mean Girls."

Sabrina, you would be a
killer Regina George.

Thanks, Karm,

but Amy and I have plans.

We have homework.

We have to write that essay

Yeah, for World Studies
that we're both in.

And you're not, so rain check?

You can't rain check
something like this.


Speaking of class...


Okay, Sabrina, you need to be careful.

Is that some sort of threat?

Because I don't scare easy.

What? No.

I mean for Amy's sake.

She's starting to have feelings for you.

It's true. Trust me.

You probably don't even
know all the little ways

you're sending her the wrong signals.

Amy told you this?

I'm her best friend, she didn't have to.

You two should probably stop
hanging out alone so much.

Avoid sleepovers

or any gooey talks
about your friendship.

You almost had me.

Very convincing.

You know, you're right,

you're not the same
girl you were at camp,

because that girl couldn't act.

Excuse me.

I was queen of skit night.

They threw marshmallows.

Wait, was that a good thing?

So no band practice tonight?


But maybe I could come
over to your place

and give you a private concert.


Sorry. Am I interrupting?

That's okay.

I'm late for Subversive Literature.

See you later.

Why do people keep
leaving when I show up?

You saw that, right?

I'm not just being paranoid?

Saw what?

How he cools off

just as things start heating up.

That's it.

It's so basic, I almost missed it.

Noah's not out yet.

At least you're crushing

on someone who could like you back.

Poor Amy.

Maybe she just needs to
focus on her other crush.

Penelope, what are you doing?

Did you declare war on
Christmas like Starbucks?

No, I have nothing against any holiday.

I just can't favor one over another.

And that's why there'll be no
Christmas break this year.

- What?
- People might get offended.

Who? Who are these
people that get offended

by pine trees and snowflakes?

And vacation days?

Okay, I don't know, but I'm
sure they're out there.

Why don't we just ask the students

what they think about
losing their holidays?

I am just trying to do what's right.

In an ideal world, everyone
would just wear labels

that told us exactly how
not to offend them,

but they don't.

But what if they did?

If we can get everyone
to label themselves,

can we have our holidays back?

How on Earth do you plan to do that?

Not long now.

Uh, till what?

New Year's, silly.

You and Amy's date.

It's not really a date.

It's more vague and no official plan.

Felix? She likes you.

Set it up. Ask her out for real.

Woo her with a grand gesture.

Well, I don't think I'm
so good at the woo.

Well, lucky for you, 'cause
I am great at the woo.

Come over tonight.

I'm gonna Cyrano the crap out of you.

At Hester, we take pride
in our differences,

and that's why I'm introducing

Hester's new mandatory
sensitivity census.

It's easy.

You just enter the identity booth

and pick the labels that
best represent who you are.

Be sure to wear your labels proudly

so everyone can support you.

And so that we can have Christmas.

Is that everything?

Look, I want to "ho ho ho"
as much as the next Joe,

but Noah shouldn't be
forced to label himself gay

if he's not ready.

I don't think it counts

when the person's already out.

Hey, there.

Gay there.

Um, is that a surprise?

Do I give off a straight
vibe when we kiss?

Good one.

So, uh, what about tonight?
You want to come over?

My mom's usually out by 9:00
after half a box of rosé.

I shouldn't.

Big theoretical math test tomorrow

that I will theoretically fail
if I don't hit the books.

Some other time?


See? You were worried for nothing.

Oh, he's hiding something,
just not that he's gay.

Or he just really has to study.

No one at this school studies.

You realize you're probably spinning out

over nothing, right?


But we should follow him home tonight

just to be safe.


Oh, there he is.

Oh, told you. He's cheating.

Doesn't prove anything.

Oh, great.

We got another thruple sitch.


You guys looking for a bed tonight?

Uh, sorry, I'm taken, and
he's straight, so...

Wait. What is this place?

Homeless shelter for LGBTQ youth.

Oh. Uh, sorry.

Our mistake. Thanks.

So Noah's cheating with a
bunch of homeless guys.



Does this... Does this look okay?

She's not gonna be able
to tell from her window.


Lord, you are just too
cute for your own good.

Hi, Farrah.

Um, is... is Amy home?

Oh, no. Sorry, hon.

Oh, you want me to grab
my phone real quick

and send her a VineTube or a video chat

or whatever it is you
kids use these days?

Amy said she'd be here studying.

Where did she go?

Oh, some bingo thing with Sabrina.

I'm sure she'll be back soon.

Oh, you!

Hey, um, this was a mistake.

Thanks for all the support, but...

I'm gonna head home.

Let's go over tomorrow's shift schedule

for the label makers.

Yeah, that'll be quick.

I'm not taking any.

What? Why?

Making people label themselves
doesn't celebrate differences.

It just calls them out.

No, but our holidays are
being held hostage.

That's your battle, not mine.

You sucker-punched that narc
to go to jail with Karma?

- Yeah.
- That's loyalty.

That's Amy.

Loyal to a fault.

Sweet tea runs right through me,

so I need to see a man about a horse.

So where were you two?

I can't tell you that.

I thought we were past all
the secrets and lies.

It's not what you think.

Really? Because I think you
have a crush on Sabrina.

Damn it, Shane.

It wasn't Shane. It's obvious.

Okay, you got me.

I might have a tiny crush.

But it's not the end of the world.

Amy, how can you say that?

I mean, you've fallen for
a straight friend before.

And I know how much that hurt you.

Thanks for the warning, Officer,

but you don't have to
police my feelings,

especially when they're not about you.


Come on, people.

Get your diversity on!

You haven't buttoned up yet?

It's not rocket science.

You like guys. You like girls.

Just (BLEEP) pick "bisexual"
so we can have Christmas!

That might be the strangest thing

I've ever heard anyone say.

Ugh. Excuse me.

You're not the only one I
have to yell at right now.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Hi to you too.

One minute, you're all
Hanukkah and the Maccabees

and blah, blah, blah, and the next,

you're throwing your
menorah in the trash?

What happened to your
heritage, your dad?

Well, that's just it, Lauren.

I got a call yesterday.

My dad had a small estate,
and so they did a DNA test.

Turns out he's not my dad,
so I'm not even Jewish.

Hey, this seat taken?

Well, I was saving it for Adam Lambert,

but I'm starting to
think he's a no-show.

You know you can tell me
absolutely anything, right?

People say I'm the best at listening.

Like, I could provide
references upon request.

That's kind of... odd.

What are you getting at?

It's... okay. I already know.

Know what?

That you're... homeless.


And how exactly did you figure that out?

Did you follow me?

It's okay. There's nothing
to be ashamed of.

Lots of kids get kicked out
or run away for being gay.

Actually, I'm not ashamed of anything,

and you don't know what the
(BLEEP) you're talking about.

Try not to follow me this time.

Oh, there you are.

Oh, man! Lauren got to you?

Don't listen to her.

It wasn't Lauren.

Look, you've been an awesome coach,

but I think my slugger
only bats one way.

And now we can both move on.

You don't have to waste your time on me.

It wasn't a waste.

I'm gonna go get us a spot.

Yes! Whoo-hoo!

We have an asexual.

That leaves us with...

Amy Raudenfeld.

Label! Label!

Label! Label! Label! Label! Label!

Fine! Okay, fine.


Not going to the diversity assembly?

Uh, no, it's... It's a little misguided.

Kind of like my attempt
at a grand gesture.

No, that was my fault.

I pushed you too far with
the whole singing thing.

Amy likes you for you,
not my version of you.

Well, you know, you were
right about one thing.

I do want to make New Year's official,

so I decided, uh, to give her this.

She can set it to
midnight New Year's Eve.

Do you think she'll like it?

I know I'd melt if I got
something like this.

Label! Label! Label!

This is it!

This is the last piece of
the sensitivity puzzle.

Label! Label! Label!

Label! Label! Label! Label!


Isn't this what you wanted

so you can get holidays off?

Or did you think that
these labels would, what,

help you understand me better?

Well, good luck with that.

I barely understand myself.


If you're proud of your
label, good for you.

Shout it from the rooftop.

I'm asexual!

Yeah, mm-hmm.

That's not what I meant. Okay.

What I'm saying is,

I'm a walking pile of contradictions.

We all are, and none of this equals us.

It's just not that black and white.

And no one should be
pressured to slap on a label

so that someone else can define them.

That's just kind of douchey.

No labels!


Promise I didn't follow you here.

Just made an educated guess.

Look, I got paranoid,

because every time we get close,

you pull away, and...

I've never had that happen before.

And my imagination went to
some pretty dark places

but only because...

I'm really falling for you.

It's been a long time
since I felt like this,

and last time,

I really screwed it up.

I don't want that to happen again.

You're right.

I did pull away,

because I knew if we got too close,

I'd have to tell you...

But now I know, and it's fine.

No, you... you don't know.

I didn't get kicked out

because my parents didn't
accept me for being gay.

They didn't accept that their daughter

was actually their son.

Shane, I'm transgender.


I haven't dated anyone
since transitioning.

I know it can be too
much for some people.

And I can see it's too
much for you, so...

Hey, don't.

It's a lot to take in.

But it doesn't change the
way I feel about you.

You can take some time
to think about it.

I don't need to.

Are you sure?

I hereby forgive you for following me.

But do me a favor.

Don't share this with anyone else.

At my old school, I was "the trans kid."

Here, I'm just Noah.

I get to disclose to people
when I feel comfortable.

I won't tell a soul.


What's this?

I told you I'm not Jewish anymore.

Wasn't that clear?

The only thing that was clear

was how connected you
feel to your faith...

More than I've ever been.

Well, the amount of
things in here twinkling

says otherwise.

Yeah, but I only love Christmas

because those are the
best memories I have left

of my mom.


Don't try and make this a moment.

I'm just saying you really have

a spiritual connection to Hanukkah.

But the DNA test...

Who cares about a DNA test?

Take it from me, biology
has very little to do

with how you really feel inside.

So if you feel you're
Jewish, then you're Jewish.

And at least this means

your real dad might still be out there,


What? Tinsel is super flammable.

You were just like, "You want a label?

How's this for a label?"

- Ugh!
- Ah!

It was just so bad-ass.

You're my new idol.

Sorry, Ronda Rousey.
You got knocked out.

It was kind of fun.

Fun? It was electrifying.

You stood up for what you believe in

and actually inspired change

in them, in me.

Does that mean you still
want to find a girl to kiss?

I think I already found one.

Okay, I'm doing this myself this time.

You cannot participate.

I'm just here for support.

And curiosity.

Don't worry, I'll hide
behind this bush...