Faking It (2014–2016): Season 3, Episode 5 - Third Wheels - full transcript

Previously on "Faking It"...

Karma and Amy will make up, and soon,

you'll be back to being number two.

Karma and I aren't
really friends anymore.

It was a thing, but
it's so not a big deal.

We're both single
again. Maybe it's our time.

Real friends are there for you

when you need them, no matter what.

- Have you seen Karma?
- She bolted a while back.

You want to grab coffee sometime?

And I wrote this one to you



after the Fourth of July Lifeguard Luau.

I was really missing you that night.

I'm sorry, is it weird
that I wrote you letters

all summer that I didn't send?

I love that you never
lost hope that we'd make up.

To be honest, I kind of have

like 50 angsty
emails in my drafts folder

that I wrote you this summer.

Really?

I'm just as dorky as you are.

Just more environmentally-conscious.

Well, I can't wait to
binge-read them all.

Seriously, Amy, my
dad's brush with death

just made me realize I need to tell



my friends and
family what they mean to me.

There's only one
person in my life who is both.

- That's you.
- Oh.

I feel the same way.

How touching.

Here we go again.

Lauren...

I'll leave you two lovebirds alone.

What's her problem?

Daddy, there is no
way I'm driving to Dallas

to stay in that pizza box
graveyard of an apartment.

You are coming to Austin this weekend,

and I'm cleaning you up.

You look like the Unabomber.

Work's just been busy, Showpony.

- You know, I...
- Mm-hmm.

We'll discuss Friday.

In your five-star hotel
room, over room service.

Can I help you?

Listen, I know that I have been

non-stop Karma for the past few days,

and we haven't
gotten to hang out, but...

Sorry to interrupt,
girls. Amy, can I borrow these?

I need to project a more youthful image

if I'm gonna get any right
swipes on Hitcher.

I'm competing with 22-year-olds
with daddy complexes.

Maybe you should
just give up and get fat.

I've thought about it,

but I still believe in romance.

And it only takes one
date to meet Mr. Right.

- Or Mrs. Right.
- Whatever. Can I?

- Yes.
- Thank you.

Where was I?

You were implying
that I'm jealous of Karma.

Which I'm not.

I'm just frustrated that you're going

back down her rabbit hole.

Mm! You know what I mean.

[groans] That's not what happened!

Her dad's heart attack made us realize

that we really need each other.

I get it. Best friends forever.

[sighs] But I need you too.

Karma's my best friend,

but you're my sister.

Former sister.

For now. You never know.

My mom has been known to recycle an ex.

Her love life is
tragic, but sustainable.

Amy, that's brilliant.

I thought it was witty.

We should get our parents back together.

Yeah. I'm brilliant.

♪ ♪

I really like you.

Oh, my God, why did I say that?

And why is my voice getting so high?

I'm really ruining this moment.

I really like you too.

You're funny, and you're smart,

and you care about people.

You're proud to be Jewish.

You're beautiful, and
you don't even know it.

If that was a line to
get me to sleep with you,

it worked.

I want to take this to the next level.

- Like, soon.
- Rachel? Order up!

Um, but not right now,

because I really
don't want to get fired.

[flamenco music]

[chuckles]

- Muffin? Can we talk to you?
- Sure.

I was just planning our weekend

of heart-healthy family fun.

Aw.

Would playing
"Operation" hit too close to home?

Wha... is everything okay?

- Oh!
- Oh, honey!

Don't worry, honey. Doc
says I'm doing great.

Yeah, we just, uh,

we have something we need to share.

And I want to hear
it. Because I love you.

Have I told you that lately?

- Oh.
- We love you too, honeybee.

But, we've been keeping a secret.

And I think the stress
of not living our truth

took a toll on your father's heart.

We were gonna wait until you graduated

and moved out to tell
you, but we've decided

we need to live for the now.

I completely agree. What is it?

Both: We're poly.

Poly...

Who?

Oh, polyamorous, sweetheart.

I means we want to date other people.

Both: Together.

Well, currently one
person in particular.

- We're dating a woman.
- Mm.

Named Diane.

- Diane.
- Diane.

But don't you worry,
we're not going to introduce you

to Diane until you're ready.

We understand it might take
a while for you to be okay...

I'm okay with it!

- Both: You are?
- Yeah.

I mean, if this Diane
person makes your heart happy,

then you have my blessing.

- All three of you.
- Oh, my.

Diane sounds really nice.

Diane. Diane. Diane.

And I don't know why
I keep saying "Diane."

- [laughter]
- Well, I am overjoyed.

So, do you want to meet her soon, then?

[gasps] What about tonight?

Ah!

Oh, I would love to meet Diane,

but, um... oh, no!

I... I just promised
Amy I would hang with her.

- Oh.
- In fact, I'm late.

So I, uh, have to go.

Um, but, I love you both.

Well, I think we nailed that.

Oh.

Is this top too over-the-top?

I'm trying it out for Frenemy Frenzy.

A new band name I'm workshopping.

The shirt is great.

The band name? Terrible.

How are things with Rachel?

Seems like you were just waiting

for Karma to give you another chance.

Everything happens for a reason.

I would have loved for
Karma and me to be together,

but it just wasn't God's plan.

Wait, so God gave
Karma's dad a heart attack

so you'd end up with Rachel?

I don't know, maybe God just wanted

me to have a fresh start.

But what if she had shown up?

Aren't you just a little bit curious?

No, I can't be curious.

I'm with Rachel now. We're "bashert."

That's Hebrew for we're "meant to be."

In fact, Shane, tonight,

we're taking things to the next level.

We're gonna have sex.

[spits]

Oh! Uh, Rabbi Josh.

- Hi, um, you okay?
- Oh, yeah.

I'm still mastering the art
of walking and drinking, but...

[nervous laughter]

How is my favorite Bar Mitzvah student?

And who is this?

Oh, um, Rabbi Josh? This
is... this is Shane.

Shalom, and mazel, and all that jazz.

Hah, "all that jazz."
I love that. Love that.

It's a real pleasure to meet you, Shane.

So what you maybe overheard, um...

- I was quoting a TV show...
- Relax.

I'm the cool Rabbi, remember?

Know what, I want you boys to come over

to my place tonight for Shabbat dinner.

We'd love to.

In fact, we'll bring the challah.

- Holla!
- Holla!

[laughter]

Yeah, okay, I will see
you two later tonight.

- See you.
- Okay.

Why are you suddenly so
eager to have dinner with my Rabbi?

Because the band
formerly known as Frenemy Frenzy

is looking to break
into the Bar Mitzvah circuit.

And Rabbi Josh might just be our in.

Wait, wait, wait. What
about your sex date?

Well, I'm not meeting
up with Rachel until later.

We can just rush through Shabbat.

And get straight to dessert.

- Oh!
- Please stop.

I work here.

My mom fell hook, line, and sinker

for the fake profile we created.

Mr. Reginald Write, Esq.,

is about to ask her out on a romantic

dancing date to the
Austin SwingFest tonight.

Meanwhile, I'll drag Daddy there too.

A little Lindy Hop is
sure to rebuild his mojo.

What? Superior dancing ability

is a part of the Cooper bloodline.

Right, okay, so,

when Mr. Wright stands Farrah up,

she'll be ready to give up on men...

Oh, like mother, like daughter.

Very funny... at that moment,

I'll swoop in, bring her inside,

she'll see a new-and-improved Bruce...

And the two of them will fall
for each other all over again.

And more importantly,
we'll be sisters again.

Two tween Lindsay
Lohans ain't got nothing on us.

- Oh, no.
- Mm-mm.

[phone dings]

Oh! Yes!

The catfish took the bait.

This challah is heavy.

Did you really need
to get the extra large?

Did you have to stop for
a 24-pack of condoms?

[chuckles] Hey, you remember Boy Scouts.

Always be prepared.

I'm going straight from
this dinner to my sex date with...

Rachel?

Liam?

You two have met?

How do you know my daughter?

- Diane?
- It's true.

My parents are in a
thruple with a woman named Diane.

And before you say anything, yes,

I do recognize the
irony of this situation

happening to a girl who's
had two almost-threesomes.

[sighs] Have you told
them how you feel about it?

I can't tell my parents I'm horrified.

My dad had a heart attack because
he kept this from me.

This is a... a new one.

[sighs]

I can't stay home tonight.

I know you're gonna be
busy parent-trapping,

but can I please tag along?

I can help.

- She can help!
- I am great at schemes.

And it's always nice to
have an extra lookout on deck.

[sighs] Fine.

But you'd better not bring
any drama tonight.

The stakes are too high.

Don't worry. I would never.

Right. Okay.

I got to go build up Daddy's confidence.

When I give you the
signal, dump your mother.

- I'm on it, Cooper.
- Drama?

- I am not Drama.
- Karma?

Molly. Lucas.

What are you guys doing at SwingFest?

We sort of misunderstood
what kind of SwingFest this was.

Well, you said you
can't wait to meet her,

and I guess the fates agree.

Honey, this is Diane.

- Karma.
- Oh.

Yay. Diane.

[forced laughter]

You work together? Such a coincidence!

And you two never realized
the connection?

- No, it...
- Together: Never came up.

Oh.

Oh, Shane, since this
is your first Shabbat,

my Becca here, she
can walk you through it.

She is the star pupil of
my Bat Mitzvah class.

Anything for you, Daddy.

I'm gonna check on the brisket.

You're taking Bar Mitzvah classes?

Your dad's a Rabbi?

Becca, hey, so,

I'm the front man of this hot new band.

How would you like to be a trendsetter?

Your Bat Mitzvah could
premiere the next big thing

in glam rock new wave pop.

My BFF Zannie booked Jessie J.

What's so special about you?

Oh, just you wait.

By the end of this dinner,

you're gonna be obsessed with me.

I was nervous to tell you.

Plus, it's me and a
bunch of 12-year-olds.

Aw, I think that's cute.

And I didn't tell you about my dad

because guys
sometimes put me on a pedestal.

Like, they don't want to
defile the Rabbi's daughter.

And sometimes, a girl could
use a good defiling.

I promise, I'm not
gonna put you on a pedestal.

Unless that's where you
want to be defiled.

- So, tonight's still on?
- Yeah, of course.

I just don't think we
should tell your dad

that we're dating just yet.

What? Liam!

I already know you guys are dating.

- And I think it's great.
- You do?

I'm the cool Rabbi.

[chuckles]

Yeah, yeah.

Let's do this.

[swing music]

♪ ♪

Ugh, I got to stall Farrah.

♪ ♪

_

_

_

Excuse me. Karma?

Hi.

And you must be Amy.

Uh, I was hoping to get
some one-on-one time with you,

but Molly and Lucas told me
how inseparable you two are,

and I guess I know more than anyone

that three's company, am I right?

Can I just say, I am in awe

of your grace and your maturity.

But I don't know why I'm so surprised.

My two favorite people made you.

So, some things you
should know about me.

I am a Pisces. Obviously.

Rachel, will you begin the prayer?

[peaceful music]

♪ ♪

[choral music]

[speaking Hebrew]

♪

- Liam?
- [gasps]

Don't worry, we won't keep you late.

I'm sure you guys have plans.

No! No rush at all.

In fact, I have a lot of very specific

questions about Judaism, so,

spare no detail, 'cause
we have all night.

Oh. Really?

No plans later, Liam?

And, I was the first kid to come out

in my elementary school.

Fourth grade. Trust me.

I've always been on the cutting edge.

You're gay. Big whoop.

Does it look like I need a makeover?

My BFF Zannie came out as pansexual

and genderqueer in second grade.

Let me guess, you started a band

in a desperate attempt
to cling onto relevancy?

Well, honey, it ain't working.

[dry chuckle]

[swing music]

♪ ♪

[applause]

Well, I have to admit. I
do feel like a new man.

Then my work here is almost done.

Okay, I'm obsessed with
this dad-daughter bonding thing.

And a single dad I'm guessing?

- I don't see a ring.
- Uh, well, yeah.

You guessed correct, yeah.

[laughter]

Okay, well if you're tired,

you need a break,
honey, I can always cut in.

Sorry, no breaks... this is a non-stop

daddy-daughter dancing date.

Oh, muffin.

We're so glad that you and
Diane are hitting it off.

Because, we're officially asking her...

- To be our girlfriend, yes.
- [screams]

Tonight, after the SwingFest.

Look at us D-T-R-ing like the kids do.

[laughter]

Ashcrofts!

Come dance with me!

[rockabilly music]

♪ ♪

We have to break them up. Tonight.

Yeah, we really do.

♪ ♪

And, so Liam, that
is absolutely everything

that happens at a bris.

You have any other questions?

- Dad?
- Hmm?

Um, Liam was saying

that he's really
struggling with his Torah portion.

Do you think it would be
okay if we went up to my room

so he could practice his Hebrew tongue?

Oh, no. That's not necessary.

That is a great idea.

Rachel is an amazing tutor.

You're doing it.

You're putting off our defiling.

I admit it... I
thought I could see past it,

but you're Rabbi Josh's daughter,

and every time I look
at you, I see an angel.

Jews don't even do angels.

You have a lot to learn about Judaism.

We don't have shame
around sex. Tell him, Dad.

Oh, yep. Rachel is exactly right.

You know, most religions, if
you have sex outside of marriage,

well then you go straight
to hell, but Jews,

we don't have a hell, so it's all good.

As long as you're
safe, you have my blessing.

Dad, you're the best.

You're right. I'm not special.

I used to be.

But now it's intersex people,

trans folk,

pansexual genderqueers... who am I?

You're nobody.

So now that we're
agreed, I can represent you.

I saw you play at the Brew-&-Chew.

You're decent, but once
you play at my Bat Mitzvah,

all of my friends will demand you too.

Of course, I'll be taking a 40% cut,

have set list
approval, and let's be real.

I will take that makeover.

[swing music]

You need a breather, Showpony?

No! I love this song.

♪ ♪

What are we looking for, anyway?

Anything of Diane's that could

be a deal breaker to my parents.

We want a "Trump" bumper sticker,

proof that she's an
undercover DEA Agent,

any smoking gun.

[gasps]

Or, actual smokes.

My parents hate smoking.

Karma, my necklace got
caught in the stick shift.

Let me help you.

[grunting]

[screams] Ow!

Karma, I don't even
think this plan is gonna work.

Your parents, are,
like, the most accepting

people on the planet.

I don't think they
have any deal breakers.

Well, actually,

there's one, and that's you,

if you tell them how you really feel.

Yeah, but keeping this
secret made my dad sick.

What if I tell him, and he dies?

Okay, now that you've said it out loud,

do you realize how
ridiculous that sounds?

Yeah, you're right.

God, Amy, I'm so lucky to have you back.

- I missed us.
- Oh, me too.

[phone buzzing]

Oh! The parent trap!

_

Uh...

Oh...

_

_

[engine turning over]

Lauren!

You're here?

Uh-huh. It's such a coincidence.

Let me guess, you've been stood up.

Why did I get my hopes up?

Oh, maybe leaving
your father was a mistake.

You should really come inside.

Oh. Okay.

[slow swing music]

♪ ♪

Oh.

♪ ♪

Oh.

Thanks, Sis.

♪ ♪

[sighs]

Wait, are you sure?

Your dad's just in the other room.

What? He gave us his
blessing, didn't he?

It's totally kosher.

- I love being Jewish.
- [laughs]

And that's why my band... name TBD...

must play Becca's Bat Mitzvah.

They're a bit pricey, but worth it.

Well, how can I argue with my
favorite Bat Mitzvah student

and the boyfriend of my
best Bar Mitzvah student?

[chuckles] What?

Liam?

We're not boyfriends.

Liam's as hetero as they come.

[scoffs]

[crash!]

[moans]

- Liam!
- [yelps]

How dare you?

You said it was kosher.

You need to find a new temple.

[camera shutter clicks]

Mom, Dad.

The truth is, I'm really uncomfortable

with this whole poly-Diane thing.

I didn't want to upset
you, but I have to be honest.

We were a bit surprised you
were so accepting so quickly.

So you'll stop seeing Diane?

Oh, sweetheart.

No.

We appreciate that you're
living your truth,

but we have to live ours as well.

But we don't ask
her to move in just yet.

And we'll make sure to do any
sleepovers at her place.

Lauren, I'm sorry.

I screwed up.

Okay, but I still think...

You can just stop.

Of course you dumped
our plan to help Karma.

I'm an idiot for even
being a little surprised.

I did all that for you.

I catfished my mom, broke her heart...

Do you even want
them to get back together?

Honestly? I don't know.

I don't really care if
Bruce is my stepdad.

But I know that I want you as my sister.

Well, I don't,

not if you're always
going to pick Karma over me.

That's not fair.

Karma and I are best friends.

You and I are sisters.

Stop saying we're sisters!

We're not and we never will be again.

It's over.

I'm moving out.

Next on "Faking It"...

This weekend is the
Haunted Hester party.

Supposedly everyone who goes hooks up.

I was hoping your breakup with Rachel

wouldn't get you down.

She helped me see that
I have zero business

being in a relationship.

So I heard it's a big hook-up fest.

No, no, I'm not.

I'm just going as Karma's wingwoman.

Oh. I was gonna show up.