Faking It (2014–2016): Season 2, Episode 8 - Zen and the Art of Pageantry - full transcript

- I really like you.

Lesbians move fast and
they are viciously territorial.

I told you from the beginning,
I'm not coming out.

- There's no shame.

I just have to land
some sponsorships.

I can't do this
if karma's gonna be

Lingering
in the background.

- I'm just trying to help.

- You're making things worse!

Your parents think
that you're still with amy.

Why does it feel like
she's your girlfriend



And I'm second best?

Karma, tell your face
I forgive you.

Oh, thank god. I can't take
both of you being mad at me.

- Both of us?

After dinner
the other night,

Liam and I got
into a huge fight.

He feels second place
to, well, you.

- Because he is.

I mean, not that
it's a competition.

I need to show him
how much he means to me,

So I've decided
to come out to my parents

And tell them
liam's my boyfriend.

They're gonna be
really disappointed.

They just got
matching rainbow tattoos.



I know, I should have
said something earlier,

But it felt so nice to be
their favorite child for once.

Have you thought about
what you're gonna say?

- I was knocked unconscious

In a particularly brutal
game of dodgeball

And woke up straight.

Maybe if they're high
when you tell them.

Have you thought about
telling the truth?

You know that's
not how my brain works.

- Yeah.

But it would make
liam really happy.

He's never told a lie
in his life.

Oh, god, they're gonna be
so disappointed.

Well, at least
they still have

Your brother
in the peace corps.

Sorry, not helping.

- Oh.

You look even more beautiful
than I did when I won

Miss teen cactus flower
20 years ago.

To be fair, we didn't have
today's cosmetics back then.

Are you gonna invite this
new boy you've been seeing?

- Absolutely not.

Some guys find pageants
a little weird.

- I hate to say it, baby,

But I think pink's
more your color.

Under the floodlights,

That blue's gonna make you look
like an albino child hooker.

- Bruce!
- What?

- Pfft.

You guys are
taking this dress

More seriously than
nana's breast cancer scare.

We all know that
you hate pageants.

But remember,
they're the reason

I'm a meteorologist today.

Oh, they taught you how to
smile vacuously for the camera?

They paid
for my education.

I've always dreamed
of having a daughter

I could share
the pageant experience with.

And now I do.

Plus, this one
could actually win.

I can't believe
she said that.

- What do you care?

You wouldn't want
to enter anyway.

But if I did,
I could win.

Well, you would rock
the swimsuit competition.

See, I could at least
make it to the finals.

- That would be hilarious.

You could blow
the whole thing up

By calling out
how sexist pageants are.

Are we women or are we
prize cattle at the county fair?

- Moo.

- I think I'm gonna do it.
- Wait, really?

Yeah, I'm gonna show my mom
that I can win that crown.

And then take down
the whole pageant industry!

- Yeah, that too.

After I win.

How does anyone
take these names seriously?

Missionary?
Full mount?

I'm surprised there's no move
called "deep penetration."

Oh, there is.
You want me to show you?

- Mm-hmm.

- dance with me

and shake your bones

All these private sessions
are starting to pay off.

he's been waiting

Keep it in your pants,
junior.

You got a big match tomorrow.

You're gonna need
all your juice.

- Sure thing, dad.

- Dad?

You must be this shane
he keeps talking about.

Kinda skinny for you,
ain't he?

You get him to sign
that nda yet?

- Nda?

- Non-disclosure agreement.

You mind signing one
real quick?

Hey, family.
Family adjacent.

Honey, what are you
doing here?

I'm doing what you always
wanted, mother.

I'm entering
a beauty pageant.

- Oh, I needed that.

Well, let's go review
your choreography.

This morning, your fouettes
were a little limp.

- And who's this?

- Oh, this is my coach.
- Mm-hmm.

- I'm reagan.
- Mm-hmm.

Could we...

Why are you doing this?

- For world peace.

Right.
Not to embarrass me

By flaunting
your purple-haired friend

In everyone's face?

You know, I have
a reputation to uphold.

Don't worry, mother.
I'm not here to embarrass you.

I'm here to win.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, god.

- Hey, farrah!

I really appreciate
you doing this for me.

But why are you so worried?

Your parents are the most
nurturing human beings on earth.

- Mom is president of pflag

And dad created a smoothie
based on my sexuality.

Worst-case scenario, he might
have to rename "lezberry blast."

- Mom, dad!
- Oh, hi, honey.

- I am so glad you're home.

Liam,
what a nice surprise.

My brother
from another mother.

uh, liam's here because, uh...

I...we...

I have something
I want to tell you.

Oh, that's great sweetheart,
but can't it wait?

Because we have
a big surprise.

Look who's back
from saving african children!

- Zen.
- Is that my little sis?

Hester's very first
lesbian homecoming queen?

I'm so proud.

Bring it in.

See? I knew you'd kill it
in the swimsuit round.

But my talent only got
a five out of ten.

Nobody respects
how hard it is to yo-yo.

- Hey, it's still better

Than the girl who did
rifle twirling.

Because she shot herself
in the foot.

Trust me, hey,
you've got this on lock,

And I kind of like seeing you
all glammed up.

- Uh, I can't.

Lipstick.

Careful of that
ankle wobble thing

You always do
when you're in stilettos.

- Right, right.
- I don't want to see that,

And no stomping.
- Mm-hmm.

- Right?

You just prance,
my little show pony.

Okay?

What?
He just wants me to win.

Every parents wants
their kid to win.

He's taking it
to another level.

Because he knows
how bad I want it.

- Which is why exactly?

Because you
just love being judged

On how you look
in a bikini?

Hmm, you wouldn't
understand.

- Please, I am doing this

Because I have
something to prove,

And I can tell
you do too.

But are you trying
to prove it to yourself

Or to him?

- Trying to get in my head?

Maybe you're cut out
for pageants after all.

And now, for the anticipated
evening gown round.

First up, lauren cooper!
- Ah.

- Prance, little show pony.

Next we have
amy raudenfeld!

- Oh, god.

Oh.
- I love her.

- Statuesque.

That's my daughter up there!
Oh!

Oh, you poor thing,
you must have been terrified.

Well, I didn't have
the luxury of being terrified.

You know,
those people needed me.

So I took my fear

And turned it into strength.

That's why I hope to return soon
and set up an orphanage.

- Wow, that's amazing.

- The kids are so inspiring.

You know, I really identify
with their struggles.

Mom and dad adopted you
in houston.

Both: But you were born
in our hearts.

- What about you, liam?

What journey led you
to our family table?

Well, I think karma
would like to tell you

All about that.

Um...

I was knocked unconscious
in gym,

And when I woke up,
liam was there,

And we became study buddies.

- You can't be serious.

I know you would never
leak anything,

But I have to protect myself.
Will you just sign it?

I wonder if this is
how katie holmes felt.

Son, I might have lined up
your first sponsor.

Are you serious?
Who is it?

Everlast? Nike?
Muscle milk?

- Closet town?

- Cluck-n-go.
- Sweet!

We're gonna do
our own photo shoot today

And show them
how amazing you'd look

As the face and body
of their company.

Good idea, I'll do
some push-ups right now

So my chest looks jacked.
- I'll grab the sandwiches.

Be back in a jiff.
- Are you sure about this?

I mean, cluck-n-go is a super
conservative christian company.

They practically grill
their chicken over hellfire.

They're also my shot
at going pro.

And they taste delicious.

I thought tonight was about
coming out to your parents.

Look, I promise
I will tell them next week

When saint zen
has ascended back to heaven.

First,
you don't want to hurt amy,

Then it's the school,
and now it's your family.

Do you really want
to be with me?

Of course, I do.
That's not what...

Liam, can you help me
get the wheat germ

From the top shelf?

- Wow, what a bind.

Tell our parents
you're a fake lesbian

Or lose your boyfriend.

Mom and dad are gonna be
so disappointed to learn

That lezberry blast was just
a flavor of the month.

You made it
to the finals!

Okay, time to blow
this up.

After they ask you
the first question,

I'm gonna wait for you to say

The first sentence
of your speech.

Beauty pageants destroy
women's sense of self-worth.

Right, then I'll start
our slide show

Of emaciated models
with rotten teeth,

And you'll
continue your speech

About the unrealistic
expectations of beauty

Men put on women.
- Got it.

Then you'll say,
as an out-and-proud lesbian,

You could care less
what men think.

Uh, we did not talk
about that last part.

I know.
Uh, I just added it.

Genius, right?

I gotta go load
the slide show on the laptop.

You're gonna kill it.

Whoo, kill it!
Ugh!

- Oh.

- You look stunning.

Well, you always did
like me in a dress.

Honey,
when you entered,

I thought you were doing it
just to mock me

Like you usually do,
but I was wrong.

I'm sorry I misjudged you.

You know, when I found out
I was having a little girl,

I was so excited.

I couldn't wait
to dress you in pink

And go shopping
and share clothes,

But you were never that girl,

And I had a hard time
letting that go.

I've wanted to connect
with you for so long.

Seeing you up on that stage,

It means the world to me.
Thank you.

And your girlfriend reagan
seems like a lovely young woman.

You should invite her over
sometime for dinner

So we can get to know her
better.

- I'd like that.

- Oh.

Oh, don't tell lauren,
but I'm rooting for you.

Oh, knock 'em dead.

What's the best way
to deal with I.S.I.S.?

- Drones.
- Russian aggression

In former soviet bloc countries?
- Drones.

- North korea?
- Drones. The answer is always

Drones.
I'm not a idiot.

- Well, of course you aren't.

But foreign policy isn't exactly
your strong suit,

And after that
evening gown debacle,

We need all the points
we can get.

Oh!
Why is it so important to you

That I win this stupid pageant?

Wh...
because it's important to you.

Only because you've been
signing me up for pageants

Since I was five!

The same year you found out
I was intersex.

Oh, now, honey, hush.
Let's not talk about that here.

All this time, I thought
you were proud of me, but...

Really, you're ashamed,
aren't you?

Oh, baby girl,
that's not true.

And now, for the final round,
the interview.

Thanks for the pep talk,
daddy.

This is enough food
to feed my entire village.

Well, ever since
we introduced baked goods,

The juice truck's
really taken off.

Zen, I wish you could have
been here

When karma and amy were crowned
homecoming queen.

They even made it
onto the evening news.

So, where is the other half
of this power couple?

- Uh...

Well, you see,
it's a good story.

- And hopefully accurate.

I'm straight,
and liam's my boyfriend.

- You're kidding.

Oh, dear god.
- Oh.

Honey, what...
why would you be so cruel?

Because...
You've never been as proud of me

As the day I came out,
and...

I liked how it felt
for you to be proud of me.

- Lucas, what have we done?

- We've dimmed her inner flame.

Come here, honey.

Family cuddle, come here.
- Oh, we are proud of you

No matter what.

But you're 100% sure
you're not even questioning?

No, right, right,
that's not the point.

How can you let her off
so easy?

She's mocking
the gay rights movement.

It's not her fault, zen,
it's ours.

We created a situation
where she wasn't comfortable

Being herself.
- Oh.

Well...

I quit the peace corps.
Yeah.

I'm an assistant manager
at suburban suppliers.

in dallas.

- I was afraid to tell you

Because I thought you'd be
disappointed in me.

But I just couldn't handle
living

With near constant diarrhea
and no a.C.

- Mmm.
- Oh, sweetie. Oh!

All right, let's see
that killer smile.

Bring the chicken burger
closer to you.

There we go.

Don't!
I can't stand here

And watch you do this.

Cluck-n-go is
a horrible corporation

That has fired gay employees

And given millions of dollars
to anti-gay causes.

They also give money
to m.M.A. Fighters,

So less talkin', more eatin'.

Look, if you don't want to be
a role model, I get it,

But it's on a whole other level
to be the spokesman

Of a company that's actively
working against our rights.

Son, we're not selling
politics.

We're selling chicken.
Eat the damn sandwich.

Don't eat
that homophobic sandwich.

I hope you don't choke on it.

I know you have
a tricky gag reflex.

All sides...
Heretofore...Sand storm?

- Thank you, krystal,

For that illuminating answer
about syria.

And now,
we have amy raudenfeld.

Not everyone looks on pageants
in a favorable light.

What would you say
to their detractors?

- Um...

It's...it's a very complex issue.

And I could see both sides.

- I'll answer that question.

I'd say the detractors
are right.

Who wears stilettos
with a bathing suit?

Who tapes underwear
to their butt?

Is this what real girls do?

And is this how
we should be judged,

By how pretty or girly we are?

Well, I've been judged enough,
and I'm done.

- Can I do my question over?

Good-bye, butt tape.
I will miss you the least.

wow.

I did not figure you
for a pageant girl.

You know, there's a lot
about me you don't know.

Here's the deal.
I really like you,

And if we're going to have
a real relationship,

You need to know the real me,

Because I don't want to hide
who I am anymore for anybody.

- You're not an alien, are you?

'cause that could be
a deal breaker.

- It's not something bad.

At least, I hope that's not
the way you see it.

Last time I had
this conversation with a guy,

Things didn't go so well.

See, I'm not your average girl.

We had a plan,
and you didn't follow through.

Look, I couldn't do that
to my mom.

It literally
would have killed her.

You didn't introduce me
as your girlfriend,

And then you didn't want to say
you're a lesbian.

Are you straight?
- No, I'm not.

Where is this coming from?
You know I'm into you.

I had this girlfriend
that I was crazy about.

And then she dumped me
to get back with her ex...

Boyfriend.

First, I don't have
an ex-anything.

And second, I'm not her.

- She told me I was a phase.

I can't go through that again.

- Hey, you're not a phase to me.

working its wonders
and now for you

under the ocean, outcast
with nowhere to go

nowhere to go
nowhere to go

a brighter forecast
new winds will blow

we let it go
we let it go

a storm that's drawing near

- Are you ready?

- and the air is clear

waste my youth chasing kites

I'm so proud of you

For being honest
with your parents.

I'm proud of me too.

God, it feels so good
to get that off my chest.

Oh, you were totally right
about lying, it's the worst.

Not only are you insanely hot,

But you also make me
a better person.

- Wait, karma.

I have to confess something.

Okay.

- The night we broke up...

I slept with somebody.

It didn't...it didn't mean
anything.

I was hurt and upset and angry.

- Well, this isn't fun to hear.

But we weren't together
when you did it,

So I can't exactly
hold it against you.

I mean, it's not like it was
with someone I know.

- It's not like it was with amy.

Get out.

- Wait, please, karma, just...

- Get out!

We are forming our
future civilization.

Have you guys seen karma?
I need to find her.

She knows about me and liam.
Both: She knows?

- You know?
- You know?

- Did you eat brandi's brownie?

Karma, you can't just
shut me out.

I've got nothing
to say to you.

- Karma's gonna kill her.

There's no fixing this.
Our friendship is over.