Faking It (2014–2016): Season 2, Episode 14 - Saturday Fight Live - full transcript

Previously on "Faking It"...

When I got outed
and lost my sponsorship,

it was the worst day
of my life.

(Amy) Why don't you just tell Duke
you outed him?

When you asked if any of it
was real, I only said no

because my boss was listening.
I want you back.

(Karma) Since the drug bust,
we're broke.

Why didn't you tell me?

I'm living in the juice truck
in my back yard.

It's humiliating.

Does this have to be
the end?



We're just
in different places, Amy.

I just can't believe
it's over.

[birds chirping]

[inhales deeply]

Hey.
Morning.

Hey.

Uh, looks like we fell asleep
marathoning Sherlock.

That explains my dream.

Cumberbatch was making me
Eggs Benedict.

Yeah-huh.

Thanks for staying over
last night again.

You've really helped me
through this breakup.

Mm-hmm.

You know it's Saturday.



You don't have to rush
to school.

Well, we told
Liam, Shane, and Duke

we'd meet them
for coffee, remember?

We did?

I don't know what
I was thinking.

Coffee's bad for you,
addictive really.

It's basically a drug.

Amy, you can't
wallow forever.

Says who?

Let's wallow together
forever.

We need to resist
the inertia of this room

and get into the world.

You go.
Between "Shuke" and "Kiam,"

I'll just be Amy,
the fifth wheel.

Amy.

Go, seriously.

If I'm around any more
lovey-dovey crap, I might vomit.

I miss your eyes.

I miss your lips.

I miss kissing you.

I miss kissing you
in public.

Me too, but we talked
about this.

I know, if anyone found out,
we'd both be in hot water.

You'd lose your job.
I'd lose my presidency.

Hester hates you, Theo.

Crap! I did it again.
I can't stop calling you Theo.

[laughs]
Then don't.

I've always liked the name.
That's why I picked it.

Plus, I love the way
you say it.

Theo, Theo, Theo.

[chuckles]

Oh. I was hoping
that would summon you,

like Beetlejuice.

Actually,
I was just there.

Now, there might be a secret
note on your back porch.

- For me?
- Yes.

Ten points for gentility.
Hold, please.

[scoffs]
Look what I found, look.

"I'm counting the hours
until I see you again."

[scoffs]
What is that?

I don't know.
It's definitely not for me.

[gasps]

Oh, my God, I know
exactly what this is.

You do?

My mom is having an affair.

[sighs]
This blows.

Isn't working
on the weekend

more of a thing
for the service industry?

Dad says when you love what
you do, every day is a weekend.

Wow.
I think that's

the first time I've ever heard
you use the D-word.

After last week,
that's got to be

some kind of breakthrough
or something.

- Is it?
- Maybe it isn't.

But I'm stuck stapling
on a Saturday,

so I'm searching
for a silver lining.

Ah, my two favorite interns.

Looking good, Mr. B.
Have you been working out?

[chuckles] Zita, would you excuse us
for a moment, please?

No problem.
I'll just deliver these

while you two "skwerk" it out.
[chuckles]

I like her.

Ugh.

No, I mean,
I like her for you.

I'm seeing someone already,
remember?

Yeah, Karma.
Yeah, I can't seem to forget.

The one I bailed out of jail,
the one that roofied me.

[laughs]

Okay, well, yes, but,
technically, that wasn't her.

Trust me,
Karma is awesome.

They all seem awesome until
they come after your money.

That's what I like about Zita.
She's got piles of her own.

I told you.

Okay. You're free to choose
whatever path you wish.

It's just my instinct
to protect you.

No matter what you think,
you're my son.

[humming]

♪ ♪

Is that a new haircut,
Mother?

Why?
Is it too short?

Oh, that darn Becky
at the salon,

so liberal with her scissors...
and other things.

No, it looks nice.

Oh.
[laughs]

Too nice.

I've seen it all before...
the hairdo, the happiness.

- She's cheating.
- You don't know that.

Maybe then
it was from Bruce.

Nope, this is
my mom's pattern.

She cheats on every husband
with the next one.

Every guy is a roll
of the ass[bleep] dice.

Believe it or not, Bruce was
the best in the bunch.

And, uh...

this whole step-sister thing
wasn't so terrible either.

Same.

Right.

So this is our family,

and it's up to us
to keep her from wrecking it.

If we can prove
she started something.

You have a tendency
to fly off the handle

with too little information.

Remember
the croquembouche?

[laughs]

I'm sorry, it's just
a funny word.

Oh, "croquembouche."

[clears throat]

Are we being
that couple again?

Sorry, not sorry.

Sorry for real sorry.

I've just been so busy
with appearances,

deal negotiations,
fight prep, and...

When we do get together,
we want to make the most of it.

I get it, really.

I mean, Liam's gonna be here
any second,

and I'm sure we'll be
just as annoying.

[both laughing]

Hi.

(Liam)
Hey, what's up, boys?

(Duke)
Liam, good to see you.

Oh, Zita.
Hi.

Hope it's okay to crash
your group hang.

My friends usually
spend Saturdays

doing mandatory
community service.

[boys laugh]

Karma, hey, love the bag.
Vera Wang, right?

No.
Uh, it's actually H&M.

Oh, cute.

I've actually got to get going.
I've got a flight to catch.

I've got my first
professional MMA fight

tonight in Los Angeles.

- Man, that's awesome.
- Congratulations.

On pay-per-view
and everything.

People are paying
for my boyfriend

and not in a hooker-y way.

[laughter]

I'd say, "Break a leg,"
but, you know, don't.

Sucks his publicist couldn't
get him a plus-one plane ticket.

On the bright side, my boyfriend
has a big, fancy publicist.

It's almost like Duke's
unstoppable since he came out.

Oh, is that how
it happened?

Hey, why don't we all
chip in,

and we can watch
the fight on TV?

Or we could fly to Los Angeles
and watch it for real.

Zita, not everyone can afford
last-minute plane tickets.

Ew, commercial?
No.

I meant we can take
my family jet.

[sighs]
Hey, Veronica Mars,

do you really expect to find
anything in there?

Uh, yeah, okay?
Maybe more clues,

like a receipt
for a fancy perfume

or a-a-a gym membership.

Neither of those are
exactly a smoking gun.

[gasps]

_

[scoffs]

Is this smoking enough
for you?

Oh, my God!

Somebody is having
an affair.

[sighs]
Go get the toilet paper,

'cause [bleep] just
got real.

Do all jets come
with a masseur that good?

Another couple minutes,
and I might have been

in the mile high club.

[laughter]

Zita, how can I ever
thank you?

Well, when you and Duke
adopt your first

cute ethnically ambiguous baby,
you can name her after me.

- Done.
- [laughter]

♪ Ready
for the good life now ♪

♪ Ba-da da-da-da-da-da ♪

We're here!

Okay, Duke's weigh-in
is just about to start.

We'll make it
just in time.

You guys have fun
with that.

Come on, Karma,
let's hit Rodeo

and get something to wear
for the fight tonight.

We can even get something
for the boys too... my treat.

Okay.

Hey, are you okay
with all of this?

You know, with things, um,
back home right now,

I wouldn't blame you
if you felt uncomfortable.

[scoffs] The only thing
that was uncomfortable

was the turbulence
over Arizona.

You're sweet to worry about me,
but I'm having a blast.

What do you mean, you think
the cheater is Bruce?

He has a history
of cheating too.

Just ask any of his
four broken engagements,

and he's been acting
all suspicious lately,

desperate for my affection.

Yeah, it's been like that ever
since your pageant meltdown.

- I'm telling you, it's him.
- Shh, pshh!

What are you two
gabbing about?

Oh, nothing, just homework.
Lauren got a question wrong.

Wha...

Mom, why aren't you wearing
your wedding ring?

Silly, I always take my rings
off before cooking,

ever since the garbage disposal
incident of 2006.

Perfectly reasonable
explanation.

Maybe you wouldn't know
because you never cook anything.

That's a new shirt, Dad.
Expanding your wardrobe lately?

I might have bought a few things
with a very thoughtful gift

a very thoughtful little lady
gave me.

Gift giving?

Making up for something,
Mother?

Honey!

Oh. I know
what this is about.

You're still smarting
from your breakup.

And I'll bet right now you hope
that you will never fall

in love again,
but your soul mate is out there.

You'll find him someday...
or her.

Them.
Whoever.

[laughs]

[camera shutters clicking,
indistinct chatter]

You, sir, are about to be
very, very famous.

I guess that'll make me
famous adjacent.

Shane, oh, my God!
What are you doing here?

I mean, when?
How?

Zita flew us here in her plane.
She's now my new best friend.

- Hey!
- Wow, the Liam Booker.

That product launch
was a PR triumph.

I've already pre-ordered
my monocle.

Guys, this is
my publicist, Joanna.

Now to the scales,
Duke Lewis, Jr.!

I'll be right back...
I just have to go

intimidate the [bleep]
out of this dude real quick.

Make him cry.

- Yeah!
- All right, Duke!

(man)
Whoo-hoo!

171 1/2.

[cheers and applause]

Yeah!

Now, gentlemen, face off.

You don't have to stay
for this part, Shane,

if it makes you jealous.

Not one bit.
Trust me, I know who Duke

is going to prom with,
and it ain't that guy.

Prom?
You're in high school?

People are always so shocked
when I say that.

[laughs]

You look like
a million bucks.

Well, that's because this dress
almost costs that much.

I told you not to look
at the tags.

This trip is on me.

You're sure.

100%. I don't want you to think
about money all weekend.

It sounds like you could use
a break from that.

Uh, can you do me?

Oh, uh, Liam told you
about our money problems?

Yeah.
Skwerkel is boring,

so we just blah, blah, blah
about everything

so we don't
gouge our eyes out.

That's why I thought this trip
would be a good escape,

for you and for Liam.

He had all that
bio-dad drama last week.

Right.
Yeah, that was tough,

tough on Liam.

I can't believe that art douche
was after Liam's money.

What a prick.

(both)
Mmm.

One of them is
a really good liar.

Mm-hmm.
Emmy award winning.

I'm gonna head into the office
for a bit, sugar plum.

Uh, this late on a weekend?

Yeah, it's less distractions.
Have a good night.

Okay, We're following
his ass right now.

20 bucks says he leads us
straight to his floozy.

Sorry, girls.
The station called.

There's a chance
of wind sheer tonight,

and they want me there,
just in case.

Don't wait up.

Uh-huh, uh-huh!

There's no such thing
as wind sheer... I think.

Well, [bleep], it could still
be either of them.

- Who do we follow?
- [sighs]

Neither.
We're gonna go to that motel.

It's time for a stakeout.

[sighs]

[scoffs]
Neither car is here.

We must have beat
the cheater.

Or we missed the cheater
altogether

because you had to stop
for snacks.

Have you not seen
any stakeout movies?

Snacks are essential.
We might be here awhile.

[crunching]

[sighs]

Jeez, it's like you're the one
about to get in the ring.

Well, Duke's wanted this
since preschool.

He has to win tonight in order
to be taken seriously.

Plus, watching my boyfriend
get beat to a bloody pulp

is not my idea
of foreplay...

I don't think.

Shane,
Duke is gonna slay it.

[sighs]
I hope so.

Okay, I'm gonna do some laps
to work off these nerves.

Hey, Zita.

Hi.
We're here.

You might want to scoop that jaw
up off the floor, Booker.

There are a million words

running through my mind
right now.

I'll just go with "wowza."

[laughs]
Thanks.

And you don't look
so bad yourself.

Um...

can I talk to you
for a second?

Yeah.

Zita Cruz.

- Oh.
- My apologies.

I had no idea
you were coming.

We'll get you on the list
right away.

- Okay.
- Liam, you dog.

Why didn't you tell me
you two were dating?

- Uh, because we're...
- Let's get you guys

over to the red carpet
right away.

Okay.

Sorry, sweetie.
Do you mind waiting to the side?

But I-I'm...

[photographers chattering]

[laughs]

Hey, did you see
where Karma went?

Uh, no, I thought she was
behind you.

Karma?

Shane!

- Can we offline for a sec?
- Yes.

I just want to make sure we're
both on the same page, you know,

that you're on board
with the plan.

Uh, unless the plan
is looking dangerously fly,

I don't know what
you're talking about.

[laughs]

You said you're proud
of our Duke's

- rising star, right?
- Yeah.

So you wouldn't want
to do anything

to spoil that,
now, would you?

You really like to talk
all around a thing

- before saying it, huh?
- [laughs]

Look...

I tell most of my clients
not to have a relationship

in the open,
and if they do,

it should be
with someone impressive,

usually one of my other clients,
no offense.

Yes, offense.
Very much offense.

I'm not impressive enough?

You're in high school.
It's bad optics.

Makes Duke seem...

less desirable.

It's better for Duke
if you keep your relationship

on the down-low.

- You understand.
- I certainly do not.

And Duke won't either.

Well, Duke and I
have already discussed it.

But don't worry.

I've already arranged
for you to watch the fight

in the green room,
if you'd like.

- [cell phone ringing]
- Sorry, one sec. Go for Jo.

[photographers shouting]

This sucks.

[sighs]
Marriage sucks.

Correction,
love sucks.

You don't believe that.

[scoffs]
Yeah, I do.

Wake up,
soon-to-be-former sister.

These are our role models for
happy, lasting relationships.

You and I are doomed.

_

Maybe not.

"Doomed" is such a strong
and negative word.

We are not our parents.

Wait, wait.
Here we go, here we go.

Whose car is it?

[sighs]

I was right.
It was my mom.

[horn honks]

That bitch!

Hey, there you are.

I've been looking everywhere
for you.

Uh, it turns out the dress
doesn't fit.

None of this does.

Uh, could you have your jet
take me home tonight?

I mean, that's okay, right?
You said money doesn't matter.

Yeah.
Yeah, whatever you want.

Well,
let me go with you.

No.
You belong here.

In fact, you two
belong together.

I mean, everyone else
already thinks so.

I'm just gonna...

I knew the money was
gonna be a problem.

It always screws
everything up.

It's not just the money.

I had to find out from Zita
that you thought

you found your real dad?

Liam, I'm so sorry
that happened,

but why didn't you
share that with me?

'Cause you were with Amy
all last week.

[scoffs] Watching TV.
You could've called.

Look, I don't know what I can
and can't do with you.

How am I supposed to know
what the rules are

if I don't even know
what we are?

I mean, do you... We're more
than friends with benefits,

but we're not quite
back together,

and, oh, yeah, also,
you've been tying me up.

So you tell me, Karma,
what's the answer?

I haven't had any answers since
you slept with my best friend.

There it is,
your trump card!

How many times do I have
to tell you that I'm sorry,

that I want to be
with you?

[scoffs]
Will that ever be enough?

I don't know!

I don't know.

I have to go.

[crowd cheering]

Excuse me, can you direct me
to the green room,

since that's where I'm supposed
to be locked away and hidden?

Shane, what are you
talking about?

I talked to Joanna.

After everything
we've been through,

how did you think I'd be okay
going back in the closet,

to be your secret little
boy toy on the side

when the cameras are off?

- Shane, stop.
- You stop.

Stop letting the publicist,
the paparazzi,

the pay-per-view
go to your head.

God, if I'd known it was
gonna be like this,

I never would've outed you.

(male announcer)
Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome to the ring
for the very first time

Duke Lewis, Jr.

[cheers and applause]

Just so you know,

when Joanna asked me
to keep you a secret,

I said no.

[cheers and applause]

[sad music]

♪ ♪

Hello, Karma.
Please, get in.

Maybe we should just go home.

You'll say something
you'll regret.

I'll say something
she'll regret.

We moved here for her,
uprooted our lives,

let a whole new family
into our hearts!

Farrah!
Open up!

We know you're in there
doing the devil's dead

in your pit of sin!

Maybe it wasn't my mom
after all.

Either you open this door,
or I drive my car through it!

Hey, baby.

Dad?

Hey.

You missed the whole fight.

[sighs] Yeah, I didn't really
feel like watching.

Are you okay?

That convo with Karma

looked like it was going
in a dark direction.

Did you two break up?

I don't know if there's
anything to break up.

Well, what do you want?

Honestly?

I don't know.

Well...

I know what I want.

- ♪ Is that what you found? ♪
- ♪ Is that what you found? ♪

♪ Like the other boys? ♪

Next on "Faking It"...

Welcome to detention.

For the next seven hours,
you belong to me.

Aren't you guys all friends?

[both gasp]

I don't give a [bleep]
what you think.

You're guilty
of yet another lie.

You can't just do
the wrong thing

and then pretend it's
for the right reason.

What's this?
It's a check from Max Booker.

What the hell is going on?