Faking It (2014–2016): Season 2, Episode 12 - The Revengers: The Age of the Monocle - full transcript

Man: Previously on "Faking It"...

Oh, sorry.

Since the drug bust, we're so broke

that we had to rent out our house

to Felix's family.

We're just good buddies
who occasionally have sex.

You screwed her best friend. Give up.

We were humiliated. We were betrayed.

I had this girlfriend,

and she dumped me to get
back with her ex-boyfriend.

I love you, and I'm not giving up.



Honey, I don't need a résumé.

I have a job. I'm at work right now.

Making artisanal soaps isn't a real job.

Tell my back that.

And you know my first
job will always be mother.

- Oh, I'm sensing you're upset.
- Let's see.

My parents got arrested for selling drugs,

and now I sleep in a
juice truck in our backyard

right next to a teepee where said parents

have loud sex every night.

Venus was ascending.

And I know that this has been hard,

but I promise, soon we'll
be past these money issues

and back in our house.



Only if you get real jobs.

- Okay, let's make a résumé.
- Really?

- Mm-hmm.
- Great.

Let's start with work history.

Well, I was an aura cleanser

and a mushroom forager.

And, oh, before that I
was a massage therapist.

Were you certified?

No, my style was more intuitive.

[sighs]

I wish I didn't have to go to work tonight.

These past four days have been amazing.

My lips are gonna miss you.

My whole face is gonna miss you.

I wish I could just put you in my pocket

and just take you with me.

Yeah. Yeah, me... me too.

We are down a cater waiter.

Jane quit after her vibrator
cozies blew up on Etsy.

You could take her place.

Oh, well, um...

Uh, wow, cozies.

Is that a... is that a real thing?

I need a job. I am so sorry.

I, uh, should've knocked.

Karma, relax. We were just talking.

Actually, uh,

Reagan was saying how they're
down a cater waiter tonight.

Hello, problem?

This is your answer calling.

[upbeat music]

We haven't hung out in forever.

Not since you and Reagan started nesting.

Nesting? We're not pigeons.

She's been staying in your
coop every night this week.

That's exactly why I
need to stay in tonight.

I need a little me time.

Is someone feeling a bit, "Can't breathe!"

- "Ugh, I can't breathe!"
- No, someone is not.

I just need a night off so
I can miss her, you know?

Why don't you just tell
Reagan how you feel?

Uh, why don't you just
tell Duke you outed him?

[hard rock music playing]

Is that angry music
coming from inside my head?

♪ ♪

Lauren, are you okay?

- Should we?
- Yes.

♪ ♪

Get the [bleep] out of here!

Okay, your job is to blend in.

Don't chat with guests.
You're not one of them.

And whatever you do, do
not make direct eye contact

with Creepy Steve.

Who's Creepy Steve?

The guy carving the meat.

Okay, got it. Um...

Should I get started?

Ah-ah-ah, that's for the servers.

- You're the sweeper.
- Sounds fun.

Used napkins, half-eaten skewers,

anything goopy that no one
wants to touch, grab it.

With my bare hands?

Everyone starts out as a sweeper.

It's really not that bad.

Actually, it's horrible,

but don't let it show on your face.

[sighs]

(Liam) I cannot believe
I'm about to be streamed

around the world wearing this.

Look at me. I look like a fool.

You forget that your
audience is a bunch of nerds

who are dying to have a
computer strapped to their face.

You'll be their hero,

even if you look like Mr. Peanut.

- Okay, what gives?
- Nothing.

Yeah, I'm not playing that game.

What game?

The game where you give me one word answers

and make me drag it out of you.

I'm not in middle school. Use your words.

I went to Karma's house last night,

and this shirtless guy was in her room.

Do you think they're sleeping together?

He could be a homeless guy

that Karma's helping clean up
for his first job interview.

- You think so?
- No, they're doing it.

Liam, if you want her back, just tell her.

No, she'll just say no.

She hasn't forgiven me yet.

Then tell her that you gave up art for her.

That's a pretty huge sacrifice.

- I can't.
- Why not?

Trust me, girls eat that [bleep] up.

'Cause I have my reasons, okay?

So can we just drop it?

Oh, crap.

I just opened the web browser.

Oh, that is definitely not safe for work.

Ooh.

Someone grab your ass? Don't freak.

The pervs usually give the best tips.

Liam's here.

He is? Oh, right.

This is a Skwerkel event.

Probably should have told you that.

Probably. Great.

Now I get to spend the
night picking up Liam's goop.

Crap, my ex is here too.

Hi.

Hurry. If she finds out we're in here...

She'll use our skin to make her prom dress?

The past few weeks, she's
been talking about how

she's over Theo, but look at this.

This is the work of
someone seriously unhinged.

I always said she could use
a good dose of electroshock.

[floorboard creaks]

She's standing right behind us, isn't she?

[both scream]

Hello, Amy. Shane.

I think it would be best
for everyone involved

if you two leave and we
never speak of this again.

No, we need to talk about this.

Yeah, we really need to,
because this is all wrong.

None of these revenge
scenarios are practical.

- I mean, arsenic poisoning could take weeks.
- What are you doing?

If you want to get back at Theo,

why don't you just go to his new school

and out him as a narc.

Outing people... that's your solution

to everything, isn't it?

It's too simple and totally obvious.

And let's not forget dangerous.

He might get the crap
beat out of him by a mob

of angry students.

Good point. It's perfect.

According to my intel, Theo
is at Baldwin High School.

He's on the basketball team,

and I saw there's a pep rally tonight.

If we hurry, we can make it.

I'll go shower.

Why are you encouraging this?

Durr, because it's fun.

But also, Lauren clearly
needs this to move on,

and who better to help her than...

- You.
- Her sister.

Ugh, fine. I'll go.

[gentle rock music]

Enjoy your evening.

♪ ♪

- Charlotte.
- Reagan?

Hey.

- It's been a while.
- Yeah.

Well, that's what happens
when you break up, you know?

The passage of time.

Yeah.

You look great.

I love the purple hair.

Oh, yeah.

(Todd) Here's some fresh ice, babe.

'Sup? I'm Todd.

- Charlotte's...
- Boyfriend.

Yeah, I know.

This is Reagan. She's an old friend.

Ugh.

Karma?

Liam.

Uh, what are the odds?

I got this job cater
waitering, and I love it.

Different party every night.

But I'm surprised to see you here.

I thought you hated all things Skwerkel.

Oh, um...

Yeah, it's this really long
and... and really boring story.

And you're at work, so...

Speaking of being surprised,

I met your new friend last night
when I knocked on your window.

He seemed shirtless.

You were at my house?

Which is fine but, uh,

not fine because, uh, boundaries.

Um, but that was Felix,

and he's just a friend.

No need to be jealous.

- I'm not.
- Good.

Uh, 'cause, you know, you
and I are just friends who...

Occasionally have sex. Yeah, no, I get it.

I just didn't realize
that you had other friends.

I do, and, uh, you should too.

I should.

Yeah, 'cause you're such a friendly guy.

Karma.

- This is Zita.
- Karma.

I've heard lots about you.

Yeah, Zita's a good friend.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

we're gonna go and get
friendly in the bathroom.

Ugh, what a little bitch!

I was just thinking the same thing.

We dated for two years,

and she's gonna introduce me as her friend?

Well, Liam just

went with his new friend
to the bathroom to have sex.

We can't let them treat us like this.

We have to make them pay.

Yeah, but they'd know it was us,

and I can't get caught
with blood on my hands.

Not real blood. I mean, metaphorical blood,

because, to be clear,
I'm not killing anyone.

What if I got revenge on your ex

and you get revenge on mine?

Deal?

I like the way you think.

Ooh, I really shouldn't.

But they're so good.

And are they vegan?

- Totally.
- Thanks.

- Yeah.
- Karma.

Hey, Zita.

Look, about me and Liam, before you hate...

Hate you? I don't hate you.

I don't hate you at all.

Karma, I'm not sleeping with Liam.

I could care less. You're not?

Not even a little bit.

He only has eyes for you.

He's too noble to tell you this,

but I'm not.

The guy gave up art to get you
and your family out of jail.

That's the deal he made with his dad.

- Whoa.
- I know.

The guy's practically a Disney prince.

So maybe cut him some slack?

1-2-3-4. 1-1-1-1.

2-4-6-8. Ugh, this is useless.

We could be here all
night. We need another plan.

Or we could go home, share some ice cream.

Mint chocolate chip. Yeah?

Karma's good at schemes.
Let's give her a call.

See how she'd get in.

I can't. She's at work.

I got her a job catering with Reagan.

T-minus 35 minutes.

Stay here... I'll scan the
area for another way in.

Sounds good, Rambo.

You put Karma and Reagan
together on purpose?

Are you trying to upset
the balance of the universe

and destroy us all?

Well, Reagan said they were
down one person at work,

and Karma could really use the money.

And...

And I didn't want to do it.

Why didn't you tell Reagan that?

Because I don't want her to get mad at me.

This might come as a shock,
but I don't like conflict.

So if you can't ask for space, I'm guessing

you didn't tell her you're
sometimes attracted to guys.

If you want to have a real
relationship with Reagan,

you can't keep things from her

just because you're scared
she won't want to hear them.

And don't try to turn this around on me.

Our situations are completely different.

- Jeez.
- How'd you get in there?

Let's just say I have really small hands.

Move it. Come on.

- You roofied him?
- Not yet.

I got one from Creepy Steve and
dissolved it in Liam's water.

We just need him to drink it.

What'd you do to Charlotte?

I gave her a non-vegan egg roll.

Uh, you can't drink that.

It's not filtered.

[sighs] My mouth was dry.

I guess I am a little nervous.

It's only the biggest product launch

in this company's history.

Come on, Liam.

- Let's go crush it.
- Okay.

We all clear on the plan?

We sneak in there, grab the
microphone, and out Theo.

- It's not that complicated.
- Beg to differ.

And why am I the one
who has to be the mascot?

(Amy) I mean, really.

Because you have the
coordination of a baby goat.

It seem weird that I'm slightly

attracted to you right now?

Um, excuse me. Hiya.

Who the deuce are you bitches?

Let me handle this.

We're the bitches that
just got bumped up from JV.

Hmm, coach didn't say jack about it to me.

Well, maybe she's lost faith
in your ability to lead.

You guys better be up to speed.

That was very impressive.

Never show fear.

Lauren, this is insane. Look, I get it.

Theo hurt you and all, you
want to do is hurt him back,

but trust me, it's not
gonna make you feel better.

Well, it can't make me feel worse.

[girls cheering, shouting]

[lively band music playing]

(man) And now, the Baldwin
High varsity cheerleaders.

[girls cheering, shouting]

[people cheering]

That way.

(man) Now, before we bring
out the basketball players,

this amazing cheerleading
squad will perform

their national championship
winning routine right now.

♪ ♪

(all) Yo, yo, here we go.

Yo, yo, three, four.

Cheerleading isn't so hard.

I can't believe they
won nationals with this.

[electronic music playing]

Run past us.

Oh, my God. It's coming right towards us.

[people cheering]

♪ ♪

[people cheering]

Lift me up.

- Ow, your crotch is on my neck.
- Just don't drop me.

- Amy, spot me.
- I don't know what that means.

Whoa!

[girls screaming]

Go Buccs!

(man) Well, that was different.

And now it's time to bring out

the Baldwin High basketball team.

[cheers and applause]

Whoo!

Here we go.

I'm fine. Don't worry.

Be happy.

Very funny, dad.

If you're doing this to
freak me out, it worked, okay?

You can stop now.

Dad.

You know, I feel the same way.

Right here.

Uh-huh, uh-huh. Yeah.

Great. Got it.

Bookers, we are ready for you.

Great.

You got it.

Be right there.

Is he drunk?

The only thing I saw him
drink was a glass of...

[mouthing words]

I don't have time to wait
for the end of that sentence.

We have a Skwerkel-cast
going live in 30 seconds.

You'll have to give the presentation.

Just read the teleprompter.

I'm just supposed to be the model.

Every once in a while,

a revolutionary product comes along

that changes everything.

Skwerkel is very fortunate

to be able to introduce this new product

into your world.

Take dramatic pause. Gaze out at audience.

Oh, holy [bleep]. I wasn't
supposed to read that.

No, no, no, no. The
thingy's going too fast.

You know what? Who needs a teleprompter?

I'm just here to tell you
about the Skwerkel Monocle.

(all) Ooh.

I'll admit it.

At first, I thought this was a dumb idea.

Really dumb.

But I've always dreamed
of having a computer

strapped to my face.

And guess what. It is awesome.

I'm checking my email right
now while I talk to you.

Huh, just saved that to my trash folder.

All right, maybe I went overboard.

You think?

It's just Charlotte
really played with my head.

She used me as a test
to prove whether or not

she was actually a lesbian,
and guess what the results were.

Reagan, that sucks.

- I'm so sorry.
- It's okay.

I've learned from my mistakes,

and now I have an awesome girlfriend

who's got it all figured out.

(Liam) And I know what you're thinking.

"Does it affect your depth perception?"

The answer is no.

[people exclaim]

Just kidding, folks.

This thing is awesome.

[applause]

(man) Number 28, Alex.
Let's hear it for Palmer.

Last but not least, number
23. Let's hear it for Jimmy.

[cheers and applause]

Attention, Baldwin High.

There's something you all
should know about Jimmy.

He isn't who he says he is.

He's...

He's...

Lauren, please.

[soft rock music]

♪ ♪

Can I get an N-A-R-C?

He's not the man he seems to be!

- He's a narc!
- Narc!

- He's a narc!
- Yeah, he's a narc.

Narc.

♪ ♪

(Karma) Hi.

Okay, now that everyone's gone,

I just want to say that I am so, so sorry.

It was just a stupid revenge plot

that got totally out of hand.

You tried to roofie me.

I was jealous that you slept with Zita.

I didn't.

I just said that because
you slept with Felix.

- I didn't.
- You didn't?

Then why was he shirtless...

I'll tell you about that later.

But first.

You gave up art for me?

Zita told you?

The real question is why you didn't.

Because I didn't do it
to buy your forgiveness.

I want to earn that.

But do you think I ever will?

Look, I want to forgive you.

You're doing all the right things.

I'm just scared of getting hurt again,

which is why I need to be in control.

I'm okay with that.

Then put your hands behind your back.

[flowing rock music]

♪ ♪

I used too much glue.

It's a good thing you're so pretty.

Hey, are you okay?

You were right.

Revenge on Theo, Jimmy,
whatever the hell his name is,

it didn't make me feel any better.

It's just gonna take time.

Great. [bleep] time.

That wasn't the answer I wanted.

I got to go.

Maybe you can squeeze in a
little me time before bed,

if you know what I mean.

Very funny, but I texted Reagan,

and she's on her way over.

I'm gonna tell her how I really feel.

You were right.

If I want a real relationship with her,

then I have to be honest.

Arr, I've got your back, Matey.

Don't do that.

- Speaking of being honest.
- I'm not telling Duke.

Got to run.

Bye!

Oh, Karma. How'd it go?

- We need to talk.
- Oh, no.

Did you two get in a fight?

No, actually, we bonded.

I got to learn a little more about Reagan.

Like, did you know that her last
girlfriend dumped her for a boy,

and now she has zero tolerance

for girls who are
questioning their sexuality?

Oh, that.

She thinks you have it all figured out.

Amy, you have to tell her the truth.

I know. But how do I even begin?

"Oh, by the way, I'm
sometimes attracted to guys

and oh, I once slept with Liam."

(Karma) Maybe ease into that last part.

[yearning acoustic music]

Man: Next on "Faking It"...

After everything I've
been through with my ex,

how can you not tell me you're into guys?

- Survey says lesbian.
- Prove it.

Sounds like you want to be monogamous.

What?

We're now official in an open relationship.

Why are you so against me being a lesbian?

I'm against you changing
who you are to make

someone else happy.

- Why the hell are you here?
- I want you back.