Faking It (2014–2016): Season 2, Episode 1 - The Morning Aftermath - full transcript

As Karma deals with the aftermath of Amy's love confession, Amy is wracked with guilt over her secret tryst with Liam. Meanwhile, Lauren and Shane devise a devious plan to protect Lauren's secret.

Please be dirty clothes.



That's what I said.

- We...
- Yeah, we did.


Are you up yet? Can I come in?

I'd really like to talk.

- Go, go!
- My clothes!

I'm not going to let you shut me out.

Amy, I'm coming in.

I have been the worst best friend ever.

I had no idea this whole time

that you've been having these feelings.

Must have been torture.

Yeah, wasn't fun.

Um, can we talk about this later?

I am so deeply sorry.

I made it all about me and
my crush on some silly boy,

who by the way, now hates me
for not being a real lesbian,

so you two have that in common.

I don't hate you.

You should. I'm a terrible person.

Oh, I really am not in a place to judge.

- There I go again.
- What?

Making it all about me. See?

Worst best friend ever.

But I promise from now
on, I'm all about you.

Tell me about the rest of your night.

Did you cry yourself to sleep like I did?

I just... I had so much to drink,

and I have this crushing hangover.

- Can we talk about this later?
- W...

Well, here, why don't you throw this on,

and we'll get a greasy
breakfast in you, stat?

I can't.

Amy, I'm not letting you pull away.

We're spending the rest
of our lives together,

so we just... We have to work this out.

Okay? Talk it out.

Okay, and we will. We
will, just not right now.

Is Amy up?

I have to drive Nana home,

and she promised to run interference.

I am not in the mood for my
mother's constructive criticism.

I could go if you want. Old people love me.

I share their values.

Oh, you are just too kind,

but I could never ask you to...

Oh, my God.

What is it?


Uh, just saw the time. Gotta run.

So much to do before we
fly to Cancun tonight.

- I'll go get Amy.
- Oh, let her sleep.

She had a late night.

I can handle Nana.

Is everything okay?

Oh, everything is perfect. This is perfect.


Hey, we missed the sunrise.

Good thing there's another one tomorrow.

I see a lot of cold showers in my future.


This is not happening. I won't allow it.

Like she can do that.

- What?
- You need to apologize.

But I don't wanna.

See, this is one of those
times where you can choose

to feed the good wolf or the bad wolf.

Fine, I'll do it,

but only because you're so
cute when you talk about wolves.

Millions of women have
used the morning-after pill

with no reports of serious complications.

Do you have a pill for my guilt?

I just made the biggest mistake of my life.

- We're not here to judge.
- I deserve to be judged.

Last night, I told my
best friend, "I love you,"

and when she rejected me, I got drunk

and slept with her boyfriend.

Do you think I should tell her?

- You're judging me.
- No, no judgment, I promise.

I just want to remind you
that these won't protect you

against sexually transmitted infections.

Just when I thought my
day couldn't get any worse.

Hey, you.

Hey. Um, this is my best friend.

What are you doing here?

Don't be creeped out,
but I followed you here.

I just... I really think we
should talk about last night.

- What's that?
- It's for my mom.

They're going to Mexico on their honeymoon,

and she doesn't want to
spend it on the toilet.

Well, do you want to walk back together?

We could talk.

Now really isn't a good time.

Amy, wait.

Bad hangover?

Last night was a blur.

I know you hate me.

And I don't blame you.
I just want to explain.

Yes, I lied about being a
lesbian, but in my defense,

the only reason that you
noticed me was because I was one.

Why didn't you tell me?

I told you I hate lying,

like, over and over and over.

I was worried that if
you found out the truth

you'd lose interest in me.

So instead, I lied, and...

Now you've lost interest
in me... How ironic.

Okay, um...

Well, don't worry, from now
on, I'll stay out of your life.

Maybe that's for the best.

I've been up all night

Come in.

Did someone here order an
apology with extra cheese?

I don't need the empty calories.

You're only doing this because of Pablo.

He has nothing to do with this.

Okay, maybe he nudged me a little.

But I went too far, and I do feel bad.

And I'm turning over a new leaf.

No more outing people's
secrets. Forgive me?


But I could... If you
can do something for me.

Is it a makeover?

Because I have lots of ideas.


No, keep Tommy from spilling
my secret at school tomorrow

and forever.

Then I will forgive you.

How do you know he hasn't
texted everyone already?

Because I stole his phone and
melted it with my flat iron.

Oh, deal. I got this.

Just need to borrow my mom's car.

But after you forgive me, will you tell me

what those pills are for?

You okay, sugar bear?

You were crying so hard last night,

I never heard what happened.

Why did you two break up?

You should probably sit down.

Oh, dear, breakups between teenage lesbians

can be especially brutal.

We talk about it all the time in PFLAG.

Oh, speaking of, did I tell you?

They elected me president. Such an honor.

Mom, that's great.

So this safe space just got a little safer.

You know, it doesn't even
matter why we broke up.

I just... I want to get her
back, and I can't figure out

how to do that, and even
the Internet's stumped.

I can feel her pulling
away, and it scares me.

Oh, sweetie, why don't you just

show her how much she means to you?

You're an Ashcroft.

We're experts at big,
dramatic gestures of affection.

We are?

Once, after a nasty fight,

your dad drove me out into
the middle of the desert.

Now, at first I was a
little scared, I'll admit,

but he built this huge fire to show me

the passion in his heart.

He did?

Yeah, not only was I deeply touched,

but that's how burning man started.

So what have you got to lose?
Go big or go home, right?


I ran into Karma.

I'm guessing from your
broodiness it didn't go well.

We're done.


After what happened last
night, there's zero chance

we're ever going to get back together,

and it's all my fault.

Yowzer, here we go again.

Liam, enough with the guilt.
You didn't do anything wrong.

- No, I did.
- No, Karma is the one who lied,

over and over again to get what she wanted.

Even I think that's selfish.

Other than her hair, I
don't get what you and Amy

are so gaga about.


Did I say Amy? I meant Jamie.

Buckner, the kid with the stutter?

He thinks Karma is ad-adorable.

You said they were faking being lesbians.

Karma is.

Amy's so tied up in Karma,
she's practically a pretzel.

Apparently she told Karma
she loved her last night,

and Karma rejected her.

She did?

You have to promise me
you won't say anything

about that or about this.

This is what you need help with?

I got him in there,

but there's no way I can get him out.

Be right there, baby.

Oh, where the hell are my sunglasses?

- They're on your head.
- Oh.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Can't conquer Cancun without these.

- I can't breathe, Mom. Come here.
- Oh!

Are you going to be okay
home alone for a week?

I won't be alone. Lauren's here.

We're not going to come home
to a crime scene, are we?

That is not the way I
want to get on dateline.

Well, I'm grounded. I have nothing to lose.

Oh, honey, forget about
that. I overreacted.

It's okay. I deserve to be grounded.

For the rest of my life.

It was just a silly dance
between two best friends.

Now, you have fun while we're gone.

Just use protection.

I have a softball bat under my bed.


Oh, well, we'll talk when I get back.

Love you! Mwah.

- This is kidnapping.
- It's really more blackmail.

We're going to take
photos of this ass

that are so shocking and deviant,

he'll never tell anyone my secret.

Conveniently, my mom

sells sex toys out of the trunk of her car.

Guys, guys, this is illegal
and highly disturbing.

Lauren, how bad could this secret be?

Ugh, I'm not telling you my secret.

She's not. Trust me, I tried.

Guys, I'm with Amy.

Maybe it's a good thing
this thing gets out.

They say you're only
as sick as your secrets.

What? No, who says that?
Who, the voices in your head?

Tell 'em to shut up.

I changed my mind. I'm on board.

This is America.

We are all entitled to our secrets.

Will you excuse us for a second?

What the hell was that?

"You're only as sick as your secrets"?

I'm sorry, but the guilt is killing me.

Oh, this little piggy went
boo-hoo-hoo all the way home.

Man up.

Look, it's killing me too,
but what would it do to Karma

if she found out that her
soul mate slept with you?

So what, we just pretend it never happened?

What happened?

See how easy that was?

And before we never speak of
this again, do I need to add

contracting syphilis to last
night's list of tragic events?

- No, I'm clean.
- Do you have any documentation?

The only girl I've had sex with

since I last got tested was Karma.

- And now...
- Yeah, okay.

Well, you're Liam Booker,
Hester's own Hugh Hefner.

- Karma changed all of that.
- Oh, really?

If that's the case, then
why did you sleep with me?

Because I was hurt and
angry and way too drunk.

What was your excuse?


There's someone lurking in the yard

right below your window.

Should I go unlock my gun?

We live in Texas, people.

It's Karma.

I wrote this really nice song

To see if I can make things right

I know you've been avoiding me

But I just want to end this fight

'Cause you're the salt to my pepper

You're the moon to my sun

We're like Batman and Robin
when we're out having fun

And we're gonna be together
till we're old and gray

So all I ask of you is
please don't pull away

Please don't pull away

Please don't pull awa...

- This is insane.
- Calm down.

It's just a few pictures

that will haunt him for
the rest of his life.

Besides, we've gone way
too far to turn back now.

And you two are in on this?

I was just washing my sheets.

For no particular reason.
It's just been a few weeks.

Karma, I think we should talk.

Oh, I think he's choking.

You people are animals!

Nobody listen to anything he says.

Go like this.

Lauren, I'm not... I'm
not gonna say anything.

Yeah, not if I rip out your tongue.

Why would I tell anyone
my girlfriend's a dude?


You you

And I'm not a dude.

I was born intersex.

The pills I take are hormone replacements.

You you


What exactly does intersex mean?


It means it's none of
your business.

Open my heart and fill it with dirt

'Cause the filth from this forest

Is better than you you you you you

I did not see that coming.

Open my heart and fill it with dirt

'Cause the filth from
this forest is better

Than you you you you you you you

- Hey, Mom, Mom, I can explain.
- No time.

I need to grab our tickets
before we miss our flight.

And I can't have Bruce
thinking I'm a dumb blonde

this early in our marriage.


I have a guy bound and
gagged in the garage,

and you have no further questions?

I trust you.

Just make sure you've
agreed on a safe word,

something short and specific, like taco.

Oh, thank you, Jesus.

And make sure no one sees him leave.

To some people, two guys in
one day might seem a bit...

- trashy.
- Hold it right there.

You saw him leave my room this morning?

Don't worry. It'll be our little secret.

Oh, I've always dreamed
of us sharing secrets.

They weren't quite like
this, but I can roll with it.

So I can have an S&M dungeon in our garage,

but I can't fall in love

with my best friend because she's female?

We don't need to rehash all that.

You're done with that phase.

It wasn't a phase, Mother.

But that boy in the garage...

That's a whole other story,
and it's not what it looks like.

And that boy this morning?

- That was what it looked like.
- See?

You slept with a boy.
That means you're straight.

No, it means I'm confused.

That makes two of us.

If you could be with a
boy, why wouldn't you?

It'd be so much easier.

For me or for you?

Let's focus on the positive here.

You're not sure you're lesbian,

and I'm late for my flight to the Yucatan.

Andale, andale.

What do we do now?

Guess we wait till her mom's car leaves.

There's no escaping it

Come on out, come on out,
come on out, don't hide

Look, I meant it when I said
I'd stay out of your life.

Last place I ever thought I'd
find you was Amy's bedroom.

You can tell me once

And to repeat, I am so sorry.

What I did was unforgivable.

Please stop.

It's okay. I forgive you.


Yeah, we both did up things.

We did? What did you do?


I only noticed you
because you were a lesbian.

But then...

Then I saw so much more.

I may have lied about being gay,

but I never lied about my feelings for you.

Yeah, I know.

Come on out, don't hide

You can come out now. She's gone.

Thank God, it reeks of
rotting Thai food back there.

Okay, now who wants to help
me arrange these dildos?

Now we're talking. Let's
go bigger to smaller.

It's more shocking.

Just dropped Tommy off.

Trust me, he'll be keeping his mouth shut.

Now am I forgiven?

Do I have a choice? Now
you have blackmail on me.

I'm gonna take that as a yes.

You know, I'm not going
to tell anyone, Lauren.

None of us will.

I promise.

I told you, no more outing people.

You say that now, but someday
you'll want to humiliate me.

And I will, but not about this,

because I don't think
there's anything humiliating

about what you told us.

But clearly, you do.

You gotta work on that
if you want to be happy.

What, are we friends now?

Oh, dear God, no.

Thank God. Tender moment over.

You're welcome. Bye.

I didn't get to finish my song.

'Cause you're the salt to my pepper

You're the moon to my sun

We're like Batman and
Robin when we're out

You gotta stop doing this.

What? It wasn't that bad.

- The chorus is really catchy.
- No, I mean,

with the touching speeches
and romantic serenades.

It's like you're waterboarding my heart.



Uh, no more of that.

Got it.

I just don't want to lose you.

We're gonna grow old together, remember?

We're gonna sit on the porch and
drink iced tea and talk about...

How you're doing it again?

Damn it.

I just never thought that
anything could come between us.

And then last night I rejected you,

and now you're pulling away.

And I'm worried you'll wind up hating me.

It's not your fault you
don't feel the same way,

even though I-I wish you did.

You still don't? Just checking.

And I could never hate you.

I could never hate you either.

Everything you do to
me is making me a victim

Of your love, your life