Faking It (2014–2016): Season 1, Episode 8 - Burnt Toast - full transcript

Why don't you tell her
how you feel?

It's pretty clear she loves you.
- As a friend.

She felt something
when you kissed,

And now she's pushing
you away.

I think we should still
break up.

Tell me about the pills
you take all the time

That you don't want anyone
to see.

- What about amy?

We're faking
getting back together

Until all of this blows over.

Nobody else knows,
just you.



d

- It's harder than it looks.

- Here, let me show you.

First, you get a little wet.

- Mm-hmm and then what?

And then you get
a little dirty.

- d so clear

d that you could not stay here

d you could not see
what we saw d

- Okay, total buzz kill.
- Ew, ew, ew, ew.

Seriously, so much
for my ghost fantasy.

here.

- What?

- Nothing.



I'm happy.

You make me happy.

- You make me happy too.

- When can we be happy outside?

I mean, we've been sneaking
in here at night for a week.

These paint fumes
are starting to get to me.

- Just a little while longer.

And lucky for you,

I have so many more fantasies.

The nicholas sparks books alone
could take a month.

- How long, exactly?

Just until amy and I can
quietly tell everyone

We've broken up.

And then a respectful
mourning period of course.

Six months, tops.

Six months?
That's forever.

- I know, I'm sorry.

But if people at school
think I left amy for you,

They'll hate us more
than oil companies.

- And amy is okay with this?

- 100%.

I just, I really
don't like lying.

Me either...
hate it.

It's a good thing
you're so damn sexy.

I better go before
my parents' ambien wears off.

I'll meet you back here
tomorrow?

- I can't.

It's amy's mom's wedding,
remember?

- Oh, I forgot.

Well, let's hope I can survive
the withdrawal.

"and in conclusion,
please raise your glasses

"to farrah and bruce.

May each of your tomorrows
be better than your yesterdays."

Do you want
my super-supportive opinion

Or my tough-love opinion?

- That bad?

I hate this.

Will you do it for me?

You know I love a microphone
and a captive audience,

But you got this.

Just speak from your heart.

What if my heart says
something really stupid

That it can never take back?

- That's not possible.

- Honey, I need you to...

Amy, we talked about this.

nana is downstairs.

Thank god she didn't barge in
five minutes ago,

When we were 69-ing.

- It is my wedding day.

Could we not do this?

Now, will y'all go,

And keep her
sober through the ceremony?

I do not want a repeat
of my cousin walter's funeral.

- I'll be right there.

- How do I look?

- Beautiful.

I think this dress
is the best one yet.

- Mm.

Me too.

I really hope I'm better at
relationships than my mother.

Think of it this way:
You couldn't be worse.

- Who was that?

My mom. She wants me
to give you a hug.

- Mm.

I'm so glad we're back to good.

Just the two of us.

- Yeah, me too.

- I have a stalker.

Let me guess:
His name is pablo.

Ever since I rejected him,
he's posting all these photos

To try and seduce me back.

Super sadsies, look.

He's training
for the aids ride.

- In tight yellow bike gear.

Only my favorite color.

Look at the puppy
he just rescued:

A bichon-poodle mix.

aka my dream dog.

- Shane, you're deluded.
- Need more proof?

Bam.

He's escorting lauren
to her dad's wedding?

- And he tied his own bow tie.

I've been tying my own bow tie
since I was eight, okay.

It's my thing.

I thought your thing
was saying...

- It's my thing.

I feel so terrible
for this guy pining away,

Hoping I'll see these
and come running.

- Maybe you should.

Come running.

- Yeah, right.
- No, no, I'm serious.

Let's crash that wedding

So you can tell this poor guy
to move on.

- Well, that's not exactly...
- I'll drive.

d I can see the light
of your smile d

Do you think my mother
suspects amy's a lesbian?

If she finds out,
I will never hear the end of it.

Honey, your mother couldn't
pick out a lesbian

At a melissa etheridge concert.

And do we have to talk
about this right now?

- No.
- Look out.

So, nana, what did you think
of the ceremony?

Little too much jesus
for my taste.

I liked her first wedding
the best,

But this definitely beat
that second one.

- Good old "lazy eye."

- Can I get my flask back?

I won't get through this
unless I'm drunk.

Thank you, carmen.

Now, be a good girl, and
go get me a ginger ale chaser.

- Yeah, carmen.

- Sure.

well, she's darling.

Now, why doesn't she
have a boyfriend?

Has she got an extra toe
or something?

- It's complicated.
- Oh.

Mm.

Excuse me, could I get
a ginger a...

Liam, what are you
doing here?

- I just needed a little fix.

You're not
supposed to be here.

Yeah, that's what
makes it hot.

- What a perfect night.

I don't know if I've ever been
this happy.

- I almost believe you.

- Whatever do you mean?

- Tommy dumped you,

And now you can't stop smiling
and talking like a duchess.

- First, my smile is genuine.

Second, my diction is
appropriate for the occasion.

And third, I'm the one who
dumped that piece of.

- Yes, let it out.

Clearly you're mad at him.

At tommy?
No, he's an idiot.

This is all
shane harvey's fault.

Why, what did he do?

I don't want to tarnish
this lovely evening

Talking about
such un-pleasantries.

Suffice it to say,
he's not a good person.

- Whoo-hoo!
- Yeah.

- This is our song!

Okay, I've never really had
a song before,

But, yeah, this one will do.

No, no, no, no,
not ours as in "ours."

Ours as in "mine and amy's."

I gotta go.

I'll text you after.

- Wait, but...

d if you are all
that you seem d

d then baby I'm moving
way too slow d

d I've been a fool before d

d wouldn't like to get my love
caught in the slamming door d

d how about some information
please d

d straight up
now tell me d

d do you really want
to love me forever d

d oh oh oh

d or am I caught
in a hit and run d

d straight up
now tell me d

d is it gonna be you
and me together d

d oh oh oh

- Ow.

- Amy, dear.

Could I speak to you outside?

d straight up
now tell me d

d is it gonna be you
and me together d

d oh oh oh d

- There you go.

- I knew it.

You...

- I got you.

I can't believe she
grounded me for two weeks.

We were just dancing.

What is this,
the sequel to footloose?

- Footlooser?

I would watch that.

Maybe instead
of this stupid toast,

I'll just tell everyone
how she got me

A padded training bra
for my tenth birthday.

- Amy.
- What?

Don't cross over
to the dark side.

Humiliating your mom
at her wedding

Isn't going to make you feel
any better.

It's just gonna push you two
further apart,

And I know, deep down,
that's not what you want.

- How do you do that?

- What?

Know me better
than I know myself.

- Years of practice.

can I please
get the wedding party

To the dance floor?

- Let's go, babe.

- Break a leg.

- Psst.

- First toast this evening,

Please welcome farrah's
maid of honor

And bruce's daughter, lauren.

- I think I was four

When my daddy first took me
to the beach.

I remember the sand was so hot

You let me ride
up on your shoulders.

I love you, baby.

- Love you too.

- Just checking.

Are you sure you and amy
are broken up?

- What are you talking about?

Well, I saw
the two of you dancing.

You sure looked
like a couple.

- We're faking it, big time.

We've been through a lot
together, you and I.

I just don't want to be
like those sad women

On dr. Phil,
who date married men

That promise
to leave their wives,

But they never do.

Well, that's not
what's going on here, okay?

Amy and are still best friends,
but that's it.

And I find your insecurity
adorable.

- Sorry.

My family's so good at lying,

That sometimes I assume
everyone else is.

I don't want secrets between us.

So from now on,
nothing but the truth.

Deal?

- Deal.

You're a woman
I can look up to,

A friend I can count on,

And the mother I always wanted.

So would everybody please
raise a glass...

To farrah and bruce.

May each of your tomorrows
be better than your yesterdays.

- Aw.

Now, we'll hear
from farrah's daughter amy.

- Um...

Love is a many-splendored thing.

d d

Um...

- I suck at giving speeches.

So I'm gonna try speaking
from the heart.

Mom, bruce,

You're lucky.

You've fallen in love
with your best friend,

The person who accepts you
at your worst,

The person who laughs
at your stupid jokes,

The person who knows you better
than you know yourself.

I would kill to spend the rest
of my life with that person.

I mean...Wouldn't we all?

Amy, can we talk
about that toast?

This really isn't a good time
for constructive criticism.

- I think I finally understand

Why you always get so upset
anytime I mention...

- Liam? You brought him here?

I saw him crawl out from under
the table like a cockroach.

He showed up.
I didn't invite him, I swear.

I thought the two of you were
done. Why didn't you tell me?

Because every time I talk
about him, you flip out.

- No, I don't.
- You're doing it right now.

And I think I know why.

- Trust me, you have no idea.

Amy, do you have feelings
for me?

What?
No.

Ew.

- I can tell when you're lying.

- Oh, really?

Because I've been lying
ever since we kissed

At the homecoming assembly.

You've had these feelings
for weeks,

And you never told me?

- I was afraid I'd lose you.

- You could never lose me.

Look, this is no big deal.

Right now,
you're just confused, and...

- No, no, I'm not.

I know you felt what I felt
during the threesome

When we kissed.
- Amy...

- There's a spark between us.

You can't deny it.

- Was it hot?

Yeah, but...

At first, I didn't want
to have these feelings either.

They're scary.

But they're scary because
they're exciting,

Like bungee jumping,

And I know you've always wanted
to try that.

- Please, don't.

Karma, step off the edge
with me.

Everyone already thinks
we're lesbians.

Let's...let's give the people
what they want.

- Stop!

- I love you.

- I love you too, amy.

More than anyone else on earth.

Just not like that.

- But...

How can you tell
if you don't try?

- I slept with liam.

- Can we go?

This is too much work,
and I'm not getting paid.

- Did you talk to pablo?

Let's just say I heard
everything I needed to hear.

- Okay, you can go.

I'm gonna wait for karm...

- Karma?

She's the reason
you wanted to come.

I thought you two were done.

- We were, but...

Man, I know this sounds cheesy,
but I've fallen for her.

Yeah, me...Liam booker.

- Oh, my god,

And I'm guessing she feels
the same way?

Poor amy.

- Hey, don't worry.

Everything is on the up and up.

Amy knows all about it.

In fact, she's 100% onboard.

- Right.

- What?

There's something
you need to know.

I should've told you
a long time ago,

But I never thought
it would get this far.

d I'm scared to speak
my mind d

- Mm! Mm-mm.

d I don't want to make
you cry d

- You can go.

- d don't want to make you cry d

Is it poisoned?

No, but it's what I want
to eat whenever I get dumped.

- I didn't get dumped.

I was eavesdropping
from the bathroom.

I'm guessing
you plan on extorting me?

Will you just shut
the up?

I'm trying to empathize.

I know a thing or two
about being rejected

When you're
at your most vulnerable.

I shared a secret with tommy,
and he dumped me.

- Was it the pills?

It's called a secret
for a reason.

I should just tell you.

He's probably gonna blab
to the whole school on Monday.

You're not gonna tell me,
are you?

- Absolutely not.

Tommy's an ass.

- Yeah, well, karma's a bitch.

d I'm scared to speak
my mind d

d I don't wanna make you cry d

d don't wanna make you cry d

- Well, I told amy about us.

It didn't go well.

- Yeah.

It must be hard to break up
with your fake girlfriend.

I mean, there's so many ways
to play it.

There's sad, relieved, angry.

- What?

- Don't deny it.

Shane told me everything.

- Liam, I can explain.

- Like I'd believe you.

- Shane?

- How do you do it?

- Do what?

- Be so good all the time.

You know, I like to think
I'm a good person,

But then I do
all these bad things,

Like outing people's
pill-popping,

And keeping secrets
from my best friend.

- Hey, we all make mistakes.

Don't put me on a pedestal.

I'm no angel.

Yeah, I'm sure you're
the meanest volunteer

At the soup kitchen.

An old cherokee legend says
there's two wolves

Within each of us:
One good and one evil.

The one that survives
is the one that we feed.

Did you seriously
just quote a cherokee legend?

Before we go any further,
I'm celibate.

- I'm a gemini.

No, I'm not having sex
until marriage.

Can you wait?

- Totally.

Not even oral?

Never mind.

- You two will work it out.

You always do.

I believe in fate,

And if you're meant to be
with amy, you will be,

And if you're not,

There's so many other girls
out there.

oh, sweetie.

My mom paid
for half of this wedding.

Just put it on her tab.

- I think you've had enough.

- I've had enough...

Of your insolence.

- d what's this thing that d

d that I can't explain d

d just a feeling

d more like a warning

d and this thing
that I'm telling you d

d I can't explain d

d just a feeling

d more like a warning

d like a warning