Faking It (2014–2016): Season 1, Episode 7 - Faking Up Is Hard to Do - full transcript

- We are nothing alike.

Arrogant, self-centered,
controlling.

Face it: We're not good people.
- Hey.

I don't want to break up
hester's cutest couple.

- We could have a threesome.

- This might as well be

A big, bi-curious bat signal
in the sky.

- If karma expects me to leave,

Then I have to get her
to want me to stay.

- Whoa.
- I know.

- I can't do this.



- So I'm trying this new thing

Where I only wash my hair
twice a week.

What do you think...too flat,
or is it kind of chic?

I hear that shampoo strips
the essential oils.

We're not gonna talk
about the threesome?

The one you ran out of

Like you were robbing
a convenience store?

You know how people in movies
wind up in strange towns

And forget their names
and how they got there?

That's me.

Total amnesia
about the whole thing.

Tell me what happened.
Why did you leave?

Was it our kiss?

- No! No.



I just realized that things
got totally out of control.

I made you dress up
like dita von teese

And kiss a boy
you don't even like.

You don't like him, right?

- Karma, you can't be serious.

See, this lie has turned me
into your pimp,

Which is why
we have to break up.

- What? Now?

It was a stupid idea
that got way out of hand.

I mean, you agree,
enough is enough, right?

- But you said we were waiting

Until our status at school
was cemented.

Well, if the price of that
is whoring out my best friend,

Then I don't want it.

But it's crucial
that we handle this right.

Our lesbian lie
worked so well,

The school thinks
we're the cutest couple

Since zooey deschanel
got that new puppy.

I'm guessing
you have a plan.

Neither of us want to look
like the bad guy, right?

We're celebs at school,

So we'll act like
celebrity couples

Who have gracefully split
in the public eye.

Finally, my subscription
to us weekly is paying off.

Step one:
Skip each other's premieres.

To hint at a growing distance
between us.

- Step two: Dive into work.

Step three:
Issue a joint press release

Saying, "we've decided
to go our separate ways,

But we'll always
be best friends"?

Just like we were right before
all this craziness happened.

Here's the list
of handy responses

In case people ask where I am.

- Why would people ask me that?

Because we're spending today
apart.

- But...

She felt something
when you kissed,

And now
she's pushing you away.

- You think?

I mean, it was really hot.

I'm surprised that cheap motel
didn't burst into flames.

Oh, I love lesbian porn.
It's so elegant.

Continue.
What happened next?

- Once we came up for air,

We looked into each other's
eyes, and we saw each other.

I mean,
we really saw each other.

Maybe for the first time.

So after that hot kiss
and all the seeing,

Then what?

And then liam kissed me,
and karma ran out,

And now she doesn't want
to talk about it.

Screech of tires.
You kissed liam?

- Shh!

- How was it?

It was like...
You know when you're outside

On a sunny spring day,
and you see a butterfly,

And you go "ah," and then
the world stops for a second,

And then it's gone?

It was like that.

- Wow.
- Wow? No, not wow.

- Not wow?

No.
Wow was kissing karma.

If liam was spotting
a butterfly,

Karma was spotting
a soaring eagle,

And, oh, my god,
I was with her,

And it was magical, and I wish
it could last forever.

Honey, I don't want
to shoot you out of the sky,

But your eagle soared away
right after you kissed liam.

- Yeah, so?

- So she sounds jealous.

- Karma is in denial,

Like I was
after our homecoming kiss.

I just need to keep us
from breaking up

Until she has time
to accept her feelings for me.

- I hope you're right.

I hate keeping secrets
from liam.

And I really want you to be

With the love of your life
and stuff.

You're not gonna break
your gay scout's honor, are you?

They would strip me
of my badge in leatherwork.

Both: Hi, irma.

Amy, I see
you're solo today.

Where's your other half?

I saved you two the last slice
of cherry pie.

She's taking time
to focus on her studies.

Good for her.
Smart girl.

Did y'all hear?

Karma and amy are breaking up.

- d dream girls

d dream girls,
dream girls d

- Aw, poor amy.

- d dream girls

- What, is my fly open?

- Hang in there.

Give me an interview
for the school's tumblr.

This story is huge,

And my readers
are hungry for facts.

How did you hear
we're breaking up?

- The whole school knows.

- The whole school?

Please respect our privacy
at this difficult time.

Liam.

d well, they're an army
of thieves d

- I'm guessing you heard.

- About your breakup?

- What happened to the old days

When news was delivered
by horseback

Or phones with cords?

Is this because I kissed amy
at the threesome?

It's pretty uncool to invite
a guy into something like that

And then get upset
when he participates.

That's not
what this is about.

Look, I don't know
what your plan is,

But you shouldn't have
dragged me into it.

- No, liam, look.

When I saw you two...

You know...

I realized this is insane.

Everything got
totally out of control,

And I forced you to make out
with a girl you don't even like.

- Are you serious?

I'm so over all this drama.

I told you up front,

I didn't want to break up
hester's cutest couple!

- You didn't.
- Then what did?

d what about,
what about us? d

We're breaking up
because I don't wanna have kids?

What? It's true.
We need a reason.

And since neither of us
can be the bad guy,

We pull a brad and jen.

We say that I wanna have kids
and you don't.

- You're demented.

We're teenagers...
we don't care about having kids

Until we accidentally
get pregnant.

And why are we here?

It stinks.

The kids thing speaks
to our future as a couple.

We obviously
want different things,

So we're moving on, but we'll
always be best friends.

Brad and jen
don't seem like best friends.

- We don't know.

Maybe they order pizza
and watch the bachelor

While angelina's
at refugee camps.

- Do you hear yourself?

This is too much.

I say we just slow
the whole thing down...

- It's too late.

All we can do now
is control the message.

Okay, so maybe not
the kids thing.

I wanna go
to a big state university,

And you wanna go
to some artsy-fartsy college.

We need to be
ahead of the gossip.

Vashti nadira requested
a sit-down today,

And I said yes.

But...no, we are not discussing
our relationship

With the school's tumblr.

Don't I get a say in this?

- I'm the planner.

- And what does that make me?

- The executor.

Sounds badass.

I'll see you after school.

Lisbeth, you look
like a horse eating a carrot.

Never bite string cheese.

Like this.

I have never missed my friends
from dallas

More than in this moment.

- There she is.
- Hey, karma.

- Why'd you guys break up?
- Tell us.

It's so sad
they're breaking up.

They got me through
my dog dying.

Ugh, there must be something
else this school can fixate on!

Electronic smog, gmos.

I'm sure
there's a polar bear stranded

On an iceberg somewhere.

- What you guys talking about?

How all this pathetic school
can talk about

Is karma and amy's breakup.

I bet it was
poor communication.

I bet they fought
about money.

I bet
it was their threesome.

Booker!

how was it?

That bro's so lucky.

He's hooked up with
all the hot girls at school,

Plus gets a lesbian threesome.

- Not all the hot girls.

Just most of them.

Here's the deal.
I don't pull punches.

I won't twist
your words around,

But I can smell bull
a mile away.

My readers expect the truth.

So why is
everyone's favorite couple

Calling it quits?

First of all, this split
is completely amicable.

We just have

Very different visions
for our future.

- How so?

I see myself
at a state university,

And amy sees herself
at a small liberal arts school,

Someplace intimate.

Actually, vashti,
just changed my mind.

I do want someplace bigger.

The more people, the better.

no, you don't.

You hate people.

- Who hates people?

I don't, that's who.

Last week, you said that
you would rather be devoured

By termites than go
to a state school.

Sometimes we push things away
that we really want.

Then there's hope
for you two.

You're clearly not
on the same page.

I can't help wondering
if you're covering up

The real reason
for the split.

What?
What do you mean?

I understand there was
a threesome with liam booker?

I assume you've heard
about the breakup.

Haven't seen
so much speculation

Since someone took a dump
in ethan wick's locker.

- Not interested.

Let's go get stoned
and play video games

Where we blow up.

I like the words
coming out of your mouth.

there he is!

How many hearts
are you gonna break,

Liam booker?
All: Yeah!

Women are more
than just sex objects.

All: Yeah!

Yeah, and why didn't you
ever call me?

- Stay strong, brandi.

- First, it's these hotties.

And now hester's
less attractive lesbians?

When will the tyranny end?

this.

- Thanks, girls.

Y'all go drink
that coconut water I brought.

Keep that good skin hydrated.

Let's go.

- You've got this all twisted.

Liam didn't do
anything wrong.

I couldn't care less
about liam booker,

But these hotties sure do.

And now I'm their ringleader.

Things around here
are about to change.

- d staring you in the eye d

- They're right.

I knew karma had a girlfriend,
but I kept seeing her.

Why are you beating yourself
up like this?

It's not your fault
they broke up.

Trust me.
- I'm a booker, remember?

We're genetically designed
to ruin people's lives.

- Not this again.

Look, you're not
the ass here,

And you don't deserve
to be treated like one.

I'm gonna be
your olivia pope.

I'll create another scandal
to distract people from you

While wearing killer outfits.

- No, no, come on.

Let it go, okay?
- It'll be easy.

I've already got
the right target.

All I need is the right dirt.

Promise me
you're not gonna get involved.

Gay scout's honor.

okay, okay, I promise.

sparrow face, girls.

Eyes wide.

Pucker those lips
like a baby bird.

- Why are we doing this?
- It slims the face.

Trust me, you'll love it.

Uh, lisbeth, why don't you
go help leila?

You're so good at framing.

There's a rumor
that you and karma broke up.

If it got all the way to me,
I'm guessing it's true.

- Yeah, we did.

I'm here if you need
a shoulder to cry on.

I got two of those, you know,
if one gets too damp.

I do seem to have a lot
of lunches free all of a sudden.

- I lunch.
- How's today?

Good, and I believe
the grain of the day

At the cafeteria is millet,
so get excited.

bye.

- Bye.

- Anything you can think of?

Elizabeth?

I haven't been called
my real name in so long,

I forgot what it feels like.

We really
shouldn't be doing this.

Lauren seems to have found
some new friends.

Why can't you?

- Here you go, shane.

Special request.
- Thanks, irma.

You're the best.
Love your hair.

Really youthful.

Girls, do you like chocolate

Or vanilla?

Lauren never lets us
have refined sugars.

Well,
you're under my protection now.

- Oh, I got something.

She chews her pens.

And she says she has her period,
like, every other week.

She sneezed in my face once
and didn't even apologize.

As unhygienic as that is,
none of those are scandals.

I need something
I can work with.

Something juicy.

Well, there are those pills.

- Vashti, we need to talk.

People are getting
the wrong idea

About why amy and I broke up.

- On the record?

Our breakup
wasn't liam booker's fault.

- Really?

My sources say otherwise.

- What are you talking about?

Love triangles
are very unstable.

They always topple over
on someone.

You're being very brave.

Anything you wanna share
with my readers?

It's been really hard dealing
with amy's sex addiction.

I had to do
what I had to do.

- Sex addiction?

Isn't that what broke up
katy perry and russell brand?

I'd like to know
what calling me a sex addict

Has to do with helping liam.

oh.

So now you care about liam.

Maybe we should talk
about that picture of you two

Being all grabby
in the courtyard yesterday.

Looked pretty cozy to me.

- What?

No, that's not at all
what it looked like.

- Really?

Because it looked like
a repeat of that kiss

From the threesome,
which you sure seemed to enjoy.

- You are jealous.

It looked like
I had a right to be.

This was all about liam,
and it always has been.

Well, you know
how much I like him.

How can I not?
He's all you ever talk about.

You're like a horny parrot:

"liam booker, liam booker,
liam booker!"

Fine.
Maybe I overreacted.

No, you made yourself
perfectly clear.

I know what role
you want me to play,

And I am sick of playing it.

I think we should break up.

For real.

Amy, come on.
Let's not fight.

At first you think
he's really evolved,

But at his core,
liam's only out for liam.

When you say "core,"
I think "abs."

And his are amazing.

- I do a hundred crunches a day,

And that dude's still
got mine beat.

Could we please change
the subject?

Who here wants to know
where I got my top?

Hate to break up
the kaffeeklatsch, ladies,

But this news flash
can't wait.

What, did amy and liam
run off to elope?

Actually, you're the target
of this tidbit,

Pains me to say.

They're already calling this
"lauren-gate."

Oh, is that right,
perez hilton?

I've got nothing to hide.

Okay, then tell me
about the pills.

The pills you take
all the time

That you don't want
anyone to see.

- Good day, hester high.

Before we start
our announcements...

Brought to you by skwerkel...

We have a very special guest.

Now, I know we've all
been thrown for a loop

By the breakup
of our beloved karma and amy,

But karma's here
to say a few words.

Thanks, penelope.

And thank you, everybody,

For giving me a chance
to clear up some misinformation

You might have heard.

I was the one who invited liam
into a threesome

With me and amy.

Why? I don't know.

What can I say?

I'm confused.

I don't know what I want.

All I know is that
I don't wanna hurt a guy

Who's truly great.

And...

I don't wanna lose amy,

The person in this world
who means the most to me.

I never meant to hurt her.

I never meant
to hurt any of you.

So thanks for listening.

I'm so sorry.

It's okay.

Let's never fight again,
okay?

- Never? Us?

All: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

Guess we should give the crowd
what they want.

All: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

- So...

What do celebrities do when
they've gotten back together?

Vacation in cabo?

Record a duet?

Ooh, I know...
matching tattoos.

- Look.

I meant it when I said
that this was all my fault.

I never should have dragged you
into this disaster,

And I've been
the worst friend possible,

Which is why I think
we should still break up.

We'll tell everyone
in a few weeks

When this all dies down.

And I know that means
we're gonna have

To keep pretending
a little longer,

But I promise I'm gonna spend
the rest of my life

Making it up to you.

Hey, can we talk?

- I'm busy.

I wanted to tell you
in person how sorry I am.

I screwed up on so many levels.
- Got it.

Saw the announcements.
- I really wanna fix this.

Do you think
we could be friends?

I mean, not this minute,
but eventually?

- I have enough friends.

Because I felt like
we were genuinely connecting,

Telling each other things
nobody else knows,

And I've really started
to care about you.

- The whole school sees me

As a selfish,
manipulative ass.

Not anymore.
I made sure of it.

Nobody thinks that
you're the reason we broke up.

- But that's the point!

I wanted to be.

- What?

- Look.

I know that coming
between you and amy is wrong,

But I can't help it.

I've never felt this way before.

- What are you saying?

- I think I'm falling for you.

- Then let me catch you.

- d ah ah ah ah d

d

- Wait.

What about amy?

- She's my best friend.

I love her, but we're
not a couple anymore.

But I just saw you
on the announcements.

We're faking
getting back together

Until all of this blows over.

I promise.

Nobody else knows,
just you.

- d ah ah ah ah

d ah ah ah

d ah ah

d I'm counting on the idea d

d that you'll stay d

If we wanna be together,
nobody can see.

- Amy is okay with this?
- 100%.

I'm so glad we're back
to good.

- Me too.

Let's crash that wedding.
I'll drive.

You're not supposed
to be here.

- That's what makes it hot.
- Tommy dumped you.

I'm the one who dumped
that piece of.

- Yes, let it out.

- Mom, bruce, you're lucky.

You've fallen in love
with your best friend.