F Troop (1965–1967): Season 2, Episode 9 - Did Your Father Come from Ireland? - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Hey, sarge, while you're out

on this buying
assignment for the troop,

you can be doing some
business for O'Rourke Enterprises.

I don't know why everybody
says you're so dumb, Agarn.

You sure you don't want
me to go along with you?

When I'm buying
horses for this troop,

you are the one man
in this outfit I don't need.

Now that's hitting below
the saddle strap, sarge.

You've been in the
cavalry for nine years

and still don't know your
withers from your fetlock.



Do you mind lowering your voice?

Why? Everybody knows you
don't know anything about horses.

Yeah, but my horse doesn't.

Don't listen to a
word he says, Barney.

PARMENTER:
Sergeant? Oh, yes, sir.

All set, sergeant? Right, sir.

Hey, who says I'm dumb?

Agarn.

While you're
buying these horses,

I wonder if you could
pick out one for me.

Certainly. What would you like?

I'd like something in a nice,

high-spirited chestnut.

Right, sir. I think
I'd like a palomino.



Now, what do you
want with a palomino?

Because any palomino
is a pal of mine-o.

[LAUGHS]

That's very good,
Agarn. Thank you, sir.

You had your laugh. With
the captain's permission, I'll go.

Good luck, sergeant.

Thank you, sir.

Come on, boy. Here.

Hey, sarge.

Be sure you check all
the withers and fetlocks.

Well, you certainly know a
lot about horses, corporal.

Well, when you've been
around them as long as I have...

You know, I always forget
what they call that part.

[AGARN STAMMERING]

That part right there?
Well, that part is called...

Everybody knows
that. Good heaven, sir.

The stagecoach
is arriving. Really?

Yes, sir. Oh, you're
right, corporal.

AGARN: Jane, Jane.

What's all the excitement
about? Has the stage arrived yet?

No. Oh, good,
we're just in time.

Well, who are you meeting?
No one. It's Corporal Agarn.

Me, sir? I thought it was you
who wanted to meet the stage.

No, corporal. I... I don't know.

I was asking you what they
call this part of the leg here.

That's the shin bone
connected to the ankle bone.

Connected to the knee bone...

I know, I know,
corporal. I know.

Here's the mail, wrangler.
Uh, I'll take it, driver.

[♪♪♪]

Wilton, are you all
right? I'm fine, I'm fine.

I didn't realize we had that
many men who could write.

Oh, we've got a lot of
men who could write.

It's a shame more
of 'em can't read.

Well, driver, that was
a fine journey indeed.

Thank you very much. That's
it, you can go along now.

Ah, well, now.

My, that face looks
familiar. It certainly does, I...

Don't tell me,
don't tell me. Uh...

I've got it! You're
Sergeant O'Rourke's father.

Bright lad, and you
must be Corporal Agarn.

I don't know why they
say you're so dumb.

Well, it's certainly a
pleasure to meet you, sir.

Well, now.

Why, he's a spitting
image of his son.

And you must be Wrangler Jane.

All right, now tell
me, has this fine lad

asked for your hand
in marriage yet?

Well, no, he hasn't. Don't
you worry about a thing.

I'll have him on his
knees before I leave

for the old sod again.

Now, where's me boy?

He's on a horse-buying
assignment.

He didn't know you were coming.
I wanted to surprise the lad.

Oh, now, don't you
worry, I'll send out

two men immediately
to bring him back.

That's good. Now, would someone
show me to me son's quarters?

Your son... Well, sir, I think
you'd be much more comfortable

at the hotel here in town.

I'm an army man, you see.

The past commander
of the home guard, yes.

After a couple of
days in your fort,

I'll have all your troopers
as sharp as the IRA.

Actually, Mr. O'Rourke,
you see, it's against...

Wait a minute, I...

Tell me, lad, are you
Irish? No, sir. I'm not Irish.

More is to pity. Well, now who's
gonna show me to me quarters?

I'd be glad to.
That's a good girl.

That's a good girl.
Yes, yes, here we are.

Who says I'm dumb?!

Corporal, I want you to send
out two troopers immediately

and bring Sergeant
O'Rourke back. Yes, sir.

I think it would be nice for
the sergeant to see his father.

And it would be nice for
the father to see the son.

And it'll even be nicer
when that old man

gets back in the stagecoach.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Hey, Agarn, listen
to what I just learned

on my bugle this morning.

[PLAYING "MOTHER MACHREE"]

Now, don't tell me.

"Reveille"? No.

"Assembly"? No.

I give up, what is
it? "Mother Machree."

"Mother Machree"?

Mr. O'Rourke taught it to me.
He's even teaching me Irish.

Sure and begorra
mean anything to you?

Sure and begorra, I'm gonna
wrap that bugle around your head.

PARMENTER: Come in.

Captain Parmenter.
At ease, corporal.

Did I just hear Dobbs
playing "Reveille"?

No, sir. That was
"Mother Machree."

"Mother Machree"?

Yes, sir. Mr. O'Rourke
taught it to him.

I tell you, captain,
that old man

is trying to take over the fort.

Come now, corporal.
Teaching Dobbs

to play "Mother
Machree" isn't so bad.

As a matter of fact,
it's rather a nice tune.

[HUMMING]

♪ Love the dear silver
That shines in your hair ♪

♪ Oh, God bless you ♪

♪ And keep you ♪

♪ Dear Mother ♪
Captain.

♪ Machree ♪

Captain, captain.

Oh. That's not all he's doing.

He's got the cook
making Irish stew.

He's got half the
troopers doing an Irish jig.

And he's got the other half out

in back of the fort
planting shamrock seeds.

I didn't realize he'd
be this much trouble.

Trouble? Ha, ha, ha.

I can't help it. It's funny.

[♪♪♪]

PARMENTER: He had
them paint the flagpole green?

Sir, he wants them to
paint the whole fort green.

Well, I'll have a talk with him,

just as soon as I get this
letter off to headquarters.

Sir, if we don't get
rid of that old man,

we may be at war with England.

Any word from the two
troopers who went out

looking for Sergeant O'Rourke?

No, sir. I think Privates
Gilbert and Sullivan got lost.

We've got to get somebody
to find Sergeant O'Rourke.

Well, sir, I sent out
Privates Lewis and Clark.

As soon as they find
Gilbert and Sullivan,

I'm sure they'll find
Sergeant O'Rourke.

[DOOR OPENS]

Well, now, top of the
morning to you, captain.

And you too, corporal. The
rest of the day to you, sir.

Nice to see you
again, Mr. O'Rourke.

Thank you. There's
a fine lot of lads

that you've got at this fort,
sir. You should be very proud.

Oh, I am, sir. I'm
very proud of F Troop.

Are you? Are you
sure you're not Irish?

No, sir. I am not Irish.

Oh, yes. Oh, captain,
I wonder if you could

order me just a bit
more of the green paint.

More green paint?
I got it, captain!

Stand back!

Fire brigade. Come,
lads, now, fire brigade.

Mr. O'Rourke. I can't believe

the fire brigade didn't hear me.

My voice has been known to
carry from County Cork to Killarney.

We don't have a fire
brigade. You don't have a...

Well, you will have now, me lad.

Hey, lads, gather around.
Rally around here, boys.

That's it, that's it.

That's fine. Right there,
lads. That'll be fine, right there.

Now, look alive. Look
alive, be handy now.

Now, I'm gonna give you all

the benefit of me
experience of 25 years

as the chief of the volunteer
fire brigade of County Galway.

Mr. O'Rourke, how come firemen
always wears red suspenders?

Well, now, I... I do
believe that's the first time

the question's been asked.

It won't be the last.

Anyway, never mind
about the suspenders.

Now we're going to have some
instructions in ladder climbing.

What I want you to
do is pair off in twos

and take the
ladders off the wagon

and put 'em up next
to the barn there.

All right, let's look alive.
That's the way we go.

Hurry, here we go.

All right, now look alive
here. That's the way to go.

I'm gonna time
you now, so go for it.

What can be so difficult about
taking a ladder off a wagon?

All right, get that
ladder in there.

[YELLS]

MAN: All right.

Hold it there. Hold it! That's
enough of the ladder drill.

All right, that's
enough. That's enough.

Everybody on their feet
now. That's the way to go.

Hey. How did we
do on time, chief?

Time? Time, oh.

Well, you... You might
say you stopped the clock.

Now that we've got the ladder
drill down, what do we do next?

Well, now I think it's time
for... For the bucket brigade.

Morning, Wilton.
Hi, Agarn. Hi, Jane.

Oh, oh, you're wearing a dress,
Jane. What's the occasion?

No occasion. Papa O'Rourke
says there's an old Irish saying:

"As long they made colleens
different than they did lads,

"it's up to the colleen
to show the lad

where the difference is."

You two have become
pretty friendly, haven't you?

Oh, yes. He knows all about

breaking down a
man's resistance.

He does? Yes.

♪ When Irish eyes Are smilin' ♪

♪ Sure 'tis like A
morning spring ♪

♪ In the lilt Of
Irish laughter ♪

♪ You can hear The angels sing ♪

I've told you, not
in front of the men.

♪ When Irish hearts... ♪

You keep that up and
Papa O'Rourke is...

♪ Seems bright and gay ♪

I have important
military matters.

♪ And when Irish
eyes Are smilin' ♪

♪ Sure to steal
Your heart away ♪

All right, now, men. I
think we ought to be training

under actual
firefighting conditions.

So I'm gonna put a match
to that little pile of straw.

And when you see the flames,
you'll start the bucket brigade.

Now, inasmuch as
me watch is broken,

I'll have to time
you by counting.

And by the time I
get to a hundred,

you should have
the tiny blaze out.

[♪♪♪]

All right, now start...
Start the bucket brigade.

Dobbs, you're supposed
to let go of the bucket, lad.

Sorry about that, chief.

One, two, three, four...

Wait, wait! Hey, hey, hey.

Somebody put the water on
the fire, not on each other, lads.

On the fire, on the fire!

I just can't believe, corporal,

that our men can't
find Sergeant O'Rourke.

Oh, I'm sure we'll
get some word, sir.

I sent Stanley and Livingstone
out to find Lewis and Clark.

Who are still looking
for Gilbert and Sullivan,

who can't find
Sergeant O'Rourke.

Well, if you don't have
word by this afternoon,

send out two more troopers.

We've got to find
Sergeant O'Rourke

if it takes every
man in F Troop.

Yes, sir. I wanna find him
just as much as you do.

[SNIFFING]

Do you smell smoke, corporal?

Yes, sir. I sure do.

[♪♪♪]

PARMENTER: We'd better
get out, the building's on fire.

Fire brigade. Fire brigade!

[BOTH COUGHING]

Look, captain.

Well, now. Don't give
it a thought, me lads.

I'm sure we'll get
the hang of it in time.

That's it, that's it,
douse it a little up there.

That's a good boy.

Corporal, you've got
to get Mr. O'Rourke

out of the fort for a while.

There we go now. That's
the way, that's the way.

Don't worry, captain. I'll take
him up to the Indian camp.

He's been wanting
to see real live Indians

ever since he arrived.

Hey, that's a very
good idea, corporal.

The Hekawis are friendly

and we have a
peace treaty with them.

The Hekawis? I was planning
to drop him off at the Apaches.

[♪♪♪]

Whoa, now. That's good, boy.

AGARN: Here they
are. Real live Indians.

Wait till me cronies back
home hear about this.

You'll be the toast of every
saloon in County Galway.

You won't have to put me
hand in me pocket for a year.

Now, what do you
know about that?

A real live Indian village, huh?

Hi, chief. Hi, Craze. Hi.

Boys, I'd like you to...
Sergeant, what happened to you?

No, no, no, this is... You
look terrible, you look bad.

You look like you got one
foot in happy hunting ground.

This ain't Sergeant
O'Rourke. It's his father.

Your son should look so good.

This is Chief Wild Eagle of
the Hekawi diplomatic call.

Sure is nice to meet you, chief.

Me son has written
to me about you.

Has he written anything
about me? I'm Crazy Cat.

Oh, yes. He writes
me that all the time.

AGARN: Why don't you take
pop on a tour of the village.

You know, show him the tepees,

the bow and arrows,
the tomahawks.

Have a couple of boys do a
war dance for him, Indian it up.

Sure, be glad to. Come
with me, Mr. O'Rourke.

Oh, well now, that's a good lad.

And while we're at it, I'll
show you how to make

a nice Irish stew.

Out of succotash?

Look, Wild Eagle,

it'd be a nice thing if you made
the old man an honorary chief.

So he'll be a big man
when he gets home.

Very happy to make father

of Sergeant O'Rourke
honorary chief.

Cost you $10.

Ten dollars? Thought
you big spender.

Five dollars and that's it.

For $5 I not even make
him honorary squaw.

What's such a big deal?

Put a bonnet on him and tell him

he's Big Chief
Hit the Shillelagh.

Bonnets not cheap these days.
Big shortage in feather market.

Now don't give me that, chief.

How much trouble is it to run
in the woods and grab a turkey?

First must find one.

In old days, used to be
four turkeys for one chief.

Nowadays you show
me one plucked turkey,

I show you four Indian chiefs.

All right, I'll meet
you halfway.

I'll give you $7 and a half

to make the old man
an honorary chief.

You got a deal.

But if you see plucked
chicken walking around,

you'll know where the
old man got his feathers.

[♪♪♪]

Where's Mr. O'Rourke?

I left him up at the
Indian camp, sir.

You didn't really take
him to the Apaches?

No, sir. He's at
the Hekawi camp.

I made arrangements
for him to stay there

until Sergeant O'Rourke returns.

Corporal, look. A smoke
signal from the Hekawi camp.

I wonder what they're
saying. I don't know, sir.

Sergeant O'Rourke is the
only one who can read smoke.

PARMENTER: Chief Wild Eagle
is certainly long-winded today.

He hasn't even paused for a
comma, a semicolon, or a period.

Chief always was a little
weak on grammar, sir.

And do you notice
that the smoke signal

this time is awfully black?

I'd say, maybe his
blanket caught on fire.

Fire?

[♪♪♪]

[BOTH COUGHING]

Here, here.

My chief, my tribe.
What happened?

My tribe. What happened?

Our new honorary chief
was organizing a fire brigade.

Sure, and they almost
got the hang of it too.

Pop, you got to
stop preventing fires

or you're gonna
burn down the West.

He took the job away from
our own Chief Smokey Bear.

WILD EAGLE: Captain Parmenter,

Hekawis very
peaceful Indians, right?

PARMENTER: Yes.

We always honor our treaties.

We like children and old folk.

But if you not get him out
of here, we go on warpath.

Now, now, now, now,
just one moment here, sir.

I wouldn't want to
be the chief of a tribe

who is resisting progress.

I wouldn't at that. That's
all there is to it now.

Hey, chief, what about
that $7 and a half?

You get out of here. All
right, all right, all right.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Sure, a little bit
Of heaven fell ♪

♪ From out the sky one day ♪

Oh, well, now there
we are, corporal.

Any... Any sign of
me son? Not yet, Pop.

We got every man
in F Troop except me

and the captain looking for him.

Ah, well, don't worry.

If they don't find
him, the wee people

will come and tell
me where he is.

[CLEARS THROAT]

The wee people? The leprechauns.

Leprechauns?

Now don't tell me you haven't
heard of the leprechauns, lad.

The wee folk who
live in the glen.

Where'd you see them?

Seen them, I talked
to them. When?

Well, every night. On me
way home from the pope.

Well, we've got no leprechauns
here at Fort Courage.

Well, now there's
nothing to worry about.

The leprechauns would never
let down Morgan O'Rourke.

No, they'll be along.
And when they come,

they'll tell me
right where he is.

Oh, sure. They'll be here.

Tell me some... Now, are
you sure you're not Irish?

No, no, I'm not
Irish. More is to pity.

Why don't you go to sleep, sir?

Oh, now. Yes,
there's a good idea.

You and I will have
nice sleep, laddie.

And we'll dream
of the Emerald Isle.

That's what we'll do.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Who's there?

It's me, sir. Corporal
Agarn. Can I come in?

Yes, come in, corporal.

What seems to be the trouble?

Sir, do you mind if I sleep
in here with you tonight?

Why wouldn't you wanna
sleep in your own quarters?

Well, sir, it's gonna be a
little bit crowded in there.

Well, it's only you
and Mr. O'Rourke.

He's expecting company. Who?

The wee folk. The wee folk?

That's right, sir.

His friends, the
leprechauns. Leprechaun?

Oh, corporal, anybody
who'd believe in leprechauns

would believe in
Jack and the Giant.

What about Jack and the Giant?

Nothing. You can
sleep over there.

Thank you, sir.

Good night, Agarn.
Good night, captain.

Oh, captain. Yes?

Could I have a
drink of milk too?

[♪♪♪]

Corporal Agarn, any
sign of the troopers?

No, sir. No sign
of any troopers.

Any sign of Sergeant O'Rourke?

No, sir. No sign of him either.

Can't you see
anything, corporal?

No, sir. But I can
smell something.

What do you smell? Irish stew.

Irish stew?

Hi, Wilton. Look
what I brought you.

I know, Jane. We
smelled you coming.

I mean, we smelled
your pot coming.

No, hey. Jane, I've got
military problems here.

Captain, sir. Maybe
you ought to send me out

to do some scouting.

Wilton, you can't send
Agarn out there alone.

Why, those hills are
filled with hostile Apaches.

Just waiting to get
their tomahawks

in some unsuspecting soldier.

Jane, I am not
going to listen to you

tell me how to assign my men.

Listen to her, listen to her.
Sure and begorra, Janey lass,

I do believe you brought
a pot of Irish stew.

Yes, Mr. O'Rourke.

You're a very
foolish, young man.

If you're not careful,
somebody will come and sweep

this pretty colleen
off her feet.

Well, it will be a little messy
if she's holding that stew.

Sir, at the moment
all I am interested in

is finding my
troop and your son.

Well, don't worry
about a thing now.

If the lads are
not back tonight,

I'll go out tomorrow
and find me boy myself.

Hey, Janey lass, I do
believe I'll relieve you of that

and have a wee
snack. Ha, ha, ha.

'Tis a bit of Ireland.
'Tis a bit of Ireland.

Wilton, did you hear
what Mr. O'Rourke said?

You can't let him go out
looking for his son alone.

Don't listen to her. No,
no, she's right, Agarn.

He doesn't know the country.

He could fall into the
hands of the Apaches.

No problem, sir. He'll
burn down their village.

Agarn, he doesn't
even know the country.

He might get lost, and
who would find him?

The leprechauns.

Corporal, no matter
what Mr. O'Rourke thinks,

the leprechauns
are not going to come

and tell him where his son is.

You're gonna have a
tough time convincing him.

Well, I'm just going
to have to do it.

Wait a minute, Wilton.

You know, Agarn,
I don't know why

everybody says you're so dumb.

[♪♪♪]

Who says I'm dumb?
Keep it down, Agarn.

[ALL GIGGLE]

[HIGH VOICE] Sure and
begorra, it's Morgan O'Rourke.

[HIGH VOICE] All
the way from Galway.

[HIGH VOICE] I wouldn't
believe it was Morgan O'Rourke

unless I seen it
with me own eyes.

Well, now. If it isn't
me wee people.

Now, what are you doing
here in Fort Courage?

Sure and we've come to tell you

that you should not
go looking for your son.

Ah, it is far too dangerous.

We're going to bring
him back ourselves.

Oh, are you now?

There's no problem,
Mr. O'Rourke.

You can depend on the wee folk.

Yes, I could always
depend on the wee folk.

What is it now, have
you all gone daft?

Morgan, me boy. You
have come home at last.

Well, I'm not so
sure of that, Pop.

Well, we're leprechauns.

We've come to have
a chat with your father.

JANE: We've come all
the way from the other side.

Can't you see we're
Irish? Our eyes are smiling.

Laddie, I want you to
meet me leprechaun friends.

Now, this one here
is Captain Parmenter.

And this is Wrangler Jane.

And that there is
Corporal Agarn.

[NORMAL VOICE] We didn't fool
you for a minute, did we, Mr. O'Rourke?

Not for a minute,
Captain Parmenter.

But you did an old
man's heart a lot of good.

I want to tell you, son, you're
with a grand bunch here.

That's what you are.
They're a grand bunch indeed.

That I know, Pop.

Damn, it's so awful
good to see you, Pop.

It's been such a long time.

Ah, Morgan, lad, it's been
far too long a time indeed.

Why, you look as
fit as a fiddle now.

MR. O'ROURKE: Hey,
Morgan, do you remember:

♪ Sure, a little bit
Of heaven fell ♪

♪ From out the sky one day ♪

♪ And it nestled On the ocean ♪

♪ In a spot so far away ♪

MORGAN: ♪ Then they
dotted it With silver ♪

♪ Just to make
it look So grand ♪

BOTH: ♪ And when
they had It finished ♪

♪ Sure they called it ♪

♪ Ireland ♪

[NORMAL VOICE] Now, that's the
most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Tell me, lad, are you sure
now that you're not Irish?

All right, I'm Irish.
You don't look it.

[♪♪♪]

Well, I certainly want
to thank you, captain,

for your warm hospitality.

Oh, I only wish you
could stay with us longer.

But we have to ride out
and try to round up our troop.

Well, I understand, me boy.

And goodbye to you
too, Corporal Agarn.

And even if you
don't look Irish,

you're a fine broth of the bath.

Thank you, sir.

Hey, Pop, the stage is coming.

They're coming, Morgan, me boy.

Oh, I'll take that,
sir. Oh, thank you.

Ah. Here, lass, now.
You do like I tell you.

You see? You keep
singing those Irish songs,

and wearing those pretty frocks,

and you making that Irish
stew, and you'll get that lad yet.

Thank you, Mr. O'Rourke.

And give my regards
to the wee folk.

Thank you very
much. There we are...

Look, our lost troopers.

Oh, yeah.

There's Duddleson and Duffy.
And Vanderbilt and Dobbs.

And Gilbert and Sullivan.
And Lewis and Clark.

And Holmes and Watson.

Wait a minute. There's
someone missing.

AGARN: You're right. Hey,
Dobbs. Where's Livingstone?

Oh, don't worry about him,
Agarn. Stanley'll find him.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]