F Troop (1965–1967): Season 2, Episode 8 - The Ballot of Corporal Agarn - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Sweeney!

Captain Parmenter!

[SOFTLY] Sorry, sir.

Dobbs!

Trooper Duffy!

It's from that magazine
I sent my poem to.

Poem? Remember the
Alamo Remember Jim Bowie

Remember Dave Crockett
Who never went to St. Louis

Remember the heroes
Whose lives they did gave

But always remember
Old Jim and Old Dave



And remember Old Al
And Old Seymour and Bill

Old Bruno, Old Sigmund
Old Tom and Old Phil

And remember Old Nate
And Old Conrad and Margie

Margie?!

Why don't you open it
and see if they liked it?

Yeah.

Well, I'm doing better anyway.
The last time they burned it.

Oh, mother's been baking again.

Oh, captain, it's too bad.

All the cookies got
broken in the mail.

No, no, mother
breaks them herself.

Doesn't want the post
office to go to the trouble.

Randolph Agarn!

That's you.



I'm sorry, sarge.

It's so long since I
heard the Randolph,

I thought my first
name was corporal.

Maybe it's from your mother.

Why don't you open it
and see who it's from?

[♪♪♪]

Hey. It's an absentee
ballot. I'm supposed to vote.

Well, I, uh... I don't
suppose you men

would like some of
my mother's cookies.

O'ROURKE: Not just right
now. AGARN: Thank you.

Which one of these
guys you gonna vote for,

Dan McGurney or George Bragan?

Me, vote?

[LAUGHS]

What good would
my little vote do?

Any way you add it up,
Mindy, it still comes out a tie.

I don't get it, Uncle Dan.

It's one chance in a million

that an election
can turn out a tie.

Everybody who knows
what Bragan stands for

must have voted for me.

Everybody who
knows what I stand for

must have voted for Bragan.

And we both know the
same number of people.

Now, what happens?

Are you gonna demand
a recount and fix it?

Not just yet.

There happens to
be one absentee ballot

that hasn't come in yet.

The deciding vote.

I just know he'll be in
your corner, Uncle Dan.

I just know it.

I'm not so sure.

He's been away in the Army

stationed in some place
called Fort Courage.

Well, whose ballot is it?

It's the ballot of
Corporal Randolph Agarn.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

So this is Fort Courage.

Well, I'll say one
thing for the place.

It makes Passaic
look like Paris.

Well, now, now, Mindy.

You know your uncle is
here for a very worthy cause.

I still say you could
have just sent this Agarn

one of your campaign speeches.

My years in politics
have taught me

that there's nothing
like the personal touch.

Then let's touch him for
his vote and get back home.

Oh, pardon me, miss. I
wonder if you could help us.

Why, I'd be glad to.

My name's Wrangler
Jane. Howdy, folks.

Howdy.

I'm looking for the commanding
officer of Fort Courage.

Oh, that's Wilton.

I mean, Captain Parmenter.
I'll take you to him.

Well, I am much obliged.

Follow me, folks.

All right, Anderson,
let me see it!

Good boy, Anderson!
Did you see that?

Now, Dobbs, make
me proud of you.

Now, men, you have just
seen a typical example

of someone who
wasn't paying attention!

I have just demonstrated
how a sneaky Indian

will attack you from the rear!

First night, we'll bivouac
along the river here.

And the next night in
the foothills right here.

Yes, sir. Very good, sir. Good.

Howdy, Wilton. You
busy? No, no, not really.

They just have a little
map problem here.

Well, these here folks
were wanting to see him.

Captain Parmenter, I
presume? That's right.

Daniel J. McGurney's the name.

The good folks at
Passaic call me Derby Dan.

You can too. Have a cigar.
Oh, no, thank you, Derby, I...

And you too,
lieutenant. Uh, sergeant.

Oh, but you have
the officer look.

Oh, and this is my
niece, Mindy Dawson,

who also acts as my secretary.

So very pleased
to meet you, cap...

[CRUNCH]

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

And you too, lieutenant.

Sergeant, ma'am.

I just happened to be passing
and thought I'd say hello

to one of my constituents in
your command, Randolph Agarn.

Corporal Agarn? Yes.

You see, I'm running
for mayor of Passaic.

Really? Corporal Agarn is
voting for mayor of Passaic.

Will coincidences never cease?

Sergeant, would you please
summon Corporal Agarn, please?

Yes, sir. I believe he's at
Indian-fighting tactics, sir.

No, no, no, captain,

I wouldn't think of disturbing
your training routine.

We'll just visit our heroic
Indian-fighter out in the field.

Ah, well, good.
I'll take you to him.

You're very kind, sir.
Thank you so much, captain.

Not at all, not at all.

[♪♪♪]

Agarn. Yo, sarge.

There's some folks here from
Passaic who wanna see you.

How do you do, son? I
am Derby Dan McGurney.

My gosh, you're beautiful.

Oh.

Oh, this is my niece, Mindy.

McGurney. McGurney.

[SNAPPING FINGERS]

You're on that
ballot they sent me.

I most certainly am.

I'm out your way
because I believe

that even a candidate
for a small-town mayor

should keep his fingers

on the nation's pulse.

Isn't that right, Mindy?

Oh, yes, uncle.

And while he's taking the pulse

I'd just love to get better
acquainted with one

of our fighting
men from Passaic.

Bet he did more
fighting in Passaic

than he's done since
he's been out here.

All right, you men,
don't just stand there!

Hit that Indian!

And I said to Uncle Dan:

"Uncle Dan, I just know
that a handsome, intelligent,

young man like Randolph
Agarn will vote for you."

You knew I was
handsome and intelligent?

And you hadn't even met me!

Then I can count on you, my boy?

I only regret

that I have but one
vote to give to my city.

Just make your mark
there, Randolph, honey.

No ink, captain.

Hm?

Oh, wait, I'll get
you another bottle.

There you are.

Please, this is a secret ballot.

[MOUTHS] I love you.

Howdy, Wilton. I brought
you another guest.

Bragan!

What are you doing here?

The same thing you
are, Dan, old man.

Politics makes
strange travelers.

And you must be Randolph Agarn.

You mean the George
C. Bragan on this ballot

is the same George C.
Bragan I used to see perform

at the old State
Theater on Main Street?

Or was it the old Main
Theater on State Street?

BRAGAN: I am the one and only.

What are you doing
running for mayor?

Well, vaudeville's
on the decline.

I thought I'd make an appearance
in the biggest show of all:

Politics.

Well, I wouldn't be surprised

if this started a
whole new trend.

You'll never be a
politician, Bragan.

You'll always be just
a song and dance man.

You're wrong, McGurney.

I've gotten all the
greasepaint out of my blood.

Yeah? ♪ Da-dum,
da-dum, dum-dum ♪

[TAP DANCES]

[LAUGHING]

McGurney, don't do that.

What's the matter?

Is my esteemed opponent
afraid his background is showing?

At least my background
is a lot sunnier

than the shady past
of my worthy adversary.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, please.

No electioneering
here, a man is voting.

And this man is voting for me.

So you can just dance
yourself right out of here.

My noble foe will
pardon my skepticism,

but a vote isn't a vote
until it's been voted.

And until then, we both
stand an equal chance

of becoming mayor.

Gentlemen, let
me understand this.

Uh, Corporal Agarn's vote is
going to decide this contest?

Oh, didn't Mr. McGurney mention

that the election
came out a tie?

Shame on you, Dan.

It doesn't matter.

Because Randolph's gonna
give his vote to Uncle Dan.

Aren't you, Randolph?

This is unfair competition.
I demand equal time.

Uh, gentlemen,

Corporal Agarn has not
reached a final decision.

I noticed that Tuesday
is the deadline,

and he has until then to,
uh, exercise his judgment.

Here we go. But,
sarge... Now, now, now.

I'm sure that Mr. Bragan
and Mr. McGurney

can find suitable
quarters in town, huh?

There we are.

What is going on,
sarge, will you tell me?

What in the world is going on?

Just the sweetest deal
that we have ever run into.

Now, that's no answer.

Why did you stop me
from voting for Derby Dan?

I didn't stop you from
voting for Derby Dan.

I stopped you from
losing us a gold mine.

A gold mine?

Listen, your vote in
this election is crucial.

The man that you
are going to vote for

is going to be the
mayor of Passaic.

Now I get it.

You want me to think it over

and make a wise
choice for Passaic.

No, I want you to think it over

and make the wise choice
for Agarn and O'Rourke.

Look, you play these two
men against each other

for all it's worth,

and your vote will go
to the highest bidder.

Well, my vote is not for sale.

Not even if it means a nice,
soft, cushiony political job

when you return
to civilian life?

Never.

And a high salary?

I just couldn't.

And certain luxuries to, uh,
fill your immediate needs?

Well... Like money?

Money?

Lots.

Sarge,

you know anybody
who wants to buy a vote?

[LAUGHS]

[♪♪♪]

[PIANO PLAYING UPBEAT TUNE]

You know, this place
kind of reminds me

of the old Gaiety
Saloon in Passaic.

Can I buy you another
steak, Randolph?

No, no, three's enough.

Besides, I gotta get
back to the fort for chow.

Yes, sir. Those were
the good old days.

The good old good old days.

That's what I
intend to bring back

if I'm elected, Randolph.

And without incurring
any obligations

from stage left or stage right.

Yes, sir. I'm strictly
a stage-center man.

Is that good? It isn't bad.

I'm what Passaic needs.
A breath of fresh air.

All of New Jersey
could use that.

Randolph, you vote for me

and I'll see that you
get a lifetime pass

to the old State
Theater on Main Street.

Or is it the old Main
Theater on State Street?

I'll give you a pass
to both of them.

I'll have to think about it.

Now's your chance, Mindy.

I'm counting on you
to go to work on him.

That isn't work, uncle.
That's child's play.

♪ Da-dum, da-dum, dum-da ♪

[TAP DANCES]

[LAUGHS]

Out of your blood, eh?

McGurney, don't do that.

[♪♪♪]

Hello, Randolph.

You've been neglecting me.

Well, I'm in the Army, you know.

I know.

There's something
about that uniform.

Did I get any gravy on it?

No, it's the way you wear it.

The way it clings to
every rippling muscle

of your manly physique.

Randolph, Mmm.

If you vote for my Uncle Dan

I just know that
I'd be so grateful,

I wouldn't be able
to control myself.

[MOUTHS] No.

I'll think about it.

Boy, will I think about it.

Corporal Agarn, if
I'm elected mayor

I can put you on the
ladder to success.

How'd you like to be dogcatcher?

Dog...?

Thought I'd start a little
further up on the ladder.

Dog? Really.

Agarn, you're looking at a man
who can make you tax collector.

No, I don't think so.

You meet so many unhappy people.

Really, it's...

Sanitation inspector?

When I get out of the Army,

there's gonna be
no more inspections.

First assistant to the second
vice deputy district attorney.

No, that title will
never fit on the door.

All right. Controller.

City planning manager.
Fire commissioner.

Who goes there...?

Come on.

Sarge, you never...
How'd you make out?

I got 'em up as high
as fire commissioner.

Ah, no. There's
still plenty of time.

You gotta get something
bigger and better than that.

But, sarge,

I always wanted to be a fireman.

Mr. McGurney to see
Captain Parmenter.

Oh. Uh.

A captain's work is never done.

Now, what can I do
for you, Mr. McGurney?

The question is what
can I do for you, captain?

As you may already know,

I'm in a position to
get many priorities

for Fort Courage and
the men of F Troop.

Ah. Well, we can always use
priorities before anything else.

You know how it
is with us politicians.

You just drop the right
word in the right ear.

Mr. Bragan to see
Captain Parmenter.

Good morning, cap...

I do hope I'm
interrupting something.

I'll come back when I
can talk to you privately.

Now, as I was saying, captain...

McGURNEY: ♪ Da-dum,
da-dum, dum-da ♪

[TAP DANCES]

[McGURNEY LAUGHING]

Don't do that!

Oh, actually, I like the
way you dance, Mr. Bragan.

Tell me, how did you do that?

Oh, here, captain.
I'll show you.

It's just a few simple steps.

[♪♪♪]

Try this.

That's excellent. Excellent.

How 'bout some soft-shoe?

Yeah.

Captain, I was hoping
maybe you could

speak to Corporal
Agarn about voting.

Oh, I'm encouraging
him to vote, Mr. Bragan.

Maybe you could
encourage him the right way.

The show business way.

Wow. Take it, Parmie.

[CHUCKLES]

[HUMMING]

If it's all the same
to you, Mr. Bragan,

I think I'll just stay
out of Passaic politics.

Corporal, here's my final offer:

a thousand acres of
land for you and O'Rourke,

a lifetime annuity
for each of you,

jobs for all your relatives,

and you, my friend,
will be deputy mayor.

What about those theater passes?

Those too. You
have my hand on it.

Uh, we'd prefer
something in writing.

I'll give you a signed
statement tomorrow.

Good, and that's when
you'll get Agarn's vote.

Tomorrow.

Uncle Dan, I have
some terrible...

I heard. O'Rourke
broke the news.

Well, I'm quitting,
throwing in the towel.

The only way I can
top Bragan's offer

is to make Agarn mayor.

And the machine
wouldn't stand for that.

Well, I'll go arrange
transportation home.

Well, anyway, I got a
consolation prize from Agarn.

Which is better than
having to kiss him.

Quite an Indian bracelet.

I wonder where he
could've gotten it.

There's no Indian
trading-post in this town.

He said something
about him and O'Rourke

having ways of acquiring
things from the Hekawis.

How could it be, Mindy,
that O'Rourke and Agarn,

soldiers of the
United States Army,

are having dealings
with the Indians?

You said O'Rourke was shrewd.

Mindy, as my esteemed opponent,
George C. Bragan, once observed,

a vote is not a vote
until it's been voted.

Hi, chief. Hi. Hi, Crazy.

Hey, the profits are
down this month.

Much overhead.

Come on, what overhead
did you have this month

that you didn't have last month?

Rain. That's fine.

We got a good thing going
here with O'Rourke Enterprises.

True. You scratch Hekawi
back, Hekawi scratch yours.

Good idea. Crazy...

Would you scratch
right over there?

I got a terrific itch.

O'ROURKE: All right.

Gotta get back to the fort.

This is election day
and he's gotta vote.

What means election day?

What means vote?

Ah, you wouldn't
understand about that.

You see, voting is
one of the processes

of American democracy.

Oh, voting means taking
land away from Indians.

No, no, no.

Voting is where
the majority rules.

Any fool know that never work.

Why Hekawis no
have voting for chief?

Because chief handed
down from father to son.

Me think voting better.

Let's you and I
go back to the fort.

Settle this among yourselves.

Why O'Rourke always
have to check monthly take?

Him think Hekawis cheat.

Hekawis do cheat, but why
him always have to check?

[♪♪♪]

Corporal Agarn.

Ah, ah, ah, now, wait
a minute, McGurney.

No matter what it is,
it's gonna have to wait.

He's going in there to vote.

Excellent.

Don't forget, Agarn,
you vote for Bragan...

Sarge, he's a good loser.

And I'll tell Captain Parmenter

all about your dealing
with the Hekawis.

And about your most
enterprising O'Rourke Enterprises.

You're bluffing.

[CHUCKLES] Just call me.

Oh, Corporal Agarn, I
see you're here to vote.

Come right in. Oh, captain.

When the results of
the election are known,

I may want to have
a few words with you

concerning a serious
infraction of military rules.

Certainly, but I'm sure I
can explain everything.

Everything's ready, corporal.

All right, McGurney,
you got Agarn's vote.

But, sarge, what
about the money?

The jobs, the land,
the deputy mayor?

The passes? Remember our necks.

McGURNEY: Just a minute, boys.

I think we ought to
have a big celebration

to show the workings
of democracy.

What's the biggest
place in town?

The saloon.

Fine. I'll meet you there.

Oh, and I wanna
invite the captain too,

just in case.

No wonder he's
such a good loser.

He always wins.

Bragan, no hard feelings
because Agarn voted for me?

All's fair in love and politics.

I sure thought I
had him sewed up.

Yeah, the stitches
must have come loose.

I just came down to say goodbye
to our distinguished guests.

Thank you for your
hospitality, captain.

By the way, Derby,

what was that serious
infraction of military rules

you were going to tell me about?

Oh, that. It was nothing.

O'Rourke and Agarn very
kindly clarified it for me.

MINDY: Come on, Uncle Dan,

or the stage will
leave without us.

JANE: Agarn. Agarn.

Agarn, telegram.
It's from Passaic.

Well, if it's for me,
it's gotta be trouble.

Oh, here. I'll read it.

I don't know anybody in Passaic.

Let's see here.

Let's...

"This is to notify you that
your vote has been invalidated.

"All local saloons

"and other places where
whisky can be purchased

should have been
closed on election day."

What?! Let me see.

♪ Da-da, da-da, da-da Boom ♪

Don't do that!

[LAUGHS]

Now what happens, Mr. Bragan?

Well, captain, the
election's still a tie.

So it will be up
to the city council

to choose between us.

So long.

Bye.

I wonder how Passaic
knew that saloon was open.

Oh, well, Washington
requested a report

on absentee
balloting procedures,

and naturally, I had
to give them the facts.

Naturally.

Well, we wouldn't have
had it any other way, sir.

Would we, Agarn?

[SOBBING]

Gentlemen,

I've just had some
political news from Passaic.

Passaic? Ha! Where's that?

What's the news?

Well, the city council
has made its decision.

They picked George Bragan.

And he's now known

as the dancing mayor
of Passaic, New Jersey.

It could only happen in America.

Well, gentlemen, that's all.

You're dismissed.

Yes, sir.

I wonder if a military man
could ever make it in politics.

[♪♪♪]

Wilton, this letter
just came for you.

It's marked urgent.

Oh, uh, thank you, Jane.

Well, aren't you gonna open it?

I will.

Well, you don't seem
very anxious about it.

I-I'll get around to it.

What is it, a love letter?

No. No, it's not a love...

Well, if you must know,

it's a set of instructions
on how to fold a map.

Oh, government business.

Could you hold
that, please, Janey?

[♪♪♪]

Now, "hold left-hand
corner A and fold."

No, that's left-hand...
Yeah, left-hand top corner A.

Fold to right-hand top corner B.

Now, uh, "take
right-hand section F

and fold to middle section."

See, that's the right half.

Now, "fold"... Okay. All right.

"Fold bottom section to top.

Fold left to right."

I did it. I did it!

Oh, Wilton, you're wonderful.

Oh, it was nothing really.

Well, I guess I'd better

put these instructions
away in the file.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]