F Troop (1965–1967): Season 2, Episode 7 - Yellow Bird - full transcript

A white woman raised by Indians starts to take after the Captain.

[♪♪♪]

Sarge, water.

I see water over there.

Agarn, it's just another mirage.

But I see it, sarge.

Clear blue water. I see it.

Agarn, all I see is rocks,
like you got in your head.

Now, come on.

We'll be back at the
fort in less than an hour,

unless we run into those Apaches

we're supposed
to be looking for.



Please, sarge. I gotta
rest. I just gotta rest.

Even my saddle's
getting saddle sores.

All right, all right.

Five minutes. But that's it.

Thanks, sarge.

Your heart is as big as
that whole blue ocean

right over there.

All right, come on.
That's another mirage.

Just go over there and lay
down and close your eyes.

Maybe it'll go away.

Good idea, sarge. Good idea.

[GRUNTS]

Whew!

Sarge, if I'm seeing mirages,



why am I seeing mirages?

Well, now, that's simple, Agarn.

You're thirsty so
you're seeing water.

You see, you always see
what you want the most.

Now, that makes sense. Mm.

Ooh, does that make sense!

Well, of course it makes sense.

And that's some mirage.

What mirage?

Right up there on that boulder.

Agarn, that is no mirage.
That is a blond Indian girl.

I still say it's a mirage,
and I seen it first.

Yoo-hoo! Mirage!

AGARN: Or whatever your name is.

Hey. Hey! Wait!

Hey! Come on back here.

Horse thief! Come back here!

You come back!

Ah, well, that did it.

Now we gotta walk
back to the fort.

Sarge.

What's that?

A locket.

The mirage must've dropped it.

Agarn, would you do me a favor?

The next time you see a
mirage that steals horses,

keep it to yourself, will ya?

Come on.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Yeah, well, that's...
That's the way it is, captain.

A very strange story, sergeant.

Oh, yes, sir. That means we may
have met a genuine blond Indian.

Or else she wasn't an Indian,
only dressed like an Indian.

That is, unless she was a
mirage like the sarge said...

Agarn.

Corporal, mirages
do not steal horses.

Then where did ours go?

Will you cut that out, Agarn...?

Uh, a touch of the sun, sir.

I see.

Perhaps the, uh...

The locket will
explain things, sir.

The locket? But... Oh,
yes. Yes, of course.

Good thinking, sergeant.

Oh, wait... Wait. Here, I'll...

Oh! Are you all right, sir?

I'm fine. I'm fine.

Uh, let me see here.

Uh, "To my baby daughter Cynthia
with love. Gideon D. Jeffries."

Jeffries. Gideon D. Jeffries?

That girl must've been
an Apache captive.

A child stolen in infancy
and raised within the tribe.

Jeffries. Gideon D. Jeffries.

Do you know him, sergeant?

Oh, well, if he's the
man I'm thinking of, sir,

he's one of the biggest
silver-mine owners in Texas.

Well, won't he be pleased

when we restore his
long-lost daughter to him.

Oh! Oh, money can't
buy happiness, you know.

It can't?

Agarn, go have
Dobbs sound the attack.

An attack, sir?

We'll show those shifty Apaches

they can't steal children
and get away with it.

Ha... Has the captain considered

that F Troop is not at its
full fighting strength, sir?

I mean, Vanderbilt
busted his glasses again,

and... And Duffy's old
Alamo wound is acting up.

And the Apaches are in the
peak of conditions. The very peak.

Surely you men
are not suggesting

that F Troop remain idle
when our duty is perfectly clear.

Let me put it another way, sir.

We are dealing with
Geronimo, the Apache chief.

He is a wily character.

Wily, sir. Very wily.
And treacherous.

Very treacherous, sir.

So, I suggest that
we fight fire with fire.

Flaming arrows?

Captain, let's get an
Indian to deal with an Indian.

And who better
than the brave, noble,

courageous stalwart and
heroic chief, Wild Eagle?

You got wrong Indian, brothers.

But Wild Eagle, you gotta help.

If Geronimo doesn't release
her, there's gonna be a bloodbath.

Yeah, and with our blood. Huh!

Better yours than ours.

Now, wait... Please, please.

Talk about something else.

Just had dinner.

Chief should rest after dinner.

Last chief go like that... when
he get excited after big meal.

I want medical advice,
I ask medicine man.

Well, he give last
chief good advice,

just before last chief go to big
happy hunting ground in sky.

You don't shut up, you
be in happy hunting ground!

Geronimo is your cousin, right?

Some cousin. He only come
to visit when he's out of buffalo.

Then he stay for weeks.

But you know him.
He'll listen to you.

Geronimo listen to
nobody but Geronimo.

Yeah? Well, will he listen
to the sound of money?

The rustle of greenbacks?

Wouldn't anybody?

That's the whole working capital

of O'Rourke Enterprises.

Agarn, I'm surprised at
you. Where is your heart?

A helpless female being
held by savage Indians,

and you're thinking
about a few measly bucks.

How measly, O'Rourke?

I've got a lot of money to
pay for the release of that girl.

Now, whether you give it to
Geronimo or not, I don't care.

Get her back, you can keep
it all. Five hundred bucks.

And I'll throw in
a dozen blankets.

Now, you got right
Indian, brother.

I still don't understand, sarge.

That $500 was the
last cent we had.

Agarn, I've told you five times.

That girl is the daughter of the
richest mine owners in Texas.

Right. And who saved
his long-lost child?

Wild Eagle. Right? Wrong.

You and I saved that
poor helpless child.

Then there's a reward
in it for you and me.

Ah-ha! Mr. Jeffries
will be so grateful

that in a short time, you and
I will retire on a large fortune.

But what if Wild Eagle
can't get her back for us?

In a situation like this, Agarn,

have you ever known
me to guess wrong?

Yes.

No, no, no.

We cannot wait another day.

But, captain, just give
Wild Eagle a little time.

He had a week and
there's been no word at all.

I'm ordering immediate
attack on the Apache camp.

Wait a minute,
captain. Smoke signals.

Sarge, you read smoke.

Uh, yeah. It's from
Chief Wild Eagle.

Well, it's about time.
What's he saying, sergeant?

"Have round girl."

That's the best kind.

Round, sergeant? Oh.

Correction, sir. It
says, "Have found girl.

Excuse spelling.
Have hole in blanket."

How, chief.

How.

Good work, Chief Wild Eagle,

Hey, yeah. How...? How
did you manage it, chief?

Make blanket deal.

Trade dozen blankets
for Yellow Bird.

Yellow Bird? Well,
that's not the gi...

Oh! That's her Apache name.

Yeah, well, that's all over now.

Her real name is
Cynthia Jeffries,

and she's gonna
have to get used to it.

Where is she, chief? In teepee.

Ah. Crazy Cat, bring Bird.

Ah!

Ah.

How do you do? I'm
Captain Wilton Parmenter.

I... I... I don't think
she understands, sir.

Oh, uh...

uh, we are your...
Your friends, see?

ALL: Friends.
Friends. Friends. See?

Friend.

[BONES CRACK] Oh...! Ow! Ow!

[SPEAKING FOREIGN DIALECT]

Does anybody understand
what she's saying?

Uh, I understand a
little Apache, captain.

Me, uh, Corporal Agarn.

[SPEAKS FOREIGN DIALECT]

Well, she seemed
to understand that.

Yes, sir.

Uh, Miss Jeffries, the corporal
was just trying to be friendly.

He likes you.

Uh, like. Like? Huh?

Like. Like.

Like.

Ah, me like you.

Ooh! Oh.

[CHUCKLES]

That's very nice of you.

Like.

Like. Whoa! Please put me down.

[SPEAKS FOREIGN DIALECT]

No, no, no. I'm on
duty. Sergeant, help.

Uh, Yellow Bird, put
him down this instant.

Now, the captain
doesn't like it.

Well, with the
captain's permission,

I'd like to send a
wire to Mr. Jeffries

telling that his, uh...
His daughter is safe.

Well, now, let's not
be hasty, sergeant.

It would be cruel if we
were wrong about this.

Let's be absolutely certain
that she's the right girl.

Good. Now, uh...

Uh, Miss Jeffries.

Me Yellow Bird.

Oh, heh, heh, do you
mind if I correct you?

That's, "I am Yellow Bird."

See...? No, no. I... I am
Wilton Parmenter, see?

He is Randolph Agarn.

I am Sergeant Morgan O'Rourke.

Right. Now, you
are... Me Yellow Bird.

Yellow, yellow,
bird. Yeah, uh...

Gentlemen, in
the last few hours,

we've made a little progress
with the English language,

but it is coming rather slowly.

Now, Yellow Bird, when
did you last see your father?

Uh... uh, your daddy?

Daddy?

Many moons.

Uh, did you walk out of
the cabin and get lost? Hm?

Uh... Well... Well, here. Here.

Did you...?

Did you walk out
of a door like this:

See? Oh.

[WOOD CRACKING]

Out.

You... You... You
walked out of a cabin?

Uh, maybe a wagon train?

Uh, here. I... I wonder if she
has any identifying marks.

I ought to check her
for birthmarks. Agarn.

Now, if she remembers
her hometown.

Where did you
say her father lives?

Texas. Texas. You
are from Dallas?

Fort Worth? San Antonio?

Hong Kong?

A girl is lost in Hong Kong

and walks all the way
to the United States?

Well, sarge, she had
15 years to do it in.

Uh, let me see here.
Uh, Texas, Texas. Uh...

Texas. Texas,
Texas. Yes, yes, yes.

What other cities are there?

Austin?

Uh, Houston? Houston.

Houston!

Wilton Parmenter,
what's going on here?

We're conducting an
official interrogation.

And since when is hanky-panky
one of your official duties?

We've just found where
this girl comes from.

We have to send a wire
to Houston right away.

Houston.

I ain't sending no wires
till she puts you down.

Uh, you have to put me
down, Miss Yellow Bird.

I'm still on duty.

Whoa! Oh, Wilton!

[SCREAMS]

Oh!

Are you all right, sir?

I'm all right. I'm all right.

Janey, that's certainly swift.
When did we get the answer?

Just a few minutes ago. Here.

Uh, let's see. Uh...

"Will arrive Fort
Courage tomorrow.

"Most anxious to meet persons
who found my darling daughter

and reward them.
Signed, Gideon D. Jeffries."

There, you see, Yellow Bird?
Tomorrow you'll be going home.

Me go home with you.

No. No, no, no, no, no. It's,
"I go home with you." See?

I go home, you go
home, she goes home.

Do you understand?
I understand all right.

Nobody's going
home with you, Wilton.

He belongs to me.

No, him belong me.

No, he doesn't.

Ladies, ladies, please!

Jane, would you please pick
out a dress for Yellow Bird?

I have to be getting back
to the fort. Excuse me.

Now, listen, Miss Yellow Bird.

Wilton is mine. All mine.

No. Him mine.

He's spoke for.

What "spoke for"?

That means he's my
property, and hands off.

Someday Wilton and I
are gonna be married.

Married.

Married.

What mean "marriage"?

Marriage? Uh, well,
marriage, that's a lot of trouble.

Ha, ha, ha. No, no.

Marriage is when a boy
and a girl love each other.

Love. Love, see? Love.

How marry?

Well, first, a boy
and girl get a license.

Then they go in front
of a judge or a minister.

Do you, Yellow Bird,
take this man in deadlock?

Wedlock. Wedlock.

The judge asks the boy
if he wants to get married,

and the boy says, "I do."

And that's the last
thing she lets him say

for the rest of his life.

Sometime they get married
in a church or city hall,

or sometimes they just elope.

Elope?

What "elope"?

When the father
puts the ladder up,

and mother throws the
daughter out the window.

Sarge! Yellow Bird,
eloping is very romantic.

In the middle of the night,

the boy puts the ladder
up against the girl's window

and carries her down,

whisks her off into the night,

and they live
happily ever after.

Night, ladder, boy, girl.

Happy.

Wilton?

PARMENTER: Who's there?

Wilton.

Wil... Yellow Bird.

What...? Oh.

Me elope with you.

No, no, no, Yellow Bird.

It's, "I'll elope
with you." See?

It's... Wait, elope? E-e-elope?

Oh, now, Yellow
Bird, be reasonable.

No, I... I... I don't...

I don't want to elope with you.

I'm not allowed
to leave the post.

Yellow Bird, please, now, I...

No, there's nothing in
the manual about eloping.

No, please.

We've got to get back
to the fort, Yellow Bird.

Your father will be
very worried about you.

No go back.

You and me marry, then go back.

No, no, no, no.

If you marry me,
we'll go back, see?

The proper use of the
pronoun, remember?

What do you think we'll get
for the reward? Five thousand?

Agarn, must you think of
money at a time like this?

I mean, a reunion
between a loving parent

and his little curly-haired
daughter. Heh, heh.

I'd say more like 10,000.

I'll chip in a couple bucks
myself just to get rid of her.

Hey, would you
look at that fancy rig.

Uh, hey, make that 15,000.
Let's give him a big welcome.

Dobbs, do you know
any songs about Texas?

"The Swanee River."
Is that in Texas?

I don't know. Play it anyway.

The way you blow,
he'll never know.

Oh, sarge.

Whoa.

[PLAYS OFF-KEY]

Howdy, ladies and gentlemen.
Howdy-do to one and all.

Gideon D. Jeffries is the name.

Sergeant O'Rourke, sir.
That's Corporal Agarn,

Wrangler Jane and
that there is Dobbs.

A fellow Texan of yours.

I can't wait a minute longer.

Where is my ever-loving
little daughter?

My... My sweet precious Cynthia?

Sir, I have dispatched two men
from F Troop to escort her here.

I just happen to be the
man who was lucky enough

to rescue your child from
a savage Indian tribe, sir.

I was with him, sir.
Together. Two of us. Fifty-fifty.

Fifty-fifty? Corporal Agarn,

surely you couldn't
be thinking of a reward

for rescuing this gentleman's
only child from a hideous fate.

Well, I'm thinking
of a reward, all right.

I'm thinking of a
hundred thousand.

O'ROURKE: Oh,
now really, sir. That's...

Where is that girl?
Where is that girl?

Hey, sarge! What is it, Duffy?

Sergeant, the girl is missing.

She sure is missing.
I looked all over.

She is what? Now,
don't get excited, sir.

She's probably with
Captain Parmenter,

our commanding officer.

Captain Parmenter
is missing too, sir.

Wilton's missing?

I'll have your heads for this.

I'm gonna report this to
Washington. You'll all wind up...

Don't worry about a thing.
Dobbs, play assembly.

I mean, we'll send
out search parties.

[PLAYS OFF-KEY]

You marry me?

I'm not ready for
marriage, Yellow Bird.

The only girl I ever
go out with is Jane.

Jane?

[BUGLE PLAYS
DISTANTLY] There, you see?

My men have come for us and
your father's probably with them.

Now, put me down. No.

Yellow Bird, this foolishness
has gone far enough.

Now, put me down and
let's go meet your father.

All right.

A little tricky
there. That's it, sir.

Hey, sergeant.

Sergeant O'Rourke.

There she is. My little baby.

My Cynthia!

It's been such a long time
since your daddy has seen you.

Daddy?

Daddy!

Yes, I'm your daddy. Daddy.

Oh, Wilton, are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine, Jane.

Jane. Uh...

you'll... You'll
have to excuse me.

I don't have my robe.

Oh, you look no different

than you did when
you left us 15 years ago.

Well, what a happy reunion.
I am certainly glad, sir,

that I could bring you two
back together again. Yeah.

We brought you two
back together again. We.

Oh, yes. Yes. Oh,
this is the nicest day

I have ever had.

Oh, tomorrow...

Tomorrow's gonna be the
nicest day you ever had,

because that's when
I'm giving you two

a hundred thousand dollars.

Oh, sir, the bigness
of your diamonds

is exceeded only by
the bigness of your heart.

Think nothing of it, my boy.

Oh, I can't wait to see the
look on your dear mama's face.

Mama? Mama!

We're gonna take you
back to Texas tomorrow.

Me take Wilton Texas.

You're not taking him
anywhere. He's mine.

No, mine. No, mine.

Whoa!

The time has come for
me to show my gratitude.

Oh, you're too kind,
sir. You're too kind.

Here it is, a hundred
thousand dollars.

Yeah, well, that's a...
A share of stock, sir.

Oh, not one share, sir.

Thank you there. Thank
you very much. Ahem.

Ten shares.

Ten shares in my Silverado mine.

That's worth a hundred
thousand dollars?

I'm gonna let you boys
in on a million-dollar deal.

Confidentially, in 30 days,

I'm selling half
the Silverado mine.

Those ten shares will be worth
one hundred thousand dollars.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Thank you, sir. Thank you.

Thank you very much, sir.

It's the least I can do.

Now, all you have to do

is file your Texas transfer
fee and it's all yours.

Transfer fee?

Oh, it's nothing. Texas law.

One hundred dollars per share
comes to a measly thousand.

We've got to raise
a thousand dollars?

Just a technicality.

Kind of keep the
bookkeeping straight.

Of course, if you'd rather,

I could give you
a straight reward.

I do believe I have a little
chicken feed in my pocket here.

Chicken feed would be delicious.

Uh, for a hundred
thousand dollars,

I think we can wait for 30 days.

All right, men. We're
foreclosing on your IOUs.

Now, line up there.
Come on, fellas. Line it up.

Make it snappy. Here you go.

Dobbs, you owe $48.

Do I have to pay it all now?

Either that or we
repossess your bugle.

Vanderbilt, $73.

Do I get back my glasses?

The ones with the
solid gold frames?

Yeah, and we'll clean
the lenses for free.

Here you go. There's you IOU.

Duffy, you owe
$62. But, sarge...

Or we'll sell your autographed
picture of Jim Bowie.

Blackmail. That's
what it is, blackmail.

Duddleson. Bar charges:
Two dollars, beer.

Sandwiches, light
nibblings, $89.50.

I gotta cut down on the beer.

There you are.
Start counting, Agarn.

Ah, there you are,
Mr. Jeffries. The transfer fee.

Oh, and there's your trunk

with all your daughter's
new possessions.

My boy, you hold on to those
shares and you wait for my wire.

If you're ever down Houston
way, drop in to see us.

We got 32 bedrooms we ain't
using anymore in the house.

We might just do
that, sir. Ha, ha.

Me sorry see you go.

No. "I sorry to see you go."

Proper use of pronoun.

Well, goodbye and thank you.

And give my best to
Captain Parmenter.

We'll do that, Mr. Jeffries.
We certainly will. Here we go.

YELLOW BIRD:
Goodbye. There we are.

Bye-bye. All right, hey.

Jane, what do you
mean stealing her trunk?

What...?

Ah! Talk about stealing.

All right there. Set them
up. Free drinks for everybody.

That's the way we go.
Two beers right here, boy.

Agarn, in two days,
we're gonna be rich, huh?

Two days, 14 hours and 23
minutes, but who's counting?

Have you got the shares
and stock in a safe place?

Never without them.
Right there you are, right?

Sergeant, telegram. Just
came in from Houston.

There's our $100,000.

And two days early.

Read it for me, Wrangler. I
don't want to tire my eyes.

Here's a little chicken
feed for your trouble.

"Regret to inform you,

"Silverado mine in bankruptcy.

"Mine shaft flooded
by underground spring.

Signed, Gideon D. Jeffries."

Chicken feed? Chicken feed?

And in 30 days, we
will gonna be rich.

[IMITATING GIDEON]:
My boy, all you have to do

is just hold on to
that stock and wait.

I'm gonna let you in
on a million-dollar deal.

All you have to do is just
file your Texas transfer fee,

just a measly
thousand dollars...

All right, all right, Agarn.
You got your laugh.

[NORMAL VOICE]:
Drinks for everybody here...

Whoa! No! Service is closed.

[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

[♪♪♪]