F Troop (1965–1967): Season 2, Episode 4 - Reach for the Sky, Pardner - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Hold it.

[SCREECHING]

Go on. Shoot, Tombstone.

Right, Pecos.

[♪♪♪]

Put it a little closer there.

All right, you guys.
That's lunch break.

There'll be some more
lumber here this afternoon.

What a great idea, sarge.

The only saloon in the West
with a banquet room this big.



Yeah, well, you
gotta think big, Agarn.

We'll steal all that
convention business

from over at Dodge City.

I never thought of that, sarge.

We'll get the Cattle
Breeders Convention,

the Cattle Buyers Convention...
The Cattle Rustlers Convention!

Hey, look who's comin'.

You know, this is the first
time I ever saw old man Maguire

outside of his bank.

I seen him come out
of his bank yesterday.

Oh? Jack Taylor, the blacksmith,

was one day late on his loan...

He repossessed his apron.

Mr. Maguire.



Mr. Maguire, why don't you
give Jack Taylor back his apron?

Agarn, there's no place in the
banking business for sentiment.

Yeah, he's right.

He's probably on his way

over to the blacksmith's
shop right now

to repossess the
shoes off the horses.

O'Rourke, I wouldn't
concern myself too much

about the blacksmiths.

Let me remind you that
your note is due in 48 hours.

And you'd better
pay on time, sarge,

or he'll repossess your pants.

No, but I fully intend to
repossess your saloon.

Should be quite lucrative

now that you're
adding a banquet room.

Yeah, well, I wouldn't
worry about that if I were you,

because you're gonna have
your money tomorrow afternoon.

Good. I'll be in the
bank counting my money.

Mr. Maguire.

Yes?

This year, would you like

to play Santa Claus

at our fort Christmas party?

Christmas! Bah, humbug!

Now, there goes a
man who's all heart.

Sarge, maybe you shouldn't
have borrowed the money from him

to build the banquet room.

What was I gonna do?

I didn't have the cash.

Well, what makes you sure

you'll have the money to
pay off the note tomorrow?

Simple. Today is payday.

When I collect all the IOUs
those troopers owe me,

I'll have more than
enough to pay that note.

Sergeant O'Rourke.

Uh, Sergeant O'Rourke,
I've been looking for you.

Oh, I was on my way
over to the fort just now

to get the troop
ready for pay call.

That won't be necessary, men.

Didn't headquarters
send the money?

They did, yes, but
we just got word

that bandits held up the train
and escaped with the payroll.

Escaped? With the payroll, sir?

That's right. There's
a posse after them.

There's really no problem.

Headquarters said they'll
send twice as much next month.

[♪♪♪]

[WAILS]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Oh, don't just sit there.
Think of something.

I'm am thinkin', sarge.

But you can't get
blood out of a turnip.

I keep forgetting you've
got a turnip in your head

instead of a brain.

Now, that was a deep cut, sarge.

You shouldn't have said that.

I got feelings just
like everybody...

I'm sorry, buddy. I
shouldn't have said it.

After all, I haven't
come up with anything

very brilliant myself.

Sarge, I think I got
something. What is it?

Your note to McGuire
is due in two days

and you ain't got the
money to pay, right?

Right. The payroll won't get

to Fort Courage for
another month, right?

Right. Well...

Why don't you go
back to the bank,

get another loan, and
pay the first loan off?

What am I gonna use for
collateral this time, huh?

Do I have to think
of everything?

I'm gonna lose this saloon

just as sure as my
name is O'Rourke.

Don't give up, sarge. I'll
think of something else.

Wait a minute, that's it.

What's it? My name is O'Rourke.

My name is Agarn of Passaic,

and I'm glad to meet you.

No, no, no. Don't
you understand?

The banker's name
is Sean Maguire.

It's also Harry Heavy,

Marty Miser and Victor Villain.

Oh, don't you get
it? He's Irish like me.

And we Irish are very
sentimental people.

All I gotta do is go over there

and give him a couple
of sure and begorras,

and a little wearing
of the green,

and I'll have him
crying like a baby.

Yeah, well, if I was you, sarge,
I wouldn't mention green to him.

It's the same color as money.

Good thinking. I'll
tell you what we'll do.

We tell him a tale or two
about the Blarney Stone.

Two choruses of "When
Irish Eyes Are Smiling."

Aha!

Like takin' candy
from a baby. Whee!

Hey, Agarn. What?

Let's do this thing right.

Let's walk right into the bank

singin' a proper song.

[IRISH ACCENT] ♪ When
Irish eyes Are smilin' ♪

[IRISH ACCENT] ♪ Sure,
'tis like A mornin' spring ♪

[NORMAL VOICE] Hey,
you're more Irish than me.

BOTH [IRISH ACCENT]: ♪
In the lilt Of Irish laughter ♪

♪ You can hear The angels sing ♪

♪ When Irish hearts Are happy ♪

♪ All the world Is
bright and gay ♪

♪ Sure, when Irish eyes are... ♪

♪ Are smiling ♪

♪ Sure they steal... ♪

[♪♪♪]

MAGUIRE: Morning.

I'm awfully sorry I
couldn't make payment

on my home this month,

but I'll bring you the
money next month.

That won't be
necessary. What's that?

[SHOUTING] I said that won't
be necessary, Mrs. O'Brien.

O'BRIEN: But why don't you
want the money next month?

I'm foreclosing your
mortgage this afternoon.

Oh, my husband not
even cold in his grave.

Oh, Mrs. O'Brien.

Happy St. Patrick's Day to you.

Did you wanna see...?

Did you wanna talk
to me, O'Rourke?

[NORMAL VOICE] Oh, no,
no, just, uh... Just passing by.

If you hear anybody who
wants a half-acre farm

with a broken down shack on
it, cheap, let me know, will you?

[♪♪♪]

Sure and begorra, O'Rourke.

I think you fell flat on
your Blarney Stone.

Yeah, well, not yet I haven't.

I got another idea.

[NORMAL VOICE] What's that?

We'll go up to the Hekawi camp,

and I'll borrow the money
from my old pal Wild Eagle.

Forget it, pal.

But Wild Eagle, we're
your blood brothers.

Blood, yes. Money, no.

But what of all we've
been through together?

I remember the day we met.

It was right on this very spot.

The leaves of brown came
tumbling down, remember?

That September. In the rain.

Hekawis have wise
old Indian saying

about lending money.

Crazy Cat right,

we have wise old Indian saying

about lending money.

All right. What is it?
Tell him, Crazy Cat.

Thought you knew
wise old Indian saying

about lending money.

Paleface have
wise old saying too.

You don't lend
O'Rourke the money,

he loses his saloon.

And stops buying
whiskey from you,

and you walk around with
holes in your moccasins.

Hm.

Not a bad little saying.

Then you're gonna
lend me the money.

No. But Chief,

you know I'm gonna pay you back.

You trust me, don't you?

Me trust you as far as I
can throw Manhattan Island.

Now, Chief, that's
hitting below the belt.

We had nothing to do with that.

No use, O'Rourke,

you barking up the wrong bush.

No, no, Crazy,

that's barking up
the wrong tree.

See how bad I am
at wise old sayings?

Ah, well, never mind, Agarn.

I guess it's true

what the Apaches have
been sayin' behind his back.

What Apaches say behind my back?

Oh, nothing, except
that you're just

a cheap, miserly skinflint

who wouldn't give his
mother a piece of dried buffalo.

Apaches say Wild Eagle
a cheap, miserly skinflint

who wouldn't loan his
mother a piece of dried buffalo?

That's right.

Never knew Apaches

such good judge of character.

Just can't put one
over on him, sarge.

Yeah, well, there's somebody
I can put one over on.

You want me to request an
emergency payroll, sergeant?

That's right, sir.

Now, Paragraph 742 dash
B of the Cavalry Manual

clearly states that
in hardship cases,

emergency funds
can be requisitioned

from the, uh, pay... Paymaster.

To tell you the truth,

I wasn't aware of
any hardship cases

at Fort Courage.

Oh, sir, we're loaded
with hardship cases.

Oh, yes, sir.

Well, who, for example?

Well, now, there's, uh... Uh...

Vanderbilt.

Vanderbilt, sir. Yes, sir.

His poor old father down in
Missouri needs an operation.

Well, why hasn't Vanderbilt
been in to see me?

Oh, sir, he doesn't like
to bring his problems

to the old man, sir.

What old man?

Well, you're the old man, sir.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
I keep forgetting.

Vanderbilt!

Captain Parmenter, sir.

No, no, Over here,
Vanderbilt. Heh-heh.

[CLANGS] Oh!

Are you all right, sir?

I'm f... Fine, fine.

V-Vanderbilt, if your family

should ever have a problem, I...

I want you to feel
free to come to me.

As a matter of fact,
captain, I got a letter

from my poor old
father yesterday.

You see, just
like I told you, sir.

What seems to be the
problem, Vanderbilt?

Well, he says in the
letter that the last cow

on his little farm passed away.

Oh, that's bad.

VANDERBILT: No, that's good.

Because while he
was buryin' the cow,

he struck gold.

That's good.

That's bad.

Uh, Vanderbilt, when
you write to your father,

be sure to tell him
how delighted we all are

at his good fortune.

VANDERBILT: Thank you, sir.

Heh-heh. Huh?

There's one hardship
case cleared up, sergeant.

[♪♪♪]

Well, sir, maybe we
ought to tell you about...

the other hardship case.

Hm. Oh, who's that?

Eh, ooh. You tell him, sarge.

Oh, well, that's...
Uh, sir, is, uh...

[HOOTING] Uh, Dobbs.

That's who that is,
sir. It's Dobbs, yes.

Private Dobbs?

Well, I get all choked up

just thinking about it, sir.

Agarn, you better tell him.

Me?

Well...

Sir, Dobbs' widowed
mother back in Louisiana

needs money... for a mortgage.

Ohh.

Now, if he has problems,

why wouldn't he
come to the old man?

What old man?

I'm the old man.

I keep forgetting. [SQUEALS]

Uh, Dobbs!

Yes, sir?

What's this about your mother?

Oh, I just got a letter
from her yesterday.

She's had all kinds of trouble.

See what I mean, sir?

What...? What seems
to be the trouble, Dobbs?

Well, she's got this
little bitty cotton field

down by the river,
and the river overflowed

and washed her clean out.

That's bad.

No, that's good. When
the water drained,

her shack was
surrounded by alligators.

Oh, that's bad.

No, that's good.

A man from New York came down

and bought up all the alligators

for ladies' shoes and purses.

PARMENTER: That's good.

No, that's bad.

I wanted to tell you about
my mama's good fortune.

Everything's fine with Mama now.

Oh, good. When you
write to Mama Dobbs,

be sure to tell her how
happy we are for her.

Yes, sir.

[TOOTING]

Any more hardship
cases, sergeant?

Just one.

Hi, Wilton. Hi, Jane.

I got a wire for you from
Territory Headquarters.

There's a train leavin'
Dodge City tomorrow

with your payroll on it.

Sarge, you saved your saloon!

Huh? What's that?

I said, the train
arrives at noon.

With the captain's permission,
Corporal Agarn and I would like

to volunteer to ride
guard on that pay box.

Do you think that'll
be necessary, sarge?

If those bandits held
up the first pay train,

they're very apt
to try it again.

You may be right, sarge.
With your permission,

we'll arrange it
with the railroad

to disguise ourselves
as mail clerks, sir.

Good thinking,
sarge. Thank you, sir.

Oh, Wilton, I just love it

when you make
those quick decisions.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Duffy, is Captain
Parmenter in his office?

Yeah, he's in there,
Wrangler. Thanks.

Wilton! Oh!

Oh, Wilton, I'm sorry.
Are you all right?

I'm fine, Jane. I
just lost my balance.

Another telegram
just came in. Oh.

Those train bandits
are desperadoes

wanted in four states.

They're as dangerous
as the James Brothers.

That's quite a reward
they're offering.

Wilton, you never should
have let O'Rourke and Agarn

ride on that payroll train.

These men are killers.
You're right, Jane.

You're right, and I'd better
do something about it quick.

You gonna send out the troop?

No, I'm going to
help them myself.

Oh, Wilton, not you. Why not me?

Don't you think I'm
capable enough, huh?

[CRASHES]

Wilton, it's... It's
not that I don't think

you're capable enough.

It... It's just that... Well,
I think it's dangerous.

Janey, I am a cavalry officer.

Danger is my business.

Oh, Wilton, if anything
ever happened to you,

I'd just die. Don't
worry, Janey.

Nothing is going
to happen to me.

You will be careful
with those gunslingers?

I give you my word, Jane.

Wilton? Yes, Jane.

Your gun.

Well. Yeah...

You better check to
see that it's loaded.

Yeah, I know, Jane, I know.

[♪♪♪]

[STAMP POUNDING]

According to this
here timetable,

we ought to be getting to
Lakeside any minute now.

Hey, sarge, do you think
those bandits will really try

to get this payroll too?

If they get that pay box,

it will be over our dead bodies.

Our dead bodies?

We may have to shoot
it out with them, Agarn.

You shoot it out
with them, sarge.

I'd rather reach for
the sky than be there.

[♪♪♪]

What are you doing?

Oh, I promised
that old mail clerk

I'd sort letters for him.

He taught me how. Look,
sarge, he showed me.

Hey, that's real good.

Well, it's... It's
all in the wrist.

You gotta... keep it loose, see?

[♪♪♪]

[WHISTLING]

There. Lakeside.

Gotta pick up some mail here.

All right, Agarn. Here,
you take that one.

Thanks, boys.

[TRAIN HORN BLOWS]

Hey, sarge.

I finally got that letter
to stay in the pigeonhole.

Ah, good work, Agarn.
You'll make a mail clerk yet.

What time does the
train get to Gower Gulch?

About 3:30.

MAN: No, 4:15.

I said 3:30.

MAN: I say 4:15.

Agarn, I say...

Sarge, I ain't arguing with you.

MAN: The train
will arrive at 4:15.

All right, come on out of
there, whoever you are.

And be mighty careful.

Hi, fellas.

Captain Parmenter.

What are you doing
in that mail sack?

I didn't want those bandits
to see me boarding the train

in case they were
watching at Lakeside.

Oh, that's very clever,

but we can handle
this by ourselves, sir.

Oh, no, no.

I feel that as your
commanding officer,

I should be with my men
on such a dangerous mission.

Did you hear that, sarge?

[WEEPING] Our captain
wants to be with his men.

Come on, pull yourself
together, Agarn.

It's only right that
I should be here

once the word came through
that these bandits are killers

wanted in four states.

Homina, homina, homina.
Killers? Four states?

That's right. So I thought
I'd hide in this mail sack,

and if they get the drop on you,

then I'll pop out and
get the drop on them.

Hey, that's a real
good idea, sir.

I've got a better idea.

What's that?

Why don't I hide
in the other sack?

Agarn, come here.

I guess I'd better
get back in the sack.

Oh! Just a moment, sir.

Just in case of
postal inspections.

[♪♪♪]

[HORN BLOWING]

Here comes the train, Tombstone.

Right, Pecos.

You know what to do, Tombstone.

Yeah, Pecos.

I just hope they don't
give us any trouble.

Three more notches on my gun,

and I'm gonna have
to get a new one.

Let's go. Hyah! Hyah!

Hyah! Hyah!

[♪♪♪]

Hey, sarge, all this
mail is for F Troop.

Oh, really?

Captain Parmenter,
here's a letter for you.

Thank you, corporal.

Hey, anything
there for me, Agarn?

Don't know.

Reach for the sky, pardner.

Now, if you don't
try any tricks,

nobody's gonna get hurt.

Oh, gosh, no. No tricks.

No, not us. No sir.

We're just simple mail
clerks. Simple. Simple.

Good, 'cause my
name's Tombstone,

and I didn't get it

'cause of a lazy trigger finger.

Now, you just do everything
the gentlemen says, Agarn.

Now, they've got the drop on us.

Oh, gosh, yes, everything.

Here's the strongbox, Tombstone.

Pull it to the door.

You're pointing
that gun at my heart.

Oh, he's just
trying to scare us.

And what a swell job he's doing.

Cover 'em, Tombstone.

I'm going to the door,

and I'm gonna jump with the box.

You follow.

Right, Pecos.

All right, move over there.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Hold it.

It's no good. They're
too smart for us.

They know that there's money
in most of those envelopes.

I was about to go
through 'em anyway.

PECOS: Come on,
start opening them letters.

Oh, yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Stall, Agarn.

Hey, what are you doing?

Here's an interesting
letter, Mr. Tombstone.

Listen to this:

"Dear Juanita," I always heard

"that you Latins had hot blood,

"but never really
believed it until last night

"when you let me drive
you home in my buckboard.

"Sitting so close to
me under that full moon,

"my heart was pounding.

"And then when you

"put your lips up to my mouth...

"organ and played
'La Cucaracha, '

"I was in heaven.

"But Juanita, when I
kissed you good night,

"my lips were numb.

"I guess I should've told you

to take the rose
out of your teeth."

I really don't think
we should be reading

people's personal mail.

Keep readin'.

O'ROURKE: Do as the
gentlemen says. Yes, right, yes.

Hold it.

Well, it's just a bag of mail.

How do we know that's not

the letters with
the money in it?

Oh, those aren't the
letters with the money in it.

You, dump the
letters out of that sack.

You keep reading.

Let's see, where was I?

Oh, yes. Here we are.

Reach for the sky, partner.

He's got a gun, Pecos.

Good work, sergeant.

That was quick thinking of you,

handing me that
gun in the sack, sir.

As I said, gentlemen, we'll
be in Gower Gulch at 4:15.

We can turn them
over to the authorities.

And I think we'll get last
month's pay box back too.

Listen to this. This
is the juicy part:

"Tomorrow night, Juanita,

"I'll be in the cantina about 9.

"Maybe after you finish dancing,

I can take you home
again, and then we'll..."

[HOOTING]

[♪♪♪]

[IMITATES EXPLOSION]

[KNOCKING]

Come in.

Dobbs, what can I do for you?

Sir, I just want to
congratulate you

on capturing them
payroll bandits.

Oh, thank you, Dobbs.

It was very clever of
you, the way you did it, sir.

I never knew you
was that sneaky.

Well, actually I've got
quite a bag of tricks.

[CHUCKLES]

Mail bag, that is.

[LAUGHING]

Uh, sir, what's that
on your forehead?

What does it look like?
Well, looks like a postal stamp.

Second-class.

Oh, yeah, Corporal
Agarn put that on me.

Well, you're a captain, sir.

He should have
sent you first-class.

Right, I better get
something and wipe it off.

Oh, I think I can do it, sir.

Oh, do you wanna try?

Wilton, I just heard what a...

What a hero you were.

Yeah, all in a day's work, Jane.

What are you doing, Dobbs?

I'm rubbin' this postal stamp

off of his face.

There.

Did you get it all
off? Yes, sir, see?

You've got it in your hand.

So I have.

Here, you men are helpless.

There. Thank you, Jane.

Now, you've got it
on your hand, Jane.

Oh, well, I'll get it off later.

No, no, no. No,
no. I'll get it for you.

I'll get it.

There you see? All gone.

Uh, Captain, now
that the money's back,

don't you think we
ought to have payroll?

Oh!

I forgot all about it.

[LAUGHS]

[♪♪♪]

For the last time, Mrs. O'Brien,

get off that property.

Now, hold it, Maguire.

You stay out of this, O'Rourke,

it's none of your business.

Oh, yes, it is.

We got a little
settlin' up to do here.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Now, there's the money
I owe you for my loan.

And that is for Mrs.
O'Brien's property.

Oh, what's going on?

You've got your shack back.

[SQUEALS]

Bless you, sergeant.
Bless you, bless you.

Huh!

That's the way it
is with us Irishmen,

we're sentimental softies.

Sarge, that was
the reward money.

That's a sweet
thing to do, sarge.

[IRISH ACCENT] Aw, Agarn,
me boy, there'll be other bandits

and other rewards.

[LAUGHS]

[IN UNISON] ♪ When
Irish eyes are smiling ♪

♪ Sure, it's like
A mornin' spring ♪

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]