F Troop (1965–1967): Season 2, Episode 31 - Is This Fort Really Necessary? - full transcript
An officer known for closing down forts comes to Fort Courage to get married.
Sir. Sir.
There we go. There we go now.
Yes, yes, it's gonna be fine.
Ah... Are you all right, sir?
I'm fine, I'm fine.
I just scraped my bark a little.
Well, glad to hear that, sir.
When I saw the mighty oak fall,
I thought you'd
broken your acorn.
Thank you, corporal.
Sergeant, this has been an
excellent camouflage practice.
Yes, sir.
Everything is
going real good, sir.
Knock on wood. Come in.
Oh, it's you, corporal. Yes.
Uh, we just have to do
something about Vanderbilt, sir.
He keeps watering the other men.
Look out!
Message for you, captain.
Thank you, Dobbs.
Say, Dobbs, why all
that rolling around?
I'm a tumbleweed, sir.
May I, sir?
Oh, yes. Thank you. Thank you.
Uh...
Well, looks like we're
going to have a wedding.
Oh?
Yes, an officer who
formerly served here
is returning to be married.
What officer, sir?
Uh, Major Terence McConnell.
Terrible Terry?
Do you know him, sergeant?
Oh, yes, sir. We
were NCOs together.
We were offered a
commission in the field.
He took it, and I
stayed with the men.
Bless you, sarge.
Last I heard, he was
on the deactivation board
in charge of closing
down unnecessary forts.
What? Do you suppose that's
his real purpose in coming here?
Well, I don't know.
Could have an eye to
closing Fort Courage.
Wedding could just be a cover.
Hey, sarge.
Can we fall out now?
My leaves are beginning to wilt.
All right, troop dismissed.
Oh, say, trooper,
you're dismissed.
Sir... I... I said
you're dismissed.
Sir, uh... Trooper.
Trooper, I said
you're dismissed.
What...? Why, that's
rank insubordination.
No, sir, that's a real bush.
Not one of us?
Not one of us, sir. No, sir.
Oh.
Well, in that case, at ease.
Whoa!
Timber!
How long have you
had that cough, captain?
It's nothing,
corporal, it's nothing.
How's the cleanup going?
Oh, everyone busy as a
bee for the good of the fort.
Buzz, buzz, buzz.
Captain, you really ought to
do something for that cough.
Now, my mother used
to mix honey and vinegar.
Oh, really?
My mother used to
use lemon and licorice.
Lemon and licorice?
Yes, and it worked.
Corporal, corp... No,
no. It's your sweeping.
You're not sweeping
according to Army regulations.
Here. Here, let
me show you. See?
Sweep, two, three, four.
Sweep, two, three, four. See?
You were sweeping like this.
Like that. See?
Uh, Major McConnell?
Oh...
You really ought to do
something about that cough, major.
Now, Agarn's mother always used
a mixture of honey and vinegar?
Yes, in equal parts.
Hey, Terry, baby.
How are ya? Good to see ya.
I might have known you'd
still be here, O'Rourke.
Well... Still a sergeant, I see.
I figured you had enough
ambition for both of us, Terry.
I would prefer to be
addressed as Major McConnell.
Yes, sir.
Would you show me
to my quarters, captain?
Uh, right this way, sir.
Oh, I oughta lay one on him...
Take it easy, sarge.
We don't watch our step,
the major could turn Fort
Courage into a ghost town.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
And O'Rourke Enterprises
right along with it.
Sweep, two, three.
Sweep, two, three.
Stage is gonna
be a little late, sir.
It's inefficient,
like everything
around this fort.
Never could stand to wait
for anything, could you?
Oh, excuse me, sir,
uh, Major McConnell.
I never did have
your irresponsible
outlook on life.
By the way, captain, I
have not yet selected a ring.
Is there a jeweler in town?
Oh, I have a friend who
may have some rings.
Would you check into
it while we're waiting?
Yes, sir.
Hi, Jane. Howdy, Wilton.
Would you help
me with my corset?
Jane.
I mean, the dress board.
Oh.
Uh...
I-I just came in to
see about a ring.
What kind of ring?
A wedding ring.
A wedding?
Oh, Wilton, when did you decide?
Just a few minutes ago.
Well, weren't you even
gonna ask me first?
I just did.
Well, then, the answer's
yes. No, no, Jane.
Jane, if you're thinking
what I'm thinking you're
thinking, don't think it.
Well, what do you
mean? Well, I-I...
The wedding ring isn't for
you, it... It's for another girl.
Well, who is she?
Well, I don't know, I
haven't met her yet.
Well, what'd you do?
Send for a mail-order bride?!
Ow! Oh... Janey,
you don't understand.
She's coming to
marry Major McConnell.
Oh! Oh, Wilton, I forgive you.
Captain... Oh,
pardon me, ladies.
Captain, sir, the
stage is coming.
All right. Here.
Now we'll get a
look at the bride.
Hello, Terence.
Welcome to Fort Courage, Emily.
Let me help you with that.
Thank you.
They were made
for each other, sarge.
Hey!
Morgan.
Well, Peggy. Uh...
Well, I should have
known it would be you.
But, Morgan, I had no
idea that you were still here.
Mwah.
Hello, dearest.
Oh, I missed you.
You can put her
down now, O'Rourke.
Oh! Uh, yes, sir.
Gentlemen, this is my
fiancée, Miss Peggy Gray.
And her cousin,
Miss Emily Barker.
Sergeant O'Rourke,
Corporal Agarn.
Oh, I just adore
a man in uniform.
This is just like
old times, Morgan.
You and me and Terence.
It's not quite like
old times, Peggy.
You and I are
going to be married.
O'Rourke is no
longer in the running,
that is if he ever was.
Oh, uh, yes, sir.
Uh, if you'll excuse me, sir,
I'll attend to the
ladies' luggage.
How was your trip, dearest?
I asked you how your trip was.
Mm?
Oh, it was bumpy, Terence.
Kinda shook me up.
Oh, uh, excuse me, sir,
has, uh, Major McConnell
said anything about the fort?
He's said many
things about the fort,
none of them any good.
Meanwhile, he's
probably sneaking around,
spying on everything.
Well, that's why I'm
straightening up my desk,
so that he can see
how orderly and efficient
we all are at Fort Courage.
Maybe the sarge
can put in a good word
for us with the bride-to-be?
Forget about it.
She used to play the
piano at the saloon.
We were just good friends.
Nothing more than that.
Major McConnell always
had the inside track...
Oh! Uh... Ten-hut!
Are you usually this
disorganized, captain?
Oh, no, sir. I was just...
There some duties you
could be attending, corporal?
Well, sir, as a
matter of fact...
And as for you, shouldn't
you be drilling the men?
Oh, Terry, is this all you're
going to do all day long?
Talk shop?
But, my dear, as an officer...
But what about me? I'm bored.
And no one's even offered
to show Emily and me
around the fort.
Oh. I'm terribly sorry. May I?
No, captain.
You and I have to
go over your records,
that is if you keep any
records around here.
Well, then O'Rourke can take us.
Sergeant O'Rourke is
supposed to be drilling the men.
Oh, please, Terry.
He can drill the men later.
Oh, all right.
Anyway, after what I've
seen of the men here,
drilling won't help.
Oh, well, yes, ladies.
May I... May I show you...?
This... Right. Yes.
Have a good look
at the fort, ladies,
while you still have a chance.
What'd he mean by that?
Never mind,
corporal. Never mind.
Just... Just act unconcerned.
The way I'm doing.
And that's the, uh,
stable, right there.
There I was at the Alamo,
shoulder to shoulder
and backs to the wall.
Hello.
Howdy, ma'am. Ma'am.
Uh, wouldn't one of you men
like to show me around the fort?
I just remembered. I
have to tune up my bugle.
Oh, uh, what about you, trooper?
I'm on guardhouse duty, ma'am.
Have to see that
nobody breaks out.
Oh, I, uh...
I understood there were
no prisoners at the fort.
Then I have to see
nobody breaks in.
Oh.
Are...? Are you busy too?
Why, no, ma'am.
I'd be pleased to show a
pretty gal like you around.
Now, right over
here... is the well!
Can't miss it.
Oh.
Wild Eagle, did you
get that champagne
we ordered for the wedding?
Here. Oh...
Hey, that looks
like the real stuff.
Where'd you get it?
Left over from French
and Indian War.
Well, then this must
be over 100 years old.
Shh!
If you not tell anyone,
they think it fresh.
They'd better be good.
We don't want nothing to
go wrong with this wedding.
Any slip-ups and McConnell
could close Fort Courage.
That's your problem.
That'll be the end of
O'Rourke Enterprises.
That's still your problem.
Your cut of the profits.
That's our problem.
Think that over, huh?
Hey, come on.
Must show major him need fort
for protection against
hostile Hekawis.
Chief, I know, we
could kidnap ladies.
We could get in trouble.
We could attack fort.
We could get hurt.
We could start buffalo stampede.
We could get killed!
All right, you chief,
you think of something.
We kidnap ladies.
Yoo-hoo, corporal!
Oh!
Where did...?
Corporal.
Aw... You caught
me, Miss Barker.
I just adore a man who
plays games, corporal.
Well, we'll play again
same time tomorrow. Bye.
But I have something for you.
You mean, I won a prize?
Oh, you darling boy.
Now, give this to
Sergeant O'Rourke.
Shh.
"Meet me at 8:00 tonight
at the saloon. Peggy."
Well, what are you
gonna do, sarge?
Well, I can't meet her.
If Major McConnell
finds out about that,
it's the end of me, it's
the end of Fort Courage.
Well, then, don't meet her.
On the other hand, if I don't
meet her, she might get mad
and tell the major,
and then it's really the
end of Fort Courage.
Well, then, meet
her. Then... Agarn.
Meet her, don't meet her. Why
don't you make up your mind?
All right then,
sarge, I'll meet her.
It has nothing to do with you.
I'm sorry, sarge. I...
I guess I just got carried away.
As long as I'm trapped, I
guess I might as well meet her.
Sarge.
The men of F Troop will
never forget you for this.
And if you get caught...
If you get caught...
What if I get caught?
I'll start packing.
Wait a minute, not so fast.
You have got to make sure that
cousin Emily is out of the way.
Me? Make sure that cousin
Emily is out of the way?
The men of F Troop will
never forget you for this.
Peggy, uh...
you and I shouldn't
be here together.
It's all right, Morgan.
Terence is going over some
papers with your captain.
So just relax.
And enjoy it.
Don't be so nervous.
Nervous?
Who's nervous? I'm not nervous.
I know just how you feel.
I'm all goosebumps myself.
Well, no wonder,
it's cold in here.
I always say, warm
hands, cold... Coffee?
Morgan... Uh, Peg, a...
A drink to your wedding.
I never thought I
would see you again.
And then suddenly,
there you were,
and all the memories
came rushing back.
I got the strangest feeling.
It felt like...
Indigestion. Probably
something I ate.
Corporal, you're so... Dizzy.
I keep going around in circles.
Oh, look, I know I came
here to marry Terence,
and I love him.
But seeing you again...
Well, I just don't
know. Well, I do.
What do you say we just
call it an evening, huh?
Well, better still,
let's just call it a day.
Oh.
Bye, Morgan.
Come along, Emily.
It's time we get
back to the hotel.
Oh...
Well, I... Goodbye,
corporal. I'm going now.
Aw, do you have to?
Oh, you.
Peggy, don't ever leave me
alone with that man again.
He just won't keep
his hands off of me.
Time for hostile-savage
kidnapping?
Time for hostile-savage
kidnapping.
But remember, be nice about it.
Hey, sarge. What?
Smoke signals. What's it say?
Oh, yeah, message
from the Hekawis.
"Have captured, uh,
major's girl and friend.
"Come rescue.
Save fort."
Huh?
They've captured
Emily and Peggy.
Well, Peggy I can
understand, but Emily?
Wait a minute, don't
you understand?
They're trying to help us.
If we rescue them,
Major McConnell will think that
Fort Courage is necessary, huh?
Good old Hekawis.
Come on, let's go
tell Major McConnell.
Captain Parmenter,
I think the time has come
for me to be frank with you.
You must realize by now
that the wedding was
not my only reason
for returning to Fort Courage.
Yes, I... I know, major.
Now that you've
seen our records,
you're going to
close down the fort.
Close down the fort?
Now, whatever
gave you that idea?
My official purpose in coming
here was to report on you.
Who, me? Oh, uh...
Yes, Washington finds
it very hard to believe
that you've been handling
the Indian situation
as smoothly as
your reports indicate.
I came out to double-check.
However, I have seen no
evidence of trouble with the Hekawis.
Well, naturally, major,
my policy of containment
has kept everything contained.
I'll say this for
you, Parmenter.
You run an untidy fort.
And you're a rotten sweeper.
But you have kept the peace.
I shall give you a good report.
Oh, thank you, major.
Now, we have...
Listen, we had the
major figured all wrong.
Well, now we don't
have to worry about
the fort being deactivated.
Just the captain. Yeah.
Tell you, we gotta
get those women back
before anybody finds
out they're missing.
But the wedding...
The wedding
starts in a half-hour.
I'll go up to the Hekawi camp,
and you get Dobbs and Duffy
and some of the other men
and try to stall the wedding.
All right? But how?!
I don't know.
Just use your deceitful,
conniving, tricky, little mind.
Sarge? What?
You left out sneaky.
Ah, thanks, Smokey.
O'Rourke, are we
glad you're here.
Oh, boy, are we glad you here.
You come to take
ladies back and save fort?
No, I came to
take the ladies back
and save the captain's neck.
Come on, Peg. Morgan.
I've made up my mind.
I'm not going to marry
Terence McConnell.
You...
I'm ready, captain.
You may call the others.
You're the first
guests to arrive.
I was just going
to go get the bride.
Yes, sir, but you haven't
rehearsed the men
in the crossed-swords ceremony.
Crossed-swords ceremony?
Well, yes, sir.
That's when the bride and groom
walk under the crossed swords.
The men are waiting
for you, captain.
Well, I guess I'd better.
After all, we want this wedding
to come off without a hitch.
You get the humor there,
huh? Wedding? Hitching?
Oh, yes, sir, yes, sir.
Without a hitch. Yes, sir.
Well, what's holding things up?
Sorry, major, there'll
be a slight delay.
What for?
Well, sir, you haven't had
your bachelor dinner.
It's traditional or
else it's bad luck.
There's no time for dinner.
How 'bout a bachelor sandwich?
No, no sandwich.
Slice of melon or
banana, something filling?
Corporal,
will you please
call the others?!
Wait a minute, sir.
Uh, it's also bad if
you're not wearing
something old, something new...
Good thinking,
Dobbs. I like that.
Let's get on with the wedding.
As soon as they
finish icing the cake.
And how long will that be?
Not long, after they
put it in the oven.
Dobbs, and gently, gently,
we don't want the cake to fall.
Right, corporal.
Uh, Peg, you can't be serious
about not marrying Terry.
I mean, he's in
love with you. You...
Look, we've been
through all this before.
You know I'm not the right
kind of a guy for you. I mean...
I just gotta be free, you
know. No ties, no strings.
But how can you be that certain?
Oh, uh. Well, it's easy.
Um... I mean, if
you're a guy like me.
Now, once more, men,
I'll be Major McConnell
coming through
with his bride, right?
Something funny's going on here.
You've been
stalling this wedding.
I'm gonna find my bride.
And what happened to you?
Oh, I got nicked by a sword.
Next time, try a
razor. Out of my way.
Terry, I'm sorry I'm late.
But I was dreaming
and overslept.
Fortunately, I
woke up just in time.
Well, what do you
say we get married?
The preacher's
waiting at the church.
Everything's been taken care of.
Oh, uh, here are your flowers.
And your ring, major. Ah...
♪ Dum, dum, da-da ♪
♪ Da, dum, da-da ♪
♪ Da, dum, da-da Da, da-da... ♪
Parmenter...
The men with the swords are
supposed to be at the church.
Sarge. Sarge.
Yeah, what? What?
Where's the captain?
Well, he's around
here someplace,
camouflaged as a tree.
I know that, but where?
Well, I... Sarge. What's
the matter? What?
Look!
Vanderbilt, what are you doing?
Cutting firewood. I didn't
leave a tree standing.
Oh, captain, my captain...
Agarn, don't panic
now! Don't panic.
Well, at least, he'll...
He'll burn like a trooper.
And we'll sit with him in
the winter, warm our hands.
Then I'll get up
and throw another piece
of the captain in the fire.
Agarn! What is he talking about?
It's termites, sir. They've
attacked his roots.
When springtime
comes around, I'll...
I'll stack his logs in the
woodshed in a dry place.
Captain, sir! Oh, captain. Oh...
There we go. There we go now.
Yes, yes, it's gonna be fine.
Ah... Are you all right, sir?
I'm fine, I'm fine.
I just scraped my bark a little.
Well, glad to hear that, sir.
When I saw the mighty oak fall,
I thought you'd
broken your acorn.
Thank you, corporal.
Sergeant, this has been an
excellent camouflage practice.
Yes, sir.
Everything is
going real good, sir.
Knock on wood. Come in.
Oh, it's you, corporal. Yes.
Uh, we just have to do
something about Vanderbilt, sir.
He keeps watering the other men.
Look out!
Message for you, captain.
Thank you, Dobbs.
Say, Dobbs, why all
that rolling around?
I'm a tumbleweed, sir.
May I, sir?
Oh, yes. Thank you. Thank you.
Uh...
Well, looks like we're
going to have a wedding.
Oh?
Yes, an officer who
formerly served here
is returning to be married.
What officer, sir?
Uh, Major Terence McConnell.
Terrible Terry?
Do you know him, sergeant?
Oh, yes, sir. We
were NCOs together.
We were offered a
commission in the field.
He took it, and I
stayed with the men.
Bless you, sarge.
Last I heard, he was
on the deactivation board
in charge of closing
down unnecessary forts.
What? Do you suppose that's
his real purpose in coming here?
Well, I don't know.
Could have an eye to
closing Fort Courage.
Wedding could just be a cover.
Hey, sarge.
Can we fall out now?
My leaves are beginning to wilt.
All right, troop dismissed.
Oh, say, trooper,
you're dismissed.
Sir... I... I said
you're dismissed.
Sir, uh... Trooper.
Trooper, I said
you're dismissed.
What...? Why, that's
rank insubordination.
No, sir, that's a real bush.
Not one of us?
Not one of us, sir. No, sir.
Oh.
Well, in that case, at ease.
Whoa!
Timber!
How long have you
had that cough, captain?
It's nothing,
corporal, it's nothing.
How's the cleanup going?
Oh, everyone busy as a
bee for the good of the fort.
Buzz, buzz, buzz.
Captain, you really ought to
do something for that cough.
Now, my mother used
to mix honey and vinegar.
Oh, really?
My mother used to
use lemon and licorice.
Lemon and licorice?
Yes, and it worked.
Corporal, corp... No,
no. It's your sweeping.
You're not sweeping
according to Army regulations.
Here. Here, let
me show you. See?
Sweep, two, three, four.
Sweep, two, three, four. See?
You were sweeping like this.
Like that. See?
Uh, Major McConnell?
Oh...
You really ought to do
something about that cough, major.
Now, Agarn's mother always used
a mixture of honey and vinegar?
Yes, in equal parts.
Hey, Terry, baby.
How are ya? Good to see ya.
I might have known you'd
still be here, O'Rourke.
Well... Still a sergeant, I see.
I figured you had enough
ambition for both of us, Terry.
I would prefer to be
addressed as Major McConnell.
Yes, sir.
Would you show me
to my quarters, captain?
Uh, right this way, sir.
Oh, I oughta lay one on him...
Take it easy, sarge.
We don't watch our step,
the major could turn Fort
Courage into a ghost town.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
And O'Rourke Enterprises
right along with it.
Sweep, two, three.
Sweep, two, three.
Stage is gonna
be a little late, sir.
It's inefficient,
like everything
around this fort.
Never could stand to wait
for anything, could you?
Oh, excuse me, sir,
uh, Major McConnell.
I never did have
your irresponsible
outlook on life.
By the way, captain, I
have not yet selected a ring.
Is there a jeweler in town?
Oh, I have a friend who
may have some rings.
Would you check into
it while we're waiting?
Yes, sir.
Hi, Jane. Howdy, Wilton.
Would you help
me with my corset?
Jane.
I mean, the dress board.
Oh.
Uh...
I-I just came in to
see about a ring.
What kind of ring?
A wedding ring.
A wedding?
Oh, Wilton, when did you decide?
Just a few minutes ago.
Well, weren't you even
gonna ask me first?
I just did.
Well, then, the answer's
yes. No, no, Jane.
Jane, if you're thinking
what I'm thinking you're
thinking, don't think it.
Well, what do you
mean? Well, I-I...
The wedding ring isn't for
you, it... It's for another girl.
Well, who is she?
Well, I don't know, I
haven't met her yet.
Well, what'd you do?
Send for a mail-order bride?!
Ow! Oh... Janey,
you don't understand.
She's coming to
marry Major McConnell.
Oh! Oh, Wilton, I forgive you.
Captain... Oh,
pardon me, ladies.
Captain, sir, the
stage is coming.
All right. Here.
Now we'll get a
look at the bride.
Hello, Terence.
Welcome to Fort Courage, Emily.
Let me help you with that.
Thank you.
They were made
for each other, sarge.
Hey!
Morgan.
Well, Peggy. Uh...
Well, I should have
known it would be you.
But, Morgan, I had no
idea that you were still here.
Mwah.
Hello, dearest.
Oh, I missed you.
You can put her
down now, O'Rourke.
Oh! Uh, yes, sir.
Gentlemen, this is my
fiancée, Miss Peggy Gray.
And her cousin,
Miss Emily Barker.
Sergeant O'Rourke,
Corporal Agarn.
Oh, I just adore
a man in uniform.
This is just like
old times, Morgan.
You and me and Terence.
It's not quite like
old times, Peggy.
You and I are
going to be married.
O'Rourke is no
longer in the running,
that is if he ever was.
Oh, uh, yes, sir.
Uh, if you'll excuse me, sir,
I'll attend to the
ladies' luggage.
How was your trip, dearest?
I asked you how your trip was.
Mm?
Oh, it was bumpy, Terence.
Kinda shook me up.
Oh, uh, excuse me, sir,
has, uh, Major McConnell
said anything about the fort?
He's said many
things about the fort,
none of them any good.
Meanwhile, he's
probably sneaking around,
spying on everything.
Well, that's why I'm
straightening up my desk,
so that he can see
how orderly and efficient
we all are at Fort Courage.
Maybe the sarge
can put in a good word
for us with the bride-to-be?
Forget about it.
She used to play the
piano at the saloon.
We were just good friends.
Nothing more than that.
Major McConnell always
had the inside track...
Oh! Uh... Ten-hut!
Are you usually this
disorganized, captain?
Oh, no, sir. I was just...
There some duties you
could be attending, corporal?
Well, sir, as a
matter of fact...
And as for you, shouldn't
you be drilling the men?
Oh, Terry, is this all you're
going to do all day long?
Talk shop?
But, my dear, as an officer...
But what about me? I'm bored.
And no one's even offered
to show Emily and me
around the fort.
Oh. I'm terribly sorry. May I?
No, captain.
You and I have to
go over your records,
that is if you keep any
records around here.
Well, then O'Rourke can take us.
Sergeant O'Rourke is
supposed to be drilling the men.
Oh, please, Terry.
He can drill the men later.
Oh, all right.
Anyway, after what I've
seen of the men here,
drilling won't help.
Oh, well, yes, ladies.
May I... May I show you...?
This... Right. Yes.
Have a good look
at the fort, ladies,
while you still have a chance.
What'd he mean by that?
Never mind,
corporal. Never mind.
Just... Just act unconcerned.
The way I'm doing.
And that's the, uh,
stable, right there.
There I was at the Alamo,
shoulder to shoulder
and backs to the wall.
Hello.
Howdy, ma'am. Ma'am.
Uh, wouldn't one of you men
like to show me around the fort?
I just remembered. I
have to tune up my bugle.
Oh, uh, what about you, trooper?
I'm on guardhouse duty, ma'am.
Have to see that
nobody breaks out.
Oh, I, uh...
I understood there were
no prisoners at the fort.
Then I have to see
nobody breaks in.
Oh.
Are...? Are you busy too?
Why, no, ma'am.
I'd be pleased to show a
pretty gal like you around.
Now, right over
here... is the well!
Can't miss it.
Oh.
Wild Eagle, did you
get that champagne
we ordered for the wedding?
Here. Oh...
Hey, that looks
like the real stuff.
Where'd you get it?
Left over from French
and Indian War.
Well, then this must
be over 100 years old.
Shh!
If you not tell anyone,
they think it fresh.
They'd better be good.
We don't want nothing to
go wrong with this wedding.
Any slip-ups and McConnell
could close Fort Courage.
That's your problem.
That'll be the end of
O'Rourke Enterprises.
That's still your problem.
Your cut of the profits.
That's our problem.
Think that over, huh?
Hey, come on.
Must show major him need fort
for protection against
hostile Hekawis.
Chief, I know, we
could kidnap ladies.
We could get in trouble.
We could attack fort.
We could get hurt.
We could start buffalo stampede.
We could get killed!
All right, you chief,
you think of something.
We kidnap ladies.
Yoo-hoo, corporal!
Oh!
Where did...?
Corporal.
Aw... You caught
me, Miss Barker.
I just adore a man who
plays games, corporal.
Well, we'll play again
same time tomorrow. Bye.
But I have something for you.
You mean, I won a prize?
Oh, you darling boy.
Now, give this to
Sergeant O'Rourke.
Shh.
"Meet me at 8:00 tonight
at the saloon. Peggy."
Well, what are you
gonna do, sarge?
Well, I can't meet her.
If Major McConnell
finds out about that,
it's the end of me, it's
the end of Fort Courage.
Well, then, don't meet her.
On the other hand, if I don't
meet her, she might get mad
and tell the major,
and then it's really the
end of Fort Courage.
Well, then, meet
her. Then... Agarn.
Meet her, don't meet her. Why
don't you make up your mind?
All right then,
sarge, I'll meet her.
It has nothing to do with you.
I'm sorry, sarge. I...
I guess I just got carried away.
As long as I'm trapped, I
guess I might as well meet her.
Sarge.
The men of F Troop will
never forget you for this.
And if you get caught...
If you get caught...
What if I get caught?
I'll start packing.
Wait a minute, not so fast.
You have got to make sure that
cousin Emily is out of the way.
Me? Make sure that cousin
Emily is out of the way?
The men of F Troop will
never forget you for this.
Peggy, uh...
you and I shouldn't
be here together.
It's all right, Morgan.
Terence is going over some
papers with your captain.
So just relax.
And enjoy it.
Don't be so nervous.
Nervous?
Who's nervous? I'm not nervous.
I know just how you feel.
I'm all goosebumps myself.
Well, no wonder,
it's cold in here.
I always say, warm
hands, cold... Coffee?
Morgan... Uh, Peg, a...
A drink to your wedding.
I never thought I
would see you again.
And then suddenly,
there you were,
and all the memories
came rushing back.
I got the strangest feeling.
It felt like...
Indigestion. Probably
something I ate.
Corporal, you're so... Dizzy.
I keep going around in circles.
Oh, look, I know I came
here to marry Terence,
and I love him.
But seeing you again...
Well, I just don't
know. Well, I do.
What do you say we just
call it an evening, huh?
Well, better still,
let's just call it a day.
Oh.
Bye, Morgan.
Come along, Emily.
It's time we get
back to the hotel.
Oh...
Well, I... Goodbye,
corporal. I'm going now.
Aw, do you have to?
Oh, you.
Peggy, don't ever leave me
alone with that man again.
He just won't keep
his hands off of me.
Time for hostile-savage
kidnapping?
Time for hostile-savage
kidnapping.
But remember, be nice about it.
Hey, sarge. What?
Smoke signals. What's it say?
Oh, yeah, message
from the Hekawis.
"Have captured, uh,
major's girl and friend.
"Come rescue.
Save fort."
Huh?
They've captured
Emily and Peggy.
Well, Peggy I can
understand, but Emily?
Wait a minute, don't
you understand?
They're trying to help us.
If we rescue them,
Major McConnell will think that
Fort Courage is necessary, huh?
Good old Hekawis.
Come on, let's go
tell Major McConnell.
Captain Parmenter,
I think the time has come
for me to be frank with you.
You must realize by now
that the wedding was
not my only reason
for returning to Fort Courage.
Yes, I... I know, major.
Now that you've
seen our records,
you're going to
close down the fort.
Close down the fort?
Now, whatever
gave you that idea?
My official purpose in coming
here was to report on you.
Who, me? Oh, uh...
Yes, Washington finds
it very hard to believe
that you've been handling
the Indian situation
as smoothly as
your reports indicate.
I came out to double-check.
However, I have seen no
evidence of trouble with the Hekawis.
Well, naturally, major,
my policy of containment
has kept everything contained.
I'll say this for
you, Parmenter.
You run an untidy fort.
And you're a rotten sweeper.
But you have kept the peace.
I shall give you a good report.
Oh, thank you, major.
Now, we have...
Listen, we had the
major figured all wrong.
Well, now we don't
have to worry about
the fort being deactivated.
Just the captain. Yeah.
Tell you, we gotta
get those women back
before anybody finds
out they're missing.
But the wedding...
The wedding
starts in a half-hour.
I'll go up to the Hekawi camp,
and you get Dobbs and Duffy
and some of the other men
and try to stall the wedding.
All right? But how?!
I don't know.
Just use your deceitful,
conniving, tricky, little mind.
Sarge? What?
You left out sneaky.
Ah, thanks, Smokey.
O'Rourke, are we
glad you're here.
Oh, boy, are we glad you here.
You come to take
ladies back and save fort?
No, I came to
take the ladies back
and save the captain's neck.
Come on, Peg. Morgan.
I've made up my mind.
I'm not going to marry
Terence McConnell.
You...
I'm ready, captain.
You may call the others.
You're the first
guests to arrive.
I was just going
to go get the bride.
Yes, sir, but you haven't
rehearsed the men
in the crossed-swords ceremony.
Crossed-swords ceremony?
Well, yes, sir.
That's when the bride and groom
walk under the crossed swords.
The men are waiting
for you, captain.
Well, I guess I'd better.
After all, we want this wedding
to come off without a hitch.
You get the humor there,
huh? Wedding? Hitching?
Oh, yes, sir, yes, sir.
Without a hitch. Yes, sir.
Well, what's holding things up?
Sorry, major, there'll
be a slight delay.
What for?
Well, sir, you haven't had
your bachelor dinner.
It's traditional or
else it's bad luck.
There's no time for dinner.
How 'bout a bachelor sandwich?
No, no sandwich.
Slice of melon or
banana, something filling?
Corporal,
will you please
call the others?!
Wait a minute, sir.
Uh, it's also bad if
you're not wearing
something old, something new...
Good thinking,
Dobbs. I like that.
Let's get on with the wedding.
As soon as they
finish icing the cake.
And how long will that be?
Not long, after they
put it in the oven.
Dobbs, and gently, gently,
we don't want the cake to fall.
Right, corporal.
Uh, Peg, you can't be serious
about not marrying Terry.
I mean, he's in
love with you. You...
Look, we've been
through all this before.
You know I'm not the right
kind of a guy for you. I mean...
I just gotta be free, you
know. No ties, no strings.
But how can you be that certain?
Oh, uh. Well, it's easy.
Um... I mean, if
you're a guy like me.
Now, once more, men,
I'll be Major McConnell
coming through
with his bride, right?
Something funny's going on here.
You've been
stalling this wedding.
I'm gonna find my bride.
And what happened to you?
Oh, I got nicked by a sword.
Next time, try a
razor. Out of my way.
Terry, I'm sorry I'm late.
But I was dreaming
and overslept.
Fortunately, I
woke up just in time.
Well, what do you
say we get married?
The preacher's
waiting at the church.
Everything's been taken care of.
Oh, uh, here are your flowers.
And your ring, major. Ah...
♪ Dum, dum, da-da ♪
♪ Da, dum, da-da ♪
♪ Da, dum, da-da Da, da-da... ♪
Parmenter...
The men with the swords are
supposed to be at the church.
Sarge. Sarge.
Yeah, what? What?
Where's the captain?
Well, he's around
here someplace,
camouflaged as a tree.
I know that, but where?
Well, I... Sarge. What's
the matter? What?
Look!
Vanderbilt, what are you doing?
Cutting firewood. I didn't
leave a tree standing.
Oh, captain, my captain...
Agarn, don't panic
now! Don't panic.
Well, at least, he'll...
He'll burn like a trooper.
And we'll sit with him in
the winter, warm our hands.
Then I'll get up
and throw another piece
of the captain in the fire.
Agarn! What is he talking about?
It's termites, sir. They've
attacked his roots.
When springtime
comes around, I'll...
I'll stack his logs in the
woodshed in a dry place.
Captain, sir! Oh, captain. Oh...