F Troop (1965–1967): Season 2, Episode 30 - Our Brave in F Troop - full transcript

Ready, aim... Wait!

Now what's the matter?

First, must recite
ancient ritual chant.

Not need ancient chant

with modern tooth pulling.

Recite!

Me shoot tooth into air

It fall to earth Me
not know where

Ready, aim... Oh.
A miracle happen.

Tooth not hurt anymore. Ha-ha.

Some miracle.



Wild Eagle lose nerve.

Better than losing whole jaw.

Come on, wake up there, Smokey.

There you go. Thanks.

Hey, Wild Eagle. Good morning.

Either that's the
Indian love call,

or you do a great
impersonation of a coyote.

Don't you mind about that.

We're here on
business this morning.

O'Rourke Enterprises has not
had a delivery from the Hekawis

in three days.

That because Hekawis not
have sleep for three nights.

Have you tried counting buffalo?

Me have plenty toothache.



Maybe if you rubbed some
whiskey on your gums.

Already rub in
whole pint whiskey.

Me happy warrior, but
me still have toothache.

Too bad you're not in F Troop.

Our regimental dentist is
coming through tomorrow.

Works with laughing gas. Yeah.

Laughing gas?

Him Indian fellow?

No, no, it's a new painless

method of pulling teeth.

Mm. Me think me
enlist in paleface Army.

Wait a minute, Wild Eagle.

Well, after tooth fixed,
goodbye, Army, hello, Hekawis.

You know what you're saying?
You'd have to have a uniform,

you'd have to get by the
captain, fool the dentist.

Yeah, it's too risky. No,
we couldn't take a chance.

If they caught us, we'd
get court-martialed.

O'Rourke not come
through for Wild Eagle,

Hekawis not come through
for O'Rourke Enterprises.

What say O'Rourke?

Ten-hut!

What that mean?
Straighten up, soldier.

You're in the Army now.

All right, now listen.

Just keep your mouth shut,

and try not to be noticed.

Be careful. The
captain's a shrewd one.

He doesn't miss a thing.

All right.

Ho!

Ten-hut! Captain!

Captain, sir.

F Troop all present
and accounted for, sir.

Thank you, sergeant. Thank you.

At ease, men.

Men... I have just
received some orders.

General Sam Courage

will be arriving here tomorrow.

Well, surely you've
heard of General Courage.

Courage? It rings a bell.

Now, don't tell me.

Our fort is named after him.

Fort Courage. Of course, sir.

I knew it would come
to me sooner or later.

He's making a tour
of Army installations

before he retires
from the service.

And for sentimental reasons,
we are his last stopover.

Yeah, we'll make him
proud of his namesake.

Good. Good.

Ye... Oh. And one more
announcement, men.

The Army dentist is here
on his semi-annual visit.

You know his motto:

"See your soldiers
twice a year."

All right, pull out.

Hurry up.

Come on.

Oh, uh, sergeant.

Yes, sir. Take Wild
Eagle out of here.

Sergeant, who...
Who was that trooper?

- Trooper?
- The one with Agarn.

Corporal Agarn, sir? Uh...

Yeah, he looked
so familiar to me.

Corporal Agarn should
look familiar to you.

N-no, not Corporal
Agarn, sergeant.

N-never mind. What I wanted
to tell you is that Dobbs and I

are riding out to
meet the general

so we can escort him in.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. You'll
be in charge of the fort.

I'll take care of
everything, sir.

Yeah. Don't do
anything I wouldn't do.

Uh...

I wish that tooth puller
would yank faster.

Look, the captain's away.

We got a real break.

Now, relax, will you?

I'll relax when we can
give him back to the Indians.

Indian giver.

Did it hurt, Duffy?

Not a bit.

All right.

Now, get Wild Eagle in there.

I'll watch everything out here.

Good morning, gentlemen.

I'm Lieutenant Goodbody.

Now, which one of
you is my next patient?

Hurry it up, will you, doc?

Oh, I always work fast.

I even finished my four-year
dental course in seven months.

Sit down, trooper.

Now... if you'll
remove your hat...

Oh. He always wears his
hat in the dentist's chair.

Oh. Superstitious?

No, he's a religious fanatic.

Well... Army haircuts

have certainly changed
since I was a recruit.

Well... he's a musician,
sir. He plays the drums.

Open, please.

Ah. Now, this won't hurt a bit.

Not a bit. Now, I'm
gonna use laughing gas.

It'll take a few minutes
before the gas takes effect.

I'll be right back.

Psst. Agarn.

I just got a message
from Wrangler Jane

that General Courage
is in town now.

There must've been a
mix-up in the captain's orders.

Well, I'd better hightail it
down there and meet him.

Supposing the captain
comes back here?

You can't leave me
alone here with him.

All right, we'll both go

and bring him with us. Go.

Right.

Come on, chief, we can't
keep the general waiting.

Laughing gas work fine.

Me not feel tooth out.

I don't know what's
happened to this man's Army.

In my day, they would
have had a regiment

to meet a visiting general.

But they didn't expect
you to arrive until tomorrow.

A good officer always
expects the unexpected.

Oh, here they come.

General, Sergeant
Morgan O'Rourke, sir.

Corporal Agarn, sir.

How. How?

Uh, that's his name,
sir. Private Howe.

He volunteered to
carry your baggage.

Volunteered, eh? He
must be new around here.

Here before white man.

White man?

What he means is he enlisted

before Private Whiteman, sir.

Howe. I'll remember that name.

A good officer always
remembers names.

Where's your commanding officer?

Eh, uh, what's-his-name?

Wilton Parmenter.

He rode out to meet you, sir.
You must have missed each other.

I didn't miss him. He missed me.

Oh, yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Well, I guess I'll be
seeing you later, fellas.

You too, general.

Ah. If I was only
six ranks younger.

Well, shall we
proceed to quarters?

General's baggage.

Yes, sir. Well, it must
be, uh, very gratifying, sir,

to retire after such a
long and glorious career.

Yes, I'm proud to say that
in my 40 years of service,

I've never had a
blemish on my record.

How does the general feel

about a spot on his uniform?

Now there's a man
who uses his head.

Huh. Yes.

It may be his head,
but it's my jacket.

Uh, what was his
name again, sergeant?

Uh, Private Howe, sir.

Private Howe...

I came up through
the ranks myself.

I believe in
promotions in the field.

I like your initiative.

I promote you to corporal.

That's funny. We should
have met the general by now.

Captain, do you
suppose we're lost?

Oh, no. Of course not, Dobbs.

We've been heading north
ever since we left the fort.

That's the third time we passed
that elephant-shaped rock.

There's a very simple
explanation for that, Dobbs.

What is it, sir?

We're lost.

Hey. Blanket have "Us" on it.

Well, what about it?!

Not want us in blanket, just me.

That's is "U.S." United
States, you knucklehead.

Oh.

Uh, tooth hurt.

Me lie down.

You can't sleep on the floor.

Oh, Agarn right. Floor too hard.

Corporal Howe sleep
on ground outside.

Sleep on the floor.

Corporal Howe.

It took me six years
to make corporal.

And Wild Eagle makes
it in less than an hour.

Oh, simmer down, will you?

Be calm. Not important.

Well, if memory serves me right,

this must be the
non-com quarters.

Oh.

What's that debris
doing on the floor?

That's Howe. Who?

Uh, not who, sir.
Howe. Corporal Howe.

What's wrong? Couldn't
Captain What's-His-Name

issue him a cot?

Well, of course. But
he sleeps on the floor

to toughen himself up.

Right. He's adapting himself

to combat conditions.

We couldn't let him sleep
on the ground outside.

I like a man who
sleeps on the floor.

It firms up the muscles
and strengthens the body.

I used to always
sleep on the floor.

Yeah. Help me up,
will you, sergeant?

Oh. Yes, sir.

Oh, oh.

And when Corporal Howe wakes up,

tell him I've promoted
him to sergeant.

Ten years it took me
to get those stripes.

And he makes
sergeant in one night.

In his sleep.

Simmer down,
sarge. Calm yourself.

It really ain't that important.

Agarn, shut up.

You mean me still acting chief?

Wild Eagle not have
tooth pulled yet?

Well, there's
been a little delay.

Keep up good work.

Don't worry, he'll be back soon.

Huh. Too bad. When
Wild Eagle away...

Crazy Cat play.

Well, don't get your hopes up.

He's in the dispensary right
now having that tooth fixed.

Well, is it all over, Agarn?

Oh, it's all over.

Good. Now, we can get
rid of Sergeant Howe...

We're already rid of him.
Huh? Good. What happened?

Now, he's Lieutenant Howe.

Eh... What do you mean?

What... I told you to watch him.

I watched. I watched
the whole thing.

Well, what happened?

They fired the cannon
to honor the general.

Don't tell me.
The tower fell over.

It would have fallen
right on the general,

only Wild Eagle pushed him away.

Uh-huh. And then the
general commissioned him.

Wouldn't you?

Listen, Wild
Eagle... Lieutenant.

Sarge, he's right.
Somebody might overhear.

Will you stop all that nonsense

and just go get
your tooth pulled?

A good officer learn
to live with pain.

But not with a pain in the neck.

Now, you better get out of here.

Why you not salute?

We should salute you?

That order!

Ten-hut!

Next time you not
salute lieutenant,

lieutenant have your stripes.

Let me see now.

The sun rises in the east,

and it sets in the west.

It's afternoon, since the sun

is traveling to our right.

Then south is
directly in front of us.

Very good, sir. In which
direction do we head?

We'll try all four.

Good thinking, sir.

You know, I keep thinking
about that strange-looking trooper

I saw with Sergeant O'Rourke

and Corporal Agarn
before we left the fort.

Which strange-looking trooper
is that, sir? We have so many.

Just wish I could remember
where I've seen him before.

Heh. High cheekbones,
swarthy complexion,

dark eyes...

Dobbs, I've got it. You
know which way the fort is?

I know why that
trooper looks so familiar.

It was Chief Wild Eagle.

Chief Wild Eagle in F
Troop? Huh. Couldn't be, sir.

We better check it out.
Let's get back to the fort.

Yes, sir. Uh... which way, sir?

Oh, that's right,
we're lost, aren't we?

Well... I just
remembered something.

These horses are
specially trained

to find their way
back to the fort.

They have the instincts
of homing pigeons.

Then all we gotta do is
start them off and follow.

Yeah.

Show us the way, fellas.

Hyah! Hyah!

Not so fast! Not so fast!

Wait!

Attention!

Men... I've called you together

so we could have
this little powwow.

Powwow. That's an
Indian word, you know.

We know.

Yes. Well, I wanna discuss

the subject of the Hekawis.

Good subject.

Now... here we
are at Fort Courage.

And here are the Hekawis.

The question is,

can we expect any
trouble from them?

How much trouble
can a circle give you?

Stupid corporal.

Well, the Hekawis haven't shown

any signs of
hostility lately, sir.

Chief Wild Eagle
big peace lover.

Yes, but Wild Eagle
won't be chief forever.

Bite tongue. What
was that, lieutenant?

Uh, he said he
bit his tongue, sir.

Continue, general.

That brings us to
our second question.

How can we
discourage the Hekawis

from ever going on the warpath?

Ah, well, that's a
real puzzler, sir.

You never know what
a Hekawi will do next.

Any suggestion
from you, lieutenant?

Money.

Money? What's that got to do...?

Oh, I see what you mean. Yes.

The government should
set the Hekawis up

in business for themselves.

For themselves, sir?

Give them a feeling
of independence.

Let them sell their own
blankets and trinkets.

But, sir... Don't
interrupt, sergeant.

The lieutenant
has a brilliant idea.

I'm gonna submit
it to Washington.

We'll call it, uh...
Hekawi Enterprises?

Good. I like it.

Don't you think we should
wait for our commanding officer?

Captain What's-His-Name is
no longer commanding officer.

I'm promoting
Lieutenant Howe to major

and putting him in charge

of the Hekawi Enterprises.

I know the captain would
want you to have... this.

"To Mother, from Fort Courage."

Oh, Wilton. Why did they have to

do this to you? Ah!

Chokes you up,
eh, sarge? Poor kid.

Poor kid? Poor us.

What do you think is gonna
happen to O'Rourke Enterprises

if those Hekawis go in
business for themselves?

What are we gonna do, sarge?

I'll think of something.

Where is Wild Eagle right now?

At the dispensary.

Eh. I got it.

Hold this officer's
manual. Come on.

Now, please, don't
go away, major.

As soon as the
laughing gas takes effect,

I'll be back to
do the extraction.

Hey, Wild Eagle.
We gotta talk to you.

Yeah. Here.

You're leaving the Army.

Wild Eagle not leave.
Wild Eagle like being major.

Same as being chief.
And get Army pension too.

I guess you don't
know the qualifications

that go with the office.

He ain't read

from the Army
manual, has he, sarge?

Hadn't heard
about the test, huh?

Must be plenty funny test.

Listen to this. "Article 73 ..."

"Heading W.
Sub-heading small H."

And small H's
are the worst kind.

Anybody who's just
been made major

has gotta earn the
respect of his men

and going through
the qualification test.

Why you laugh?

Wild Eagle must earn respect.

Must prove worthy.

Because that Army way.

You mean you're willing

to take the qualifications test?

Take it now.

Let's go.

All set, sarge.

General's got
everyone out on a hike.

All right now, we're all set

for the qualification
test for major.

Wild Eagle ready.

All right. Now, you
see that pile of logs?

You take them up to
the top of the tower.

Easy.

And then you, uh... You
bring 'em back down again.

One at a time.

Still easy.

All right. There you go.

How deep is well?

Oh, not very deep.
Just to the bottom.

Yeah.

Me do it. Me do it.

All right, yes. Well, now...

the, uh, next, uh...

The next test is that you
crawl on your stomach

from here to the
captain's quarters

and, uh, push this
cannonball with your nose.

Up.

Oh. Too bad.

You didn't quite reach

the captain's headquarters.

Yeah, but as long as this
is the final qualification,

I guess we could say
he passed the test.

Me major. Me... Me finish test?

No, no. This is just
the first part of the test.

There are four more
parts you have to pass.

Me too pooped to pass.

Oh, that's a shame.

Well... you gave it a
good try, Wild Eagle.

I guess you'll just have
to go back to the Hekawis.

Me go. Better red
man than dead man.

Sarge. How are
we gonna explain it?

Major Howe just can't disappear.

Well, he could always
say he went A-W-O-L.

Uh. Not get good conduct medal.

Uh, believe me...

Believe me, Wild
Eagle, it's better this way.

Sure. It's more fun being
an Indian chief than a soldier.

That's what
Sitting Bull tells me.

Let's see now.

The sun rises to the
east, it sets in the west.

And since the sun is
traveling on our left...

then north is
right in front of us.

Come on, men.

Now, how could a
whole troop get lost?

Well... that's the
last of Major Howe.

And just in time.

We're safe now.

All we gotta do is get
rid of the evidence. Okay?

Traitors! Murderers!

Murderers, sir?

Oh, we haven't
killed anyone, sir.

What about the evidence?

I can explain everything, sir.

Major Howe all gone.

Traitors! Murderers!

Don't just stand
there, sarge. Explain it!

You can do your
explaining to a firing squad.

Firing squad? Oh,
sir, I puncture so easily.

Oh, well, general...

All right, we... We confess.

To having murdered
that splendid officer?

Oh, no, sir. That Hekawi
Indian you see standing there

is that splendid officer.

Meet the major. How.

I don't believe it.

Well, look.

Ah. Why...

See? Major Howe.

Me in Army again?

Good heavens.

Yeah, you see, we slipped him in

to have him treated
by the Army dentist.

Yeah. Now I don't have
to face the firing squad.

You'll face life
imprisonment at hard labor.

How dare you foist
an imposter major

off on the United
States Army? Mm.

Well, when he
came into the Army...

uh, he was a
private, not a major.

That's right. We may be the ones

who got Wild Eagle in the Army,

but you were the
one who promoted him

up through the ranks, sir.

If you turn us in, it would
expose yourself, sir,

which would be a shame. I mean,

when you're so
ready to retire, hm?

After such a long
and glorious career.

They might even change
the name of Fort Courage.

No. N... How you
like Fort Wild Eagle?

No! No. Oh, no.

Goodbye, Army.
Hello, Crazy Cat...

and ancient ritual tooth pull.

Oh, I am ruined.

I'll never be able
to write my book.

General, maybe we could keep

this little secret just
among ourselves.

You see, our plan was
to let him go A-W-O-L.

I-I've got a better plan. Oh?

I'll have him transferred
to a desk in Washington.

Good. Then he'll never
be heard from again.

At last: civilization.

Sergeant O'Rourke. Sergeant.

I w... O'ROURKE: Hey!

Hey, captain. Here. Here now.

Captain, sir. Captain, sir,

we've been worried
about you, sir.

I've been worried about me too.

Well, you're safe now, sir.

Yes. O'Rourke, Agarn,
listen to me, listen to me.

Chief Wild Eagle
is in the troop.

He's plotting to
take over the fort.

Chief Wild Eagle, sir?

Why, sure, you...
You must be joshing.

Oh. Why don't you
sit in the shade, sir?

The sun is a little hot.

Right there, sir.
That's it. That's it.

That's right. Here we go, sir.

There you go.
That's right. Ha-ha.

Oh.

Oh, yes. Heh.

Oh. Oh, that feels good, Agarn.

What's going on
here? Who is this man?

That's our
commanding officer, sir.

Captain What's-His-Name.

Oh, Parmenter.
Where have you been?

I went out to meet
you, sir, and I got lost.

Well, I don't understand

how an officer could get lost.

The whole troop
maybe. But not an officer.

General. I've got to warn you.

An Indian has
snuck into the troop.

Oh, you've been out in
the sun too long, captain.

Better sit down.

I am sitting down.

Well, then stand up.

Are you seriously suggesting
that I, General Sam Courage,

would let an Indian
infiltrate this troop?

Why, that's preposterous, sir.

Ridiculous. Yeah.

Why, I could spot an
Indian the minute I seen one.

You could, sir? Well, how?
By his high cheekbones?

No. I know some
low-cheekboned ones.

Then how can you tell, sir?

By his teeth.

Now, there is an Indian.