F Troop (1965–1967): Season 2, Episode 3 - Bye, Bye, Balloon - full transcript
Fort Courage is visited by a Prussian balloonist.
Wilton, I got a letter for you.
It's marked "special,
rush, urgent."
Mm. I wonder if it's important?
See you later, Wilton.
Yeah.
Oh, good morning, sir.
Good morning, sir.
Good morning, I just
got this letter marked
"special, rush, urgent."
I wonder if it's important?
Hey. Any problem, sir?
Oh, no, sergeant.
Quite the contrary.
Colonel Heindrich Von Zeppel,
Prussian balloonist, is arriving
today on the noon stage.
Wait, wait.
"Under orders to
consider the activation
of a balloon corps
with F Troop as its personnel."
So that's what they've
been saving us for.
Couldn't have made
a better choice, sir.
The stage should
be along any minute.
I'll go inside and
see if it's on time.
Sarge, how come
you're so happy to see
this Prussian
birdman coming here?
I look at the
positive side of things
that's why I'm a sergeant
and you're a corporal.
Oh. I always thought it
was because you were taller.
No, see it all now, when
you're in the balloon corps
you just do nothing
but float through the air.
No more shoeing horses.
No more cleaning tag.
You mean, no
more infantry drills?
Right.
No more camping
out? Right again.
And how much marching
can you do in a balloon?
Agarn, I don't know why
people say you're so dumb.
Of course, there's
O'Rourke Enterprises.
Well, how does that fit in?
Once we learn how
to work this balloon
we borrow it from time to
time and hurry up our deliveries.
And we can even sell rides
to the folks here in town.
Now do you wanna
be in the balloon corps?
It's the only way to fly.
Who says I'm dumb?
Here she comes.
[♪♪♪]
[CHUCKLES]
Well, he doesn't seem
to be in the coach, sir.
He must be.
Oh, he's probably waiting inside
for one of us to
greet him officially.
There's nobody inside, sir.
Well, maybe he missed the stage.
Well, I don't understand it.
If an officer of Colonel
Von Zeppel's reputation
says that he's arriving
on the noon stage
then he should be
arriving on the noon stage.
[CRASH]
I told you.
[SPEAKS IN GERMAN]
Don't stand there just. Somebody
help me from here down.
[♪♪♪]
Are your hands clean, sergeant?
Sure.
Be careful with mein Schnitzel.
There we go. Be
careful with him, Agarn.
Uh, just, uh, step
right down this way.
Ah, all right, coming.
That's it.
Ah. Here we are.
Colonel Heindrich Von
Zeppel reporting for duty.
Oh. Captain Wilton
Parmenter, F Troop,
and this is Sergeant
O'Rourke and Corporal Agarn.
Oh, and this is Miss
Jane Angelica Thrift.
I am charmed.
[SPEAKS IN GERMAN]
Und this is Schnitzel.
Hi there, fellow.
Have a nice flight?
You'll have to excuse him. He
does not understand English.
Do you have any
baggage with you, colonel?
It is coming by wagon train
with the balloon equipment.
[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
Until we meet again.
Und now, so we go
to headquarters, ja?
Ja.
Und I would like
to review the troops
that will take part
in operation Luft.
You mean a full-dress review?
Ja.
According to you
army regulation,
362 dash 4198
subheading small D,
visiting officers
of command rank
will have a dress
review in their honor.
Really? I didn't know
that. Sergeant O'Rourke?
Yes, sir.
Please arrange a full
dress welcoming review
in honor of our
distinguished guest.
Yes, sir. Army regulations
362 dash 4198, sir.
Subheading... Small D, I know.
Now, colonel, is there
anything else I can do for you?
Ja, can you lend
me your begleiter?
My...
Oh, darn it. I just sent
that out to the cleaners.
Nein, nein, nein.
A begleiter is a military
attendant, an orderly.
We Prussian officers
have a begleiter.
The British officers
have a batman.
You Americans, you
do not have a batman?
Well, not yet, but I'm
sure we will someday.
We're a very progressive nation.
Well, no matter. I
make do without one.
No, no, no, I wouldn't
think of it, colonel.
You just take your pick of an
orderly from among my men.
Parmenter, if you are
going to be in my command,
let me advise you:
toughen up those ankles.
Hard luck and trouble.
I'm telling you, I can
see it coming right now.
One day in the balloon corps
and already a full-dress review.
I don't call this
floating through the air
like a feather in the breeze.
Just a formality.
Once we get in training,
it'll be just like I said.
Yeah? Well, I wish
I could be as sure
as you are about Attila the Hun.
Now, trust in me. Have I
ever given you a bum steer?
Yes. All right.
But I can't lose them all, huh?
Hey, what is that you're
putting on the boots?
I ran out of bootblack so I'm
using what I put on my hair.
Hair oil on boots?
No. Bacon grease.
Why, no wonder you
smell like breakfast.
Chin in, chest out.
Chin in, chest out.
Chin in, chest out.
Straighten that hat.
Where was I? Chest out.
Chest out!
Ten-hut.
Get away from me,
boy. You're bothering me.
You're missing a
button from the tunic.
No, colonel. It ain't missing.
I got it right here
in my pocket.
Are you making jokes at me?
Congratulations, corporal.
Schnitzel likes you.
And I like Schnitzel.
Parmenter, I think I have found
mein begleiter.
Und you will iron mein
shirt und polish mein helmet.
Und take mein
Schnitzel for a walk.
Those are the duties.
Yes, sir.
Dummkopf. How
did I tell you to say it?
Jawohl, mein Herr! Again.
Jawohl, mein Herr!
Again. Jawohl, mein Herr!
Ach to Himmel, he's
got it. I think he's got it.
Jawohl, mein Herr!
Your men are completely
out of control, captain.
There is no organization.
No discipline.
Well, colonel,
they do their best.
It is not enough.
In Prussia, things
are different.
If I order my men to march
off a cliff, they march off a cliff.
Isn't that a little
hard on the men?
It's harder on me.
I have to keep training new men.
Right, corporal?
Jawohl, mein Herr!
Now that I'm here,
things will be different.
We will have order.
We will have discipline.
We will have attention.
[GERMAN ACCENT] Because that
is the way we do things in Prussia.
What are you talking
about Prussia...?
Silence!
Every morning at 5:00 before
breakfast, we will have a drill.
Und at 7:00 before breakfast
we will march 10 miles.
Excuse me for asking, colonel,
but when do we eat breakfast?
At lunch.
Colonel, my men
aren't use to such...
That's tough hasenpfeffer.
They will have to
shape up or ship out.
Right, corporal?
Jawohl, mein Herr!
Good, you are dismissed.
Go back to quarters und
continue transcribing my memoirs.
Oh, colonel, I couldn't
help wondering about
that scar on your cheek.
Did you get that in battle?
In a way.
I get it in a duel when I was
a student at the university.
It is my mark of honor.
Mein "schmiss."
Well, whoever did it
didn't "schmiss" by much.
Actually, a young
lady was involved.
Oh, did you beat her?
Captain, what are you doing?
Well, what's the matter, Dobbs?
Haven't you ever seen
an officer shave before?
Agarn, what's gotten into you?
[GERMAN ACCENT] Something
is troubling you, my feldwebel?
Feldwebel?
Feldwebel. That's
Prussian for sergeant.
You see what I mean?
Don't you think you've gotten
into this thing a bit too much?
Because it is the right
way. It is the military way.
And above all, it is the
blue-blooded Prussian way.
Agarn, what has
happened to your loyalty?
[NORMAL VOICE] You
know, sarge, you're right.
I guess I got carried away.
Forgetting my
years in the service.
My birthright.
My national heritage.
Oh, sarge, I'm sorry.
Now, well, now there, there.
[GERMAN ACCENT]
Get your hands off!
Agarn, you knucklehead,
will you stop it?
I will not be
talked to that way.
O'Rourke, you have
maybe relatives in Prussia?
So, gentlemen,
the time has come
for me to reveal
to you my true purpose here.
In the Civil War,
balloonists flew over the lines
to observe the
enemy movements, ja?
Please be careful. Don't hurt
the balloon, you clumsy ox.
Sorry. So
I approach your chief
of staff in Washington
with my new theory, ja?
It is that we can now
fly over the territory
where the treacherous
Hekawi Indians are holed up.
[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
Oh, it's, uh, to observe them.
Not just observe, gentlemen.
F Troop will attack the
Hekawis from the air.
And if it works,
it is westward ho.
Und tomorrow, the Apaches.
You and your easy
life in the balloon corps.
Yeah, well, if you hadn't been
so busy jawohl-ing mein Herr
you might have realized
what he was up to.
Sarge, I don't wanna
go up in a balloon
and attack the Hekawi.
They're not treacherous.
They're our friends.
And besides, they
might attack back.
Could also having effect
on O'Rourke Enterprises,
like wiping us out.
What are we gonna do about it?
We'll do the only
honorable thing.
What's that?
Reveal our plans to the enemy.
What you mean you want
Hekawis to move away?
We only want you to move
because we're your friends.
With friend like you,
Hekawi no need enemy.
No need no joke, either.
I guess we'll have
to tell you the rest.
F Troop is gonna attack you.
What about no-fight
clause in treaty?
Wait a minute,
it's not our idea.
We don't wanna
go on the warpath.
And me no want to go on warpath.
War paint makes skin break out.
It's this new colonel.
He wants us to attack
the Hekawis from a balloon.
What is "balloon"?
Well, there's this big cloth
bag and you blow it up.
Me think Agarn speak
with fuzzy tongue.
You think not. Me, the
chief. Me think for Hekawis.
Me think Agarn speak
with fuzzy tongue.
We're telling you the truth.
There's this big cloth bag
and you blow it up with hot air.
And underneath
there's this basket
and you ride in the basket.
There is wise old Indian saying:
"He who plant crop of rhubarb
will lose moccasins
in light of full moon."
I'll go along with that.
You'll go along with anything.
Please listen, will you just
move the Hekawis away?
If not, you going
to fight us from air
in basket with big
bag over head?
That's about the size of it.
Once we have brave
who say he fly in air.
He show feathers on arms
and he jump off mountain.
He fly real good.
But he land real bad.
Chief, I'm telling you,
if you don't move
the Hekawi away
we're gonna have to go
up in the balloon and...
Sarge, I can't say it.
Agarn, you take
good dose of spirits
of yucca root, balloon go away.
If balloon no go
away, happy landing.
Gentlemen, we drink to
our first flight tomorrow, ja?
We balloonists have a toast.
Eat, drink und be merry
for tomorrow we may be kaput.
Ah, the beer here is good.
Yeah, we like it.
But not so good as
the beer of Prussia.
Mmm. And the food here is good.
It's delicious.
Yeah, but it's not sauerbraten.
Howdy, mind if I join you?
Mmm.
And the women
here are wunderbar.
Why, thank you, colonel.
But not so wunderbar as
the women back in Prussia.
Oh, come now, colonel.
Women are the same everywhere.
Nein, nein, nein.
In Prussia, the women
dress like women.
Not like the Fräulein here.
Well, I'll go along with
you on the food and drink.
But we kind of like
Jane the way she is.
Thank you, Wilton.
You are casting an aspersion
on mein taste in femininity?
No, no, I didn't cast
anything like that.
Now, Wilton, don't go getting
in a fight on my account.
In Prussia, we always get
into fights on women's accounts.
Well, then you should be glad
we're here and not in Prussia.
You have insulted mein country.
No, no, look. I'll
leave it to you.
Now, did I insult
the colonel...?
I never duel a man in a
country where I am a guest.
But in your exception,
I will make a case.
A duel?
Do you accept? Well,
of course he accepts.
The honorable name
of Parmenter is at stake.
He can always change his name.
Borrow your glove,
sir. No, it will never fit.
No, no, you're supposed to
slap him across the face with it.
I'm supposed to... To
accept the challenge.
That's what I hate about
dueling. All that face-slapping.
Sorry.
I hope you duel better
than you challenge.
Corporal, you will
be mein second.
And I will be yours, sir.
Two grown men fighting a
duel. I'm ashamed of you.
And I'm warning you, Wilton,
if you go get yourself killed
don't come crying to me.
[♪♪♪]
Ah.
Well, what your
choice of weapons is?
How are you at arm-wrestling?
What'll it be, captain?
Pistols or sabers?
Uh, sabers. Pistols
would wake up the men.
Yeah, you're all heart.
Uh, I'll take the
right-handed one.
Corporal.
Gentlemen.
[SPEAKS IN GERMAN]
[SPEAKS IN GERMAN]
Now count out 20 paces,
and face each other.
Two, three...
[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
Agarn, we gotta keep them apart.
We can't take a chance
on the captain getting kaput.
Nineteen, twenty.
Ready, set, go.
Ha.
Well, either we have
to get closer together
or get longer swords.
Twenty paces for
pistols is, dummkopf.
What's the matter with you?
You take care of Schnitzel.
I be my own second.
En garde.
Aah!
Oh, ow!
Wait, wait.
Wow, how did you do that?
Well, the important
thing is to keep
the front leg
extended so that...
We'd better give the
captain some more help.
Colonel, hey, look up there.
There? What, what?
I don't see anything.
Now, captain. I don't
see anything either.
[MUTTERING IN GERMAN]
Look.
You don't fool the colonel
a second time with that.
Look.
Agarn.
Schnitzel.
Chief, me have riddle for you.
What has big round shape,
carries man and dog, and flies?
Me give up. What
has big round shape,
carries man and dog, and flies?
Me not know
either but there it is.
It is balloon.
No such thing as balloon.
That's what you tell
O'Rourke and Agarn.
Must be evil spirit.
Well, not just stand there.
Sound evil spirit alarm.
[CHANTING, SHOUTING
INDISTINCTLY]
Chief, you really
believe in evil spirits?
Nah, but what do they know?
Und so, gentlemen, it is
time for me to say goodbye.
Not goodbye, colonel,
auf Wiedersehen
Glad they settled their
differences like gentlemen,
in a poker game.
Yeah? I still say
the colonel cheated.
I don't see how three
kaisers can beat a royal flush.
All right, let's give
him a hand here, men.
Are your hands clean, Parmenter?
Yeah.
All right, be careful
with mein Schnitzel.
There we go.
All right.
Now that I know that the
Hekawi Indians can fight back
I must return to
Prussia und develop
a puncture-proof balloon.
Don't worry, I shall
return. All right.
Victory under calm blue.
We'll go off.
Oh, captain, don't
you think we ought
to give him a farewell salute?
Oh, yes. Give the signal.
[CRASH]
[♪♪♪]
It's marked "special,
rush, urgent."
Mm. I wonder if it's important?
See you later, Wilton.
Yeah.
Oh, good morning, sir.
Good morning, sir.
Good morning, I just
got this letter marked
"special, rush, urgent."
I wonder if it's important?
Hey. Any problem, sir?
Oh, no, sergeant.
Quite the contrary.
Colonel Heindrich Von Zeppel,
Prussian balloonist, is arriving
today on the noon stage.
Wait, wait.
"Under orders to
consider the activation
of a balloon corps
with F Troop as its personnel."
So that's what they've
been saving us for.
Couldn't have made
a better choice, sir.
The stage should
be along any minute.
I'll go inside and
see if it's on time.
Sarge, how come
you're so happy to see
this Prussian
birdman coming here?
I look at the
positive side of things
that's why I'm a sergeant
and you're a corporal.
Oh. I always thought it
was because you were taller.
No, see it all now, when
you're in the balloon corps
you just do nothing
but float through the air.
No more shoeing horses.
No more cleaning tag.
You mean, no
more infantry drills?
Right.
No more camping
out? Right again.
And how much marching
can you do in a balloon?
Agarn, I don't know why
people say you're so dumb.
Of course, there's
O'Rourke Enterprises.
Well, how does that fit in?
Once we learn how
to work this balloon
we borrow it from time to
time and hurry up our deliveries.
And we can even sell rides
to the folks here in town.
Now do you wanna
be in the balloon corps?
It's the only way to fly.
Who says I'm dumb?
Here she comes.
[♪♪♪]
[CHUCKLES]
Well, he doesn't seem
to be in the coach, sir.
He must be.
Oh, he's probably waiting inside
for one of us to
greet him officially.
There's nobody inside, sir.
Well, maybe he missed the stage.
Well, I don't understand it.
If an officer of Colonel
Von Zeppel's reputation
says that he's arriving
on the noon stage
then he should be
arriving on the noon stage.
[CRASH]
I told you.
[SPEAKS IN GERMAN]
Don't stand there just. Somebody
help me from here down.
[♪♪♪]
Are your hands clean, sergeant?
Sure.
Be careful with mein Schnitzel.
There we go. Be
careful with him, Agarn.
Uh, just, uh, step
right down this way.
Ah, all right, coming.
That's it.
Ah. Here we are.
Colonel Heindrich Von
Zeppel reporting for duty.
Oh. Captain Wilton
Parmenter, F Troop,
and this is Sergeant
O'Rourke and Corporal Agarn.
Oh, and this is Miss
Jane Angelica Thrift.
I am charmed.
[SPEAKS IN GERMAN]
Und this is Schnitzel.
Hi there, fellow.
Have a nice flight?
You'll have to excuse him. He
does not understand English.
Do you have any
baggage with you, colonel?
It is coming by wagon train
with the balloon equipment.
[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
Until we meet again.
Und now, so we go
to headquarters, ja?
Ja.
Und I would like
to review the troops
that will take part
in operation Luft.
You mean a full-dress review?
Ja.
According to you
army regulation,
362 dash 4198
subheading small D,
visiting officers
of command rank
will have a dress
review in their honor.
Really? I didn't know
that. Sergeant O'Rourke?
Yes, sir.
Please arrange a full
dress welcoming review
in honor of our
distinguished guest.
Yes, sir. Army regulations
362 dash 4198, sir.
Subheading... Small D, I know.
Now, colonel, is there
anything else I can do for you?
Ja, can you lend
me your begleiter?
My...
Oh, darn it. I just sent
that out to the cleaners.
Nein, nein, nein.
A begleiter is a military
attendant, an orderly.
We Prussian officers
have a begleiter.
The British officers
have a batman.
You Americans, you
do not have a batman?
Well, not yet, but I'm
sure we will someday.
We're a very progressive nation.
Well, no matter. I
make do without one.
No, no, no, I wouldn't
think of it, colonel.
You just take your pick of an
orderly from among my men.
Parmenter, if you are
going to be in my command,
let me advise you:
toughen up those ankles.
Hard luck and trouble.
I'm telling you, I can
see it coming right now.
One day in the balloon corps
and already a full-dress review.
I don't call this
floating through the air
like a feather in the breeze.
Just a formality.
Once we get in training,
it'll be just like I said.
Yeah? Well, I wish
I could be as sure
as you are about Attila the Hun.
Now, trust in me. Have I
ever given you a bum steer?
Yes. All right.
But I can't lose them all, huh?
Hey, what is that you're
putting on the boots?
I ran out of bootblack so I'm
using what I put on my hair.
Hair oil on boots?
No. Bacon grease.
Why, no wonder you
smell like breakfast.
Chin in, chest out.
Chin in, chest out.
Chin in, chest out.
Straighten that hat.
Where was I? Chest out.
Chest out!
Ten-hut.
Get away from me,
boy. You're bothering me.
You're missing a
button from the tunic.
No, colonel. It ain't missing.
I got it right here
in my pocket.
Are you making jokes at me?
Congratulations, corporal.
Schnitzel likes you.
And I like Schnitzel.
Parmenter, I think I have found
mein begleiter.
Und you will iron mein
shirt und polish mein helmet.
Und take mein
Schnitzel for a walk.
Those are the duties.
Yes, sir.
Dummkopf. How
did I tell you to say it?
Jawohl, mein Herr! Again.
Jawohl, mein Herr!
Again. Jawohl, mein Herr!
Ach to Himmel, he's
got it. I think he's got it.
Jawohl, mein Herr!
Your men are completely
out of control, captain.
There is no organization.
No discipline.
Well, colonel,
they do their best.
It is not enough.
In Prussia, things
are different.
If I order my men to march
off a cliff, they march off a cliff.
Isn't that a little
hard on the men?
It's harder on me.
I have to keep training new men.
Right, corporal?
Jawohl, mein Herr!
Now that I'm here,
things will be different.
We will have order.
We will have discipline.
We will have attention.
[GERMAN ACCENT] Because that
is the way we do things in Prussia.
What are you talking
about Prussia...?
Silence!
Every morning at 5:00 before
breakfast, we will have a drill.
Und at 7:00 before breakfast
we will march 10 miles.
Excuse me for asking, colonel,
but when do we eat breakfast?
At lunch.
Colonel, my men
aren't use to such...
That's tough hasenpfeffer.
They will have to
shape up or ship out.
Right, corporal?
Jawohl, mein Herr!
Good, you are dismissed.
Go back to quarters und
continue transcribing my memoirs.
Oh, colonel, I couldn't
help wondering about
that scar on your cheek.
Did you get that in battle?
In a way.
I get it in a duel when I was
a student at the university.
It is my mark of honor.
Mein "schmiss."
Well, whoever did it
didn't "schmiss" by much.
Actually, a young
lady was involved.
Oh, did you beat her?
Captain, what are you doing?
Well, what's the matter, Dobbs?
Haven't you ever seen
an officer shave before?
Agarn, what's gotten into you?
[GERMAN ACCENT] Something
is troubling you, my feldwebel?
Feldwebel?
Feldwebel. That's
Prussian for sergeant.
You see what I mean?
Don't you think you've gotten
into this thing a bit too much?
Because it is the right
way. It is the military way.
And above all, it is the
blue-blooded Prussian way.
Agarn, what has
happened to your loyalty?
[NORMAL VOICE] You
know, sarge, you're right.
I guess I got carried away.
Forgetting my
years in the service.
My birthright.
My national heritage.
Oh, sarge, I'm sorry.
Now, well, now there, there.
[GERMAN ACCENT]
Get your hands off!
Agarn, you knucklehead,
will you stop it?
I will not be
talked to that way.
O'Rourke, you have
maybe relatives in Prussia?
So, gentlemen,
the time has come
for me to reveal
to you my true purpose here.
In the Civil War,
balloonists flew over the lines
to observe the
enemy movements, ja?
Please be careful. Don't hurt
the balloon, you clumsy ox.
Sorry. So
I approach your chief
of staff in Washington
with my new theory, ja?
It is that we can now
fly over the territory
where the treacherous
Hekawi Indians are holed up.
[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
Oh, it's, uh, to observe them.
Not just observe, gentlemen.
F Troop will attack the
Hekawis from the air.
And if it works,
it is westward ho.
Und tomorrow, the Apaches.
You and your easy
life in the balloon corps.
Yeah, well, if you hadn't been
so busy jawohl-ing mein Herr
you might have realized
what he was up to.
Sarge, I don't wanna
go up in a balloon
and attack the Hekawi.
They're not treacherous.
They're our friends.
And besides, they
might attack back.
Could also having effect
on O'Rourke Enterprises,
like wiping us out.
What are we gonna do about it?
We'll do the only
honorable thing.
What's that?
Reveal our plans to the enemy.
What you mean you want
Hekawis to move away?
We only want you to move
because we're your friends.
With friend like you,
Hekawi no need enemy.
No need no joke, either.
I guess we'll have
to tell you the rest.
F Troop is gonna attack you.
What about no-fight
clause in treaty?
Wait a minute,
it's not our idea.
We don't wanna
go on the warpath.
And me no want to go on warpath.
War paint makes skin break out.
It's this new colonel.
He wants us to attack
the Hekawis from a balloon.
What is "balloon"?
Well, there's this big cloth
bag and you blow it up.
Me think Agarn speak
with fuzzy tongue.
You think not. Me, the
chief. Me think for Hekawis.
Me think Agarn speak
with fuzzy tongue.
We're telling you the truth.
There's this big cloth bag
and you blow it up with hot air.
And underneath
there's this basket
and you ride in the basket.
There is wise old Indian saying:
"He who plant crop of rhubarb
will lose moccasins
in light of full moon."
I'll go along with that.
You'll go along with anything.
Please listen, will you just
move the Hekawis away?
If not, you going
to fight us from air
in basket with big
bag over head?
That's about the size of it.
Once we have brave
who say he fly in air.
He show feathers on arms
and he jump off mountain.
He fly real good.
But he land real bad.
Chief, I'm telling you,
if you don't move
the Hekawi away
we're gonna have to go
up in the balloon and...
Sarge, I can't say it.
Agarn, you take
good dose of spirits
of yucca root, balloon go away.
If balloon no go
away, happy landing.
Gentlemen, we drink to
our first flight tomorrow, ja?
We balloonists have a toast.
Eat, drink und be merry
for tomorrow we may be kaput.
Ah, the beer here is good.
Yeah, we like it.
But not so good as
the beer of Prussia.
Mmm. And the food here is good.
It's delicious.
Yeah, but it's not sauerbraten.
Howdy, mind if I join you?
Mmm.
And the women
here are wunderbar.
Why, thank you, colonel.
But not so wunderbar as
the women back in Prussia.
Oh, come now, colonel.
Women are the same everywhere.
Nein, nein, nein.
In Prussia, the women
dress like women.
Not like the Fräulein here.
Well, I'll go along with
you on the food and drink.
But we kind of like
Jane the way she is.
Thank you, Wilton.
You are casting an aspersion
on mein taste in femininity?
No, no, I didn't cast
anything like that.
Now, Wilton, don't go getting
in a fight on my account.
In Prussia, we always get
into fights on women's accounts.
Well, then you should be glad
we're here and not in Prussia.
You have insulted mein country.
No, no, look. I'll
leave it to you.
Now, did I insult
the colonel...?
I never duel a man in a
country where I am a guest.
But in your exception,
I will make a case.
A duel?
Do you accept? Well,
of course he accepts.
The honorable name
of Parmenter is at stake.
He can always change his name.
Borrow your glove,
sir. No, it will never fit.
No, no, you're supposed to
slap him across the face with it.
I'm supposed to... To
accept the challenge.
That's what I hate about
dueling. All that face-slapping.
Sorry.
I hope you duel better
than you challenge.
Corporal, you will
be mein second.
And I will be yours, sir.
Two grown men fighting a
duel. I'm ashamed of you.
And I'm warning you, Wilton,
if you go get yourself killed
don't come crying to me.
[♪♪♪]
Ah.
Well, what your
choice of weapons is?
How are you at arm-wrestling?
What'll it be, captain?
Pistols or sabers?
Uh, sabers. Pistols
would wake up the men.
Yeah, you're all heart.
Uh, I'll take the
right-handed one.
Corporal.
Gentlemen.
[SPEAKS IN GERMAN]
[SPEAKS IN GERMAN]
Now count out 20 paces,
and face each other.
Two, three...
[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
Agarn, we gotta keep them apart.
We can't take a chance
on the captain getting kaput.
Nineteen, twenty.
Ready, set, go.
Ha.
Well, either we have
to get closer together
or get longer swords.
Twenty paces for
pistols is, dummkopf.
What's the matter with you?
You take care of Schnitzel.
I be my own second.
En garde.
Aah!
Oh, ow!
Wait, wait.
Wow, how did you do that?
Well, the important
thing is to keep
the front leg
extended so that...
We'd better give the
captain some more help.
Colonel, hey, look up there.
There? What, what?
I don't see anything.
Now, captain. I don't
see anything either.
[MUTTERING IN GERMAN]
Look.
You don't fool the colonel
a second time with that.
Look.
Agarn.
Schnitzel.
Chief, me have riddle for you.
What has big round shape,
carries man and dog, and flies?
Me give up. What
has big round shape,
carries man and dog, and flies?
Me not know
either but there it is.
It is balloon.
No such thing as balloon.
That's what you tell
O'Rourke and Agarn.
Must be evil spirit.
Well, not just stand there.
Sound evil spirit alarm.
[CHANTING, SHOUTING
INDISTINCTLY]
Chief, you really
believe in evil spirits?
Nah, but what do they know?
Und so, gentlemen, it is
time for me to say goodbye.
Not goodbye, colonel,
auf Wiedersehen
Glad they settled their
differences like gentlemen,
in a poker game.
Yeah? I still say
the colonel cheated.
I don't see how three
kaisers can beat a royal flush.
All right, let's give
him a hand here, men.
Are your hands clean, Parmenter?
Yeah.
All right, be careful
with mein Schnitzel.
There we go.
All right.
Now that I know that the
Hekawi Indians can fight back
I must return to
Prussia und develop
a puncture-proof balloon.
Don't worry, I shall
return. All right.
Victory under calm blue.
We'll go off.
Oh, captain, don't
you think we ought
to give him a farewell salute?
Oh, yes. Give the signal.
[CRASH]
[♪♪♪]