F Troop (1965–1967): Season 2, Episode 28 - Carpetbagging, Anyone? - full transcript
A man comes to town, buys the land that Fort Courage is on and then plans to throw out F Troop.
[♪♪♪]
We have the banner
all finished, captain.
Well, good work, Stanley,
and you too, Livingstone.
Oh, my, you certainly
did a wonderful job...
Are you all right, captain?
Yes, yes. I'm fine,
Livingstone. I mean, Stanley.
Uh... Uh, here.
You two men, see if you can't
paste this banner together.
I'll go check on
our marching band.
Just ain't fair. Don't
you backstab me!
Wait a minute,
both of you. Hold it!
[ALL YELLING INDISTINCTLY]
Sergeant, what seems
to be the trouble?
Oh, well, nothing, sir.
We're just trying to decide
who should lead
the military band.
Sir, I don't think
there's any doubt
but that the leader of the band
should have an instrument
that plays lovely
melodious tones.
Too bad you can't find an
instrument like that, Agarn.
I'm warning you, Dobbs!
Captain, I think that
the leader of the band
should play the bugle
because it's more military.
Your bugle is
military, only because
with your lips, it becomes
a deadly weapon.
I'm warning you, Agarn.
All right, now, hold it!
Hold it! Both of
you. Really, men.
Well, I think Captain
Parmenter should be the judge
because he has such
a fine musical ear.
[PLAYS NOTE]
[PLAYS NOTE]
[PLAYS HIGHER NOTE]
[PLAYS HIGHER NOTE]
[PLAYS HIGHER NOTE]
[PLAYING HIGH, SHRILL NOTE]
Hold it, Dobbs, hold it.
[CONTINUES TO PLAY]
See what I told you, sir?
He's a menace with that bugle.
I'm sorry, sir.
Well, I guess Corporal
Agarn will lead the band,
and, Dobbs, you
try to play softly.
I'll try playing with
one lip, captain.
Sergeant, call the
troop to attention
and we'll march into town
to start the celebration.
Yes, sir. All right,
troop. Fall in. Come on.
Forward, march!
[PLAYING "F TROOP THEME"]
Troop, halt!
At ease, men.
[CONTINUES TO PLAY]
Agarn, put your
saxophone at ease.
Oh, Wilton, this is so exciting.
Please, Janey.
Please, I've told you,
not in front of the troops.
Captain Parmenter? Yes, sir?
Permit me to introduce myself.
My name is Parker, James Parker.
Better known in the
territory as Big Jim.
Well, I'm very happy
to meet you, Mr. Parker.
Oh. Ha-ha. Big Jim.
Are you going to be
in Fort Courage long?
I expect so, yes.
Well, I think you'll find this
a very nice little town, sir.
Thank you. That's
why I bought it.
[♪♪♪]
My pleasure, gentlemen.
ALL: He bought the town?!
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Imagine, buying up a whole town.
This Big Jim Parker, he
must be some wheeler-dealer.
There's a lot of
carpetbaggers around
buying up towns these days.
No kidding, sarge? Yeah.
Just last week, a guy
try to sell me a town
but I was too smart for him.
Where was it?
Some place out in
Nevada called Las Vegas.
They've gotta get up
pretty early in the morning
to outsmart you, sarge.
Yeah.
[HAMMERING]
Huh.
Very nice. Very nice, Smitty.
What kind of man are you,
throwing Janey out of her store?
You know, if you're not careful,
you'll get this whole
town down on you.
Well, you forget, sergeant,
this is my town.
All right, Smitty,
let's get along.
You keep this up, Parker,
and the people are gonna run
you right out of Fort Courage.
Fort Courage?
[LAUGHS]
Oh, you mean that
broken-down cow town
that used to be here, hm?
What do you mean?
You are now standing
in downtown Parkersville.
Now, that's going too far.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
Just a minute,
we're not finished.
Oh, really, O'Rourke?
[CLEARS THROAT]
What are you doing
with that badge?
You're now talking
to your new sheriff.
You're the new sheriff?
That's right.
And you're both under
arrest for loitering.
Ha! Tell that to the judge.
I'm glad you
mentioned that, corporal.
Meet His Honor,
the new town judge.
Court is now in session.
First case, loitering.
How do you plead?
Wait a minute, Parker.
Guilty! Guilty!
The court sentences
you to $2 or two days.
We want to appeal
to a higher court.
Very well.
Meet your new
territorial justice.
Appeal denied.
What are we gonna do, sarge?
Pay the man the $2.
Thank you, gentlemen.
Ha-ha. Good day.
I'd punch him in the mouth,
but I don't know
which mouth to punch.
The sheriff, the judge
or the territorial justice.
Sarge, he's taking
over our saloon.
I know, and we can't
say anything about it.
Why not?
If he fined us $2 for loitering,
can you imagine
what he'd hit us with
if he found out a soldier
owned that saloon?
But, sarge, what
are we gonna do?
We'd better talk this over
with Captain Parmenter.
I can't believe it.
He's changed the name
of the town to Parkersville?
And he's taken
over every store too.
What, Wrangler Jane's?
And the saloon, sir.
All have signs that say,
"Under New Management."
Is there anything we can
do about this man, sir?
Now, let me think a
minute. [HAMMERING]
Will you stop that
hammering out there?
I could write a
letter to Washington.
Agarn, will you go out
and tell those clowns
to stop hammering?
Right, sarge.
On the other hand, he
hasn't broken any laws.
True, but he'd made
himself the sheriff,
town judge and
territorial justice.
He has? Yes, sir.
Captain, sarge, come
here. Take a look.
Oh, now, just a
minute, Mr. Parker.
You may have bought the
town, but you didn't buy our fort.
[LAUGHING]
I'm afraid you're
mistaken, captain.
See, according to my deed,
the land under this
fort also belongs to me.
And I'm giving you just exactly
one week to move out.
[♪♪♪]
We're gonna be the first
troop in the U.S. Army
to be evicted from a fort.
Hold it. Hold it!
[ALL CHATTERING]
Quiet! You heard the sarge.
We've gotta do something
about this Jim Parker
and we've got to do it fast.
Why don't we just let them
come and get us, O'Rourke,
like we did at the Alamo?
There we were, me and Davy,
shoulder to shoulder
and backs to the wall.
Duffy, would you forget
about it? We lost that one too.
Hey, sarge, I got an idea.
Why don't we have
Agarn serenade him
with that saxophone of his?
That'd drive
anybody out of town.
You're asking for it, Dobbs!
Say, sarge, I've got an idea.
O'ROURKE: What is it, Vandy?
Why don't we write a
nasty note to the Apaches
and sign Parker's name?
I like that, Vandy.
No, that's no good.
They'd burn down the whole town.
We've gotta come up
with something better... Oh.
Wait a minute.
You got an idea, sarge?
We'll have our own
Indians capture Parker.
Our own Indians?
Yeah, have a couple
of Indians kidnap him,
hold him for ransom.
His life for the
fort. Make a deal.
Oh, I like that, sarge.
Where are we gonna get
the Indians to do it, sarge?
Right here in F Troop.
[♪♪♪]
Yeah, well, Parker
is in there all right.
What about Agarn and Dobbs?
They said they'd signal me
as soon as they sneaked
in behind the building.
Dobbs, let's start
climbing up on the roof.
Wait a minute, Agarn.
We're supposed to signal
O'Rourke that we're here.
That's right.
Whippoorwill. Whippoorwill.
Hey, I didn't know you
could do bird imitations.
That's pretty good.
Get a load of this one.
Bobolink. Bobolink.
Can you guess what that one was?
Robin redbreast?
I'm warning you, Dobbs.
Now, I'm gonna go in there
and keep Parker occupied.
You wait here, Duffy.
Howdy, sheriff.
Evening, O'Rourke.
Well, what can I do for you?
Oh, nothing. I
just wanna drop by
and apologize
for this afternoon.
Ah, well, there's no
need to apologize.
Well, there's no sense
in not being friendly.
[WHISPERING] Feel around
for a loose board, Dobbs.
There should be plenty
of them in this old roof.
O'Rourke, I don't expect to
make too many friends in this town.
This budget's in
a terrible mess,
I've got a lot of work to do.
So if you don't mind.
Okay. All right, if that's
the way you want it.
[ROOF CREAKING]
Did you hear
something, O'Rourke?
Uh, yeah, well, all
these old buildings
got a lot of mice
in the basement.
Oh.
Well, this building
doesn't have a basement.
But the mice don't know that.
Here's a couple of loose
boards, Dobbs. Good.
Now, when I lift them up,
we drop down on Parker.
Get it? Got it.
O'Rourke, I told you
I've got a lot of work to do.
So if you don't mind, huh?
All right. I'll see you
later, Big Jim, huh?
[CREAKING, CRASHING]
[♪♪♪]
And I thought this was
gonna be a slow night.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Sergeant, that is the
most shocking thing
I have ever heard.
That you, a sergeant in
the United States Cavalry,
could come up with a plan
that is absolutely against
all military regulations.
That is completely illegal,
and that violates everything
that F Troop stands for.
And the worst part about it is,
it didn't work.
Yes, sir. Well, I thought
I'd take Duffy tonight
and we'd try to
engineer a jailbreak.
No, no, no. I don't
wanna involve the Army.
Oh, no, no. I intended for us
to be dressed as Indians, sir.
Ooh, good. Yeah.
But I don't think
Duffy should go.
Oh? Why not, sir?
His old wound at the Alamo
has sort of slowed him down.
I think you'll need a
more agile partner.
Yes, yes, I suppose.
Who do you have in mind, sir?
Me.
Oh, that's wonderful, sir.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Yes, sir.
[♪♪♪]
Thank you. It's all right.
I thought being
in an Indian suit
would make me
walk a little lighter.
We'd better wait here until
I give the signal to Duffy.
Good idea.
[IMITATING BIRD CALL]
There's O'Rourke's
signal. Come on.
There you are, you
thieving redskins.
Sheriff, what kind of
slopum you serveum?
Oh, I thought you might
like a little home cooking.
So I fixed you up
some rattlesnake stew.
[CLANKING]
All right, now, cut that out.
[SNIFFING]
[WHISPERING] Hey, Agarn,
this stuff don't smell no
worse than the mess hall.
[SNIFFS]
[WHISPERING]
You're right, Dobbs.
Hey, Dobbs, this is delicious.
Hey, you know something, Agarn,
this is the best chow
we've had in months.
DUFFY: All right, Vanderbilt,
if that's what you
want, we'll shoot it out.
That's sounds like Duffy.
What does he
mean, "shoot it out?"
[♪♪♪]
Hello, what's going on here?
We're having a shootout.
Well, I thought it was
gonna be a nice quiet night.
Aren't you gonna arrest us?
What for?
As long as you
keep moving around,
you ain't loitering, are you?
What's going on, boss?
Hm? Not a thing.
Not a thing, Smitty.
Come on, I'll buy you a drink.
[♪♪♪]
Dobbs, Indians!
Not Indians, it's us.
Sarge, Captain Parmenter.
We've come to rescue you.
Could you wait
until after dinner?
This rattlesnake
stew is delicious.
Agarn. Wanna bite, captain?
No, thanks. I just ate.
All right, out the
window, quick, captain.
Captain, are you all right, sir?
Yes, yes, I'll be all right.
Oh, fine, sir. [DOOR CLANGS]
Thought you could
outsmart Big Jim, did you?
You know, that's funny.
You're a lot bigger than I
thought you were, and you...
You're a lot smaller.
I guess I'll just have to
change my brand of whiskey.
Nobody is ever
gonna believe this.
I don't believe it.
But we had to do
something, chief,
or Big Jim is gonna
take over the fort.
Same thing happen to us.
You mean Big Jim is
taking over your land too?
He say if we not
move by end of week,
whole tribe under
new management.
Looks like we all
in the same canoe.
I got a little plan, chief.
Here's the building. Huh?
Here's the cell.
Here's where Big Jim sits.
Agarn, you forget.
I've been an Indian
a lot longer than you have.
The chief's right, Agarn.
We ain't been doing
too good in these outfits.
Let's let them
take a crack at it.
Everybody always
wants to play Indian.
Tomorrow night, Crazy
Cat and I go to town
and rescue Sergeant
O'Rourke and paleface captain.
Is there anything
I can do, chief?
Yes, you a part of my plan.
Is there anything
I can do, chief?
Pray a lot. That's what
I'm gonna be doing.
[♪♪♪]
Big Chief Sheriff?
Yeah? What is it?
Uh, you haveum seconds
on rattlesnake stew?
What do you think I'm
running? A restaurant?
Good evening, Big Jim.
What's so good about it?
Well, it's a beautiful
balmy night.
The stars are out, full moon.
I don't know what you
had in mind, Agarn,
but I can't leave the office.
Well, I just thought
you had a young lady
that you might like
to go courting with.
I still can't leave the office.
I'd be glad to sit in for you.
Agarn, a good sheriff
never turns his
prisoners over to anybody.
Oh, of course, Big Jim,
we all know that you're
a great little sheriff.
Well... What are
you doing, Agarn?
Well, I happen to know
Indian sign language
and I was just
telling those redskins
that there's no chance
for them to escape.
Oh.
I caught them finger-talking
behind your back.
Ah, I wouldn't worry
about that, Agarn.
They tried to escape last night,
and they better
not try it again.
Yes, they learned their lesson.
I'm sure they won't. Yeah.
All right, sheriff,
reach for the sky.
Nobody make false
move, nobody get hurt.
Now, don't you
worry about us, chief.
We know how
savage your tribe is,
so we wanna cooperate
and do anything you want.
First thing we'll do is let
your buddies out of the cell.
We wanna be friendly.
The keys, the keys.
Ah.
Hope you boys had a nice stay.
If you have suggestions
about improving our jail,
you just drop it the box.
You do have a
suggestion box, don't you?
We'll have one tomorrow.
Now, sheriff, you come with us.
Where are you taking us, chief?
We not taking you, just him.
WILD EAGLE: You
come back to the fort,
tell Captain Parmenter
that we not give up sheriff
till he give back land
and big ransom money.
Go on, Agarn.
Tell the captain to
give them the money.
I'll give it back to him.
I don't think the
captain would do that,
with your evicting
the troop from the fort.
I'll give him the deed
to the land. Go, Agarn.
A very smart idea, Big Jim.
All right, sheriff, move on out.
All right.
All right, into the cell,
you thieving redskins.
Come on.
Sheriff, I hear you make a
nice little rattlesnake stew here.
Get in.
Agarn, you should never have
let Wild Eagle and Crazy Cat
try to rescue us.
How was I to know? After
all, Wild Eagle is a chief.
Yeah, but to a
chief, is he a chief?
It's funny how the Hekawis
have never really gotten
the hang of being Indians.
The first thing we've got
to do is get them out of jail.
After all, it's our
fault they're in there.
Men. Oh, yes, sir.
Captain, sir. At ease.
Any word from
territorial headquarters?
No, but in my wire to them,
I made it clear that they
have to get the land back
for the fort or this territory
will be without protection.
Yes, sir. At the moment,
we're faced with the problem
of getting Wild Eagle
and Crazy out of jail.
I know that. We
certainly owe it to them.
Has anybody come up
with any suggestions?
I'm surprised that the Hekawis
haven't come to try
and rescue their chief.
It'll be two weeks before
they even miss him.
They're not the most
sentimental tribe I ever met.
Oh, Wilton, something
terrible is happening.
What is it, Jane? Big Jim
Parker is about to hang
Chief Wild Eagle and Crazy Cat.
Are you sure he's
trying to hang them?
He has a scaffold
built with a trap door
and hanging down are two
6-foot pieces of rope with nooses.
Now, that's what
I call a hanging.
[♪♪♪]
Really, sheriff, me think
you making big mistake.
We not really
mean it last night.
Just having fun. Hekawis
always playing around.
That's right.
You new around here. Ask anyone.
We the fun-loving tribe.
Oh. Things have
changed, haven't they? Hm?
Last night, you were a
couple of brave braves,
and today you're just
a couple of cowards.
Nothing changed.
Last night, we cowards.
We cowards today.
Tomorrow, we cowards.
You name it, we cowards.
I demand you release them
until they've had a fair trial.
Captain is right. Me know law.
Must allow one
smoke signal to lawyer.
What everybody
seems to be forgetting is
that I am the law
here in Parkersville.
I'm warning you, Mr. Parker,
you're going too far.
I'd be glad to discuss
it with you, captain,
after the hanging.
Discuss it now while
it's still fresh in your mind.
Get up there on the scaffold.
[♪♪♪]
Captain, you can't let him
do that to our two friends.
Wilton, do something.
Well, there's only
one thing to do.
I'll place Parker under
house arrest in the fort
and take the consequences.
Captain, I don't think
that's gonna be necessary.
I have an idea. Uh, sheriff?
Yes, what is it, O'Rourke?
It's customary in this territory
to give everyone
a military funeral.
If you don't mind,
we'd like to have our
bugler play "Taps."
For two Indians?
That does seem a little
out of the ordinary but...
Well, go ahead if it's
gonna make you happy.
Me, it won't make happy.
Just a minute, sarge.
I am the band leader.
I'll go get my sax and
come back and blow "Taps."
Shut up, will you?
Dobbs, hit your
high note, will you?
[PLAYING HIGH, SHRILL NOTE]
[GRUNTING]
Come on.
Here.
Good work, Dobbs.
Well, thank you, sir.
And you're the new
leader of the band.
Oh, sarge.
[SOBBING]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Well, congratulations, captain.
It was clever of you
to get Washington
to appropriate the land around
the fort for national defense.
Ah, thank you, sergeant.
And I also got the
Indian Affairs office
to return the land
to the Hekawis.
Where's Big Jim Parker now, sir?
He's on his way to Washington.
It'll take him six months to
try to get back his holdings.
Oh, if I may suggest, sir,
we ought to continue with
the Founders' Day celebration.
Good idea. Sergeant, I want
you to assemble the men.
Dobbs, you get our
marching band together.
Right, captain.
Yes, sir.
[PLAYING "F TROOP THEME"]
I've organized my
own band, captain.
Ready, Stanley.
Ready, Livingstone.
Hit it!
[PLAYING "F TROOP THEME"]
Oh, sarge.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[BUGLE PLAYS "CHARGE"]
We have the banner
all finished, captain.
Well, good work, Stanley,
and you too, Livingstone.
Oh, my, you certainly
did a wonderful job...
Are you all right, captain?
Yes, yes. I'm fine,
Livingstone. I mean, Stanley.
Uh... Uh, here.
You two men, see if you can't
paste this banner together.
I'll go check on
our marching band.
Just ain't fair. Don't
you backstab me!
Wait a minute,
both of you. Hold it!
[ALL YELLING INDISTINCTLY]
Sergeant, what seems
to be the trouble?
Oh, well, nothing, sir.
We're just trying to decide
who should lead
the military band.
Sir, I don't think
there's any doubt
but that the leader of the band
should have an instrument
that plays lovely
melodious tones.
Too bad you can't find an
instrument like that, Agarn.
I'm warning you, Dobbs!
Captain, I think that
the leader of the band
should play the bugle
because it's more military.
Your bugle is
military, only because
with your lips, it becomes
a deadly weapon.
I'm warning you, Agarn.
All right, now, hold it!
Hold it! Both of
you. Really, men.
Well, I think Captain
Parmenter should be the judge
because he has such
a fine musical ear.
[PLAYS NOTE]
[PLAYS NOTE]
[PLAYS HIGHER NOTE]
[PLAYS HIGHER NOTE]
[PLAYS HIGHER NOTE]
[PLAYING HIGH, SHRILL NOTE]
Hold it, Dobbs, hold it.
[CONTINUES TO PLAY]
See what I told you, sir?
He's a menace with that bugle.
I'm sorry, sir.
Well, I guess Corporal
Agarn will lead the band,
and, Dobbs, you
try to play softly.
I'll try playing with
one lip, captain.
Sergeant, call the
troop to attention
and we'll march into town
to start the celebration.
Yes, sir. All right,
troop. Fall in. Come on.
Forward, march!
[PLAYING "F TROOP THEME"]
Troop, halt!
At ease, men.
[CONTINUES TO PLAY]
Agarn, put your
saxophone at ease.
Oh, Wilton, this is so exciting.
Please, Janey.
Please, I've told you,
not in front of the troops.
Captain Parmenter? Yes, sir?
Permit me to introduce myself.
My name is Parker, James Parker.
Better known in the
territory as Big Jim.
Well, I'm very happy
to meet you, Mr. Parker.
Oh. Ha-ha. Big Jim.
Are you going to be
in Fort Courage long?
I expect so, yes.
Well, I think you'll find this
a very nice little town, sir.
Thank you. That's
why I bought it.
[♪♪♪]
My pleasure, gentlemen.
ALL: He bought the town?!
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Imagine, buying up a whole town.
This Big Jim Parker, he
must be some wheeler-dealer.
There's a lot of
carpetbaggers around
buying up towns these days.
No kidding, sarge? Yeah.
Just last week, a guy
try to sell me a town
but I was too smart for him.
Where was it?
Some place out in
Nevada called Las Vegas.
They've gotta get up
pretty early in the morning
to outsmart you, sarge.
Yeah.
[HAMMERING]
Huh.
Very nice. Very nice, Smitty.
What kind of man are you,
throwing Janey out of her store?
You know, if you're not careful,
you'll get this whole
town down on you.
Well, you forget, sergeant,
this is my town.
All right, Smitty,
let's get along.
You keep this up, Parker,
and the people are gonna run
you right out of Fort Courage.
Fort Courage?
[LAUGHS]
Oh, you mean that
broken-down cow town
that used to be here, hm?
What do you mean?
You are now standing
in downtown Parkersville.
Now, that's going too far.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
Just a minute,
we're not finished.
Oh, really, O'Rourke?
[CLEARS THROAT]
What are you doing
with that badge?
You're now talking
to your new sheriff.
You're the new sheriff?
That's right.
And you're both under
arrest for loitering.
Ha! Tell that to the judge.
I'm glad you
mentioned that, corporal.
Meet His Honor,
the new town judge.
Court is now in session.
First case, loitering.
How do you plead?
Wait a minute, Parker.
Guilty! Guilty!
The court sentences
you to $2 or two days.
We want to appeal
to a higher court.
Very well.
Meet your new
territorial justice.
Appeal denied.
What are we gonna do, sarge?
Pay the man the $2.
Thank you, gentlemen.
Ha-ha. Good day.
I'd punch him in the mouth,
but I don't know
which mouth to punch.
The sheriff, the judge
or the territorial justice.
Sarge, he's taking
over our saloon.
I know, and we can't
say anything about it.
Why not?
If he fined us $2 for loitering,
can you imagine
what he'd hit us with
if he found out a soldier
owned that saloon?
But, sarge, what
are we gonna do?
We'd better talk this over
with Captain Parmenter.
I can't believe it.
He's changed the name
of the town to Parkersville?
And he's taken
over every store too.
What, Wrangler Jane's?
And the saloon, sir.
All have signs that say,
"Under New Management."
Is there anything we can
do about this man, sir?
Now, let me think a
minute. [HAMMERING]
Will you stop that
hammering out there?
I could write a
letter to Washington.
Agarn, will you go out
and tell those clowns
to stop hammering?
Right, sarge.
On the other hand, he
hasn't broken any laws.
True, but he'd made
himself the sheriff,
town judge and
territorial justice.
He has? Yes, sir.
Captain, sarge, come
here. Take a look.
Oh, now, just a
minute, Mr. Parker.
You may have bought the
town, but you didn't buy our fort.
[LAUGHING]
I'm afraid you're
mistaken, captain.
See, according to my deed,
the land under this
fort also belongs to me.
And I'm giving you just exactly
one week to move out.
[♪♪♪]
We're gonna be the first
troop in the U.S. Army
to be evicted from a fort.
Hold it. Hold it!
[ALL CHATTERING]
Quiet! You heard the sarge.
We've gotta do something
about this Jim Parker
and we've got to do it fast.
Why don't we just let them
come and get us, O'Rourke,
like we did at the Alamo?
There we were, me and Davy,
shoulder to shoulder
and backs to the wall.
Duffy, would you forget
about it? We lost that one too.
Hey, sarge, I got an idea.
Why don't we have
Agarn serenade him
with that saxophone of his?
That'd drive
anybody out of town.
You're asking for it, Dobbs!
Say, sarge, I've got an idea.
O'ROURKE: What is it, Vandy?
Why don't we write a
nasty note to the Apaches
and sign Parker's name?
I like that, Vandy.
No, that's no good.
They'd burn down the whole town.
We've gotta come up
with something better... Oh.
Wait a minute.
You got an idea, sarge?
We'll have our own
Indians capture Parker.
Our own Indians?
Yeah, have a couple
of Indians kidnap him,
hold him for ransom.
His life for the
fort. Make a deal.
Oh, I like that, sarge.
Where are we gonna get
the Indians to do it, sarge?
Right here in F Troop.
[♪♪♪]
Yeah, well, Parker
is in there all right.
What about Agarn and Dobbs?
They said they'd signal me
as soon as they sneaked
in behind the building.
Dobbs, let's start
climbing up on the roof.
Wait a minute, Agarn.
We're supposed to signal
O'Rourke that we're here.
That's right.
Whippoorwill. Whippoorwill.
Hey, I didn't know you
could do bird imitations.
That's pretty good.
Get a load of this one.
Bobolink. Bobolink.
Can you guess what that one was?
Robin redbreast?
I'm warning you, Dobbs.
Now, I'm gonna go in there
and keep Parker occupied.
You wait here, Duffy.
Howdy, sheriff.
Evening, O'Rourke.
Well, what can I do for you?
Oh, nothing. I
just wanna drop by
and apologize
for this afternoon.
Ah, well, there's no
need to apologize.
Well, there's no sense
in not being friendly.
[WHISPERING] Feel around
for a loose board, Dobbs.
There should be plenty
of them in this old roof.
O'Rourke, I don't expect to
make too many friends in this town.
This budget's in
a terrible mess,
I've got a lot of work to do.
So if you don't mind.
Okay. All right, if that's
the way you want it.
[ROOF CREAKING]
Did you hear
something, O'Rourke?
Uh, yeah, well, all
these old buildings
got a lot of mice
in the basement.
Oh.
Well, this building
doesn't have a basement.
But the mice don't know that.
Here's a couple of loose
boards, Dobbs. Good.
Now, when I lift them up,
we drop down on Parker.
Get it? Got it.
O'Rourke, I told you
I've got a lot of work to do.
So if you don't mind, huh?
All right. I'll see you
later, Big Jim, huh?
[CREAKING, CRASHING]
[♪♪♪]
And I thought this was
gonna be a slow night.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Sergeant, that is the
most shocking thing
I have ever heard.
That you, a sergeant in
the United States Cavalry,
could come up with a plan
that is absolutely against
all military regulations.
That is completely illegal,
and that violates everything
that F Troop stands for.
And the worst part about it is,
it didn't work.
Yes, sir. Well, I thought
I'd take Duffy tonight
and we'd try to
engineer a jailbreak.
No, no, no. I don't
wanna involve the Army.
Oh, no, no. I intended for us
to be dressed as Indians, sir.
Ooh, good. Yeah.
But I don't think
Duffy should go.
Oh? Why not, sir?
His old wound at the Alamo
has sort of slowed him down.
I think you'll need a
more agile partner.
Yes, yes, I suppose.
Who do you have in mind, sir?
Me.
Oh, that's wonderful, sir.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Yes, sir.
[♪♪♪]
Thank you. It's all right.
I thought being
in an Indian suit
would make me
walk a little lighter.
We'd better wait here until
I give the signal to Duffy.
Good idea.
[IMITATING BIRD CALL]
There's O'Rourke's
signal. Come on.
There you are, you
thieving redskins.
Sheriff, what kind of
slopum you serveum?
Oh, I thought you might
like a little home cooking.
So I fixed you up
some rattlesnake stew.
[CLANKING]
All right, now, cut that out.
[SNIFFING]
[WHISPERING] Hey, Agarn,
this stuff don't smell no
worse than the mess hall.
[SNIFFS]
[WHISPERING]
You're right, Dobbs.
Hey, Dobbs, this is delicious.
Hey, you know something, Agarn,
this is the best chow
we've had in months.
DUFFY: All right, Vanderbilt,
if that's what you
want, we'll shoot it out.
That's sounds like Duffy.
What does he
mean, "shoot it out?"
[♪♪♪]
Hello, what's going on here?
We're having a shootout.
Well, I thought it was
gonna be a nice quiet night.
Aren't you gonna arrest us?
What for?
As long as you
keep moving around,
you ain't loitering, are you?
What's going on, boss?
Hm? Not a thing.
Not a thing, Smitty.
Come on, I'll buy you a drink.
[♪♪♪]
Dobbs, Indians!
Not Indians, it's us.
Sarge, Captain Parmenter.
We've come to rescue you.
Could you wait
until after dinner?
This rattlesnake
stew is delicious.
Agarn. Wanna bite, captain?
No, thanks. I just ate.
All right, out the
window, quick, captain.
Captain, are you all right, sir?
Yes, yes, I'll be all right.
Oh, fine, sir. [DOOR CLANGS]
Thought you could
outsmart Big Jim, did you?
You know, that's funny.
You're a lot bigger than I
thought you were, and you...
You're a lot smaller.
I guess I'll just have to
change my brand of whiskey.
Nobody is ever
gonna believe this.
I don't believe it.
But we had to do
something, chief,
or Big Jim is gonna
take over the fort.
Same thing happen to us.
You mean Big Jim is
taking over your land too?
He say if we not
move by end of week,
whole tribe under
new management.
Looks like we all
in the same canoe.
I got a little plan, chief.
Here's the building. Huh?
Here's the cell.
Here's where Big Jim sits.
Agarn, you forget.
I've been an Indian
a lot longer than you have.
The chief's right, Agarn.
We ain't been doing
too good in these outfits.
Let's let them
take a crack at it.
Everybody always
wants to play Indian.
Tomorrow night, Crazy
Cat and I go to town
and rescue Sergeant
O'Rourke and paleface captain.
Is there anything
I can do, chief?
Yes, you a part of my plan.
Is there anything
I can do, chief?
Pray a lot. That's what
I'm gonna be doing.
[♪♪♪]
Big Chief Sheriff?
Yeah? What is it?
Uh, you haveum seconds
on rattlesnake stew?
What do you think I'm
running? A restaurant?
Good evening, Big Jim.
What's so good about it?
Well, it's a beautiful
balmy night.
The stars are out, full moon.
I don't know what you
had in mind, Agarn,
but I can't leave the office.
Well, I just thought
you had a young lady
that you might like
to go courting with.
I still can't leave the office.
I'd be glad to sit in for you.
Agarn, a good sheriff
never turns his
prisoners over to anybody.
Oh, of course, Big Jim,
we all know that you're
a great little sheriff.
Well... What are
you doing, Agarn?
Well, I happen to know
Indian sign language
and I was just
telling those redskins
that there's no chance
for them to escape.
Oh.
I caught them finger-talking
behind your back.
Ah, I wouldn't worry
about that, Agarn.
They tried to escape last night,
and they better
not try it again.
Yes, they learned their lesson.
I'm sure they won't. Yeah.
All right, sheriff,
reach for the sky.
Nobody make false
move, nobody get hurt.
Now, don't you
worry about us, chief.
We know how
savage your tribe is,
so we wanna cooperate
and do anything you want.
First thing we'll do is let
your buddies out of the cell.
We wanna be friendly.
The keys, the keys.
Ah.
Hope you boys had a nice stay.
If you have suggestions
about improving our jail,
you just drop it the box.
You do have a
suggestion box, don't you?
We'll have one tomorrow.
Now, sheriff, you come with us.
Where are you taking us, chief?
We not taking you, just him.
WILD EAGLE: You
come back to the fort,
tell Captain Parmenter
that we not give up sheriff
till he give back land
and big ransom money.
Go on, Agarn.
Tell the captain to
give them the money.
I'll give it back to him.
I don't think the
captain would do that,
with your evicting
the troop from the fort.
I'll give him the deed
to the land. Go, Agarn.
A very smart idea, Big Jim.
All right, sheriff, move on out.
All right.
All right, into the cell,
you thieving redskins.
Come on.
Sheriff, I hear you make a
nice little rattlesnake stew here.
Get in.
Agarn, you should never have
let Wild Eagle and Crazy Cat
try to rescue us.
How was I to know? After
all, Wild Eagle is a chief.
Yeah, but to a
chief, is he a chief?
It's funny how the Hekawis
have never really gotten
the hang of being Indians.
The first thing we've got
to do is get them out of jail.
After all, it's our
fault they're in there.
Men. Oh, yes, sir.
Captain, sir. At ease.
Any word from
territorial headquarters?
No, but in my wire to them,
I made it clear that they
have to get the land back
for the fort or this territory
will be without protection.
Yes, sir. At the moment,
we're faced with the problem
of getting Wild Eagle
and Crazy out of jail.
I know that. We
certainly owe it to them.
Has anybody come up
with any suggestions?
I'm surprised that the Hekawis
haven't come to try
and rescue their chief.
It'll be two weeks before
they even miss him.
They're not the most
sentimental tribe I ever met.
Oh, Wilton, something
terrible is happening.
What is it, Jane? Big Jim
Parker is about to hang
Chief Wild Eagle and Crazy Cat.
Are you sure he's
trying to hang them?
He has a scaffold
built with a trap door
and hanging down are two
6-foot pieces of rope with nooses.
Now, that's what
I call a hanging.
[♪♪♪]
Really, sheriff, me think
you making big mistake.
We not really
mean it last night.
Just having fun. Hekawis
always playing around.
That's right.
You new around here. Ask anyone.
We the fun-loving tribe.
Oh. Things have
changed, haven't they? Hm?
Last night, you were a
couple of brave braves,
and today you're just
a couple of cowards.
Nothing changed.
Last night, we cowards.
We cowards today.
Tomorrow, we cowards.
You name it, we cowards.
I demand you release them
until they've had a fair trial.
Captain is right. Me know law.
Must allow one
smoke signal to lawyer.
What everybody
seems to be forgetting is
that I am the law
here in Parkersville.
I'm warning you, Mr. Parker,
you're going too far.
I'd be glad to discuss
it with you, captain,
after the hanging.
Discuss it now while
it's still fresh in your mind.
Get up there on the scaffold.
[♪♪♪]
Captain, you can't let him
do that to our two friends.
Wilton, do something.
Well, there's only
one thing to do.
I'll place Parker under
house arrest in the fort
and take the consequences.
Captain, I don't think
that's gonna be necessary.
I have an idea. Uh, sheriff?
Yes, what is it, O'Rourke?
It's customary in this territory
to give everyone
a military funeral.
If you don't mind,
we'd like to have our
bugler play "Taps."
For two Indians?
That does seem a little
out of the ordinary but...
Well, go ahead if it's
gonna make you happy.
Me, it won't make happy.
Just a minute, sarge.
I am the band leader.
I'll go get my sax and
come back and blow "Taps."
Shut up, will you?
Dobbs, hit your
high note, will you?
[PLAYING HIGH, SHRILL NOTE]
[GRUNTING]
Come on.
Here.
Good work, Dobbs.
Well, thank you, sir.
And you're the new
leader of the band.
Oh, sarge.
[SOBBING]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Well, congratulations, captain.
It was clever of you
to get Washington
to appropriate the land around
the fort for national defense.
Ah, thank you, sergeant.
And I also got the
Indian Affairs office
to return the land
to the Hekawis.
Where's Big Jim Parker now, sir?
He's on his way to Washington.
It'll take him six months to
try to get back his holdings.
Oh, if I may suggest, sir,
we ought to continue with
the Founders' Day celebration.
Good idea. Sergeant, I want
you to assemble the men.
Dobbs, you get our
marching band together.
Right, captain.
Yes, sir.
[PLAYING "F TROOP THEME"]
I've organized my
own band, captain.
Ready, Stanley.
Ready, Livingstone.
Hit it!
[PLAYING "F TROOP THEME"]
Oh, sarge.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[BUGLE PLAYS "CHARGE"]