F Troop (1965–1967): Season 2, Episode 27 - Marriage, Fort Courage Style - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Hey, Wild Eagle,
what's this thing?

Even the Apaches don't
have bows and arrows like that.

I thought you always told us

the Hekawis were
lovers and not fighters.

This not for fighting.

New invention
for hunting buffalo.

Oh, you've got to be kidding.

Whatever happened to
just jumping on a horse

and riding out to the herd?

Two things wrong with that:



One, Hekawis afraid of buffalo.

Two, Hekawis afraid of horses.

Does this thing really work?

We're giving it
first test today.

Been on tribal drawing
board for months.

Ready to load, chief.

Load arrow.

[♪♪♪]

Uh, what are you aiming it?

Scouts say buffalo
herd that way,

grazing near river.

Arrow all loaded, chief.

Stand by for buffalo shot.

10, nine, eight...



You better fire that thing
or the herd will move.

Fire one.

Well, back to the
old drawing board.

Yeah. Well, never
mind about that, chief.

We came up here to make a deal
with you on your souvenir rings.

Why you not say so?

We pushing turquoise this month.

Two north, three south,

two west.

You catch a wagon
train with big spenders?

No, these are not for tourists.
These are for wedding rings.

Wedding rings?

We've gone into business with
a matchmaker over Dodge City

who says that she
can provide a bride

for every man in F
Troop who wants one.

This one good for wedding ring.

Have band set
with valuable jewels.

Jewels?

It looks like glass to me.

Not glass. Genuine
turquoise, 24 carats.

If that's 24 carats,
then I'm a rabbit.

Never mind about that.

Chief, get to work, make
us more of those rings.

And we'll be back tomorrow.

We gotta go meet that stage.

The matchmaker is
due in this afternoon.

Right, sarge, So
long, Wild Eagle.

So long.

Wanna make another
buffalo shot, chief?

This time not aim at tepees.

[♪♪♪]

This time, me do it.

Right, chief.

Wonder where that
one is going, chief.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Stage is late again, sarge.

Whoever said that marriages
were made in heaven was wrong.

We're making 'em right
here in Fort Courage.

Hey, sarge, has that
matchmaking lady arrived yet?

No, but she ought to
be along any minute now.

I'm telling you
right now, O'Rourke.

You're not getting my $25

till I see what my
bride-to-be looks like.

Are you trying to say you
don't trust our taste in women?

No. We're trying to say we
don't trust your taste in anything.

I'm warning you, Dobbs...
Now, wait a minute.

The lady said she's bringing
photographs of all these girls.

Good. The last time you were
in the matchmaking business

you tried to match
me up with a lady

and I found we had only
one thing in common.

Yeah, what was that?

We both admired
Benjamin Franklin.

Only, she used to date him.

Now, hold it, Dobbs.

I'm telling you, sarge, she was
old enough to be my mother.

The one you matched
me up with was her mother.

Wait a minute, I told you
I'm gonna show pictures

so you won't be
buying a pig in a poke.

That was the second girl
he matched me up with.

I'm warning you, Dobbs.

Get lost, the both of you.

Wilton, be careful.

You could have broken
my jar of my pickles.

Don't worry, Jane.
Everything's fine.

Oh, I forgot the napkins.

I'll just be a minute.

Good afternoon, men.

You're meeting the
afternoon stage from Dodge?

That's right, sir, yes.

And who's arriving?

A matchmaker.

[GLASS SMASHES]

You... You did say a
matchmaker, didn't you?

Oh, yes. Miss
Samantha Oglesby, sir.

She's known around
here as Marrying Sam.

Her motto is the same
as the Mounted Police:

she always gets her man.

Certainly, I have no objection
to the men getting married.

But sometimes a thing like
this could get out of hand,

and the first thing you know

every unmarried
girl in Fort Courage

breaks out with
the marriage fever.

Don't you worry
about a thing, sir.

I'm sure that we can
keep Wrangler Jane

from catching this
dreaded disease.

You can trust us, sir.

Thank you.

Hi, fellas.

Who are you waiting for?

The matchmaker.

Matchmaker?

Uh, it's a Swedish fella, yeah.

It's Ollie Swenson,
makes matches.

Yes, that's right, Jane,

with these little pieces
of wood and phosphorus.

I'll explain all about it

on the way out to
the picnic grounds.

[♪♪♪]

Ah. Ha, ha.

Oh, my.

There we are. Oh, dear.

Well, now, you must
be Miss Ogelsby.

Yes, you must be
Sergeant O'Rourke.

Yes, ma'am. And
I'm Corporal Agarn.

How do you do?

Here's your money, Miss Oglesby,

and I sure do wanna
thank you, ma'am.

Not at all, Slim.

I wanna wish you
both a lot of happiness.

Thanks again.
Giddyup there, come on.

Oh, dear, just
another grateful client.

On the ride over
from Dodge, you know,

I matched him up with a lovely
mule skinner from Cheyenne.

Yes, well, you matchmakers
certainly do keep busy, huh?

We never sleep.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Now, I'll get right to
the point, O'Rourke.

Here are prospective brides
I thought it'd be just right

for those you mentioned in
your letter, Dobbs and Duffy.

Ah, good. They're
anxious to tie the knot.

Sarge. What?

AGARN: These
girls are beautiful!

Now, the dark-haired
one is from New Orleans.

She was queen of
the Cotton Carnival.

She's driving me out of
my cotton-picking mind.

Whoops. Yours is the blond.

AGARN: Oh.

She's lovely too.

Of course, I could
always see your wife

when we come over
to your house for dinner.

Glad to have you anytime...

What am I talking about?

These girls are for
Dobbs and Duffy.

You would take this
girl away from me

and give her to a
man who was dating

Ben Franklin's old sweetheart?

You're right, they're too
good for Dobbs and Duffy.

Well, you fellows
make up your minds.

I'm going in the saloon.

Yeah, well, you won't find
any single men in there.

I'm only looking for
one man: the bartender.

"Sally Jean Tyler."

"Shauna Kelly."

An Irish lass if ever I saw one.

Oh, sarge, I am in love.

So am I, Agarn, so am I.

[BOTH HUMMING WAGNER'S
"WEDDING MARCH"]

[♪♪♪]

You know, sarge,

I never thought I'd
wanna get married

until I saw Sally Jean.

Ah, well, sooner or later,

we were both gonna
make the jump.

I tell you one thing. We
could never find ourselves

two prettier girls than these.

It'd be nice to hear the patter
of little feet around the house.

We're gonna have a
dog over at our house too.

Sarge, I'm talking
about raising a family.

Oh, I was only
kidding you, Agarn.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, I'm looking forward
to raising a family myself.

Sarge, we ought to buy our
houses right next to each other.

I'd kinda like you
for a neighbor.

And I think I'd like you
for a neighbor too, Agarn.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, it's... It's gonna be great.

You and me, buddies.

Shauna and Sally, buddies.

Just one big happy family.

Just... Just gonna be great.

[♪♪♪]

[CLOCK CHIMING]

All you ever do every Sunday

is sit around here drinking beer

and looking at those
stereopticon slides.

What? These happen to
be slides of a new game

invented by a fellow named
Doubleday called baseball!

Who cares?!

I care!

So if you'll just shut up,

I'd like to watch
the rest of the game.

Well, I just invented a game,

and it's called Fix the Pump!

How do you play that?

With a wrench!

All right! A man
can't sit down to relax

after a hard week at the fort!

Ha! The only one who's had

a hard week at the fort
has been your horse.

Let him look at the slides.

He hates baseball.

Loves horseshoes,
hates baseball.

Fix the pump!

You know I'm not very
good at mechanical things.

I know that and you know that,

but Marrying Sam
didn't know that.

She didn't know about
your bathrobe either, huh?

Well, I wouldn't be
wearing this bathrobe

if I didn't have such
a cheap husband.

Look at that furniture.

Ain't nothing wrong
with that furniture.

It's antique, early American.

What do you mean antique?

We are early Americans.

All right, all right,
I'll fix the pump.

What's the matter with it?!

The water doesn't come out.

Something seems
to be stuck up there.

Well, the pump is fixed.

You did that on
purpose, you beast!

I'm sorry it spoiled
your hairdo!

Hi, neighbor.

Every time you
say, "Hi, neighbor,"

you wanna borrow
something. What is it this time?

A cup of sugar.
I'm baking a cake.

Baking a cake? Yeah.

Well, that's woman's work.

You ought to be here with
me watching the ball game.

I know that, Agarn, but I
promised the little woman

I'd help her around the
house today, that's all.

Why, you poor, henpecked soul.

A man's home is his castle,

and in his castle,
a man is king.

Look, I didn't come over
here for a cup of philosophy.

I come over for a cup of sugar.

Now what do you
wanna borrow, O'Rourke?

A cup of sugar.

He's gonna bake a cake.

Isn't that a riot? Ha, ha!

I'm not laughing.

Where's your sense of humor?

I lost it the day I carried
you over the threshold.

All I want is a cup of sugar.

You keep out of this, O'Rourke.

Yeah, you keep out of this.

He's baking cakes and
you can't even fix the pump,

you lazy clod!

Who's a clod?! You are!

When is the last time
you baked a cake?!

Don't tell me how
to run a house!

Ah, I know how you feel, Sally.

I lived with him for nine years.

Nine years together, O'Rourke,

and you never baked me a cake.

Sally, Sally, stop. Sally.
Sally, someone could get hurt.

Agarn, wake up,
wake up, wake up.

Someone could get
hurt. Sally, Sally...

Some neighbor. What?

Not only aren't you
gonna get a cup of sugar,

but I never want you to set foot

in my house as long as you live.

What?

[♪♪♪]

Wait, Agarn, I
wanna talk to you.

Barney, did you hear a voice?

Agarn.

Why, if it isn't my
neighbor, the cake baker,

who's trying to break
up my marriage.

Come on, have you gone
off your rocker or something?

Look, O'Rourke,

I saw exactly what
it's gonna be like

living next door to you.

What, in a dream?

My dreams always come true.

Well, let me tell you
something, if I was married

I can assure you, I
wouldn't do anything

to come between
you and your wife. Ha!

[NEIGHING]

Even Barney's
laughing at that one.

But if it'll make
you feel any better,

I've decided not to get married.

You have? That's right.

I mean, I'd rather be
a bachelor all my life

than let anything
break up our friendship.

Sarge, you really mean that?

I sure do.

[NEIGHING]

Now, Barney, that's not funny.
Sometimes, you go too far.

And besides, I
don't know anything

about baking cakes either.

I don't blame you, sarge.

Those two dames would
just push us around. Come on.

Wait! Where are we going?

I'm gonna stick that big
mouth Dobbs with Sally.

And don't say a word
about the robe she wears.

Wait a minute,

we're not gonna stick
anybody with these girls.

I've been thinking it over

and I've decided that horse
soldiers shouldn't be married.

I mean, wives could break
up F Troop just like that.

Sarge, you're all cavalry.

Yeah.

Why aren't you
marrying those two girls?

Well, I don't wanna be
pushed around by a wife

who wears torn moccasins
and a beat-up old robe.

How can you say
that about Sally?

She still got the beat-up robe

but she bought herself
a new pair of moccasins.

Yeah, well, now, it's nothing
against the girls, Miss Oglesby.

But we just think that
for the good of everybody,

we oughta call this whole
matchmaking thing off.

All right with me.

Picked up a new
client this afternoon.

One of the fellows in town?

No. One of the girls
in town. Wrangler Jane.

BOTH: Wrangler Jane?!

That's the one. Gonna
get that little gal married

to Captain Parmenter by sundown.

Here's to you.

Jane has hired the matchmaker?

Yes, sir, and that
Marrying Sam says

she'll have you
married by sundown.

If I may say so, sir,

I suggest you leave immediately
on an Indian scouting mission.

Where do you think I
should go, sergeant?

Sir, may I suggest scouting
the Aztecs in Mexico?

Oh, really, corporal.
The Incas in Peru?

Agarn!

Sir, it doesn't
matter where you go.

Just get on your horse
and get out of town.

Right, sergeant. Yeah. Come on.

Wait a minute,

I don't know why I should let
this woman scare me out of town.

I mean, if I'm not
ready to get married,

nothing she says is going
to make me change my mind.

Ha! That's just what the
major at Fort Bravo said.

And now he's honeymooning

with the bearded
lady from the circus.

I hope my horse is saddled.

Yeah.

Hold it, sir. What's the matter?

Here she comes.

What do I do now?

Go hide. We'll
try to stall her, sir.

Right, sergeant.

Hey, well, if you're
looking for the captain,

he just went out
on a secret mission.

I tell you, he's
not in his office...

Where did he go?

Around the side of
the building. He's safe.

Ah, good.

All right, where's
Captain Parmenter?

It's like I told you, he went
on a mission, ma'am, yes.

Yeah, with a
two-week supply of food

and an English-Aztec dictionary.

I don't believe it.

I think that little coward is
hiding someplace in the fort.

Now what would he
be hiding from, ma'am?

Well, it's the
same trouble I had

with that major at Fort Bravo.

Well, who'd want
a bride with a dowry

of a shaving mug
and a straight razor?

Wait a minute now, Ms. Oglesby,

you can't go in there.
You really... [♪♪♪]

He was in there. I heard
him jump through the window.

No, that wasn't the captain,

somebody threw a rock
through the window. What?

Every afternoon after
chow, the men throw rocks.

That's right. I throw rocks,

he throws rocks. Here.

There's the mess hall.

Oh, really.

Aah!

Now, wait a...
Agarn, it's all right.

[♪♪♪]

Now, believe me, Miss Oglesby,

the captain has gone
on a secret mission.

I won't believe that

until I have turned
this fort upside down.

But our fort is upside down.

Then I'll turn it inside out.

Miss Oglesby, you
are wasting your time.

I tell you that the
captain has gone to...

[♪♪♪]

Uh, uh... Well...

I mean, after all, if you
insist, yes, do be our guest.

Just look around.
Aha! The guardhouse!

He'd never expect me
to look for him there.

[♪♪♪]

Wilton?

Wilton?

Wilton.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[CRASHING]

Wilton, what happened?

Ugh. Uh, well, Jane,

there was something
wrong with this chandelier

and I was trying to fix it.

Aha! There you are,
Captain Parmenter.

I should have known you'd
be hiding in the chandelier.

That's where I found
that major at Fort Bravo.

Ms. Oglesby, I'd like to
have a word with Wilton.

The only word I want you
to have with Wilton is "I do."

You leave everything to me.

No, Miss Oglesby,

I want to have a
word with Wilton first.

Listen, Agarn, it's almost 4:00.

Isn't that time for the
beer-drinking contest?

You're right, sarge. Good.

Wait for me!

Now, Jane, I know
what you're going to say.

No, Wilton. I just
want to apologize

for sending Miss
Oglesby after you.

I realize you're not
the marrying kind.

And no matchmaker in the
world is ever gonna change you.

No, it isn't that I'm not
the marrying kind, Jane...

What is it?

Well, the Parmenter men
make terrible husbands.

Well, you don't have
to worry about that.

All men make terrible husbands.

But Parmenters are different.

You see, we're all military men.

Being officers
is our whole life.

And we just can't turn
it off at the end of a day.

You'd never believe
how bad it would be

being married to me.

I can see it all now.

There you are, setting
the table for dinner,

as I'm coming
home from the fort.

[♪♪♪]

Attention!

Oh.

Wilton, you startled me.

I don't know why.

You know we have
inspection every night at 6.

I keep forgetting. I'll
expect you to clean that up

and, naturally, you'll
pay for the dishes.

But I haven't finished paying
for the spinning wheel I broke.

That's tough, Jane.
You're in the Army.

Either shape up or ship out.

Yes, Wilton.

Jane, your bustle is wrinkled.

There's a reason
for that, Wilton.

I know. You've been sitting
around on your bustle all day.

But, Wilton...

We don't talk back to
commanding officers.

Yes, Wilton.

[♪♪♪]

Aha!

You call this clean?

I'm sorry, Wilton. I'm too
short to reach up there.

If you were following
my exercise instructions,

by now you could
stretch this high.

I'm sorry, Wilton, but I've
had this pain in my back.

I didn't see you at
sick call this morning.

That's because I was
trying to finish this dress

so we could go to
the dance tonight.

There will be no dance.

You're confined to quarters.

But, Wilton, you promised
me I could go to the dance.

Absolutely not. With
your wrinkled bustle,

we'd be the laughingstock
of the Officers' Club.

But, Wilton... You're
still at attention.

[SOBBING]

Jane, stop that crying.

Did you hear me, Jane?
I said stop that crying.

Jane, stop crying,
and that is an order.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, please, Jane, don't cry.

I'm sorry, Wilton.

Actually, I'm glad
you told me this,

because now I'd never
want to marry you.

You wouldn't? No.

Because I know
you wouldn't change

and I love you too much
to ever want to change you.

Jane.

Yes, Wilton?

Well, actually,
the Parmenter men

aren't really as
bad as all that.

They aren't? No, no.

My grandfather only inspected
my grandmother once a week.

Really?

And my father never
used a white glove.

He just sort of ran his
finger around the room.

What are you
trying to say, Wilton?

Well, what I'm
trying to say, Jane,

is that I think we
ought to set a date.

A date?

Yes. I think three months
from now should be about right.

Oh, Wilton, I can't believe it.

We're going to be
married in three months.

Yeah. No, no, no,

that's when we're
going to get engaged.

Why can't we get engaged today?

Well, because the Parmenter men

believe in long courtships,
long engagements,

and very long marriages.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

I'm sorry, chief, but we won't
be needing those wedding rings.

What happened?

Well, we just decided

that marriage is bad
for horse soldiers.

Ain't exactly a million
laughs for Indians either.

Sergeant O'Rourke.
Captain Parmenter.

What are you doing here?

I'd like to buy a ring.

Boy, did you come
to the right place.

I like this one.

Ah. All right, here.
Here you are, chief.

Oh.

You want change?

Yes, he does.

Captain, you bought
Janey a wedding ring.

Yeah. No. No, no.

We're working up
to that right now.

I'm just buying her
a friendship ring.

Your right hand, Jane.

Oh, well, don't
you worry, Janey,

just seven more fingers
to go and you'll be married.

Now, sarge, that is the
sweetest thing I have ever seen.

[SOBBING]

[LAUGHING]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]