F Troop (1965–1967): Season 2, Episode 26 - Guns, Guns, Who's Got the Guns? - full transcript
The Captain goes on a spy mission to find out who's selling guns to the Indians.
MAN: Pass the pie around.
Men.
Men.
Men.
All right, hold it. Hold it.
All quiet, shh.
You heard what he said.
Quiet.
We are gathered here tonight
to honor Trooper Duffy,
on the 30th anniversary
of his being
wounded at the Alamo.
That's why we're here, captain?
I hope you throw a party
for me next week, sir.
It's my second anniversary
of getting
hoof-and-mouth disease.
I think it's a very nice thing
for Captain Parmenter here,
to have this party for Duffy
and I think it's time now
that he'd like to
say a few words.
There I was at the Alamo,
shoulder to shoulder
and backs to the wall...
O'ROURKE: Not you, Duffy.
The captain.
Thank you, sergeant.
But really, all I wanted to say
was good luck to Trooper Duffy
from all of us here in F Troop.
[MEN CHEERING]
[LAUGHTER]
All right, Private Vanderbilt,
bring on the cake.
[MEN CHEERING]
[♪♪♪]
My cake.
Macintosh, help him out of here.
Okay, that's right. There.
Well...
lucky for Vanderbilt,
it was a sponge cake.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, but seriously, men,
we're not going to let this
spoil our good time, are we?
Yeah, well, certainly not, sir,
but I think that right now
a little entertainment
would be in order.
I think what the men
would enjoy most
is to hear you play
"Camptown Races"
on your spoons.
Oh, would you really?
Oh, yeah, captain.
Well, I... I just happen to have
my spoons with me.
[APPLAUSE]
And, uh... [CHUCKLES]
you never know when,
someone might offer
you a bowl of soup.
[LAUGHS]
Well, here goes. Ahem.
One, two, three, four.
[HUMMING, SPOONS CLICKING]
Doo-da, doo-da.
[HUMMING]
[LAUGHING]
Attention.
Ooh.
I am Colonel Adams of
territorial headquarters.
I'd like to speak to you
for a moment, captain.
Of course, sir.
Uh, carry on, men.
Carry on.
[♪♪♪]
I never saw that colonel before.
He must have just
arrived from Washington.
I've seen him someplace before,
but I just can't remember where.
I'll tell you straight
out, captain.
Headquarters has discovered
that Army rifles are
being sold to the Apaches.
Well, I'll be darned.
And our observations
have led us to believe
that the renegade is
a soldier in F Troop.
I can't believe it.
Well, you'd better
believe it, captain.
One of those men
in there is a traitor.
Oh, now, I'll do everything
I can to cooperate
in this investigation,
but I can assure you
that my men are innocent.
I'm telling you, Parmenter,
if you wanna keep
those captain's bars
you'd better change your tune.
Well... I can also play,
"Way Down Upon
the Swanee River."
[HUMMING, SPOONS CLICKING]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Uh, you sent for us, sir?
Uh, yes, men.
We have some serious
business to attend to.
Well, what's that, sir?
Colonel Adams, who
came in last night,
tells me that headquarters feels
one of the men in F Troop
is selling Army
rifles to the Apaches.
Oh, sir, that's impossible.
Well, I can't believe that.
I couldn't believe it either,
but this morning,
I took inventory
and I found 20 rifles missing.
Now, that is shocking.
You can't just blame
it on carelessness.
After all, a good soldier
always knows where his gun is.
Mm.
[♪♪♪]
That's 20 missing
rifles and one pistol.
Sir, maybe your pistol
is in your other pants.
No, no, corporal, no, no.
Whoever did this
has gone too far.
Now, the three of us have to be
on the alert at all times.
From now on,
every man in F Troop
is under suspicion.
[♪♪♪]
Ooh-oh.
Yaaah!
[♪♪♪]
You know, Dobbs, I still say
that Colonel Adams
looks familiar.
I know I've seen him
somewhere before.
Never mind that, Dobbs.
Give me a hand with this barrel.
[♪♪♪]
[BOTH GRUNT]
Where are we taking this stuff?
To the town dump.
[GRUNTS]
[♪♪♪]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Come in.
[SIGHS]
Did you men find out anything?
Ah, no, sir, we didn't, sir.
Well, I'm afraid
it's like looking
for a needle in a haystack.
Oh, I wish you
hadn't said that, sir.
A thing like this
is bad for morale.
Why, all morning I've
been down in the dumps.
I wish you hadn't
said that, sir.
But frankly, if one of the men
on F Troop was guilty
I thought he'd
be as easy to find
as, well, falling off a log.
I wish you hadn't
said that, sergeant.
We've been watching
every man like a hawk, sir.
There is one trooper
who may be so clever
that he's fooled us all.
A clever trooper?
Yes.
A man who may
have more intelligence
than we think, simply
because of the dumb look
he has on his face.
Oh, now, captain,
I can swear to you
it's not Corporal Agarn.
No, no, that's not the
man I was referring to.
Who has a dumb look on his face?
I was referring to
Private Vanderbilt.
How can Vanderbilt
be out selling
guns to the Indians?
He can't even
find the fort gate.
Ah, but do we really
know that, sergeant?
Has it ever occurred
to either of you
that he may be just
faking his bad eyesight?
But he sure fooled
me when he fell
into Duffy's cake last night.
That's what I mean
about being clever.
[♪♪♪]
Now, we're going to test
to see if Vanderbilt
is really faking
his bad eyesight.
That's why I've got all
the, the chicken wire,
and the barrels and
all that stuff out there.
Oh, well, that's
very clever, sir. Yes.
Yeah, that's why I sent
the rest of the troop out.
Now... Oh.
I'm going to call Vanderbilt
to come over to my office,
and we'll observe
from this window
whether or not he bumps
into any of those obstacles.
[♪♪♪]
Vanderbilt,
I'd like to see
you in my office.
Look at that, he hasn't
bumped into a thing.
AGARN: Now, that's the
first time in three years
he hasn't fallen
over the flag rail.
The first time in four years
he hasn't tripped over
those cannonballs.
Oh, sarge, our
Vandy... A traitor.
[CRIES]
Look.
[♪♪♪]
Our Vandy did it.
Well...
Vanderbilt is clean,
in more ways than one.
[BOTH LAUGH]
What a relief to
know that dumb look
is only hiding a dumb brain.
Men, we'll just have
to keep searching
for the renegade.
Ah, yes, sir. Come on, Agarn.
I wonder if it
could be... Dobbs.
Oh, now, really, corporal.
Well, he could
be blowing signals
on that bugle.
He sure ain't blowing nothing
that sounds like reveille.
Come on.
Oh, hi, Janey.
Hi, O'Rourke, Agarn.
Janey... how would
you describe me
to a stranger?
Why, I'd say that
sweet, darling corporal.
Hm.
With the dumb look on his face.
You had to ask.
I haven't seen
much of you, Wilton.
You're a sight for sore eyes.
Now you're going
to have sore lips
to go with those eyes, heh-heh.
Well, you've got to admit
that we haven't seen
much of each other lately.
That's because I've
been very busy, Jane,
on a top-secret assignment.
Oh, what's it all about?
I just told you,
Jane, it's top-secret.
Oh, Wilton, nothing
is top-secret with us.
You can tell me.
I can't, Jane. My
lips are sealed.
Well, as long as they're sealed.
[♪♪♪]
[CLEARS THROAT]
Ooh.
Colonel Adams.
[PANTS] This... Uh,
this is Wrangler Jane,
she runs the local post office.
Runs it or plays it?
Well, I'd better
be getting back.
The afternoon mail will be in.
Uh, nice meeting you, colonel.
See you later,
Captain Parmenter.
She runs the local post office?
No, she plays it.
No, I mean, right, she
runs the local post office
and the general store.
How well do you
know that young lady?
Well, we're sort of pals.
How do you know
your pal isn't the one
who's running guns
to the Apaches?
Who, Jane?
Oh, that's ridiculous.
Uh, she runs the
local post office,
she must have access
to communications
from headquarters.
Must know when gun
shipments are coming in.
Right, captain? Well...
Maybe being linked romantically
with the captain of the fort
puts her above suspicion,
right, captain? Well, yes...
Do you remember Samson
and Delilah, captain?
Well, it's true, Jane's
given me a haircut
a few times but I
never lost my strength.
Captain.
[SIGHS]
Captain Parmenter,
What makes you think this girl
isn't using you as a cover-up?
Well, for one thing,
she does an awful lot
of kissing for a
gunrunner, and then she...
PARMENTER: I just told
you, Jane, it's top-secret.
JANE: Oh, Wilton,
nothing is top-secret with us.
You can tell me.
And that's when she kissed me.
I beg your pardon.
Tonight, sir,
I will thoroughly
investigate Wrangler Jane.
But are you going to find out
if she's got any Army rifles?
Rely on me, colonel,
if she's got them,
they'll be hidden
in her room above her store.
Excuse me, I have to
make arrangements.
Right, captain.
[♪♪♪]
I tell you, sarge,
I've seen that colonel
somewhere before.
Yeah, sure, Duffy, sure.
We know all about it.
We'll talk to you later.
Men. Oh.
Men, I wonder if I could get you
to do me a favor?
Why, certainly, sir.
After it gets dark tonight,
bring a buckboard
over behind my office
and make sure you
have a ladder in it.
A ladder, sir?
Yes, one long enough to reach
Wrangler Jane's window
above her store. Shh.
Ah, yes, sir.
[LAUGHS]
[CLEARS THROAT]
Sarge, where we gonna
find a ladder that tall?
Well, there's one
right over there.
[♪♪♪]
Sarge, how do you like that?
He's going to elope.
Fellows, is that
colonel still with Wilton?
Ah, yeah, well, I think so.
Well, I've just
gotta talk to him.
He's been acting
so strange lately.
Oh, I don't think
you've got anything
to worry about, Janey.
Not when he ordered us
to get him a ladder tonight,
tall enough to
reach your window.
Oh. Ha, ha.
Oh... Yeah.
[♪♪♪]
Did you bring the rice?
Right here, sarge.
Ah, good. That's good.
[♪♪♪]
Sarge, if he don't get
that ladder up soon
he'll be carrying down
a little gray-haired old lady.
[♪♪♪]
Don't bother
carrying me, Wilton.
I'll climb down myself.
Here, let's get this.
Oh... Janey,
you make a
beautiful-looking bride.
Oh, thank you.
Where's the captain?
Wilton? Wilton?
[BELL RINGS]
[SIGHS]
Oh... gentlemen, I am...
I am very happy to announce
that Jane is not the one
who has been selling
guns to the Indians.
[CHUCKLES]
Selling guns to the Indians?
Oh, sarge...
I think we've made
a terrible mistake.
Oh, I get it.
You thought that I was coming
to get you to elope.
Well, I don't sleep
in a wedding dress every night.
Yeah, well, Janey,
a lot of girls do.
Now, Janey, look at it this way.
Everybody rehearses weddings.
Now, you're the
first girl in America
who's ever rehearsed
an elopement.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
I know it was
embarrassing, Jane,
but it was
embarrassing for me too.
Well, the least you could've
done, Wilton Parmenter,
was taken me over to
the justice of the peace,
as long as I was dressed.
Jane, we Parmenters
do not elope.
We have very formal
military weddings.
Good, I'll go get my dress.
No, no, Jane, please.
I have a lot of military
problems on my mind.
Still trying to find out
who's selling guns
to the Indians?
How did you know
that? It was top-secret.
Some knucklehead
in a captain's uniform,
climbed a ladder,
and searched my
place last night.
That's how I found out.
Oh, well, I forgot.
Heh, well, you have a
very short memory, Wilton.
Wait a minute.
Jane, what are
you doing tonight?
Nothing, just sitting
around in my wedding dress,
waiting for that
knucklehead to come back.
[GROANS]
Really, Jane, I'd like
you to do me a favor.
What's that?
Drop me off at the Hekawi Camp.
I have a feeling
those Indians might
know something.
They certainly
aren't going to tell
the commander of
Fort Courage if they did.
Hm-mm.
Well, I'm not going up there
as a cavalry captain.
[LOW VOICE] Me
go see redskin brother
dressed like redskin brother.
How.
[NORMAL VOICE] In an
Indian suit, with feathers.
Oh, Wilton.
[♪♪♪]
Hey, Wild Eagle,
what's going on?
Tonight, Hekawi tribe
having annual big affair.
This one biggest
affair of the year.
We call it Harvest Moon Dance.
Look, we didn't come up
here to discuss dancing.
We heard that
there's some Indians
trying to buy cavalry rifles.
You accusing your
friends, Hekawis,
of buying rifles?
Only tribe that ever live up
to paleface treaty.
Only tribe in
territory you can trust.
How much you want for the guns?
I knew we were
wasting our time up here.
Craze, see if you can get
some information for us.
Keep your ear to the ground.
Last time he did that,
got stepped on by a buffalo.
[GRUNTS]
Hyah.
[♪♪♪]
All right, Tommy Tomtom,
let's hear from you.
[INDIANS CHANTING]
Stop the music.
Now we have dance contest.
Choose partners.
And a-one, and a-two.
[DRUMS PLAYING]
[APPLAUSE]
[APPLAUSE]
[LOUD APPLAUSE]
[CROWD CHEERING]
Stop the music.
Me can tell him not
full-blooded Hekawi.
Him too good a dancer.
I thought he was... just fair.
Who was just fair? I mean...
[LOW VOICE] Me
get heap big applause.
Captain Parmenter!
[NORMAL VOICE] Look, chief,
one of my men has been selling guns
to the Apaches,
and I came up here
to find out who it is.
Believe me, captain,
I not know anything about guns.
[SIGHS]
Well, I guess I'd better be
getting back to the fort.
Thanks anyway, chief, heh-heh.
If soldiers see you
dressed like Indian,
may shoot you.
Oh, no. No, no.
If I get back before 10:00,
Private Vanderbilt will
still be on guard duty.
[♪♪♪]
[GRUNTS]
Nine o'clock and all is well.
[♪♪♪]
[WHISPERS] You fool, I told you
I'd meet you at
Wild Horse Canyon.
Huh?
I've got the buckboard
loaded with rifles.
The whole plan could have
blown up because of you.
Uh...
[LOW VOICE] Me
sorry. Me forget plan.
I should have known
you weren't smart enough
to follow instructions.
No wonder you gave away
Manhattan Island for $20.
Twenty-four.
Who cares?
You have all guns in buckboard?
I've got them all but one.
I've got that bumbling
Captain Parmenter's pistol here.
Me not believe you
have captain's pistol.
Oh, you don't believe?
Well, what do you think this is?
Hm.
Very... nice... pistol. Hm.
[NORMAL VOICE]
Now, Colonel Adams,
this is bumbling
Captain Parmenter
telling you to stick 'em up.
[LAUGHS]
What if I don't, Parmenter?
I'll shoot you.
Hm. With an empty pistol?
You've bumbled again, captain.
[♪♪♪]
Vanderbilt, Vanderbilt!
What is it, Agarn?
Don't let that man
out of the gate.
What did you say, Agarn?
[♪♪♪]
Good work, Vanderbilt.
You've stopped this
impostor from getting away.
[CHUCKLES]
Vanderbilt?
V-Vanderbilt?
[♪♪♪]
What's going on, sarge?
I don't know,
but that looks like an Indian.
An Indian.
Sarge, this Injun killed
the colonel and Vandy.
What? No, no, no.
Me no, me no In...
See what you can do
for the colonel and Vandy
and I'll go get
Captain Parmenter.
O'Rourke. Later, Janey.
But I'm worried about Wilton.
I got worries of my own.
He went up to the Hekawi camp
disguised as an Indian
and should have
been back by now.
I'm sure he's fine. Fine.
You said he went up
to the Hekawi camp
disguised as an Indian?
That's right.
Vandy, Vandy.
Agarn.
Forget the colonel and Vandy
and help me with this Indian.
Ah, here we go.
Up, up, up, up.
[♪♪♪]
I'm really sorry
about last night, sir,
but we thought
you were an Indian.
You were only doing your
duty as a good soldier, sergeant.
Well, I'm glad we cleared
up the mystery of the guns.
I knew it couldn't be
any man in F Troop.
I felt the same way, corporal.
Jane I wasn't so sure about.
Agarn.
Well, right about now
that imitation colonel
should be on his way to prison
for at least 10 years.
Captain. Captain Parmenter.
What is it, Duffy?
I just remembered
where I saw that Colonel Adams.
Well, where? At the Alamo.
You mean to tell me,
he soldiered with you
at the Alamo?
No, he was selling
guns to Santa Ana.
Now, he tells us.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Men.
Men.
Men.
All right, hold it. Hold it.
All quiet, shh.
You heard what he said.
Quiet.
We are gathered here tonight
to honor Trooper Duffy,
on the 30th anniversary
of his being
wounded at the Alamo.
That's why we're here, captain?
I hope you throw a party
for me next week, sir.
It's my second anniversary
of getting
hoof-and-mouth disease.
I think it's a very nice thing
for Captain Parmenter here,
to have this party for Duffy
and I think it's time now
that he'd like to
say a few words.
There I was at the Alamo,
shoulder to shoulder
and backs to the wall...
O'ROURKE: Not you, Duffy.
The captain.
Thank you, sergeant.
But really, all I wanted to say
was good luck to Trooper Duffy
from all of us here in F Troop.
[MEN CHEERING]
[LAUGHTER]
All right, Private Vanderbilt,
bring on the cake.
[MEN CHEERING]
[♪♪♪]
My cake.
Macintosh, help him out of here.
Okay, that's right. There.
Well...
lucky for Vanderbilt,
it was a sponge cake.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, but seriously, men,
we're not going to let this
spoil our good time, are we?
Yeah, well, certainly not, sir,
but I think that right now
a little entertainment
would be in order.
I think what the men
would enjoy most
is to hear you play
"Camptown Races"
on your spoons.
Oh, would you really?
Oh, yeah, captain.
Well, I... I just happen to have
my spoons with me.
[APPLAUSE]
And, uh... [CHUCKLES]
you never know when,
someone might offer
you a bowl of soup.
[LAUGHS]
Well, here goes. Ahem.
One, two, three, four.
[HUMMING, SPOONS CLICKING]
Doo-da, doo-da.
[HUMMING]
[LAUGHING]
Attention.
Ooh.
I am Colonel Adams of
territorial headquarters.
I'd like to speak to you
for a moment, captain.
Of course, sir.
Uh, carry on, men.
Carry on.
[♪♪♪]
I never saw that colonel before.
He must have just
arrived from Washington.
I've seen him someplace before,
but I just can't remember where.
I'll tell you straight
out, captain.
Headquarters has discovered
that Army rifles are
being sold to the Apaches.
Well, I'll be darned.
And our observations
have led us to believe
that the renegade is
a soldier in F Troop.
I can't believe it.
Well, you'd better
believe it, captain.
One of those men
in there is a traitor.
Oh, now, I'll do everything
I can to cooperate
in this investigation,
but I can assure you
that my men are innocent.
I'm telling you, Parmenter,
if you wanna keep
those captain's bars
you'd better change your tune.
Well... I can also play,
"Way Down Upon
the Swanee River."
[HUMMING, SPOONS CLICKING]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Uh, you sent for us, sir?
Uh, yes, men.
We have some serious
business to attend to.
Well, what's that, sir?
Colonel Adams, who
came in last night,
tells me that headquarters feels
one of the men in F Troop
is selling Army
rifles to the Apaches.
Oh, sir, that's impossible.
Well, I can't believe that.
I couldn't believe it either,
but this morning,
I took inventory
and I found 20 rifles missing.
Now, that is shocking.
You can't just blame
it on carelessness.
After all, a good soldier
always knows where his gun is.
Mm.
[♪♪♪]
That's 20 missing
rifles and one pistol.
Sir, maybe your pistol
is in your other pants.
No, no, corporal, no, no.
Whoever did this
has gone too far.
Now, the three of us have to be
on the alert at all times.
From now on,
every man in F Troop
is under suspicion.
[♪♪♪]
Ooh-oh.
Yaaah!
[♪♪♪]
You know, Dobbs, I still say
that Colonel Adams
looks familiar.
I know I've seen him
somewhere before.
Never mind that, Dobbs.
Give me a hand with this barrel.
[♪♪♪]
[BOTH GRUNT]
Where are we taking this stuff?
To the town dump.
[GRUNTS]
[♪♪♪]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Come in.
[SIGHS]
Did you men find out anything?
Ah, no, sir, we didn't, sir.
Well, I'm afraid
it's like looking
for a needle in a haystack.
Oh, I wish you
hadn't said that, sir.
A thing like this
is bad for morale.
Why, all morning I've
been down in the dumps.
I wish you hadn't
said that, sir.
But frankly, if one of the men
on F Troop was guilty
I thought he'd
be as easy to find
as, well, falling off a log.
I wish you hadn't
said that, sergeant.
We've been watching
every man like a hawk, sir.
There is one trooper
who may be so clever
that he's fooled us all.
A clever trooper?
Yes.
A man who may
have more intelligence
than we think, simply
because of the dumb look
he has on his face.
Oh, now, captain,
I can swear to you
it's not Corporal Agarn.
No, no, that's not the
man I was referring to.
Who has a dumb look on his face?
I was referring to
Private Vanderbilt.
How can Vanderbilt
be out selling
guns to the Indians?
He can't even
find the fort gate.
Ah, but do we really
know that, sergeant?
Has it ever occurred
to either of you
that he may be just
faking his bad eyesight?
But he sure fooled
me when he fell
into Duffy's cake last night.
That's what I mean
about being clever.
[♪♪♪]
Now, we're going to test
to see if Vanderbilt
is really faking
his bad eyesight.
That's why I've got all
the, the chicken wire,
and the barrels and
all that stuff out there.
Oh, well, that's
very clever, sir. Yes.
Yeah, that's why I sent
the rest of the troop out.
Now... Oh.
I'm going to call Vanderbilt
to come over to my office,
and we'll observe
from this window
whether or not he bumps
into any of those obstacles.
[♪♪♪]
Vanderbilt,
I'd like to see
you in my office.
Look at that, he hasn't
bumped into a thing.
AGARN: Now, that's the
first time in three years
he hasn't fallen
over the flag rail.
The first time in four years
he hasn't tripped over
those cannonballs.
Oh, sarge, our
Vandy... A traitor.
[CRIES]
Look.
[♪♪♪]
Our Vandy did it.
Well...
Vanderbilt is clean,
in more ways than one.
[BOTH LAUGH]
What a relief to
know that dumb look
is only hiding a dumb brain.
Men, we'll just have
to keep searching
for the renegade.
Ah, yes, sir. Come on, Agarn.
I wonder if it
could be... Dobbs.
Oh, now, really, corporal.
Well, he could
be blowing signals
on that bugle.
He sure ain't blowing nothing
that sounds like reveille.
Come on.
Oh, hi, Janey.
Hi, O'Rourke, Agarn.
Janey... how would
you describe me
to a stranger?
Why, I'd say that
sweet, darling corporal.
Hm.
With the dumb look on his face.
You had to ask.
I haven't seen
much of you, Wilton.
You're a sight for sore eyes.
Now you're going
to have sore lips
to go with those eyes, heh-heh.
Well, you've got to admit
that we haven't seen
much of each other lately.
That's because I've
been very busy, Jane,
on a top-secret assignment.
Oh, what's it all about?
I just told you,
Jane, it's top-secret.
Oh, Wilton, nothing
is top-secret with us.
You can tell me.
I can't, Jane. My
lips are sealed.
Well, as long as they're sealed.
[♪♪♪]
[CLEARS THROAT]
Ooh.
Colonel Adams.
[PANTS] This... Uh,
this is Wrangler Jane,
she runs the local post office.
Runs it or plays it?
Well, I'd better
be getting back.
The afternoon mail will be in.
Uh, nice meeting you, colonel.
See you later,
Captain Parmenter.
She runs the local post office?
No, she plays it.
No, I mean, right, she
runs the local post office
and the general store.
How well do you
know that young lady?
Well, we're sort of pals.
How do you know
your pal isn't the one
who's running guns
to the Apaches?
Who, Jane?
Oh, that's ridiculous.
Uh, she runs the
local post office,
she must have access
to communications
from headquarters.
Must know when gun
shipments are coming in.
Right, captain? Well...
Maybe being linked romantically
with the captain of the fort
puts her above suspicion,
right, captain? Well, yes...
Do you remember Samson
and Delilah, captain?
Well, it's true, Jane's
given me a haircut
a few times but I
never lost my strength.
Captain.
[SIGHS]
Captain Parmenter,
What makes you think this girl
isn't using you as a cover-up?
Well, for one thing,
she does an awful lot
of kissing for a
gunrunner, and then she...
PARMENTER: I just told
you, Jane, it's top-secret.
JANE: Oh, Wilton,
nothing is top-secret with us.
You can tell me.
And that's when she kissed me.
I beg your pardon.
Tonight, sir,
I will thoroughly
investigate Wrangler Jane.
But are you going to find out
if she's got any Army rifles?
Rely on me, colonel,
if she's got them,
they'll be hidden
in her room above her store.
Excuse me, I have to
make arrangements.
Right, captain.
[♪♪♪]
I tell you, sarge,
I've seen that colonel
somewhere before.
Yeah, sure, Duffy, sure.
We know all about it.
We'll talk to you later.
Men. Oh.
Men, I wonder if I could get you
to do me a favor?
Why, certainly, sir.
After it gets dark tonight,
bring a buckboard
over behind my office
and make sure you
have a ladder in it.
A ladder, sir?
Yes, one long enough to reach
Wrangler Jane's window
above her store. Shh.
Ah, yes, sir.
[LAUGHS]
[CLEARS THROAT]
Sarge, where we gonna
find a ladder that tall?
Well, there's one
right over there.
[♪♪♪]
Sarge, how do you like that?
He's going to elope.
Fellows, is that
colonel still with Wilton?
Ah, yeah, well, I think so.
Well, I've just
gotta talk to him.
He's been acting
so strange lately.
Oh, I don't think
you've got anything
to worry about, Janey.
Not when he ordered us
to get him a ladder tonight,
tall enough to
reach your window.
Oh. Ha, ha.
Oh... Yeah.
[♪♪♪]
Did you bring the rice?
Right here, sarge.
Ah, good. That's good.
[♪♪♪]
Sarge, if he don't get
that ladder up soon
he'll be carrying down
a little gray-haired old lady.
[♪♪♪]
Don't bother
carrying me, Wilton.
I'll climb down myself.
Here, let's get this.
Oh... Janey,
you make a
beautiful-looking bride.
Oh, thank you.
Where's the captain?
Wilton? Wilton?
[BELL RINGS]
[SIGHS]
Oh... gentlemen, I am...
I am very happy to announce
that Jane is not the one
who has been selling
guns to the Indians.
[CHUCKLES]
Selling guns to the Indians?
Oh, sarge...
I think we've made
a terrible mistake.
Oh, I get it.
You thought that I was coming
to get you to elope.
Well, I don't sleep
in a wedding dress every night.
Yeah, well, Janey,
a lot of girls do.
Now, Janey, look at it this way.
Everybody rehearses weddings.
Now, you're the
first girl in America
who's ever rehearsed
an elopement.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
I know it was
embarrassing, Jane,
but it was
embarrassing for me too.
Well, the least you could've
done, Wilton Parmenter,
was taken me over to
the justice of the peace,
as long as I was dressed.
Jane, we Parmenters
do not elope.
We have very formal
military weddings.
Good, I'll go get my dress.
No, no, Jane, please.
I have a lot of military
problems on my mind.
Still trying to find out
who's selling guns
to the Indians?
How did you know
that? It was top-secret.
Some knucklehead
in a captain's uniform,
climbed a ladder,
and searched my
place last night.
That's how I found out.
Oh, well, I forgot.
Heh, well, you have a
very short memory, Wilton.
Wait a minute.
Jane, what are
you doing tonight?
Nothing, just sitting
around in my wedding dress,
waiting for that
knucklehead to come back.
[GROANS]
Really, Jane, I'd like
you to do me a favor.
What's that?
Drop me off at the Hekawi Camp.
I have a feeling
those Indians might
know something.
They certainly
aren't going to tell
the commander of
Fort Courage if they did.
Hm-mm.
Well, I'm not going up there
as a cavalry captain.
[LOW VOICE] Me
go see redskin brother
dressed like redskin brother.
How.
[NORMAL VOICE] In an
Indian suit, with feathers.
Oh, Wilton.
[♪♪♪]
Hey, Wild Eagle,
what's going on?
Tonight, Hekawi tribe
having annual big affair.
This one biggest
affair of the year.
We call it Harvest Moon Dance.
Look, we didn't come up
here to discuss dancing.
We heard that
there's some Indians
trying to buy cavalry rifles.
You accusing your
friends, Hekawis,
of buying rifles?
Only tribe that ever live up
to paleface treaty.
Only tribe in
territory you can trust.
How much you want for the guns?
I knew we were
wasting our time up here.
Craze, see if you can get
some information for us.
Keep your ear to the ground.
Last time he did that,
got stepped on by a buffalo.
[GRUNTS]
Hyah.
[♪♪♪]
All right, Tommy Tomtom,
let's hear from you.
[INDIANS CHANTING]
Stop the music.
Now we have dance contest.
Choose partners.
And a-one, and a-two.
[DRUMS PLAYING]
[APPLAUSE]
[APPLAUSE]
[LOUD APPLAUSE]
[CROWD CHEERING]
Stop the music.
Me can tell him not
full-blooded Hekawi.
Him too good a dancer.
I thought he was... just fair.
Who was just fair? I mean...
[LOW VOICE] Me
get heap big applause.
Captain Parmenter!
[NORMAL VOICE] Look, chief,
one of my men has been selling guns
to the Apaches,
and I came up here
to find out who it is.
Believe me, captain,
I not know anything about guns.
[SIGHS]
Well, I guess I'd better be
getting back to the fort.
Thanks anyway, chief, heh-heh.
If soldiers see you
dressed like Indian,
may shoot you.
Oh, no. No, no.
If I get back before 10:00,
Private Vanderbilt will
still be on guard duty.
[♪♪♪]
[GRUNTS]
Nine o'clock and all is well.
[♪♪♪]
[WHISPERS] You fool, I told you
I'd meet you at
Wild Horse Canyon.
Huh?
I've got the buckboard
loaded with rifles.
The whole plan could have
blown up because of you.
Uh...
[LOW VOICE] Me
sorry. Me forget plan.
I should have known
you weren't smart enough
to follow instructions.
No wonder you gave away
Manhattan Island for $20.
Twenty-four.
Who cares?
You have all guns in buckboard?
I've got them all but one.
I've got that bumbling
Captain Parmenter's pistol here.
Me not believe you
have captain's pistol.
Oh, you don't believe?
Well, what do you think this is?
Hm.
Very... nice... pistol. Hm.
[NORMAL VOICE]
Now, Colonel Adams,
this is bumbling
Captain Parmenter
telling you to stick 'em up.
[LAUGHS]
What if I don't, Parmenter?
I'll shoot you.
Hm. With an empty pistol?
You've bumbled again, captain.
[♪♪♪]
Vanderbilt, Vanderbilt!
What is it, Agarn?
Don't let that man
out of the gate.
What did you say, Agarn?
[♪♪♪]
Good work, Vanderbilt.
You've stopped this
impostor from getting away.
[CHUCKLES]
Vanderbilt?
V-Vanderbilt?
[♪♪♪]
What's going on, sarge?
I don't know,
but that looks like an Indian.
An Indian.
Sarge, this Injun killed
the colonel and Vandy.
What? No, no, no.
Me no, me no In...
See what you can do
for the colonel and Vandy
and I'll go get
Captain Parmenter.
O'Rourke. Later, Janey.
But I'm worried about Wilton.
I got worries of my own.
He went up to the Hekawi camp
disguised as an Indian
and should have
been back by now.
I'm sure he's fine. Fine.
You said he went up
to the Hekawi camp
disguised as an Indian?
That's right.
Vandy, Vandy.
Agarn.
Forget the colonel and Vandy
and help me with this Indian.
Ah, here we go.
Up, up, up, up.
[♪♪♪]
I'm really sorry
about last night, sir,
but we thought
you were an Indian.
You were only doing your
duty as a good soldier, sergeant.
Well, I'm glad we cleared
up the mystery of the guns.
I knew it couldn't be
any man in F Troop.
I felt the same way, corporal.
Jane I wasn't so sure about.
Agarn.
Well, right about now
that imitation colonel
should be on his way to prison
for at least 10 years.
Captain. Captain Parmenter.
What is it, Duffy?
I just remembered
where I saw that Colonel Adams.
Well, where? At the Alamo.
You mean to tell me,
he soldiered with you
at the Alamo?
No, he was selling
guns to Santa Ana.
Now, he tells us.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]