F Troop (1965–1967): Season 2, Episode 24 - The Day They Shot Agarn - full transcript
When Agarn is tasked with escorting a prisoner to prison, the man escapes. When Agarn reports what happened, a Major tells them that regulations say that Agarn must now take the man's place in prison. O'Rourke goes out to find the man and they learn that the man killed O'Rourke, so now Agarn must be executed.
[♪♪♪]
[SIGHS]
It's a shame we
had to wake him up.
Just for this.
♪ Today they shoot Agarn ♪
♪ Wipe that tear From your eye ♪
♪ Soon Agarn will head ♪
♪ For that big fort In the sky ♪
PARMENTER: About-face.
Forward, march.
Agarn, you're supposed to
stand with your back to the pole.
By myself?
Here comes Major Hewitt, sir.
Good morning, men.
Well, here it is, sunrise.
Well, are you sure, sir?
The... The sun
could be a little fast.
Captain, let's get started. I
haven't had my breakfast yet.
Trooper, read the
sentence of the tribunal.
"On this day, sentence of
execution by firing squad,
"will be carried out on one
Corporal Randolph Agarn.
"The said Corporal Agarn,
having been judged responsible
for the death of one
Sergeant Morgan O'Rourke."
♪ They say he has murdered ♪
♪ His good buddy and friend ♪
♪ Today they shoot Agarn ♪
♪ Oh, it looks like the end ♪
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Proceed, captain.
So soon?
Captain Parmenter, I
know this isn't easy for you.
But we of the
Adjutant-General's office,
try to look upon it as
merely one of the
more unpleasant aspects
of military life.
Like K.P.
Yes, sir. K.P.
And the sooner that
you get it over with,
the sooner you've
done your duty.
Duty. And when duty calls,
a good officer is always ready.
Ready.
No, no, no! Not
ready. Not ready.
Oh, do get on with it, captain.
Yes, sir.
[SNARE DRUM PLAYING]
I wish we could
trade places, corporal.
Well, I could put on your hat.
What am I saying?
I could be shot for
impersonating an officer.
Huh.
Then I guess this is farewell.
Captain, ain't you
supposed to ask me
if I have any last requests?
Oh! Oh, yes, yes. Thank you.
Thank you for reminding me.
Do you have any last requests?
Nah.
Captain, all this week,
I've been practicing my taps.
Dobbs, I hardly think this
is the occasion for dancing.
I meant the bugle call, sir.
That comes afterwards.
Corporal Agarn
requested it, sir.
He said my playing was the
last thing he wanted to hear.
[PLAYS BUGLE CALL]
[PLAYS OUT OF TUNE]
Thanks, Dobbs.
Captain, a blindfold is
customary on these occasions.
Oh. Yes. Yes, sir.
Captain. Yes, major?
The blindfold goes
on the prisoner.
Oh. Of course. I...
I was just testing.
Trooper, you do it.
Yes, sir.
How could a thing like
this have happened?
I don't know, Dobbs.
It all seemed so
innocent at the beginning.
I remember, it was
just like any other day.
Oh, uh, captain, sir.
Oh.
Good morning. Good morning.
DUFFY: Captain.
Three riders are
approaching the gate, sir.
Oh, that must be Major Hewitt,
along with a military
guard, and the prisoner.
Oh.
One of them did look
kind of mean and surly.
That's Major Hewitt, all right.
Welcome to Fort
Courage, Major Hewitt.
Thought we'd never make it.
Delaney tried to
escape three times.
Four. But who's counting?
What happened to him?
Well, he and Delaney
had a little to-do.
Looks like his
to-do got too done.
Go along to dispensary.
You're relieved of duty.
Captain, I'm gonna need
one of your men tomorrow,
to escort this prisoner
the rest of the way
to the Territorial Prison.
What did he do, major?
He stole military goods,
sold rifles to the Indians,
destroyed government
property and tried to desert.
They gave him life imprisonment.
Not only that, but they took
away my good conduct medal.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
I want him watched
very carefully.
He's sly, tricky, and as
sneaky as you can be.
Well, he won't put
anything over on us.
[CHUCKLES]
Howdy, Wilton. Are you busy?
Uh, yes, I am, Jane.
Oh, uh... Major Hewitt,
this is Jane Angelica Thrift.
Jane runs our general store.
Howdy, major.
Question is, does
Miss Jane serve majors
in the general store?
Only in private.
[LAUGHS]
I just thought I'd throw in
a little military humor there.
I won't introduce you
to this other fellow, Jane.
What other fellow?
You fools, you let him get away!
Is that him?
Vanderbilt, stop that man.
What man?
Pardon me, sir,
but did you see...?
Hey! Hey.
Good work, trooper.
I'm glad to see somebody
around here has eagle eyes.
Now, I won't ask for a volunteer
to escort Delaney to prison.
I've numbered these pieces
of paper in here from 1 to 17.
And whoever picks
the high number, 17,
will accompany the prisoner.
Now, we'll go by rank.
Sergeant, you go first.
Oh, yes, sir. Yes, sir.
All right, let's see here,
now. I got, uh... I got 16.
Uh, huh. Corporal? Heh.
Now, let me look at
this mathematically.
The sarge picked number 16,
which leaves 16
numbers in there.
So mathematically,
it's one in 16
that I'll pick the high number,
or roughly, a six
percent chance.
Pretty good odds, I'd say.
I'll leave immediately.
Troop, dismissed.
Congratulations, corporal.
How come I never win on raffles?
Now listen, you just be on
your guard against that Delaney.
Me?
Sarge, vigilance
is my middle name.
Oh... Uh, here are your orders.
They'll be safe with me, sir.
You'd better get your
prisoner, and be on your way.
Yes, sir.
Well.
Uh... captain, uh...
Are you sure that he
can handle this Delaney?
Wel, you heard him, sergeant.
Vigilance is his middle name.
I know, but his last
name is still Agarn.
I mean, I'd feel a lot better if
someone else went along too.
Well...
I mean, you know, just as
an extra precaution. Hmm?
You're absolutely
right, sergeant. Ahh.
And I know just
the man to go along.
Ah, yes, sir.
Take good care of
the Fort while I'm gone.
Oh, and sergeant, uh, have
the men police up the area.
Well, time to turn in.
Yeah, I can hardly wait
for us all to go beddy-bye.
Don't get your
hopes up, Delaney.
I've thought of everything.
Captain, sir, another
pair of handcuffs in there.
Would you mind getting them?
Yeah, what's this for?
You and him, sir.
Double protection. Oh.
Now, that's good
cavalry thinking, corporal.
Well, let's try and
get some sleep.
I'm cold. I want a blanket.
Yeah. Don't you
move. I'll get it.
The captain told
you not to move.
Hey, I can't sleep like this.
Tough.
Now I can sleep.
Well, I'm afraid I can't.
I have to sleep on my stomach.
You better forget it, captain.
Wait, I've got an idea.
Pardon me.
Pardon me.
Pardon me.
I've gotta sleep on my back.
I gotta sleep on my side. Uhh.
Wait, I've got another idea.
Here. Uh, pardon me.
Pardon me. Uh, pardon me.
All right, now what?
There.
That's why he's a
captain and I'm a corporal.
Morning. Morning.
Good... morning.
You know, captain,
there's something about
sleeping under the stars,
with the sky for your blanket,
the earth for your mattress,
that makes you...
ache and pain all over.
Corporal, I suggest we
take off these handcuffs now.
I didn't bring the key.
You didn't bring the key?
I thought you brought
the key. No, I didn't bring it.
I thought you brought it.
Don't look at me,
I didn't bring it.
Delaney, can you... pick a lock?
A lock, yes. Handcuffs, no.
This is a fine time
not to be sneaky.
Now don't anybody panic.
I'll think of something.
Well?
I can't think of
anything. Now we panic.
Indians.
No, it's not Indians.
It's Wild Eagle, and Crazy Cat.
Chief, what are you
shooting at us for?
We think you buffalo.
Oh, come on, chief.
Do I look like a buffalo?
Buffalo are stupid,
shaggy-haired and beady-eyed.
You keep talking, you
end up on dinner table.
Who him? Oh, he's a prisoner.
Corporal Agarn's
taking him to jail.
Him not look like nice man.
Him ain't.
How come you hold hands?
No, no. No, no.
These are handcuffs.
You see, Corporal Agarn
thought that I brought the key,
and I thought that
Corporal Agarn brought it.
AGARN: No, captain. You
got it the other way around.
You thought that
I brought the key,
and I thought that
you brought the key.
Well, anyway, can
you help us out, chief?
Me not bring key either.
Me use this. Me use this.
You so clumsy, you
might scalp wrist.
Here? Cut, cut.
Now drop your gun belt, Agarn.
Oh, yes, sir.
Now we're gonna get out of
here, and if you try to follow,
Agarn here's
going on a lead diet.
Promise me,
fellows, don't follow.
Don't follow.
Delaney, hold up. Slow down.
Come on, come on, Delaney.
Hold up. Delaney, slow it down.
How about for a while,
I ride and you walk.
Heh, heh. Fat chance.
Hey, there's somebody coming.
Oh, good.
I knew the captain
would send help.
Hey, you. Hey! Hold on there.
Didn't you see us?
Yep, but I thought
you was a mirage.
We're real, all right.
I'm Corporal Agarn.
My name's Hackett.
Clem Hackett.
How do you do,
sir? Not very well.
I just found the
Lost Dutchman Mine.
Only, I... I lost it again.
Well, I'm Corporal Agarn...
I marked it on a map.
Only, I lost that too.
Well, I'm Corporal
Agarn... I left it in the mine.
Will you listen to me, please?
Why should I listen to a man,
who ain't introduced hisself?
Well, I'm Corporal
Agarn, U.S. Cavalry.
This man is my prisoner,
and I need your help to get
him to the next nearest town.
That would be Dry Gulch.
Well, then, take
us to Dry Gulch.
I can't. It's flooded.
Well then, what's the
next nearest town?
There ain't none.
Uh, wait a minute, old-timer.
You're not gonna put any stock
into what this
liar says, are you?
What are you jawing about?
Well, the fact of the matter
is, I'm Corporal Agarn,
and this man is my prisoner.
But this here
fellow says that he...
You can't take the
word of a prisoner.
I'm not the prisoner.
He is.
He is.
Well, I'm gonna settle
this, once and for all.
I am Corporal Agarn,
and here are my...
Here are my orders.
Yep, reckon you're the corporal.
You got them upside down.
Makes no never mind.
I can't read anyhow.
He stole those papers.
Besides, what other proof
does he have that he's me?
Yeah, what other proof do
you have that you're him?
Now look, if I'm the prisoner
and he's the corporal,
how come I'm riding
and he's walking?
He could be stupid.
I am not stupid.
That settles it.
He's the corporal.
Will you break these
chains right away?
I wanna get this man to
prison as fast as possible.
When did you get those papers?
Last night, when
you were asleep.
How low can you get?
Breaking into a man's uniform.
I used to sharpen
my pick with this.
What do you mean, used to?
I left my pick in
that danged mine.
Major.
Major, the Territorial Prison
reports that Matt Delaney
was never delivered to them.
It looks bad, sir.
I'm afraid that
Delaney has escaped.
Probably broke his handcuffs,
and then killed Agarn.
For Agarn's sake, I hope so.
Corporal Agarn reporting, sir.
Agarn.
Thank heavens you're all right.
Where's Delaney?
He escaped.
Oh, it's a shame you
lost the prisoner, corporal,
but accidents will happen.
That's right, captain.
You lose one, you find one.
Not quite as simple
as all that, corporal.
"When an escorting trooper
allows a prisoner to escape,
"the trooper must finish out
the prisoner's
sentence in his stead."
That's according to
AR63-379, Subheading B.
That's not what
it says here, sir.
What does it say there?
It's not Subheading
B, it's Subheading C.
What edition do you have?
1866. '67.
Does that mean, sir, that...
Corporal Agarn has to
go to the Territorial Prison
for the rest of his
life? No. Only 99 years.
Captain, you will strip
the prisoner of his rank.
Yes, sir.
I'm sorry, corporal.
I'll... have to
have your stripes.
Pssst.
Hiya, Dobbs.
Look in my bugle.
There's a file in it. No
wonder you play so bad.
Somebody's coming.
Hey, Agarn.
Hi, Duffy.
What's new in the outside world?
They captured the Alamo.
That I heard.
Look what I brought you.
It'll come in handy. In prison?
I'll have the saws I need.
They make you learn a trade.
I don't want it. Take it.
I don't want it. Take it.
Yes. No.
Yes. No.
Yes. No.
Yes. No.
Yes. No.
Now look what you've done.
Shhh. Somebody's coming.
Hi, Agarn. Hi, sarge.
How are you feeling? Miserable.
You'd think after all
these years of soldiering,
some of my buddies
would help me escape.
Escape is not the answer.
The thing we've got to
do is get that Delaney.
They'll never catch
him. I'll just rot in prison.
Yeah, well you may rot, but
it's not gonna be in any prison,
because I'm gonna go get him.
Sarge, you'd do
that for me? Why?
Well, because I can't
run O'Rourke Enterprises
without your conniving,
scheming, shifty help.
You could always train Dobbs.
Yeah, I never thought of that.
Never mind.
Go get him, sarge.
[HORSE WHINNIES]
Still warm, huh? What...?
Oh, I should have known better,
than to fall for that old
warm campfire trick.
O'Rourke, you see
that drop over there?
Here's something
else you'll fall for.
I'll come and see you
on visiting days, corporal.
Thanks, captain.
And if my mother
writes you about me,
tell her I'm on a
secret mission. For life.
Well, let's get going. We
got a long way to travel.
Major, a rider just
brought this for you.
Oh? Well, well.
Is it about Corporal
Agarn, sir? Yes, it is.
He doesn't have to go to
prison in Delaney's place.
Did you hear that, captain?
I don't have to go to
prison in Delaney's place.
He has to get shot
in Delaney's place.
Did you hear that, captain?
I gotta get shot... Shot?
Agarn is still
legally responsible
for Delaney's actions,
and Delaney has
now killed somebody.
This gun belt that he
took away from Agarn
was found at the
scene of the murder.
Major, who was killed?
The late Sergeant
Morgan O'Rourke.
The sarge? I don't believe it.
Neither do I. Never.
This hat was found at the
base of a thousand-foot cliff.
It's all that was left.
Remember, Agarn,
no fair peeking.
I know.
Any last words, Agarn?
All I wanna say is:
I went to prison
in Delaney's place,
I'm gonna be shot
in Delaney's place,
and pretty soon,
I'll be pushing up
daisies in Delaney's place.
So these are my last words:
All in all, it's hardly been
worthwhile knowing him.
And furthermore,
I'd like to say...
Don't you think you said enough?
No. Because when I stop
talking, you'll start shooting.
Give the order, captain.
I really don't think I can, sir.
Captain, give the order,
or the second thing I'm gonna
do is strip you of your rank.
What's the first thing?
I'll give the order.
Ready.
Aim.
O'ROURKE: Captain.
Captain.
What's going on here?
We're shooting Agarn.
But you can't do that, sir.
Sergeant. You're alive.
Well, of course I'm alive, sir.
You say that you are, but
can you prove it in court?
Delaney, here, tried
to push me off a cliff,
but I got away just in time.
All he shot was my
hat. Then I grabbed him.
Well, you got here just in time.
We were going to shoot
Agarn in Delaney's place,
and I was just
about to say fire...
[GUNSHOTS]
Ahhh!
Oh, what have I
done? Poor Agarn.
Oh, no, no. It's all right.
He's not wounded, sir.
I think he's just
probably fainted.
Hey, here we go.
Sarge, I knew we'd meet again.
Hi, buddy.
Are we in heaven,
or that other place?
We're right here
in Fort Courage.
Boy, once the Army gets
you, they never let you let go.
No, no. You're not
dead, and neither am I.
Here. Look here.
Heh, heh. Really?
I just don't understand.
What, you don't
understand what, sir?
Well, if the whole
firing squad missed him,
where did all the bullets go?
♪ They didn't shoot Agarn ♪
♪ No, that wasn't his fate ♪
♪ 'Cause no one in F Troop ♪
♪ Ever learned
to Shoot straight ♪
Captain, Delaney's
in prison, right?
That's right, corporal.
And Major Hewitt is
back in Washington, right?
I put him on a stage myself.
And all the troopers are back
on duty patching the water tank.
And we three are
here talking, right?
Yeah. Well, what
are you getting at?
Well, who's doing
all the singing?
♪ Things happen at F Troop ♪
♪ That you wouldn't believe ♪
What are you doing there?
Hey, you're singing on
government property.
Come on, come on,
come on. Scat, scat.
♪ So farewell to Fort Courage ♪
♪ Now I think I should leave ♪
[♪♪♪]
[BUGLE PLAYS "CHARGE"]
[SIGHS]
It's a shame we
had to wake him up.
Just for this.
♪ Today they shoot Agarn ♪
♪ Wipe that tear From your eye ♪
♪ Soon Agarn will head ♪
♪ For that big fort In the sky ♪
PARMENTER: About-face.
Forward, march.
Agarn, you're supposed to
stand with your back to the pole.
By myself?
Here comes Major Hewitt, sir.
Good morning, men.
Well, here it is, sunrise.
Well, are you sure, sir?
The... The sun
could be a little fast.
Captain, let's get started. I
haven't had my breakfast yet.
Trooper, read the
sentence of the tribunal.
"On this day, sentence of
execution by firing squad,
"will be carried out on one
Corporal Randolph Agarn.
"The said Corporal Agarn,
having been judged responsible
for the death of one
Sergeant Morgan O'Rourke."
♪ They say he has murdered ♪
♪ His good buddy and friend ♪
♪ Today they shoot Agarn ♪
♪ Oh, it looks like the end ♪
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Proceed, captain.
So soon?
Captain Parmenter, I
know this isn't easy for you.
But we of the
Adjutant-General's office,
try to look upon it as
merely one of the
more unpleasant aspects
of military life.
Like K.P.
Yes, sir. K.P.
And the sooner that
you get it over with,
the sooner you've
done your duty.
Duty. And when duty calls,
a good officer is always ready.
Ready.
No, no, no! Not
ready. Not ready.
Oh, do get on with it, captain.
Yes, sir.
[SNARE DRUM PLAYING]
I wish we could
trade places, corporal.
Well, I could put on your hat.
What am I saying?
I could be shot for
impersonating an officer.
Huh.
Then I guess this is farewell.
Captain, ain't you
supposed to ask me
if I have any last requests?
Oh! Oh, yes, yes. Thank you.
Thank you for reminding me.
Do you have any last requests?
Nah.
Captain, all this week,
I've been practicing my taps.
Dobbs, I hardly think this
is the occasion for dancing.
I meant the bugle call, sir.
That comes afterwards.
Corporal Agarn
requested it, sir.
He said my playing was the
last thing he wanted to hear.
[PLAYS BUGLE CALL]
[PLAYS OUT OF TUNE]
Thanks, Dobbs.
Captain, a blindfold is
customary on these occasions.
Oh. Yes. Yes, sir.
Captain. Yes, major?
The blindfold goes
on the prisoner.
Oh. Of course. I...
I was just testing.
Trooper, you do it.
Yes, sir.
How could a thing like
this have happened?
I don't know, Dobbs.
It all seemed so
innocent at the beginning.
I remember, it was
just like any other day.
Oh, uh, captain, sir.
Oh.
Good morning. Good morning.
DUFFY: Captain.
Three riders are
approaching the gate, sir.
Oh, that must be Major Hewitt,
along with a military
guard, and the prisoner.
Oh.
One of them did look
kind of mean and surly.
That's Major Hewitt, all right.
Welcome to Fort
Courage, Major Hewitt.
Thought we'd never make it.
Delaney tried to
escape three times.
Four. But who's counting?
What happened to him?
Well, he and Delaney
had a little to-do.
Looks like his
to-do got too done.
Go along to dispensary.
You're relieved of duty.
Captain, I'm gonna need
one of your men tomorrow,
to escort this prisoner
the rest of the way
to the Territorial Prison.
What did he do, major?
He stole military goods,
sold rifles to the Indians,
destroyed government
property and tried to desert.
They gave him life imprisonment.
Not only that, but they took
away my good conduct medal.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
I want him watched
very carefully.
He's sly, tricky, and as
sneaky as you can be.
Well, he won't put
anything over on us.
[CHUCKLES]
Howdy, Wilton. Are you busy?
Uh, yes, I am, Jane.
Oh, uh... Major Hewitt,
this is Jane Angelica Thrift.
Jane runs our general store.
Howdy, major.
Question is, does
Miss Jane serve majors
in the general store?
Only in private.
[LAUGHS]
I just thought I'd throw in
a little military humor there.
I won't introduce you
to this other fellow, Jane.
What other fellow?
You fools, you let him get away!
Is that him?
Vanderbilt, stop that man.
What man?
Pardon me, sir,
but did you see...?
Hey! Hey.
Good work, trooper.
I'm glad to see somebody
around here has eagle eyes.
Now, I won't ask for a volunteer
to escort Delaney to prison.
I've numbered these pieces
of paper in here from 1 to 17.
And whoever picks
the high number, 17,
will accompany the prisoner.
Now, we'll go by rank.
Sergeant, you go first.
Oh, yes, sir. Yes, sir.
All right, let's see here,
now. I got, uh... I got 16.
Uh, huh. Corporal? Heh.
Now, let me look at
this mathematically.
The sarge picked number 16,
which leaves 16
numbers in there.
So mathematically,
it's one in 16
that I'll pick the high number,
or roughly, a six
percent chance.
Pretty good odds, I'd say.
I'll leave immediately.
Troop, dismissed.
Congratulations, corporal.
How come I never win on raffles?
Now listen, you just be on
your guard against that Delaney.
Me?
Sarge, vigilance
is my middle name.
Oh... Uh, here are your orders.
They'll be safe with me, sir.
You'd better get your
prisoner, and be on your way.
Yes, sir.
Well.
Uh... captain, uh...
Are you sure that he
can handle this Delaney?
Wel, you heard him, sergeant.
Vigilance is his middle name.
I know, but his last
name is still Agarn.
I mean, I'd feel a lot better if
someone else went along too.
Well...
I mean, you know, just as
an extra precaution. Hmm?
You're absolutely
right, sergeant. Ahh.
And I know just
the man to go along.
Ah, yes, sir.
Take good care of
the Fort while I'm gone.
Oh, and sergeant, uh, have
the men police up the area.
Well, time to turn in.
Yeah, I can hardly wait
for us all to go beddy-bye.
Don't get your
hopes up, Delaney.
I've thought of everything.
Captain, sir, another
pair of handcuffs in there.
Would you mind getting them?
Yeah, what's this for?
You and him, sir.
Double protection. Oh.
Now, that's good
cavalry thinking, corporal.
Well, let's try and
get some sleep.
I'm cold. I want a blanket.
Yeah. Don't you
move. I'll get it.
The captain told
you not to move.
Hey, I can't sleep like this.
Tough.
Now I can sleep.
Well, I'm afraid I can't.
I have to sleep on my stomach.
You better forget it, captain.
Wait, I've got an idea.
Pardon me.
Pardon me.
Pardon me.
I've gotta sleep on my back.
I gotta sleep on my side. Uhh.
Wait, I've got another idea.
Here. Uh, pardon me.
Pardon me. Uh, pardon me.
All right, now what?
There.
That's why he's a
captain and I'm a corporal.
Morning. Morning.
Good... morning.
You know, captain,
there's something about
sleeping under the stars,
with the sky for your blanket,
the earth for your mattress,
that makes you...
ache and pain all over.
Corporal, I suggest we
take off these handcuffs now.
I didn't bring the key.
You didn't bring the key?
I thought you brought
the key. No, I didn't bring it.
I thought you brought it.
Don't look at me,
I didn't bring it.
Delaney, can you... pick a lock?
A lock, yes. Handcuffs, no.
This is a fine time
not to be sneaky.
Now don't anybody panic.
I'll think of something.
Well?
I can't think of
anything. Now we panic.
Indians.
No, it's not Indians.
It's Wild Eagle, and Crazy Cat.
Chief, what are you
shooting at us for?
We think you buffalo.
Oh, come on, chief.
Do I look like a buffalo?
Buffalo are stupid,
shaggy-haired and beady-eyed.
You keep talking, you
end up on dinner table.
Who him? Oh, he's a prisoner.
Corporal Agarn's
taking him to jail.
Him not look like nice man.
Him ain't.
How come you hold hands?
No, no. No, no.
These are handcuffs.
You see, Corporal Agarn
thought that I brought the key,
and I thought that
Corporal Agarn brought it.
AGARN: No, captain. You
got it the other way around.
You thought that
I brought the key,
and I thought that
you brought the key.
Well, anyway, can
you help us out, chief?
Me not bring key either.
Me use this. Me use this.
You so clumsy, you
might scalp wrist.
Here? Cut, cut.
Now drop your gun belt, Agarn.
Oh, yes, sir.
Now we're gonna get out of
here, and if you try to follow,
Agarn here's
going on a lead diet.
Promise me,
fellows, don't follow.
Don't follow.
Delaney, hold up. Slow down.
Come on, come on, Delaney.
Hold up. Delaney, slow it down.
How about for a while,
I ride and you walk.
Heh, heh. Fat chance.
Hey, there's somebody coming.
Oh, good.
I knew the captain
would send help.
Hey, you. Hey! Hold on there.
Didn't you see us?
Yep, but I thought
you was a mirage.
We're real, all right.
I'm Corporal Agarn.
My name's Hackett.
Clem Hackett.
How do you do,
sir? Not very well.
I just found the
Lost Dutchman Mine.
Only, I... I lost it again.
Well, I'm Corporal Agarn...
I marked it on a map.
Only, I lost that too.
Well, I'm Corporal
Agarn... I left it in the mine.
Will you listen to me, please?
Why should I listen to a man,
who ain't introduced hisself?
Well, I'm Corporal
Agarn, U.S. Cavalry.
This man is my prisoner,
and I need your help to get
him to the next nearest town.
That would be Dry Gulch.
Well, then, take
us to Dry Gulch.
I can't. It's flooded.
Well then, what's the
next nearest town?
There ain't none.
Uh, wait a minute, old-timer.
You're not gonna put any stock
into what this
liar says, are you?
What are you jawing about?
Well, the fact of the matter
is, I'm Corporal Agarn,
and this man is my prisoner.
But this here
fellow says that he...
You can't take the
word of a prisoner.
I'm not the prisoner.
He is.
He is.
Well, I'm gonna settle
this, once and for all.
I am Corporal Agarn,
and here are my...
Here are my orders.
Yep, reckon you're the corporal.
You got them upside down.
Makes no never mind.
I can't read anyhow.
He stole those papers.
Besides, what other proof
does he have that he's me?
Yeah, what other proof do
you have that you're him?
Now look, if I'm the prisoner
and he's the corporal,
how come I'm riding
and he's walking?
He could be stupid.
I am not stupid.
That settles it.
He's the corporal.
Will you break these
chains right away?
I wanna get this man to
prison as fast as possible.
When did you get those papers?
Last night, when
you were asleep.
How low can you get?
Breaking into a man's uniform.
I used to sharpen
my pick with this.
What do you mean, used to?
I left my pick in
that danged mine.
Major.
Major, the Territorial Prison
reports that Matt Delaney
was never delivered to them.
It looks bad, sir.
I'm afraid that
Delaney has escaped.
Probably broke his handcuffs,
and then killed Agarn.
For Agarn's sake, I hope so.
Corporal Agarn reporting, sir.
Agarn.
Thank heavens you're all right.
Where's Delaney?
He escaped.
Oh, it's a shame you
lost the prisoner, corporal,
but accidents will happen.
That's right, captain.
You lose one, you find one.
Not quite as simple
as all that, corporal.
"When an escorting trooper
allows a prisoner to escape,
"the trooper must finish out
the prisoner's
sentence in his stead."
That's according to
AR63-379, Subheading B.
That's not what
it says here, sir.
What does it say there?
It's not Subheading
B, it's Subheading C.
What edition do you have?
1866. '67.
Does that mean, sir, that...
Corporal Agarn has to
go to the Territorial Prison
for the rest of his
life? No. Only 99 years.
Captain, you will strip
the prisoner of his rank.
Yes, sir.
I'm sorry, corporal.
I'll... have to
have your stripes.
Pssst.
Hiya, Dobbs.
Look in my bugle.
There's a file in it. No
wonder you play so bad.
Somebody's coming.
Hey, Agarn.
Hi, Duffy.
What's new in the outside world?
They captured the Alamo.
That I heard.
Look what I brought you.
It'll come in handy. In prison?
I'll have the saws I need.
They make you learn a trade.
I don't want it. Take it.
I don't want it. Take it.
Yes. No.
Yes. No.
Yes. No.
Yes. No.
Yes. No.
Now look what you've done.
Shhh. Somebody's coming.
Hi, Agarn. Hi, sarge.
How are you feeling? Miserable.
You'd think after all
these years of soldiering,
some of my buddies
would help me escape.
Escape is not the answer.
The thing we've got to
do is get that Delaney.
They'll never catch
him. I'll just rot in prison.
Yeah, well you may rot, but
it's not gonna be in any prison,
because I'm gonna go get him.
Sarge, you'd do
that for me? Why?
Well, because I can't
run O'Rourke Enterprises
without your conniving,
scheming, shifty help.
You could always train Dobbs.
Yeah, I never thought of that.
Never mind.
Go get him, sarge.
[HORSE WHINNIES]
Still warm, huh? What...?
Oh, I should have known better,
than to fall for that old
warm campfire trick.
O'Rourke, you see
that drop over there?
Here's something
else you'll fall for.
I'll come and see you
on visiting days, corporal.
Thanks, captain.
And if my mother
writes you about me,
tell her I'm on a
secret mission. For life.
Well, let's get going. We
got a long way to travel.
Major, a rider just
brought this for you.
Oh? Well, well.
Is it about Corporal
Agarn, sir? Yes, it is.
He doesn't have to go to
prison in Delaney's place.
Did you hear that, captain?
I don't have to go to
prison in Delaney's place.
He has to get shot
in Delaney's place.
Did you hear that, captain?
I gotta get shot... Shot?
Agarn is still
legally responsible
for Delaney's actions,
and Delaney has
now killed somebody.
This gun belt that he
took away from Agarn
was found at the
scene of the murder.
Major, who was killed?
The late Sergeant
Morgan O'Rourke.
The sarge? I don't believe it.
Neither do I. Never.
This hat was found at the
base of a thousand-foot cliff.
It's all that was left.
Remember, Agarn,
no fair peeking.
I know.
Any last words, Agarn?
All I wanna say is:
I went to prison
in Delaney's place,
I'm gonna be shot
in Delaney's place,
and pretty soon,
I'll be pushing up
daisies in Delaney's place.
So these are my last words:
All in all, it's hardly been
worthwhile knowing him.
And furthermore,
I'd like to say...
Don't you think you said enough?
No. Because when I stop
talking, you'll start shooting.
Give the order, captain.
I really don't think I can, sir.
Captain, give the order,
or the second thing I'm gonna
do is strip you of your rank.
What's the first thing?
I'll give the order.
Ready.
Aim.
O'ROURKE: Captain.
Captain.
What's going on here?
We're shooting Agarn.
But you can't do that, sir.
Sergeant. You're alive.
Well, of course I'm alive, sir.
You say that you are, but
can you prove it in court?
Delaney, here, tried
to push me off a cliff,
but I got away just in time.
All he shot was my
hat. Then I grabbed him.
Well, you got here just in time.
We were going to shoot
Agarn in Delaney's place,
and I was just
about to say fire...
[GUNSHOTS]
Ahhh!
Oh, what have I
done? Poor Agarn.
Oh, no, no. It's all right.
He's not wounded, sir.
I think he's just
probably fainted.
Hey, here we go.
Sarge, I knew we'd meet again.
Hi, buddy.
Are we in heaven,
or that other place?
We're right here
in Fort Courage.
Boy, once the Army gets
you, they never let you let go.
No, no. You're not
dead, and neither am I.
Here. Look here.
Heh, heh. Really?
I just don't understand.
What, you don't
understand what, sir?
Well, if the whole
firing squad missed him,
where did all the bullets go?
♪ They didn't shoot Agarn ♪
♪ No, that wasn't his fate ♪
♪ 'Cause no one in F Troop ♪
♪ Ever learned
to Shoot straight ♪
Captain, Delaney's
in prison, right?
That's right, corporal.
And Major Hewitt is
back in Washington, right?
I put him on a stage myself.
And all the troopers are back
on duty patching the water tank.
And we three are
here talking, right?
Yeah. Well, what
are you getting at?
Well, who's doing
all the singing?
♪ Things happen at F Troop ♪
♪ That you wouldn't believe ♪
What are you doing there?
Hey, you're singing on
government property.
Come on, come on,
come on. Scat, scat.
♪ So farewell to Fort Courage ♪
♪ Now I think I should leave ♪
[♪♪♪]
[BUGLE PLAYS "CHARGE"]