F Troop (1965–1967): Season 2, Episode 23 - That's Show Biz - full transcript
Agarn leaves the Army to manage a rock band called the Bedbugs.
[♪♪♪]
[PARMENTER HUMMING
"THE BLUE DANUBE WALTZ"]
♪ Dum-dum, dum-dum ♪
Oh, that's very good,
men. Very good.
Now, bow to your partner.
Oh, oh. Uh, no, no, men.
Only the men bow.
The ladies curtsy.
Well, Dobbs, you heard
the captain. Curtsy.
You're supposed
to curtsy, Agarn.
I was leading.
You were leading? Ah-ha!
I was leading.
Agarn... I had my
hand right like this:
I'll give you just three
seconds to take your hand
off my hip.
How would you like
my hand on your chin?
I'm warning you, Dobbs!
[BOTH SPIT]
Now, now.
Men. Men, no fighting.
Uh, excuse me, sir.
Do you wanna lead or follow?
Oh, actually, I didn't
wanna dance, sir.
I wanted to tell you
that the stagecoach
is arriving with the musicians.
Oh. Oh, thank you, sergeant.
Uh, Corporal Agarn,
you come with us.
Dobbs, you... You
can do the humming.
Right, captain.
Oh, uh, keep practicing, men.
Now, we've invited quite a
few ladies to this military ball.
We should show them
we're lighter on our feet
than our horses. Ha-ha-ha!
Well, the way Dobbs
kept stepping on my feet
I kept looking for his saddle.
Well, the way you kept
stepping on my feet,
I was gonna feed
you some peanuts.
I'm warning you, Dobbs!
All right, now,
cut it out, you two!
Yeah. Just start humming, Dobbs.
Come on, men.
[HUMMING "THE
BLUE DANUBE WALTZ"]
I think we're going to give
a good account of
ourselves at this ball.
There's a lot of natural
rhythm in F Troop.
Uh, yes, sir. [GROWLS]
Well, I'm glad it's a week away.
It'll give that compound
fracture of my metatarsal bone
a chance to heal.
Will you stop reading
those medical books?
Every time you read
about a new disease,
you think you've got it.
Yeah, last week he opened
up a Chinese fortune cookie
and went to bed
with the Asiatic flu.
Okay, Duffy, your turn to lead.
Vanderbilt.
You knucklehead, I'm over here.
[DOBBS CONTINUES HUMMING]
After all, this
is the first time
that Gen. Watson's wife
has ever picked Fort
Courage to host a military ball.
Yeah, well, don't you
worry about a thing.
My friend over in Dodge says
that this, uh, new group from
Boston is absolutely great.
Oh, I hope so. If
you'll remember,
last year Mrs. Watson imported
that Hungarian string quartet.
Oh, yes, sir. I remember.
The Goulash Four.
[♪♪♪]
Hey. Look at Janey there
all decked out in
her new ball gown.
Say, Janey, you look terrific.
Do you like the dress, Wilton?
Are you sure you're
all the way in it, Jane?
Oh, Wilton, you're
so old-fashioned.
I think I hear the stage coming.
Oh, Wilton, I'm so anxious to
hear this new musical group.
I've been practicing a
waltz with a store dummy
who's just about your size.
Here they come.
[HOOFBEATS]
[♪♪♪]
You must be Sergeant O'Rourke.
Uh, that's right. Yeah.
We're the group
you hired to play
for your military ball.
You're kidding.
You're the group?
That's right, captain.
We call ourselves the Bedbugs.
The Bedbugs?
We'll give you a little
demonstration of our music.
Okay, boys. Hit it.
Two, three, four.
[PLAYING ROCK VERSION
OF "CAMPTOWN RACES"]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Captain.
The boys are ready to
play another number for you.
Eh, forget about it, Agarn.
We're gonna pay 'em off
and send 'em back to Dodge.
But you can't do that, sir.
Corporal, the
Bedbugs have got to go.
Begging the
captain's pardon, sir.
I think they deserve
another chance.
They've... They've
got a new sound.
Those Bedbugs really jump.
Yeah, well, so do grasshoppers,
but we don't want
'em playing at the ball.
Hey, that's very good, sergeant.
Oh, thank you, sir.
But, captain, you can't send
'em all the way back to Boston
without giving them a chance.
All right. Instead of
sending 'em back to Boston,
why don't we put 'em
on a slow boat to China?
And get the Asiatic flu?
Oh, sir.
Well...
Very well, corporal. I
guess they do deserve...
one more chance.
Oh, thank you, captain.
You won't be sorry.
[♪♪♪]
Boys, the captain wants to
hear another number. You ready?
We're ready. Uh...
how about a waltz?
BAND LEADER: Right, captain.
And a one and a two and a...
[PLAYING ROCK VERSION
OF "THE BLUE DANUBE WALTZ"]
Uh... you can tell
them to stop, corporal.
You can tell them to stop!
It's too late, captain.
How about that? We were
only playing in half time.
You can bet me the Goulash Four
couldn't do that.
Corporal... I don't
think you understand
the kind of group
we're looking for.
You see, the
general and his wife
always start off the ball
by dancing the first dance.
And if you recall, he has a
shrapnel wound in his leg,
and she has the gout.
Right. If they tried
to waltz to that music,
they'd be in bed for a month.
I'm awfully sorry, Bedbugs,
but you'll be paid in full,
and we'll buy your stagecoach
tickets back to Dodge.
[♪♪♪]
Well, fellows, I...
I guess the West
just ain't ready for
your kind of music.
They said the same thing
about square dancing.
Don't worry about us, Agarn.
We'll make our fortune
on the saloon circuit,
soon as we find a manager
with a good ear for music,
showmanship and brains.
I don't understand
Corporal Agarn.
He really likes that music.
Yeah, well, sir, Agarn
is my best friend,
but, uh... he is a
little weird at times.
I know what you mean.
Like the time we were
invited up to the Hekawi camp
for the Festival
of the Succotash.
Yes, he got a
little carried away
by the beat of the tom-toms.
I'd say it was a bit more
than being carried away
when a soldier gets
up on an Indian drum
and starts yelling,
"Kill the paleface."
Yes, corporal?
Capt. Parmenter,
under Articles of War 71,
Section 2, Subparagraph 9,
which allows a soldier to
buy his way out of the Army,
I am now so doing.
Agarn, are you out of your mind?
Now, corporal...
the last time you bought
your way out of the Army,
it was for one of those
get-rich-quick schemes.
What is it for now?
I am going to
manage the Bedbugs.
Why are you gonna
manage the Bedbugs?
To get rich quick.
Now, corporal, this is
a very serious decision.
Don't you wanna take a
little time and think it over?
No, sir. I think those
boys have a great future.
All they need is a manager
with a good ear for music,
showmanship and brains.
Welcome back to F Troop, Agarn.
You'll be singing
a different song,
Sgt. O'Rourke,
when my Bedbugs are the toast
of the saloon circuit.
Well... now we've
lost a musical group
and a corporal. Don't
worry about it, sir.
I think I know how
to get him back. How?
By arranging Agarn's
first booking for the group.
At the Fort Courage saloon.
[♪♪♪]
[PIANO PLAYING]
Ah. Sarge, baby.
You're a doll for
arranging this booking.
Uh, yeah, well, uh, I
can't take all the credit.
I mean, the captain
here was a big help.
Of course, we don't wanna
see you leave the troop, Agarn.
But we want your new career
to get off to a flying start.
You're all heart,
chickie sweets.
Where do you go from here?
Well, we figure we'll start
dazzling the
hicks in the sticks,
and then we'll work our
way west to the coast,
'cause that's
where it's the most.
You know, it's amazing.
Eh, you've only been a
manager for an hour and a half,
and your whole
personality has changed.
That's show biz, sweetheart.
DUFFY: Let's have some music.
Bring on the Bedbugs.
[CHEERING]
All right. All right, you guys.
All right, you guys, quiet down.
I'd better get the kids,
and we'll start the show.
[♪♪♪]
Are the troopers all set?
Don't worry about a thing,
sir, I've, uh, tipped them off.
And, uh, those Bedbugs will
be lucky to get out of here alive.
Good work.
[APPLAUSE]
Music lovers... At this time,
it gives me great pleasure
to introduce one of
the really great
acts of all time,
making their saloon debut.
Let's have a real Fort
Courage welcome for...
the Bedbugs!
[CHEERING]
[PLAY ROCK TUNE]
All right! All right
now, hold it. Hold it.
Give those nice
boys... Oh, forget it.
[MUSIC STOPS]
Agarn, we gotta get
these kids out of here.
This crowd is armed.
Out the back way, boys. Hey!
[♪♪♪]
You crumbs!
Well, fellas,
it's certainly been
nice being in show biz.
And I wanna wish you
a lot of luck on
the saloon circuit.
Not us. When's the next
stagecoach leave for Boston?
Not till tomorrow
morning, I'm afraid.
Can we get a hotel
room for the night?
Listen, if I were you fellas,
I wouldn't stay in town tonight.
Uh, Agarn, why don't you
take 'em up to the Hekawi camp
for the night, huh?
Good idea, sarge. Sorry, fellas.
I guess your music is just
a little ahead of its time.
[CHUCKLES]
Thanks for everything.
That's all right. It's
a pleasure indeed.
Yes, uh...
by the way, I just
happen to have
some re-enlistment papers here.
You can, uh, bring
them back in the morning.
Thanks, sarge. It'd be
nice to have you back.
It'll be nice to be back.
All right, column of twos! Hut!
Hut! Hut! Hut!
[♪♪♪]
Stop the music!
Now, wait a minute, chief.
You promised no flaming arrows.
Wild Eagle love Bedbugs.
They could be big hit
at our Playbrave Club.
You mean that, chief?
Indians will love this music.
They can make lot of
money on tepee circuit.
You're talking
to the right fella,
'cause I happen to
be their manager.
Then you can get lots
of Indian camp bookings,
including anniversary dance
at Little Bighorn.
Boys... we're back in show biz.
[PLAY ROCK VERSION
OF "CAMPTOWN RACES"]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[HUMMING "THE
BLUE DANUBE WALTZ"]
That's very good, Dobbs.
Thank you, captain.
[RESUMES HUMMING]
Sir. Excuse me,
sir. May I cut in? I...
No, I'm sorry, sergeant.
The next one is a tag dance.
But we have a
problem, sir. [LAUGHS]
No, we don't, sergeant.
I just heard of a
wonderful string trio
over at Fort Bravo that
we can get for the dance.
No, no, I was talking
about Corporal Agarn.
I thought he was
re-enlisting this morning.
Yeah, so did I. But
when I went to pick him up
at the Hekawi camp,
he'd torn up his papers.
Oh, no. Did...? Did
he say anything to you?
Well, he said, "That's
re-enlistment biz, baby."
You mean he's still gonna manage
them four hog callers?
That's right. The
Indians love their music,
and Agarn is booking
them on the tepee circuit.
I hope they don't play in front of
any audiences with tomahawks.
Don't have to be
afraid of that, captain.
When I was at the Hekawi
camp, the Bedbugs were playing,
the Indians were
dancing, Agarn was yelling,
"Beat me, Daddy,
eight to the bar."
Don't you think there's
anything you can do, sergeant?
Afraid not, captain. He's gone.
I'll tell you one thing.
If he stays with those Bedbugs,
I bet he goes
deaf in six months.
They are the loudest
group I ever heard.
Well, you can say that again.
After listening to them
play at the Hekawi camp,
oh, brother, my ears were...
Oh, Dobbs. Yes, sergeant?
Finally, something's
come out of your mouth
besides a sour bugle note.
What did he say?
Sir, we all know
that Corporal Agarn is always
getting imaginary illnesses.
So if he thought that music
was really affecting his ears...
Oh. Ho-ho-ho!
Sergeant... I think
I'm going to like this.
[LAUGHS]
Have you explained
everything to the men?
Right. I have been rehearsing
them in the barracks.
When we get through with Agarn,
he'll think he's deaf as a post.
[CHUCKLES] [HORSE WHINNIES]
Here he comes now, sir.
[♪♪♪]
Captain, baby.
Sarge, sweets.
Dobbs, chickie.
Nice to... Agarn.
What'd you say, captain?
The captain said,
"to see you..."
Could you fellas speak up?
Agarn, the captain...
Dobbs... Assembly?
[SILENCE]
How did the troopers
hear Assembly?
I was standing right here,
and I didn't hear a note.
Now, please,
buddy... was just trying
to pay you a farewell tribute.
[MOUTHS] Attention!
Men.
Men... gathered
here farewell again...
comrade...
Corporal Randolph...
He has been a...
soldier... to F Troop.
And I know... will miss...
as much as...
Hip, hip... [ALL MOUTH] Hooray!
[MOUTHS] Hip, hip...
[MOUTH] Hooray!
[MOUTHS] Hip, hip...
Sarge, buddy. Something's
wrong with my ears.
Now, now. I can't hear a thing.
It must be...
music... listening to.
That's right. The music.
I'll kill those Bedbugs!
Now, if you... re-enlist,
get you medical officer.
Let me sign those papers.
I gotta get right to
a medical officer.
Pen in... office.
Capt. Parmenter...
now that Agarn's gone,
can we all talk up again?
I just heard Vanderbilt.
Who's that waving
his arms down there?
Speak up! I heard him again.
What does he mean, "Speak up"?
[BOTH MOUTH] We don't know.
What did you say, Vanderbilt?
I said, speak up.
I can't hear you.
Oh. Now I get it.
You wanted to make me think
I was losing my hearing
over that music. Now...
Well, that is the cruelest thing
I have ever heard
of in my entire life.
Now, just a minute, Agarn.
We had your best
interests at heart.
Yeah. We were just, uh, try...
Sorry, Captain P.
I'm back in show biz.
[♪♪♪]
You knucklehead.
What happened?
Didn't Agarn fall for it?
Oh, we almost had him, Jane.
Yeah, but Vanderbilt
ruined it with his 20/20 mouth
and his 20... 400 vision.
Here's the program
from Mrs. Watson, Wilton.
What, the general's wife?
The ball's been
postponed a month
'cause the general
caught her gout.
I didn't know gout
was contagious.
We can't worry about that now.
We've got to worry
about getting Agarn back.
The... Oh, yes. Well...
Maybe if I went up
and I had a talk with
Chief Wild Eagle.
Without him as a
backer, they'd be ruined.
If I know Wild Eagle, when
he thinks he's got a good thing,
he's not gonna let it go.
Unless he found a better thing.
Wha...? What are
you driving at, Jane?
I think we can
come up with a group
that's even better
than the Bedbugs.
[PLAYING ROCK MUSIC]
[SONG ENDS, APPLAUSE]
Huh? Do they keep your
moccasins tapping, Craze?
Huh? Are they too much, chief?
What you say, Agarn?!
I said, ain't they too much?
Yes. The Bedbugs are terrific.
They going to be
darlings of the redskins.
Now, here's the way I figure it.
They're gonna
finish the week here.
One night at the Comanches,
a split week at the Cherokees,
the big massacre
dance at the Chippewas,
and then the Apaches.
The Apaches... I don't know.
Tough audience.
Even when they love
you, they hate you.
[♪♪♪]
Hey. Whoa.
Capt. Parmenter, sarge...
what are you all doing?
Well, corporal... I
mean, Agarn... baby.
[CHUCKLES]
We just got to thinking
that maybe show biz is
better than cavalry biz.
So we formed a group.
You are now looking
at the Termites.
The Termites?!
We'll eat our way
into your hearts.
That's very good, Dobbs.
Wild Eagle... we would
like to audition for you.
Now, wait a minute, chief!
We've got a firm deal.
No deal with Hekawis
firm until we cut our fingers
and become blood brothers.
Hekawis faint at sight of blood.
Chief, after you
hear the Termites,
you will forget all
about the Bedbugs. Hm.
Termites.
And a one and a two...
[PLAYING FOLK ROCK]
♪ Lemon tree Very pretty ♪
♪ And the lemon
flower Is sweet ♪
♪ But the fruit Of
the poor lemon ♪
♪ Is impossible to eat ♪
♪ Lemon tree Very pretty ♪
♪ And the lemon
flower Is sweet ♪
♪ But the fruit Of
the poor lemon ♪
♪ Is impossible to eat ♪
♪ Lemon tree Very pretty ♪
♪ And the lemon
flower Is sweet ♪
♪ But the fruit Of
the poor lemon ♪
♪ Is impossible to eat ♪
Uh. Well, chief...?
Termites are in.
Bedbugs are out.
[ALL CHEERING]
[LAUGHS]
Kids, there's a stagecoach
leaving for Boston in an hour.
[♪♪♪]
Keep in touch, chickie sweets.
Termites... meet
your new manager.
Ooh. You really mean
you'll handle us, Agarn?
Captain, baby.
You must be joking.
I got it all figured out.
Finish the week here, one
night at the Comanches,
split week with the Cherokees,
a big massacre
dance at the Chippewa,
and then the Apaches.
Apaches?
I don't know.
No, we demand bigger
and better bookings.
How about San Francisco?
I hear they pay big money
on the Barbary Coast.
I'd like to start
in Kansas City.
I've got some, uh,
folks living there.
No, no, no. I think we
should go right to New York.
Hold it. Hold it.
The first thing is we
gotta settle the billing.
Being the only girl, I think
my name should go on top.
Well, I got out of the
Army with the highest rank.
I play lead flute.
Now, wait a minute!
I'm your manager,
and I'll decide all that.
You will not decide anything!
You're working for us.
I was working for you.
But nobody is gonna
push me around.
Wait a minute, Agarn.
Where are you going?
Back to F Troop
where I can push people around.
[O'ROURKE CHUCKLES]
♪ Hey Mr. Tambourine Man ♪
♪ Play a song for me ♪
♪ I'm not sleepy ♪
♪ And there ain't no
place I'm going to ♪
♪ Hey Mr. Tambourine Man ♪
♪ Play a song for me ♪
♪ In this jingle
jangle Morning ♪
♪ I'll come following you ♪
♪ Hey Mr. Tambourine Man ♪
♪ Play a song for
me I'm not sleepy ♪
♪ And there ain't no
place I'm going to ♪
♪ Hey Mr. Tambourine Man ♪
♪ Play a song for me ♪
♪ In this jingle
jangle Morning ♪
♪ I'll come following you ♪
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
For the last time, men!
Shoot! Agarn.
Will you please get out
from in front of the cannon?
You could get hurt, Agarn.
Oh, I don't wanna
get hurt, Dobbs.
I wanna die!
Agarn, are you out of your mind?
For the last time, Duffy,
fire! That's an order!
Corporal, what is
the matter with you?
Well, sir, I just
got this letter.
You're not the first soldier
ever to be dropped by a girl.
What girl?! This is
from the Bedbugs.
Oh, that musical group
you were gonna manage?
That's right, captain.
They're in England.
They were a big
hit in Liverpool,
a smash in London.
They gave a command
performance for the queen.
And now it looks like they're
gonna be knighted. Ho-ho.
Yeah, well, that's
show biz, baby.
[♪♪♪]
Fire! Fire!
[♪♪♪]
[PARMENTER HUMMING
"THE BLUE DANUBE WALTZ"]
♪ Dum-dum, dum-dum ♪
Oh, that's very good,
men. Very good.
Now, bow to your partner.
Oh, oh. Uh, no, no, men.
Only the men bow.
The ladies curtsy.
Well, Dobbs, you heard
the captain. Curtsy.
You're supposed
to curtsy, Agarn.
I was leading.
You were leading? Ah-ha!
I was leading.
Agarn... I had my
hand right like this:
I'll give you just three
seconds to take your hand
off my hip.
How would you like
my hand on your chin?
I'm warning you, Dobbs!
[BOTH SPIT]
Now, now.
Men. Men, no fighting.
Uh, excuse me, sir.
Do you wanna lead or follow?
Oh, actually, I didn't
wanna dance, sir.
I wanted to tell you
that the stagecoach
is arriving with the musicians.
Oh. Oh, thank you, sergeant.
Uh, Corporal Agarn,
you come with us.
Dobbs, you... You
can do the humming.
Right, captain.
Oh, uh, keep practicing, men.
Now, we've invited quite a
few ladies to this military ball.
We should show them
we're lighter on our feet
than our horses. Ha-ha-ha!
Well, the way Dobbs
kept stepping on my feet
I kept looking for his saddle.
Well, the way you kept
stepping on my feet,
I was gonna feed
you some peanuts.
I'm warning you, Dobbs!
All right, now,
cut it out, you two!
Yeah. Just start humming, Dobbs.
Come on, men.
[HUMMING "THE
BLUE DANUBE WALTZ"]
I think we're going to give
a good account of
ourselves at this ball.
There's a lot of natural
rhythm in F Troop.
Uh, yes, sir. [GROWLS]
Well, I'm glad it's a week away.
It'll give that compound
fracture of my metatarsal bone
a chance to heal.
Will you stop reading
those medical books?
Every time you read
about a new disease,
you think you've got it.
Yeah, last week he opened
up a Chinese fortune cookie
and went to bed
with the Asiatic flu.
Okay, Duffy, your turn to lead.
Vanderbilt.
You knucklehead, I'm over here.
[DOBBS CONTINUES HUMMING]
After all, this
is the first time
that Gen. Watson's wife
has ever picked Fort
Courage to host a military ball.
Yeah, well, don't you
worry about a thing.
My friend over in Dodge says
that this, uh, new group from
Boston is absolutely great.
Oh, I hope so. If
you'll remember,
last year Mrs. Watson imported
that Hungarian string quartet.
Oh, yes, sir. I remember.
The Goulash Four.
[♪♪♪]
Hey. Look at Janey there
all decked out in
her new ball gown.
Say, Janey, you look terrific.
Do you like the dress, Wilton?
Are you sure you're
all the way in it, Jane?
Oh, Wilton, you're
so old-fashioned.
I think I hear the stage coming.
Oh, Wilton, I'm so anxious to
hear this new musical group.
I've been practicing a
waltz with a store dummy
who's just about your size.
Here they come.
[HOOFBEATS]
[♪♪♪]
You must be Sergeant O'Rourke.
Uh, that's right. Yeah.
We're the group
you hired to play
for your military ball.
You're kidding.
You're the group?
That's right, captain.
We call ourselves the Bedbugs.
The Bedbugs?
We'll give you a little
demonstration of our music.
Okay, boys. Hit it.
Two, three, four.
[PLAYING ROCK VERSION
OF "CAMPTOWN RACES"]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Captain.
The boys are ready to
play another number for you.
Eh, forget about it, Agarn.
We're gonna pay 'em off
and send 'em back to Dodge.
But you can't do that, sir.
Corporal, the
Bedbugs have got to go.
Begging the
captain's pardon, sir.
I think they deserve
another chance.
They've... They've
got a new sound.
Those Bedbugs really jump.
Yeah, well, so do grasshoppers,
but we don't want
'em playing at the ball.
Hey, that's very good, sergeant.
Oh, thank you, sir.
But, captain, you can't send
'em all the way back to Boston
without giving them a chance.
All right. Instead of
sending 'em back to Boston,
why don't we put 'em
on a slow boat to China?
And get the Asiatic flu?
Oh, sir.
Well...
Very well, corporal. I
guess they do deserve...
one more chance.
Oh, thank you, captain.
You won't be sorry.
[♪♪♪]
Boys, the captain wants to
hear another number. You ready?
We're ready. Uh...
how about a waltz?
BAND LEADER: Right, captain.
And a one and a two and a...
[PLAYING ROCK VERSION
OF "THE BLUE DANUBE WALTZ"]
Uh... you can tell
them to stop, corporal.
You can tell them to stop!
It's too late, captain.
How about that? We were
only playing in half time.
You can bet me the Goulash Four
couldn't do that.
Corporal... I don't
think you understand
the kind of group
we're looking for.
You see, the
general and his wife
always start off the ball
by dancing the first dance.
And if you recall, he has a
shrapnel wound in his leg,
and she has the gout.
Right. If they tried
to waltz to that music,
they'd be in bed for a month.
I'm awfully sorry, Bedbugs,
but you'll be paid in full,
and we'll buy your stagecoach
tickets back to Dodge.
[♪♪♪]
Well, fellows, I...
I guess the West
just ain't ready for
your kind of music.
They said the same thing
about square dancing.
Don't worry about us, Agarn.
We'll make our fortune
on the saloon circuit,
soon as we find a manager
with a good ear for music,
showmanship and brains.
I don't understand
Corporal Agarn.
He really likes that music.
Yeah, well, sir, Agarn
is my best friend,
but, uh... he is a
little weird at times.
I know what you mean.
Like the time we were
invited up to the Hekawi camp
for the Festival
of the Succotash.
Yes, he got a
little carried away
by the beat of the tom-toms.
I'd say it was a bit more
than being carried away
when a soldier gets
up on an Indian drum
and starts yelling,
"Kill the paleface."
Yes, corporal?
Capt. Parmenter,
under Articles of War 71,
Section 2, Subparagraph 9,
which allows a soldier to
buy his way out of the Army,
I am now so doing.
Agarn, are you out of your mind?
Now, corporal...
the last time you bought
your way out of the Army,
it was for one of those
get-rich-quick schemes.
What is it for now?
I am going to
manage the Bedbugs.
Why are you gonna
manage the Bedbugs?
To get rich quick.
Now, corporal, this is
a very serious decision.
Don't you wanna take a
little time and think it over?
No, sir. I think those
boys have a great future.
All they need is a manager
with a good ear for music,
showmanship and brains.
Welcome back to F Troop, Agarn.
You'll be singing
a different song,
Sgt. O'Rourke,
when my Bedbugs are the toast
of the saloon circuit.
Well... now we've
lost a musical group
and a corporal. Don't
worry about it, sir.
I think I know how
to get him back. How?
By arranging Agarn's
first booking for the group.
At the Fort Courage saloon.
[♪♪♪]
[PIANO PLAYING]
Ah. Sarge, baby.
You're a doll for
arranging this booking.
Uh, yeah, well, uh, I
can't take all the credit.
I mean, the captain
here was a big help.
Of course, we don't wanna
see you leave the troop, Agarn.
But we want your new career
to get off to a flying start.
You're all heart,
chickie sweets.
Where do you go from here?
Well, we figure we'll start
dazzling the
hicks in the sticks,
and then we'll work our
way west to the coast,
'cause that's
where it's the most.
You know, it's amazing.
Eh, you've only been a
manager for an hour and a half,
and your whole
personality has changed.
That's show biz, sweetheart.
DUFFY: Let's have some music.
Bring on the Bedbugs.
[CHEERING]
All right. All right, you guys.
All right, you guys, quiet down.
I'd better get the kids,
and we'll start the show.
[♪♪♪]
Are the troopers all set?
Don't worry about a thing,
sir, I've, uh, tipped them off.
And, uh, those Bedbugs will
be lucky to get out of here alive.
Good work.
[APPLAUSE]
Music lovers... At this time,
it gives me great pleasure
to introduce one of
the really great
acts of all time,
making their saloon debut.
Let's have a real Fort
Courage welcome for...
the Bedbugs!
[CHEERING]
[PLAY ROCK TUNE]
All right! All right
now, hold it. Hold it.
Give those nice
boys... Oh, forget it.
[MUSIC STOPS]
Agarn, we gotta get
these kids out of here.
This crowd is armed.
Out the back way, boys. Hey!
[♪♪♪]
You crumbs!
Well, fellas,
it's certainly been
nice being in show biz.
And I wanna wish you
a lot of luck on
the saloon circuit.
Not us. When's the next
stagecoach leave for Boston?
Not till tomorrow
morning, I'm afraid.
Can we get a hotel
room for the night?
Listen, if I were you fellas,
I wouldn't stay in town tonight.
Uh, Agarn, why don't you
take 'em up to the Hekawi camp
for the night, huh?
Good idea, sarge. Sorry, fellas.
I guess your music is just
a little ahead of its time.
[CHUCKLES]
Thanks for everything.
That's all right. It's
a pleasure indeed.
Yes, uh...
by the way, I just
happen to have
some re-enlistment papers here.
You can, uh, bring
them back in the morning.
Thanks, sarge. It'd be
nice to have you back.
It'll be nice to be back.
All right, column of twos! Hut!
Hut! Hut! Hut!
[♪♪♪]
Stop the music!
Now, wait a minute, chief.
You promised no flaming arrows.
Wild Eagle love Bedbugs.
They could be big hit
at our Playbrave Club.
You mean that, chief?
Indians will love this music.
They can make lot of
money on tepee circuit.
You're talking
to the right fella,
'cause I happen to
be their manager.
Then you can get lots
of Indian camp bookings,
including anniversary dance
at Little Bighorn.
Boys... we're back in show biz.
[PLAY ROCK VERSION
OF "CAMPTOWN RACES"]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[HUMMING "THE
BLUE DANUBE WALTZ"]
That's very good, Dobbs.
Thank you, captain.
[RESUMES HUMMING]
Sir. Excuse me,
sir. May I cut in? I...
No, I'm sorry, sergeant.
The next one is a tag dance.
But we have a
problem, sir. [LAUGHS]
No, we don't, sergeant.
I just heard of a
wonderful string trio
over at Fort Bravo that
we can get for the dance.
No, no, I was talking
about Corporal Agarn.
I thought he was
re-enlisting this morning.
Yeah, so did I. But
when I went to pick him up
at the Hekawi camp,
he'd torn up his papers.
Oh, no. Did...? Did
he say anything to you?
Well, he said, "That's
re-enlistment biz, baby."
You mean he's still gonna manage
them four hog callers?
That's right. The
Indians love their music,
and Agarn is booking
them on the tepee circuit.
I hope they don't play in front of
any audiences with tomahawks.
Don't have to be
afraid of that, captain.
When I was at the Hekawi
camp, the Bedbugs were playing,
the Indians were
dancing, Agarn was yelling,
"Beat me, Daddy,
eight to the bar."
Don't you think there's
anything you can do, sergeant?
Afraid not, captain. He's gone.
I'll tell you one thing.
If he stays with those Bedbugs,
I bet he goes
deaf in six months.
They are the loudest
group I ever heard.
Well, you can say that again.
After listening to them
play at the Hekawi camp,
oh, brother, my ears were...
Oh, Dobbs. Yes, sergeant?
Finally, something's
come out of your mouth
besides a sour bugle note.
What did he say?
Sir, we all know
that Corporal Agarn is always
getting imaginary illnesses.
So if he thought that music
was really affecting his ears...
Oh. Ho-ho-ho!
Sergeant... I think
I'm going to like this.
[LAUGHS]
Have you explained
everything to the men?
Right. I have been rehearsing
them in the barracks.
When we get through with Agarn,
he'll think he's deaf as a post.
[CHUCKLES] [HORSE WHINNIES]
Here he comes now, sir.
[♪♪♪]
Captain, baby.
Sarge, sweets.
Dobbs, chickie.
Nice to... Agarn.
What'd you say, captain?
The captain said,
"to see you..."
Could you fellas speak up?
Agarn, the captain...
Dobbs... Assembly?
[SILENCE]
How did the troopers
hear Assembly?
I was standing right here,
and I didn't hear a note.
Now, please,
buddy... was just trying
to pay you a farewell tribute.
[MOUTHS] Attention!
Men.
Men... gathered
here farewell again...
comrade...
Corporal Randolph...
He has been a...
soldier... to F Troop.
And I know... will miss...
as much as...
Hip, hip... [ALL MOUTH] Hooray!
[MOUTHS] Hip, hip...
[MOUTH] Hooray!
[MOUTHS] Hip, hip...
Sarge, buddy. Something's
wrong with my ears.
Now, now. I can't hear a thing.
It must be...
music... listening to.
That's right. The music.
I'll kill those Bedbugs!
Now, if you... re-enlist,
get you medical officer.
Let me sign those papers.
I gotta get right to
a medical officer.
Pen in... office.
Capt. Parmenter...
now that Agarn's gone,
can we all talk up again?
I just heard Vanderbilt.
Who's that waving
his arms down there?
Speak up! I heard him again.
What does he mean, "Speak up"?
[BOTH MOUTH] We don't know.
What did you say, Vanderbilt?
I said, speak up.
I can't hear you.
Oh. Now I get it.
You wanted to make me think
I was losing my hearing
over that music. Now...
Well, that is the cruelest thing
I have ever heard
of in my entire life.
Now, just a minute, Agarn.
We had your best
interests at heart.
Yeah. We were just, uh, try...
Sorry, Captain P.
I'm back in show biz.
[♪♪♪]
You knucklehead.
What happened?
Didn't Agarn fall for it?
Oh, we almost had him, Jane.
Yeah, but Vanderbilt
ruined it with his 20/20 mouth
and his 20... 400 vision.
Here's the program
from Mrs. Watson, Wilton.
What, the general's wife?
The ball's been
postponed a month
'cause the general
caught her gout.
I didn't know gout
was contagious.
We can't worry about that now.
We've got to worry
about getting Agarn back.
The... Oh, yes. Well...
Maybe if I went up
and I had a talk with
Chief Wild Eagle.
Without him as a
backer, they'd be ruined.
If I know Wild Eagle, when
he thinks he's got a good thing,
he's not gonna let it go.
Unless he found a better thing.
Wha...? What are
you driving at, Jane?
I think we can
come up with a group
that's even better
than the Bedbugs.
[PLAYING ROCK MUSIC]
[SONG ENDS, APPLAUSE]
Huh? Do they keep your
moccasins tapping, Craze?
Huh? Are they too much, chief?
What you say, Agarn?!
I said, ain't they too much?
Yes. The Bedbugs are terrific.
They going to be
darlings of the redskins.
Now, here's the way I figure it.
They're gonna
finish the week here.
One night at the Comanches,
a split week at the Cherokees,
the big massacre
dance at the Chippewas,
and then the Apaches.
The Apaches... I don't know.
Tough audience.
Even when they love
you, they hate you.
[♪♪♪]
Hey. Whoa.
Capt. Parmenter, sarge...
what are you all doing?
Well, corporal... I
mean, Agarn... baby.
[CHUCKLES]
We just got to thinking
that maybe show biz is
better than cavalry biz.
So we formed a group.
You are now looking
at the Termites.
The Termites?!
We'll eat our way
into your hearts.
That's very good, Dobbs.
Wild Eagle... we would
like to audition for you.
Now, wait a minute, chief!
We've got a firm deal.
No deal with Hekawis
firm until we cut our fingers
and become blood brothers.
Hekawis faint at sight of blood.
Chief, after you
hear the Termites,
you will forget all
about the Bedbugs. Hm.
Termites.
And a one and a two...
[PLAYING FOLK ROCK]
♪ Lemon tree Very pretty ♪
♪ And the lemon
flower Is sweet ♪
♪ But the fruit Of
the poor lemon ♪
♪ Is impossible to eat ♪
♪ Lemon tree Very pretty ♪
♪ And the lemon
flower Is sweet ♪
♪ But the fruit Of
the poor lemon ♪
♪ Is impossible to eat ♪
♪ Lemon tree Very pretty ♪
♪ And the lemon
flower Is sweet ♪
♪ But the fruit Of
the poor lemon ♪
♪ Is impossible to eat ♪
Uh. Well, chief...?
Termites are in.
Bedbugs are out.
[ALL CHEERING]
[LAUGHS]
Kids, there's a stagecoach
leaving for Boston in an hour.
[♪♪♪]
Keep in touch, chickie sweets.
Termites... meet
your new manager.
Ooh. You really mean
you'll handle us, Agarn?
Captain, baby.
You must be joking.
I got it all figured out.
Finish the week here, one
night at the Comanches,
split week with the Cherokees,
a big massacre
dance at the Chippewa,
and then the Apaches.
Apaches?
I don't know.
No, we demand bigger
and better bookings.
How about San Francisco?
I hear they pay big money
on the Barbary Coast.
I'd like to start
in Kansas City.
I've got some, uh,
folks living there.
No, no, no. I think we
should go right to New York.
Hold it. Hold it.
The first thing is we
gotta settle the billing.
Being the only girl, I think
my name should go on top.
Well, I got out of the
Army with the highest rank.
I play lead flute.
Now, wait a minute!
I'm your manager,
and I'll decide all that.
You will not decide anything!
You're working for us.
I was working for you.
But nobody is gonna
push me around.
Wait a minute, Agarn.
Where are you going?
Back to F Troop
where I can push people around.
[O'ROURKE CHUCKLES]
♪ Hey Mr. Tambourine Man ♪
♪ Play a song for me ♪
♪ I'm not sleepy ♪
♪ And there ain't no
place I'm going to ♪
♪ Hey Mr. Tambourine Man ♪
♪ Play a song for me ♪
♪ In this jingle
jangle Morning ♪
♪ I'll come following you ♪
♪ Hey Mr. Tambourine Man ♪
♪ Play a song for
me I'm not sleepy ♪
♪ And there ain't no
place I'm going to ♪
♪ Hey Mr. Tambourine Man ♪
♪ Play a song for me ♪
♪ In this jingle
jangle Morning ♪
♪ I'll come following you ♪
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
For the last time, men!
Shoot! Agarn.
Will you please get out
from in front of the cannon?
You could get hurt, Agarn.
Oh, I don't wanna
get hurt, Dobbs.
I wanna die!
Agarn, are you out of your mind?
For the last time, Duffy,
fire! That's an order!
Corporal, what is
the matter with you?
Well, sir, I just
got this letter.
You're not the first soldier
ever to be dropped by a girl.
What girl?! This is
from the Bedbugs.
Oh, that musical group
you were gonna manage?
That's right, captain.
They're in England.
They were a big
hit in Liverpool,
a smash in London.
They gave a command
performance for the queen.
And now it looks like they're
gonna be knighted. Ho-ho.
Yeah, well, that's
show biz, baby.
[♪♪♪]
Fire! Fire!
[♪♪♪]