F Troop (1965–1967): Season 2, Episode 22 - V Is for Vampire - full transcript
Count Sforza, an emigrant from Transylvania, arrives in town. He comes in a hearse, has pale skin and has a crow he calls "Brother." The men of F-Troop suspect he may be a vampire, given ...
[♪♪♪]
Now, I want you to
pay attention, Agarn.
Gonna teach you something
about battle tactics. Ahem.
There is the main body
of my army, you got it?
Right.
Now, the enemy comes
up with the infantry
on a frontal attack.
You got that, right?
AGARN: Sarge.
Would you pass the infantry?
Oh, all right.
Now they come around on my flank
with their cavalry, you see?
Are you paying
attention? Yeah, sarge.
Pass the cavalry.
Agarn, I'm trying to
teach you something.
Captain, sir,
if you were the enemy, what
would be your next move?
Captain... Aah! Aah!
He just wiped out
your whole army.
Is, uh, something wrong, sir?
That's what I'm
trying to find out.
I guess I'd better
let you men in on it.
I've just received a communiqué
from the War Department. Mm-hm.
Hush-hush, sir? Top hush.
What'd it say?
Mary, Mary, quite contrary
How does your garden grow?
Shhh.
Captain, you must have
opened up the wrong envelope.
Your name ain't Mary.
Agarn, that's code.
When you decoded
the message, sir,
what did it say?
Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet.
C-captain?
That's War Department lingo
for "be on the lookout for...
[WHISPERING] spies."
Spies?! BOTH: Aah!
Let's get out of here.
It's not just spies.
We have to be on the alert
for any suspicious characters.
He... Well, captain,
take it from me,
there are no
suspicious characters
around Fort Courage.
[♪♪♪]
[SQUAWKING]
Good evening.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Good evening.
Good evening.
Uh, I mean, howdy.
I am Count Sforza
from Transylvania.
I'm Jane Angelica
Thrift from... right here.
Is there something I
can do for you, count?
Yes.
As we say in Transylvania:
[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
What does that mean?
Please, may I look around?
Sure.
[♪♪♪]
Jane.
I'm sorry, Jane.
I'm not usually this clumsy.
That's all right, Wilton.
I... I guess I've been
on edge ever since that...
That weird-looking
stranger came to town.
Have you seen him?
He looks like a bat.
I'd sure hate to have him
creep up behind
me on a dark night.
Good evening. Good evening.
I am Count Sforza.
[GULPS]
I'm, uh... We, w...
I'm, uh, Captain Parmenter,
commanding the fort.
Oh, how inconsiderate of me.
I forgot to introduce
you to my brother.
Is he here too?
No, no. This is my brother.
Brother, meet Miss Thrift
and Captain Parmenter.
[SQUAWKING] How do you do?
I have just rented the
old Worthington house
at the edge of town.
The Worthington house?
Why, they say that's haunted.
It's exactly what
I was looking for.
Have you decided on, uh,
what you want yet, count?
Yes, yes.
I would like, uh, a keg of nails
and four large pine slabs,
two sacks of plaster,
and 20 yards of black crepe.
Do you deliver, my dear?
Yes.
Thank you. You
are most charming.
[CHUCKLES]
[MOUTHS] Thanks.
You have charming hair.
Charming eyes.
Charming mouth.
Charming neck.
[♪♪♪]
Wilton, that man
gives me the shivers.
Don't you worry, Jane,
I am here to protect you.
I tell you, I saw it
with my own eyes.
Agarn, what's holding things up?
Aw, Vanderbilt's been
telling us about that stranger.
Ah, well, don't believe
all those stupid rumors.
I didn't put no
stock in it, sarge.
Do you wanna really
hear something?
I hear he's been doing
some very strange
window-shopping.
What's strange about
window-shopping?
He's been doing it in
front of the undertaker's.
Come on, sarge!
You can't scare me.
Good evening.
But he can.
Mister,
why do you always
say "good evening"
when it's afternoon?
Goodness gracious,
I must have forgot
to wind my watch.
I am Count Sforza
from Transylvania.
Just passing through?
Do you know the old
Worthington house?
That creepy, gloomy,
haunted, spooky old place?
I just rented
it. You'll love it.
Yeah, but don't expect
too many visitors.
[♪♪♪]
You have a little
scratch on your throat.
Yeah, I... nicked
myself shaving.
You must be more careful.
[MOUTHS] I know.
In Transylvania,
we have a saying:
[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
What's that mean?
Don't waste blood.
[♪♪♪]
Yes, sir. Good thinking, sir.
Uh, captain, sir, any
new developments
on Count Sforza?
As a matter of fact,
I was just making
some plans for this...
Allow me, sir.
[GRUNTING]
There you are, sir.
Thank you, corporal.
There's just one thing.
What's that, sir?
I was trying to put it on.
O'ROURKE: Oh, did you...?
About Count Sforza, sir.
Oh, yes, yes. I was making plans
for the security of the fort,
in case he is a spy.
Well, I have a theory.
Everyone's gonna
say it's ridiculous.
Oh, no, we won't, corporal.
Why, in F Troop, we
value every man's opinion.
Well, sir... I think
Count Sforza is a...
A vampire.
That's ridiculous.
I've been reading
up on vampires, sir,
and it all fits.
Transylvania. The black cape.
The haunted house.
The bird brother. The neck.
Now, now, corporal.
Get ahold of yourself.
There are no such
things as vampires.
Are you sure, sir?
They're not mentioned
in the Army manual.
O'ROURKE: Come on, Agarn.
All you need is a
good night's sleep.
[♪♪♪]
Sarge. [MUMBLES]
Sarge.
Sarge.
It says here that vampires
come out of their
coffins at night
and bite people on the neck.
Agarn, will you go to sleep.
I can't, sarge. I'm scared.
Go to sleep!
What if I blow out the candle
and Sforza comes in here
and creeps up on me, and:
[TRANSYLVANIAN
ACCENT] Good evening?
Agarn, cut that out.
It says right there in the book
that vampires only come
out at night, right, huh?
Yeah.
Well, Count Sforza
comes out in the daytime,
so that should prove he
is not a vampire, right?
Well, what if he's
a vampire with...
With insomnia?
Go to sleep.
Agarn, put out the light.
Wanna play cards?
No, I don't wanna play cards.
Checkers? Cribbage? Whist?
You don't know
how to play whist.
I do too.
I'm the fastest
whist in the West.
Good night!
Oh, boy. Now what?
Can I have a drink of water?
No, you can't have
a drink of water
until in the morning.
Why can't I have it now?
If you have a drink of water now
and Count Sforza comes
in and bites you in the neck,
you'll leak.
Go to sleep.
[♪♪♪]
Now, that's what
I call a paleface.
I am Count Sforza
from Transylvania.
CRAZY CAT: Me find
him sneaking around camp.
I was not sneaking.
I was merely looking
for some wolfberries
for my dinner.
He set funny table.
We not like strangers
prowling around camp.
Next time, throw lance
first, ask questions later.
We have old Transylvania saying:
[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
CRAZY CAT: What that mean?
When the light of the full moon
bathes the mountains,
then the wild dog will howl,
but the castle is dark.
You stealed saying from Hekawi.
This must be
paleface visiting hour.
Here come O'Rourke and Agarn.
Good evening.
He forgot to wind
his watch again.
What's he doing here?
I was picking wolfberries
to make wolfberry pie.
You can go now.
SFORZA: Thank you.
Thank you for your hospitality.
I will save you a piece.
Never mind.
Every time me eat wolfberry pie,
stomach howl all night.
[♪♪♪]
We came to warn you about him.
Him seem harmless.
Just don't make
him a blood brother.
[♪♪♪]
Howdy, Wilton.
Oh, hello, Jane.
I'm going out to the
Worthington house
to deliver Count
Sforza's supplies.
Wanna come along?
Oh, gosh, I'm sorry, Jane,
but Dobbs and I
are taking inventory.
But our date's
still on for tonight.
All right.
Pick me up at the store.
You should have
gone with her, captain.
Oh, no, no, no.
Jane can take care of herself.
Now, where were we, Dobbs?
Up to postage stamps, sir.
Oh, yes, yes.
Here, um... I'll count them.
[MUTTERS]
See, there's... Uh...
Um... There's one.
[♪♪♪]
Jane?
Jane!
"Be back at 4:00."
Four o'clock?
Maybe Dobbs was right.
I should have gone with her.
[THUNDER CRASHING]
I still say we didn't
have to come.
We could have wrote
a threatening letter.
Listen, Jane
could be in trouble.
She was last seen
heading for here.
Sergeant, please.
Don't say "last seen."
Oh. Well, I'm sorry, sir.
Uh, here goes.
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
Nobody home? Let's go.
Wait, wait.
All right.
We'll take a look inside.
[THUNDER CRASHING]
Sarge, don't leave me.
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
Who's there?
It's me, the captain.
Captain who?
Agarn, let him in.
[CREAKING]
[SLAMS]
Somebody light a candle.
Oh, yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Here we are.
There.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Sarge, hold that candle still.
Thank you, sir.
Now, let's have a look around,
see what this place
looks like, huh?
[THUNDER CRASHING]
Jane?
PARMENTER [ECHOING]: Jane.
Jane!
O'ROURKE [ECHOING]: Jane!
J-J-J-Jane?
AGARN [ECHOING]:
J-J-J-Jane? Jane?
[THUNDER CRASHES]
Was that Jane? What?
Probably just a shutter
blowing closed, yeah.
"Probably" ain't good enough.
[ORGAN PLAYING]
It's coming from in there.
Come on, we'll have a look.
[THUNDER CRASHES]
[GRUNTS]
Nobody here.
Anybody who plays that
bad shouldn't stick around.
I'd better check upstairs.
You two stay here in
case the count comes back.
Yes, sir. Yes,
sir. Good luck, sir.
Oh!
[♪♪♪]
[THUNDER CRASHES]
In case Count Sforza comes back,
you better do all the talking,
'cause I'm gonna faint.
You still got vampires
on the brain, huh?
Jane disappeared
into thin air, didn't she?
What does it take to
convince you, sarge?
Sarge?
Sarge?
Where are you, sarge?
[THUNDER CRASHES]
Sarge?
Sarge?
Sarge?
Jane?
PARMENTER [ECHOING]: Jane.
[CLUCKING]
[SHUDDERS]
Shhh.
[THUNDER CRASHES] Ooh!
[RATTLES]
[ORGAN PLAYING]
Ow.
Agarn?
Agarn?
Sarge?
Sarge?
Sarge?
[SNEEZES]
Gesundheit.
[PANTING]
[♪♪♪]
Captain?
Oh, captain, my captain.
He turned his
brother into a crow,
and now he's turned
you into a chicken.
But don't you worry, sir.
We'll always be loyal.
From now on, the F in F Troop
will always stand for fowl.
And you'll always be the
commanding chicken...
at the fort.
Congratulations, captain.
You're a mother.
Agarn? Sarge!
Don't raise your voice
in front of the chicken.
Have you popped your cork?
The chicken will hear you.
Well, what do I care if
the chicken hears me?
Do you wanna lose your stripes?
What? Give him a salute.
Who? The chicken.
Agarn.
Sarge, that chicken
ain't really a chicken.
That's the captain.
Count Sforza changed him.
Agarn, that is a
chicken and nothing else.
Now, the captain's
probably upstairs.
Come on.
[♪♪♪]
Good evening.
[SHOUTS]
[SHOUTS]
What do we do now? Uh...
We gotta drive a stake
right through his heart.
It's the only way. What
are you talking about?
It's the only way
to kill a vampire.
I read it in a book.
What are you doing in my house?
We're gonna take
care of the vampire
who took care of Jane.
You are trespassing, my friends.
Be careful. Agarn
has got a stake.
It's the only way to
deal with vampires.
PARMENTER: He read it in a book.
Howdy, Wilton.
Oh, hi, Jane.
JANE: What's going on?
Agarn's going to
destroy the vampire
who made you disappear.
Jane?
Where have you been?
In Carson City.
I didn't have
enough black crepe,
so I had to get some more.
We thought the vampire got you.
What vampire?
Who said that I was a vampire?
[SFORZA LAUGHS]
Where I come from
in Transylvania,
I was the only one on my
block who was not a vampire.
No, I had to move because I
was giving my neighborhood a...
A good reputation.
And you're not a spy either?
SFORZA: No, I come
here to Fort Courage
to live in peace and freedom
and to have a little
place of my own
where I could raise chickens.
Then why did you
arrive in a hearse?
Because it was the only
means of transportation
that I could find.
Tell them why you
rented this haunted house.
SFORZA: It was cheap.
And it's not haunted.
Oh, it does have a
secret passageway, yes,
but that was built
by the former owner
as an escape
route for his family
during the Indian Wars.
What about the
crow you call brother?
But that's his name: Brother.
And he is like a
brother to me because...
Well, you see, I
was an only child,
and he was an only crow.
Now, aren't you boys
ashamed of yourselves?
[ORGAN PLAYING]
What was that?
If you don't know,
we'd better find out.
It's Brother.
Yes.
I knew that Brother
couldn't sing,
but I never dreamed
that he could play the organ.
Well, it just shows you how
you can misjudge a person.
Yeah, that'll teach us not
to go by appearances, sir.
Now. Now, you take that man.
If we hadn't learned our lesson,
I would say that
that man was a spy.
Yeah, I would too, sir.
Or even an anarchist.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Yeah, but now we know better.
Pardon me.
Oh, sir!
Sir, you dropped your bomb.
Bomb!
[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
[EXPLOSION]
[♪♪♪]
Now, I want you to
pay attention, Agarn.
Gonna teach you something
about battle tactics. Ahem.
There is the main body
of my army, you got it?
Right.
Now, the enemy comes
up with the infantry
on a frontal attack.
You got that, right?
AGARN: Sarge.
Would you pass the infantry?
Oh, all right.
Now they come around on my flank
with their cavalry, you see?
Are you paying
attention? Yeah, sarge.
Pass the cavalry.
Agarn, I'm trying to
teach you something.
Captain, sir,
if you were the enemy, what
would be your next move?
Captain... Aah! Aah!
He just wiped out
your whole army.
Is, uh, something wrong, sir?
That's what I'm
trying to find out.
I guess I'd better
let you men in on it.
I've just received a communiqué
from the War Department. Mm-hm.
Hush-hush, sir? Top hush.
What'd it say?
Mary, Mary, quite contrary
How does your garden grow?
Shhh.
Captain, you must have
opened up the wrong envelope.
Your name ain't Mary.
Agarn, that's code.
When you decoded
the message, sir,
what did it say?
Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet.
C-captain?
That's War Department lingo
for "be on the lookout for...
[WHISPERING] spies."
Spies?! BOTH: Aah!
Let's get out of here.
It's not just spies.
We have to be on the alert
for any suspicious characters.
He... Well, captain,
take it from me,
there are no
suspicious characters
around Fort Courage.
[♪♪♪]
[SQUAWKING]
Good evening.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Good evening.
Good evening.
Uh, I mean, howdy.
I am Count Sforza
from Transylvania.
I'm Jane Angelica
Thrift from... right here.
Is there something I
can do for you, count?
Yes.
As we say in Transylvania:
[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
What does that mean?
Please, may I look around?
Sure.
[♪♪♪]
Jane.
I'm sorry, Jane.
I'm not usually this clumsy.
That's all right, Wilton.
I... I guess I've been
on edge ever since that...
That weird-looking
stranger came to town.
Have you seen him?
He looks like a bat.
I'd sure hate to have him
creep up behind
me on a dark night.
Good evening. Good evening.
I am Count Sforza.
[GULPS]
I'm, uh... We, w...
I'm, uh, Captain Parmenter,
commanding the fort.
Oh, how inconsiderate of me.
I forgot to introduce
you to my brother.
Is he here too?
No, no. This is my brother.
Brother, meet Miss Thrift
and Captain Parmenter.
[SQUAWKING] How do you do?
I have just rented the
old Worthington house
at the edge of town.
The Worthington house?
Why, they say that's haunted.
It's exactly what
I was looking for.
Have you decided on, uh,
what you want yet, count?
Yes, yes.
I would like, uh, a keg of nails
and four large pine slabs,
two sacks of plaster,
and 20 yards of black crepe.
Do you deliver, my dear?
Yes.
Thank you. You
are most charming.
[CHUCKLES]
[MOUTHS] Thanks.
You have charming hair.
Charming eyes.
Charming mouth.
Charming neck.
[♪♪♪]
Wilton, that man
gives me the shivers.
Don't you worry, Jane,
I am here to protect you.
I tell you, I saw it
with my own eyes.
Agarn, what's holding things up?
Aw, Vanderbilt's been
telling us about that stranger.
Ah, well, don't believe
all those stupid rumors.
I didn't put no
stock in it, sarge.
Do you wanna really
hear something?
I hear he's been doing
some very strange
window-shopping.
What's strange about
window-shopping?
He's been doing it in
front of the undertaker's.
Come on, sarge!
You can't scare me.
Good evening.
But he can.
Mister,
why do you always
say "good evening"
when it's afternoon?
Goodness gracious,
I must have forgot
to wind my watch.
I am Count Sforza
from Transylvania.
Just passing through?
Do you know the old
Worthington house?
That creepy, gloomy,
haunted, spooky old place?
I just rented
it. You'll love it.
Yeah, but don't expect
too many visitors.
[♪♪♪]
You have a little
scratch on your throat.
Yeah, I... nicked
myself shaving.
You must be more careful.
[MOUTHS] I know.
In Transylvania,
we have a saying:
[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
What's that mean?
Don't waste blood.
[♪♪♪]
Yes, sir. Good thinking, sir.
Uh, captain, sir, any
new developments
on Count Sforza?
As a matter of fact,
I was just making
some plans for this...
Allow me, sir.
[GRUNTING]
There you are, sir.
Thank you, corporal.
There's just one thing.
What's that, sir?
I was trying to put it on.
O'ROURKE: Oh, did you...?
About Count Sforza, sir.
Oh, yes, yes. I was making plans
for the security of the fort,
in case he is a spy.
Well, I have a theory.
Everyone's gonna
say it's ridiculous.
Oh, no, we won't, corporal.
Why, in F Troop, we
value every man's opinion.
Well, sir... I think
Count Sforza is a...
A vampire.
That's ridiculous.
I've been reading
up on vampires, sir,
and it all fits.
Transylvania. The black cape.
The haunted house.
The bird brother. The neck.
Now, now, corporal.
Get ahold of yourself.
There are no such
things as vampires.
Are you sure, sir?
They're not mentioned
in the Army manual.
O'ROURKE: Come on, Agarn.
All you need is a
good night's sleep.
[♪♪♪]
Sarge. [MUMBLES]
Sarge.
Sarge.
It says here that vampires
come out of their
coffins at night
and bite people on the neck.
Agarn, will you go to sleep.
I can't, sarge. I'm scared.
Go to sleep!
What if I blow out the candle
and Sforza comes in here
and creeps up on me, and:
[TRANSYLVANIAN
ACCENT] Good evening?
Agarn, cut that out.
It says right there in the book
that vampires only come
out at night, right, huh?
Yeah.
Well, Count Sforza
comes out in the daytime,
so that should prove he
is not a vampire, right?
Well, what if he's
a vampire with...
With insomnia?
Go to sleep.
Agarn, put out the light.
Wanna play cards?
No, I don't wanna play cards.
Checkers? Cribbage? Whist?
You don't know
how to play whist.
I do too.
I'm the fastest
whist in the West.
Good night!
Oh, boy. Now what?
Can I have a drink of water?
No, you can't have
a drink of water
until in the morning.
Why can't I have it now?
If you have a drink of water now
and Count Sforza comes
in and bites you in the neck,
you'll leak.
Go to sleep.
[♪♪♪]
Now, that's what
I call a paleface.
I am Count Sforza
from Transylvania.
CRAZY CAT: Me find
him sneaking around camp.
I was not sneaking.
I was merely looking
for some wolfberries
for my dinner.
He set funny table.
We not like strangers
prowling around camp.
Next time, throw lance
first, ask questions later.
We have old Transylvania saying:
[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
CRAZY CAT: What that mean?
When the light of the full moon
bathes the mountains,
then the wild dog will howl,
but the castle is dark.
You stealed saying from Hekawi.
This must be
paleface visiting hour.
Here come O'Rourke and Agarn.
Good evening.
He forgot to wind
his watch again.
What's he doing here?
I was picking wolfberries
to make wolfberry pie.
You can go now.
SFORZA: Thank you.
Thank you for your hospitality.
I will save you a piece.
Never mind.
Every time me eat wolfberry pie,
stomach howl all night.
[♪♪♪]
We came to warn you about him.
Him seem harmless.
Just don't make
him a blood brother.
[♪♪♪]
Howdy, Wilton.
Oh, hello, Jane.
I'm going out to the
Worthington house
to deliver Count
Sforza's supplies.
Wanna come along?
Oh, gosh, I'm sorry, Jane,
but Dobbs and I
are taking inventory.
But our date's
still on for tonight.
All right.
Pick me up at the store.
You should have
gone with her, captain.
Oh, no, no, no.
Jane can take care of herself.
Now, where were we, Dobbs?
Up to postage stamps, sir.
Oh, yes, yes.
Here, um... I'll count them.
[MUTTERS]
See, there's... Uh...
Um... There's one.
[♪♪♪]
Jane?
Jane!
"Be back at 4:00."
Four o'clock?
Maybe Dobbs was right.
I should have gone with her.
[THUNDER CRASHING]
I still say we didn't
have to come.
We could have wrote
a threatening letter.
Listen, Jane
could be in trouble.
She was last seen
heading for here.
Sergeant, please.
Don't say "last seen."
Oh. Well, I'm sorry, sir.
Uh, here goes.
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
Nobody home? Let's go.
Wait, wait.
All right.
We'll take a look inside.
[THUNDER CRASHING]
Sarge, don't leave me.
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
Who's there?
It's me, the captain.
Captain who?
Agarn, let him in.
[CREAKING]
[SLAMS]
Somebody light a candle.
Oh, yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Here we are.
There.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Sarge, hold that candle still.
Thank you, sir.
Now, let's have a look around,
see what this place
looks like, huh?
[THUNDER CRASHING]
Jane?
PARMENTER [ECHOING]: Jane.
Jane!
O'ROURKE [ECHOING]: Jane!
J-J-J-Jane?
AGARN [ECHOING]:
J-J-J-Jane? Jane?
[THUNDER CRASHES]
Was that Jane? What?
Probably just a shutter
blowing closed, yeah.
"Probably" ain't good enough.
[ORGAN PLAYING]
It's coming from in there.
Come on, we'll have a look.
[THUNDER CRASHES]
[GRUNTS]
Nobody here.
Anybody who plays that
bad shouldn't stick around.
I'd better check upstairs.
You two stay here in
case the count comes back.
Yes, sir. Yes,
sir. Good luck, sir.
Oh!
[♪♪♪]
[THUNDER CRASHES]
In case Count Sforza comes back,
you better do all the talking,
'cause I'm gonna faint.
You still got vampires
on the brain, huh?
Jane disappeared
into thin air, didn't she?
What does it take to
convince you, sarge?
Sarge?
Sarge?
Where are you, sarge?
[THUNDER CRASHES]
Sarge?
Sarge?
Sarge?
Jane?
PARMENTER [ECHOING]: Jane.
[CLUCKING]
[SHUDDERS]
Shhh.
[THUNDER CRASHES] Ooh!
[RATTLES]
[ORGAN PLAYING]
Ow.
Agarn?
Agarn?
Sarge?
Sarge?
Sarge?
[SNEEZES]
Gesundheit.
[PANTING]
[♪♪♪]
Captain?
Oh, captain, my captain.
He turned his
brother into a crow,
and now he's turned
you into a chicken.
But don't you worry, sir.
We'll always be loyal.
From now on, the F in F Troop
will always stand for fowl.
And you'll always be the
commanding chicken...
at the fort.
Congratulations, captain.
You're a mother.
Agarn? Sarge!
Don't raise your voice
in front of the chicken.
Have you popped your cork?
The chicken will hear you.
Well, what do I care if
the chicken hears me?
Do you wanna lose your stripes?
What? Give him a salute.
Who? The chicken.
Agarn.
Sarge, that chicken
ain't really a chicken.
That's the captain.
Count Sforza changed him.
Agarn, that is a
chicken and nothing else.
Now, the captain's
probably upstairs.
Come on.
[♪♪♪]
Good evening.
[SHOUTS]
[SHOUTS]
What do we do now? Uh...
We gotta drive a stake
right through his heart.
It's the only way. What
are you talking about?
It's the only way
to kill a vampire.
I read it in a book.
What are you doing in my house?
We're gonna take
care of the vampire
who took care of Jane.
You are trespassing, my friends.
Be careful. Agarn
has got a stake.
It's the only way to
deal with vampires.
PARMENTER: He read it in a book.
Howdy, Wilton.
Oh, hi, Jane.
JANE: What's going on?
Agarn's going to
destroy the vampire
who made you disappear.
Jane?
Where have you been?
In Carson City.
I didn't have
enough black crepe,
so I had to get some more.
We thought the vampire got you.
What vampire?
Who said that I was a vampire?
[SFORZA LAUGHS]
Where I come from
in Transylvania,
I was the only one on my
block who was not a vampire.
No, I had to move because I
was giving my neighborhood a...
A good reputation.
And you're not a spy either?
SFORZA: No, I come
here to Fort Courage
to live in peace and freedom
and to have a little
place of my own
where I could raise chickens.
Then why did you
arrive in a hearse?
Because it was the only
means of transportation
that I could find.
Tell them why you
rented this haunted house.
SFORZA: It was cheap.
And it's not haunted.
Oh, it does have a
secret passageway, yes,
but that was built
by the former owner
as an escape
route for his family
during the Indian Wars.
What about the
crow you call brother?
But that's his name: Brother.
And he is like a
brother to me because...
Well, you see, I
was an only child,
and he was an only crow.
Now, aren't you boys
ashamed of yourselves?
[ORGAN PLAYING]
What was that?
If you don't know,
we'd better find out.
It's Brother.
Yes.
I knew that Brother
couldn't sing,
but I never dreamed
that he could play the organ.
Well, it just shows you how
you can misjudge a person.
Yeah, that'll teach us not
to go by appearances, sir.
Now. Now, you take that man.
If we hadn't learned our lesson,
I would say that
that man was a spy.
Yeah, I would too, sir.
Or even an anarchist.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Yeah, but now we know better.
Pardon me.
Oh, sir!
Sir, you dropped your bomb.
Bomb!
[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
[EXPLOSION]
[♪♪♪]