F Troop (1965–1967): Season 2, Episode 2 - How to Be F Troop Without Really Trying - full transcript
Everyone in F Troop is transferred except for Agarn who must train the new troops that are worse than his comrades.
[♪♪♪]
Wilton.
Hi, Jane. Wilton.
I just saw the inspector
general heading this way.
Probably coming to make
a surprise inspection, sir.
Ahh! Them officers are
sneakier than Indians.
Present company excepted, sir.
Thank you. Are you
sure it was Major Bradley?
Sure looked like him.
I'll see you later, Wilton.
Vanderbilt?
Vanderbilt!
Do you see an officer coming?
I don't think so, sarge.
We never get rain
this time of year.
I said... Agh.
Save your breath, sarge.
Here he comes, sir.
Uh, I'll call the
troop to attention.
Yeah, I'd better get my sword.
Dobbs! Blow assembly.
Duffy, give him a hand.
AGARN: All right, you
men. Fall in. On the double.
[BLOWING BUGLE POORLY]
That's enough, hot lips.
All right, you men.
Now, come on now.
Dress it up. Look alive.
Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
Major Bradley, heh-heh.
What a pleasant surprise... Ow!
You all right, Parmenter?
Yes, yes. I'm fi...
Fine. I'm... Fine.
Captain, sir...
Is that a friendly or
unfriendly Indian?
He's friendly. I mea...
I mean, he's un...
Uh... Never mind, Vanderbilt.
All right, gun crew, fall
out for cannon salute.
[♪♪♪]
Fire it up.
I don't understand
how that happened, sir.
Uh, I'd like to
apologize for that, sir,
but in all fairness, F Troop
has had a lot of malfunctions.
Yes, and we've also had
trouble with the cannon.
No apologies necessary.
This is not an inspection.
It isn't?
No, captain. I've
come here to tell you
that F Troop has been selected
to train recruits for
cavalry replacements.
Oh!
Well, congratulations, sir.
Uh, who are they
going to replace?
F Troop.
[LAUGHS] You've
had your laugh, major.
Sir, why did you
really come here?
Your entire troop will be
transferred from Fort Courage.
With the exception of
one non-commission officer
who will remain.
Who's that, sir?
Corporal Agarn.
Lt. Harrison should
arrive tomorrow
with the recruits.
Right, sir.
[SOBBING]
Now, now.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
But, sir, you've got to
send a wire to Washington
requesting that they
rescind that order.
And if you won't do that, sir,
at least request them to
send me along with F Troop.
You can't leave me
behind with a bunch of...
strangers.
I'm sorry, men. I don't like
this any more than you do.
But... But at times like this,
I always remember
what my father,
General Horatio Parmenter,
told me when I was
just a little boy of 9.
He sat me down in a chair,
and he said to me:
"Son, there will be
times in the Army
"when you will receive an order
"that in your heart of
hearts, you feel is unjust,
"and your first instinct
will be to ignore that order.
"But you will find,
if you examine
"the situation carefully, that
those above you in high posts
"sometimes appear to
give frivolous commands
"that never meet
with your approval.
"But if you examine
the situation further,
"it will ultimately be proven
"that your superiors
have only good intentions
"for you and the Army,
and that the entire service
is based on obeying orders."
How old were you when
you got off the chair?
Mwah. Oh, Wilton, I
just heard the news.
Janey, please.
I've told you not
in front of my men.
Don't worry about protocol
at a time like this, sir.
We're all letting our hair down.
Sarge, you can't leave me.
Wilton, you've gotta
do something about this.
O'ROURKE: It's no good, Janey.
I've already asked
him to wire Washington
and rescind that order.
He says he will not do it.
That's right, Jane.
In a situation like this,
I always remember what
my father once told me.
You better not
start that, captain.
You may be transferred
before you finish.
You may be right, sergeant.
But, Jane, a commander of
a post can't wire Washington
every time he
disagrees with an order.
Oh, Wilton.
Oh, sarge.
Now, Randolph. Randolph.
It's gonna be okay.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Lieutenant Mark
Harrison reporting, sir.
Uh... At ease,
lieutenant. You too, Jane.
I brought the new
recruits, captain.
Oh, good. Good.
Uh... Uh, this is
Sergeant O'Rourke.
[SOBS ONCE] Corporal Agarn.
And Wrangler Jane.
Jeepers creepers.
Where'd you get those peepers?
What?
Where'd you get those eyes?
Uh, you'd better be getting back
to your recruits, lieutenant.
I'll be right out.
Uh, yes, sir.
My, they sure sent out
a cute one, didn't they?
Sergeant, take a
wire to Washington.
Yes, sir. Right away, sir.
This is going to the
Department of War,
Bureau of Territorial
Assignments.
Sir.
This is to request that F
Troop remain at Fort Courage.
JANE: Why don't you
all sit down and relax?
What do you mean, relax?
We've got to get an answer
from Washington
as soon as possible.
Just remember, a
watched pot never boils.
And just remember,
an apple a day
keeps the doctor away.
What has that
got to do with this?
Well, if she's
worried about her pot,
I can certainly worry
about my health.
Agarn.
Now, men, Jane is
right. We've got to relax.
Yeah. Yeah...
Oh, Janey, I owe you two cents.
I'm gonna get some peppermint.
Help yourself, O'Rourke. Mm.
Janey... how much is this hat?
[SIGHS] Agarn.
PARMENTER: Corporal,
that's a very chic hat,
but I'm afraid
it's not regulation.
What are you gonna do?
Join the three musketeers?
It's not for me.
That's a relief.
It's for my mother
back in Passaic.
Well, that hat
sells regular for $3,
but you can have it for 1.50.
That's a terrific bargain.
I'll give you 75 cents cash.
Sold.
[MACHINE TAPPING]
To... Captain Wilton Parmenter,
um, commanding...
officer, F Troop,
Fort Courage.
From Washington, D.C.,
War Department,
Cavalry Headquarters,
uh, Bureau of Western
Territorial Posts,
uh, Department
of Indian Affairs,
Commander of Liaison
and Troop Assignment.
Here comes the message.
[MACHINE TAPPING]
What was the message?
No.
All right, men.
Let's start training
the recruits.
[♪♪♪]
Men... this is a bugle.
One of you will be the
new company bugler.
Now, it's a very difficult
instrument to play,
but I will do my
best to give you
the benefit of my
years of experience.
Here, soldier. See if you can
get some kind of
a sound out of that.
[PLAYING PERFECTLY]
Now, you try it, soldier.
[BLOWING, SQUEAKING]
Congratulations. You're
the new company bugler.
The first thing you have to
do is learn Indian identification.
This is a Sioux.
This is a Comanche.
This is an Apache.
They're the most
dangerous of all.
Notice where they hide
their bow and arrows.
All right now, pay attention.
This is a head.
This is a leg.
This is a tail.
And when you put
them all together,
it's a horse.
I guess I shouldn't
be sensitive, sarge,
but... I'm under a strain.
Well, we all are. Now, I'm
gonna miss you too, buddy.
I know that, sarge.
Tell you something else.
I'm gonna miss this old fort.
It won't be the same
without you, sarge.
Nah.
Yeah, but... they
got a worse problem.
It's sure going to feel
strange being in another fort.
Seems to me if
you've seen one fort,
you've seen 'em all.
Oh, no. No, not to me, Jane.
This is my first
command, you know.
I still get a thrill
just looking up
at the flag flying over my post.
Oh!
Oh, Wilton! Are you all right?
Bread and butter.
[SIGHS]
I imagine there'll be lots of
pretty girls at your new post.
I imagine. I'll
probably have to post
a guard outside my quarters.
[CHUCKLES]
If you don't, I will.
I wouldn't worry, Jane. Oh! Oh!
Wilton! You all right?
Yes, yes, yes.
I'm fine. I'm fine.
Maybe you ought to
go back to your office.
No. No, no, no. I...
I wanna go over to the
well and make a wish.
Them poor kids.
[♪♪♪]
What did you wish, Wilton?
We... You're not
supposed to tell your wish.
It won't come true.
Well, you can tell me.
Well, I wished that someday
I'd come back to Fort Courage.
Oh, Wilton.
Janey, please, not on the post.
Funny, I didn't hear
that penny hit the water.
Come to think
of it, neither did I.
[GASPS]
All right, you
recruits, fall in!
Line up for inspection.
We'll make horse
soldiers out of you yet.
You're doing a
fine job, corporal.
Thank you, sir.
Oh, Captain Parmenter,
can I see you a minute, sir?
What can I do for
you, lieutenant?
Tell me, sir, do you, uh...?
Do you ever let the horses
graze outside of the fort
so they can eat wild oats?
Occasionally.
Speaking of wild oats,
what is your relationship
with Wrangler Jane?
That's a very personal
question, lieutenant.
Well, I noticed she wasn't
wearing an engagement ring.
No, but I gave her a hand-woven
saddle blanket for her horse.
What does that mean?
It means I'm very fond of her.
Of her horse?
No. Jane.
Oh, I see.
Although when... Whenever
she comes over to the fort,
she does come right up
and nibbles on my ear.
Jane?
No, her horse.
Well, can you actually say
that you've ever tied her up?
The horse?
No. Jane.
Oh. Uh, well, no.
I can't actually say that I have
either of them tied up.
That's all I wanted
to know, sir.
[♪♪♪]
[SIGHS]
You guys... packing already?
Got to. We're
moving out tomorrow.
I'm sure gonna miss you, Dobbs.
Gonna miss you too, Agarn.
Sure wish you's going with us.
Well. That's the
way it goes, but...
we'll meet again.
One of these days, we'll
wind up at the same fort...
soldiering together...
having laughs.
Sure we will, Agarn.
Dobbs, old buddy...
could you give me
one more bugle call,
just for old time's sake?
I'll be glad to.
[LOUD BUGLE NOISES]
On second thought,
I may not miss you
as much as I think.
Sorry you're not
coming with us, Agarn.
You're a great little corporal.
Thanks, Duff. Coming
from you, that...
really means something.
We could have used a
corporal like you at the Alamo,
when I was standing
there shoulder to shoulder
with old Jim Bowie
and Davy Crockett.
There we were,
backs to the wall,
cannonballs falling
to the right of us,
cannonballs
falling to the left...
Duffy! Why don't you
write me a letter about it?
Send it pony express.
Pony express stopped
running five years ago.
I know that, Duffy.
I wanna say goodbye to
you, Vanderbilt, old buddy.
That's awful nice of you, Agarn.
You've been a real friend.
I'm gonna miss seeing you.
You've always missed
seeing me, Vanderbilt.
I'm over here.
Oh. I thought
you'd gotten thinner.
You're a great
little lookout, Vandy.
And you'll always be
20-20... in my heart.
O'ROURKE: Agarn, where are you?
Coming, sarge.
Good luck, you guys.
Agarn? Ain't you gonna
see us off tomorrow?
Do you wanna see
a grown man cry?
Come on, Agarn.
Where are we going, sarge?
To the Hekawi camp.
I gotta tell Wild Eagle
you're taking over
O'Rourke Enterprises.
Well, the way my luck is
going, the minute I take over,
those Indians will wake up
and find out they're Indians.
You should have so many worries.
Those Hekawis wouldn't
go on the warpath for...
Ho-ho-ho! Wait a minute. Ho-ho.
Agarn, I don't know why
everybody says you're so dumb.
[♪♪♪]
Who says I'm dumb?
Oh. Will you forget it, Agarn?
Hey, chief. Just the
man I wanted to see.
You expecting
maybe Sitting Bull?
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Did you hear that?
Uh... He is a riot.
I don't know where he gets it.
Chief.
You're in a lot of trouble.
They're laughing at your jokes.
Why don't we sit right down here
and have a nice powwow?
Good idea, sarge. Craze.
Come on, chief.
Sit right down there.
Chief, you gonna
powwow with them?
What have you got to lose?
Now, look, I'm gonna
come right to the point.
I want you to tell
the inspector general
that you're gonna break
the treaty with the Army.
Now I know what we
got to lose: the tribe.
You got your laugh, O'Rourke.
What you really
come up here for?
Chief, you don't understand.
They're gonna replace
Captain Parmenter,
and everybody in F Troop
is gonna be shipped
out except me.
O'ROURKE: That's right.
And all I want you to do
is tell the inspector
general that Parmenter
is the only fort
commander you trust,
and they'll rescind the order.
Me trust everybody.
Even you, O'Rourke.
Wild Eagle get
along with everybody.
Me sign so many peace treaties,
only Indian chief
with writer's cramp.
Now, look, we don't want
you to break the treaty.
We just want you to threaten
the inspector
general that you will
if Captain Parmenter
is shipped out.
Chief, send up a smoke signal.
Say you'll go on the warpath
if F Troop is shipped out.
Do you think inspector
general believe that?
Why not? Agarn and I
are the only ones that know
that all your
brave-hearted warriors
are chicken-hearted braves.
You go too far, O'Rourke!
Hekawis not that big cowards.
All right, all right, I'm sorry.
But will you do this for us?
[PANTS]
All right. We send up signal.
[♪♪♪]
Tote that log.
Lift that blanket.
Thanks, chief. You're
tops in anybody's tepee.
Listen, I'll tell
the, uh, the IG
that he'd better have a meeting
with your bloodthirsty
warriors tonight.
Tonight? Better make
that tomorrow afternoon.
Why?
Bloodthirsty warriors
afraid of dark.
Ahh.
Sergeant, I'm glad you're here.
The Hekawis are
sending up a smoke signal.
So soon?
What's that?
I said, it's noon.
Can you tell what those
Indians are saying?
Oh, I think I can, sir.
He's one of the great
smoke readers of all time.
Uh, that is, uh...
Uh, Chief Wild Eagle
sending a message
to all the tribes, sir.
Well, sergeant,
what's he saying?
Uh, "To whom it may concern.
"Grapevine say Captain Parmenter
"leaving Fort Courage.
"If so, we go on warpath.
"Signed, uh...
sincerely, Chief Wild Eagle."
I can't believe he
would break the treaty
because of a change in command.
Begging your pardon,
major. But to the Hekawi,
Captain Parmenter has always
been "Taka Nana Ninga Poon." Hm.
What does that mean?
Mr. Nice Guy.
Uh, excuse me,
sir. There's a PS.
Says will hold powwow at, uh...
Uh, Big Tree Canyon.
I suggest we go there, major,
and straighten this thing out.
Send word we'll have
a powwow tonight.
Tomorrow. They're
afraid of the dark.
What's that?
I said, there goes a bird,
and I think it's a lark.
Oh.
[♪♪♪]
[MEN SHOUTING]
[CHANTING]
[HORSE WHINNIES]
[GRUNTS]
[CLEARS THROAT]
How, Chief Wild Eagle.
How, Mr. Nice Guy.
We come in peace.
We come in peace too.
Indian show good faith.
Put lance in ground.
Ugh.
You do same.
Show we meet as friends.
Certainly, chief.
[CHUCKLES]
Ahh!
Are you all right, chief?
Yeah. Fine, fine, fine.
Good.
Uh, this is Chief Wild Eagle
and his assistant, Crazy Cat.
This is Major Bradley,
the territorial
inspector general,
and Lieutenant Harrison.
And I think you know
Sergeant O'Rourke
and Corporal Agarn.
How. How.
How. How. How.
How. How.
Enough already with the hows!
Why don't you sit right
here? Chief? Major?
[♪♪♪]
[CLEARS THROAT]
Chief Wild Eagle...
I understand you're threatening
to break your peace treaty.
If he go, we go on warpath.
BRADLEY: But you made
that treaty in good faith.
I was told you even
smoked a peace pipe.
I didn't inhale.
But I assure you,
Lieutenant Harrison here
will treat your tribe
in the same manner
that Capt. Parmenter did.
How we know you not
speak with forked tongue?
I'm even willing
to put it in writing.
How we know you not
write with forked pen?
But nothing will
change if Fort Courage
is under the command
of Lt. Harrison.
Not interested.
Only paleface commander
we want is Mr. Nice Guy.
Chief... there's an
old cavalry saying.
Nice guys finish last.
Hm. Not a bad little saying.
I'm gonna ask you
for the last time.
Will you accept Lt. Harrison
as the new commander
and live with him in peace? No.
All right. In that case...
we'll have to start
using our new cannon.
You have new cannon?
Yes.
It's the water-cooled
Witzhower rapid-fire cannon
that could wipe out your
entire tribe in 10 minutes.
Lots of luck on your
new assignment, captain.
You'll accept this
young lieutenant?
I could tell by looking at
him, he's a sweetheart.
Chief, you've made
a wise decision.
And you won't regret living
up to your peace treaty.
Hekawi Indians always willing
to agree with anything.
If you don't see
it in the treaty,
just ask for it.
Lieutenant, our camp
only four miles from fort.
If you're in neighborhood,
drop in. Don't be stranger.
And let us hear
from you, captain,
even if it's just a postcard.
[♪♪♪]
Ahh!
[SHOUTING, YELLING]
[SOBBING]
Captain... I wanna
wish you good luck
in your new assignment
at... Bloody Creek.
Thank you, major.
Well, good luck, captain.
Thank you, lieutenant.
Goodbye, Jane.
Corporal Agarn. [SOBBING]
Forward... ho!
Bye!
Bye, people!
Oh, Wilton. You won't
forget me, will you?
I won't! You promise me.
Here. Oh.
Lieutenant, the command
of Fort Courage is all yours.
Thank you, sir. And I know
you'll be proud of G Troop.
Bugler, front and center.
[INDISTINCT BUGLE NOISES]
Lookout...
is everything clear
outside the fort?
No, thank you, corporal.
I just had my coffee.
Gun crew. Cannon salute!
[♪♪♪]
I just can't understand it, sir.
But if you give me
a little more time,
I know I can whip
them into a crack outfit.
[SIGHS]
Lieutenant Harrison...
there's room for only one
F Troop in this man's army.
Corporal Agarn.
Ride out... and tell
Captain Parmenter
to return with his men.
Bless you, sir. Bless you, sir.
Good luck on your new
assignment at Bloody Creek.
Wahoo!
I gotta hand it to you, sarge.
You got the troop
back from Bloody Creek.
I don't know how you do it.
I don't know either. But I
couldn't leave you behind.
Somebody's gotta look after you.
Ah. So you think
without you, I'm lost.
You think without you, I
couldn't pull on my own boots.
Pull on your own boots?
Without me, you
couldn't even find 'em.
Well, let me tell you
something, sarge.
I'm tired of your treating me
like I'm wet behind the ears.
Not wet behind the ears.
The water has seeped
into your brain. Well...
Just a minute, Jane.
All I said was, is that it's not
proper for a captain to say:
"Jeepers creepers, where'd
you get those peepers"?
JANE: Well, if
you'd stop looking
in your Army manual
and take a look at me,
maybe you'd notice the
things the lieutenant saw.
Sounds like you're sorry F
Troop is back at Fort Courage.
She's not the only one, sir.
I'd like to request a transfer.
A transfer, Agarn?
Yes, sir. To G Troop.
Listen, if you ever transferred
out of this outfit,
I would be lost.
I... I can pull on my own boots,
but it wouldn't be any
fun after I got 'em on.
Sarge.
I'm sorry, Jane. I... I
don't have to spend
so much time looking
at my Army manual.
Oh, Wilton.
Oh, sarge.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Jeepers creepers, we've
sure got a couple of weepers.
[BOTH LAUGH]
[♪♪♪]
Wilton.
Hi, Jane. Wilton.
I just saw the inspector
general heading this way.
Probably coming to make
a surprise inspection, sir.
Ahh! Them officers are
sneakier than Indians.
Present company excepted, sir.
Thank you. Are you
sure it was Major Bradley?
Sure looked like him.
I'll see you later, Wilton.
Vanderbilt?
Vanderbilt!
Do you see an officer coming?
I don't think so, sarge.
We never get rain
this time of year.
I said... Agh.
Save your breath, sarge.
Here he comes, sir.
Uh, I'll call the
troop to attention.
Yeah, I'd better get my sword.
Dobbs! Blow assembly.
Duffy, give him a hand.
AGARN: All right, you
men. Fall in. On the double.
[BLOWING BUGLE POORLY]
That's enough, hot lips.
All right, you men.
Now, come on now.
Dress it up. Look alive.
Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
Major Bradley, heh-heh.
What a pleasant surprise... Ow!
You all right, Parmenter?
Yes, yes. I'm fi...
Fine. I'm... Fine.
Captain, sir...
Is that a friendly or
unfriendly Indian?
He's friendly. I mea...
I mean, he's un...
Uh... Never mind, Vanderbilt.
All right, gun crew, fall
out for cannon salute.
[♪♪♪]
Fire it up.
I don't understand
how that happened, sir.
Uh, I'd like to
apologize for that, sir,
but in all fairness, F Troop
has had a lot of malfunctions.
Yes, and we've also had
trouble with the cannon.
No apologies necessary.
This is not an inspection.
It isn't?
No, captain. I've
come here to tell you
that F Troop has been selected
to train recruits for
cavalry replacements.
Oh!
Well, congratulations, sir.
Uh, who are they
going to replace?
F Troop.
[LAUGHS] You've
had your laugh, major.
Sir, why did you
really come here?
Your entire troop will be
transferred from Fort Courage.
With the exception of
one non-commission officer
who will remain.
Who's that, sir?
Corporal Agarn.
Lt. Harrison should
arrive tomorrow
with the recruits.
Right, sir.
[SOBBING]
Now, now.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
But, sir, you've got to
send a wire to Washington
requesting that they
rescind that order.
And if you won't do that, sir,
at least request them to
send me along with F Troop.
You can't leave me
behind with a bunch of...
strangers.
I'm sorry, men. I don't like
this any more than you do.
But... But at times like this,
I always remember
what my father,
General Horatio Parmenter,
told me when I was
just a little boy of 9.
He sat me down in a chair,
and he said to me:
"Son, there will be
times in the Army
"when you will receive an order
"that in your heart of
hearts, you feel is unjust,
"and your first instinct
will be to ignore that order.
"But you will find,
if you examine
"the situation carefully, that
those above you in high posts
"sometimes appear to
give frivolous commands
"that never meet
with your approval.
"But if you examine
the situation further,
"it will ultimately be proven
"that your superiors
have only good intentions
"for you and the Army,
and that the entire service
is based on obeying orders."
How old were you when
you got off the chair?
Mwah. Oh, Wilton, I
just heard the news.
Janey, please.
I've told you not
in front of my men.
Don't worry about protocol
at a time like this, sir.
We're all letting our hair down.
Sarge, you can't leave me.
Wilton, you've gotta
do something about this.
O'ROURKE: It's no good, Janey.
I've already asked
him to wire Washington
and rescind that order.
He says he will not do it.
That's right, Jane.
In a situation like this,
I always remember what
my father once told me.
You better not
start that, captain.
You may be transferred
before you finish.
You may be right, sergeant.
But, Jane, a commander of
a post can't wire Washington
every time he
disagrees with an order.
Oh, Wilton.
Oh, sarge.
Now, Randolph. Randolph.
It's gonna be okay.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Lieutenant Mark
Harrison reporting, sir.
Uh... At ease,
lieutenant. You too, Jane.
I brought the new
recruits, captain.
Oh, good. Good.
Uh... Uh, this is
Sergeant O'Rourke.
[SOBS ONCE] Corporal Agarn.
And Wrangler Jane.
Jeepers creepers.
Where'd you get those peepers?
What?
Where'd you get those eyes?
Uh, you'd better be getting back
to your recruits, lieutenant.
I'll be right out.
Uh, yes, sir.
My, they sure sent out
a cute one, didn't they?
Sergeant, take a
wire to Washington.
Yes, sir. Right away, sir.
This is going to the
Department of War,
Bureau of Territorial
Assignments.
Sir.
This is to request that F
Troop remain at Fort Courage.
JANE: Why don't you
all sit down and relax?
What do you mean, relax?
We've got to get an answer
from Washington
as soon as possible.
Just remember, a
watched pot never boils.
And just remember,
an apple a day
keeps the doctor away.
What has that
got to do with this?
Well, if she's
worried about her pot,
I can certainly worry
about my health.
Agarn.
Now, men, Jane is
right. We've got to relax.
Yeah. Yeah...
Oh, Janey, I owe you two cents.
I'm gonna get some peppermint.
Help yourself, O'Rourke. Mm.
Janey... how much is this hat?
[SIGHS] Agarn.
PARMENTER: Corporal,
that's a very chic hat,
but I'm afraid
it's not regulation.
What are you gonna do?
Join the three musketeers?
It's not for me.
That's a relief.
It's for my mother
back in Passaic.
Well, that hat
sells regular for $3,
but you can have it for 1.50.
That's a terrific bargain.
I'll give you 75 cents cash.
Sold.
[MACHINE TAPPING]
To... Captain Wilton Parmenter,
um, commanding...
officer, F Troop,
Fort Courage.
From Washington, D.C.,
War Department,
Cavalry Headquarters,
uh, Bureau of Western
Territorial Posts,
uh, Department
of Indian Affairs,
Commander of Liaison
and Troop Assignment.
Here comes the message.
[MACHINE TAPPING]
What was the message?
No.
All right, men.
Let's start training
the recruits.
[♪♪♪]
Men... this is a bugle.
One of you will be the
new company bugler.
Now, it's a very difficult
instrument to play,
but I will do my
best to give you
the benefit of my
years of experience.
Here, soldier. See if you can
get some kind of
a sound out of that.
[PLAYING PERFECTLY]
Now, you try it, soldier.
[BLOWING, SQUEAKING]
Congratulations. You're
the new company bugler.
The first thing you have to
do is learn Indian identification.
This is a Sioux.
This is a Comanche.
This is an Apache.
They're the most
dangerous of all.
Notice where they hide
their bow and arrows.
All right now, pay attention.
This is a head.
This is a leg.
This is a tail.
And when you put
them all together,
it's a horse.
I guess I shouldn't
be sensitive, sarge,
but... I'm under a strain.
Well, we all are. Now, I'm
gonna miss you too, buddy.
I know that, sarge.
Tell you something else.
I'm gonna miss this old fort.
It won't be the same
without you, sarge.
Nah.
Yeah, but... they
got a worse problem.
It's sure going to feel
strange being in another fort.
Seems to me if
you've seen one fort,
you've seen 'em all.
Oh, no. No, not to me, Jane.
This is my first
command, you know.
I still get a thrill
just looking up
at the flag flying over my post.
Oh!
Oh, Wilton! Are you all right?
Bread and butter.
[SIGHS]
I imagine there'll be lots of
pretty girls at your new post.
I imagine. I'll
probably have to post
a guard outside my quarters.
[CHUCKLES]
If you don't, I will.
I wouldn't worry, Jane. Oh! Oh!
Wilton! You all right?
Yes, yes, yes.
I'm fine. I'm fine.
Maybe you ought to
go back to your office.
No. No, no, no. I...
I wanna go over to the
well and make a wish.
Them poor kids.
[♪♪♪]
What did you wish, Wilton?
We... You're not
supposed to tell your wish.
It won't come true.
Well, you can tell me.
Well, I wished that someday
I'd come back to Fort Courage.
Oh, Wilton.
Janey, please, not on the post.
Funny, I didn't hear
that penny hit the water.
Come to think
of it, neither did I.
[GASPS]
All right, you
recruits, fall in!
Line up for inspection.
We'll make horse
soldiers out of you yet.
You're doing a
fine job, corporal.
Thank you, sir.
Oh, Captain Parmenter,
can I see you a minute, sir?
What can I do for
you, lieutenant?
Tell me, sir, do you, uh...?
Do you ever let the horses
graze outside of the fort
so they can eat wild oats?
Occasionally.
Speaking of wild oats,
what is your relationship
with Wrangler Jane?
That's a very personal
question, lieutenant.
Well, I noticed she wasn't
wearing an engagement ring.
No, but I gave her a hand-woven
saddle blanket for her horse.
What does that mean?
It means I'm very fond of her.
Of her horse?
No. Jane.
Oh, I see.
Although when... Whenever
she comes over to the fort,
she does come right up
and nibbles on my ear.
Jane?
No, her horse.
Well, can you actually say
that you've ever tied her up?
The horse?
No. Jane.
Oh. Uh, well, no.
I can't actually say that I have
either of them tied up.
That's all I wanted
to know, sir.
[♪♪♪]
[SIGHS]
You guys... packing already?
Got to. We're
moving out tomorrow.
I'm sure gonna miss you, Dobbs.
Gonna miss you too, Agarn.
Sure wish you's going with us.
Well. That's the
way it goes, but...
we'll meet again.
One of these days, we'll
wind up at the same fort...
soldiering together...
having laughs.
Sure we will, Agarn.
Dobbs, old buddy...
could you give me
one more bugle call,
just for old time's sake?
I'll be glad to.
[LOUD BUGLE NOISES]
On second thought,
I may not miss you
as much as I think.
Sorry you're not
coming with us, Agarn.
You're a great little corporal.
Thanks, Duff. Coming
from you, that...
really means something.
We could have used a
corporal like you at the Alamo,
when I was standing
there shoulder to shoulder
with old Jim Bowie
and Davy Crockett.
There we were,
backs to the wall,
cannonballs falling
to the right of us,
cannonballs
falling to the left...
Duffy! Why don't you
write me a letter about it?
Send it pony express.
Pony express stopped
running five years ago.
I know that, Duffy.
I wanna say goodbye to
you, Vanderbilt, old buddy.
That's awful nice of you, Agarn.
You've been a real friend.
I'm gonna miss seeing you.
You've always missed
seeing me, Vanderbilt.
I'm over here.
Oh. I thought
you'd gotten thinner.
You're a great
little lookout, Vandy.
And you'll always be
20-20... in my heart.
O'ROURKE: Agarn, where are you?
Coming, sarge.
Good luck, you guys.
Agarn? Ain't you gonna
see us off tomorrow?
Do you wanna see
a grown man cry?
Come on, Agarn.
Where are we going, sarge?
To the Hekawi camp.
I gotta tell Wild Eagle
you're taking over
O'Rourke Enterprises.
Well, the way my luck is
going, the minute I take over,
those Indians will wake up
and find out they're Indians.
You should have so many worries.
Those Hekawis wouldn't
go on the warpath for...
Ho-ho-ho! Wait a minute. Ho-ho.
Agarn, I don't know why
everybody says you're so dumb.
[♪♪♪]
Who says I'm dumb?
Oh. Will you forget it, Agarn?
Hey, chief. Just the
man I wanted to see.
You expecting
maybe Sitting Bull?
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Did you hear that?
Uh... He is a riot.
I don't know where he gets it.
Chief.
You're in a lot of trouble.
They're laughing at your jokes.
Why don't we sit right down here
and have a nice powwow?
Good idea, sarge. Craze.
Come on, chief.
Sit right down there.
Chief, you gonna
powwow with them?
What have you got to lose?
Now, look, I'm gonna
come right to the point.
I want you to tell
the inspector general
that you're gonna break
the treaty with the Army.
Now I know what we
got to lose: the tribe.
You got your laugh, O'Rourke.
What you really
come up here for?
Chief, you don't understand.
They're gonna replace
Captain Parmenter,
and everybody in F Troop
is gonna be shipped
out except me.
O'ROURKE: That's right.
And all I want you to do
is tell the inspector
general that Parmenter
is the only fort
commander you trust,
and they'll rescind the order.
Me trust everybody.
Even you, O'Rourke.
Wild Eagle get
along with everybody.
Me sign so many peace treaties,
only Indian chief
with writer's cramp.
Now, look, we don't want
you to break the treaty.
We just want you to threaten
the inspector
general that you will
if Captain Parmenter
is shipped out.
Chief, send up a smoke signal.
Say you'll go on the warpath
if F Troop is shipped out.
Do you think inspector
general believe that?
Why not? Agarn and I
are the only ones that know
that all your
brave-hearted warriors
are chicken-hearted braves.
You go too far, O'Rourke!
Hekawis not that big cowards.
All right, all right, I'm sorry.
But will you do this for us?
[PANTS]
All right. We send up signal.
[♪♪♪]
Tote that log.
Lift that blanket.
Thanks, chief. You're
tops in anybody's tepee.
Listen, I'll tell
the, uh, the IG
that he'd better have a meeting
with your bloodthirsty
warriors tonight.
Tonight? Better make
that tomorrow afternoon.
Why?
Bloodthirsty warriors
afraid of dark.
Ahh.
Sergeant, I'm glad you're here.
The Hekawis are
sending up a smoke signal.
So soon?
What's that?
I said, it's noon.
Can you tell what those
Indians are saying?
Oh, I think I can, sir.
He's one of the great
smoke readers of all time.
Uh, that is, uh...
Uh, Chief Wild Eagle
sending a message
to all the tribes, sir.
Well, sergeant,
what's he saying?
Uh, "To whom it may concern.
"Grapevine say Captain Parmenter
"leaving Fort Courage.
"If so, we go on warpath.
"Signed, uh...
sincerely, Chief Wild Eagle."
I can't believe he
would break the treaty
because of a change in command.
Begging your pardon,
major. But to the Hekawi,
Captain Parmenter has always
been "Taka Nana Ninga Poon." Hm.
What does that mean?
Mr. Nice Guy.
Uh, excuse me,
sir. There's a PS.
Says will hold powwow at, uh...
Uh, Big Tree Canyon.
I suggest we go there, major,
and straighten this thing out.
Send word we'll have
a powwow tonight.
Tomorrow. They're
afraid of the dark.
What's that?
I said, there goes a bird,
and I think it's a lark.
Oh.
[♪♪♪]
[MEN SHOUTING]
[CHANTING]
[HORSE WHINNIES]
[GRUNTS]
[CLEARS THROAT]
How, Chief Wild Eagle.
How, Mr. Nice Guy.
We come in peace.
We come in peace too.
Indian show good faith.
Put lance in ground.
Ugh.
You do same.
Show we meet as friends.
Certainly, chief.
[CHUCKLES]
Ahh!
Are you all right, chief?
Yeah. Fine, fine, fine.
Good.
Uh, this is Chief Wild Eagle
and his assistant, Crazy Cat.
This is Major Bradley,
the territorial
inspector general,
and Lieutenant Harrison.
And I think you know
Sergeant O'Rourke
and Corporal Agarn.
How. How.
How. How. How.
How. How.
Enough already with the hows!
Why don't you sit right
here? Chief? Major?
[♪♪♪]
[CLEARS THROAT]
Chief Wild Eagle...
I understand you're threatening
to break your peace treaty.
If he go, we go on warpath.
BRADLEY: But you made
that treaty in good faith.
I was told you even
smoked a peace pipe.
I didn't inhale.
But I assure you,
Lieutenant Harrison here
will treat your tribe
in the same manner
that Capt. Parmenter did.
How we know you not
speak with forked tongue?
I'm even willing
to put it in writing.
How we know you not
write with forked pen?
But nothing will
change if Fort Courage
is under the command
of Lt. Harrison.
Not interested.
Only paleface commander
we want is Mr. Nice Guy.
Chief... there's an
old cavalry saying.
Nice guys finish last.
Hm. Not a bad little saying.
I'm gonna ask you
for the last time.
Will you accept Lt. Harrison
as the new commander
and live with him in peace? No.
All right. In that case...
we'll have to start
using our new cannon.
You have new cannon?
Yes.
It's the water-cooled
Witzhower rapid-fire cannon
that could wipe out your
entire tribe in 10 minutes.
Lots of luck on your
new assignment, captain.
You'll accept this
young lieutenant?
I could tell by looking at
him, he's a sweetheart.
Chief, you've made
a wise decision.
And you won't regret living
up to your peace treaty.
Hekawi Indians always willing
to agree with anything.
If you don't see
it in the treaty,
just ask for it.
Lieutenant, our camp
only four miles from fort.
If you're in neighborhood,
drop in. Don't be stranger.
And let us hear
from you, captain,
even if it's just a postcard.
[♪♪♪]
Ahh!
[SHOUTING, YELLING]
[SOBBING]
Captain... I wanna
wish you good luck
in your new assignment
at... Bloody Creek.
Thank you, major.
Well, good luck, captain.
Thank you, lieutenant.
Goodbye, Jane.
Corporal Agarn. [SOBBING]
Forward... ho!
Bye!
Bye, people!
Oh, Wilton. You won't
forget me, will you?
I won't! You promise me.
Here. Oh.
Lieutenant, the command
of Fort Courage is all yours.
Thank you, sir. And I know
you'll be proud of G Troop.
Bugler, front and center.
[INDISTINCT BUGLE NOISES]
Lookout...
is everything clear
outside the fort?
No, thank you, corporal.
I just had my coffee.
Gun crew. Cannon salute!
[♪♪♪]
I just can't understand it, sir.
But if you give me
a little more time,
I know I can whip
them into a crack outfit.
[SIGHS]
Lieutenant Harrison...
there's room for only one
F Troop in this man's army.
Corporal Agarn.
Ride out... and tell
Captain Parmenter
to return with his men.
Bless you, sir. Bless you, sir.
Good luck on your new
assignment at Bloody Creek.
Wahoo!
I gotta hand it to you, sarge.
You got the troop
back from Bloody Creek.
I don't know how you do it.
I don't know either. But I
couldn't leave you behind.
Somebody's gotta look after you.
Ah. So you think
without you, I'm lost.
You think without you, I
couldn't pull on my own boots.
Pull on your own boots?
Without me, you
couldn't even find 'em.
Well, let me tell you
something, sarge.
I'm tired of your treating me
like I'm wet behind the ears.
Not wet behind the ears.
The water has seeped
into your brain. Well...
Just a minute, Jane.
All I said was, is that it's not
proper for a captain to say:
"Jeepers creepers, where'd
you get those peepers"?
JANE: Well, if
you'd stop looking
in your Army manual
and take a look at me,
maybe you'd notice the
things the lieutenant saw.
Sounds like you're sorry F
Troop is back at Fort Courage.
She's not the only one, sir.
I'd like to request a transfer.
A transfer, Agarn?
Yes, sir. To G Troop.
Listen, if you ever transferred
out of this outfit,
I would be lost.
I... I can pull on my own boots,
but it wouldn't be any
fun after I got 'em on.
Sarge.
I'm sorry, Jane. I... I
don't have to spend
so much time looking
at my Army manual.
Oh, Wilton.
Oh, sarge.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Jeepers creepers, we've
sure got a couple of weepers.
[BOTH LAUGH]
[♪♪♪]