F Troop (1965–1967): Season 2, Episode 17 - The Loco Brothers - full transcript
Two renegade Indians captured Captain Parmenter, but are just looking for company.
[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
Turn to the left flank! Hike!
[YELLING INDISTINCTLY]
To the rear, march!
Wait up. Wait a minute. Wait up.
Line up here and start again.
We're gonna get this
right if we stay here all day.
Oh, good morning, sir.
Good morning, gentlemen.
At ease.
PARMENTER: All right, men.
You're going to split
up into teams of two
and practice opening
and closing the fort gates
in speedy military fashion.
That's because you've been
opening and closing those gates
like an old maid opening
and closing her hope chest.
Open the gate
as fast as you can,
and then when the
captain gives the signal,
close the gate as
fast as you can.
And just to make
it more interesting,
whichever team does it
in the least amount of time
gets a free prize.
So we'll split up
in teams of two,
with each team consisting
of one man and another man.
All right, we'll start with
Vanderbilt and Duffy.
The fort gate is over there.
On your mark, get set, go!
[WHOOPING]
You men are not
allowed... Ooh-woo-ooh.
Well, I'll be. They've
stolen Captain Parmenter.
Right from under our noses.
Duffy, open the corral.
We gotta saddle up
and go after them.
Right. All right,
men, to your horses!
[HORSES WHINNYING]
Whoa! Whoa!
They're getting away.
First to your rifles
and then your horses!
Halt! On second
thought, half of you, rifles,
and the other half, horses.
And those with rifles
and without horses
trade places with the others...
Agarn. Agarn, forget it.
Forget what?
Ain't we going after
them? What, on foot?
Duffy, round up those horses.
Right, sarge.
Vanderbilt, Hightower,
Scully, on the double!
They got too big a
head start to catch them.
All we can do is sit and wait.
Wait for what? Well,
the way I figured,
they took Captain
Parmenter for ransom.
So we gotta sit here and
wait for a ransom note.
There's only two things
we gotta worry about.
First is, they don't harm him.
What's the second?
That they know how to write.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Captain's watch
is still running.
Boy, is he lucky.
How long has the
captain been missing?
About two hours.
Oh, boy. Two hours
and no ransom note.
Sarge. What?
Maybe them two big Indians
don't know how to write.
All right, you critters, back
there where you belong.
This never would've
happened at the Alamo.
Come in.
Hi, fellas. Where's your
handsome commanding officer?
Can't a girl get an answer?
I said, where's your
handsome commanding officer?
Uh, Janey, I'm afraid we got
some kind of bad news, uh...
About Wilton? Sit down.
Sit down, would you, Janey?
Has he run away
with another woman?
No, he's... No, he's run away
with two big Indians.
Oh, no. Poor Wilton.
Well, now, be brave,
Janey. Be brave.
Maybe I'd better take
this in case she faints.
Mm! Chocolate fudge. May I?
Agarn, I'm sure
that she made that
for Captain
Parmenter, all right?
That's right. That's
our captain's fudge.
And that's our captain's
watch. That's our captain's desk.
And that's our captain's
lamp. That's our captain...
Enough, enough, Dobbs.
If we wanted a guided
tour, we'd ask for it.
Dobbs, we... We
know how you feel.
We miss him just
as much as you do.
And think of poor Wrangler Jane.
The woman who is
someday going to be his wife.
Only now, it don't
look that way.
[WAILS, SOBS]
Nice going. Nice going.
Did I say something wrong?
Why are y'all standing
around like this?
Why aren't you out
looking for my poor Wilton?
That's exactly what we're
doing. Dobbs, go blow assembly.
We got a search party to gather.
Right, sarge. Where...?
Where are we going?
We're going up to
the Hekawi camp
and see if they know
who these two guys are.
Now, just, uh...
If me chief, me say they
sound like Loco Brothers.
But you not chief,
so stop guessing.
Me say they sound
like Loco Brothers.
Who are the Loco Brothers?
Two big loco Indians.
Are they Hekawis?
Bite your tongue.
They renegades.
Renegades.
That's one tribe
I never heard of.
No, no, no. Renegades.
It means that... That... That
they don't belong to any tribe.
No self-respecting Indian would
have anything to do with them.
If me chief,
me say Loco Brothers
are rotten apples.
It take one to know one.
Well, why would they want
to steal Captain Parmenter?
Maybe they lonesome.
They just want
somebody to talk to.
Will they hurt him?
Well, if me chief...
You give me "if me
chief" one more time,
and you wind up with
60-second scalp treatment.
Wise old Indian saying:
"When owl smile at full moon,
bye-bye blackbird."
What does that mean?
It means scratch
Captain Parmenter off list
and pray whoever replace
him just as big a sweetheart.
Gentlemen, as a captain
in the United States Army,
I demand that you
release me immediately.
Nice to hear sound
of different voice.
True. True.
Me like him. Me too.
Well, thank you very much
but that doesn't give you
the right to run away with
me without my permission.
You could be arrested for
stealing government property.
What your name, paleface?
Captain Wilton Parmenter.
Pretty name, true?
True.
Us, Loco Brothers.
Very happy to
meet you, Mr. Loco.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to be getting
back to the fort.
So soon? You just get here.
And we want make
friends with you.
Because we renegades.
And all we have is enemies.
True?
True.
Us hungry for friends.
Oh, I see.
Well, I'll make a deal with you.
Now, you let me
go, and I'll see to it
that you're both invited to
our next company picnic.
What mean "picnic"?
Well, it means
eating lots of food
and playing lots of games.
What do you say?
We say no.
We got lots food,
lots games right here.
Untie feet and we show him game.
You ever hear of
game called catch?
Oh, certainly, certainly.
It's played with a ball.
We play with rock.
Catch.
Catch.
Catch.
Catch.
Whoa...! Oof!
Him butterfingers
but we like anyhow.
True? True.
Agarn, are you sure you
see two sets of hoofprints?
I'm positive, sarge.
I learned how to follow a trail
from one of the best Indian
scouts in the business.
Yeah, who's that?
My aunt Sylvia.
That figures. His
horse can't see either.
There they are, sarge. See them?
Two sets of
hoofprints, clear as day.
I see them, but they don't look
like they were made by horses.
Yeah, but they were.
And they're unusual.
The horses were very tired
from carrying a heavy load.
What are you doing here?
[MOOING]
Wise guys.
Well, my compliments
to Aunt Sylvia.
Those are the most
deceptive set of footprints
I ever saw in my entire life.
Maybe those Loco
Brothers bought those steers
and had their hooves disguised
to throw us off the track, eh?
That's a definite possibility.
I should have
followed my instinct
and had somebody
else ride up front with me.
Who?
Vanderbilt.
Oh, I get it.
A little sarcasm, eh, sarge?
A little kicking of your
pal when he's down.
Ah... Hey, sarge. Look.
Hey, those are their horses.
By complete accident,
we have stumbled
on their hideout.
Under my leadership. Ah.
Come on, men.
New friend no want eat?
No. No, thank you. I...
I think I'd find raw buffalo
a little difficult to digest.
Why new friend walk up
and down, up and down?
Because new friend
is unhappy. Unhappy.
New friend wants to go home,
and new friend is
very angry with you
for holding me prisoner.
When new friend angry him
talk just like old father. True?
True.
Old father never understand us.
That why Loco Brothers
become renegades.
Old father always too
busy making wampum.
Him never take
time to be our pal.
Children need kindness.
Children need love.
Children need care.
Buffalo need salt.
New friend do Loco
Brothers favor and pass salt.
Where is it?
Over there in sack.
[GRUNTING AND CHEWING]
F Troop! F Troop! I'm over here.
Well, he's alive.
Well, he was alive.
Let's storm in there
and rescue him.
Rescue who?
We'll tell ya later.
Come on, dismount.
Let's prepare to attack.
Sarge. What?
Do you realize it's eight of us
against two of them? So?
Don't you think we ought
to send for reinforcements?
All right, now, we hit
them from both sides.
Dobbs, Duffy and Vanderbilt
and myself will go from the left.
Agarn, you take the rest
of them and go for the right.
Now let's move out.
[♪♪♪]
Duffy, hold your fire.
Get behind those boulders.
Ah, it's no good.
They got the military advantage.
Sarge, if we hit them again,
you may have to go without me.
I got a wounded hat.
The cave is like a fortress.
Even if we could get up there
they'd have time to get
to Captain Parmenter first.
Men, do you know
what this means?
What? We're licked.
Let's go home.
I couldn't stand the suspense.
I had to ride out and see
if you've found my Wilton.
We found him,
Janey. But... But what?
Well, finding him and saving him
are two different stories.
With the odds in favor
of an unhappy ending.
Where am I?
You right here.
You right here
with Loco Brothers.
[SIGHS]
True.
Well, I say we
ride back to the fort,
get the cannon, set
it up outside the cave,
and fire point-blank
inside the cave.
Agarn, the captain
is inside the cave.
Well, I can't think
of everything.
What if we wait until dark
when the Loco Brothers
are asleep and...
And go in there and
try to sneak Wilton out?
After dark? Agarn.
Ah, it's too risky.
They might wake up.
Well, it ain't as risky as
firing a cannon point-blank.
Dobbs, if you don't have
anything constructive to say
just don't say anything.
Don't you think maybe
we could smoke them out?
How? With smoke.
What, and start a fire that
might get out of control?
Sarge, you know your trouble?
You're a perfectionist.
[SNAPS] Ah... I'm thinking.
Yes, O'Rourke?
We might take a couple
of bottles of whiskey,
wrap them up in a saddle
blanket and throw them in there...
So the Loco Brothers
would get drunk and pass out.
And then we could go
in and rescue Wilton.
Back to the saloon. Requisition
two bottles of cheap whiskey.
Wait. Wait. Only one trouble.
If they don't pass out,
they might get violent
and then the captain would
be in worse trouble than ever.
Leave us reconsider the cannon.
We're not doing so well, are we?
No, we're not.
We gotta think of something.
We can't just let
him stay there.
We could fire one teeny-weeny
little cannonball in there,
then four of us rush
in and it's all ov...
The cannon is out.
Smoke? Out.
What's in?
Ah-ah-ah. I've
got one more idea.
You do?
We might get the Loco Brothers
to turn their prisoner loose
if we appeal to them as men.
How do we do that?
Not we, Janey. You.
O'ROURKE: You game?
O'Rourke, you
know I'd risk my life
to save my Wilton.
That's just what I had in mind.
How long would it take
you to ride back to town
and get some essential
supplies and get back here?
I reckon about one hour.
Ah, then I think we can get
Captain Parmenter out of there
in about one hour
and five minutes.
Take it away. Take
it away. That's a girl.
[♪♪♪]
DUFFY: Here she comes, sarge.
All right, now.
And... And hurry
up, Janey. All right?
Is that fast enough for you?
[WOLF WHISTLES]
All right, knock it off.
This is official business.
What do I do?
Oh, well, now, you see, you
walk by the cave over there,
uh, kind of, uh, bouncy.
Yeah, that's fine.
And you holler real friendly,
"Yoo-hoo, Loco Brothers."
And then?
Well, then, when
they come out to, uh...
Uh, make your acquaintance,
F Troop will charge
and capture them.
See? It's like that. We hope.
All set?
[WOLF WHISTLES]
Now, wait a minute.
I said, knock it off!
You can't even
see her, Vanderbilt.
All set.
All right. Now, good luck.
Same to you.
All right, now, F Troop.
Let's stand by to
leap out of ambush.
Here we go.
Me remember my fifth birthday
when old father wouldn't give
me secondhand pony for present.
Me remember my fifth birthday
when old father catch me smoking
and hit me over
head with peace pipe.
Gentlemen. BOTH:
Yes, new friend?
At the moment
I'm not interested.
I have my own problems.
Yoo-hoo, Loco Brothers.
JANE: Yoo-hoo, Loco Brothers.
That sounds like
Jane. Is that you, Jane?
JANE: Yoo-hoo, Loco Brothers.
Yoo-hoo, Loco Brothers.
It didn't work. They
couldn't have cared less.
I wonder why.
I think I know our
mistake. What?
Uh, well, in all due
respect, Wrangler,
you're just not their type.
Why not? You're not an Indian.
Big deal. She's still
a woman, ain't she?
Wait a minute.
Our trap is still
basically right but the...
The bait is wrong.
Agarn. What?
Go behind the blankets
and take off your uniform.
What for? Never mind what for.
Go behind the blankets.
Take off the uniform.
What are you doing?
We play another game.
It called tic-tac-toe.
You go first.
Agarn, hurry up, will you?
AGARN: Don't rush me.
[WOLF WHISTLES]
Well, I see we got people
who want a belt in the mouth.
Wait a minute.
Say, listen, isn't that
dress just a little tight?
Well, in some
places it's too tight
and in some
places it's too loose.
Wrangler, one girl to
another, how does he look in it?
I think he looks
just lovely. Good.
Except... Except what?
I think this wig looks
just a little bit too stiff.
Oh, well, yeah. But
we had to make it
out of a horse's tail.
You did? From whose horse?
Yours.
Well, okay.
As long as it's
from a horse I know.
You all set?
No, but I'll go anyway.
All right. Now, the
plan is the same.
You go past the
cave. You holler,
"Yoo-hoo, Loco Brothers."
And when they come out
to get you, we leap on them.
All right?
Just make sure of one thing.
What's that?
Leap fast.
Hey... Hey.
Stop that. I told
you, it tickles.
Yippee! Me win again.
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Yoo-hoo, Loco Brothers!
[NORMAL VOICE] It better work.
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Loco
Brothers, look who's here for you.
Why don't you big strong
Indians come over here
and give a shy Indian maiden
some loving and some kissing?
Watch this.
What's he doing?
That's the Indian love dance.
He learned it from the
Hekawis last New Year's Eve.
[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTING]
[YELLS]
All right. F Troop, charge.
[GRUNTS]
[PLAYING OFF-KEY]
Captain, I... Uh... What...?
Oh, it certainly
is nice to see you.
Hello. Are you...?
Are you all right, sir?
Uh, yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.
I'm... I'm a little hungry,
and I need a bath.
But otherwise... Oh, Wilton!
Mwah.
Janey, Janey, Janey, please.
I practically don't
have my shirt on.
Look at you...
Well, what are you doing
in an F Troop uniform?
Uh, we'll... We'll...
explain it to you later, sir,
after we capture the
Loco Brothers, all right?
Oh. Here, yeah.
Yeah, here we go.
Corporal Agarn? What are
you doing in Jane's dress?
Uh, we'll explain
that later too, sir.
Heh! Nice one, Agarn. Nice one.
Do you have a few
words for your admirers?
[NORMAL VOICE] I shudder to
think what might have happened.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
Come in.
Sir, F Troop is
assembled for gate drill.
To take up where you left off
when you were so
rudely interrupted
by the Loco Brothers.
Fine. Fine.
It's good to be back
in the old routine.
Ah, yes, sir... Are
you all right, captain?
I'm fine. I'm fine.
Uh, captain, sir,
uh, Corporal Agarn and
I would just like to say
that we think it was
a very noble gesture
for you to get the, uh, Hekawis
to let the Loco Brothers
live with them, sir.
Oh, thank you. I hope it works.
They're not really
bad, you know.
They're not?
No, they had unhappy boyhoods.
Aw.
But I'm sure with
Chief Wild Eagle
to look up to like a father,
they'll straighten
out in no time.
All right, let's not
keep the men waiting.
Troop, ten-hut!
All right. We'll
resume gate drill
with Troopers
Vanderbilt and Duffy.
And don't forget,
I'm timing you.
On your mark, get set, go!
[WHOOPING]
Well, what do you
know? They struck again.
They're like two
playful children.
Only they play a little rough.
Sergeant, we have to
go rescue Corporal Agarn.
Yes, sir. Uh, sir,
uh, how do you think
you'll look in a dress?
[♪♪♪]
Turn to the left flank! Hike!
[YELLING INDISTINCTLY]
To the rear, march!
Wait up. Wait a minute. Wait up.
Line up here and start again.
We're gonna get this
right if we stay here all day.
Oh, good morning, sir.
Good morning, gentlemen.
At ease.
PARMENTER: All right, men.
You're going to split
up into teams of two
and practice opening
and closing the fort gates
in speedy military fashion.
That's because you've been
opening and closing those gates
like an old maid opening
and closing her hope chest.
Open the gate
as fast as you can,
and then when the
captain gives the signal,
close the gate as
fast as you can.
And just to make
it more interesting,
whichever team does it
in the least amount of time
gets a free prize.
So we'll split up
in teams of two,
with each team consisting
of one man and another man.
All right, we'll start with
Vanderbilt and Duffy.
The fort gate is over there.
On your mark, get set, go!
[WHOOPING]
You men are not
allowed... Ooh-woo-ooh.
Well, I'll be. They've
stolen Captain Parmenter.
Right from under our noses.
Duffy, open the corral.
We gotta saddle up
and go after them.
Right. All right,
men, to your horses!
[HORSES WHINNYING]
Whoa! Whoa!
They're getting away.
First to your rifles
and then your horses!
Halt! On second
thought, half of you, rifles,
and the other half, horses.
And those with rifles
and without horses
trade places with the others...
Agarn. Agarn, forget it.
Forget what?
Ain't we going after
them? What, on foot?
Duffy, round up those horses.
Right, sarge.
Vanderbilt, Hightower,
Scully, on the double!
They got too big a
head start to catch them.
All we can do is sit and wait.
Wait for what? Well,
the way I figured,
they took Captain
Parmenter for ransom.
So we gotta sit here and
wait for a ransom note.
There's only two things
we gotta worry about.
First is, they don't harm him.
What's the second?
That they know how to write.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Captain's watch
is still running.
Boy, is he lucky.
How long has the
captain been missing?
About two hours.
Oh, boy. Two hours
and no ransom note.
Sarge. What?
Maybe them two big Indians
don't know how to write.
All right, you critters, back
there where you belong.
This never would've
happened at the Alamo.
Come in.
Hi, fellas. Where's your
handsome commanding officer?
Can't a girl get an answer?
I said, where's your
handsome commanding officer?
Uh, Janey, I'm afraid we got
some kind of bad news, uh...
About Wilton? Sit down.
Sit down, would you, Janey?
Has he run away
with another woman?
No, he's... No, he's run away
with two big Indians.
Oh, no. Poor Wilton.
Well, now, be brave,
Janey. Be brave.
Maybe I'd better take
this in case she faints.
Mm! Chocolate fudge. May I?
Agarn, I'm sure
that she made that
for Captain
Parmenter, all right?
That's right. That's
our captain's fudge.
And that's our captain's
watch. That's our captain's desk.
And that's our captain's
lamp. That's our captain...
Enough, enough, Dobbs.
If we wanted a guided
tour, we'd ask for it.
Dobbs, we... We
know how you feel.
We miss him just
as much as you do.
And think of poor Wrangler Jane.
The woman who is
someday going to be his wife.
Only now, it don't
look that way.
[WAILS, SOBS]
Nice going. Nice going.
Did I say something wrong?
Why are y'all standing
around like this?
Why aren't you out
looking for my poor Wilton?
That's exactly what we're
doing. Dobbs, go blow assembly.
We got a search party to gather.
Right, sarge. Where...?
Where are we going?
We're going up to
the Hekawi camp
and see if they know
who these two guys are.
Now, just, uh...
If me chief, me say they
sound like Loco Brothers.
But you not chief,
so stop guessing.
Me say they sound
like Loco Brothers.
Who are the Loco Brothers?
Two big loco Indians.
Are they Hekawis?
Bite your tongue.
They renegades.
Renegades.
That's one tribe
I never heard of.
No, no, no. Renegades.
It means that... That... That
they don't belong to any tribe.
No self-respecting Indian would
have anything to do with them.
If me chief,
me say Loco Brothers
are rotten apples.
It take one to know one.
Well, why would they want
to steal Captain Parmenter?
Maybe they lonesome.
They just want
somebody to talk to.
Will they hurt him?
Well, if me chief...
You give me "if me
chief" one more time,
and you wind up with
60-second scalp treatment.
Wise old Indian saying:
"When owl smile at full moon,
bye-bye blackbird."
What does that mean?
It means scratch
Captain Parmenter off list
and pray whoever replace
him just as big a sweetheart.
Gentlemen, as a captain
in the United States Army,
I demand that you
release me immediately.
Nice to hear sound
of different voice.
True. True.
Me like him. Me too.
Well, thank you very much
but that doesn't give you
the right to run away with
me without my permission.
You could be arrested for
stealing government property.
What your name, paleface?
Captain Wilton Parmenter.
Pretty name, true?
True.
Us, Loco Brothers.
Very happy to
meet you, Mr. Loco.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to be getting
back to the fort.
So soon? You just get here.
And we want make
friends with you.
Because we renegades.
And all we have is enemies.
True?
True.
Us hungry for friends.
Oh, I see.
Well, I'll make a deal with you.
Now, you let me
go, and I'll see to it
that you're both invited to
our next company picnic.
What mean "picnic"?
Well, it means
eating lots of food
and playing lots of games.
What do you say?
We say no.
We got lots food,
lots games right here.
Untie feet and we show him game.
You ever hear of
game called catch?
Oh, certainly, certainly.
It's played with a ball.
We play with rock.
Catch.
Catch.
Catch.
Catch.
Whoa...! Oof!
Him butterfingers
but we like anyhow.
True? True.
Agarn, are you sure you
see two sets of hoofprints?
I'm positive, sarge.
I learned how to follow a trail
from one of the best Indian
scouts in the business.
Yeah, who's that?
My aunt Sylvia.
That figures. His
horse can't see either.
There they are, sarge. See them?
Two sets of
hoofprints, clear as day.
I see them, but they don't look
like they were made by horses.
Yeah, but they were.
And they're unusual.
The horses were very tired
from carrying a heavy load.
What are you doing here?
[MOOING]
Wise guys.
Well, my compliments
to Aunt Sylvia.
Those are the most
deceptive set of footprints
I ever saw in my entire life.
Maybe those Loco
Brothers bought those steers
and had their hooves disguised
to throw us off the track, eh?
That's a definite possibility.
I should have
followed my instinct
and had somebody
else ride up front with me.
Who?
Vanderbilt.
Oh, I get it.
A little sarcasm, eh, sarge?
A little kicking of your
pal when he's down.
Ah... Hey, sarge. Look.
Hey, those are their horses.
By complete accident,
we have stumbled
on their hideout.
Under my leadership. Ah.
Come on, men.
New friend no want eat?
No. No, thank you. I...
I think I'd find raw buffalo
a little difficult to digest.
Why new friend walk up
and down, up and down?
Because new friend
is unhappy. Unhappy.
New friend wants to go home,
and new friend is
very angry with you
for holding me prisoner.
When new friend angry him
talk just like old father. True?
True.
Old father never understand us.
That why Loco Brothers
become renegades.
Old father always too
busy making wampum.
Him never take
time to be our pal.
Children need kindness.
Children need love.
Children need care.
Buffalo need salt.
New friend do Loco
Brothers favor and pass salt.
Where is it?
Over there in sack.
[GRUNTING AND CHEWING]
F Troop! F Troop! I'm over here.
Well, he's alive.
Well, he was alive.
Let's storm in there
and rescue him.
Rescue who?
We'll tell ya later.
Come on, dismount.
Let's prepare to attack.
Sarge. What?
Do you realize it's eight of us
against two of them? So?
Don't you think we ought
to send for reinforcements?
All right, now, we hit
them from both sides.
Dobbs, Duffy and Vanderbilt
and myself will go from the left.
Agarn, you take the rest
of them and go for the right.
Now let's move out.
[♪♪♪]
Duffy, hold your fire.
Get behind those boulders.
Ah, it's no good.
They got the military advantage.
Sarge, if we hit them again,
you may have to go without me.
I got a wounded hat.
The cave is like a fortress.
Even if we could get up there
they'd have time to get
to Captain Parmenter first.
Men, do you know
what this means?
What? We're licked.
Let's go home.
I couldn't stand the suspense.
I had to ride out and see
if you've found my Wilton.
We found him,
Janey. But... But what?
Well, finding him and saving him
are two different stories.
With the odds in favor
of an unhappy ending.
Where am I?
You right here.
You right here
with Loco Brothers.
[SIGHS]
True.
Well, I say we
ride back to the fort,
get the cannon, set
it up outside the cave,
and fire point-blank
inside the cave.
Agarn, the captain
is inside the cave.
Well, I can't think
of everything.
What if we wait until dark
when the Loco Brothers
are asleep and...
And go in there and
try to sneak Wilton out?
After dark? Agarn.
Ah, it's too risky.
They might wake up.
Well, it ain't as risky as
firing a cannon point-blank.
Dobbs, if you don't have
anything constructive to say
just don't say anything.
Don't you think maybe
we could smoke them out?
How? With smoke.
What, and start a fire that
might get out of control?
Sarge, you know your trouble?
You're a perfectionist.
[SNAPS] Ah... I'm thinking.
Yes, O'Rourke?
We might take a couple
of bottles of whiskey,
wrap them up in a saddle
blanket and throw them in there...
So the Loco Brothers
would get drunk and pass out.
And then we could go
in and rescue Wilton.
Back to the saloon. Requisition
two bottles of cheap whiskey.
Wait. Wait. Only one trouble.
If they don't pass out,
they might get violent
and then the captain would
be in worse trouble than ever.
Leave us reconsider the cannon.
We're not doing so well, are we?
No, we're not.
We gotta think of something.
We can't just let
him stay there.
We could fire one teeny-weeny
little cannonball in there,
then four of us rush
in and it's all ov...
The cannon is out.
Smoke? Out.
What's in?
Ah-ah-ah. I've
got one more idea.
You do?
We might get the Loco Brothers
to turn their prisoner loose
if we appeal to them as men.
How do we do that?
Not we, Janey. You.
O'ROURKE: You game?
O'Rourke, you
know I'd risk my life
to save my Wilton.
That's just what I had in mind.
How long would it take
you to ride back to town
and get some essential
supplies and get back here?
I reckon about one hour.
Ah, then I think we can get
Captain Parmenter out of there
in about one hour
and five minutes.
Take it away. Take
it away. That's a girl.
[♪♪♪]
DUFFY: Here she comes, sarge.
All right, now.
And... And hurry
up, Janey. All right?
Is that fast enough for you?
[WOLF WHISTLES]
All right, knock it off.
This is official business.
What do I do?
Oh, well, now, you see, you
walk by the cave over there,
uh, kind of, uh, bouncy.
Yeah, that's fine.
And you holler real friendly,
"Yoo-hoo, Loco Brothers."
And then?
Well, then, when
they come out to, uh...
Uh, make your acquaintance,
F Troop will charge
and capture them.
See? It's like that. We hope.
All set?
[WOLF WHISTLES]
Now, wait a minute.
I said, knock it off!
You can't even
see her, Vanderbilt.
All set.
All right. Now, good luck.
Same to you.
All right, now, F Troop.
Let's stand by to
leap out of ambush.
Here we go.
Me remember my fifth birthday
when old father wouldn't give
me secondhand pony for present.
Me remember my fifth birthday
when old father catch me smoking
and hit me over
head with peace pipe.
Gentlemen. BOTH:
Yes, new friend?
At the moment
I'm not interested.
I have my own problems.
Yoo-hoo, Loco Brothers.
JANE: Yoo-hoo, Loco Brothers.
That sounds like
Jane. Is that you, Jane?
JANE: Yoo-hoo, Loco Brothers.
Yoo-hoo, Loco Brothers.
It didn't work. They
couldn't have cared less.
I wonder why.
I think I know our
mistake. What?
Uh, well, in all due
respect, Wrangler,
you're just not their type.
Why not? You're not an Indian.
Big deal. She's still
a woman, ain't she?
Wait a minute.
Our trap is still
basically right but the...
The bait is wrong.
Agarn. What?
Go behind the blankets
and take off your uniform.
What for? Never mind what for.
Go behind the blankets.
Take off the uniform.
What are you doing?
We play another game.
It called tic-tac-toe.
You go first.
Agarn, hurry up, will you?
AGARN: Don't rush me.
[WOLF WHISTLES]
Well, I see we got people
who want a belt in the mouth.
Wait a minute.
Say, listen, isn't that
dress just a little tight?
Well, in some
places it's too tight
and in some
places it's too loose.
Wrangler, one girl to
another, how does he look in it?
I think he looks
just lovely. Good.
Except... Except what?
I think this wig looks
just a little bit too stiff.
Oh, well, yeah. But
we had to make it
out of a horse's tail.
You did? From whose horse?
Yours.
Well, okay.
As long as it's
from a horse I know.
You all set?
No, but I'll go anyway.
All right. Now, the
plan is the same.
You go past the
cave. You holler,
"Yoo-hoo, Loco Brothers."
And when they come out
to get you, we leap on them.
All right?
Just make sure of one thing.
What's that?
Leap fast.
Hey... Hey.
Stop that. I told
you, it tickles.
Yippee! Me win again.
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Yoo-hoo, Loco Brothers!
[NORMAL VOICE] It better work.
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Loco
Brothers, look who's here for you.
Why don't you big strong
Indians come over here
and give a shy Indian maiden
some loving and some kissing?
Watch this.
What's he doing?
That's the Indian love dance.
He learned it from the
Hekawis last New Year's Eve.
[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTING]
[YELLS]
All right. F Troop, charge.
[GRUNTS]
[PLAYING OFF-KEY]
Captain, I... Uh... What...?
Oh, it certainly
is nice to see you.
Hello. Are you...?
Are you all right, sir?
Uh, yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.
I'm... I'm a little hungry,
and I need a bath.
But otherwise... Oh, Wilton!
Mwah.
Janey, Janey, Janey, please.
I practically don't
have my shirt on.
Look at you...
Well, what are you doing
in an F Troop uniform?
Uh, we'll... We'll...
explain it to you later, sir,
after we capture the
Loco Brothers, all right?
Oh. Here, yeah.
Yeah, here we go.
Corporal Agarn? What are
you doing in Jane's dress?
Uh, we'll explain
that later too, sir.
Heh! Nice one, Agarn. Nice one.
Do you have a few
words for your admirers?
[NORMAL VOICE] I shudder to
think what might have happened.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
Come in.
Sir, F Troop is
assembled for gate drill.
To take up where you left off
when you were so
rudely interrupted
by the Loco Brothers.
Fine. Fine.
It's good to be back
in the old routine.
Ah, yes, sir... Are
you all right, captain?
I'm fine. I'm fine.
Uh, captain, sir,
uh, Corporal Agarn and
I would just like to say
that we think it was
a very noble gesture
for you to get the, uh, Hekawis
to let the Loco Brothers
live with them, sir.
Oh, thank you. I hope it works.
They're not really
bad, you know.
They're not?
No, they had unhappy boyhoods.
Aw.
But I'm sure with
Chief Wild Eagle
to look up to like a father,
they'll straighten
out in no time.
All right, let's not
keep the men waiting.
Troop, ten-hut!
All right. We'll
resume gate drill
with Troopers
Vanderbilt and Duffy.
And don't forget,
I'm timing you.
On your mark, get set, go!
[WHOOPING]
Well, what do you
know? They struck again.
They're like two
playful children.
Only they play a little rough.
Sergeant, we have to
go rescue Corporal Agarn.
Yes, sir. Uh, sir,
uh, how do you think
you'll look in a dress?
[♪♪♪]