F Troop (1965–1967): Season 2, Episode 16 - Bring on the Dancing Girls - full transcript
Agarn and O'Rourke go after the man that swindled them out of their saloon.
[♪♪♪]
Sarge, I tell you,
you're wasting your time.
Well, all I know is, that
business in that saloon
has fallen off 50 percent.
Now, we gotta find some
way to get those troopers back.
Maybe we ought to stop
watering the whiskey.
[SARCASTICALLY] Ha, ha, ha.
Where are you?
Well, I'm not asking you
how to run my business.
Now, look, the captain still
think Pete owns that saloon.
You just back up whatever I say.
Okay, sarge, but
he said no before.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Come in.
Captain.
At ease, men. I'm
just sealing this letter.
Right, sir. There. There we are.
Now, what...?
[CHUCKLES]
Now, what can I do for you, men?
Well, sir, we've come on
behalf of good old Pete.
Good old Pete?
The bartender
over at the saloon.
The widower. With nine children.
All with rickets.
Oh, no, I'm awfully
sorry to hear that.
Maybe we could take some
money out of the troop fund
and give him a hand.
Oh, no, sir. He would
never accept charity.
What does he
want? Dancing girls.
Dancing girls? For rickets?
You don't understand, sir.
You see, Pete could
triple his business
if you would just allow
him to have dancing girls.
AGARN: That's right.
Their shapely legs
could get his
kids' legs in shape.
Sergeant, you know
that I have always felt
that there is no
place at Fort Courage
for this sort of thing.
It's a distracting
element for the troops.
Sir, I think it's very important
for the morale of the troops.
I mean, there's nothing better
after a long day of soldiering
than to relax with a beer
and to soak up a
little entertainment.
What if we should
have an...? Oh. Here.
What if we should have
a surprise Indian attack?
Well, we'd surprise them, sir.
None of our men
would be in the fort.
They'd all be
over at the saloon.
Ah, but did it ever occur to you
they would attack the saloon?
They'd be playing
into our hands, sir.
An Indian with a
tomahawk is no match
for a girl with
taps on her shoes.
O'ROURKE: Yes, sir. All
things being considered.
I mean, Pete trying to
make a living for his family.
The kids with their
rickety little legs.
The morale of F Troop. Well...
Actually, there is nothing
in the manual about it.
That's right, sir,
nothing in the manual.
It's for a good cause.
Yes, it is for a good cause.
Where does Pete expect
to get these dancing girls?
From Dodge City, sir.
It's part of our cultural
exchange program.
Well, thank you very much, sir.
I am sure that you
will never regret this.
[♪♪♪]
Sarge, you did it.
You are beautiful.
Just stick with me, pal.
This is only the beginning.
[STAGECOACH APPROACHING]
Whoa.
Oh, excuse me, soldiers,
is this where I find
the military
governor of the town?
Yeah, right in there. Captain
Parmenter's his name.
Are you a stranger in
these parts, stranger?
Yes, but not for long.
I'm Dan Larson, the
new owner of the saloon.
Why don't you
drop around tonight?
Drinks are on the house.
Well, thank you,
Mr.Larson. Very nice of you...
BOTH: New owner of the saloon?!
Hey! What are you talking about?
Oh, you must be
Sergeant O'Rourke,
former holder of this lease.
How'd you get that?
When the owner of the
building turned down my bid,
he made the
mistake of telling me
he was leasing to a
soldier on active duty,
the rest was easy.
Listen, we got no room here at
Fort Courage for blackmailers.
Oh, come now, sergeant,
every town needs a crook.
[♪♪♪]
Oh, uh, the offer of drinks
on the house still goes.
[SOBBING]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Oh, hi, Wild Eagle. Hi, Crazy.
WILD EAGLE: O'Rourke.
Hi, Chief. Hi, Craze.
We've been expecting you.
Have some of whiskey ready.
Squaws have been
working their feet to the bone.
Have been operating
still round the sundial.
Well, that's fine, but I
can't take delivery right now.
I just lost the saloon.
Please, sergeant,
don't make jokes.
Hekawis have no sense of humor.
The Navajos are the
laughers. Yeah, yeah, Navajos.
They a million laughs.
He's not joking.
Some guy come into
town and found out
the sarge was running
the saloon illegally
and took over the
lease by blackmail.
Yeah, Larson's his name.
And larceny's his game.
You got dirty deal, O'Rourke.
Wild Eagle hate man
who do a thing like that.
Nothing worse than crook.
Where this man now?
Now, wait a minute, chief.
I don't want you to
go on the warpath.
What warpath?
Want to sell him the whiskey.
That's a fine thing, chief.
I thought you always said
the sarge and me
was like sons to you.
I just put you up for adoption.
Maybe Shoshones take you?
Yeah, they crazy about kids.
O'ROURKE: Chief, you gotta
help me get my saloon back.
If you don't sell your
whiskey to this blackmailer,
it'll drive him out of business.
How long you think that take?
Believe me, chief, he'll be
out of town in two moons.
Make it a moon and a
half and you got a deal.
Fair enough, and if
he's not gone by then,
I pay for the whiskey.
Someone coming.
WILD EAGLE: You
can bet me it's Larson.
It's Larson, all right.
Whoa.
WILD EAGLE: Him
not look like crook.
Can't go by face.
Sergeant O'Rourke
not look like one either.
Don't bother getting
off your wagon, Larson.
You can't buy a
drop of whiskey here.
That's right.
The Hekawis are our friends
and they don't do
business with blackmailers.
You tell him, chief. Sergeant
O'Rourke speak truth.
Hekawis very loyal
people. Poor, but loyal.
Never break word. Friendship
mean more than money.
Nothing you say can
make me sell you whiskey.
That's very admirable, chief.
At least make offer.
O'ROURKE: Wild
Eagle. Six dollars a case.
We deliver anywhere.
I'm surprised at you, Craze.
Oh, I didn't come up
here to buy any whiskey.
You didn't?
No, I thought perhaps the chief
would like to buy some of mine.
You got whiskey?
All I could use.
There it is. Blackfoot bourbon.
Apache ale, Comanche
cognac and Shawnee sherry.
Well, good day, gentlemen.
I have to dash back.
Grand opening tonight, you know.
Hope you'll all be there to
see my line of dancing girls.
[♪♪♪]
Dancing girls? Dancing girls?
Dancing girls? Now, now, Jane.
You, as military
governor of this fort,
would stand by
and let a stranger
run the saloon with
10 dancing girls?
Twelve, but who's counting?
I just bet you know
how many there are.
You probably couldn't wait
to go over there and greet 'em.
Now, Jane, as military governor,
it was my duty to
check their costumes
and see that they were
not going to be scantily clad.
Well, are they gonna
be scantily clad?
Not now.
Wilton Parmenter.
Oh, now, Jane, you're
getting upset over nothing.
Why, I think Fort Courage
is ready for dancing girls.
And I think it's indecent.
Now, Janey, don't be a prude.
Why, at rehearsal
this afternoon...
At rehearsal?
I had to check the dance too.
And all they were doing was
this new dance from France, see?
It's called the
cancan. Now, watch.
♪ Da, da, da Yum ba-bum ♪
♪ Bum, bum, bum Bum ba-bum ♪
Now, is there anything
wrong with that?
Not when you're
wearing a cavalry uniform.
♪ Bum ba-bum, shh Bum, shh... ♪
Oh, sorry, sir. We didn't
know you were busy.
Oh, no, no, that's all right.
Sir, we can come
back at intermission.
No. No.
As a matter of fact,
I'm glad you're here
because Jane and I were just
discussing the dancing girls.
I think it's shameful.
You do?
Yes, I do, O'Rourke.
PARMENTER: Now... Now,
sergeant, explain to Jane
why we need dancing
girls at Fort Courage.
But I don't think we
should have them, sir.
I mean, I... I agree
completely with Jane.
You do? Well, what
about Pete the bartender?
Didn't you tell me his children
were suffering from rickets?
Not rickets, sir. Crickets.
Crickets? O'ROURKE:
That's right, sir.
They had the house surrounded.
The children
couldn't get any sleep.
AGARN: But that's all over, sir.
They burned the fields,
and now those kids
are sleeping like babies.
What about our cultural
exchange program with Dodge City?
Dodge City, sir, is a sin city.
Do you realize that they have
40 saloons and one school?
AGARN: And they
serve whiskey there too.
Now, Wilton, what are
you gonna do about this?
I've already given permission
for the girls to dance.
Sir, if there are no troopers,
there'll be no
business in the saloon.
And if there's no business,
this, uh, undesirable element
will be forced to leave town.
And here come the
troopers into town.
[MEN CLAMORING]
Captain, you better
do something fast.
Those men are
headed for the saloon.
Halt.
Hey, halt! Oof.
Oh, captain.
Are you all right, sir?
Yes, yes, I'm fine. I'm fine.
All right, troop, fall in!
The captain has something
important to say to you.
Men, this is your
captain speaking.
I would like to announce
that you are all
restricted to the fort.
No one will be allowed
in town until further notice.
[MEN GRUMBLING]
How dare you give your
captain the grumbles!
Take over, sergeant. Yes, sir.
All right, everybody,
back to the fort.
Hey, sarge, how come
the captain won't let us
come to town no more?
Because horse soldiers
and dancing girls don't mix.
The captain made his mind
up awful sudden-like, O'Rourke.
I'll bet this was all your idea.
No, it was our idea.
All right, get a move on.
Sarge, they're mad at us.
Ah, they'll get over it.
Well, just the same.
Let's not have any target
practice for at least 24 hours.
[♪♪♪]
Dobbs, would you please
show me how to blow the bugle?
I've always wanted to
learn how to blow the bugle
and you're just about the...
Duffy, please tell me the
story of the Alamo again.
Let me see if I got it right.
There you were
with Davy Crockett,
and Santa Anna
came charging across...
Vanderbilt, old pal.
You've lost a lot of weight.
Please tell me how you did it.
Hey, Agarn. Yes!
Oh, it's you, sarge.
I'm going over the
things we're gonna need
when we get the
saloon back from Larson.
Sarge, the men have been
giving me the silent treatment.
They've been giving
it to me too, so what?
Now, look, it's a cinch.
After two days of
restriction to this fort,
the guys are gonna drink
more than six cases of whiskey.
So we gotta get
word to Wild Eagle.
Sarge, maybe you don't
mind the men not talking to you,
but I can't take it. I'm...
Well, I'm the sensitive type.
Agarn, I'm talking to you.
Sarge, it's not enough. I
want my buddies to talk to me.
Dobbs, old buddy, talk to
me. Say something. Anything.
[BUGLE BLOWS]
You see that, sarge?
Did you see that?
He hates me. They all hate me.
Oh, come on,
stop carrying on so.
It's only for a little while.
Why don't you go hit
your bunk. Get some rest.
You're right. You're right.
[♪♪♪]
[MEN LAUGHING]
[MEN LAUGHING]
So this beautiful señorita
comes up to me and says:
"My name is
Conchita." And I said...
So this beautiful señorita
comes up to me and says:
"My name is Conchita."
[LAUGHS]
That's the funniest
thing I ever heard.
That's a knee-slapper,
Duffy. Ha, ha.
I'll finish the
story later, men.
Vanderbilt.
Polly want a cracker?
BIRD: Polly want a cracker.
Polly want a cracker?
You gotta speak to me,
Polly. Say something.
You've poisoned this
parrot's mind against me.
Dobbs, you gotta talk to me.
Say anything to me, Dobbs.
Anything or I'll go crazy.
You don't wanna see a man
go crazy, do you, Dobbs?
I tell you I'll go crazy, Dobbs.
Crazy. Dobbs, Dobbs.
Dobbs, you can't do this to
me. Dobbs, I am your buddy.
Dobbs, say anything to me.
Well, say something
to me, Dobbs.
Say something. Anything, Dobbs.
Dobbs. Dobbs. Agarn?
You said something to me,
Dobbs. You said my name.
What is it, Dobbs? What is
it? You're standing on my foot.
I'm sorry, Dobbs. I'll
fix that up in a minute.
I've got some good
polish over here.
Won't take any time at all.
It'll be beautiful,
Dobbs. Be just like new.
You'll love it, Dobbs.
You'll just love it.
Agarn? Yes, Duffy?
Anything I can do for you,
Duffy? Polish your boots?
Press your uniform? Trim
your mustache? Name it.
Agarn, if you want
us to talk to you,
there's something
you can do for us.
What is it, Duffy?
Name it. Anything.
Figure out a way we can get into
town to see those dancing girls.
Yeah.
If I did that, the sarge would
never speak to me again.
Oh, well, there's
only one of him
and there's 12 of
you and a parrot.
[ALL CHEERING]
[♪♪♪]
Aha! Ha!
Come on.
[♪♪♪]
All right, you men, look alive.
I want the area in front of the
captain's quarters cleaned up,
is that clear?
Now, let's go.
All right, men, into the wagon.
MAN: Hey, move to the right.
JANE: I'll see you
for dinner, Wilton.
Thanks for the strawberries.
You're welcome,
Wilton. Hi, Jane.
Hi, Agarn.
Uh, allow me to help
you in the wagon.
Why, thank you, Agarn.
Oh, Jane. Yes, Wilton?
You, uh, forgot your basket.
Oh, well, just throw it
in the wagon, Wilton.
Oh.
PARMENTER: Corporal...
What were the men
doing in that wagon?
[STAMMERING]
Searching it, sir.
Now, why would they
be searching my wagon?
Jane, that's a military secret.
Now, see here, corporal.
It's obvious that those men
were trying to sneak into town.
O'ROURKE: Yeah, right here!
Agarn, I want you to throw
these men in the guardhouse.
What seems to be
the trouble, sergeant?
Well, sir, I caught Duffy
crawling into the cannon
and Dobbs was gonna
shoot him over the wall.
It's obvious, sergeant,
that this confinement
is breaking down the
morale of my troop.
Men, this is your
captain speaking.
As of now, I am
rescinding the order
restricting you to the fort.
What's that mean?
It means that now
we can go to town
and see them dancing girls.
Hip, hip... ALL: Hooray!
Hip, hip... ALL: Hooray!
Hip hip... MEN: Hooray!
What are you cheering for?
Nothing, sarge, I
just like to cheer.
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]
[MEN WHOOPING]
MAN: Come on, hey.
O'ROURKE: All right, come on.
LARSON: Take it
easy, be a little patient.
Everybody'll get their table.
Now, just be a little patient.
Well, good evening,
gentlemen. Nice to see you.
Wish we could say
the same, Larson.
I'm afraid you'll have
to stand out here.
There's a three-hour
wait for tables.
You think you got
it made, don't you?
That's a one-beer-a-night
crowd. Yeah.
You haven't found out what
I'm charging for that beer.
Figures, you'd raise the price.
There's also a cover
charge, gentlemen.
A cover charge!
Come on, sarge... Wait a minute.
How much? A dollar a couple.
And I must say you
make a lovely couple.
I'd have punched
him in the nose,
but it's so unladylike.
Ah, it wouldn't have
done any good anyway.
At these prices, he
won't go out of business
until the building collapses.
Ah, don't worry, I'm
gonna think of some way
to get him out of here.
Wait a minute, what did you say?
He won't go out of business
until the building collapses.
Agarn, I don't know why
people say you're dumb.
Who says I'm dumb? Shh.
Sarge, I know it's cheaper
in here, but it's no fun.
We're only gonna be
here till closing time.
We are? And then what?
We're gonna do a
little carpentry work.
Carpentry work? Yeah.
You know, sarge, I am... Shh.
Tomorrow, the military
governor of the territory...
Captain Parmenter. Right.
Is going to make a building
inspection of this saloon.
When you change
your costume, Lilly,
let's run through
that new number.
LILLY: I'll only
be a minute, Dan.
Oh, good afternoon, captain.
Sergeant O'Rourke. Corporal.
Good afternoon, Mr. Larson.
We don't open until 6,
but I'm always delighted
to have my friends
drop in anytime.
I'm here on official
business. Oh?
The captain's just here to make
a routine building inspection.
Well, I'm sure you'll find
everything in good order.
Good, good. Now, I have
several safety precautions
I have to ask you about.
Well, why don't you
sit right down here, sir?
No, no, no, captain.
Sit over here, sir.
Are you all right, sir?
Yes, yes, I'm all right.
Well, the chairs in this place
certainly are in bad shape.
That's never happened before.
A likely story.
Sir, I demand a
complete investigation.
That table was in perfectly
good shape last night.
Why don't you
step over to the bar
and have a sarsaparilla
to quiet your nerves?
Good idea, sergeant.
Yes, sir, I think a drink
is just what you need, sir.
It's, uh... It's on
the house, captain.
Aha! Trying to
bribe the captain.
I knew he'd get
around to that, sir.
I'm not trying to bribe anybody.
Are you all right, sir?
This whole place
is falling apart.
There's nothing
wrong with this place.
It's in excellent condition.
Dan, are you ready
to see this new step?
Go ahead, Lilly.
Oh, you'll love this, captain.
All right, Harry. Hit it.
[PIANO PLAYS, LILLY SCREAMS]
Harry, go down to the cellar.
Lilly has fallen
through the stage.
It's in worse shape
than I imagined.
I don't understand this.
Everything was
all right yesterday.
I'd better go upstairs
and check that
and see what kind
of condition that's in.
O'Rourke? Oh, yes?
I know that you're
behind all of this
and you're not
gonna get away with it.
Why, I don't have any idea
what you're talking about.
You know what I'm talking about.
This should teach you
a lesson, Mr. Larson.
The next time you try to
steal somebody's saloon,
you should have
it inspected first.
I haven't lost this saloon yet. I
can handle Captain Parmenter.
Hey, captain. I'm
so sorry about that.
You were saying, Mr. Larson?
Oh, my. Oh, yes. Well... [♪♪♪]
Yeah!
Hi, Jane. Hello, Wilton.
You wanted to see me? Yes.
I just wanted to tell you
how proud I am of you
for running Dan
Larson out of town.
Oh, that was nothing, Jane.
It's my duty as military
governor of Fort Courage
to see that no undesirable
elements come into town.
That's why you're getting
rid of the dancing girls.
I didn't say I was
getting rid of the girls.
You mean to tell me that
you're gonna let those hussies
get up on-stage and
throw their legs like this.
Now, just a minute, Jane.
You've got this thing all wrong.
Then you'll get rid
of the dancing girls?
No, I mean you're doing
the dance wrong. Now, watch.
♪ Da, da, da Yum ba-bum ♪
♪ Bum, bum, bum ♪
Now, that's how
you do the cancan.
Wilton Parmenter,
you're terrible.
You're right, Jane. I
should kick a little higher.
That's not what I meant.
Oh, Jane.
In olden days, a
glimpse of stocking
was looked on as
something shocking.
Now, heaven
knows, anything goes.
All right, all right. I've
made my decision.
We'll dance over to
the saloon and tell them.
[♪♪♪]
Ah!
Captain Parmenter.
What are you doing
here, sir? Jane.
As a matter of fact, I was
going to ask you the same thing.
You see, sir, when we
heard that good old Pete
got his saloon back
from Mr. Larson,
we thought we'd just come in
here and help him fix the place.
You remember Pete?
Nine kids, rickets?
I thought you said crickets.
The crickets are gone,
but the rickets are back.
Wilton, you better tell
'em what you came for.
Oh, yes. I came to tell Pete
that I've changed my mind.
We're not going to
have any dancing girls.
No dancing girls?
That's right, sergeant.
It creates too many
problems with the troopers.
Problems, sir?
Problems. Right.
So when you see good old Pete,
you tell him he can
still operate his saloon
but without dancing girls.
Come on, Wilton, we got a
lot of wild strawberries to pick.
Jane, please. Not
in front of the men.
So how do you like that?
Yeah.
I knew there was one I missed.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Sarge, I tell you,
you're wasting your time.
Well, all I know is, that
business in that saloon
has fallen off 50 percent.
Now, we gotta find some
way to get those troopers back.
Maybe we ought to stop
watering the whiskey.
[SARCASTICALLY] Ha, ha, ha.
Where are you?
Well, I'm not asking you
how to run my business.
Now, look, the captain still
think Pete owns that saloon.
You just back up whatever I say.
Okay, sarge, but
he said no before.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Come in.
Captain.
At ease, men. I'm
just sealing this letter.
Right, sir. There. There we are.
Now, what...?
[CHUCKLES]
Now, what can I do for you, men?
Well, sir, we've come on
behalf of good old Pete.
Good old Pete?
The bartender
over at the saloon.
The widower. With nine children.
All with rickets.
Oh, no, I'm awfully
sorry to hear that.
Maybe we could take some
money out of the troop fund
and give him a hand.
Oh, no, sir. He would
never accept charity.
What does he
want? Dancing girls.
Dancing girls? For rickets?
You don't understand, sir.
You see, Pete could
triple his business
if you would just allow
him to have dancing girls.
AGARN: That's right.
Their shapely legs
could get his
kids' legs in shape.
Sergeant, you know
that I have always felt
that there is no
place at Fort Courage
for this sort of thing.
It's a distracting
element for the troops.
Sir, I think it's very important
for the morale of the troops.
I mean, there's nothing better
after a long day of soldiering
than to relax with a beer
and to soak up a
little entertainment.
What if we should
have an...? Oh. Here.
What if we should have
a surprise Indian attack?
Well, we'd surprise them, sir.
None of our men
would be in the fort.
They'd all be
over at the saloon.
Ah, but did it ever occur to you
they would attack the saloon?
They'd be playing
into our hands, sir.
An Indian with a
tomahawk is no match
for a girl with
taps on her shoes.
O'ROURKE: Yes, sir. All
things being considered.
I mean, Pete trying to
make a living for his family.
The kids with their
rickety little legs.
The morale of F Troop. Well...
Actually, there is nothing
in the manual about it.
That's right, sir,
nothing in the manual.
It's for a good cause.
Yes, it is for a good cause.
Where does Pete expect
to get these dancing girls?
From Dodge City, sir.
It's part of our cultural
exchange program.
Well, thank you very much, sir.
I am sure that you
will never regret this.
[♪♪♪]
Sarge, you did it.
You are beautiful.
Just stick with me, pal.
This is only the beginning.
[STAGECOACH APPROACHING]
Whoa.
Oh, excuse me, soldiers,
is this where I find
the military
governor of the town?
Yeah, right in there. Captain
Parmenter's his name.
Are you a stranger in
these parts, stranger?
Yes, but not for long.
I'm Dan Larson, the
new owner of the saloon.
Why don't you
drop around tonight?
Drinks are on the house.
Well, thank you,
Mr.Larson. Very nice of you...
BOTH: New owner of the saloon?!
Hey! What are you talking about?
Oh, you must be
Sergeant O'Rourke,
former holder of this lease.
How'd you get that?
When the owner of the
building turned down my bid,
he made the
mistake of telling me
he was leasing to a
soldier on active duty,
the rest was easy.
Listen, we got no room here at
Fort Courage for blackmailers.
Oh, come now, sergeant,
every town needs a crook.
[♪♪♪]
Oh, uh, the offer of drinks
on the house still goes.
[SOBBING]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Oh, hi, Wild Eagle. Hi, Crazy.
WILD EAGLE: O'Rourke.
Hi, Chief. Hi, Craze.
We've been expecting you.
Have some of whiskey ready.
Squaws have been
working their feet to the bone.
Have been operating
still round the sundial.
Well, that's fine, but I
can't take delivery right now.
I just lost the saloon.
Please, sergeant,
don't make jokes.
Hekawis have no sense of humor.
The Navajos are the
laughers. Yeah, yeah, Navajos.
They a million laughs.
He's not joking.
Some guy come into
town and found out
the sarge was running
the saloon illegally
and took over the
lease by blackmail.
Yeah, Larson's his name.
And larceny's his game.
You got dirty deal, O'Rourke.
Wild Eagle hate man
who do a thing like that.
Nothing worse than crook.
Where this man now?
Now, wait a minute, chief.
I don't want you to
go on the warpath.
What warpath?
Want to sell him the whiskey.
That's a fine thing, chief.
I thought you always said
the sarge and me
was like sons to you.
I just put you up for adoption.
Maybe Shoshones take you?
Yeah, they crazy about kids.
O'ROURKE: Chief, you gotta
help me get my saloon back.
If you don't sell your
whiskey to this blackmailer,
it'll drive him out of business.
How long you think that take?
Believe me, chief, he'll be
out of town in two moons.
Make it a moon and a
half and you got a deal.
Fair enough, and if
he's not gone by then,
I pay for the whiskey.
Someone coming.
WILD EAGLE: You
can bet me it's Larson.
It's Larson, all right.
Whoa.
WILD EAGLE: Him
not look like crook.
Can't go by face.
Sergeant O'Rourke
not look like one either.
Don't bother getting
off your wagon, Larson.
You can't buy a
drop of whiskey here.
That's right.
The Hekawis are our friends
and they don't do
business with blackmailers.
You tell him, chief. Sergeant
O'Rourke speak truth.
Hekawis very loyal
people. Poor, but loyal.
Never break word. Friendship
mean more than money.
Nothing you say can
make me sell you whiskey.
That's very admirable, chief.
At least make offer.
O'ROURKE: Wild
Eagle. Six dollars a case.
We deliver anywhere.
I'm surprised at you, Craze.
Oh, I didn't come up
here to buy any whiskey.
You didn't?
No, I thought perhaps the chief
would like to buy some of mine.
You got whiskey?
All I could use.
There it is. Blackfoot bourbon.
Apache ale, Comanche
cognac and Shawnee sherry.
Well, good day, gentlemen.
I have to dash back.
Grand opening tonight, you know.
Hope you'll all be there to
see my line of dancing girls.
[♪♪♪]
Dancing girls? Dancing girls?
Dancing girls? Now, now, Jane.
You, as military
governor of this fort,
would stand by
and let a stranger
run the saloon with
10 dancing girls?
Twelve, but who's counting?
I just bet you know
how many there are.
You probably couldn't wait
to go over there and greet 'em.
Now, Jane, as military governor,
it was my duty to
check their costumes
and see that they were
not going to be scantily clad.
Well, are they gonna
be scantily clad?
Not now.
Wilton Parmenter.
Oh, now, Jane, you're
getting upset over nothing.
Why, I think Fort Courage
is ready for dancing girls.
And I think it's indecent.
Now, Janey, don't be a prude.
Why, at rehearsal
this afternoon...
At rehearsal?
I had to check the dance too.
And all they were doing was
this new dance from France, see?
It's called the
cancan. Now, watch.
♪ Da, da, da Yum ba-bum ♪
♪ Bum, bum, bum Bum ba-bum ♪
Now, is there anything
wrong with that?
Not when you're
wearing a cavalry uniform.
♪ Bum ba-bum, shh Bum, shh... ♪
Oh, sorry, sir. We didn't
know you were busy.
Oh, no, no, that's all right.
Sir, we can come
back at intermission.
No. No.
As a matter of fact,
I'm glad you're here
because Jane and I were just
discussing the dancing girls.
I think it's shameful.
You do?
Yes, I do, O'Rourke.
PARMENTER: Now... Now,
sergeant, explain to Jane
why we need dancing
girls at Fort Courage.
But I don't think we
should have them, sir.
I mean, I... I agree
completely with Jane.
You do? Well, what
about Pete the bartender?
Didn't you tell me his children
were suffering from rickets?
Not rickets, sir. Crickets.
Crickets? O'ROURKE:
That's right, sir.
They had the house surrounded.
The children
couldn't get any sleep.
AGARN: But that's all over, sir.
They burned the fields,
and now those kids
are sleeping like babies.
What about our cultural
exchange program with Dodge City?
Dodge City, sir, is a sin city.
Do you realize that they have
40 saloons and one school?
AGARN: And they
serve whiskey there too.
Now, Wilton, what are
you gonna do about this?
I've already given permission
for the girls to dance.
Sir, if there are no troopers,
there'll be no
business in the saloon.
And if there's no business,
this, uh, undesirable element
will be forced to leave town.
And here come the
troopers into town.
[MEN CLAMORING]
Captain, you better
do something fast.
Those men are
headed for the saloon.
Halt.
Hey, halt! Oof.
Oh, captain.
Are you all right, sir?
Yes, yes, I'm fine. I'm fine.
All right, troop, fall in!
The captain has something
important to say to you.
Men, this is your
captain speaking.
I would like to announce
that you are all
restricted to the fort.
No one will be allowed
in town until further notice.
[MEN GRUMBLING]
How dare you give your
captain the grumbles!
Take over, sergeant. Yes, sir.
All right, everybody,
back to the fort.
Hey, sarge, how come
the captain won't let us
come to town no more?
Because horse soldiers
and dancing girls don't mix.
The captain made his mind
up awful sudden-like, O'Rourke.
I'll bet this was all your idea.
No, it was our idea.
All right, get a move on.
Sarge, they're mad at us.
Ah, they'll get over it.
Well, just the same.
Let's not have any target
practice for at least 24 hours.
[♪♪♪]
Dobbs, would you please
show me how to blow the bugle?
I've always wanted to
learn how to blow the bugle
and you're just about the...
Duffy, please tell me the
story of the Alamo again.
Let me see if I got it right.
There you were
with Davy Crockett,
and Santa Anna
came charging across...
Vanderbilt, old pal.
You've lost a lot of weight.
Please tell me how you did it.
Hey, Agarn. Yes!
Oh, it's you, sarge.
I'm going over the
things we're gonna need
when we get the
saloon back from Larson.
Sarge, the men have been
giving me the silent treatment.
They've been giving
it to me too, so what?
Now, look, it's a cinch.
After two days of
restriction to this fort,
the guys are gonna drink
more than six cases of whiskey.
So we gotta get
word to Wild Eagle.
Sarge, maybe you don't
mind the men not talking to you,
but I can't take it. I'm...
Well, I'm the sensitive type.
Agarn, I'm talking to you.
Sarge, it's not enough. I
want my buddies to talk to me.
Dobbs, old buddy, talk to
me. Say something. Anything.
[BUGLE BLOWS]
You see that, sarge?
Did you see that?
He hates me. They all hate me.
Oh, come on,
stop carrying on so.
It's only for a little while.
Why don't you go hit
your bunk. Get some rest.
You're right. You're right.
[♪♪♪]
[MEN LAUGHING]
[MEN LAUGHING]
So this beautiful señorita
comes up to me and says:
"My name is
Conchita." And I said...
So this beautiful señorita
comes up to me and says:
"My name is Conchita."
[LAUGHS]
That's the funniest
thing I ever heard.
That's a knee-slapper,
Duffy. Ha, ha.
I'll finish the
story later, men.
Vanderbilt.
Polly want a cracker?
BIRD: Polly want a cracker.
Polly want a cracker?
You gotta speak to me,
Polly. Say something.
You've poisoned this
parrot's mind against me.
Dobbs, you gotta talk to me.
Say anything to me, Dobbs.
Anything or I'll go crazy.
You don't wanna see a man
go crazy, do you, Dobbs?
I tell you I'll go crazy, Dobbs.
Crazy. Dobbs, Dobbs.
Dobbs, you can't do this to
me. Dobbs, I am your buddy.
Dobbs, say anything to me.
Well, say something
to me, Dobbs.
Say something. Anything, Dobbs.
Dobbs. Dobbs. Agarn?
You said something to me,
Dobbs. You said my name.
What is it, Dobbs? What is
it? You're standing on my foot.
I'm sorry, Dobbs. I'll
fix that up in a minute.
I've got some good
polish over here.
Won't take any time at all.
It'll be beautiful,
Dobbs. Be just like new.
You'll love it, Dobbs.
You'll just love it.
Agarn? Yes, Duffy?
Anything I can do for you,
Duffy? Polish your boots?
Press your uniform? Trim
your mustache? Name it.
Agarn, if you want
us to talk to you,
there's something
you can do for us.
What is it, Duffy?
Name it. Anything.
Figure out a way we can get into
town to see those dancing girls.
Yeah.
If I did that, the sarge would
never speak to me again.
Oh, well, there's
only one of him
and there's 12 of
you and a parrot.
[ALL CHEERING]
[♪♪♪]
Aha! Ha!
Come on.
[♪♪♪]
All right, you men, look alive.
I want the area in front of the
captain's quarters cleaned up,
is that clear?
Now, let's go.
All right, men, into the wagon.
MAN: Hey, move to the right.
JANE: I'll see you
for dinner, Wilton.
Thanks for the strawberries.
You're welcome,
Wilton. Hi, Jane.
Hi, Agarn.
Uh, allow me to help
you in the wagon.
Why, thank you, Agarn.
Oh, Jane. Yes, Wilton?
You, uh, forgot your basket.
Oh, well, just throw it
in the wagon, Wilton.
Oh.
PARMENTER: Corporal...
What were the men
doing in that wagon?
[STAMMERING]
Searching it, sir.
Now, why would they
be searching my wagon?
Jane, that's a military secret.
Now, see here, corporal.
It's obvious that those men
were trying to sneak into town.
O'ROURKE: Yeah, right here!
Agarn, I want you to throw
these men in the guardhouse.
What seems to be
the trouble, sergeant?
Well, sir, I caught Duffy
crawling into the cannon
and Dobbs was gonna
shoot him over the wall.
It's obvious, sergeant,
that this confinement
is breaking down the
morale of my troop.
Men, this is your
captain speaking.
As of now, I am
rescinding the order
restricting you to the fort.
What's that mean?
It means that now
we can go to town
and see them dancing girls.
Hip, hip... ALL: Hooray!
Hip, hip... ALL: Hooray!
Hip hip... MEN: Hooray!
What are you cheering for?
Nothing, sarge, I
just like to cheer.
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]
[MEN WHOOPING]
MAN: Come on, hey.
O'ROURKE: All right, come on.
LARSON: Take it
easy, be a little patient.
Everybody'll get their table.
Now, just be a little patient.
Well, good evening,
gentlemen. Nice to see you.
Wish we could say
the same, Larson.
I'm afraid you'll have
to stand out here.
There's a three-hour
wait for tables.
You think you got
it made, don't you?
That's a one-beer-a-night
crowd. Yeah.
You haven't found out what
I'm charging for that beer.
Figures, you'd raise the price.
There's also a cover
charge, gentlemen.
A cover charge!
Come on, sarge... Wait a minute.
How much? A dollar a couple.
And I must say you
make a lovely couple.
I'd have punched
him in the nose,
but it's so unladylike.
Ah, it wouldn't have
done any good anyway.
At these prices, he
won't go out of business
until the building collapses.
Ah, don't worry, I'm
gonna think of some way
to get him out of here.
Wait a minute, what did you say?
He won't go out of business
until the building collapses.
Agarn, I don't know why
people say you're dumb.
Who says I'm dumb? Shh.
Sarge, I know it's cheaper
in here, but it's no fun.
We're only gonna be
here till closing time.
We are? And then what?
We're gonna do a
little carpentry work.
Carpentry work? Yeah.
You know, sarge, I am... Shh.
Tomorrow, the military
governor of the territory...
Captain Parmenter. Right.
Is going to make a building
inspection of this saloon.
When you change
your costume, Lilly,
let's run through
that new number.
LILLY: I'll only
be a minute, Dan.
Oh, good afternoon, captain.
Sergeant O'Rourke. Corporal.
Good afternoon, Mr. Larson.
We don't open until 6,
but I'm always delighted
to have my friends
drop in anytime.
I'm here on official
business. Oh?
The captain's just here to make
a routine building inspection.
Well, I'm sure you'll find
everything in good order.
Good, good. Now, I have
several safety precautions
I have to ask you about.
Well, why don't you
sit right down here, sir?
No, no, no, captain.
Sit over here, sir.
Are you all right, sir?
Yes, yes, I'm all right.
Well, the chairs in this place
certainly are in bad shape.
That's never happened before.
A likely story.
Sir, I demand a
complete investigation.
That table was in perfectly
good shape last night.
Why don't you
step over to the bar
and have a sarsaparilla
to quiet your nerves?
Good idea, sergeant.
Yes, sir, I think a drink
is just what you need, sir.
It's, uh... It's on
the house, captain.
Aha! Trying to
bribe the captain.
I knew he'd get
around to that, sir.
I'm not trying to bribe anybody.
Are you all right, sir?
This whole place
is falling apart.
There's nothing
wrong with this place.
It's in excellent condition.
Dan, are you ready
to see this new step?
Go ahead, Lilly.
Oh, you'll love this, captain.
All right, Harry. Hit it.
[PIANO PLAYS, LILLY SCREAMS]
Harry, go down to the cellar.
Lilly has fallen
through the stage.
It's in worse shape
than I imagined.
I don't understand this.
Everything was
all right yesterday.
I'd better go upstairs
and check that
and see what kind
of condition that's in.
O'Rourke? Oh, yes?
I know that you're
behind all of this
and you're not
gonna get away with it.
Why, I don't have any idea
what you're talking about.
You know what I'm talking about.
This should teach you
a lesson, Mr. Larson.
The next time you try to
steal somebody's saloon,
you should have
it inspected first.
I haven't lost this saloon yet. I
can handle Captain Parmenter.
Hey, captain. I'm
so sorry about that.
You were saying, Mr. Larson?
Oh, my. Oh, yes. Well... [♪♪♪]
Yeah!
Hi, Jane. Hello, Wilton.
You wanted to see me? Yes.
I just wanted to tell you
how proud I am of you
for running Dan
Larson out of town.
Oh, that was nothing, Jane.
It's my duty as military
governor of Fort Courage
to see that no undesirable
elements come into town.
That's why you're getting
rid of the dancing girls.
I didn't say I was
getting rid of the girls.
You mean to tell me that
you're gonna let those hussies
get up on-stage and
throw their legs like this.
Now, just a minute, Jane.
You've got this thing all wrong.
Then you'll get rid
of the dancing girls?
No, I mean you're doing
the dance wrong. Now, watch.
♪ Da, da, da Yum ba-bum ♪
♪ Bum, bum, bum ♪
Now, that's how
you do the cancan.
Wilton Parmenter,
you're terrible.
You're right, Jane. I
should kick a little higher.
That's not what I meant.
Oh, Jane.
In olden days, a
glimpse of stocking
was looked on as
something shocking.
Now, heaven
knows, anything goes.
All right, all right. I've
made my decision.
We'll dance over to
the saloon and tell them.
[♪♪♪]
Ah!
Captain Parmenter.
What are you doing
here, sir? Jane.
As a matter of fact, I was
going to ask you the same thing.
You see, sir, when we
heard that good old Pete
got his saloon back
from Mr. Larson,
we thought we'd just come in
here and help him fix the place.
You remember Pete?
Nine kids, rickets?
I thought you said crickets.
The crickets are gone,
but the rickets are back.
Wilton, you better tell
'em what you came for.
Oh, yes. I came to tell Pete
that I've changed my mind.
We're not going to
have any dancing girls.
No dancing girls?
That's right, sergeant.
It creates too many
problems with the troopers.
Problems, sir?
Problems. Right.
So when you see good old Pete,
you tell him he can
still operate his saloon
but without dancing girls.
Come on, Wilton, we got a
lot of wild strawberries to pick.
Jane, please. Not
in front of the men.
So how do you like that?
Yeah.
I knew there was one I missed.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]