F Troop (1965–1967): Season 2, Episode 14 - The Return of Wrongo Starr - full transcript

[PLAYING OFF-KEY FANFARE]

Sarge, I still don't see

what good this goat
is gonna be for us.

Agarn, according
to Army regulations,

F Troop is allowed a mascot.

Right? Right.

Which entitles us to an
annual allowance of $100.

Right? Right.

Now, how much it gonna
cost for a meal for a goat?

I don't know, are
you a big tipper?

Ugh. Agarn.



You know, sarge,
it is a good idea.

A very good idea.

I thought you'd think so.

I don't know why
they say you're dumb.

We can feed her with
leftovers from the mess.

Or if she's fussy, tin cans.

It's a small income
but a steady one.

Just another branch

of growing O'Rourke Enterprises.

Here, put her in line.

Sarge. What?

Who says I'm dumb?

[♪♪♪]

Hey, Duffy.



What do you think
of our new mascot?

Huh.

You call that a mascot?

When I was at the
Alamo, we thought big, son.

We wanted to get an
elephant for a mascot.

An elephant?
You're dang tootin'.

We wanted someone who
would remember the Alamo.

Troop, heave hut!

[♪♪♪]

Sergeant.

Gentlemen!

We have been given an assignment

by the War Department.

A new explosive
has been developed.

It's called... Uh...
Uh, "dynamite."

It is 50 times more
powerful than gunpowder.

A shipment of
dynamite will arrive soon

with instructions for its use.

Now, are there any questions?

[GOAT BLEATS]

Yes?

Sergeant, what is
that goat doing here?

Why, that's our
new mascot, captain.

Yes, that goat represents
the strength and the courage

of the men of F Troop.

Her name is Miss
Gwendoline. Yeah.

Milton, we got an
emergency on our hands.

Oh, what's the emergency?

An Army freight
wagon just broke down

in front of the saloon.

It's got "caution" and
"danger" written all over it.

Oh, no, no, no.

That's just the dynamite
we've been expecting.

There... There's no emergency.

Well, this emergency's
just emerging.

Do you know who the driver is?

No, who?

Private Leonard W. Starr.

AGARN: Oh, no!

Wrongo Starr! The jinx is back!

Nonsense, corporal. There's
no such thing as a jinx.

Captain, that man
can't make a move

without everything going wrong.

And how can you
forget what happened

when he was here last year?

And we were warned
about him, remember?

Well, that's why
they call me Wrongo.

Everywhere I go,
things go wrong.

Well, I hope not.

Knock on wood.

And the time I took him up

to the Hekawi camp.

He almost started

a major war with
them single-handed.

[BANGS]

And the time he
walked by our cannon

and blew up our N.C.O. Club?

I tell you, captain,

that little man is big trouble.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Oh, hi, fellows. Hi...
Hey! Hey, watch it!

Dobbs, get something
and prop up that axle.

Here.

Ah, ha, ha.

Well... Welcome
back to Fort Courage,

Private Starr.

Did you have a safe
journey? Oh, yes, captain.

But I was still panicky
every second of the time.

Panicky? Why?

'Cause I was around.

Oh, now, Wrong... Or
Leonard, you can't...

No, sir, it's true.

I'm just nothin' but trouble.

Fellows, I'm sure
glad you're here,

'cause I wanna apologize.

I'm very sorry it happened.

Sorry what happened?

Well, that's just
it. I don't know yet.

Private Starr, you're just going

to have to convince yourself

that all these
unfortunate things

that have happened
are just coincidence,

nothing more, all right?

Good. Now, how was
your last assignment?

It was kinda short, sir.

You see, I was assigned
to General Custer...

Oh, yeah. Yes, yes, yeah.

PARMENTER:
That's all in the past.

All right, men,
let's get to work.

Sergeant, unload the explosives.

All right.

Agarn, unload the explosives.

Dobbs, unload the explosives.

Oh, I'll unload the
explosives, fellas...

Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no!

You stay with the captain.

Men, men, men.

That would be quite enough.

Now, Private Starr's
capable of helping out.

Dobbs, you and Private Starr
begin unloading the explosives.

Be careful.

Uh, no, no, no, no, no.

I'll give you these.
Let me hold...

Sarge, we can't go on like this.

We need help. I... I...

Like a good luck
charm or something.

I... Um...

Good luck charm? Sure.

We have all kinds.

Genuine Indian good luck charms.

Made by all kinds
of genuine Indians.

And with each and every
charm goes a valuable price.

This charm.

It protects you from drought.

This charm.

It protects you from flood.

Ah, this charm.

It protects you from famine.

What's that one made of? Sugar.

We used to have another one.

A charm that
protects you from fire.

But it's not here.

Did it get sold?

It got burned.

Well, is that all

the good luck charms you got?

These are all the
good luck charms,

but we got some bad luck charms.

Now, why would anybody
wanna buy a bad luck charm?

They're cheaper.

Well, you better come up

with some strong
magic, and pretty quick.

We need real protection
from this Wrongo Starr.

Maybe the medicine man
could do a dance or something

to ward off evil spirits.

Oh, no. Hekawis not
go in for that sort of thing.

We not superstitious.

Knock wood.

If you're not superstitious,

how come Crazy Cat

was doing a sun dance last week?

That not sun dance.

That was rehearsal
for sad, sad day

when Wild Eagle
take leave of our tribe,

say goodbye to
earthly possessions,

and go to happy
hunting ground in the sky.

You mean when he dies?

Well, if you wanna
get crude about it.

If you not want funeral
yourself, Crazy Cat,

you better stop
rehearsing my funeral!

Sorry, the show must
go on. [GRUNTING]

Wait a minute. Wait.
Halt, halt, halt, halt.

Come here. Now, now, now, now.

You guys nuts or something?

Acting like a couple
of wild Indians.

Yeah, we're in real trouble.

If we don't get
that jinx busted,

O'Rourke Enterprises will
be out of business in a month.

And if we're out of business,
you're out of business.

Haven't you got a...
A ceremonial dance?

Anything?

Yes, if you really want,
we have many dances.

Dances to bring crops,
dances to bring rain,

to break bad luck spell.

Stop right there.

That's the one we want.

Summon braves. Start to dance.

You gonna join us?

No thanks. Me sit this one out.

Pa-ra-pa-pa!

[♪♪♪]

[DRUMBEATS]

Oh, isn't that wonderful, Agarn?

Look, they got
dances for everything.

Dances to bring crops,
dances to break a bad jinx,

dances for rain.

[THUNDER CRASHING]

[CHATTERING]

Too bad they don't know
which dance is for what!

"And on May 13, F Troop
will use the dynamite

"to blow up that
section of the mountain

"known as Canyon Trail,

"since the trail
has been the route

"taken by roving bands
of hostile Apache Indians

while assaulting
passing wagon trains."

Now, men, we're dealing with
dangerous explosives here.

So let's do the job right,

or this whole thing could
blow up in our faces.

[MAN CHUCKLES]

[GROUP LAUGHING]

[SIGHS]

It's good to face danger
with a laugh, isn't it, men?

Private Starr, since you brought

the explosives here
to Fort Courage,

I'm assigning you to
guard them as well.

Oh, but captain,
everybody knows he's a...

Corporal, not another word.

[MOUTHS] A jinx.

You can make your
quarters in the guard house.

We'll use it as an
ammunition shed.

Now remember, I'm trusting you

to see that nothing happens
to that dynamite until Friday.

All right, men. Dismissed.

[♪♪♪]

Well, hi, Miss Gwendoline.

You all alone too, huh?

Oh, poor little
thing. Tell you what.

You come along with me
to the ammunition shed,

and we'll have a good
talk, friend to friend.

Don't look like I have
too many friends here

around the Fort.

But once, I had a
friend. A good friend.

And he wasn't
afraid I'd jinx him.

No, sir.

And boy, did we
have fun together.

Rebuilding his house
when it burned down...

Replanting his crops
when the blight killed 'em...

Repairing his barn when
the lightning struck it...

And visiting the doctor
when he broke his leg

from the horse running
over him the second time.

JANE: Milton, you're not
listening to a word I'm sayin'.

Uh, Janey, please. Not now.

I'm trying to figure out a way

to break this jinx situation.

Well, you know what I think?

I think what's causing it all is
Wrongo's lack of confidence.

Mmm.

See, he keeps having accidents
because he's unsure of himself.

He doesn't believe in himself.

Just a case of lack of
confidence, that's all. We...

Wilton, you're not listening
to a word I'm sayin'.

Janey, I've got it. I've got it.

He lacks confidence.

Now, how did you
ever think of that?

Now, listen. Listen to this.

"When an individual
lacks confidence in himself,

"he often behaves
in a bumbling manner

which may lead to mishaps
and misadventures."

That describes
Private Starr perfectly.

He has a lack of confidence,

and I'm going to do
something about it.

[LAUGHS] What
do you think, Jane?

I think you're just
about the smartest man

in the whole world.

[♪♪♪]

And sending for help
when his canoe capsized,

and buyin' new cattle when
the plague killed his herd.

Now, Miss Gwendoline,

don't go gnawing in
them crates no more.

Believe me, that stuff
could give you the cramps.

[BLEATS]

[BLEATS]

Captain, I'm sorry.

Miss Gwendoline dashed
out before I could stop her.

Are you all right?

I'm fine. I'm... Fine.

I... I'm sorry.

It just seems wherever I go,
I'm fated to cause bad luck.

Oh, now, Leonard.

No, it's true.

It's been this way all my life.

You see, at an early age, a
black cat crossed my path.

Well, th... That's nothing.

Everybody's had a
black cat cross their path.

In the delivery room?

Uh, well, now.

Shall we go inside where
we can talk privately?

I have a task for you,
and I'm sure you can do it.

A task? What is
it, captain? Shhh.

[♪♪♪]

Captain, I have
something to report. Oh?

Private Starr has
finally done something

to help the troop.

Oh, what's that,
corporal? He deserted.

Oh, no, he's done
nothing of the sort.

I... I assigned him a
special secret project

that will prove once and for all

that he is not the
bringer of bad luck.

What project is that, sir?

All I'll tell you is that
I've given Private Starr

the opportunity he needs
to convince himself and you

that he is just an
ordinary soldier

like the rest of the troop.

And we'll leave
the rest up to him.

Uh, yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Oh, and sergeant, I
want you and Cpl. Agarn

to keep an eye out on
the ammunition shed.

I don't want any
unlucky accidents

to happen before we
blow up the canyon.

Uh, when is that
planned for, sir?

This Friday. Oh, hm.

Sarge. What?

You know what the
date is this Friday?

What is it? It's
Friday the 13th.

Yeah, now, don't panic, man.

Hey, have you seen
Miss Gwendoline?

No, I haven't.

Hey, Duffy, have you
seen the troop mascot?

Yeah, she's with Wrongo
in the ammunition shed.

Leastwise, that's where
they were a while ago.

Thanks, Duff.

I'll tell you one thing.

At the Alamo, we'd never
let a goat wander around...

All right, all right, I
know about the Alamo.

Thank you very
much, Duffy, goodbye.

Ah, so that's where
Miss Gwendoline is.

In the ammunition
shed with Wrongo Starr.

It's hard luck and
trouble, sarge...

Hey, don't tense
up! Don't tense up.

Why would I tense up?

Just because that
accident-prone person

is cooped up in the
ammunition shed

with a goat,
surrounded on all sides,

50, 60 tons of high
explosive dynamite?

Tense up?

[LAUGHS] Ah!

Come on with me.

[♪♪♪]

[BLEATS] Hey!

[BLEATS]

[♪♪♪]

Agarn!

There's a whole box
of dynamite missing.

Well, so what? It
ain't that expensive.

That goat, she
must have eaten it.

Eaten the dynamite? Yeah.

This place is a
powder keg, I tell you.

We gotta make sure
that four-legged bomb

don't get back in here.

Well, don't worry, sarge.

The way that goat was running,

by now she'll be

miles and miles away from here.

Dear occupant... Chief
Wild Eagle dying...

Hey, Agarn.

Smoke signal from
the Hekawi camp.

What's it say?

Dear occupant... Uh,
Chief Wild Eagle die...

Dying?!

Sarge! Miss Gwendoline.

She exploded!

Wait a minute, there's more.

You are cordially
invited to attend funeral.

Gotta go now.

The blanket's burning.

We gotta go up there,
Agarn. This is a disaster.

You're right, a disaster.
I can't believe it.

Chief Wild Eagle dying.

He was always a
good, honest man,

a true, loyal friend,
and a devout crook.

[♪♪♪]

And to my cousin, Sitting Duck,

I leave my best bow and arrow,

in hopes that he learn
to be as strong as an ox,

as wise as an owl,

as sly as a fox,
as swift as a deer...

Uh, look, chief, will
you talk a little slower,

or die a little faster?

Quiet, me not want
to rush into this.

Well, get to the important part.

Uh, to the new Hekawi
chief, whoever he may be,

whoever may be chosen,

you leave me a teepee filled...

Not so fast. Me not dead yet.

Hmm... Oh, almost forget.

After me die, me
want great ceremony.

Many braves, many
squaws, many gifts.

You make big mistake, chief.

Small ceremony much nicer.

Me not want that.

Okay, it's your funeral.

Ah, Miss Gwendoline.

She didn't blow the place up.

Listen, chief, you
gotta get rid of that goat.

You're life is in jeopardy.

I know, but it too late to help.

Superstition just
about to come true.

Superstition?

It is written that
when white goat

enter Hekawi camp
during rainy season,

the chief will die.

That's the superstition.

Thought you told me
you weren't superstitious.

Yes, but one of
our superstitions

is to lie a lot.

Agarn, that goat is a
walking around powder keg.

Get her out of here.
AGARN: Oh, but sarge...

You heard me. Get rid of her.

That's an order. And be careful.

She might blow up any minute.

[♪♪♪]

Gwendoline, sweet.

Gwendoline, you gotta
come with me, sweetheart.

This ain't my idea.

See? I'm only a corporal.

The sarge has got three stripes,

and what he says goes.

[CRYING] And you can
have anything you want.

Roses, grass, tin cans.

Anything, all the
goodies of life.

You just come... [BLUBBERING]

Don't look at me
with those cow eyes.

I can't...

War dance at the Canyon Trail!

Apache on warpath!

Did you hear that,
sweetheart? Apaches!

Agarn, let's alert the fort.

Those Apaches are trouble.

But, sarge, what about
Miss Gwendoline?

Never mind Miss Gwendoline.

Chief, you better
hurry up and die,

or you might get killed.

[♪♪♪]

[BANGING ON DOOR]

O'ROURKE: Captain, the
Apaches are on the warpath

at Canyon Trail.

What? Did you say
Canyon Trail, sergeant?

Apaches, yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Well, that's where
Private Starr is right now.

Oh, no, captain, what's
he doing out there?!

That was his secret assignment.

To plant the dynamite
at Canyon Trail.

You mean to tell me that
he's up there all alone?

Yes.

Oh, this is a frightening
situation, sergeant.

An entire tribe of hostile
Indians, with their...

Their warriors and their weapons

and their native cunning,
all pitted against one man.

Private Leonard W. Starr.

Yeah. Oh!

Oh, them poor Indians.

They won't stand a chance.

Quiet, corporal.

Private Starr needs
our help immediately..

Sergeant, assemble the troop.

Yes, sir.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Hey, Miss Gwendoline.
It's nice to see you.

But you shouldn't be
here, it's dangerous.

I gotta plant the dynamite

for the troop to
set off tomorrow.

I'm still glad
you're here though.

I was getting kinda nervous.

This is an important assignment,

and I owe it to the
troop to do well.

They're a nice bunch of fellows.

They're the nicest
bunch of fellows

I ever been avoided by.

Well, come on.

Let's get going.

All right, men, we'll stop here.

Now, we have to locate
Private Starr quickly.

Do any of you have any idea

in which direction
he might have gone?

I think I can help, sir.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Mm-hm!

He went that way, sir.

Excellent, corporal.
How can you tell that?

Well, first, sir, fresh
hoof marks on the trail.

Uh-huh.

Second, sir, the
grass points that way.

And third, sir, I
found his neckerchief.

[DRUMS POUNDING]

What's that?

War drums.

War drums?

Couldn't they be very
loud peace drums?

Now, now, calm
yourself, corporal.

Times like these, I always
remember what my uncle,

General Lucius
Parmenter, used to say:

"If a man lives life
with a brave heart,

"a strong will,
and a valiant soul,

why, a man could live forever."

Well, sir, how can you
remember each word so exactly?

Oh, it's on his tombstone.

There's no time
to waste. Move out!

There, Miss Gwendoline.

That's the last of the dynamite.

Now all we have to do

is wait for the
rest of the troop.

Huh?

[♪♪♪]

PARMENTER: They're
down there, men!

Charge! Hyah!

[HOOTING]

Come on, Miss Gwendoline,
let's get out of here.

[HOOTING]

Well, looks like that's the
end of the Apaches, captain.

And of Private
Starr too, I'm afraid.

Poor little guy.

He was kinda
nice to be around...

from far away.

Private Leonard W. Starr.

Scorned in life, but
honored in death.

Honored in death.

Too bad he's not alive to...

[WHIMPERING] To hear it.

Gentlemen, may I
suggest we all pause

for one minute of silence

in memory of Private Starr.

Captain?

One minute of silence, please.

Shhh.

Wrongo, you're alive.

Yeah, I've always been.

But the explosion! Oh, I...

I know you guys wanted
to set it off tomorrow, but I...

But you took it upon
yourself to do the task alone.

Not exactly. I...

Oh, no false modesty, please.

You've... You've
done an excellent job.

I'm extremely
proud of you, private.

Hey, Crazy Cat.

Any word on Wild Eagle? Yes.

Wild Eagle, he recovered.

He in best of health.

He never looked
better in his life.

What, that's wonderful!

And you came all
the way over here

to tell us the good news?

No. Come to ask favor.

Need get well
gift for Wild Eagle.

What do you want?

Him.

Ha, ha!

That's a good girl, Gwendoline.

Now in just one minute,

you are officially gonna
be a civilian again.

Sarge, Crazy Cat
told me that the funeral

for the Apache
chief is tomorrow.

Heh, how do you like

that old superstition
coming true?

White goat go to Hekawi
camp, Indian chief die.

Which is to...

Good thing for us
it wasn't Wild Eagle.

Try telling that to Crazy Cat.

[LAUGHS]

Sorry you're
leaving us, private,

but you've done a wonderful job.

I'm proud of you.
Oh, thanks, captain.

And thanks for giving
me Miss Gwendoline too.

Oh! Leonard, we're
gonna miss you.

Oh, me too.

Gee, fellows, I'm sure sorry.

I hope I wasn't
too much trouble,

being a jinx and all.

Oh, no, no, no.

Leonard, you are just
going to have to remember

that that is all over.

Now, the jinx is broken.

You sure, captain?

I'm positive.

[WHINNYING]

[♪♪♪]