F Troop (1965–1967): Season 1, Episode 8 - Old Ironpants - full transcript
Captain Parmenter goes to command school and returns a tough Army officer that no one likes.
[BUGLE PLAYS "CHARGE"]
♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪
♪ When quite accidentally ♪
♪ A hero who sneezed
Abruptly seized ♪
♪ Retreat And
reversed it to victory ♪
♪ His Medal of Honor
Pleased and thrilled ♪
♪ His proud little
Family group ♪
♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪
♪ And so it was
planned He'd command ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
♪ Where Indian fights
Are colorful sights ♪
♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪
♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪
♪ Both turn chicken ♪
♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪
♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪
♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪
♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
[♪♪♪]
Wrangler.
Wrangler!
Hi, Wrangler.
Hi, Agarn.
What do you got there?
It's a letter for
Captain Parmenter.
I figured it might be important.
Yeah, it might at that.
Hey, you can't read that.
It's from Army headquarters.
What do you think I'm
wearing, a sailor suit?
[BUGLE PLAYING OFF-KEY]
PARMENTER: Come in.
I have a letter for
you, here, Wilton.
Oh, just a minute, Jane.
Go ahead, Dobbs,
let's hear it again.
[PLAYING OFF-KEY]
Oh, that was just beautiful,
Dobbs. Wasn't it, Janey?
Oh, yes, I always love
"My Old Kentucky Home."
But I was playing "Reveille."
No matter what you were
playing, Dobbs, we loved it.
You ain't just saying
that, are you captain?
Dobbs, if the Confederate
Army had had you for a bugler,
we'd all be eating corn
pone and hominy grits.
[CHUCKLES] Thank you, sir.
Here's the letter, Wilton.
Oh, thank you, Jane.
JANE: You know, Dobbs,
you really are soundin'
better with that bugle.
DOBBS: I owe it all
to the captain, Jane.
That man never
stopped believin' in me.
That's why I'm
doing everything I can
to lose weight in
my fat upper lip.
By gosh, it does look thinner.
Oh, I don't believe it.
JANE: What is it, Wilton?
I've been transferred
to Fort Riley.
Oh, no.
They can't take you
away from us, sir.
Oh, no, no. It's
just temporary duty.
They want me to go
to command school
and take a two-week
course in, uh,
"new techniques
in military strategy."
Wilton, two weeks
is a long time.
Fourteen days.
[♪♪♪]
Agarn. Daagh!
Shh!
[WHISPERS] Never sneak
up on me like that again, sarge.
You almost scared me to death.
What are you doin'?
Captain Parmenter
got an important letter
from Army headquarters, and
I'm trying find out what's in it.
Oh.
Oh, Corporal Agarn,
I'm glad you dropped in.
Sorry about that, captain.
My... My horse stop short.
With the captain's permission,
I'd like to go practice.
Very well, Dobbs.
Sergeant O'Rourke,
I'm glad you're here too.
I've just received a letter
from command headquarters
ordering me to report to
Fort Riley Command School.
You're being transferred, sir?
Oh, no. It's just for two weeks
to take a new course in a
new type of military strategy.
Oh.
Well, I'm certainly
glad of that, sir.
Fort Courage would never be
the same without the old man.
Hmm.
What old man?
Well, you, sir.
I mean, you are the old man.
Well, I wouldn't be surprised
if you came back from
that Army school a major.
Oh, now, Janey,
they certainly wouldn't
want to make me a major.
Would they?
If the captain will excuse
me, sir, I'll assemble the troops
so that you can make
your farewell address.
[♪♪♪]
Wilton.
Hmm. "Major Parmenter."
Hey, that does have a...
Have a certain ring to it.
Ooh, Wilton.
Heh-heh.
"Major Wilton Parmenter."
Well, there goes
O'Rourke Enterprises
with you nailed to the
fort for the next two weeks.
Are you kiddin'? This is
the best break we ever had.
How do you figure that, sarge?
With the captain away,
I can finally get started
on the best money-making deal
that O'Rourke
Enterprises ever had.
What's that?
Mail-order brides.
Mail-order brides?
Oh, sarge.
[PLAYING OFF-KEY]
All right, fall in,
on the double!
All right, moved
it, Hoffenmueller!
Jawohl, jawohl.
Hurry it up, if it
took you any longer,
your enlistments would be up!
Sorry about the
bugling, captain.
Oh, you did a very
nice job, Dobbs.
It didn't sound a bit like
"My Old Kentucky Home."
Well, thank you, sir.
AGARN: Attention!
O'ROURKE: All right,
now let's pull in those stomachs
and pull back those shoulders.
Look like somebody.
Let's not be to harsh
on them, sergeant.
We're gonna miss you, captain.
Now, men, the captain has
a few words he wants to say
to you men before he leaves.
Thank you, sergeant.
Men, four score and
seven weeks ago,
I was sent here to Fort Courage.
Now, I'm going to be away
from this post for a short time.
And I want you all to
give Sergeant O'Rourke
the same respect you give me.
I hope I don't get any reports
of horseplay and high jinks.
Now, remember... Remember now,
just because the cat's away,
the mice don't
have to act like rats.
[PARMENTER LAUGHING]
[ALL LAUGHING]
For a moment there,
I thought they'd lost
their sense of humor.
Well, it's very hard
to laugh, sir, when...
When you're all choked up.
Now, men, I take
my leave of you,
but while I will be training
with the high
command at Fort Riley,
my heart will be here.
All right, now let's hear it
for the captain! Hip-hip...
ALL: Hooray!
Hip-hip... Hooray!
Hip-hip-hooray! Hooray!
Dobbs.
Present! Ho!
[FUSE HISSING]
[HISSING STOPS]
Well, don't you worry, captain.
I'm gonna have that gun crew
target practicing every minute.
What do you wanna do,
sarge, blow up the fort?
He may be right, sergeant.
Now, captain, it's
about time this troop
was in a class with its command.
Oh, thank you.
Were gonna miss you, captain.
[DOORS SLAM OPEN]
Charlie, look. I know
you're the town drunk
but the saloon has only
been open for 10 minutes.
Charlie, you ought to
be ashamed of yourself!
Oh, nonsense, we're
all very proud of Charlie.
Why, we've got the
fastest drunk in the West.
There's you stage, captain.
Wilton, I've packed you
some goodies for your trip.
Oh, really, Jane?
You shouldn't have.
I packed you some fried
chicken, a lemon meringue pie,
and lookie here,
some oatmeal cookies.
Very good, Jane!
Agarn, you shouldn't eat
that. Those are for, Wilton.
I happen to be the
captain's food taster.
Well, uh, we don't
wanna be late, sir.
And I don't worry want
you to about a thing now.
Everything's gonna
be fine at the fort.
Are you gonna miss me, Wilton?
Well, of course, Jane.
Are you gonna miss
me too, captain?
Why, certainly, Agarn.
Who are you gonna miss
more? Janey or... me?
Bye, Wilton.
Just a handshake
will do, captain.
Well, have a good trip, sir.
There we go.
Oh!
It'll be a little
snack for the road.
Ah, farewell. Goodbye.
Goodbye, sir.
All right. Take it
away. Goodbye, Wilton
Bye, Wilton. Bye, Janey.
Goodbye, Wilton. Bye.
Bye, Wilton. Goodbye.
I'm gonna miss the old man.
Heh. Hey, what old man?
The captain, sarge.
Oh, yeah, that one.
Come on, Agarn. Let's go.
Where are you going?
While the cat's away,
the rats will play.
[♪♪♪]
Dobbs, you're
first. What'll it be?
Blond, brunette, redhead,
tall, short, fat, thin.
We aim to please.
Well, I like a gal
between 21 and 28.
Twenty-one, 28.
Blond, blue eyes. Uh-huh.
Real good personality
and a whale of a figure.
Yeah, fine. We're
all out of that model.
What are you
talkin' about, Agarn?
I bought the last
one. You're wrong.
I thought employees
get preference?
I'll have one for
you and one for him.
They'll probably be sisters.
Hey, corporal, that'll
make us brothers-in-law.
Say.
Say, Dobbs, you
know, you're right.
Why don't you
and the little lady
come over for dinner
one night? We'd love to.
7:30?
Just fine, bye. Bye.
All right Duffy, what'll it be?
I want the same thing
Dobbs ordered, sarge,
only I'd like it in red.
Ah, I think you
made a good choice.
She'll look good in red.
Give him a receipt there.
There we are.
Hoffenmueller.
[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
Sarge, he's orderin' a cow.
O'ROURKE: No, I think he wants
one of those big opera singers.
It's all right. We'll get what
you want, Hoffenmueller.
Ha? Fine. Danke shön.
Vanderbilt?
I want a girl named Shirley.
Don't you care
what she looks like?
They all looked alike
to me, right, Dobbs?
I'm Agarn.
See what I mean, sarge.
Yeah, that's how it goes.
Thank you very much.
There we are.
No, no, no, no.
Another satisfied costumer.
Yeah.
Sarge, how are you gonna
fill out all these orders?
Agarn, in the
matchmaking business,
you solve one problem at a time.
All right, let's
bring your money.
Ha-ha. Now, what will it be?
Sarge, you really think
four mail-order brides
are gonna get off
the stagecoach today?
Will you relax, Agarn?
We got the confirmation
wire almost two weeks ago.
Yeah, but can you trust
that man in Dodge City?
He's got the biggest mail-order
bride business in the territory.
He just happened to be
overstocked on blonds.
There it is. There it is.
[ALL SHOUTING]
Back, back!
Shirley?
Troop! Atten-hut!
Sergeant O'Rourke acting
commander, F Troop, sir.
At ease, men.
PARMENTER: Could you give
me a hand please, General Custer?
General Custer?
It's your sword, captain.
It's caught under the seat.
Oh, yes. Thank you, sir.
[♪♪♪]
Well, I'll take leave
of you now, captain.
My congratulations.
Thank you, sir.
I still find it hard to believe
that you've completed
the course in military
strategy in less than two weeks.
It never would have
been possible, sir,
if you hadn't been
an inspiration.
That credits belong
to you, Parmenter.
I hope to see you again.
Good luck on your new
assignment of Little Big Horn.
Thank you, captain.
Driver, you may go.
DRIVER: Come on, boy. Hyah!
Well, it's
certainly... Attention!
You speak when
spoken to, sergeant.
JANE: Wilton! Wilton.
This is military business, Jane.
But I only wanted to say howdy.
Later, Jane.
But I... Out!
Bye, Wilton.
Who are you and what have you
done with our Captain Parmenter?
Agarn, one more
remark like that,
and I'll have you shot
for insubordination.
Sergeant, march the
troops back to the fort
and order them to stand
inspection at 6:00 tomorrow.
In the morning, captain?
Assign that man to quarters.
But, sir, we had an
inspection last month.
Agarn, you're getting closer
and closer to that firing squad.
[DOORS SLAM OPEN]
Dobbs, run this man out of town.
But, captain, what are we
gonna do for a town drunk?
We're not going to have one.
And I'm ordering
the saloon closed too.
Come on, Charlie.
Oh, and, sergeant,
I want you to
assign a work detail
to begin construction
immediately
of an officer's club.
But, sir, you're the...
You're the only officer we have.
How 'bout that?
[♪♪♪]
[PLAYING OFF-KEY]
They're here! They're here!
Sarge, what about
those mail-order brides?
Relax, will you, Agarn?
The way it's goin' with
Ironpants, we ain't never...
You don't have to worry
about Captain Parmenter.
Don't worry? Last night
he ordered lights out,
and it wasn't even dark.
He's coming.
[♪♪♪]
Bugler, sound "Assembly."
[PLAYING OFF-KEY]
Sergeant.
Yes, sir.
Relieve this man of duty.
But, captain, I'm doin'...
And strip him of his bugle.
Corporal, call the
men to attention.
[YELLS]
Men, I would like to
say that I am delighted
to be back at Fort Courage.
That's what I would like to
say, but when I look at you,
the words stick in my throat.
You are the worst-looking
group of soldiers in the history
of the United States Army.
With the captain's permission...
You're out of uniform.
If you don't get a regulation
hat, I'm shipping you
to the Mexican border.
And you, Hoffenmueller.
Jawohl, mein capitan.
If you don't lose 20
pounds, I'm shipping you
back to Düsseldorf.
That goes for all of you.
Either shape up or ship out!
Sergeant, I would like
to see if the gun crew
can fire the cannon,
and if they knock
down the lookout tower,
I want them all thrown
in the guardhouse.
Yes, sir.
Gun crew, fall in.
[♪♪♪]
[FUSE HISSING]
Does the water tower count?
Until such time as F Troop
can pass one of my inspections,
every man is
confined to the fort.
Dismiss the troop.
Troop dismissed!
Duffy, get a repair
detail on that water tower!
Yes, sir.
Hoffenmueller,
Vanderbilt, Come with me.
Agarn, you come with me.
But where are we going, sarge?
We're gonna go have a
powwow with Wild Eagle.
But you heard
what Ironpants said,
we're confined to the fort.
Yeah, how 'bout that?
You have problem,
you come to right man.
Wise old Indian saying,
"You show me
squirrel with acorn,
and I show you happy moose."
Chief, why don't you wise up
and cut out those wise
old Indians sayings?
Yeah, now look, chief,
we need your help.
We want you to attack the fort.
Attack fort? Never!
You are friend, O'Rourke.
No, you don't understand.
We've got to teach this
Ironpants Parmenter a lesson.
Here.
Take like a peace pipe
and forget the whole thing.
No, no, this is a phony attack.
We just want you to ride around
the fort and hoop and holler.
We'll shoot over your
heads and chase you off.
All right, you
want Indian attack,
we give you Indian attack.
Cost you $20.
Twenty dollars?
That ain't no Indian attack,
that's highway robbery!
Then go to Apaches. They'd
be glad to attack for nothing.
They play too rough.
Fifteen dollars,
take it or leave it?
For $15 I could not even
get squaws to attack.
Seventeen fifty?
For that price I cannot
give you first-class attack.
All you get is six
braves on old horses.
No war paint, no
yelling and screaming.
What's an Indian attack
with no war whoops?
Would you whoop it up for 17.50?
He's got a point there.
All right, we'll
take the $20 attack,
but I want a lot braves,
a lot of war paint,
yelling, screaming.
Now, if you'd like
to go for $25 attack,
five redskins bite dust.
I'll stick with the $20 attack.
O'Rourke. What?
You pay in advance,
cash on drum head.
Wild Eagle, after all our
business deals together,
you don't trust me?
How 'bout that?
[♪♪♪]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Come in.
What is it, sergeant?
Well, I'm afraid I have
some bad news, sir.
Most of the troop had to
report for sick call this morning.
Sick call? Ooh.
Perhaps you better report
to sick call yourself, sir.
I'm perfectly all
right, sergeant.
Well, fine. Well, until
the men are ready
to report for duty, I'm
afraid we'll have to do
with the token guard, sir.
Token guard? Yes.
Do you realize we
could be attacked
by hostile Indians
at any moment?
Did you ever stop
to think of that?
Yeah, I rarely think
of anything else, sir.
[♪♪♪]
Two paces back, sergeant.
[WHISPERS] Here
comes Ol' Ironpants.
You ready, Wrangler?
You can bet a bucket
of buzzards, I am.
All right, you all
know what to do.
Let's hear some moaning.
[ALL MOANING]
You call that moaning?
Let's really hear it.
[ALL MOANING LOUDLY]
Remember, you're in pain.
Pain.
Malingerers!
We've got some mighty
sick boys here, captain.
[MOANING CONTINUES]
Jane, what are you doing here?
I'm taking care of
these mighty sick boys.
Yeah, they're
mighty sick, captain.
You don't even
know what's wrong.
They're suffering from a disease
called the "Parmentercholic."
You make 'em sick.
Sergeant, arrest this woman.
Well, I can't do that,
sir. She's a civilian.
Then draft her, then arrest her.
[YELLING, GUNSHOTS]
Captain, wait a minute.
Do you hear what I hear?
All I hear is moaning.
[YELLING, GUNSHOTS]
Indians.
Get out of those beds,
men, we're being attacked!
Dobbs.
Don't hit me, captain.
Get back to duty,
that's an order.
I can't, captain.
My head feels like it's been
kicked by a bull with a boil.
You, Duffy, get your rifle!
Oh, my back is killing me.
Hoffenmueller.
Captain, mein
magen ist vergrimmt.
Captain, there was a
time when these men
would have gotten
out of these sick beds
and gone to their
grave for the old man.
What old man?
You, sir. You were the old man.
The men used to call
you "the lovable old man"
behind your back.
And now they call you
"Ironpants" behind your pants.
They call me "Ironpants"
behind my pants?
You've changed, Wilton.
Yeah, she's right, captain.
You're just not the same
boy we sent away to camp.
What do you mean?
Well, beggin' the
captain's pardon,
you're always kind to
Dobbs about his bugle.
I remember you once said to
Dobbs, and I'll never forget it,
"Dobbs, if the Confederate
Army had had you for a bugler,
we'd all be eating corn
pone and hominy grits."
PARMENTER: Dobbs, if the
Confederate Army had had you for a bugler,
we'd all be eating corn
pone and hominy grits.
I did say that.
That's right, Wilton.
And you were always nice
to Charlie the town drunk.
I remember you once said,
"We're all proud of you, Charlie,"
"you're the fastest
drunk in the West."
PARMENTER: We're all
very proud of you, Charlie,
you're the fastest
drunk in the West.
O'ROURKE: Yes, and
you were so understanding
when the gun crew sometimes
shot down the lookout tower.
"Anybody can make
a little mistake."
PARMENTER: Anybody
can make a little mistake.
And you didn't used to hold
me off with your riding crop.
[YELLING, GUNSHOTS]
I'm sorry about your
headache, Dobbs.
I hope it gets better.
And that goes for
your back too, Duffy.
And your farblungent
tum-tum too, Hoffenmueller.
Now, don't you worry,
you men. You just get well.
The four of us will
fight off those Indians.
All right now, men, out of
those bunks, grabs your rifles.
Let's go now! [ALL CHEERING]
Let's do it for the old man!
What old man?
Wilton.
Nothing to worry
about now, captain.
Your men will drive
off those Indians.
Yes, isn't it a good thing
they were fully dressed.
[♪♪♪]
[YELLING, GUNSHOTS]
[PLAYING OFF-KEY]
Gunners, man your cannon!
[GUNSHOTS]
[YELLING, GUNSHOTS]
All right. Come on
now, quit shoving.
We don't want these girls
to think we're pushovers.
Let's play hard to get!
All right, now stand back
and hang on to your receipts.
[ALL SHOUTING]
Is there a Corporal Agarn here?
Is there a Private Duffy here?
Is there a Private Dobbs here?
And I'm looking for a
Private Hoffenmueller.
W-well, all, uh...
All those men, ahem, have
been transferred to Fort Riley.
All right, take it away!
Heh, take it away!
Oh, really?
All right, all right, all right.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
[ALL CLAMORING]
[♪♪♪]
♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪
♪ When quite accidentally ♪
♪ A hero who sneezed
Abruptly seized ♪
♪ Retreat And
reversed it to victory ♪
♪ His Medal of Honor
Pleased and thrilled ♪
♪ His proud little
Family group ♪
♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪
♪ And so it was
planned He'd command ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
♪ Where Indian fights
Are colorful sights ♪
♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪
♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪
♪ Both turn chicken ♪
♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪
♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪
♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪
♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
[♪♪♪]
Wrangler.
Wrangler!
Hi, Wrangler.
Hi, Agarn.
What do you got there?
It's a letter for
Captain Parmenter.
I figured it might be important.
Yeah, it might at that.
Hey, you can't read that.
It's from Army headquarters.
What do you think I'm
wearing, a sailor suit?
[BUGLE PLAYING OFF-KEY]
PARMENTER: Come in.
I have a letter for
you, here, Wilton.
Oh, just a minute, Jane.
Go ahead, Dobbs,
let's hear it again.
[PLAYING OFF-KEY]
Oh, that was just beautiful,
Dobbs. Wasn't it, Janey?
Oh, yes, I always love
"My Old Kentucky Home."
But I was playing "Reveille."
No matter what you were
playing, Dobbs, we loved it.
You ain't just saying
that, are you captain?
Dobbs, if the Confederate
Army had had you for a bugler,
we'd all be eating corn
pone and hominy grits.
[CHUCKLES] Thank you, sir.
Here's the letter, Wilton.
Oh, thank you, Jane.
JANE: You know, Dobbs,
you really are soundin'
better with that bugle.
DOBBS: I owe it all
to the captain, Jane.
That man never
stopped believin' in me.
That's why I'm
doing everything I can
to lose weight in
my fat upper lip.
By gosh, it does look thinner.
Oh, I don't believe it.
JANE: What is it, Wilton?
I've been transferred
to Fort Riley.
Oh, no.
They can't take you
away from us, sir.
Oh, no, no. It's
just temporary duty.
They want me to go
to command school
and take a two-week
course in, uh,
"new techniques
in military strategy."
Wilton, two weeks
is a long time.
Fourteen days.
[♪♪♪]
Agarn. Daagh!
Shh!
[WHISPERS] Never sneak
up on me like that again, sarge.
You almost scared me to death.
What are you doin'?
Captain Parmenter
got an important letter
from Army headquarters, and
I'm trying find out what's in it.
Oh.
Oh, Corporal Agarn,
I'm glad you dropped in.
Sorry about that, captain.
My... My horse stop short.
With the captain's permission,
I'd like to go practice.
Very well, Dobbs.
Sergeant O'Rourke,
I'm glad you're here too.
I've just received a letter
from command headquarters
ordering me to report to
Fort Riley Command School.
You're being transferred, sir?
Oh, no. It's just for two weeks
to take a new course in a
new type of military strategy.
Oh.
Well, I'm certainly
glad of that, sir.
Fort Courage would never be
the same without the old man.
Hmm.
What old man?
Well, you, sir.
I mean, you are the old man.
Well, I wouldn't be surprised
if you came back from
that Army school a major.
Oh, now, Janey,
they certainly wouldn't
want to make me a major.
Would they?
If the captain will excuse
me, sir, I'll assemble the troops
so that you can make
your farewell address.
[♪♪♪]
Wilton.
Hmm. "Major Parmenter."
Hey, that does have a...
Have a certain ring to it.
Ooh, Wilton.
Heh-heh.
"Major Wilton Parmenter."
Well, there goes
O'Rourke Enterprises
with you nailed to the
fort for the next two weeks.
Are you kiddin'? This is
the best break we ever had.
How do you figure that, sarge?
With the captain away,
I can finally get started
on the best money-making deal
that O'Rourke
Enterprises ever had.
What's that?
Mail-order brides.
Mail-order brides?
Oh, sarge.
[PLAYING OFF-KEY]
All right, fall in,
on the double!
All right, moved
it, Hoffenmueller!
Jawohl, jawohl.
Hurry it up, if it
took you any longer,
your enlistments would be up!
Sorry about the
bugling, captain.
Oh, you did a very
nice job, Dobbs.
It didn't sound a bit like
"My Old Kentucky Home."
Well, thank you, sir.
AGARN: Attention!
O'ROURKE: All right,
now let's pull in those stomachs
and pull back those shoulders.
Look like somebody.
Let's not be to harsh
on them, sergeant.
We're gonna miss you, captain.
Now, men, the captain has
a few words he wants to say
to you men before he leaves.
Thank you, sergeant.
Men, four score and
seven weeks ago,
I was sent here to Fort Courage.
Now, I'm going to be away
from this post for a short time.
And I want you all to
give Sergeant O'Rourke
the same respect you give me.
I hope I don't get any reports
of horseplay and high jinks.
Now, remember... Remember now,
just because the cat's away,
the mice don't
have to act like rats.
[PARMENTER LAUGHING]
[ALL LAUGHING]
For a moment there,
I thought they'd lost
their sense of humor.
Well, it's very hard
to laugh, sir, when...
When you're all choked up.
Now, men, I take
my leave of you,
but while I will be training
with the high
command at Fort Riley,
my heart will be here.
All right, now let's hear it
for the captain! Hip-hip...
ALL: Hooray!
Hip-hip... Hooray!
Hip-hip-hooray! Hooray!
Dobbs.
Present! Ho!
[FUSE HISSING]
[HISSING STOPS]
Well, don't you worry, captain.
I'm gonna have that gun crew
target practicing every minute.
What do you wanna do,
sarge, blow up the fort?
He may be right, sergeant.
Now, captain, it's
about time this troop
was in a class with its command.
Oh, thank you.
Were gonna miss you, captain.
[DOORS SLAM OPEN]
Charlie, look. I know
you're the town drunk
but the saloon has only
been open for 10 minutes.
Charlie, you ought to
be ashamed of yourself!
Oh, nonsense, we're
all very proud of Charlie.
Why, we've got the
fastest drunk in the West.
There's you stage, captain.
Wilton, I've packed you
some goodies for your trip.
Oh, really, Jane?
You shouldn't have.
I packed you some fried
chicken, a lemon meringue pie,
and lookie here,
some oatmeal cookies.
Very good, Jane!
Agarn, you shouldn't eat
that. Those are for, Wilton.
I happen to be the
captain's food taster.
Well, uh, we don't
wanna be late, sir.
And I don't worry want
you to about a thing now.
Everything's gonna
be fine at the fort.
Are you gonna miss me, Wilton?
Well, of course, Jane.
Are you gonna miss
me too, captain?
Why, certainly, Agarn.
Who are you gonna miss
more? Janey or... me?
Bye, Wilton.
Just a handshake
will do, captain.
Well, have a good trip, sir.
There we go.
Oh!
It'll be a little
snack for the road.
Ah, farewell. Goodbye.
Goodbye, sir.
All right. Take it
away. Goodbye, Wilton
Bye, Wilton. Bye, Janey.
Goodbye, Wilton. Bye.
Bye, Wilton. Goodbye.
I'm gonna miss the old man.
Heh. Hey, what old man?
The captain, sarge.
Oh, yeah, that one.
Come on, Agarn. Let's go.
Where are you going?
While the cat's away,
the rats will play.
[♪♪♪]
Dobbs, you're
first. What'll it be?
Blond, brunette, redhead,
tall, short, fat, thin.
We aim to please.
Well, I like a gal
between 21 and 28.
Twenty-one, 28.
Blond, blue eyes. Uh-huh.
Real good personality
and a whale of a figure.
Yeah, fine. We're
all out of that model.
What are you
talkin' about, Agarn?
I bought the last
one. You're wrong.
I thought employees
get preference?
I'll have one for
you and one for him.
They'll probably be sisters.
Hey, corporal, that'll
make us brothers-in-law.
Say.
Say, Dobbs, you
know, you're right.
Why don't you
and the little lady
come over for dinner
one night? We'd love to.
7:30?
Just fine, bye. Bye.
All right Duffy, what'll it be?
I want the same thing
Dobbs ordered, sarge,
only I'd like it in red.
Ah, I think you
made a good choice.
She'll look good in red.
Give him a receipt there.
There we are.
Hoffenmueller.
[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
Sarge, he's orderin' a cow.
O'ROURKE: No, I think he wants
one of those big opera singers.
It's all right. We'll get what
you want, Hoffenmueller.
Ha? Fine. Danke shön.
Vanderbilt?
I want a girl named Shirley.
Don't you care
what she looks like?
They all looked alike
to me, right, Dobbs?
I'm Agarn.
See what I mean, sarge.
Yeah, that's how it goes.
Thank you very much.
There we are.
No, no, no, no.
Another satisfied costumer.
Yeah.
Sarge, how are you gonna
fill out all these orders?
Agarn, in the
matchmaking business,
you solve one problem at a time.
All right, let's
bring your money.
Ha-ha. Now, what will it be?
Sarge, you really think
four mail-order brides
are gonna get off
the stagecoach today?
Will you relax, Agarn?
We got the confirmation
wire almost two weeks ago.
Yeah, but can you trust
that man in Dodge City?
He's got the biggest mail-order
bride business in the territory.
He just happened to be
overstocked on blonds.
There it is. There it is.
[ALL SHOUTING]
Back, back!
Shirley?
Troop! Atten-hut!
Sergeant O'Rourke acting
commander, F Troop, sir.
At ease, men.
PARMENTER: Could you give
me a hand please, General Custer?
General Custer?
It's your sword, captain.
It's caught under the seat.
Oh, yes. Thank you, sir.
[♪♪♪]
Well, I'll take leave
of you now, captain.
My congratulations.
Thank you, sir.
I still find it hard to believe
that you've completed
the course in military
strategy in less than two weeks.
It never would have
been possible, sir,
if you hadn't been
an inspiration.
That credits belong
to you, Parmenter.
I hope to see you again.
Good luck on your new
assignment of Little Big Horn.
Thank you, captain.
Driver, you may go.
DRIVER: Come on, boy. Hyah!
Well, it's
certainly... Attention!
You speak when
spoken to, sergeant.
JANE: Wilton! Wilton.
This is military business, Jane.
But I only wanted to say howdy.
Later, Jane.
But I... Out!
Bye, Wilton.
Who are you and what have you
done with our Captain Parmenter?
Agarn, one more
remark like that,
and I'll have you shot
for insubordination.
Sergeant, march the
troops back to the fort
and order them to stand
inspection at 6:00 tomorrow.
In the morning, captain?
Assign that man to quarters.
But, sir, we had an
inspection last month.
Agarn, you're getting closer
and closer to that firing squad.
[DOORS SLAM OPEN]
Dobbs, run this man out of town.
But, captain, what are we
gonna do for a town drunk?
We're not going to have one.
And I'm ordering
the saloon closed too.
Come on, Charlie.
Oh, and, sergeant,
I want you to
assign a work detail
to begin construction
immediately
of an officer's club.
But, sir, you're the...
You're the only officer we have.
How 'bout that?
[♪♪♪]
[PLAYING OFF-KEY]
They're here! They're here!
Sarge, what about
those mail-order brides?
Relax, will you, Agarn?
The way it's goin' with
Ironpants, we ain't never...
You don't have to worry
about Captain Parmenter.
Don't worry? Last night
he ordered lights out,
and it wasn't even dark.
He's coming.
[♪♪♪]
Bugler, sound "Assembly."
[PLAYING OFF-KEY]
Sergeant.
Yes, sir.
Relieve this man of duty.
But, captain, I'm doin'...
And strip him of his bugle.
Corporal, call the
men to attention.
[YELLS]
Men, I would like to
say that I am delighted
to be back at Fort Courage.
That's what I would like to
say, but when I look at you,
the words stick in my throat.
You are the worst-looking
group of soldiers in the history
of the United States Army.
With the captain's permission...
You're out of uniform.
If you don't get a regulation
hat, I'm shipping you
to the Mexican border.
And you, Hoffenmueller.
Jawohl, mein capitan.
If you don't lose 20
pounds, I'm shipping you
back to Düsseldorf.
That goes for all of you.
Either shape up or ship out!
Sergeant, I would like
to see if the gun crew
can fire the cannon,
and if they knock
down the lookout tower,
I want them all thrown
in the guardhouse.
Yes, sir.
Gun crew, fall in.
[♪♪♪]
[FUSE HISSING]
Does the water tower count?
Until such time as F Troop
can pass one of my inspections,
every man is
confined to the fort.
Dismiss the troop.
Troop dismissed!
Duffy, get a repair
detail on that water tower!
Yes, sir.
Hoffenmueller,
Vanderbilt, Come with me.
Agarn, you come with me.
But where are we going, sarge?
We're gonna go have a
powwow with Wild Eagle.
But you heard
what Ironpants said,
we're confined to the fort.
Yeah, how 'bout that?
You have problem,
you come to right man.
Wise old Indian saying,
"You show me
squirrel with acorn,
and I show you happy moose."
Chief, why don't you wise up
and cut out those wise
old Indians sayings?
Yeah, now look, chief,
we need your help.
We want you to attack the fort.
Attack fort? Never!
You are friend, O'Rourke.
No, you don't understand.
We've got to teach this
Ironpants Parmenter a lesson.
Here.
Take like a peace pipe
and forget the whole thing.
No, no, this is a phony attack.
We just want you to ride around
the fort and hoop and holler.
We'll shoot over your
heads and chase you off.
All right, you
want Indian attack,
we give you Indian attack.
Cost you $20.
Twenty dollars?
That ain't no Indian attack,
that's highway robbery!
Then go to Apaches. They'd
be glad to attack for nothing.
They play too rough.
Fifteen dollars,
take it or leave it?
For $15 I could not even
get squaws to attack.
Seventeen fifty?
For that price I cannot
give you first-class attack.
All you get is six
braves on old horses.
No war paint, no
yelling and screaming.
What's an Indian attack
with no war whoops?
Would you whoop it up for 17.50?
He's got a point there.
All right, we'll
take the $20 attack,
but I want a lot braves,
a lot of war paint,
yelling, screaming.
Now, if you'd like
to go for $25 attack,
five redskins bite dust.
I'll stick with the $20 attack.
O'Rourke. What?
You pay in advance,
cash on drum head.
Wild Eagle, after all our
business deals together,
you don't trust me?
How 'bout that?
[♪♪♪]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Come in.
What is it, sergeant?
Well, I'm afraid I have
some bad news, sir.
Most of the troop had to
report for sick call this morning.
Sick call? Ooh.
Perhaps you better report
to sick call yourself, sir.
I'm perfectly all
right, sergeant.
Well, fine. Well, until
the men are ready
to report for duty, I'm
afraid we'll have to do
with the token guard, sir.
Token guard? Yes.
Do you realize we
could be attacked
by hostile Indians
at any moment?
Did you ever stop
to think of that?
Yeah, I rarely think
of anything else, sir.
[♪♪♪]
Two paces back, sergeant.
[WHISPERS] Here
comes Ol' Ironpants.
You ready, Wrangler?
You can bet a bucket
of buzzards, I am.
All right, you all
know what to do.
Let's hear some moaning.
[ALL MOANING]
You call that moaning?
Let's really hear it.
[ALL MOANING LOUDLY]
Remember, you're in pain.
Pain.
Malingerers!
We've got some mighty
sick boys here, captain.
[MOANING CONTINUES]
Jane, what are you doing here?
I'm taking care of
these mighty sick boys.
Yeah, they're
mighty sick, captain.
You don't even
know what's wrong.
They're suffering from a disease
called the "Parmentercholic."
You make 'em sick.
Sergeant, arrest this woman.
Well, I can't do that,
sir. She's a civilian.
Then draft her, then arrest her.
[YELLING, GUNSHOTS]
Captain, wait a minute.
Do you hear what I hear?
All I hear is moaning.
[YELLING, GUNSHOTS]
Indians.
Get out of those beds,
men, we're being attacked!
Dobbs.
Don't hit me, captain.
Get back to duty,
that's an order.
I can't, captain.
My head feels like it's been
kicked by a bull with a boil.
You, Duffy, get your rifle!
Oh, my back is killing me.
Hoffenmueller.
Captain, mein
magen ist vergrimmt.
Captain, there was a
time when these men
would have gotten
out of these sick beds
and gone to their
grave for the old man.
What old man?
You, sir. You were the old man.
The men used to call
you "the lovable old man"
behind your back.
And now they call you
"Ironpants" behind your pants.
They call me "Ironpants"
behind my pants?
You've changed, Wilton.
Yeah, she's right, captain.
You're just not the same
boy we sent away to camp.
What do you mean?
Well, beggin' the
captain's pardon,
you're always kind to
Dobbs about his bugle.
I remember you once said to
Dobbs, and I'll never forget it,
"Dobbs, if the Confederate
Army had had you for a bugler,
we'd all be eating corn
pone and hominy grits."
PARMENTER: Dobbs, if the
Confederate Army had had you for a bugler,
we'd all be eating corn
pone and hominy grits.
I did say that.
That's right, Wilton.
And you were always nice
to Charlie the town drunk.
I remember you once said,
"We're all proud of you, Charlie,"
"you're the fastest
drunk in the West."
PARMENTER: We're all
very proud of you, Charlie,
you're the fastest
drunk in the West.
O'ROURKE: Yes, and
you were so understanding
when the gun crew sometimes
shot down the lookout tower.
"Anybody can make
a little mistake."
PARMENTER: Anybody
can make a little mistake.
And you didn't used to hold
me off with your riding crop.
[YELLING, GUNSHOTS]
I'm sorry about your
headache, Dobbs.
I hope it gets better.
And that goes for
your back too, Duffy.
And your farblungent
tum-tum too, Hoffenmueller.
Now, don't you worry,
you men. You just get well.
The four of us will
fight off those Indians.
All right now, men, out of
those bunks, grabs your rifles.
Let's go now! [ALL CHEERING]
Let's do it for the old man!
What old man?
Wilton.
Nothing to worry
about now, captain.
Your men will drive
off those Indians.
Yes, isn't it a good thing
they were fully dressed.
[♪♪♪]
[YELLING, GUNSHOTS]
[PLAYING OFF-KEY]
Gunners, man your cannon!
[GUNSHOTS]
[YELLING, GUNSHOTS]
All right. Come on
now, quit shoving.
We don't want these girls
to think we're pushovers.
Let's play hard to get!
All right, now stand back
and hang on to your receipts.
[ALL SHOUTING]
Is there a Corporal Agarn here?
Is there a Private Duffy here?
Is there a Private Dobbs here?
And I'm looking for a
Private Hoffenmueller.
W-well, all, uh...
All those men, ahem, have
been transferred to Fort Riley.
All right, take it away!
Heh, take it away!
Oh, really?
All right, all right, all right.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
[ALL CLAMORING]
[♪♪♪]