F Troop (1965–1967): Season 1, Episode 6 - Dirge for the Scourge - full transcript

Jane is disgusted with the saloon and the riff-raff it attracts and insists that Parmenter close it down. Parmenter looks into it and decides she's right and embarks on a plan to clean up the town. Meanwhile gunfighter Sam Urp is in town and after several clumsy accidental meetings with Parmenter swears he will gun him down next time he sees him. O'Rourke and Agarn can't afford to lose Parmenter so they set out to save him.

[BUGLE PLAYS "CHARGE"]

♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪

♪ When quite accidentally ♪

♪ A hero who sneezed
Abruptly seized ♪

♪ Retreat And
reversed it to victory ♪

♪ His Medal of Honor
Pleased and thrilled ♪

♪ His proud little
Family group ♪

♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪

♪ And so it was
planned He'd command ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

♪ Where Indian fights
Are colorful sights ♪



♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪

♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪

♪ Both turn chicken ♪

♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪

♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪

♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪

♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪

♪ F Troop! ♪

[♪♪♪]

Hey, Wilton. Where you headed?

I was just headed
over to your store.

I'm fresh out of saddle soap.

Ain't that nice?

Is it all right if you
leave the fort now?



Oh, yes. This is
the rest period.

I... I don't have
to be back till 3:00.

What happens then?
The recreation period.

I'm very strict about
sticking to the schedule.

That's good.

Then we'll have time to
walk over to Courtin' Rock.

It's nice and peaceful
and quiet out there.

Oh, it's peaceful
and quiet right here.

That's why I like it here.

It's... It's not wild and noisy
like back home in Philadelphia.

Bartender! Beer!

Comin' right up.

What does O'Rourke mean,
I got sticky fingers? Uh...

I never stole a
cent in my life, boss.

Hey! Don't call me "boss."

We pay you 8 bucks a week.

How much could a man spend?

You saw my references.

Everybody ever fired
me said I was honest.

Beer!

Sloppy, but honest.

Oh, Pete. Now look
what you've done.

Butterfingers!

PETE: I'm sorry... Keep
your hands off of me.

Uh... Uh... The... Uh... The...
This one's on the house...

Wait a minute.

I'll give it to him.

I ought to blast
the both of you.

Oh... Oh, gee, I'm...
Gimme that cloth!

I'm sorry, mister. I'm sorry,

PETE: Sarge... he's in again.

Nappy time.

[GROANS]

Are you all right, Charlie?

Never felt better in my life.

They got an awful lot to
learn about running a saloon.

I'd like to see
them do that again.

They did.

[MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY]

Oh, he didn't look well.

He ought to go
home and lie down.

Fall down is more like it.

Gettin' so this town
ain't a fittin' place

to marry and raise children.

When are you gonna do
something about that saloon?

Now, now, Janey, it's
not a cavalry problem.

Well, it's a
territorial problem,

and you're the military
governor of this here town.

Well, that does it.

I'm swearing off.

Till this afternoon.

Well, when are you gonna
do something about it?

Janey... I'm going
in there right now.

Oh!

There's another one.

You'd better go someplace
and sleep this off, mister.

There. I'll get your hat.

Captain, what are
you doing here?

Well, I was going inside,
but I've seen enough.

I'm going back to the
fort and write an order

closing this saloon.

Sergeant... take
care of this drunk.

Sarge! He's gonna
close the saloon.

What'll we do?

What we always do:
I'll think of something.

Where is he?

Where's that
sawed-off little runt?

Ah, now, wait a minute.

Who are you to call our
captain a sawed-off little runt?

Who do you think
you are, anyway?

Urp!

The captain was right.
He's got a snootful.

Yeah. Urp. I'm Sam Urp.

The fastest gun in the West.

You tell that two-bit
captain to start totin' a gun,

'cause the next time we
meet, I'm gonna kill him.

Now, get out of my way
'fore somebody gets hurt.

Hey, Agarn, everything's
taken... care of...

Oh, shoot...

Here we go, little baby.

Huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, he's still in there.

Hey, Geronimo!

Sarge. Hey.

What a terrible night.

How can a man sleep,

laying in bed, worrying
about our saloon?

Yeah, what a team we are, Agarn.

If it wasn't for you
doing the worrying,

I'd never get anything done.

What'd you do?

I went to the saloon,
talked to Pete.

Everything's fixed.

What do you want me to do?

Do what you do best: just worry.

You bet I'm worried.

If he closes our saloon,
we're out of business.

The captain ain't
gonna close nothing.

Now, get into your duds.

Dobbs, I've given
it a lot of thought,

and I've got to
close that saloon.

You're absolutely
right, captain.

You no idea of the
wild goin's-on in there.

Why... Why, I
went in that saloon

one Saturday night, Uh, Dobbs...

And this dancing girl I
never even been introduced to

come up to me with a
deck of cards and says,

"How about a little
game, soldier?"

Dobbs... She took me for $8,

and I never did know before

that out West, the six of
clubs is the big casino...

Dobbs!

Something wrong, sir?

Yes.

Now, let's try it. [CHUCKLES]

I thought it was a
little crowded in there.

There we go. That's...

Uh...

Uh, you go ahead and
blow "Assembly," Dobbs.

I'll be right out.

"Assembly."

That goes, uh... [HUMMING
"YANKEE DOODLE"]

Yeah, I know that one.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

[BUGLE BLARES OFF-KEY]

That's enough.

Aw, shucks. I wanted to
hear the second chorus.

That's even purtier.

I'm sure it is.

AGARN: Ten-hut!

Oh.

Troop ready for inspection, sir.

Thank you, sergeant.

[EXHALES]

There, that's better.

Oh, hello, captain.

Hi.

Uh, I'm... sorry
about that, Duffy.

Don't worry,
captain. I'll fix it later.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Sergeant.

Uh, corporal, can't you
do something about that?

Duttleson!

You're in line,
but your belly ain't!

Now, pull it in!

Troop, at ease.

Now, I have a little
announcement to make.

Until further notice, the
saloon will be off-limits

to all personnel.

[ALL GROAN]

Quiet! Uh, sir?

That dive is our only source
of innocent amusement.

It's our home away from home.

Some home.

I passed by there yesterday

and almost got hit
by a flying drunk.

[SCREAMS]

All right, now, men.

If the captain
wants to close that...

uh... den of inequity,

he's doing it for your own good.

Captain, I think we ought
to get right over there

and close it, now.

Good thinking, sergeant.

Oh, captain, sir.

Dismissed.

Here, here, boys. Stop that.

Grab him. I... I said stop that.

Now, this here's
the military governor,

and he don't allow
no fighting around here

because this is war territory.

Sissy!

Captain... they've
changed the sign.

Whatever happened to the saloon?

"Tinkerbell's Ice Cream Parlor"?

They're just trying to pull
the wool over your eyes, sir.

Oh, that Pete, he's
a crafty one, sir.

Well, maybe he's really
trying to clean the place up.

Let's go inside and see.

Huh.

Well.

Yeah. Certainly
is a lot different.

Oh, it's very nice. Homey.

You know, I wouldn't be ashamed
to bring my mother in here.

That's the kind of business
we need: his mother.

Yeah.

A little sarsaparilla,
Captain Parmenter?

Yeah, don't mind if I do.

Yeah, make it three, Pete.

Easy on mine.
I'm trying to quit.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, if this don't
beat a busted tom-tom.

Well, hello, Janey.
May I buy you a drink?

Wilton.

Oh, it's all right, Wrangler.

This is vintage
stuff. Sarsaparilla.

1776 was a great
year for sarsaparilla.

Not now, thank you.

Wilton, did you forget
that we had a date?

A date? I...

Oh, my gun lesson.
I forgot all about it.

I... Say, I'm
learning real fast too.

Watch this. Either hand.

Ha-ha-ha-ha...

Good trick, captain.

Especially if the other
guy's fighting with beer mugs.

Sorry about that. H... Here...

It's all right, captain.
We'll take care of it.

Come on, Wilton. I can't stay
away from the store all day.

Uh... Excuse me, gentlemen. Mm.

Don't tell me he got
that way on sarsaparilla.

Sergeant, that
drunk's back again.

We'll take care of him, sir.

[SIGHS]

Did you ever think of coming
in through the window?

Fastest gun in the West, huh?

You can't even outdraw
a swinging door, ha.

Hey, Pete, get rid of this slop
and get us a couple of drinks.

One of these days,
I'm gonna catch him

away from them swinging doors.

You tin soldiers'll be
looking for a new captain.

Urp... Bless you.

I'm gonna give you
a piece of advice

that might save your life.

Don't tangle with
Wilton Parmenter.

Winner of the Civil War
and Scourge of the West.

Hogwash.

You tell that sawed-off
sliver of buzzard bait

there's room in the
West for just one Scourge,

and that's me!

If I was you, I'd
get out of this town.

That sawed-off
sliver of buzzard bait

was weaned on a shooting iron.

Oh, I'm... scared to death.

I'm going back to the fort.

I can't stand the
sight of blood.

Wait a minute.

What blood?

It could be mine.

Hey... You're not
going no place.

Now, listen, we gotta do
something and do it fast,

or Urp's gonna kill the captain.

But how are we
gonna stop him, sarge?

I got an idea.

We'll put his shooting
hand out of commission.

Great idea, sarge.
Take care of it.

Uh, wait a minute.
I need your help.

I can't do it alone. Do what?

Well, he's gotta
have an accident,

so he can't shoot nobody.

Now, if something was
to mash his hand, like...

Well, like that
potted plant, see?

Well, how is that
gonna fall on his hand?

He's way down there.

That's where you come in.

You move him down, get
his hand underneath that plant,

I cut the rope.

When we get
through with that guy,

his hand'll look like a
five-fingered pancake.

Now, go on, get to work.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, hello, Mr. Urp.

You still here?

Look, chum, it ain't
that crowded in here.

You're a... You're
a sport, Mr. Urp.

Say, did you ever hear the one

about the two girls
in Kansas City?

This is a lollapalooza.

What about the two
girls from Kansas City?

Well, come on down here
and I'll... tell you about it.

Well, there was these
two sisters, you see,

in Kansas City, you
see, and... Hey, Pete!

How about a couple of drinks

for me and my friend, Urp?

What about the two
sisters in Kansas City?

Well, now, there were these...

These two, uh, sisters...
Where you going?

Uh, I don't want Pete
to hear. He's too young.

Well, anyway, there
were these two girls, see,

and they both fell in love with
the same traveling salesman...

Here you are, gents.

Well, go ahead, soldier.
Now, these two girls

in love with the same
salesman, then what?

Well... take a drink
and it'll be funnier.

Oh, don't... Don't drink
with your left hand.

It's bad luck.

It is? Yeah.

[SCREAMS]

[LAUGHS]

Ah, never mind the
story. That's funnier.

[CONTINUES LAUGHING]

Agarn, what's the
matter with you?

Can't you do anything right?

Five-finger pancake...

Well, don't just stand there.
Bring me the maple syrup.

Ooh, oh, oh!

[URP GROANING]

Oh, you poor man.

Now, you've mashed your hand,

and you can't go
gunning for the captain.

[LAUGHS]

You think so, huh?

Well, I...

Hey...

[♪♪♪]

No, Wilton, no.

Watch me.

Oh.

Oh, more like this, huh?

Well, you're getting
better, Wilton.

That time you hit
the side of the barn.

Same time tomorrow?

Uh, that'll be fine, Janey.

Then I'll be getting
back to the store, now.

Bye-bye. Bye, Janey.

Oh, uh, captain, would
you sign this, please, sir?

Oh, hello, men. Don't
sir! It ain't that bad!

Oh, we'll take care
of the whole thing, sir.

Just... Just sign right here.

Oh, what is it?

I-it's an authorization
for F Troop

to run Sam Urp out of town, sir.

Oh... Sam Urp?

Mm. You know, sir.

That uncouth character
that hangs around the sal...

Uh, Tinkerbell's
Ice Cream Parlor.

Well, why do you want
to run him out of town?

Wouldn't it be better if we
just got him to stop drinking?

Uh, captain, you can't
let a drunken desperado

make a shambles
out of Fort Courage

and endanger the existence
of this entire community.

Here, ahem.

No, no, no. Gentlemen...
Gentlemen, please.

Now, it wouldn't be fair to turn
the whole troop loose on him.

Now, if he doesn't stop drinking

and he continues
to make trouble,

I'll just have to ask
him to leave town.

Yeah, but, captain...
No buts, sergeant.

As military governor, it's a
matter I'll handle personally.

Oh.

Poor Captain Parmenter.

And he had
everything to live for.

Yeah.

We'll never find
another pigeon like him

if we hatch one ourselves.

I got it, Agarn.

You stay here and guard Sam Urp.

By myself? That's right.

What about you?

I'm gonna have him kidnapped.

Kidnapped?!

Kidnapped?

Hekawi peaceful tribe.
Never kidnap nobody.

Now, wait a minute.

We got a good thing
goin' with this captain.

Do you wanna see him get killed?

More better than
Hekawi get killed.

Listen, do you remember
before the captain came here

how the officers were always
snooping around the still,

and counting blankets
and horses and supplies?

Well, we can't afford to lose
the best C.O. we ever had.

Let's face it. You Hekawis
have never had it so good.

Hekawi have ancient saying:

"Beaver cannot fly

when horn of young
buffalo point at full of moon."

Yeah?

Yeah, well, I got a better one:

"When great white
pigeon fall from sky,

no more wampum grow on tree."

You right.

Who you want we grab?

Yeah, now you're talking.

Agarn is over at the saloon,
keeping an eye on this Sam Urp.

Now, you send two of your best
braves over there, and get him.

What if he put up fight?

Overpower him.

Better send four braves.

Yeah, four.

What happened to
them braves, anyway?

Uh... It's 3:30.

It is? Yeah.

Sundial always slow.

O'ROURKE: Yeah,
well, it's about time.

He put up terrible
fight, but we get him.

All right. Take him off.
Tie him to the stake.

There we go. Now, get
that sack off of his head.

We'll give him one last
chance to skedaddle out of here.

[MUFFLED SCREAM]

Agarn!

All right.

Light the fire and
pass the marshmallows.

What did you bring him for?

You said, Agarn guard
Urp, bring him here.

We bring.

He meant bring Urp.

Oh.

Good thing we not try.

Have tough enough
time bring in Agarn.

Sarge, either untie me, or
put an apple in my mouth!

Untie the man. H...

Hoppin' horned toads,
Urp's loose in town,

and it's time for the
captain to start his patrol.

Get... Get, now, boys. I
told you to stop that, now.

Now... Now, run
along. Run along.

Well, Mr. Urp. Glad to
see you've sobered up.

Where are you goin'?

I'm on patrol.

You... What's the
matter with your arms?

A touch of rheumatism?

Don't try that
trick stuff on me.

What kind of a shootout is this?

Shootout?

Who's having a shootout?

We are!

We're gonna settle
once and for all

who's the Scourge of the West.

Oh, well, I coulda
told you that. I am.

Ask any Indian.

I don't have to ask anybody.
My guns do my talking for me.

Now, are ya gonna
fight, or ain't ya?

Oh, no... No, I
couldn't do that.

You see, I... I have a rule
about fighting in the street.

Didn't you hear me
tell those two little boys?

Soldier, either you fight, or
you'll be known as a coward

from one end of the
West to the other.

A lily-livered,
chicken-hearted coward.

I will? And a disgrace
to your uniform.

Well, then, I guess
I'll just have to fight.

Now, uh, you go down
to the blacksmith shop,

and we'll start all over.

Wilton, don't do it.

Please don't fight him.

I've got to, Janey.

It's for the honor
of the cavalry.

I have to do my duty
as a good captain.

But don't you even want
to live to be a good major?

URP: Come on, Parmenter.
Let's get her over with.

Excuse me, Janey.

A man must do what he must do.

Oh, Wilton, he's
a dead shot, and...

And this morning you
didn't even hit a thing.

Well, now,
that's... That's true,

but he's a lot
bigger than a bottle.

Oh, Wilton!

I'm...

URP: All right, Parmenter.

Reach for your gun.

Oh, do I go first?

Oh, thank you.

[GUNSHOTS]

[GUNSHOT]

All right, drop the gun, Urp.

Agarn, did you ever see
shooting like that in your life?

You ought to be
glad you're still alive.

Yeah, he coulda cut you to
ribbons anytime he wanted to.

Look at him. The
one and only Scourge.

Look, sarge.

He's figurin' out the next shot.

Yeah. Come on, Agarn.

Listen, if you know
what's good for you,

you're gonna stay
out of this town.

All right, give us a
hand, here, fellas.

URP: Hey, you... You
ain't heard the last of me.

All right, drop that
thing off and run.

URP: Hey, hey!
Hey, let me out! Hey!

Hey, let's hear it, now.

AGARN: All right, captain!

Did you see that? Did you?

Ha, ha, ha... Ow!

The winner!

Uh, th... Thank you, thank you.

Hey, things are sure quiet
around town since Mr. Urp left.

Yeah, he suddenly remembered
he had a big deal in Tombstone.

Or a tombstone in Big Deal.

[ALL CHUCKLE]

That's very humorous, corporal.

Hey! Now, look at that.

They're at it again.

Here now, what are you two
boys fighting about this time?

I say the captain's the
best shot in the West,

and he says he ain't.

Show him, captain.

Well, if it'll keep you
two boys from fighting.

Now, you see that
bottle over there?

Watch this.

See? I told you.

Here, now, captain,

don't you think we ought to
get on over to the Tinkerbell?

Right, sergeant. And this
time, the sarsaparilla's on me.

Sarsaparilla.

[ALL LAUGH]

[♪♪♪]