F Troop (1965–1967): Season 1, Episode 24 - Play, Gypsy, Play - full transcript
A group of visiting Gypsies crown Agarn their long lost prince.
[BUGLE PLAYS "CHARGE"]
♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪
♪ When quite accidentally ♪
♪ A hero who sneezed
Abruptly seized ♪
♪ Retreat And
reversed it to victory ♪
♪ His Medal of Honor
Pleased and thrilled ♪
♪ His proud little
Family group ♪
♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪
♪ And so it was
planned He'd command ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
♪ Where Indian fights
Are colorful sights ♪
♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪
♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪
♪ Both turn chicken ♪
♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪
♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪
♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪
♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
[♪♪♪]
Troops, dismissed.
Oh, hi, Jane. Hi.
I got a telegram here
for you from Washington.
Oh, thank you.
What does it say, Wilton?
Hm. A wagon train out of Dodge
reports that one of
their wagons is missing.
[GASPS]
That could be serious.
Got lost in Indian country.
You're right.
Sergeant O'Rourke,
take a four-man detail,
and go see if you
can locate that wagon.
Right, sir. Corporal Agarn,
you'll have to take
over O'Rourke's duties.
Right, sir.
Wilton, you wanna go on a picnic
in the Dale Valley,
near Kissing Rock?
Kissing Rock? I thought
they called that Eagle Rock.
Mm, eagles can
do what they want,
and we'll do what we want.
Jane, I've told you,
not in front of the men.
All right, Agarn.
Now, while I'm away,
you got a lot of work to do.
You're right. I'll be
goldbricking for two.
No, I'm talking about
O'Rourke Enterprises.
You're in charge.
Now, the first thing,
you gotta collect the money
at the saloon every night.
Make sure that those
Hekawis keep the still going,
and see to it that they come up
with some new souvenir items.
Don't worry, sarge, I'll
take care of everything.
All right, now, in line
with O'Rourke Enterprises'
new employee
profit-sharing program,
all the money you collect while
I'm gone is yours as a bonus.
Ah, sarge, you're too kind.
I don't deserve such happi...
Don't go to pieces. Just
remember, you're the boss.
Now, what's the first
thing you're gonna do?
Cut out the employee
profit-sharing program.
My people,
I would like to tell you
how proud I am of tribe.
As your chief, I
give you good report.
We have big pile buffalo
skins, big pile deer meat,
big pile of corn...
And you biggest
pile of corn we got.
Oh, Chief Wild Eagle.
Still practicing
to be chief, eh?
Ho.
All right, all right, fellas,
what's everybody
standing around for?
Look alive. Keep
busy, busy, busy.
Work, work, work.
You practicing to be chief too?
I am chief.
Where's Sergeant O'Rourke?
He's out on an assignment,
and he turned the
business over to me.
You see, Wild Eagle?
Sergeant O'Rourke smart.
Him preparing Agarn
to take over for him.
Indians don't have
on-the-job training for chiefs.
Good thinking, chief.
Soon you go to last
big rain dance in sky.
If I do rain dance in sky,
you better learn how to swim.
Fellas, hold it, hold it.
We've got some
business to talk over.
Now, have you come up with
any new ideas for souvenirs?
How 'bout warpaint
sets? Come in three sizes.
One for attacking wagon
train, one for attacking fort
and giant economy size
for attacking Washington.
[WOMEN CHANTING]
Wait a minute, chief.
The hills are alive
with the sound of music.
I hear it too.
Must be neighbor
tribe of Towatsees.
Always dancing.
♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la
La, la-la, la, la-la ♪
♪ La-la-la-la La-la-la ♪
♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la
La, la-la, la, la-la ♪
Them crazy-looking Indians.
They're not Indians.
They're gypsies.
What's a gypsy?
An out-of-work
Hungarian with a violin.
[HUNGARIAN ACCENT]
Hello, soldier, darling.
Hi there, gypsies.
I'm Corporal Agarn.
And I'm Marika.
And these are my
sisters, Sonya and Tanya.
No, I am Tanya.
And I am Sonya.
Whatever they say.
Well, very glad to
meet you, ladies.
I never saw a gypsy
with blond hair before.
But I come from
the north of Hungary.
Oh, is there anything
I can do for you?
We got separated
from our wagon train,
and we are looking
for Fort Courage.
Then this must
be the lost wagon.
I'm going back to Fort Courage,
and I'd be happy to lead you.
That's nice, soldier, darling.
Are they friendly, darling?
Oh, sure.
Let me introduce Chief
Wild Eagle and Crazy Cat.
This is Marika
and her two sisters,
Sonya and Tanya.
Nice to meet
you, chief, darling.
You want to have your palm read?
It already is.
Chief.
[GIGGLES NERVOUSLY]
She reads palms.
She looks in your hand and
tells your past, present and future.
Oh, you can?
MARIKA: Of course, I can.
[♪♪♪]
Interesting.
Very interesting.
You're a brave warrior.
You're a very wise chief.
And your people love you.
You better look on other hand.
Why don't you go look
for buffalo stampede.
Keep reading.
Good fortune will follow
you wherever you go.
And you are going to
live to be an old man.
Chief is old man now.
One dollar, please.
Be my guest, chief.
Uh, thank you, Agarn.
Thank you, Miss Gypsy.
You got long wait before I
do that rain dance in the sky.
That not what medicine
man tell me yesterday.
You read a nice,
little palm, Marika.
Thank you.
I've got a business
proposition for you.
Yes?
I'm the branch manager
for O'Rourke Enterprises,
and I can set
you up on the fort.
You can?
That's right.
You can tell fortunes,
give dancing lessons,
mandolin lessons.
Even have a gypsy chuck
wagon. Goulash to take out.
We're gypsies.
We don't know
anything about business.
What's the split?
Fifty-fifty.
You've got yourself a deal.
Interesting. Very interesting.
What do you see?
What do you see?
You have a great
financial future.
You're going to make much money.
It's all mine.
Do you hear? All mine!
Marika, it's not like you
to split with anybody.
You don't even spilt with us.
[CHUCKLES]
Think a minute, sisters.
Would you really
want to be my partner?
[ALL LAUGH]
[GYPSIES SINGING]
Is that music I'm hearing, sir?
Yes, Duffy, there
certainly is music in the air.
Or maybe it's patrol
from Fort Logan, sir.
Well, if it is, their bugler's
playing the mandolin.
♪ La-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la ♪
I'll be darned. Gypsies.
Look at those beautiful girls.
I'll take the one
with the mandolin.
I can see she's a music lover.
Uh, at ease. At ease, men.
This has to be handled
in a strictly military fashion.
GYPSIES: Hey!
[CHEERING]
As you were, as you
were, men. As you were.
Corporal Agarn
reporting, darling.
Uh, captain.
At ease, corporal.
Ladies, I'd like to present
Captain Wilton Parmenter,
commanding officer of our post.
Captain, I'd like
you to meet Marika.
Hello, captain.
How do you do?
And her two sisters,
Tanya and Sonya.
I am Tanya.
And I am Sonya.
I'm happy to meet you, ladies.
This is the lost wagon, captain.
Oh, well, I'm happy to see
you're all safe and sound.
Now, there'll be a wagon train
coming through here
at the end of the week.
And in the meantime, if
there's anything we can do
for you ladies while you're
in town, don't hesitate to ask.
With the captain's
permission, I'd like to suggest
that these ladies be
given protection of the...
Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am.
Be given the protection
of the fort until that time.
Oh, you mean, have
them camp here in the fort?
Oh, sir, they've been
through a terrible experience.
Dodging Indians for three days.
Well, I-I can appreciate
that, corporal,
but I don't think
that's possible.
Have you ever had an
arrow in your tambourine?
It's not my instrument.
But the kid the next door
once put his thumb
through my harmonica.
Believe me, sir, these
ladies are terrified.
Yes, terrified.
Well, it... It is only
for a few days.
And we are supposed
to protect civilians.
I knew you understand. I
knew it, captain, darling.
It'll be good for morale, sir.
[BUGLE PLAYS "CHARGE"]
Excuse me, ladies.
I gotta go too. It's pay call.
Sisters, they're
playing our song.
[ALL LAUGH]
[♪♪♪]
Corporal Agarn.
AGARN: Yes, sir.
Captain.
Where is everybody?
Where's who, sir?
The troop.
Oh, the troop.
Yes, I don't see Duddleson
in the lookout tower.
There are no guards on the gate.
Are they all in town?
Oh, no, sir.
I gave strict orders that
nobody leave the fort.
Well, then I suggest you get
them all out of the barracks
and back to duty
immediately. Yes, sir.
Troopers, ho!
AGARN: On the double.
On the double!
All right, you men,
everybody back to duty.
Duddleson, back up
into the lookout tower.
[SNORING]
AGARN: Duddleson, wake up.
Hogan, lead him
back to the tower.
Now, the rest of you men
start cleaning tack and
tidying up the corrals.
Dismissed.
Here, corporal.
I don't think it's working
out with the gypsies.
They're upsetting the
whole routine of the fort.
Ah, but, sir, the men were just
taking a fortune-telling break.
Well, what about
Dobbs? Dobbs, sir?
Yeah, this morning he
played reveille on a mandolin.
Don't be too harsh
on the boy, sir.
He just got carried
away with the gypsy spirit.
Well, then, there's chow call.
What about chow call, sir?
Well, as soon as it's announced,
the whole troop rushes
to the gypsy wagon.
It's healthy to have
a change in diet, sir.
We're fighting scurvy, you know.
With goulash?
Have you ever heard
of a gypsy with scurvy?
Oh, corporal, we're just
going to have to order
the gypsies off the post.
Oh, but, captain,
you can't do that.
Do you realize that if
the inspector general
had arrived yesterday, he
would have seen one of my men
guarding the fort
wearing earrings.
That was Hoffenmueller, sir.
It just happens he
has pierced ears.
They have to go, and that's all
there is too it.
I will not have my men dancing
around a campfire all night,
singing, "My Little
Gypsy Sweetheart."
But captain... Corporal,
I'm ordering you
to get rid of the gypsies.
[WHINES] Corporal.
Oh, uh, corporal.
Sir.
Before you tell Marika
they have to leave,
would you do me
a favor? Yes, sir.
Ask her how soon I can
expect that promotion
she saw in my palm.
Sir.
[HUMS GYPSY TUNE]
Who is it?
Marika, it's me, Agarn.
Come in, darling.
Hi, girls.
Hi.
I'm afraid I got some
bad news for you.
MARIKA: What's the bad news?
Captain says you gotta leave.
Oh, but couldn't
you talk him out of it?
No chance. Everything
would have been all right
if we'd just hadn't sold
those earrings to the men.
It was your idea, Agarn.
I know, I know.
I thought they were gonna
send them home to their girls.
Well, goodbye, soldier,
darling. Thank you for everything.
Hold it, hold it.
We've got a little
settling up to do.
I tell you what we do.
I am going to give you
a free palm reading,
and we call it quits.
Oh, no.
I've got it all
written down here.
Let's see,
"twenty-seven fortunes,
"18 pierced earrings,
16 plates goulash to go,
10 dancing lessons,
five mandolin picks."
I figure you owe me $22.
You have a very good
business head, soldier.
Well, here is your money.
[♪♪♪]
[COUNTING IN HUNGARIAN]
[CLEARS THROAT]
Well, you were right.
You said I had a
great financial future.
Ah, goodbye, soldier. I
hope to see you again.
Likewise, Marika.
What's the matter?
That mark on your hand.
Do you know what that means?
I've got six months
to live, right?
I knew it, I knew it.
I've had these terrible pains.
That's a sign of the
long lost gypsy prince.
Prince Igor.
Gypsy prince?
Tanya, Sonya, look.
[BOTH GASP]
On your knees, before royalty.
I can't believe it.
I should have known.
Agarn. Igor.
They must have changed the name
when they came to America.
Come to think of it,
my grandmother had
a tearoom in Passaic.
Do you realize with
King Laszlo dead,
now you, Prince Igor, you
are the king of all the gypsies?
Imagine, all these years
trying to make sergeant,
and now I make king.
Come away with
us, Your Highness.
Your people need you.
I can't leave the Army
until my enlistment's up.
Of course. Of
course, you are right.
You're much better
off in the Army.
What kind of a life would
you have as a gypsy king?
Traveling all around the
world, singing and dancing
and being gay, and being
married to a beautiful gypsy girl.
Married to a
beautiful gypsy girl?
On your birthday,
you get your weight in gold.
My weight in gold?
How much do you weigh?
A hundred and fifty-five.
But I've been up to 200.
I love fat kings.
You do?
Come away with
us, Your Highness.
You'll never regret it.
You want to resign
from the Army, Agarn?
Yes, sir.
See that mark on my hand?
Yeah, it looks like a wart.
No, sir.
It's the mark of gypsy royalty.
Gypsy royalty?
I'm Prince Igor,
king of the gypsies.
Corporal, you know we
don't allow drinking on duty.
You don't understand, sir.
Marika has been searching
for the long lost Prince Igor
ever since King Laszlo died.
King Laszlo?
I wouldn't expect you to be
up on your gypsy royalty, sir.
Uh, look, corporal... Prince.
Prince, you can't
just leave the Army.
But my people need me.
Oh, I-I-I must say, this is
highly irregular, corporal.
Prince.
Uh, prince, prince...
Why are you eating
all those bananas?
Next month is my birthday,
and my people are paying
me my weight in gold.
Oh, I'm... I'm afraid I'm
going to have to consult
territory headquarters on this.
Captain, if you don't give
me my release from the Army,
I'm afraid things will go
hard with you in Washington.
What do you mean?
This could mean
war with Hungary.
Oh, well, I... All right,
corporal... Uh, prince,
I, uh... I'll tell
you what I'll do.
I'll give you a
two-week furlough
until I can straighten this
all out with headquarters.
Is that fair enough?
Fair enough.
I bet you'd never been
saluted by a prince before.
Wilton, here's the
wire from Fort Dodge.
Agarn, I think you
better here this.
Excuse me, Janey. I'm
not in the Army anymore.
What's he talking about, Wilton?
Oh, never mind,
Jane. I'll explain later.
What's the news?
Well, it's about
that gypsy wagon.
They didn't get lost.
They ran away from the
train after fleecing soldiers
at three posts.
Well, this explains Igor.
Who's Igor?
Agarn.
Agarn is Igor?
No, Igor is Agarn.
Wilton, have you been drinking?
Yeah... No, no.
J-Jane, those... Those
gypsies have convinced Agarn
that he's their long lost king.
Agarn, a king? He can't
even make sergeant.
It all fits in
now. It all fits in.
They arrived here on payday,
and they're going to
fleece that poor prince
of every cent he has.
Well, why don't you
go show him this wire.
That ought to bring
Agarn or Igor to his senses.
No, no. He'd never believe
it, Jane. He's too far gone.
Well, what are you
gonna do about it?
I don't know, I don't know.
I, uh, I'll have to
think of something.
You better think
of something fast,
or they're fleece him
of every cent he has.
Yes, I know.
That's it, that's it.
Well, what's it?
If we fleece him first,
they'll throw him
out on his royal ear.
♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
♪ La, la-la, la, la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
Hey!
Hold it. Hold it.
We're going to
camp here for tonight.
I still think you shouldn't
have sold the horse.
When you can get $6 for an
old mare with only one good leg,
you grab it.
But I don't think a king
should be pulling a wagon.
King Laszlo pulled our wagon,
and he never complained.
Yeah, well, if he
had complained,
he'd be alive today.
All right, Your Highness,
start chopping the wood.
If this keeps up, I'll be skin
and bones on my birthday.
Here, eat another banana.
Marika, don't you think
you're overdoing it?
He might get mad and
go back to the Army.
Sisters, all I want
is to tire him out,
so he'll sleep like a baby.
Then we'll steal his money
and throw him out
on his royal ears.
[ALL LAUGH]
[GALLOPING]
That sounds like horses.
Marika, who could it be?
What do you think I
am, a mind reader?
Captain Parmenter,
what are you doing here?
We've come to give you
an escort, Your Highness.
Just until you get
out of Indian territory.
It's... It's sort of
a farewell gesture
to a wonderful comrade-in-arms.
Well, that certainly is a nice
thing for you fellows to do.
Well, you never know when
the Apaches might launch
another attack
on the tambourine.
All right, men. Set up camp.
Duffy, you take
care of the horses.
DUFFY: Yes, sir.
Dobbs, you get
some wood for a fire
and break out the blanket rolls.
I think something is
rotten in Budapest.
Oh, I certainly have
missed you, Agarn.
I've only been gone an hour.
Ah, yes, yes. I-I forgot.
Yeah. Yes, sir, you... You
certainly look wonderful
in your gypsy outfit, prince.
Or should I call you king?
No, no, it's prince
until the coronation.
[CHUCKLES]
Yes, sir, that... That
certainly is quite an outfit.
Never had a fit
like this in the Army.
Hey, captain? No.
Prince Igor, can I see you
in the wagon for a moment?
Oh. Excuse me, captain.
Uh, wait, wait, stop.
See, why don't you do
one of those gypsy dances
for your buddies.
I don't know how.
Oh, I'm sure it'll come to you
with all that Hungarian blood.
MARIKA: Never mind
the dancing, prince.
Just come inside.
Excuse me, captain.
I wouldn't take that
if I were a prince.
You're right.
I'm gonna do a
dance for my buddies.
Would you, captain?
All right, girls, let's
have a little music.
Hit it, Tanya.
And a one, and a two.
[MANDOLIN AND
TAMBOURINE MUSIC PLAYING]
Hey!
You certainly have a
natural gypsy rhythm.
It's all in the blood.
Say, that looks like fun.
Do you mind if I try it?
Oh, sure, captain.
Just pick up the beat.
All right, Tanya.
And a one, and a two.
[MUSIC RESUMES]
Can I lead? Yes.
Hey!
PARMENTER [CHUCKLING]: Hey.
Oh, I'm... I'm sorry, prince.
My... My hand got
caught in your sash.
That's all right, captain.
You must be more careful
with your money, prince.
Come on. Put it in the wagon.
Yeah, you wouldn't wanna
lose a wad like that, Agarn...
I mean, prince.
This is nothing.
Next month they're giving
me my weight in gold.
Uh, say, as long as
you're so rich, prince,
y-you know what
would be a nice gesture?
What?
Why don't you buy a piano
for the enlisted men's club.
We could put a plaque on it
that says: "Prince Igor slept here."
Great idea.
AGARN: Keep the money.
Just promise me one thing:
the fist tune
played on the piano
will be "My Little
Gypsy Sweetheart."
I promise, prince.
Nah.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I gotta get my sash wound up.
That was quick
thinking, captain.
Heh, thank you, Dobbs.
Should we get ready
to leave now, sir?
Uh, no, Duffy.
No, he'll need a
ride back to the fort.
[♪♪♪]
You are no gypsy prince.
Oh, yeah? What about
that mark on my hand?
[LAUGHS]
That's a wart, darling.
A wa-wa-wa-wa... A wart?
Oh, here, now,
don't feel bad, prince.
Corporal.
Oh, any man who donates a
piano to the enlisted men's club
is a prince.
[YELLING IN HUNGARIAN]
[♪♪♪]
Hey, Corporal Agarn.
Yes, sir.
I'm leaving you in
charge of the fort.
If any emergency should arise,
I'll be at Eagle Rock, kissing.
Uh... Uh, Kissing Rock, eagling.
Uh, well, you
know where I'll be.
Yes, sir.
Sergeant O'Rourke
reporting, sir.
I looked for four days
and never saw a
sign of that lost wagon.
Corporal Agarn found it.
Come on, Wilton.
We don't wanna keep
those eagles waiting.
Sarge, you'll
never believe this.
I started out with... Hey,
hold it. Hold it, partner.
I didn't find that lost wagon,
but I got a new
line of souvenirs
that'll make us millionaires.
Look at this. Genuine
gypsies scarves.
A tambourine. Sarge.
Or we got... Sarge.
We got earrings and bracelets,
a crystal ball. Sarge.
Look at this. Gypsies, ho!
[ALL CHEER]
[MANDOLIN AND
TAMBOURINE MUSIC PLAYING]
I think you're a
little late, darling.
[♪♪♪]
♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪
♪ When quite accidentally ♪
♪ A hero who sneezed
Abruptly seized ♪
♪ Retreat And
reversed it to victory ♪
♪ His Medal of Honor
Pleased and thrilled ♪
♪ His proud little
Family group ♪
♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪
♪ And so it was
planned He'd command ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
♪ Where Indian fights
Are colorful sights ♪
♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪
♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪
♪ Both turn chicken ♪
♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪
♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪
♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪
♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
[♪♪♪]
Troops, dismissed.
Oh, hi, Jane. Hi.
I got a telegram here
for you from Washington.
Oh, thank you.
What does it say, Wilton?
Hm. A wagon train out of Dodge
reports that one of
their wagons is missing.
[GASPS]
That could be serious.
Got lost in Indian country.
You're right.
Sergeant O'Rourke,
take a four-man detail,
and go see if you
can locate that wagon.
Right, sir. Corporal Agarn,
you'll have to take
over O'Rourke's duties.
Right, sir.
Wilton, you wanna go on a picnic
in the Dale Valley,
near Kissing Rock?
Kissing Rock? I thought
they called that Eagle Rock.
Mm, eagles can
do what they want,
and we'll do what we want.
Jane, I've told you,
not in front of the men.
All right, Agarn.
Now, while I'm away,
you got a lot of work to do.
You're right. I'll be
goldbricking for two.
No, I'm talking about
O'Rourke Enterprises.
You're in charge.
Now, the first thing,
you gotta collect the money
at the saloon every night.
Make sure that those
Hekawis keep the still going,
and see to it that they come up
with some new souvenir items.
Don't worry, sarge, I'll
take care of everything.
All right, now, in line
with O'Rourke Enterprises'
new employee
profit-sharing program,
all the money you collect while
I'm gone is yours as a bonus.
Ah, sarge, you're too kind.
I don't deserve such happi...
Don't go to pieces. Just
remember, you're the boss.
Now, what's the first
thing you're gonna do?
Cut out the employee
profit-sharing program.
My people,
I would like to tell you
how proud I am of tribe.
As your chief, I
give you good report.
We have big pile buffalo
skins, big pile deer meat,
big pile of corn...
And you biggest
pile of corn we got.
Oh, Chief Wild Eagle.
Still practicing
to be chief, eh?
Ho.
All right, all right, fellas,
what's everybody
standing around for?
Look alive. Keep
busy, busy, busy.
Work, work, work.
You practicing to be chief too?
I am chief.
Where's Sergeant O'Rourke?
He's out on an assignment,
and he turned the
business over to me.
You see, Wild Eagle?
Sergeant O'Rourke smart.
Him preparing Agarn
to take over for him.
Indians don't have
on-the-job training for chiefs.
Good thinking, chief.
Soon you go to last
big rain dance in sky.
If I do rain dance in sky,
you better learn how to swim.
Fellas, hold it, hold it.
We've got some
business to talk over.
Now, have you come up with
any new ideas for souvenirs?
How 'bout warpaint
sets? Come in three sizes.
One for attacking wagon
train, one for attacking fort
and giant economy size
for attacking Washington.
[WOMEN CHANTING]
Wait a minute, chief.
The hills are alive
with the sound of music.
I hear it too.
Must be neighbor
tribe of Towatsees.
Always dancing.
♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la
La, la-la, la, la-la ♪
♪ La-la-la-la La-la-la ♪
♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la
La, la-la, la, la-la ♪
Them crazy-looking Indians.
They're not Indians.
They're gypsies.
What's a gypsy?
An out-of-work
Hungarian with a violin.
[HUNGARIAN ACCENT]
Hello, soldier, darling.
Hi there, gypsies.
I'm Corporal Agarn.
And I'm Marika.
And these are my
sisters, Sonya and Tanya.
No, I am Tanya.
And I am Sonya.
Whatever they say.
Well, very glad to
meet you, ladies.
I never saw a gypsy
with blond hair before.
But I come from
the north of Hungary.
Oh, is there anything
I can do for you?
We got separated
from our wagon train,
and we are looking
for Fort Courage.
Then this must
be the lost wagon.
I'm going back to Fort Courage,
and I'd be happy to lead you.
That's nice, soldier, darling.
Are they friendly, darling?
Oh, sure.
Let me introduce Chief
Wild Eagle and Crazy Cat.
This is Marika
and her two sisters,
Sonya and Tanya.
Nice to meet
you, chief, darling.
You want to have your palm read?
It already is.
Chief.
[GIGGLES NERVOUSLY]
She reads palms.
She looks in your hand and
tells your past, present and future.
Oh, you can?
MARIKA: Of course, I can.
[♪♪♪]
Interesting.
Very interesting.
You're a brave warrior.
You're a very wise chief.
And your people love you.
You better look on other hand.
Why don't you go look
for buffalo stampede.
Keep reading.
Good fortune will follow
you wherever you go.
And you are going to
live to be an old man.
Chief is old man now.
One dollar, please.
Be my guest, chief.
Uh, thank you, Agarn.
Thank you, Miss Gypsy.
You got long wait before I
do that rain dance in the sky.
That not what medicine
man tell me yesterday.
You read a nice,
little palm, Marika.
Thank you.
I've got a business
proposition for you.
Yes?
I'm the branch manager
for O'Rourke Enterprises,
and I can set
you up on the fort.
You can?
That's right.
You can tell fortunes,
give dancing lessons,
mandolin lessons.
Even have a gypsy chuck
wagon. Goulash to take out.
We're gypsies.
We don't know
anything about business.
What's the split?
Fifty-fifty.
You've got yourself a deal.
Interesting. Very interesting.
What do you see?
What do you see?
You have a great
financial future.
You're going to make much money.
It's all mine.
Do you hear? All mine!
Marika, it's not like you
to split with anybody.
You don't even spilt with us.
[CHUCKLES]
Think a minute, sisters.
Would you really
want to be my partner?
[ALL LAUGH]
[GYPSIES SINGING]
Is that music I'm hearing, sir?
Yes, Duffy, there
certainly is music in the air.
Or maybe it's patrol
from Fort Logan, sir.
Well, if it is, their bugler's
playing the mandolin.
♪ La-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la ♪
I'll be darned. Gypsies.
Look at those beautiful girls.
I'll take the one
with the mandolin.
I can see she's a music lover.
Uh, at ease. At ease, men.
This has to be handled
in a strictly military fashion.
GYPSIES: Hey!
[CHEERING]
As you were, as you
were, men. As you were.
Corporal Agarn
reporting, darling.
Uh, captain.
At ease, corporal.
Ladies, I'd like to present
Captain Wilton Parmenter,
commanding officer of our post.
Captain, I'd like
you to meet Marika.
Hello, captain.
How do you do?
And her two sisters,
Tanya and Sonya.
I am Tanya.
And I am Sonya.
I'm happy to meet you, ladies.
This is the lost wagon, captain.
Oh, well, I'm happy to see
you're all safe and sound.
Now, there'll be a wagon train
coming through here
at the end of the week.
And in the meantime, if
there's anything we can do
for you ladies while you're
in town, don't hesitate to ask.
With the captain's
permission, I'd like to suggest
that these ladies be
given protection of the...
Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am.
Be given the protection
of the fort until that time.
Oh, you mean, have
them camp here in the fort?
Oh, sir, they've been
through a terrible experience.
Dodging Indians for three days.
Well, I-I can appreciate
that, corporal,
but I don't think
that's possible.
Have you ever had an
arrow in your tambourine?
It's not my instrument.
But the kid the next door
once put his thumb
through my harmonica.
Believe me, sir, these
ladies are terrified.
Yes, terrified.
Well, it... It is only
for a few days.
And we are supposed
to protect civilians.
I knew you understand. I
knew it, captain, darling.
It'll be good for morale, sir.
[BUGLE PLAYS "CHARGE"]
Excuse me, ladies.
I gotta go too. It's pay call.
Sisters, they're
playing our song.
[ALL LAUGH]
[♪♪♪]
Corporal Agarn.
AGARN: Yes, sir.
Captain.
Where is everybody?
Where's who, sir?
The troop.
Oh, the troop.
Yes, I don't see Duddleson
in the lookout tower.
There are no guards on the gate.
Are they all in town?
Oh, no, sir.
I gave strict orders that
nobody leave the fort.
Well, then I suggest you get
them all out of the barracks
and back to duty
immediately. Yes, sir.
Troopers, ho!
AGARN: On the double.
On the double!
All right, you men,
everybody back to duty.
Duddleson, back up
into the lookout tower.
[SNORING]
AGARN: Duddleson, wake up.
Hogan, lead him
back to the tower.
Now, the rest of you men
start cleaning tack and
tidying up the corrals.
Dismissed.
Here, corporal.
I don't think it's working
out with the gypsies.
They're upsetting the
whole routine of the fort.
Ah, but, sir, the men were just
taking a fortune-telling break.
Well, what about
Dobbs? Dobbs, sir?
Yeah, this morning he
played reveille on a mandolin.
Don't be too harsh
on the boy, sir.
He just got carried
away with the gypsy spirit.
Well, then, there's chow call.
What about chow call, sir?
Well, as soon as it's announced,
the whole troop rushes
to the gypsy wagon.
It's healthy to have
a change in diet, sir.
We're fighting scurvy, you know.
With goulash?
Have you ever heard
of a gypsy with scurvy?
Oh, corporal, we're just
going to have to order
the gypsies off the post.
Oh, but, captain,
you can't do that.
Do you realize that if
the inspector general
had arrived yesterday, he
would have seen one of my men
guarding the fort
wearing earrings.
That was Hoffenmueller, sir.
It just happens he
has pierced ears.
They have to go, and that's all
there is too it.
I will not have my men dancing
around a campfire all night,
singing, "My Little
Gypsy Sweetheart."
But captain... Corporal,
I'm ordering you
to get rid of the gypsies.
[WHINES] Corporal.
Oh, uh, corporal.
Sir.
Before you tell Marika
they have to leave,
would you do me
a favor? Yes, sir.
Ask her how soon I can
expect that promotion
she saw in my palm.
Sir.
[HUMS GYPSY TUNE]
Who is it?
Marika, it's me, Agarn.
Come in, darling.
Hi, girls.
Hi.
I'm afraid I got some
bad news for you.
MARIKA: What's the bad news?
Captain says you gotta leave.
Oh, but couldn't
you talk him out of it?
No chance. Everything
would have been all right
if we'd just hadn't sold
those earrings to the men.
It was your idea, Agarn.
I know, I know.
I thought they were gonna
send them home to their girls.
Well, goodbye, soldier,
darling. Thank you for everything.
Hold it, hold it.
We've got a little
settling up to do.
I tell you what we do.
I am going to give you
a free palm reading,
and we call it quits.
Oh, no.
I've got it all
written down here.
Let's see,
"twenty-seven fortunes,
"18 pierced earrings,
16 plates goulash to go,
10 dancing lessons,
five mandolin picks."
I figure you owe me $22.
You have a very good
business head, soldier.
Well, here is your money.
[♪♪♪]
[COUNTING IN HUNGARIAN]
[CLEARS THROAT]
Well, you were right.
You said I had a
great financial future.
Ah, goodbye, soldier. I
hope to see you again.
Likewise, Marika.
What's the matter?
That mark on your hand.
Do you know what that means?
I've got six months
to live, right?
I knew it, I knew it.
I've had these terrible pains.
That's a sign of the
long lost gypsy prince.
Prince Igor.
Gypsy prince?
Tanya, Sonya, look.
[BOTH GASP]
On your knees, before royalty.
I can't believe it.
I should have known.
Agarn. Igor.
They must have changed the name
when they came to America.
Come to think of it,
my grandmother had
a tearoom in Passaic.
Do you realize with
King Laszlo dead,
now you, Prince Igor, you
are the king of all the gypsies?
Imagine, all these years
trying to make sergeant,
and now I make king.
Come away with
us, Your Highness.
Your people need you.
I can't leave the Army
until my enlistment's up.
Of course. Of
course, you are right.
You're much better
off in the Army.
What kind of a life would
you have as a gypsy king?
Traveling all around the
world, singing and dancing
and being gay, and being
married to a beautiful gypsy girl.
Married to a
beautiful gypsy girl?
On your birthday,
you get your weight in gold.
My weight in gold?
How much do you weigh?
A hundred and fifty-five.
But I've been up to 200.
I love fat kings.
You do?
Come away with
us, Your Highness.
You'll never regret it.
You want to resign
from the Army, Agarn?
Yes, sir.
See that mark on my hand?
Yeah, it looks like a wart.
No, sir.
It's the mark of gypsy royalty.
Gypsy royalty?
I'm Prince Igor,
king of the gypsies.
Corporal, you know we
don't allow drinking on duty.
You don't understand, sir.
Marika has been searching
for the long lost Prince Igor
ever since King Laszlo died.
King Laszlo?
I wouldn't expect you to be
up on your gypsy royalty, sir.
Uh, look, corporal... Prince.
Prince, you can't
just leave the Army.
But my people need me.
Oh, I-I-I must say, this is
highly irregular, corporal.
Prince.
Uh, prince, prince...
Why are you eating
all those bananas?
Next month is my birthday,
and my people are paying
me my weight in gold.
Oh, I'm... I'm afraid I'm
going to have to consult
territory headquarters on this.
Captain, if you don't give
me my release from the Army,
I'm afraid things will go
hard with you in Washington.
What do you mean?
This could mean
war with Hungary.
Oh, well, I... All right,
corporal... Uh, prince,
I, uh... I'll tell
you what I'll do.
I'll give you a
two-week furlough
until I can straighten this
all out with headquarters.
Is that fair enough?
Fair enough.
I bet you'd never been
saluted by a prince before.
Wilton, here's the
wire from Fort Dodge.
Agarn, I think you
better here this.
Excuse me, Janey. I'm
not in the Army anymore.
What's he talking about, Wilton?
Oh, never mind,
Jane. I'll explain later.
What's the news?
Well, it's about
that gypsy wagon.
They didn't get lost.
They ran away from the
train after fleecing soldiers
at three posts.
Well, this explains Igor.
Who's Igor?
Agarn.
Agarn is Igor?
No, Igor is Agarn.
Wilton, have you been drinking?
Yeah... No, no.
J-Jane, those... Those
gypsies have convinced Agarn
that he's their long lost king.
Agarn, a king? He can't
even make sergeant.
It all fits in
now. It all fits in.
They arrived here on payday,
and they're going to
fleece that poor prince
of every cent he has.
Well, why don't you
go show him this wire.
That ought to bring
Agarn or Igor to his senses.
No, no. He'd never believe
it, Jane. He's too far gone.
Well, what are you
gonna do about it?
I don't know, I don't know.
I, uh, I'll have to
think of something.
You better think
of something fast,
or they're fleece him
of every cent he has.
Yes, I know.
That's it, that's it.
Well, what's it?
If we fleece him first,
they'll throw him
out on his royal ear.
♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
♪ La, la-la, la, la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
Hey!
Hold it. Hold it.
We're going to
camp here for tonight.
I still think you shouldn't
have sold the horse.
When you can get $6 for an
old mare with only one good leg,
you grab it.
But I don't think a king
should be pulling a wagon.
King Laszlo pulled our wagon,
and he never complained.
Yeah, well, if he
had complained,
he'd be alive today.
All right, Your Highness,
start chopping the wood.
If this keeps up, I'll be skin
and bones on my birthday.
Here, eat another banana.
Marika, don't you think
you're overdoing it?
He might get mad and
go back to the Army.
Sisters, all I want
is to tire him out,
so he'll sleep like a baby.
Then we'll steal his money
and throw him out
on his royal ears.
[ALL LAUGH]
[GALLOPING]
That sounds like horses.
Marika, who could it be?
What do you think I
am, a mind reader?
Captain Parmenter,
what are you doing here?
We've come to give you
an escort, Your Highness.
Just until you get
out of Indian territory.
It's... It's sort of
a farewell gesture
to a wonderful comrade-in-arms.
Well, that certainly is a nice
thing for you fellows to do.
Well, you never know when
the Apaches might launch
another attack
on the tambourine.
All right, men. Set up camp.
Duffy, you take
care of the horses.
DUFFY: Yes, sir.
Dobbs, you get
some wood for a fire
and break out the blanket rolls.
I think something is
rotten in Budapest.
Oh, I certainly have
missed you, Agarn.
I've only been gone an hour.
Ah, yes, yes. I-I forgot.
Yeah. Yes, sir, you... You
certainly look wonderful
in your gypsy outfit, prince.
Or should I call you king?
No, no, it's prince
until the coronation.
[CHUCKLES]
Yes, sir, that... That
certainly is quite an outfit.
Never had a fit
like this in the Army.
Hey, captain? No.
Prince Igor, can I see you
in the wagon for a moment?
Oh. Excuse me, captain.
Uh, wait, wait, stop.
See, why don't you do
one of those gypsy dances
for your buddies.
I don't know how.
Oh, I'm sure it'll come to you
with all that Hungarian blood.
MARIKA: Never mind
the dancing, prince.
Just come inside.
Excuse me, captain.
I wouldn't take that
if I were a prince.
You're right.
I'm gonna do a
dance for my buddies.
Would you, captain?
All right, girls, let's
have a little music.
Hit it, Tanya.
And a one, and a two.
[MANDOLIN AND
TAMBOURINE MUSIC PLAYING]
Hey!
You certainly have a
natural gypsy rhythm.
It's all in the blood.
Say, that looks like fun.
Do you mind if I try it?
Oh, sure, captain.
Just pick up the beat.
All right, Tanya.
And a one, and a two.
[MUSIC RESUMES]
Can I lead? Yes.
Hey!
PARMENTER [CHUCKLING]: Hey.
Oh, I'm... I'm sorry, prince.
My... My hand got
caught in your sash.
That's all right, captain.
You must be more careful
with your money, prince.
Come on. Put it in the wagon.
Yeah, you wouldn't wanna
lose a wad like that, Agarn...
I mean, prince.
This is nothing.
Next month they're giving
me my weight in gold.
Uh, say, as long as
you're so rich, prince,
y-you know what
would be a nice gesture?
What?
Why don't you buy a piano
for the enlisted men's club.
We could put a plaque on it
that says: "Prince Igor slept here."
Great idea.
AGARN: Keep the money.
Just promise me one thing:
the fist tune
played on the piano
will be "My Little
Gypsy Sweetheart."
I promise, prince.
Nah.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I gotta get my sash wound up.
That was quick
thinking, captain.
Heh, thank you, Dobbs.
Should we get ready
to leave now, sir?
Uh, no, Duffy.
No, he'll need a
ride back to the fort.
[♪♪♪]
You are no gypsy prince.
Oh, yeah? What about
that mark on my hand?
[LAUGHS]
That's a wart, darling.
A wa-wa-wa-wa... A wart?
Oh, here, now,
don't feel bad, prince.
Corporal.
Oh, any man who donates a
piano to the enlisted men's club
is a prince.
[YELLING IN HUNGARIAN]
[♪♪♪]
Hey, Corporal Agarn.
Yes, sir.
I'm leaving you in
charge of the fort.
If any emergency should arise,
I'll be at Eagle Rock, kissing.
Uh... Uh, Kissing Rock, eagling.
Uh, well, you
know where I'll be.
Yes, sir.
Sergeant O'Rourke
reporting, sir.
I looked for four days
and never saw a
sign of that lost wagon.
Corporal Agarn found it.
Come on, Wilton.
We don't wanna keep
those eagles waiting.
Sarge, you'll
never believe this.
I started out with... Hey,
hold it. Hold it, partner.
I didn't find that lost wagon,
but I got a new
line of souvenirs
that'll make us millionaires.
Look at this. Genuine
gypsies scarves.
A tambourine. Sarge.
Or we got... Sarge.
We got earrings and bracelets,
a crystal ball. Sarge.
Look at this. Gypsies, ho!
[ALL CHEER]
[MANDOLIN AND
TAMBOURINE MUSIC PLAYING]
I think you're a
little late, darling.
[♪♪♪]