F Troop (1965–1967): Season 1, Episode 10 - She's Only a Build in a Girdled Cage - full transcript
When Dobbs' mother comes to visit she is mistaken for a dance hall singer.
[BUGLE PLAYS "CHARGE"]
♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪
♪ When quite accidentally ♪
♪ A hero who sneezed
Abruptly seized ♪
♪ Retreat And
reversed it to victory ♪
♪ His Medal of Honor
Pleased and thrilled ♪
♪ His proud little
Family group ♪
♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪
♪ And so it was
planned He'd command ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
♪ Where Indian fights
Are colorful sights ♪
♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪
♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪
♪ Both turn chicken ♪
♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪
♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪
♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪
♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
[♪♪♪]
[PLAYING BUGLE BADLY]
[♪♪♪]
O'ROURKE: Men.
Men...
it is with a heavy
heart that I leave you,
fine, fearless fighting
men of F Troop.
[CHEERS]
However, I promise that
after a week of briefing
at the inspector
general's office,
I... shall return.
ALL: Here, here.
Sergeant O'Rourke, I'll leave
Fort Courage in your hands.
Captain.
All right, men,
now let's hear
it for the captain.
Hip-hip. ALL: Hurrah!
SERGEANT: Hip-hip.
ALL: Hurrah!
Hip-hip.
Hooray!
[STAMMERS]
[♪♪♪]
WOMAN: "Dear sweet soldier boy,
"It's been much too
long since I've seen you.
"And now that I've finished
work here in New Orleans,
"I've decided to
come to Fort Courage.
"And don't tell me not to.
"I've been around
enough soldiers
"to know how to handle them.
"And when you love
someone as much as I love you,
"you'll travel to the
ends of the earth
"to hold your baby
in your arms again.
"I'm sending you a
clipping about the testimony
that they gave your old
mother for her 30 years' service."
["LOVE ME TENDER" PLAYS]
Dobbs, what's the matter?
Has the cat got your tongue?
Chow is 10 minutes late.
And Cookie's
stew is getting hard.
Now come on, blow "Mess Call."
Whoops, forgot my bugle.
Hm.
Uh, "Mess Call."
Is that the one that
goes, ♪ Da-da-da ♪
♪ Da-da-da-da ♪
♪ Tah-tee-ya-ta-tah-tah ♪
♪ Tah-tee-ya-ta-tah ♪
YOUNGER WOMAN:
"Dear sweet soldier boy,
"It's been much too
long since I've seen you.
"And now that I've finished
work here in New Orleans,
"I've decided to
come to Fort Courage.
"And don't tell me not to.
"I've been around
enough soldiers
"to know how to handle them.
"And when you love
someone as much as I love you,
"you'll travel to the
ends of the earth
to hold your baby
in your arms again."
SOLDIER: Hey, sarge, you coming?
Nice of you to invite me
to your table, sergeant.
Ain't I eating
in a prescribed military manner?
Oh. He'll forgive you.
Eating just beautiful. It's...
Now listen, Dobbs,
it's just that I... I gotta
figure out some way
to confess to you.
You see, I... Well, I
was over to barracks,
and I saw this...
piece of paper on your bunk...
Well, I thought at first
it was the troop roster.
By the time I
realized it wasn't, I'd...
I'd read the whole first page.
You read my letter?
Yeah, I'm afraid that's right.
I sure hope you can
forgive me, Dobbs.
Golly, yes, sarge.
Just don't tell
the other fellas,
because they'll
tease me about her.
She's always writing
those mushy things.
She, uh... She must sure
be a loving person, huh?
I guess you'd be right
glad to see her again.
[LAUGHS] Yeah.
But all that hugging and kissing
sure embarrasses a fella.
Yeah, well, don't
knock it, soldier boy.
I don't know what
I'm gonna do, sarge.
I think it's crazy for
her to come. Uh...
What's crazy about it?
What will the
other fellas think?
They'll just think you're
the luckiest son of a gun
in the world, that's all.
I mean, it's been a long time
since any of us saw a
real, genuine Southern belle.
Yeah, I guess she
would make the old fort
seem kind of homey.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Yeah, that's the spirit, boy.
Mm. Uh, tell me something, d...
Didn't she say something
in there about retiring?
Yeah, and I'm glad.
My sweet mama
sure could use a rest.
Huh. Ha. Tell me something.
If an emergency
came up, something,
you suppose that
just one more time,
she'd perform for the army?
Sure she'd do her bit.
She's been taking care
of soldiers all her life.
Really?
Say you, uh... You sure
must be in love, son.
Hm.
You haven't hardly
touched your food.
[CLINKS]
[♪♪♪]
O'ROURKE: Agarn!
Sarge! When you yell like that,
you raise the
hackles on my scalps.
I want you to stop
the scalp production,
get every able-bodied Hekawi
over to the whiskey
bottling plant.
But sarge, the Fourth
of July ain't until...
July.
This is more important
than the Fourth.
You'll never guess who's
gonna honor us with a visit.
Laura Lee.
Laure Lee, the... soprano?
Yeah, the "Songbird
of the South."
[LAUGHS]
What would a nice girl like that
be doing in a crummy
place like this?
Well, she's visiting
with her fiancé,
who happens to be
a member of F Troop.
Congratulations,
sarge. I could cry.
Not me.
Private Dobbs.
Private Dobbs. D... [LAUGHS]
Wait a minute. Wait a minute!
I happened to read a
letter that she wrote him,
by accident... Oh, come on.
If you were a girl like
that, would you fall in love
with a guy like that?
Well... Well, ours
not to reason why,
ours is to take
advantage of this situation.
Now, can you imagine the
final farewell appearance
of Laura Lee?
The booze and the tickets...
Hold it, sarge! How
you gonna keep
a project like that from
Captain Parmenter?
Well, he can't complain
if all the proceeds go to
the Enlisted Men's Fund.
What Enlisted Men's Fund?
Well, yours and mine.
Now, listen,
I want you to get over
to the Hekawi camp,
take all the painters
off the souvenir tepees,
and have them dream
up about 12 posters
just like that, huh?
Still don't know what
a woman like that
sees in a kid like Dobbs.
Sergeant, here comes the captain
and the inspector general.
Whoa. Troop!
Ten-hut!
F Troop all present
and accounted for, sir.
INSPECTOR GENERAL: At ease, men.
What is that?
["LOVE ME TENDER" PLAYS]
What are you doing, corporal?!
[MUFFLED]
Speak up!
[LOUDER, MUFFLED]
SERGEANT: Begging
the captain's pardon, sir,
but the corporal can't speak
up, he has a mouthful of nails.
Oh. Well, as you were, corporal.
Carry on with your duty.
Oh. Oh. Oh.
[YELLING]
Help. Help!
Don't move a muscle, man.
You're tearing the little lady.
Sergeant! She's coming here?
Yes, sir.
I've always been very
partial to Miss Lee, captain.
I may just stay through
Saturday to attend the concert.
Splendid creature.
Extraordinary cadenzas.
AGARN: Begging the
captain's pardon, sir.
PARMENTER: Yes?
AGARN: Help.
"And so, dear general, if
the fortunes of war permit,
"we would be honored to
have you as our honor guest
"at Miss Lee's final
farewell performance.
"Looking forward to the
pleasure of your company,
I remain obediently yours,
Captain Wilton Parmenter."
Since it's your post, I
feel that the invitation
should go out
over your signature.
Oh, well, uh, that's
very generous, sir.
No. Just protocol.
And with your permission,
I should like to have
similar invitations
sent to Generals
Smith and Sherman.
Oh. Well, permission
granted, sir.
And may I say, sir, that, well,
any commanding officer of yours
is a commanding officer of mine.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
PARMENTER: Come in.
Private Dobbs,
reporting as ordered, sir.
Oh. At ease.
No, no. I mean, really at ease.
Sit down.
Hannibal, boy, I'd like to
ask you a little favor.
Jeepers, sir. The way
I've been treated lately,
it can be a big old favor.
Oh, good. Good.
Well, when a certain lady
arrives here to see you, I...
I know that it's only right
that you spend a little
time with her alone.
Thank you, sir.
We do have a lot
of catching up to do.
Ah. Well, do you think she might
grace the officers' table,
a-at least for dinner?
I don't see why not.
It's mighty polite
of you to ask, sir.
Say, captain...
ain't she something?
I'm gonna buy two
seats for the performance.
Mm, I don't understand. Wh...
Why should you of all people
have to buy seats?
And why two seats?
One for me, one for my
mama. That's two, ain't it?
Yes, o-one for
you, one for your...
Mama's coming here?
Well, didn't you
just a minute ago
ask for her to sit with
you at the officers' table?
Oh, no. No, no, Dobbs.
I asked your permission
to have Miss Laura Lee
sit at our table.
Well, why would you
ask for my permission?
Well, because it's only proper.
As a matter of fact,
if... if things develop
as I think they might,
I'd like to make it a
real military wedding.
Arches of crossed sabers.
Oh, gosh. I... I always choke up
at arches of crossed sabers.
Oh. I put... I put... [STAMMERS]
What do you mean,
why should I ask
your permission? It's...
Laura Lee is your
fiancée... isn't she?
Golly Ned, captain. I
don't know her from Adam.
[CRASH]
[♪♪♪]
Dobbs...
are you absolutely sure
you never met Laura Lee?
Yes, sir.
[EXHALES]
Well, then you can...
You can just get
out of the habit
of calling me sir, Dobbs.
Because when those
three generals arrive here
and discover that Miss
Lee is not coming...
it'll be my final
farewell appearance...
as an officer.
It's all my fault.
Maybe there's some
way out for you, sir.
In Caesar's day,
a disgraced officer
used to fall forward
on his own sword.
I wonder if a thing
like that hurts.
It's all my fault, sir.
Let me do it.
Nonsense, Dobbs.
You're not an officer.
You're a bugler.
You know how long
it takes to kill yourself
by falling on a bugle?
But it's all my fault.
Stop saying it's all your fault.
It isn't all your fault.
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
Come in.
[♪♪♪]
Oh, uh, permission to ask
the captain's advice, sir.
Oh, granted. Grant...
Sit down, sergeant.
Oh, thank you, sir.
It's about these tickets.
I was thinking, perhaps
we ought to overprint them
with dress circles, so
that none of the brass
would feel
discriminated against.
The tickets? Yes, for
the opera house, sir.
We couldn't possibly get
everyone who wants to come
into the rec hall. No.
Uh, opera house?
Well, the saloon, sir.
Here's, uh... Here's
our seating plan.
Now, we're gonna
build a nice big box
right up close to the
stage, for the generals.
Carl Stooky, the undertaker,
is taking care of that for us.
An undertaker? Yes.
You don't know how
appropriate that is, sergeant.
Oh, thank you, sir.
Now, as to refreshments...
I thought we'd have Hekawi
punch for the enlisted men
and pink champagne
for the officers,
to be drunk out of Laura
Lee's dainty little slipper...
Well, in case her
slipper got soggy,
I ordered a couple of dozen
extra dainty little slippers
to be given away
later as souvenirs.
With a small handling charge.
Uh, one... One moment, sergeant.
Just one moment.
Uh, all these arrangements...
The tickets, the boxes,
souvenirs, slippers,
refreshments
where's the money coming from?
Well, the night will
be self-liquidating, sir.
All the money will come out
of the Enlisted Men's Fund.
PARMENTER: What
Enlisted Men's Fund?
Well, the one that starts
with Laura Lee's final farewell
appearance on Saturday night.
Uh... Sergeant...
look, now, sometimes
a star like Miss Lee
is at the mercy of
her own popularity.
Why... Why she might...
She might suddenly be
called to the White House.
Yes, by the President.
And have to cancel her
appearance at Fort Courage.
You understand that?
You don't have to
worry about a thing, sir.
She's on her way
to join her little fiancé
at this very minute.
There it is in the
Kansas City Dispatch, sir.
Saturday night
at the Music Hall.
The absolute final farewell
appearance of Miss Laura Lee.
Thank you. Thank you, sir.
Ha. Boy, you lucky dog.
Ha!
♪ Laura Lee Laura Lee ♪
♪ Queen of our dreams ♪
Queen of, um... That's it.
That's it, Dobbs. That's it!
A command performance
for the Queen!
You think Sergeant
O'Rourke sings that good, sir.
Yes. No, no, no.
Not Sergeant
O'Rourke. Your fiancée.
Now look, Dobbs. Look.
Just suppose you received
a special delivery letter
saying that she couldn't
come to you, see,
because she been called
suddenly out of town.
To, uh... To England.
To London, England, to
appear before the crown heads.
And she begged
you to understand.
Why, you could understand
that she couldn't...
She couldn't turn down
a royal invitation, right?
Yes, sir.
Of course, I'm disappointed,
but... if all them
crowned heads want her...
all right, she can go.
I understand.
Good boy. Good boy!
[LAUGHS]
Oh, boy. And when this...
perfumed letter returns tomorrow
on the Kansas City mail stage...
our troubles will be over.
Ha.
[♪♪♪]
["RAGTIME GAL" PLAYING]
LAURA LEE [ON STAGE]: ♪ Then
you'll be left alone So baby, meet me ♪
♪ And tell me I'm your own ♪
[APPLAUSE]
Boy, wow, you sure have a
gorgeous voice there, boy.
Well, thank you. Who are you?
Uh, Mimms. Uh, two M's.
Eh... Uh, uh, Abijah
Mimms, ma'am.
Thank you, Mr. Mimms.
What are you?
A-are you the mayor
or a songwriter?
No, ma'am.
I'm the postmistress...
Master, here in KC.
[LAUGHS] Oh.
And you want an
autograph. Right.
Uh, wrong. Uh...
Two cents, that's all I want.
Just... Just 2 cents.
Mr. Mimms, I don't understand.
This letter is
special delivered,
Private Hannibal Dobbs,
F Troop, Fort Courage.
And, uh... [SNIFFS]
it's perfumed.
So?
So there's only a
3-cent stamp on it.
Maybe you forgot, ma'am,
but, uh, special delivery's
been raised to a nickel.
It was me, I'd
just say, "Hang it."
But Uncle Sam, he's...
He's fierce on regulations.
So I just come over
here myself to, uh, say
if you don't have
the 2 cents on you,
I'd be glad to wait in
your dressing room.
Uh, sure wouldn't want you
to disappoint the soldiers.
Oh, Mr. Mimms, if this letter
says it's from me...
isn't that forgery?
No, ma'am.
Only insufficient postage.
Oh.
Duffy. Yo.
Duddleson? Yo.
Dobbs. Anything for Dobbs?
Agarn. Yo!
Private Hannibal Shirley Dobbs.
Captain Wilton Parmenter.
Captain Wilton Parmenter.
And a special delivery...
Thank you kindly,
wrangler. Thank you.
For Captain Wilton Parmenter.
That's it, boys.
MAN: Oh, no. [MEN GRUMBLE]
No, no. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, Jane.
Where's this man's
letter? Look in your pouch.
It was supposed to be mailed
from Kansas City yesterday.
But could it be mixed up
with your mail, sir? Yeah.
No.
[♪♪♪]
Hey! Will that be
the stage? Could be.
I wonder if she'll be
wearing them big tights.
[LAUGHTER]
Yeah, that's the
KC stage, all right.
Hey, Agarn. Hurry
up with those flowers!
Generals Sheridan,
Sherman and Smith.
Maybe they're not coming?
Oh, they're coming.
They're coming.
Forced march.
Estimated time of
arrival, 8:00 tonight.
[SIGHS]
Pucker up, Dobbs.
Blow "Assembly" call.
How will that help, sir?
Uh, well... the
masquerade is over.
I'm going to have
to tell the troop
that... the show won't go on.
That Miss Laura
Lee will not appear
for her final farewell
appearance at Fort Courage.
Well, blow, Dobbs, blow.
[PLAYING "ASSEMBLY"]
SOLDIER: Captain, sir!
You looking for
troop, they's yonder.
To the stage depot.
Every man-jack.
The stage depot? What
are they doing over there?
What I'd be doing if I
weren't on guard duty,
waiting for Laura Lee's coach.
Oh, but Miss Lee won't be here.
No, sir.
Not for another five
minutes, at least.
Ho!
Ten-hut!
At ease, men. Act... [EXHALES]
Private Dobbs.
Let's hear it for the
future Mr. Laura Lee!
Hip-hip.
ALL: Hooray!
Hip-hip.
ALL: Hooray!
Hip-hip.
ALL: Hooray!
Now listen y'all.
I-I appreciate y'all
coming down here.
That was a fine speech, Dobbs.
Now, don't hide the flowers.
We want her to be
able to see them.
Sergeant, let the
private confess.
Yeah.
Friends, buddies...
That coach, yonder,
is gonna be pulling
in here any minute.
And, uh...
when it pulls in
here in a minute,
a-a little lady is
going to step out.
A little lady I love very much.
All right, Dobbs.
Quit rubbing it in.
We know, we know!
DOBBS: But you don't know, uh...
That little lady is a mite older
than you expect her to be.
It don't bother you,
it don't bother us!
[ALL LAUGH]
A-and she ain't nearly
as pretty and curvy
as you expect her to be.
Hey, Dobbs, that's...
That's a terrible thing to say.
O'ROURKE: Hey, here
she comes now, fellas.
[MEN HUMMING]
Through the mask.
Through the mask.
SERGEANT: ♪ In the
stillness Of the spring ♪
Now listen to Dobbs!
No. No, no, listen to him.
♪ There's a song
The bluebird sings ♪
That little old lady...
is my mother. Tell
them. Tell them.
You hear. My mother.
Now, now, listen.
DOBBS: And I wouldn't
trade one wrinkle
on her weather-beaten
face... No more singing.
For all the curves
of Laura Lee's bust.
PARMENTER: Private
Dobbs has something to s...
Now listen to him,
will you, please?
Stop that humming.
Men?
♪ Brings promises of love ♪
♪ Laura Lee Laura Lee ♪
♪ Made of golden hair ♪
♪ Tell me You will always be ♪
♪ Mine for e'er and e'er ♪
[SINGING, HUMMING END]
All right, here she is now.
The only lady I ever loved.
Welcome to Fort Courage.
MAN: Wow.
[MEN "OOH" AND "AHH"]
LAURA LEE: Hannibal,
darling, it's been so long.
[CHEERS]
Hup! Hey.
Tell the truth, I didn't
know my soldier boy
was such a popular person.
[PLAYING "RAGTIME
GAL" ON VIOLIN]
[APPLAUSE]
♪ Hello, my baby
Hello, my honey ♪
♪ Hello, my soldier boy ♪
♪ You are my one desire ♪
♪ Baby, my heart's on fire ♪
♪ If you refuse me ♪
♪ Honey, you'll lose me ♪
She sure is a pretty
lady, ain't she, Mama?
When she loses
some of that baby fat.
♪ I'm your own ♪
If you like a person like that,
knowing what
theatrical persons are,
it's all right with me.
And poor, skinny
little Blanche DuBois,
who's been waiting
faithfully for you
since the eighth grade,
will just have to understand.
If it doesn't destroy you.
♪ Hello, my baby,
Hello, my honey ♪
♪ Hello, my soldier boy ♪
♪ You are my one desire ♪
♪ Baby, my heart's On fire ♪
Four more pink
champagne for the brass.
Ha, ha, ha.
How are we enlisted
men making out?
Well, I haven't have
time to count it all yet,
but offhand I'd say we
just about break even.
Ahem. By about,
uh, 3 or 400 percent.
Splendid, sergeant. Splendid.
Why, I'll bet
there's enough here
for every enlisted
man in F Troop
to buy a set of
athletic dumbbells.
Wouldn't you say so?
Uh, dumbbells at
the very least, sir.
♪ And tell me I'm your own ♪
[MUSIC ENDS, APPLAUSE]
[MEN CHEER]
[GUITAR CHORD STRIKES]
[SINGS A VOCAL TRILL]
[GUITAR CHORD STRIKES]
[SINGS ANOTHER TRILL]
[GUITAR CHORD STRIKES]
[SINGS ANOTHER TRILL]
[SINGS HIGH NOTE]
[♪♪♪]
Oh, I'm sorry about
your observation tower.
Oh, my pleasure. My pleasure.
And I'm sorry about your, uh,
broken engagement
with Private Dobbs.
Well, mothers will
be mothers. Yeah.
I certainly wanna thank you
for all you've done for the men,
and for Dobbs and me.
But if you'll pardon a
personal question, ma'am,
why did you do it?
Well, captain, as soon
as I read the letter,
I knew someone's neck was out,
so I came here to save it.
Yeah.
Thank you.
And where are you
off to now, ma'am?
Another final
farewell appearance
at Fort Ticonderoga.
I have a fiancé there.
Captain Gerald Fitzroy.
Or is that Corporal
Roy Fitzgerald?
Well, no matter.
I just like to be needed.
I'm what you call, "a ham."
Oh. No, ma'am.
No. You're what
I'd call a... A trouper.
[♪♪♪]
Ho! Giddap!
Giddap!
[SNORTS]
[♪♪♪]
♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪
♪ When quite accidentally ♪
♪ A hero who sneezed
Abruptly seized ♪
♪ Retreat And
reversed it to victory ♪
♪ His Medal of Honor
Pleased and thrilled ♪
♪ His proud little
Family group ♪
♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪
♪ And so it was
planned He'd command ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
♪ Where Indian fights
Are colorful sights ♪
♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪
♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪
♪ Both turn chicken ♪
♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪
♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪
♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪
♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪
♪ F Troop! ♪
[♪♪♪]
[PLAYING BUGLE BADLY]
[♪♪♪]
O'ROURKE: Men.
Men...
it is with a heavy
heart that I leave you,
fine, fearless fighting
men of F Troop.
[CHEERS]
However, I promise that
after a week of briefing
at the inspector
general's office,
I... shall return.
ALL: Here, here.
Sergeant O'Rourke, I'll leave
Fort Courage in your hands.
Captain.
All right, men,
now let's hear
it for the captain.
Hip-hip. ALL: Hurrah!
SERGEANT: Hip-hip.
ALL: Hurrah!
Hip-hip.
Hooray!
[STAMMERS]
[♪♪♪]
WOMAN: "Dear sweet soldier boy,
"It's been much too
long since I've seen you.
"And now that I've finished
work here in New Orleans,
"I've decided to
come to Fort Courage.
"And don't tell me not to.
"I've been around
enough soldiers
"to know how to handle them.
"And when you love
someone as much as I love you,
"you'll travel to the
ends of the earth
"to hold your baby
in your arms again.
"I'm sending you a
clipping about the testimony
that they gave your old
mother for her 30 years' service."
["LOVE ME TENDER" PLAYS]
Dobbs, what's the matter?
Has the cat got your tongue?
Chow is 10 minutes late.
And Cookie's
stew is getting hard.
Now come on, blow "Mess Call."
Whoops, forgot my bugle.
Hm.
Uh, "Mess Call."
Is that the one that
goes, ♪ Da-da-da ♪
♪ Da-da-da-da ♪
♪ Tah-tee-ya-ta-tah-tah ♪
♪ Tah-tee-ya-ta-tah ♪
YOUNGER WOMAN:
"Dear sweet soldier boy,
"It's been much too
long since I've seen you.
"And now that I've finished
work here in New Orleans,
"I've decided to
come to Fort Courage.
"And don't tell me not to.
"I've been around
enough soldiers
"to know how to handle them.
"And when you love
someone as much as I love you,
"you'll travel to the
ends of the earth
to hold your baby
in your arms again."
SOLDIER: Hey, sarge, you coming?
Nice of you to invite me
to your table, sergeant.
Ain't I eating
in a prescribed military manner?
Oh. He'll forgive you.
Eating just beautiful. It's...
Now listen, Dobbs,
it's just that I... I gotta
figure out some way
to confess to you.
You see, I... Well, I
was over to barracks,
and I saw this...
piece of paper on your bunk...
Well, I thought at first
it was the troop roster.
By the time I
realized it wasn't, I'd...
I'd read the whole first page.
You read my letter?
Yeah, I'm afraid that's right.
I sure hope you can
forgive me, Dobbs.
Golly, yes, sarge.
Just don't tell
the other fellas,
because they'll
tease me about her.
She's always writing
those mushy things.
She, uh... She must sure
be a loving person, huh?
I guess you'd be right
glad to see her again.
[LAUGHS] Yeah.
But all that hugging and kissing
sure embarrasses a fella.
Yeah, well, don't
knock it, soldier boy.
I don't know what
I'm gonna do, sarge.
I think it's crazy for
her to come. Uh...
What's crazy about it?
What will the
other fellas think?
They'll just think you're
the luckiest son of a gun
in the world, that's all.
I mean, it's been a long time
since any of us saw a
real, genuine Southern belle.
Yeah, I guess she
would make the old fort
seem kind of homey.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Yeah, that's the spirit, boy.
Mm. Uh, tell me something, d...
Didn't she say something
in there about retiring?
Yeah, and I'm glad.
My sweet mama
sure could use a rest.
Huh. Ha. Tell me something.
If an emergency
came up, something,
you suppose that
just one more time,
she'd perform for the army?
Sure she'd do her bit.
She's been taking care
of soldiers all her life.
Really?
Say you, uh... You sure
must be in love, son.
Hm.
You haven't hardly
touched your food.
[CLINKS]
[♪♪♪]
O'ROURKE: Agarn!
Sarge! When you yell like that,
you raise the
hackles on my scalps.
I want you to stop
the scalp production,
get every able-bodied Hekawi
over to the whiskey
bottling plant.
But sarge, the Fourth
of July ain't until...
July.
This is more important
than the Fourth.
You'll never guess who's
gonna honor us with a visit.
Laura Lee.
Laure Lee, the... soprano?
Yeah, the "Songbird
of the South."
[LAUGHS]
What would a nice girl like that
be doing in a crummy
place like this?
Well, she's visiting
with her fiancé,
who happens to be
a member of F Troop.
Congratulations,
sarge. I could cry.
Not me.
Private Dobbs.
Private Dobbs. D... [LAUGHS]
Wait a minute. Wait a minute!
I happened to read a
letter that she wrote him,
by accident... Oh, come on.
If you were a girl like
that, would you fall in love
with a guy like that?
Well... Well, ours
not to reason why,
ours is to take
advantage of this situation.
Now, can you imagine the
final farewell appearance
of Laura Lee?
The booze and the tickets...
Hold it, sarge! How
you gonna keep
a project like that from
Captain Parmenter?
Well, he can't complain
if all the proceeds go to
the Enlisted Men's Fund.
What Enlisted Men's Fund?
Well, yours and mine.
Now, listen,
I want you to get over
to the Hekawi camp,
take all the painters
off the souvenir tepees,
and have them dream
up about 12 posters
just like that, huh?
Still don't know what
a woman like that
sees in a kid like Dobbs.
Sergeant, here comes the captain
and the inspector general.
Whoa. Troop!
Ten-hut!
F Troop all present
and accounted for, sir.
INSPECTOR GENERAL: At ease, men.
What is that?
["LOVE ME TENDER" PLAYS]
What are you doing, corporal?!
[MUFFLED]
Speak up!
[LOUDER, MUFFLED]
SERGEANT: Begging
the captain's pardon, sir,
but the corporal can't speak
up, he has a mouthful of nails.
Oh. Well, as you were, corporal.
Carry on with your duty.
Oh. Oh. Oh.
[YELLING]
Help. Help!
Don't move a muscle, man.
You're tearing the little lady.
Sergeant! She's coming here?
Yes, sir.
I've always been very
partial to Miss Lee, captain.
I may just stay through
Saturday to attend the concert.
Splendid creature.
Extraordinary cadenzas.
AGARN: Begging the
captain's pardon, sir.
PARMENTER: Yes?
AGARN: Help.
"And so, dear general, if
the fortunes of war permit,
"we would be honored to
have you as our honor guest
"at Miss Lee's final
farewell performance.
"Looking forward to the
pleasure of your company,
I remain obediently yours,
Captain Wilton Parmenter."
Since it's your post, I
feel that the invitation
should go out
over your signature.
Oh, well, uh, that's
very generous, sir.
No. Just protocol.
And with your permission,
I should like to have
similar invitations
sent to Generals
Smith and Sherman.
Oh. Well, permission
granted, sir.
And may I say, sir, that, well,
any commanding officer of yours
is a commanding officer of mine.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
PARMENTER: Come in.
Private Dobbs,
reporting as ordered, sir.
Oh. At ease.
No, no. I mean, really at ease.
Sit down.
Hannibal, boy, I'd like to
ask you a little favor.
Jeepers, sir. The way
I've been treated lately,
it can be a big old favor.
Oh, good. Good.
Well, when a certain lady
arrives here to see you, I...
I know that it's only right
that you spend a little
time with her alone.
Thank you, sir.
We do have a lot
of catching up to do.
Ah. Well, do you think she might
grace the officers' table,
a-at least for dinner?
I don't see why not.
It's mighty polite
of you to ask, sir.
Say, captain...
ain't she something?
I'm gonna buy two
seats for the performance.
Mm, I don't understand. Wh...
Why should you of all people
have to buy seats?
And why two seats?
One for me, one for my
mama. That's two, ain't it?
Yes, o-one for
you, one for your...
Mama's coming here?
Well, didn't you
just a minute ago
ask for her to sit with
you at the officers' table?
Oh, no. No, no, Dobbs.
I asked your permission
to have Miss Laura Lee
sit at our table.
Well, why would you
ask for my permission?
Well, because it's only proper.
As a matter of fact,
if... if things develop
as I think they might,
I'd like to make it a
real military wedding.
Arches of crossed sabers.
Oh, gosh. I... I always choke up
at arches of crossed sabers.
Oh. I put... I put... [STAMMERS]
What do you mean,
why should I ask
your permission? It's...
Laura Lee is your
fiancée... isn't she?
Golly Ned, captain. I
don't know her from Adam.
[CRASH]
[♪♪♪]
Dobbs...
are you absolutely sure
you never met Laura Lee?
Yes, sir.
[EXHALES]
Well, then you can...
You can just get
out of the habit
of calling me sir, Dobbs.
Because when those
three generals arrive here
and discover that Miss
Lee is not coming...
it'll be my final
farewell appearance...
as an officer.
It's all my fault.
Maybe there's some
way out for you, sir.
In Caesar's day,
a disgraced officer
used to fall forward
on his own sword.
I wonder if a thing
like that hurts.
It's all my fault, sir.
Let me do it.
Nonsense, Dobbs.
You're not an officer.
You're a bugler.
You know how long
it takes to kill yourself
by falling on a bugle?
But it's all my fault.
Stop saying it's all your fault.
It isn't all your fault.
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
Come in.
[♪♪♪]
Oh, uh, permission to ask
the captain's advice, sir.
Oh, granted. Grant...
Sit down, sergeant.
Oh, thank you, sir.
It's about these tickets.
I was thinking, perhaps
we ought to overprint them
with dress circles, so
that none of the brass
would feel
discriminated against.
The tickets? Yes, for
the opera house, sir.
We couldn't possibly get
everyone who wants to come
into the rec hall. No.
Uh, opera house?
Well, the saloon, sir.
Here's, uh... Here's
our seating plan.
Now, we're gonna
build a nice big box
right up close to the
stage, for the generals.
Carl Stooky, the undertaker,
is taking care of that for us.
An undertaker? Yes.
You don't know how
appropriate that is, sergeant.
Oh, thank you, sir.
Now, as to refreshments...
I thought we'd have Hekawi
punch for the enlisted men
and pink champagne
for the officers,
to be drunk out of Laura
Lee's dainty little slipper...
Well, in case her
slipper got soggy,
I ordered a couple of dozen
extra dainty little slippers
to be given away
later as souvenirs.
With a small handling charge.
Uh, one... One moment, sergeant.
Just one moment.
Uh, all these arrangements...
The tickets, the boxes,
souvenirs, slippers,
refreshments
where's the money coming from?
Well, the night will
be self-liquidating, sir.
All the money will come out
of the Enlisted Men's Fund.
PARMENTER: What
Enlisted Men's Fund?
Well, the one that starts
with Laura Lee's final farewell
appearance on Saturday night.
Uh... Sergeant...
look, now, sometimes
a star like Miss Lee
is at the mercy of
her own popularity.
Why... Why she might...
She might suddenly be
called to the White House.
Yes, by the President.
And have to cancel her
appearance at Fort Courage.
You understand that?
You don't have to
worry about a thing, sir.
She's on her way
to join her little fiancé
at this very minute.
There it is in the
Kansas City Dispatch, sir.
Saturday night
at the Music Hall.
The absolute final farewell
appearance of Miss Laura Lee.
Thank you. Thank you, sir.
Ha. Boy, you lucky dog.
Ha!
♪ Laura Lee Laura Lee ♪
♪ Queen of our dreams ♪
Queen of, um... That's it.
That's it, Dobbs. That's it!
A command performance
for the Queen!
You think Sergeant
O'Rourke sings that good, sir.
Yes. No, no, no.
Not Sergeant
O'Rourke. Your fiancée.
Now look, Dobbs. Look.
Just suppose you received
a special delivery letter
saying that she couldn't
come to you, see,
because she been called
suddenly out of town.
To, uh... To England.
To London, England, to
appear before the crown heads.
And she begged
you to understand.
Why, you could understand
that she couldn't...
She couldn't turn down
a royal invitation, right?
Yes, sir.
Of course, I'm disappointed,
but... if all them
crowned heads want her...
all right, she can go.
I understand.
Good boy. Good boy!
[LAUGHS]
Oh, boy. And when this...
perfumed letter returns tomorrow
on the Kansas City mail stage...
our troubles will be over.
Ha.
[♪♪♪]
["RAGTIME GAL" PLAYING]
LAURA LEE [ON STAGE]: ♪ Then
you'll be left alone So baby, meet me ♪
♪ And tell me I'm your own ♪
[APPLAUSE]
Boy, wow, you sure have a
gorgeous voice there, boy.
Well, thank you. Who are you?
Uh, Mimms. Uh, two M's.
Eh... Uh, uh, Abijah
Mimms, ma'am.
Thank you, Mr. Mimms.
What are you?
A-are you the mayor
or a songwriter?
No, ma'am.
I'm the postmistress...
Master, here in KC.
[LAUGHS] Oh.
And you want an
autograph. Right.
Uh, wrong. Uh...
Two cents, that's all I want.
Just... Just 2 cents.
Mr. Mimms, I don't understand.
This letter is
special delivered,
Private Hannibal Dobbs,
F Troop, Fort Courage.
And, uh... [SNIFFS]
it's perfumed.
So?
So there's only a
3-cent stamp on it.
Maybe you forgot, ma'am,
but, uh, special delivery's
been raised to a nickel.
It was me, I'd
just say, "Hang it."
But Uncle Sam, he's...
He's fierce on regulations.
So I just come over
here myself to, uh, say
if you don't have
the 2 cents on you,
I'd be glad to wait in
your dressing room.
Uh, sure wouldn't want you
to disappoint the soldiers.
Oh, Mr. Mimms, if this letter
says it's from me...
isn't that forgery?
No, ma'am.
Only insufficient postage.
Oh.
Duffy. Yo.
Duddleson? Yo.
Dobbs. Anything for Dobbs?
Agarn. Yo!
Private Hannibal Shirley Dobbs.
Captain Wilton Parmenter.
Captain Wilton Parmenter.
And a special delivery...
Thank you kindly,
wrangler. Thank you.
For Captain Wilton Parmenter.
That's it, boys.
MAN: Oh, no. [MEN GRUMBLE]
No, no. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, Jane.
Where's this man's
letter? Look in your pouch.
It was supposed to be mailed
from Kansas City yesterday.
But could it be mixed up
with your mail, sir? Yeah.
No.
[♪♪♪]
Hey! Will that be
the stage? Could be.
I wonder if she'll be
wearing them big tights.
[LAUGHTER]
Yeah, that's the
KC stage, all right.
Hey, Agarn. Hurry
up with those flowers!
Generals Sheridan,
Sherman and Smith.
Maybe they're not coming?
Oh, they're coming.
They're coming.
Forced march.
Estimated time of
arrival, 8:00 tonight.
[SIGHS]
Pucker up, Dobbs.
Blow "Assembly" call.
How will that help, sir?
Uh, well... the
masquerade is over.
I'm going to have
to tell the troop
that... the show won't go on.
That Miss Laura
Lee will not appear
for her final farewell
appearance at Fort Courage.
Well, blow, Dobbs, blow.
[PLAYING "ASSEMBLY"]
SOLDIER: Captain, sir!
You looking for
troop, they's yonder.
To the stage depot.
Every man-jack.
The stage depot? What
are they doing over there?
What I'd be doing if I
weren't on guard duty,
waiting for Laura Lee's coach.
Oh, but Miss Lee won't be here.
No, sir.
Not for another five
minutes, at least.
Ho!
Ten-hut!
At ease, men. Act... [EXHALES]
Private Dobbs.
Let's hear it for the
future Mr. Laura Lee!
Hip-hip.
ALL: Hooray!
Hip-hip.
ALL: Hooray!
Hip-hip.
ALL: Hooray!
Now listen y'all.
I-I appreciate y'all
coming down here.
That was a fine speech, Dobbs.
Now, don't hide the flowers.
We want her to be
able to see them.
Sergeant, let the
private confess.
Yeah.
Friends, buddies...
That coach, yonder,
is gonna be pulling
in here any minute.
And, uh...
when it pulls in
here in a minute,
a-a little lady is
going to step out.
A little lady I love very much.
All right, Dobbs.
Quit rubbing it in.
We know, we know!
DOBBS: But you don't know, uh...
That little lady is a mite older
than you expect her to be.
It don't bother you,
it don't bother us!
[ALL LAUGH]
A-and she ain't nearly
as pretty and curvy
as you expect her to be.
Hey, Dobbs, that's...
That's a terrible thing to say.
O'ROURKE: Hey, here
she comes now, fellas.
[MEN HUMMING]
Through the mask.
Through the mask.
SERGEANT: ♪ In the
stillness Of the spring ♪
Now listen to Dobbs!
No. No, no, listen to him.
♪ There's a song
The bluebird sings ♪
That little old lady...
is my mother. Tell
them. Tell them.
You hear. My mother.
Now, now, listen.
DOBBS: And I wouldn't
trade one wrinkle
on her weather-beaten
face... No more singing.
For all the curves
of Laura Lee's bust.
PARMENTER: Private
Dobbs has something to s...
Now listen to him,
will you, please?
Stop that humming.
Men?
♪ Brings promises of love ♪
♪ Laura Lee Laura Lee ♪
♪ Made of golden hair ♪
♪ Tell me You will always be ♪
♪ Mine for e'er and e'er ♪
[SINGING, HUMMING END]
All right, here she is now.
The only lady I ever loved.
Welcome to Fort Courage.
MAN: Wow.
[MEN "OOH" AND "AHH"]
LAURA LEE: Hannibal,
darling, it's been so long.
[CHEERS]
Hup! Hey.
Tell the truth, I didn't
know my soldier boy
was such a popular person.
[PLAYING "RAGTIME
GAL" ON VIOLIN]
[APPLAUSE]
♪ Hello, my baby
Hello, my honey ♪
♪ Hello, my soldier boy ♪
♪ You are my one desire ♪
♪ Baby, my heart's on fire ♪
♪ If you refuse me ♪
♪ Honey, you'll lose me ♪
She sure is a pretty
lady, ain't she, Mama?
When she loses
some of that baby fat.
♪ I'm your own ♪
If you like a person like that,
knowing what
theatrical persons are,
it's all right with me.
And poor, skinny
little Blanche DuBois,
who's been waiting
faithfully for you
since the eighth grade,
will just have to understand.
If it doesn't destroy you.
♪ Hello, my baby,
Hello, my honey ♪
♪ Hello, my soldier boy ♪
♪ You are my one desire ♪
♪ Baby, my heart's On fire ♪
Four more pink
champagne for the brass.
Ha, ha, ha.
How are we enlisted
men making out?
Well, I haven't have
time to count it all yet,
but offhand I'd say we
just about break even.
Ahem. By about,
uh, 3 or 400 percent.
Splendid, sergeant. Splendid.
Why, I'll bet
there's enough here
for every enlisted
man in F Troop
to buy a set of
athletic dumbbells.
Wouldn't you say so?
Uh, dumbbells at
the very least, sir.
♪ And tell me I'm your own ♪
[MUSIC ENDS, APPLAUSE]
[MEN CHEER]
[GUITAR CHORD STRIKES]
[SINGS A VOCAL TRILL]
[GUITAR CHORD STRIKES]
[SINGS ANOTHER TRILL]
[GUITAR CHORD STRIKES]
[SINGS ANOTHER TRILL]
[SINGS HIGH NOTE]
[♪♪♪]
Oh, I'm sorry about
your observation tower.
Oh, my pleasure. My pleasure.
And I'm sorry about your, uh,
broken engagement
with Private Dobbs.
Well, mothers will
be mothers. Yeah.
I certainly wanna thank you
for all you've done for the men,
and for Dobbs and me.
But if you'll pardon a
personal question, ma'am,
why did you do it?
Well, captain, as soon
as I read the letter,
I knew someone's neck was out,
so I came here to save it.
Yeah.
Thank you.
And where are you
off to now, ma'am?
Another final
farewell appearance
at Fort Ticonderoga.
I have a fiancé there.
Captain Gerald Fitzroy.
Or is that Corporal
Roy Fitzgerald?
Well, no matter.
I just like to be needed.
I'm what you call, "a ham."
Oh. No, ma'am.
No. You're what
I'd call a... A trouper.
[♪♪♪]
Ho! Giddap!
Giddap!
[SNORTS]
[♪♪♪]