F Troop (1965–1967): Season 1, Episode 1 - Scourge of the West - full transcript
Becoming a hero by accidentally leading a cavalry charge the wrong way, Lieutenant Wilton Parmenter is given command of Fort Courage. The Fort's crafty Sgt. O'Rourke has a deal with the local Hekawi Indians to market their wares to the tourists. They must sometimes pretend to be enemies (and the Shugs really are enemies). Jane is out to marry the innocent Parmenter.
[♪♪♪]
NARRATOR: In the closing
months of the war between the states,
ultimate victory
has been reduced
to a question of supply.
Nowhere are shortages
felt more keenly
than in the headquarters tent
of a certain general
of the Union Armies.
Where's my laundry?
I'll, uh, send Parmenter
for it immediately, sir.
NARRATOR: Wilton
Parmenter, Quartermaster Corps,
member of a proud
Philadelphia family
with great military traditions.
He, too, has found
a place to serve:
private in charge
of officer's laundry.
And no starch!
Parmenter has come
through with the underwear
many times under fire.
An awesome responsibility.
But this time,
fate takes a hand.
An excess of
pollen fills the air.
[SNEEZES] Ke-char!
You heard him, men! Charge!
[BUGLE PLAYS "CHARGE"]
And so, within a matter of days,
victory came to
the Union forces.
And Wilton Parmenter,
Quartermaster Corps,
became a man of destiny,
the Scourge of Appomattox.
Members of the Parmenter family
assembled to observe
the ceremonies
honoring Wilton Parmenter.
Wilton's first cousin,
Major Achilles Parmenter.
His second cousin,
Lieutenant Colonel
Hercules Parmenter.
His uncle, Colonel
Jupiter Parmenter.
And his father, General
Thor X. Parmenter.
Heroes, all.
In splendid tradition, they
gathered here to pay honor
to another member of
the Parmenter family:
Wilton Parmenter, the
Scourge of Appomattox.
They watch proudly
as he stepped forward
to receive his just reward...
from a grateful country.
Promotion to captain,
the Medal of Honor...
[GASPS]
and the Purple Heart.
He was the only soldier in
history ever to get a medal
for getting a medal.
Well, Parmenter, we've
got to find an assignment
befitting the Scourge
of Appomattox
Sir, they've gone through
three commanding officers
at Fort Courage.
Two desertions and
a... nervous breakdown.
Fort Courage, eh?
Ah, good thinking, Wormsbecker.
At a frontier post like that,
he might be just the
inspirational leader they need.
Captain Parmenter,
as of this moment,
you are the commanding
officer of F Troop.
[♪♪♪]
["F TROOP THEME" PLAYS]
[♪♪♪]
[PLAYS "REVEILLE" BADLY]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Come in.
[BUGLER CONTINUES PLAYING]
Oh, good morning,
sergeant, corporal.
Sir, Sergeant O'Rourke
and Corporal Agarn
reporting for duty.
Uh, F Troop is assembled for
the captain's first inspection.
Good. Good.
May I, sir?
Oh, yes. Yes.
Yeah.
[CLICKS]
Ah, thank you,
sergeant. Thank you.
Oh, just one moment.
I'd...
I'd like to hang up this
picture of my family.
We'd be honored, sir.
Ah, Major Achilles Parmenter,
Lieutenant Colonel
Hercules Parmenter,
Colonel Jupiter Parmenter,
General Thor Parmenter.
O'ROURKE: And now,
Captain Wilton Parmenter.
[SPEAKS INDIAN DIALECT]
Uh, m-m-mickanawa what?
Oh, that's, uh,
Hekawi, sir. Uh, Indian.
It means, "Scourge of the West."
Oh, no. No, no. I was
never west before.
I wa... I was called the sc...
I'm afraid the captain's
reputation has preceded him.
It has? Oh, yes, sir.
O'ROURKE: Corporal Agarn.
Would you see that
the troop is ready
for the captain's inspection.
[YELLS]
Oh.
Uh... "Reveille."
"Reveille"... Ah! Uh...
Okay.
Are... Are you hurt, sir?
I'm all right, sergeant.
Ha. I-I fall down a lot.
You know...
You know, my... My
father used to say that...
That I had more left feet
than any kid in Philadelphia.
[LAUGHS]
Well, for a... For a
general, that's pretty funny.
[LAUGHS] Oh, yes.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Sergeant...
it's time for me
to take command.
[BUGLE PLAYS POORLY]
AGARN: All right,
now, let's look alive.
It's all you have to do all day,
so let's do it right!
Svigson!
If you're awake, let
your face know about it.
Gravy stains,
Duddleson? Gravy stains?
Look at you! You're a mess!
Forget it.
[YELLS INDISCERNIBLY]
F Troop all present
and accounted for, sir.
Good work, corporal.
Men...
you're in the army now.
I, uh... [CLEARS THROAT]
have never heard
that put so well, sir.
[♪♪♪]
Heh. Good. Good work, corporal.
Oh. Oh, uh, sergeant, I've
been meaning to ask you.
How come we have
"Reveille" at 10:00?
Now, back East, when I was
in the Quartermaster Corps,
we had "Reveille" at 7.
Yo, but that
captain is forgetting
there's a... A three-hour
time difference.
[CHUCKLES]
Of course.
Yes.
Beg your pardon. Mm.
[YELLS]
Solider, you've got
a button missing.
Yes, sir. It's been
missing for over a month.
Oh.
Well... keep looking.
It's bound to be
around someplace.
WOMAN: Mail call
for Fort Courage!
Pick it up at the trading post!
Eh, troop dismissed.
[♪♪♪]
SOLDIER: Ashby.
Billy.
Fleischman.
Captain, I'd like
to present to you,
Miss Jane Angelica Thrift.
Janey, this is Captain
Wilton Parmenter.
I'm happy to know
you, Miss Thrift.
Shucks. You just
call me Wrangler.
Or Janey.
I run the trading
post here in town.
Oh, we'll be seeing something
of each other, I imagine.
You can bet a bucket
of buzzards we will.
Here. This was right
on top of the heap.
Dispatch from Washington.
Oh. Well, what do you
suppose they want?
Oh, ser-sergeant,
we've got to get things
straightened up around the post.
Company's coming tomorrow.
Oh?
Yes, a Second Lieutenant Hawkes
from the Inspector
General's office.
Darn it, I just got
here yesterday.
Oh, well,
now, don't you worry
about a thing, captain.
We'll have everything as
slick as a greasy whistle.
[♪♪♪]
Be seeing you around, captain.
Well, I'm sure the captain
wants to prepare himself
for the inspection.
The sergeant is right, sir.
Well, I guess I could
go check my manual.
It's bound to have something
in it about what you do
with a second lieutenant. Yeah.
Ah. Dobbs!
From now on, you're
the captain's orderly.
He'll see you to your
quarters, captain.
Good. Good. Uh,
thank you, sergeant.
Right this way, captain.
[♪♪♪]
Excuse me.
And to think, that little
guy is a Parmenter.
I tell you, sarge,
he's the pigeon
we've always dreamed of.
Yeah, and now we get him.
[CHUCKLES]
"Scourge of the West."
Man coming out from the
Inspector General's office,
that could be the end
of O'Rourke Enterprises.
Sending in those phony reports
about knocking off
two tribes in two weeks.
Drawing rations for 30
men when we only got 17.
I tell you something,
if that snoop finds out
how peaceful it
really is around here,
they'll be no more Fort Courage.
[♪♪♪]
A hundred and five.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
I am sick!
Come on!
O'ROURKE: Huh.
Look at all this beautiful loot.
Arrows, quivers, bows,
shields, tomahawks.
Two hundred
souvenir war bonnets.
Four barrels of
perfumed war paint.
What's the use in
counting all this stuff, sarge?
When that
lieutenant gets here...
Hey, wait a minute!
Is that all the whiskey I got?
Now, how do you
expect me to run a saloon
with a half a case of whiskey?
I told you, sarge.
Chief Wild Eagle says
they need a copper
coil for the still.
All right, get one.
Tell supply it's something to...
That'll repair the cannon with.
What did you say?
The still's busted.
No! Who said it?
Chief Wild Eagle.
Wild Eagle. Huh?
Oh, that's the answer.
To what?
Listen. I got rid of two
captains and a major, didn't I?
Yeah.
Now, I ought to be able to
handle one nosy lieutenant
from the Inspector
General's office.
Uh, tonight, you
and I pay a visit
to the bloodthirsty Hekawi.
[♪♪♪]
Wild Eagle, my brother.
You some brother.
Still, still busted.
How you expect
Hekawi make firewater?
We'll get you a new
coil. And when we do,
stop holding out
liquor for the tribe.
Indians ain't supposed
to drink alcohol.
Who says so?
Everybody. Yeah.
Ah, that just nasty rumor,
spread by sister-in-law,
Sparkling Water.
She one big bluenose redskin.
Bluenose redskin.
[LAUGHS]
Wild Eagle make funny joke!
[LAUGHS]
Listen, W.E.
There's a snoop lieutenant
coming out here from Washington.
And we gotta convince him
we're having Injun trouble.
So how about attacking the fort?
Attack you? Yeah.
You honorary Hekawi.
No, chief, not a real fight.
We'll shoot over your heads,
you shoot over ours.
What are friends for?
Okay, look, I-I'll fire
the cannon as a signal,
and you just run up
and make a lot of noise.
Nobody gets hurt.
You got wrong tribe, brother.
Hekawis not fight.
Theys invent peace pipe.
Hekawis not mad at nobody.
Listen, Wild Eagle,
either you're gonna fight
or you're gonna go back
to hunting and fishing.
And weaving your own blankets!
We fight. Ah.
Wait. What?
How we fight?
Must do war dance first.
All right, so do war dance.
Not remember war dance. [GROANS]
Hekawi too peaceful.
Hey.
Any you boys remember war dance?
[MURMURING]
See? Nobody remember war dance.
[SNAPS] Hey, how
about the medicine man?
Him big quack,
but I ask. All right.
Hey! Roaring Chicken!
Somebody sick?
[SHAKES BEADS]
Need soup?
Come on double. We hold powwow.
Powwow?
What is "powwow?"
Oh, he's gonna be a lot of help.
Have a little respect, will you?
Why... he's old enough
to be your father.
Him very old Eastern boy.
Come from good family in Ohio.
WILD EAGLE: Doc.
You ever see war dance?
Oh.
I see war dance many moons ago.
Many, many, many moons.
You and your moons.
When?
Forty-two years
ago, last August.
War dance very much like, um,
rain dance, only drier.
You run around fire.
You jump up and down... Ah!
Hm. And look savage.
That ain't no war dance!
No?
No. Look, sarge,
you and the chief
get your signal straight
about the cannon.
I'll take the boys and show
them how to do a war dance.
All right, come on
you braves. Follow me.
AGARN: Nice, bouncy four.
One and two and
three and four... [YELLS]
[DRUMS BEATING]
Come on, boys. What's the life?
[♪♪♪]
Hear me, Shug warriors.
No kill.
Follow.
They lead us to fort.
Shugs attack.
We kill... many paleface.
[SPEAKS INDIAN DIALECT]
[♪♪♪]
All right, now you
get this straight.
When them Hekawis attack,
you aim over their heads.
And if you shake loose
so much as one feather,
I'll transfer you
all to another outfit.
A fighting outfit.
Right.
SOLDIER: Hey fellas,
here comes the inspector.
Troop... attention.
Present arms.
Lieutenant Jefferson
Hawkes reporting, sir,
on orders from the
Inspector General.
Put up... arms!
Is this all of F troop?
Oh no, no.
No, uh, Franklin's
upstairs doing sentry duty.
We're pretty
military around here.
Would you like to
inspect the troop?
You draw rations and
pay allotments for 30 men.
Where are the others?
Yeah, they're
out on, uh, patrol.
That's right. That's right.
Uh, they've been out on that
patrol since before I got here.
That's interesting.
How do they draw
their rations and pay?
O'ROURKE: Oh,
they're Indian scouts.
They sneak in during
the dead of night.
Sneak out before dawn.
Oh?
Oh.
Mm.
Sir! The troops are waiting
to be dismissed. Mm.
Good. You're dismissed.
Come on, lieutenant,
I'll show you to your quarters.
Gee, I'm glad you're here.
Maybe you and I can
have an officers' club.
Captain, I got this as a
welcoming present for you.
Put your initials on it myself.
Oh. Well, will you look at that?
Oh.
This is nice and slippery
for a fast draw, see.
Oh, thank you, Janey.
Gee, isn't that
something? Gorgeous.
S-say, why... Why
don't we all go inside
and have a nice
chat? [WHISTLING]
Who did that?!
Oh, oh! Captain,
captain. My goodness.
There's an awful lot
of Indians out there.
The ferocious Hekawis
are about to attack.
[SHOUTING, YELLING]
Injun attack.
Uh, uh... Uh, Dobbs,
blow the charge.
The attack. Uh...
Blow the bugle.
[PLAYING LIVELY CALL]
What happened?
Nobody fired the cannon?
Oh, them dumb Hekawis.
They don't do anything right!
Ahh!
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
You ain't supposed
to be in here!
The fight's outside
the other gate.
[SPEAKS INDIAN DIALECT]
Ah! "Kemano-shish
negood" yourself.
And get the still fixed!
Yes. Indian attack...
Yeah.
Ah... Yeah. There, there, there.
[SHOUTING, YELLING]
Will you look at them Hekawis.
Like a bunch of wild Indians.
[CHUCKLES]
Hey, what are you trying
to do, kill somebody?
Well, ain't that
the general idea?
Already got three of them.
What am I gonna tell the chief?
She'll wipe out the whole tribe.
Hey, uh, hold out now.
Cut out now, will
you, Wrangler, please?
Cut that out.
Hopping horn toads!
Hey, they sure missed you close.
Some Hekawis are getting good.
What do you mean,
Hekawis? They're the Shugs.
BOTH: The Shugs!
Commence firing.
But for real. It's the Shug.
[GUNFIRE, YELLING]
Dobbs, where's my sword?
It's right there in
the umbrella stand.
Oh, captain.
Charge!
Charge!
Captain!
Won't you need this part?
[SHOUTING, YELLING]
Hey, somebody get
that arrow out of there.
Yeah, I'll take
care of it, sergeant.
Whoa-oh!
Whoa!
Captain Parmenter, look out!
Captain Parmenter!
Scourge of the West!
Run!
Hey, they're retreating.
The captain scared them off!
Ha-ha!
ALL: Hooray!
[CHEERS, SHOUTS]
[♪♪♪]
[CHUCKLES] Oh, yes, sir.
We'll call them trophies
of the Shug War.
Genuine Indian headdresses
taken in hand-to-hand combat.
Tomtoms. Feels like tomtoms.
We'll print a little booklet
about the long and
bloody campaign.
I can see it now.
My War with the Shugs by
Morgan O'Rourke, as told...
Will you cut that
out. The battle's over.
A hundred and seven.
Have a ballad written.
It'll be played in every saloon
west of the Mississippi River.
"The Legend of Morgan O'Rourke."
Oh, we'll clean up. Hey,
make a note of that, Agarn.
Get somebody who'll work cheap.
Sarge. My heart. Feel my heart.
Will you stop that?
Now, Agarn, just
think for a minute.
In a few days, the
still will be finished.
That snoop
lieutenant will be gone.
And O'Rourke Enterprises
will be back in business.
Sarge. What?
What happened to the Hekawis?
That Shug arrow
you took in the hat
must have gone
through your memory too.
That's right. The cannon.
Uh-huh. No signal,
no Hekawi attack.
But now we're back in business.
No more worries, no more cares.
With Captain Wilton Parmenter,
the Scourge of the
West, in command.
Hey we'll take inventory
tomorrow. Come on.
[♪♪♪]
[SIGHS]
Sergeant asked me
to give you this
report, captain.
"Shugs lost 24 men.
We got seven. And
Miss Wrangler got 17."
Well, uh, what did we loose?
One ladder.
Ah. And I busted my good sword.
Hm. Five o'clock.
Why, don't you have
a retreat at this post?
What? We won. Why should we...
Oh, oh, oh. That
kind of retreat...
Ta-taking down the flag.
Let's go, Hannibal.
[METAL CLANGING]
Captain, I can't play retreat.
That's the one I don't
know how to play yet.
What do you usually play?
"Yankee Doodle," sir.
Oh.
Well, that's nice.
You play that, and
I'll shoot the cannon.
[PLAYS "YANKEE DOODLE" BADLY]
Captain, don't do that!
AGARN: That's the signal.
Don't fire the cannon.
It'll wreck everything!
Here, captain, you don't
know what you're doing.
Sorry, men, it's
time for retreat.
Back!
[INDIANS SCREAMING, YELLING]
Captain! The
Hekawis are attacking.
To the parapets. Charge!
[WEEPS]
[SHOUTING, YELLING]
[♪♪♪]
NARRATOR: In the closing
months of the war between the states,
ultimate victory
has been reduced
to a question of supply.
Nowhere are shortages
felt more keenly
than in the headquarters tent
of a certain general
of the Union Armies.
Where's my laundry?
I'll, uh, send Parmenter
for it immediately, sir.
NARRATOR: Wilton
Parmenter, Quartermaster Corps,
member of a proud
Philadelphia family
with great military traditions.
He, too, has found
a place to serve:
private in charge
of officer's laundry.
And no starch!
Parmenter has come
through with the underwear
many times under fire.
An awesome responsibility.
But this time,
fate takes a hand.
An excess of
pollen fills the air.
[SNEEZES] Ke-char!
You heard him, men! Charge!
[BUGLE PLAYS "CHARGE"]
And so, within a matter of days,
victory came to
the Union forces.
And Wilton Parmenter,
Quartermaster Corps,
became a man of destiny,
the Scourge of Appomattox.
Members of the Parmenter family
assembled to observe
the ceremonies
honoring Wilton Parmenter.
Wilton's first cousin,
Major Achilles Parmenter.
His second cousin,
Lieutenant Colonel
Hercules Parmenter.
His uncle, Colonel
Jupiter Parmenter.
And his father, General
Thor X. Parmenter.
Heroes, all.
In splendid tradition, they
gathered here to pay honor
to another member of
the Parmenter family:
Wilton Parmenter, the
Scourge of Appomattox.
They watch proudly
as he stepped forward
to receive his just reward...
from a grateful country.
Promotion to captain,
the Medal of Honor...
[GASPS]
and the Purple Heart.
He was the only soldier in
history ever to get a medal
for getting a medal.
Well, Parmenter, we've
got to find an assignment
befitting the Scourge
of Appomattox
Sir, they've gone through
three commanding officers
at Fort Courage.
Two desertions and
a... nervous breakdown.
Fort Courage, eh?
Ah, good thinking, Wormsbecker.
At a frontier post like that,
he might be just the
inspirational leader they need.
Captain Parmenter,
as of this moment,
you are the commanding
officer of F Troop.
[♪♪♪]
["F TROOP THEME" PLAYS]
[♪♪♪]
[PLAYS "REVEILLE" BADLY]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Come in.
[BUGLER CONTINUES PLAYING]
Oh, good morning,
sergeant, corporal.
Sir, Sergeant O'Rourke
and Corporal Agarn
reporting for duty.
Uh, F Troop is assembled for
the captain's first inspection.
Good. Good.
May I, sir?
Oh, yes. Yes.
Yeah.
[CLICKS]
Ah, thank you,
sergeant. Thank you.
Oh, just one moment.
I'd...
I'd like to hang up this
picture of my family.
We'd be honored, sir.
Ah, Major Achilles Parmenter,
Lieutenant Colonel
Hercules Parmenter,
Colonel Jupiter Parmenter,
General Thor Parmenter.
O'ROURKE: And now,
Captain Wilton Parmenter.
[SPEAKS INDIAN DIALECT]
Uh, m-m-mickanawa what?
Oh, that's, uh,
Hekawi, sir. Uh, Indian.
It means, "Scourge of the West."
Oh, no. No, no. I was
never west before.
I wa... I was called the sc...
I'm afraid the captain's
reputation has preceded him.
It has? Oh, yes, sir.
O'ROURKE: Corporal Agarn.
Would you see that
the troop is ready
for the captain's inspection.
[YELLS]
Oh.
Uh... "Reveille."
"Reveille"... Ah! Uh...
Okay.
Are... Are you hurt, sir?
I'm all right, sergeant.
Ha. I-I fall down a lot.
You know...
You know, my... My
father used to say that...
That I had more left feet
than any kid in Philadelphia.
[LAUGHS]
Well, for a... For a
general, that's pretty funny.
[LAUGHS] Oh, yes.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Sergeant...
it's time for me
to take command.
[BUGLE PLAYS POORLY]
AGARN: All right,
now, let's look alive.
It's all you have to do all day,
so let's do it right!
Svigson!
If you're awake, let
your face know about it.
Gravy stains,
Duddleson? Gravy stains?
Look at you! You're a mess!
Forget it.
[YELLS INDISCERNIBLY]
F Troop all present
and accounted for, sir.
Good work, corporal.
Men...
you're in the army now.
I, uh... [CLEARS THROAT]
have never heard
that put so well, sir.
[♪♪♪]
Heh. Good. Good work, corporal.
Oh. Oh, uh, sergeant, I've
been meaning to ask you.
How come we have
"Reveille" at 10:00?
Now, back East, when I was
in the Quartermaster Corps,
we had "Reveille" at 7.
Yo, but that
captain is forgetting
there's a... A three-hour
time difference.
[CHUCKLES]
Of course.
Yes.
Beg your pardon. Mm.
[YELLS]
Solider, you've got
a button missing.
Yes, sir. It's been
missing for over a month.
Oh.
Well... keep looking.
It's bound to be
around someplace.
WOMAN: Mail call
for Fort Courage!
Pick it up at the trading post!
Eh, troop dismissed.
[♪♪♪]
SOLDIER: Ashby.
Billy.
Fleischman.
Captain, I'd like
to present to you,
Miss Jane Angelica Thrift.
Janey, this is Captain
Wilton Parmenter.
I'm happy to know
you, Miss Thrift.
Shucks. You just
call me Wrangler.
Or Janey.
I run the trading
post here in town.
Oh, we'll be seeing something
of each other, I imagine.
You can bet a bucket
of buzzards we will.
Here. This was right
on top of the heap.
Dispatch from Washington.
Oh. Well, what do you
suppose they want?
Oh, ser-sergeant,
we've got to get things
straightened up around the post.
Company's coming tomorrow.
Oh?
Yes, a Second Lieutenant Hawkes
from the Inspector
General's office.
Darn it, I just got
here yesterday.
Oh, well,
now, don't you worry
about a thing, captain.
We'll have everything as
slick as a greasy whistle.
[♪♪♪]
Be seeing you around, captain.
Well, I'm sure the captain
wants to prepare himself
for the inspection.
The sergeant is right, sir.
Well, I guess I could
go check my manual.
It's bound to have something
in it about what you do
with a second lieutenant. Yeah.
Ah. Dobbs!
From now on, you're
the captain's orderly.
He'll see you to your
quarters, captain.
Good. Good. Uh,
thank you, sergeant.
Right this way, captain.
[♪♪♪]
Excuse me.
And to think, that little
guy is a Parmenter.
I tell you, sarge,
he's the pigeon
we've always dreamed of.
Yeah, and now we get him.
[CHUCKLES]
"Scourge of the West."
Man coming out from the
Inspector General's office,
that could be the end
of O'Rourke Enterprises.
Sending in those phony reports
about knocking off
two tribes in two weeks.
Drawing rations for 30
men when we only got 17.
I tell you something,
if that snoop finds out
how peaceful it
really is around here,
they'll be no more Fort Courage.
[♪♪♪]
A hundred and five.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
I am sick!
Come on!
O'ROURKE: Huh.
Look at all this beautiful loot.
Arrows, quivers, bows,
shields, tomahawks.
Two hundred
souvenir war bonnets.
Four barrels of
perfumed war paint.
What's the use in
counting all this stuff, sarge?
When that
lieutenant gets here...
Hey, wait a minute!
Is that all the whiskey I got?
Now, how do you
expect me to run a saloon
with a half a case of whiskey?
I told you, sarge.
Chief Wild Eagle says
they need a copper
coil for the still.
All right, get one.
Tell supply it's something to...
That'll repair the cannon with.
What did you say?
The still's busted.
No! Who said it?
Chief Wild Eagle.
Wild Eagle. Huh?
Oh, that's the answer.
To what?
Listen. I got rid of two
captains and a major, didn't I?
Yeah.
Now, I ought to be able to
handle one nosy lieutenant
from the Inspector
General's office.
Uh, tonight, you
and I pay a visit
to the bloodthirsty Hekawi.
[♪♪♪]
Wild Eagle, my brother.
You some brother.
Still, still busted.
How you expect
Hekawi make firewater?
We'll get you a new
coil. And when we do,
stop holding out
liquor for the tribe.
Indians ain't supposed
to drink alcohol.
Who says so?
Everybody. Yeah.
Ah, that just nasty rumor,
spread by sister-in-law,
Sparkling Water.
She one big bluenose redskin.
Bluenose redskin.
[LAUGHS]
Wild Eagle make funny joke!
[LAUGHS]
Listen, W.E.
There's a snoop lieutenant
coming out here from Washington.
And we gotta convince him
we're having Injun trouble.
So how about attacking the fort?
Attack you? Yeah.
You honorary Hekawi.
No, chief, not a real fight.
We'll shoot over your heads,
you shoot over ours.
What are friends for?
Okay, look, I-I'll fire
the cannon as a signal,
and you just run up
and make a lot of noise.
Nobody gets hurt.
You got wrong tribe, brother.
Hekawis not fight.
Theys invent peace pipe.
Hekawis not mad at nobody.
Listen, Wild Eagle,
either you're gonna fight
or you're gonna go back
to hunting and fishing.
And weaving your own blankets!
We fight. Ah.
Wait. What?
How we fight?
Must do war dance first.
All right, so do war dance.
Not remember war dance. [GROANS]
Hekawi too peaceful.
Hey.
Any you boys remember war dance?
[MURMURING]
See? Nobody remember war dance.
[SNAPS] Hey, how
about the medicine man?
Him big quack,
but I ask. All right.
Hey! Roaring Chicken!
Somebody sick?
[SHAKES BEADS]
Need soup?
Come on double. We hold powwow.
Powwow?
What is "powwow?"
Oh, he's gonna be a lot of help.
Have a little respect, will you?
Why... he's old enough
to be your father.
Him very old Eastern boy.
Come from good family in Ohio.
WILD EAGLE: Doc.
You ever see war dance?
Oh.
I see war dance many moons ago.
Many, many, many moons.
You and your moons.
When?
Forty-two years
ago, last August.
War dance very much like, um,
rain dance, only drier.
You run around fire.
You jump up and down... Ah!
Hm. And look savage.
That ain't no war dance!
No?
No. Look, sarge,
you and the chief
get your signal straight
about the cannon.
I'll take the boys and show
them how to do a war dance.
All right, come on
you braves. Follow me.
AGARN: Nice, bouncy four.
One and two and
three and four... [YELLS]
[DRUMS BEATING]
Come on, boys. What's the life?
[♪♪♪]
Hear me, Shug warriors.
No kill.
Follow.
They lead us to fort.
Shugs attack.
We kill... many paleface.
[SPEAKS INDIAN DIALECT]
[♪♪♪]
All right, now you
get this straight.
When them Hekawis attack,
you aim over their heads.
And if you shake loose
so much as one feather,
I'll transfer you
all to another outfit.
A fighting outfit.
Right.
SOLDIER: Hey fellas,
here comes the inspector.
Troop... attention.
Present arms.
Lieutenant Jefferson
Hawkes reporting, sir,
on orders from the
Inspector General.
Put up... arms!
Is this all of F troop?
Oh no, no.
No, uh, Franklin's
upstairs doing sentry duty.
We're pretty
military around here.
Would you like to
inspect the troop?
You draw rations and
pay allotments for 30 men.
Where are the others?
Yeah, they're
out on, uh, patrol.
That's right. That's right.
Uh, they've been out on that
patrol since before I got here.
That's interesting.
How do they draw
their rations and pay?
O'ROURKE: Oh,
they're Indian scouts.
They sneak in during
the dead of night.
Sneak out before dawn.
Oh?
Oh.
Mm.
Sir! The troops are waiting
to be dismissed. Mm.
Good. You're dismissed.
Come on, lieutenant,
I'll show you to your quarters.
Gee, I'm glad you're here.
Maybe you and I can
have an officers' club.
Captain, I got this as a
welcoming present for you.
Put your initials on it myself.
Oh. Well, will you look at that?
Oh.
This is nice and slippery
for a fast draw, see.
Oh, thank you, Janey.
Gee, isn't that
something? Gorgeous.
S-say, why... Why
don't we all go inside
and have a nice
chat? [WHISTLING]
Who did that?!
Oh, oh! Captain,
captain. My goodness.
There's an awful lot
of Indians out there.
The ferocious Hekawis
are about to attack.
[SHOUTING, YELLING]
Injun attack.
Uh, uh... Uh, Dobbs,
blow the charge.
The attack. Uh...
Blow the bugle.
[PLAYING LIVELY CALL]
What happened?
Nobody fired the cannon?
Oh, them dumb Hekawis.
They don't do anything right!
Ahh!
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
You ain't supposed
to be in here!
The fight's outside
the other gate.
[SPEAKS INDIAN DIALECT]
Ah! "Kemano-shish
negood" yourself.
And get the still fixed!
Yes. Indian attack...
Yeah.
Ah... Yeah. There, there, there.
[SHOUTING, YELLING]
Will you look at them Hekawis.
Like a bunch of wild Indians.
[CHUCKLES]
Hey, what are you trying
to do, kill somebody?
Well, ain't that
the general idea?
Already got three of them.
What am I gonna tell the chief?
She'll wipe out the whole tribe.
Hey, uh, hold out now.
Cut out now, will
you, Wrangler, please?
Cut that out.
Hopping horn toads!
Hey, they sure missed you close.
Some Hekawis are getting good.
What do you mean,
Hekawis? They're the Shugs.
BOTH: The Shugs!
Commence firing.
But for real. It's the Shug.
[GUNFIRE, YELLING]
Dobbs, where's my sword?
It's right there in
the umbrella stand.
Oh, captain.
Charge!
Charge!
Captain!
Won't you need this part?
[SHOUTING, YELLING]
Hey, somebody get
that arrow out of there.
Yeah, I'll take
care of it, sergeant.
Whoa-oh!
Whoa!
Captain Parmenter, look out!
Captain Parmenter!
Scourge of the West!
Run!
Hey, they're retreating.
The captain scared them off!
Ha-ha!
ALL: Hooray!
[CHEERS, SHOUTS]
[♪♪♪]
[CHUCKLES] Oh, yes, sir.
We'll call them trophies
of the Shug War.
Genuine Indian headdresses
taken in hand-to-hand combat.
Tomtoms. Feels like tomtoms.
We'll print a little booklet
about the long and
bloody campaign.
I can see it now.
My War with the Shugs by
Morgan O'Rourke, as told...
Will you cut that
out. The battle's over.
A hundred and seven.
Have a ballad written.
It'll be played in every saloon
west of the Mississippi River.
"The Legend of Morgan O'Rourke."
Oh, we'll clean up. Hey,
make a note of that, Agarn.
Get somebody who'll work cheap.
Sarge. My heart. Feel my heart.
Will you stop that?
Now, Agarn, just
think for a minute.
In a few days, the
still will be finished.
That snoop
lieutenant will be gone.
And O'Rourke Enterprises
will be back in business.
Sarge. What?
What happened to the Hekawis?
That Shug arrow
you took in the hat
must have gone
through your memory too.
That's right. The cannon.
Uh-huh. No signal,
no Hekawi attack.
But now we're back in business.
No more worries, no more cares.
With Captain Wilton Parmenter,
the Scourge of the
West, in command.
Hey we'll take inventory
tomorrow. Come on.
[♪♪♪]
[SIGHS]
Sergeant asked me
to give you this
report, captain.
"Shugs lost 24 men.
We got seven. And
Miss Wrangler got 17."
Well, uh, what did we loose?
One ladder.
Ah. And I busted my good sword.
Hm. Five o'clock.
Why, don't you have
a retreat at this post?
What? We won. Why should we...
Oh, oh, oh. That
kind of retreat...
Ta-taking down the flag.
Let's go, Hannibal.
[METAL CLANGING]
Captain, I can't play retreat.
That's the one I don't
know how to play yet.
What do you usually play?
"Yankee Doodle," sir.
Oh.
Well, that's nice.
You play that, and
I'll shoot the cannon.
[PLAYS "YANKEE DOODLE" BADLY]
Captain, don't do that!
AGARN: That's the signal.
Don't fire the cannon.
It'll wreck everything!
Here, captain, you don't
know what you're doing.
Sorry, men, it's
time for retreat.
Back!
[INDIANS SCREAMING, YELLING]
Captain! The
Hekawis are attacking.
To the parapets. Charge!
[WEEPS]
[SHOUTING, YELLING]
[♪♪♪]