F Is for Family (2015–…): Season 5, Episode 7 - A Very Merry F%&ing Christmas - full transcript
Okay, Dad. I found box 16.
There's a whole pile of wisdom here.
What were you trying to tell me?
Hello.
This is my new tape recorder.
I bought it today at Montgomery Ward's.
It was on sale.
I also bought terry cloth, uh, shorts.
They're roomy where it counts.
Okay, okay, get to the good stuff.
Let's see how I sound.
I don't sound like that!
I come off like a filthy beatnik.
Fucking Japanese piece of garbage!
Jesus Christ.
Today, I saw something
that will forever change me.
I took a shit that spelled out "Ted"
in the bowl.
Jesus Christ!
♪ Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love now ♪
♪ Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love now ♪
♪ Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love now ♪
♪ Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love now ♪
Breaking news.
We just discovered
the best singer in the world,
Bill Murphy!
♪ Yaba daba daba daba daba
Said the monkey to the chimp ♪
♪ Yaba daba daba daba daba
Said the chimpy to the monk... ♪
"Aba Daba Honeymoon" again?
♪ All day long they wanted to play... ♪
Frank, it's two in the morning.
Can't you come to bed?
Sue, my dad died
wanting me to find these tapes.
I just know there's some kind
of fatherly advice on one of these.
Some wisdom
that will help me with my life.
I'll bet that Lawrence Welk
gets all kinds of tail.
A different Lennon Sister every night.
Come on, enlighten me, you son of a bitch!
Frank, we just had a good day together
as a family.
The Frank at the bowling alley
was the man I fell in love with.
The Frank who grinds his teeth at night
and mutters,
"That dead fucking bastard," is not.
Can't you let this go?
All I know is it can't end like this.
All right?
It can't.
Just take it in little pieces, okay?
My feet smell so weird,
like Parmesan cheese and hair,
but not the good kind of hair
or the good kind of Parmesan cheese.
Your sister and I made
our plane reservations for the 22nd.
What's my mom doing on Dad's tape?
She's on the answering machine.
It says we're flying on something
called "Ala-Hican"? What is that?
That's what Mohican is called now, Ma!
What's with all the Indian names anyway?
Frank, tell them to change it
to something American.
He's not in charge of names, Ma!
He told me he was a big shot!
Well, maybe he used to be...
Out of tape.
Oh, inviting them for Christmas
seemed like such a good idea
when I was drunk and sentimental.
Oh. Oh yeah, your boss left a message too.
He said he needs everyone to come
into work today at 10:00 a.m. sharp,
which I guess is five minutes from now.
Fuck!
Buster Thunder Junior
is roaring your way!
Fucking Ed. Calling me in on a Sunday.
Rev him up and watch him crash!
Whoa!
- He's got spring-loaded breakaway limbs!
- Where are my keys?
Nothing stops Buster Thunder Junior!
Buster Thunder Junior has been stopped!
Christ, you can't put anything down
in this house!
Because of
his gruesome Thanksgiving wipeout,
Harrah's Reno has backed out of hosting
Buster's planned jump on December 24th.
The sad folks gambling on Christmas Eve
just got a little sadder.
- Goddamn it.
- Dad, you're blocking the TV.
I paid for it, I can block it!
And I'll tell you what, I'll put
your fucking face through it if you...
Okay, okay, not doing this anymore.
Yesterday was great.
I love you all.
Let's go bowling again some other...
Shit! Give me those!
I'll put you down, you son of a bitch!
- Ugh.
- Ew!
To reiterate, I love you all very much!
I forgot the fucking tapes
that'll bring me peace.
Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!
Goddamn Ed. My whole fucking life.
I did some thinking about my life today.
Oh, great. Tell me more wisdom, Dad.
What name did you shit out now?
After I lost my store,
I was like a dead man,
drunk, running from failure.
But one year ago today,
June 23, 1970,
I started my job
selling typewriter ribbon.
At that moment,
my life had a purpose again.
Now that I'm working,
I have a reason to live.
Fuck you!
I have a job, and it sucks,
you fucking dead dope.
♪ Your big brother Kevin's
Gonna die alone ♪
♪ And maybe Bill too ♪
Hey, what are you doing?
This is a sad song.
You're not supposed to laugh, you baby.
Oh, it's so sweet that Megan loves you,
which is perfect, because I need you
to watch her for a couple hours
while I take Bill and Maureen shopping.
Don't "ugh" me.
I have to get the special
7.5-ply toilet paper Grandma Nora likes.
And watching Megan
will help you take your mind off Alice.
I know. Dad told me to give her space.
A hundred yards of space.
She has a restraining order against you.
So does the temple. Oh.
Thanks, you're a darling.
Also, stay away from the butcher.
I think he's Jewish!
Mommy, I think Daddy's friend
melted into our couch.
Don't you worry. He's leaving today.
Or your father is.
Georgia! We can't throw him out
when he's in this kind of trouble.
Gangsters are after him.
He's a human being!
Thank you again for your hospitality.
You won't even know I'm here.
Okay, that's one sock on.
Now for the hard one.
Ol' lefty.
He'll be gone
by the time you get back from church.
Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!
Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!
Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!
Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!
Sorry, Ed.
That's okay, Frank.
We all waited in silence
for you to arrive.
I've called you all in to tell you that,
unfortunately, our profits have gone down
since the merger.
It turns out the ad campaign
announcing our new identity
had a negative effect on sales.
♪ Rising together, meeting in midair ♪
♪ Never gonna land ♪
♪ Ala-Hican! ♪
♪ We're on fire! ♪
Kids fly free!
In retrospect, it was a mistake
to give Mr. Stanley Kubrick
creative carte blanche.
The upshot is we won't be getting
any Christmas bonuses this year.
Oh! What? Come on!
Ed, why did you call us in
on a Sunday morning just to tell us this?
Well, I didn't want anyone
to start spending their bonus money.
Guess who's Joe Namath now?
What?
Oh, I love this time of year.
The lights, the tree, the Nativity scene.
Cool. Baby Jesus is feeding the hungry.
Uh, yeah... Why don't you go in here
and get something for your father, hmm?
Um, at the adult diaper store?
Just stay out of trouble. I have to...
Apologize to Uncle Louis
for lying to him at Thanksgiving?
I wouldn't exactly say it was lying.
Which is a lie.
Hi-ya!
Arigatou gozaimashita.
Arigatou gozaimashita.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck.
Let's buy something cheap for Dad
and split the rest on candy.
Later, loser.
Hey, Jesse!
Billy, am I glad to see you!
You want to yell at cars for a minute
while I take a mother of a piss?
Do I?!
Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.
Piss, piss, piss, piss, piss, piss, piss.
I have my doubts about your divinity,
but that doesn't mean a crow
should eat your face.
I hope this evil eye
gives you peace, Baby Jesus.
Ah, come on. It's Christmas!
What are we supposed to do?
I am fucked.
I keep the receipts when I get a burger
but not this?
It's pure capybara!
Fellas, I have good news.
I conveyed your justified bellyaching
to management,
and they said
whoever can come up with an idea
to repair our image and boost profits
will get the full Christmas bonus
and a promotion.
So, even if this works,
only one of us will do okay?
The rest can go screw?
In the immortal words of Gandhi, "Yes."
- That's bullshit!
- What?
I don't know how many times
you want me to say it,
but I'm so sorry I lied to you.
Can you ever forgive me?
Or at least acknowledge
that I'm talking to you?
You know, you really hurt me.
It was only because I love you
and I wanted everything to be okay
with our family again.
I don't want to go another 15 years
without us talking.
I am so, so sorry that I...
Okay, Sue. You can stop.
You forgive me?
A little.
But mostly because my next class starts
in five minutes
and I need to get you
the hell out of here.
I'll take it.
And I'm sorry about Thanksgiving too.
I shouldn't have called Frank
a balding piece of shit.
It was the balding part
that upset him most.
He didn't know.
Hey, do you want to come
to our Christmas party?
We could have eggnog
and get into another screaming fight.
Sure, I'll come to your Christmas party.
Oh, that's wonderful!
Sue! You're fucking my sensei?
Does Frank know about this,
or are we keeping it on the hush-hush,
like the bald thing?
Vic, she's my sister.
Sensei Lou is your brother?
Oh man.
I knew you weren't Japanese, man.
Wait, are you
one of those Caucasian Japanese,
like the guest stars on Hawaii Five-O?
Vic is my neighbor.
Oh, you're the drug addict
Sue has told me so much about.
And you're the hot piece of ass
who raises the shit out of her kids!
Thank you, Vic.
You earned it.
Girl, you know you're fine.
If I was a biscuit and you was gravy,
I'd sop you.
Mm.
She's been teaching me and my friends
all about parenting.
She's like a sensei for babies.
I'm glad you're finding a path.
Well, I mean, it's fun,
but I wouldn't call it a path.
I tell you, Sue,
you should start a business.
You could make some real money.
Tiger guy money! You know what I'm saying?
I don't know. Where would I do it?
Well, how about here?
There's plenty of open space,
it's all padded,
and I don't have any classes
Monday and Wednesday afternoons.
And none of my friends have real jobs!
Let's do this!
That's the death house
where the lady killed her husband.
That's Mr. Goomer's house.
Blech.
If your underwear goes missing, it's him.
Also, if you go missing, it's him.
You're gonna have so much fun
growing up in this neighborhood.
Well, it looks like
we all had a really good day.
I gave Baby Jesus his eye back!
And I got that nickel out of Megan's ear!
Okay, not listening, in a Christmas mood.
Frank, we just had the most...
Okay, okay, airplane roulette.
You find out where you're going
when you get there.
No, uh, guaranteed sober pilots.
No, I'd never get that past the union.
Uh, come on, Frank! Come on, Frank.
Think! Think!
Frank, are you all right?
Does it look like I'm all right?
The airline's going down the shitter!
Oh no.
And the only chance
to get my Christmas bonus
is to come up with some brilliant idea
to save everything.
And I got this asshole
telling me how great work is.
Buster Thunder Junior
has vowed to come back!
Turn that shit off! I'm trying to think!
It wouldn't bother you
if I had a TV in my room.
You won't be bothering me in ten minutes
when I put my foot up your ass!
Harrah's Reno is a coward.
My last jump was watched
by pret' near 40 million people.
Charles Bronson in person on every flight.
Nah, that doesn't make sense!
I'll be ready to go on Christmas Eve.
The contract with the TV network
is already signed.
I will come to your town
and jump whatever the hell you set up.
You name it!
Oh my God.
I need the action!
And I need morphine.
I can feel my legs!
That's it.
Ah, I just got the idea!
I'll get my bonus now!
Sue, I'm gonna save Ala-Hican!
And I just saved Christmas!
Well, we would've had
a good Christmas anyway.
With just the family?
It would've sucked, Sue, but I saved it!
And the key to happiness
did come from my job.
My dad was right!
That wonderful man!
Get over here, you dead bastard! Mwah!
Maybe he was right about everything!
I'm gonna go take a shit
and see what it spells!
Ed, I got it.
The big idea to get our profits up.
I'm all ears.
Well, if that were true,
I'd be some sort of monster.
I have two ears,
but they are both listening to you.
Good. Get a load of this.
We get Buster Thunder Junior
to jump one of our 747s here, on live TV.
It'll be a free commercial for Ala-Hican.
On Christmas Eve, 50 million Americans
will be talking about
how exciting this airline is
and not about
our horrific midair collision.
Unless we have a midair collision
between now and then.
But the odds of that are fifty-fifty.
I'll take that action! Great idea, Murphy!
It's gonna be one hell
of a Merry Christmas.
♪ Jing-jingaling, sing caroling ♪
♪ Jesus is king, yeah! ♪
♪ Love and joy come to you ♪
♪ And a Merry Christmas too ♪
♪ And God bless you
And send you a ring-a-ding-ding New Year ♪
♪ And go cuckoo
'Cause Christmastime is here ♪
♪ Yeah, get happy ♪
♪ 'Cause Christmastime ♪
♪ Is here! ♪
♪ Look out, ol' Saint Nick is back ♪
♪ Ah, Jack! ♪
Bouncing on the balls really soothes them,
and it gives you time to watch TV.
Let's end with another song
from Kangaroo Kevin.
It's a happy song I wrote for you guys.
It's called "Baby Bong Bong."
I hope you like it.
♪ Baby bong bong ♪
♪ Baby bong bong ♪
♪ What do you make me see? ♪
Thank you, baby class!
♪ A cloud and a purple banana ♪
- What?
- ♪ And a two-headed monkey in a tree ♪
Aw, damn.
I was just about to go in there
and restock the candy bars!
The fuck I'm gonna do
with all these Charleston Chews?
That fucking mayor's only doing this
to get back at me for standing up to him.
Who the hell told you to do that?
You did, when you voted for me!
I don't vote anymore.
That's how they get you.
They lock you in that booth, and they
give you the ol' Tuskegee one-two!
Man, you're paranoid.
I know! They gave me syphilis!
Well, what in the hell
we gonna do about this mayor?
I have a plan.
Ah! Oh my God, he's real?
I thought it was the ghost of Mama Cass.
I get that a lot.
I want to help you.
And you can help me.
We have mutual enemies.
Like booths in restaurants
where the table doesn't move,
the mayor is in cahoots
with the mobsters trying to kill me.
Cahoots? You just don't throw
that kind of word around.
Oh, cahoots they are in.
But we can un-hoot them if we team up,
like peanut butter and jelly
or peanut butter and bacon
or peanut butter and chitlins
or peanut butter...
You better stop me
before I open another restaurant.
Hmm?
My God.
That's where I got married.
What's the point? We can't win.
Sorry, Pogo, but I'm done with you,
and I'm done fighting.
I'm taking my kid to the mall
to meet Santa Claus.
He's a fat man who can't help me either,
but at least he gives out candy canes.
Peanut butter and candy canes.
Ooh.
Ah, we're doing a lot better
this Christmas than last year.
I'm getting my bonus,
thanks to my big idea,
and everyone's signing up for Sue's class!
It's incredible how many parents
have no idea what the fuck they're doing.
This could be the start
of something big for me.
And it's all thanks to Louis
letting me use his dojo.
Where is Louis?
He's over there, getting "Throatered."
Is there a Mrs. Karate Instructor?
I'm gay.
Aw.
Well, even on Christmas?
- Especially on Christmas.
- Hm.
- Hey, Ev.
- Hi.
Listen, I was thinking
about going to the bathroom. Inside.
It's too late for that.
What will it take?
A Christmas miracle.
I'm trying, Ev! Don't give up on me!
Francis, what a fun party.
You have such wonderful friends.
Thanks, Ma.
It's amazing how you managed
to cram them all into this tiny house.
Don't shit on Frank's tiny house, Ma.
Yours is no Taj Mahal.
Well, it'd be roomier
if you ever found a man and got married.
I'm working on it!
Yeah, some work. You haven't had
a date in a year. I say work harder.
You punks are here
because you broke the law.
Stick with us, and maybe
you'll be a success like Bill Murphy.
Or you could keep being thugs
and earn a one-way ticket here
with these hardened prisoners.
You mess with Nguyen-Nguyen, you are dead.
Don't believe me? Ask husband.
Oh, that's right, you can't. I killed him.
Oh, you make
a pee-pee in your pants, big man?
Wait till I make you act out Kojak
with me.
"The Strange Case
of the Disappearing Lollipop."
It go in your ass.
♪ Bearing gifts, we traverse afar ♪
♪ Field and fountain, moor and mountain ♪
♪ Following yonder star ♪
♪ Oh, oh ♪
♪ Star of wonder, star of night ♪
♪ Star of royal beauty bright ♪
He creeps me out,
but I'm getting goosebumps on my balls.
Oh.
♪ Guide us to thy ♪
♪ Perfect light ♪
That's the man I married.
I love you, Walter Bartnett.
I love you, Mary Margaret.
Aw.
What?
That was fun, Daddy.
How come Santa Claus was white?
Because the mall
is on the other side of the bridge, baby.
Damn it.
Just stay still
and don't say a word, honey.
Evening, Officer.
You're far from home. You lost?
No, we just went to see Santa Claus
at the mall.
I'm Alderman Roosevelt, by the way.
Alderman Roosevelt?
What is that,
some kind of Duke Ellington shit?
No. I'm a city alderman.
I represent the Twelfth Ward.
Well, this is the First Ward, Alderman.
Come on, man. We really gonna do this?
Wanna step out of the car, big man?
Hands on the trunk.
I know the drill.
Just like the last 15 times.
Well, here's a twist,
sit on the curb.
Mayor Tangenti told us
to send you his regards.
Yeah, I'm, uh, downtown.
It's okay, honey.
Let's go home.
Tangenti's gonna love us.
Bill, that's how you make captain.
All right, let's get Billy home.
He's had enough Christmas cheer
for one night.
♪ Fa, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la ♪
♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪
♪ Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
♪ Troll the ancient yuletide carol ♪
Ah, Christ.
- ♪ Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
- My fucking life.
♪ Silent night ♪
♪ Holy night ♪
♪ All is calm... ♪
I've struck out with every man here.
I don't know why. You're so pretty.
I can barely see your mustache.
Aw.
Thank you!
♪ ...child ♪
- ♪ Holy infant so tender and mild... ♪
- ♪ Pussy! ♪
She had a baby in a manger,
and it was silent?
- Must've been a man who wrote that.
- Well, that's right.
- We have no empathy.
- Mm-hmm.
Ooh! Sue, look at that. It's almost eight.
I got to run to the airport and go over
things for Buster Thunder's jump tomorrow.
I know. You told me. It's fine.
Is it really?
Or is this one of these times
where you say, "It's fine,"
but later, when I get home,
you won't let me sleep in the bed?
Frank, I'm serious. I understand.
Tomorrow's your big day. Go.
You know what? You know...
You know what? You know what?
Like I said, I don't know what,
but I am dying to find out!
Guys, guys, I'm so sorry,
but I'm needed at the airport.
Your old man is going to go meet
Buster Thunder.
Junior? He's the coolest!
You're leaving your mother
who came all the way from California?
Well, I guess that airport
spent all day giving birth to you
with a fourth-degree tear
from that giant head of yours.
Fourth-degree? Ha! You had it easy!
I put my mommy in a coma.
Mom, I got to go. I'm an important man.
Oh, you're acting
just like your father right now.
He used to leave on Christmas too,
because he was an important man.
"The Polio King."
I had polio.
Hey, you leave Dad alone.
I'm not gonna stand here
and listen to you tear him down.
You hated your father! Are you forgetting
he beat you with a crutch?
Just that once!
Rest of the time he used a belt.
Why are you defending him?
Okay, yeah.
He was a real son of a bitch to me.
But he spent his last minutes on Earth
trying to set things right between us.
He was finally looking out for me.
He was telling me
that a man's work gives him purpose.
So I'm going to the airport now.
That's my purpose, Mom!
You're gonna just leave your kids
on the third holiest night of the year?
- I don't care.
- We want him to go.
Yeah, he's a time bomb.
See, Ma? They get me!
Merry fucking Christmas.
I am so glad I came.
Ah! Jesus Christ!
Frank, you'll never guess
what I just discovered about myself.
I kind of guessed it when I met you.
Out of my car!
You know what the best part
of the pigeon is, don't you?
If you say "skin" one more time,
I'll cut you open and sleep inside you.
- Pogo.
- Rosie?
I remember why I tried
to make this town better.
I want to crush that fucking mayor.
I knew you'd come around, Rosie.
And you're just in time.
We get our revenge tomorrow.
The plan is all laid out.
Count me in. What are we doing?
Tomorrow, when Buster Thunder
jumps that airplane,
we're gonna use his national TV audience
to present evidence that will take
the mayor and Gagliardi down.
That's amazing! Evidence from who?
I'm Jim Jeffords, and I've got the scoop
and the bubonic plague.
Oh shit.
♪ Love and joy come to you ♪
♪ And a Merry Christmas too ♪
♪ And God bless you
And send you a ring-a-ding-ding New Year ♪
♪ And go cuckoo
'Cause Christmastime is here ♪
♪ Yeah, get happy 'cause Christmastime ♪
♪ Is here! ♪
♪ Look out, ol' Saint Nick is back ♪
♪ Ah, Jack! ♪
There's a whole pile of wisdom here.
What were you trying to tell me?
Hello.
This is my new tape recorder.
I bought it today at Montgomery Ward's.
It was on sale.
I also bought terry cloth, uh, shorts.
They're roomy where it counts.
Okay, okay, get to the good stuff.
Let's see how I sound.
I don't sound like that!
I come off like a filthy beatnik.
Fucking Japanese piece of garbage!
Jesus Christ.
Today, I saw something
that will forever change me.
I took a shit that spelled out "Ted"
in the bowl.
Jesus Christ!
♪ Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love now ♪
♪ Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love now ♪
♪ Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love now ♪
♪ Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love now ♪
Breaking news.
We just discovered
the best singer in the world,
Bill Murphy!
♪ Yaba daba daba daba daba
Said the monkey to the chimp ♪
♪ Yaba daba daba daba daba
Said the chimpy to the monk... ♪
"Aba Daba Honeymoon" again?
♪ All day long they wanted to play... ♪
Frank, it's two in the morning.
Can't you come to bed?
Sue, my dad died
wanting me to find these tapes.
I just know there's some kind
of fatherly advice on one of these.
Some wisdom
that will help me with my life.
I'll bet that Lawrence Welk
gets all kinds of tail.
A different Lennon Sister every night.
Come on, enlighten me, you son of a bitch!
Frank, we just had a good day together
as a family.
The Frank at the bowling alley
was the man I fell in love with.
The Frank who grinds his teeth at night
and mutters,
"That dead fucking bastard," is not.
Can't you let this go?
All I know is it can't end like this.
All right?
It can't.
Just take it in little pieces, okay?
My feet smell so weird,
like Parmesan cheese and hair,
but not the good kind of hair
or the good kind of Parmesan cheese.
Your sister and I made
our plane reservations for the 22nd.
What's my mom doing on Dad's tape?
She's on the answering machine.
It says we're flying on something
called "Ala-Hican"? What is that?
That's what Mohican is called now, Ma!
What's with all the Indian names anyway?
Frank, tell them to change it
to something American.
He's not in charge of names, Ma!
He told me he was a big shot!
Well, maybe he used to be...
Out of tape.
Oh, inviting them for Christmas
seemed like such a good idea
when I was drunk and sentimental.
Oh. Oh yeah, your boss left a message too.
He said he needs everyone to come
into work today at 10:00 a.m. sharp,
which I guess is five minutes from now.
Fuck!
Buster Thunder Junior
is roaring your way!
Fucking Ed. Calling me in on a Sunday.
Rev him up and watch him crash!
Whoa!
- He's got spring-loaded breakaway limbs!
- Where are my keys?
Nothing stops Buster Thunder Junior!
Buster Thunder Junior has been stopped!
Christ, you can't put anything down
in this house!
Because of
his gruesome Thanksgiving wipeout,
Harrah's Reno has backed out of hosting
Buster's planned jump on December 24th.
The sad folks gambling on Christmas Eve
just got a little sadder.
- Goddamn it.
- Dad, you're blocking the TV.
I paid for it, I can block it!
And I'll tell you what, I'll put
your fucking face through it if you...
Okay, okay, not doing this anymore.
Yesterday was great.
I love you all.
Let's go bowling again some other...
Shit! Give me those!
I'll put you down, you son of a bitch!
- Ugh.
- Ew!
To reiterate, I love you all very much!
I forgot the fucking tapes
that'll bring me peace.
Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!
Goddamn Ed. My whole fucking life.
I did some thinking about my life today.
Oh, great. Tell me more wisdom, Dad.
What name did you shit out now?
After I lost my store,
I was like a dead man,
drunk, running from failure.
But one year ago today,
June 23, 1970,
I started my job
selling typewriter ribbon.
At that moment,
my life had a purpose again.
Now that I'm working,
I have a reason to live.
Fuck you!
I have a job, and it sucks,
you fucking dead dope.
♪ Your big brother Kevin's
Gonna die alone ♪
♪ And maybe Bill too ♪
Hey, what are you doing?
This is a sad song.
You're not supposed to laugh, you baby.
Oh, it's so sweet that Megan loves you,
which is perfect, because I need you
to watch her for a couple hours
while I take Bill and Maureen shopping.
Don't "ugh" me.
I have to get the special
7.5-ply toilet paper Grandma Nora likes.
And watching Megan
will help you take your mind off Alice.
I know. Dad told me to give her space.
A hundred yards of space.
She has a restraining order against you.
So does the temple. Oh.
Thanks, you're a darling.
Also, stay away from the butcher.
I think he's Jewish!
Mommy, I think Daddy's friend
melted into our couch.
Don't you worry. He's leaving today.
Or your father is.
Georgia! We can't throw him out
when he's in this kind of trouble.
Gangsters are after him.
He's a human being!
Thank you again for your hospitality.
You won't even know I'm here.
Okay, that's one sock on.
Now for the hard one.
Ol' lefty.
He'll be gone
by the time you get back from church.
Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!
Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!
Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!
Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!
Sorry, Ed.
That's okay, Frank.
We all waited in silence
for you to arrive.
I've called you all in to tell you that,
unfortunately, our profits have gone down
since the merger.
It turns out the ad campaign
announcing our new identity
had a negative effect on sales.
♪ Rising together, meeting in midair ♪
♪ Never gonna land ♪
♪ Ala-Hican! ♪
♪ We're on fire! ♪
Kids fly free!
In retrospect, it was a mistake
to give Mr. Stanley Kubrick
creative carte blanche.
The upshot is we won't be getting
any Christmas bonuses this year.
Oh! What? Come on!
Ed, why did you call us in
on a Sunday morning just to tell us this?
Well, I didn't want anyone
to start spending their bonus money.
Guess who's Joe Namath now?
What?
Oh, I love this time of year.
The lights, the tree, the Nativity scene.
Cool. Baby Jesus is feeding the hungry.
Uh, yeah... Why don't you go in here
and get something for your father, hmm?
Um, at the adult diaper store?
Just stay out of trouble. I have to...
Apologize to Uncle Louis
for lying to him at Thanksgiving?
I wouldn't exactly say it was lying.
Which is a lie.
Hi-ya!
Arigatou gozaimashita.
Arigatou gozaimashita.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck.
Let's buy something cheap for Dad
and split the rest on candy.
Later, loser.
Hey, Jesse!
Billy, am I glad to see you!
You want to yell at cars for a minute
while I take a mother of a piss?
Do I?!
Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.
Piss, piss, piss, piss, piss, piss, piss.
I have my doubts about your divinity,
but that doesn't mean a crow
should eat your face.
I hope this evil eye
gives you peace, Baby Jesus.
Ah, come on. It's Christmas!
What are we supposed to do?
I am fucked.
I keep the receipts when I get a burger
but not this?
It's pure capybara!
Fellas, I have good news.
I conveyed your justified bellyaching
to management,
and they said
whoever can come up with an idea
to repair our image and boost profits
will get the full Christmas bonus
and a promotion.
So, even if this works,
only one of us will do okay?
The rest can go screw?
In the immortal words of Gandhi, "Yes."
- That's bullshit!
- What?
I don't know how many times
you want me to say it,
but I'm so sorry I lied to you.
Can you ever forgive me?
Or at least acknowledge
that I'm talking to you?
You know, you really hurt me.
It was only because I love you
and I wanted everything to be okay
with our family again.
I don't want to go another 15 years
without us talking.
I am so, so sorry that I...
Okay, Sue. You can stop.
You forgive me?
A little.
But mostly because my next class starts
in five minutes
and I need to get you
the hell out of here.
I'll take it.
And I'm sorry about Thanksgiving too.
I shouldn't have called Frank
a balding piece of shit.
It was the balding part
that upset him most.
He didn't know.
Hey, do you want to come
to our Christmas party?
We could have eggnog
and get into another screaming fight.
Sure, I'll come to your Christmas party.
Oh, that's wonderful!
Sue! You're fucking my sensei?
Does Frank know about this,
or are we keeping it on the hush-hush,
like the bald thing?
Vic, she's my sister.
Sensei Lou is your brother?
Oh man.
I knew you weren't Japanese, man.
Wait, are you
one of those Caucasian Japanese,
like the guest stars on Hawaii Five-O?
Vic is my neighbor.
Oh, you're the drug addict
Sue has told me so much about.
And you're the hot piece of ass
who raises the shit out of her kids!
Thank you, Vic.
You earned it.
Girl, you know you're fine.
If I was a biscuit and you was gravy,
I'd sop you.
Mm.
She's been teaching me and my friends
all about parenting.
She's like a sensei for babies.
I'm glad you're finding a path.
Well, I mean, it's fun,
but I wouldn't call it a path.
I tell you, Sue,
you should start a business.
You could make some real money.
Tiger guy money! You know what I'm saying?
I don't know. Where would I do it?
Well, how about here?
There's plenty of open space,
it's all padded,
and I don't have any classes
Monday and Wednesday afternoons.
And none of my friends have real jobs!
Let's do this!
That's the death house
where the lady killed her husband.
That's Mr. Goomer's house.
Blech.
If your underwear goes missing, it's him.
Also, if you go missing, it's him.
You're gonna have so much fun
growing up in this neighborhood.
Well, it looks like
we all had a really good day.
I gave Baby Jesus his eye back!
And I got that nickel out of Megan's ear!
Okay, not listening, in a Christmas mood.
Frank, we just had the most...
Okay, okay, airplane roulette.
You find out where you're going
when you get there.
No, uh, guaranteed sober pilots.
No, I'd never get that past the union.
Uh, come on, Frank! Come on, Frank.
Think! Think!
Frank, are you all right?
Does it look like I'm all right?
The airline's going down the shitter!
Oh no.
And the only chance
to get my Christmas bonus
is to come up with some brilliant idea
to save everything.
And I got this asshole
telling me how great work is.
Buster Thunder Junior
has vowed to come back!
Turn that shit off! I'm trying to think!
It wouldn't bother you
if I had a TV in my room.
You won't be bothering me in ten minutes
when I put my foot up your ass!
Harrah's Reno is a coward.
My last jump was watched
by pret' near 40 million people.
Charles Bronson in person on every flight.
Nah, that doesn't make sense!
I'll be ready to go on Christmas Eve.
The contract with the TV network
is already signed.
I will come to your town
and jump whatever the hell you set up.
You name it!
Oh my God.
I need the action!
And I need morphine.
I can feel my legs!
That's it.
Ah, I just got the idea!
I'll get my bonus now!
Sue, I'm gonna save Ala-Hican!
And I just saved Christmas!
Well, we would've had
a good Christmas anyway.
With just the family?
It would've sucked, Sue, but I saved it!
And the key to happiness
did come from my job.
My dad was right!
That wonderful man!
Get over here, you dead bastard! Mwah!
Maybe he was right about everything!
I'm gonna go take a shit
and see what it spells!
Ed, I got it.
The big idea to get our profits up.
I'm all ears.
Well, if that were true,
I'd be some sort of monster.
I have two ears,
but they are both listening to you.
Good. Get a load of this.
We get Buster Thunder Junior
to jump one of our 747s here, on live TV.
It'll be a free commercial for Ala-Hican.
On Christmas Eve, 50 million Americans
will be talking about
how exciting this airline is
and not about
our horrific midair collision.
Unless we have a midair collision
between now and then.
But the odds of that are fifty-fifty.
I'll take that action! Great idea, Murphy!
It's gonna be one hell
of a Merry Christmas.
♪ Jing-jingaling, sing caroling ♪
♪ Jesus is king, yeah! ♪
♪ Love and joy come to you ♪
♪ And a Merry Christmas too ♪
♪ And God bless you
And send you a ring-a-ding-ding New Year ♪
♪ And go cuckoo
'Cause Christmastime is here ♪
♪ Yeah, get happy ♪
♪ 'Cause Christmastime ♪
♪ Is here! ♪
♪ Look out, ol' Saint Nick is back ♪
♪ Ah, Jack! ♪
Bouncing on the balls really soothes them,
and it gives you time to watch TV.
Let's end with another song
from Kangaroo Kevin.
It's a happy song I wrote for you guys.
It's called "Baby Bong Bong."
I hope you like it.
♪ Baby bong bong ♪
♪ Baby bong bong ♪
♪ What do you make me see? ♪
Thank you, baby class!
♪ A cloud and a purple banana ♪
- What?
- ♪ And a two-headed monkey in a tree ♪
Aw, damn.
I was just about to go in there
and restock the candy bars!
The fuck I'm gonna do
with all these Charleston Chews?
That fucking mayor's only doing this
to get back at me for standing up to him.
Who the hell told you to do that?
You did, when you voted for me!
I don't vote anymore.
That's how they get you.
They lock you in that booth, and they
give you the ol' Tuskegee one-two!
Man, you're paranoid.
I know! They gave me syphilis!
Well, what in the hell
we gonna do about this mayor?
I have a plan.
Ah! Oh my God, he's real?
I thought it was the ghost of Mama Cass.
I get that a lot.
I want to help you.
And you can help me.
We have mutual enemies.
Like booths in restaurants
where the table doesn't move,
the mayor is in cahoots
with the mobsters trying to kill me.
Cahoots? You just don't throw
that kind of word around.
Oh, cahoots they are in.
But we can un-hoot them if we team up,
like peanut butter and jelly
or peanut butter and bacon
or peanut butter and chitlins
or peanut butter...
You better stop me
before I open another restaurant.
Hmm?
My God.
That's where I got married.
What's the point? We can't win.
Sorry, Pogo, but I'm done with you,
and I'm done fighting.
I'm taking my kid to the mall
to meet Santa Claus.
He's a fat man who can't help me either,
but at least he gives out candy canes.
Peanut butter and candy canes.
Ooh.
Ah, we're doing a lot better
this Christmas than last year.
I'm getting my bonus,
thanks to my big idea,
and everyone's signing up for Sue's class!
It's incredible how many parents
have no idea what the fuck they're doing.
This could be the start
of something big for me.
And it's all thanks to Louis
letting me use his dojo.
Where is Louis?
He's over there, getting "Throatered."
Is there a Mrs. Karate Instructor?
I'm gay.
Aw.
Well, even on Christmas?
- Especially on Christmas.
- Hm.
- Hey, Ev.
- Hi.
Listen, I was thinking
about going to the bathroom. Inside.
It's too late for that.
What will it take?
A Christmas miracle.
I'm trying, Ev! Don't give up on me!
Francis, what a fun party.
You have such wonderful friends.
Thanks, Ma.
It's amazing how you managed
to cram them all into this tiny house.
Don't shit on Frank's tiny house, Ma.
Yours is no Taj Mahal.
Well, it'd be roomier
if you ever found a man and got married.
I'm working on it!
Yeah, some work. You haven't had
a date in a year. I say work harder.
You punks are here
because you broke the law.
Stick with us, and maybe
you'll be a success like Bill Murphy.
Or you could keep being thugs
and earn a one-way ticket here
with these hardened prisoners.
You mess with Nguyen-Nguyen, you are dead.
Don't believe me? Ask husband.
Oh, that's right, you can't. I killed him.
Oh, you make
a pee-pee in your pants, big man?
Wait till I make you act out Kojak
with me.
"The Strange Case
of the Disappearing Lollipop."
It go in your ass.
♪ Bearing gifts, we traverse afar ♪
♪ Field and fountain, moor and mountain ♪
♪ Following yonder star ♪
♪ Oh, oh ♪
♪ Star of wonder, star of night ♪
♪ Star of royal beauty bright ♪
He creeps me out,
but I'm getting goosebumps on my balls.
Oh.
♪ Guide us to thy ♪
♪ Perfect light ♪
That's the man I married.
I love you, Walter Bartnett.
I love you, Mary Margaret.
Aw.
What?
That was fun, Daddy.
How come Santa Claus was white?
Because the mall
is on the other side of the bridge, baby.
Damn it.
Just stay still
and don't say a word, honey.
Evening, Officer.
You're far from home. You lost?
No, we just went to see Santa Claus
at the mall.
I'm Alderman Roosevelt, by the way.
Alderman Roosevelt?
What is that,
some kind of Duke Ellington shit?
No. I'm a city alderman.
I represent the Twelfth Ward.
Well, this is the First Ward, Alderman.
Come on, man. We really gonna do this?
Wanna step out of the car, big man?
Hands on the trunk.
I know the drill.
Just like the last 15 times.
Well, here's a twist,
sit on the curb.
Mayor Tangenti told us
to send you his regards.
Yeah, I'm, uh, downtown.
It's okay, honey.
Let's go home.
Tangenti's gonna love us.
Bill, that's how you make captain.
All right, let's get Billy home.
He's had enough Christmas cheer
for one night.
♪ Fa, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la ♪
♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪
♪ Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
♪ Troll the ancient yuletide carol ♪
Ah, Christ.
- ♪ Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
- My fucking life.
♪ Silent night ♪
♪ Holy night ♪
♪ All is calm... ♪
I've struck out with every man here.
I don't know why. You're so pretty.
I can barely see your mustache.
Aw.
Thank you!
♪ ...child ♪
- ♪ Holy infant so tender and mild... ♪
- ♪ Pussy! ♪
She had a baby in a manger,
and it was silent?
- Must've been a man who wrote that.
- Well, that's right.
- We have no empathy.
- Mm-hmm.
Ooh! Sue, look at that. It's almost eight.
I got to run to the airport and go over
things for Buster Thunder's jump tomorrow.
I know. You told me. It's fine.
Is it really?
Or is this one of these times
where you say, "It's fine,"
but later, when I get home,
you won't let me sleep in the bed?
Frank, I'm serious. I understand.
Tomorrow's your big day. Go.
You know what? You know...
You know what? You know what?
Like I said, I don't know what,
but I am dying to find out!
Guys, guys, I'm so sorry,
but I'm needed at the airport.
Your old man is going to go meet
Buster Thunder.
Junior? He's the coolest!
You're leaving your mother
who came all the way from California?
Well, I guess that airport
spent all day giving birth to you
with a fourth-degree tear
from that giant head of yours.
Fourth-degree? Ha! You had it easy!
I put my mommy in a coma.
Mom, I got to go. I'm an important man.
Oh, you're acting
just like your father right now.
He used to leave on Christmas too,
because he was an important man.
"The Polio King."
I had polio.
Hey, you leave Dad alone.
I'm not gonna stand here
and listen to you tear him down.
You hated your father! Are you forgetting
he beat you with a crutch?
Just that once!
Rest of the time he used a belt.
Why are you defending him?
Okay, yeah.
He was a real son of a bitch to me.
But he spent his last minutes on Earth
trying to set things right between us.
He was finally looking out for me.
He was telling me
that a man's work gives him purpose.
So I'm going to the airport now.
That's my purpose, Mom!
You're gonna just leave your kids
on the third holiest night of the year?
- I don't care.
- We want him to go.
Yeah, he's a time bomb.
See, Ma? They get me!
Merry fucking Christmas.
I am so glad I came.
Ah! Jesus Christ!
Frank, you'll never guess
what I just discovered about myself.
I kind of guessed it when I met you.
Out of my car!
You know what the best part
of the pigeon is, don't you?
If you say "skin" one more time,
I'll cut you open and sleep inside you.
- Pogo.
- Rosie?
I remember why I tried
to make this town better.
I want to crush that fucking mayor.
I knew you'd come around, Rosie.
And you're just in time.
We get our revenge tomorrow.
The plan is all laid out.
Count me in. What are we doing?
Tomorrow, when Buster Thunder
jumps that airplane,
we're gonna use his national TV audience
to present evidence that will take
the mayor and Gagliardi down.
That's amazing! Evidence from who?
I'm Jim Jeffords, and I've got the scoop
and the bubonic plague.
Oh shit.
♪ Love and joy come to you ♪
♪ And a Merry Christmas too ♪
♪ And God bless you
And send you a ring-a-ding-ding New Year ♪
♪ And go cuckoo
'Cause Christmastime is here ♪
♪ Yeah, get happy 'cause Christmastime ♪
♪ Is here! ♪
♪ Look out, ol' Saint Nick is back ♪
♪ Ah, Jack! ♪