F Is for Family (2015–…): Season 5, Episode 1 - The Mahogany Fortress - full transcript
[Frank] Dad?
Dad!
- Dad! I got one on the line!
- I'll help you, son.
- [Frank grunting]
- Ooh. Ooh.
Jeez, Dad, you're still strong as a bull.
Oh, it takes more than a coronary
to stop me.
Those doctors can shove
that pacemaker right up their ass.
Is that how they put it in you?
[both laugh]
- I'm surprised you didn't ask for two!
- [coughs and laughs]
Ah.
I am so glad we have this time now
to patch things up between us.
I really thought
I was gonna lose you before
we had a chance to get to know each other.
Are you crying, Francine?
- No, I'm just...
- I'll give you something to cry about.
- What?
- I'm gonna die on you now.
[alarm blaring]
No!
Oh, for corn sakes, we're losing him.
- Come on, do something!
- I am, Mr. Murphy.
Ah, the fuck you are!
When Colt Luger died,
they shoved a still-beating monkey heart
down his throat, and he was fine!
[doctor] Clear!
[gasps]
- Frank...
- Dad, what is it? What do you want to say?
Hey, hey, Frank, look at this!
I created a life!
Not now, Vic.
Dad, what are you trying to say?
[gasping] I...
And this little dude is all Vic, man.
He'll need extra-large diapers,
if you get my drift.
[chuckles] You'll be seeing him
in Times Square, man.
I'm saying
he's got a big ol' honking ass...
Will you shut the fuck up?
- Frank... [gasps] Frank...
- [monitor beeping]
What is it, Dad?
What are you trying to tell me?
Box 16.
Box 16. What the fuck does that mean?
[monitor flatlining]
[nurse] We lost him.
Oh, no, you can't die
and leave me with that!
- Get up! Get up, you son of a bitch!
- [nurse] Oh!
- Dad, no! Stop hurting Grandpa!
- [Frank grunting]
Shut up! [grunts]
I'm helping him!
[Bill] Holy shit, Dad's crying.
[Frank] I am not crying! You are! [grunts]
Your father's not always like this.
[Frank] I will put you
through that fucking divider curtain!
["Come and Get Your Love"
by Redbone playing]
♪ Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love now ♪
♪ Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love now ♪
- [grunts, screaming]
- ♪ Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love
Come and get your love now ♪
- [crashing]
- ♪ Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love
Come and get your love now ♪
[boom]
[chuckles]
He must've posed for this
between beatings.
Frank, we better leave
for the funeral home.
- The viewing starts in half an hour.
- Beautiful! Let's do it!
Frank, you don't have to be strong.
You'll be going through
a lot of different feelings
over these next few days.
The grieving process is complicated.
Well, is relief part of the process?
[chuckling] 'Cause I feel
like I just finished my taxes.
Frank, you must be feeling
some kind of sadness.
Nah, it's like eating a bologna sandwich
on white bread with no mustard.
I know I'm chewing something,
but there's no taste.
And when I belch later,
it won't remind me of anything.
If you say so.
I do say so. Did the people
of Whoville cry when the Grinch died?
The Grinch didn't die.
Everyone loved him
after he opened his heart.
- I don't remember that.
- That's because you turned off the TV
in the middle, saying, "This green
cocksucker reminds me of my dad."
Oh, I was having fun.
All right, let's put
that miserable bastard in the ground.
[chuckles] God help the trees
around his burial plot, Sue.
They'll be on a shrink's couch
by the end of the week.
Yet another stunt
by daredevil Buster Thunder Junior
has ended in disaster.
Warning,
the replay is graphic, disturbing,
and has been slowed down
for optimal viewing.
[Ernie] If there are
small children nearby, put them up front
so they don't miss the wet sound
of his face scraping the asphalt.
- [squelch]
- [all] Ah!
Oh, shit! I think I saw his balls
fly out his nutsack!
Watch your mouth, Bill. I don't want
your sister hearing that language.
- Oh, I'm used to it, Daddy. You...
- [baby coos]
Oh, you meant her.
Oh, honey, you're still my princess.
But now you're a co-princess.
Like Mike Douglas has a cohost.
That's a very important job.
You're Marty Allen. Never forget that.
Are we still having my birthday party
at the bowling alley on Sunday?
What? When did I say we were doing that?
Tuesday, after you came back
from talking to the funeral home man.
Aw, jeez, I've been a little out of it.
You were really sad on Tuesday.
I was not. Christ, can't a man
just stare at his shoes?
[sighs] It's almost a quarter of. She said
she'd come over to watch the baby.
[Nana Rose]
I've been sitting here for an hour!
I've monsooned
through three sheets of the plastic!
[babbling]
Oh, I'll-a take-a good care of
this beautiful little piece of prosciutt
with some-a help
from my little assistant, Anthony.
I want a Lite-Brite
and a Buster Thunder Junior doll
and some nasty-ass pussy!
Thank you, Santy Claus.
Jerry Lewis shows us
his firearm collection,
tonight after
an all-new two-hour Colt Luger TV movie,
with special guest stars the LA Lakers
and former First Lady Pat Nixon!
Ah, and the worst part of all of this
is I got to miss Colt.
All right, here we go.
The sooner we get to the funeral parlor,
the quicker it'll be over.
[all] Trick or treat!
Holy shit!
- Ow!
- [kids scream]
Man, this house sucks!
That's two years in a row!
- [kids laughing]
- [Maureen groans]
I can't believe I have to miss out
on Halloween again. It stinks.
Yeah. I wish I was chucking eggs
at our house.
- [Otto] Oh, ja, it is a very sad day.
- Yeah, he was such a... such a nice man.
He looks so old.
- He looks like Dad with lipstick.
- [scoffs] Except he's smiling.
Maybe when you die,
you'll smile too, Daddy.
- Ear to ear, honey.
- Nobody else is dying!
Mr. Murphy, your father
would be proud to know that you chose
the Mahogany Fortress X-Five-Hundred,
the sturdiest coffin on the market.
Jesus Christ himself
couldn't walk out of this baby.
If He was buried in it, we'd all be Jews!
[chuckles]
Worth every penny.
A whole shitload of pennies.
Yes, well,
there's no perfect time to do this,
but... here's your invoice.
Oh, sweet Jesus. Christ, why didn't we
just have him fucking bronzed?
That is still an option.
Mommy, where's Grandpa Bill now?
He's right in front of you, idiot.
- [grunts]
- [groans]
Mom, tell her to cut it out!
Both of you, stop it!
Grandpa's in heaven, honey.
Actually, because he didn't receive
the sacrament of last rites
before he died,
your grandfather's soul
is trapped in purgatory,
where every second
is like a hundred years of our time.
He's in purgatory? That's awful!
Yes, but he can get out with prayer.
That's better than limbo,
where unbaptized dead babies languish
just out of God's grace for all eternity.
- Sue, this guy is fucking me.
- Mom, is Grandpa trapped forever?
Mom, can I take my tie off?
It's turning my neck green.
Disposal fee?
I mean, that's what this whole thing is!
Ah, Christ, does the town pool charge you
for getting wet?
Mom, can we eat the food here,
or is it going in Grandpa's grave?
Guys, please! I am trying to pray.
I could use a quiet moment.
[Ginny] Oh, Murphys? Sad Murphys?
[all] Oh, fuck me.
Oh, Sue! Come to my arms!
Ginny, I have to step outside.
I'm feeling sick.
Aw, that's what Greg used to say
when I'd get out of the shower.
- Oh, hi, Sue. What are you...
- Janet, thank you so much for coming.
I know Frank will appreciate it,
but I need to get some air. Sorry.
Damn. I could get right with the IRS
if I had her.
Hands off!
We're in the PTA together.
Pussy, Tits, and Ass?
Y'all better not be trying
to unionize on me!
Corkage fee?
Uh, heya, Frank. Going through
a complicated range of emotions?
[Frank] I'm fine, Goom.
Yeah, I was conflicted when I lost my dad.
He got fried when he leaned
on the electric fence he made me piss on.
Ah, bittersweet.
That's how he smelled when it was over.
Leave me alone. I'm fine!
You poor, sad man.
I forgive you for the pants.
Uh... thank you?
So as long as a priest
gives you last rites before you die,
you can do any kind of crap
and still go to heaven?
Everything's forgiven,
except questioning
the rules of forgiveness.
Ugh, I wasted 12 years being good!
Guess what? It's Ash Thursday.
Ah! Ow, there was a lit one in there!
Oh, you're dead!
[yells, crying]
[chuckles] Still wish we'd had kids?
Every moment of every day. [whimpers]
[chuckles]
Ah, that Evelyn, always the joker.
[Evelyn] Baby!
[panting]
I'm gonna kill you!
[Maureen] Holy shit.
This is no place
for an alive little girl to be.
Ah, I'm here for my grandpa's funeral,
and my psycho brother wants to beat me up.
Can I hide with you till he goes away?
Well, I'm doing
some, eh, not-so-pleasant things in here.
I'm not scared.
I've seen dead bodies before.
A guy blew up in front of me
at the airport once.
Ah, yes, that Dunbarton boy.
I was handed a big bag of soup that day.
Went through two whole buckets
of Head Hamburger.
Uh... cool.
Your father was a wonderful man.
The very first thing he said to me was,
"I don't believe you guys have horns
under your little hats."
Oh yeah, he was a peach.
A shitty, rotten peach
that beat me with a crutch.
Don't listen to him.
- Hey, Dad.
- Kevin.
You know, I've been doing
some heavy thinking since Grandpa died,
and I wonder, is there a place in
the cemetery where I can plug in my amp?
- What?
- And... and is there money in the budget
to get suits
for the other guys in the band?
What the fuck are you talking about?
You know, for the song you commissioned me
to sing at the cemetery tomorrow.
- When the hell did I do that?
- On Tuesday!
- Oh, fucking Tuesday.
- You said you were proud of me!
Aw, now you're just making shit up!
I even figured out how to write a bridge.
Fucking cock-knob.
- Oh, hey, Mom.
- I wasn't doing anything.
- What's happening?
- The guy you married is a dildo.
Ugh, Kevin, can you just...
You need to go back in there
and remind him
that he specifically asked me
to write a rocking, uplifting anthem,
"Sky Grandpa."
- And I did...
- Kevin! No!
- But Mom!
- Give your dad a break, okay?
He's going through a lot right now.
He just lost his father.
We all need to set aside our own feelings
and be there for him.
So... are you gonna talk to him
about my song or what?
Kevin, come closer so I can hit you.
Maureen, I've got a surprise
for your face!
[clattering]
Oh, Dad,
I found one of those dead guy suits!
Business in the front,
bathroom in the back!
- That's my boy!
- Hey, Jimmy. Whatcha doing?
Early Christmas shopping.
Wanna hop in and get some dead guy shoes?
Nah, I better keep my clothes nice.
My dad's returning them on Monday
to Irregular Discount Circus of Savings.
Dad, I found
one of those fucking dead dogs
rich ladies wear around their necks.
- Oh. Hi, Bill.
- Hey.
When are you gonna realize
what you lost in me?
- I don't care.
- Hey, I'm a catch!
My mom was a 36DD!
Fucking redheaded piece of shit.
I just found out that church is a scam.
You don't have to do good things as long
as you get last rites before you die.
Oh, yeah, I'm banking on that.
It's all about extreme unction.
I'm gonna be a priest.
- I thought you wanted to be a cop.
- I'm gonna be a cop and a priest.
That way I can fuck up all the shit I want
and then forgive myself.
They'll call me
"Officer Father Motherfucker"!
Hey, Dad, I found some apricot wine!
Whatever makes you forget, son.
Your dad was a great man. A saint.
Yeah, thanks. Thanks.
The word "Christlike"
gets thrown around a lot these days,
but Big Bill Murphy was...
[Frank thinking]
Ah, it's only ten after eight.
How much longer do I have to smile
and take this shit?
Big Bill told me
I could have his leg when he died.
It's the wrong size,
but the gesture alone was enough.
He was more of a dad to me
than my own dad.
He paid for my son's bus ticket
to basic training
and his casket coming home.
He was a million laughs at the lodge.
Always singing that beer jingle.
He was an unselfish lover.
He took a dump in the fish tank once
and said, "Look, Lake Erie!"
♪ Have a beer, drink a beer
Want a beer? White House Beer ♪
I could tell
he would've been an unselfish lover.
He gave me a great deal
on this little doozy.
Seven minutes? Fuck!
[sighs]
I'm sorry I snapped at you.
I just got so rattled back there.
I saw your grandfather in the casket,
and he looked like your dad.
And I just can't imagine life without him.
Wow, I never knew you loved Dad.
Jesus, Kevin!
- Why do you think I married him?
- I don't know, to make him stop yelling?
We love each other very much,
and it really upsets me
that you don't get along with him.
- Hmm, is that why you smoke?
- I don't smoke.
Come on, Mom. We all know.
Fine. There's one pack I keep
in the liver bowl in the refrigerator.
And in the toilet tank, uh,
the back of the clock, your Kotex box...
- Why were you in my Kotex box?
- I was looking for cigarettes.
One of you is a Russian spy.
[in Russian accent] Well, I will be
uncle of monkey. Let me at him!
[groaning]
Cancer sticks! Cancer sticks!
- [humming]
- [snoring]
Oh, Colt,
my long national nightmare is over.
Pardon this, Gerald Ford.
[both moaning]
Thanks for the tuna fish. I'm starving.
And there are some name-brand sodas
in that fridge.
- Ah!
- [chuckles]
All the rookies fall for that one.
That wasn't very nice to that man.
Oh, he doesn't know what I'm doing.
He's not really here.
Then where is he? And where's my grandpa?
That's a question that philosophers
have struggled over for centuries.
Some believe in heaven.
Some believe the spirit
is passed on to another living thing.
I do know that once this gentleman died,
he wasn't in this body anymore.
Because if he was, what I'm doing to him
would make me
one of history's greatest monsters.
Thanks. Can I stay
and watch what you do for a bit?
Well, I can't see the harm.
- ♪ Here comes necrotic gas ♪
- [gas squeaks]
Mom, you got to stop smoking!
If you die, you know what that means?
We'll be stuck with Dad.
We won't have a prayer.
I smoke when I'm worried,
and this family makes me a nervous wreck.
You not getting along with your father
is at the top of the list.
So I'll tell you what. I'll quit smoking
if you make an effort with your dad.
Okay, fine. I won't call him a dildo,
even when he's at his dildo-iest.
- Thank you.
- It'll be tough, but I'll do it.
Boy, you get along so great with your dad,
you're gonna have it easy when he dies.
- Spare a cigarette?
- Sure. There's a pack in my shirt pocket.
Hey, Frank.
Oh, am I glad to see you fellas.
I can't take any more people
kissing my dead dad's ass.
And I don't need
anyone's fucking sympathy.
Oh, Frank, let me engulf you
in the loose folds of my bad choices.
[sobs]
Life is so precious.
You got to live every day
like it's the last call
at the Chinatown Buffet.
They'll tell you
they're out of crab wontons,
but they're not!
They have more in the freezer.
They're just too lazy to thaw them out!
- Oh. Oh, okay, Bob.
- Yeah.
Bob is right. We have to live for today.
Yeah, fuck tomorrow!
It's all we have!
That's why I decided
I'm gonna live my dream
and open a restaurant
that only sells chicken skins.
"Skinnees!"
- How can you afford that?
- It's simple. Through treachery.
I encouraged Mrs. Dunbarton
to go ahead and sell Mohican to Alaquippa.
You what?
The deal closed yesterday.
You told her to sell it?
Bob, when we almost died on that plane,
you said you were gonna stop that sale.
I know.
But thanks to your dad dying suddenly,
it made me change my mind again.
- My dad?
- You fucked us, you son of a bitch!
Now, calm down. Let me finish.
You'll keep your jobs, working more hours
with lower pay and no benefits.
I'm gonna suffocate you
with your own neck,
you pelican-chinned motherfucker!
I thought you'd be more mature about this!
- Fuck you!
- You sold us out, you traitor!
[men grunting]
Why can't you be happy for me?
Well, Dad, 20 years of my life
just went out the window
all because you died.
So what? Now you're just gonna
keep fucking me from beyond the grave?
Frank, it's time.
Oh, thank the Son of God,
I can go home now.
Oh, no, it's time for you
to make your eulogy for your father.
- My what?
- We discussed this on the phone on...
Fucking Tuesday!
- Mr. Murphy, you can't go in there.
- The hell I can't!
Holy shit!
Show some respect
for our fallen soiled angel!
Sorry. Sorry.
Goddamn fucking bastard.
Fucking motherfucker.
Oh, honey.
Yeah, you can't swallow all that anger.
You gotta open up the car door
and spit it out.
Mind your own fucking business, all right?
- You don't know what I'm going through.
- Uh, I've been where you are.
I'm just getting over my father,
and he's been dead for 20 years.
Wow.
Hey, what did you do
to deal with your anger about him?
Oh, right. The whoring.
[kids] Trick or treat!
- Look at those pussies.
- [Bill] Yeah.
[indistinct chatter]
Fuck that baby shit.
Shouldn't you go back in there and pay
respects to your old man's old man?
I guess so. He was a dick though.
So? My mom was a douche,
but she still made me yummy sandwiches.
Family is all you got in this world.
Don't ever forget it,
or I'll rip you a new ass pucker!
We all said
she had a body that wouldn't quit,
but thanks to a crosstown bus, it did.
And he says, "Box 16."
What does that mean?
I mean, his last moment on Earth,
he makes me into Banacek.
Fucking know-it-all in a turtleneck.
Feeling that rage is
all part of the natural process, you know.
This book I found shoved
under the toilet sink in the county lockup
talks about the five stages of grief.
Right now, you're in stage two.
That's anger.
Oh, lady, I was born in stage two.
And now, we send him off...
[kisses]...with a kiss.
Thanks, Bobby. I'm not scared anymore.
I'm glad
I got to spend Halloween with you.
For me, every night is Halloween.
Here. Trick or treat.
- Whoa.
- [Bobby] Hoo.
Those things explode like cherry bombs
in a crematorium.
Grieving is painful,
but you gotta go through it
to get to the other side.
That means you gotta let that anger out.
There's no shame in being human.
Thank you.
- Need a hankie?
- No, I'm good.
- Plus, I don't know where that's been.
- Yeah, you do.
[organ music playing]
Dad, you selfish bastard.
You ruin my life, and then you die on me?
Goddamn you! Fuck you!
[Smokey] Man, fuck you!
I can be in this neighborhood!
This ain't no sundown county,
you redneck motherfucker!
Hey, Frank Murphy. Sorry for your loss.
- [tires squeal]
- [horn playing melody]
- Frank, are you...
- I am so much better, Sue.
A wise prostitute told me
it was okay to express my feelings.
[sighs] Sometimes I wonder why I try.
I've been asked to say
a few words about my dad.
Here it goes.
"William Francis Murphy
was born on March 14th, 1901
in Chinaman's Ferry."
♪ A celebration of life ♪
♪ Of a man who was mostly good ♪
♪ He's up in heaven now ♪
♪ Selling God hammers and wood ♪
♪ Goodbye, Sky Grandpa ♪
Thank you!
You've been a really sad crowd today.
You doing all right?
Aside from hearing that 20-minute song,
I'm fine.
- Maureen, your bowling party is back on.
- It was off?
[cheerful music playing]
[baby giggling]
Ah, one for you... and one for me
[inhales]
I'm ready to settle up on lane 14. Murphy.
All right. Sure thing.
Ah, there's gonna be an extra $20 charge
for the damage the diaper kid caused.
[grunts]
This here watermelon done gone bad!
Hey, no sweat. I'm in a good mood.
- And, oh yeah, your balls arrived.
- What balls?
The bowling balls you ordered on the 23rd.
Yeah, they just came in.
[chuckles]
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Oh.
Uh,
maybe a different Mr. Murphy ordered them.
- I'm not sure who it was.
- Me neither. [clears throat]
Whoever bought these,
I sure as hell don't know him.
[whistles] Wow.
They're gorgeous.
Uh, I guess some lucky guy and his dad
are gonna really love them.
You know, we have a father-and-son league
that bowls on Thursday, so...
[jarring piano notes play]
Why did you have to die?
[crying] We missed out on so much!
We were just about to fix it!
Ah! No!
[sobbing]
♪ He isn't much
In the eyes of the world... ♪
[Frank sobs] Dad!
Dad!
You fucking bastard!
[grunts]
♪ But he is the world to me ♪
♪ My dad ♪
♪ Now here is a man ♪
♪ To me, he is everything strong ♪
♪ No, he can't do wrong ♪
♪ My dad ♪
♪ My dad ♪
Dad!
- Dad! I got one on the line!
- I'll help you, son.
- [Frank grunting]
- Ooh. Ooh.
Jeez, Dad, you're still strong as a bull.
Oh, it takes more than a coronary
to stop me.
Those doctors can shove
that pacemaker right up their ass.
Is that how they put it in you?
[both laugh]
- I'm surprised you didn't ask for two!
- [coughs and laughs]
Ah.
I am so glad we have this time now
to patch things up between us.
I really thought
I was gonna lose you before
we had a chance to get to know each other.
Are you crying, Francine?
- No, I'm just...
- I'll give you something to cry about.
- What?
- I'm gonna die on you now.
[alarm blaring]
No!
Oh, for corn sakes, we're losing him.
- Come on, do something!
- I am, Mr. Murphy.
Ah, the fuck you are!
When Colt Luger died,
they shoved a still-beating monkey heart
down his throat, and he was fine!
[doctor] Clear!
[gasps]
- Frank...
- Dad, what is it? What do you want to say?
Hey, hey, Frank, look at this!
I created a life!
Not now, Vic.
Dad, what are you trying to say?
[gasping] I...
And this little dude is all Vic, man.
He'll need extra-large diapers,
if you get my drift.
[chuckles] You'll be seeing him
in Times Square, man.
I'm saying
he's got a big ol' honking ass...
Will you shut the fuck up?
- Frank... [gasps] Frank...
- [monitor beeping]
What is it, Dad?
What are you trying to tell me?
Box 16.
Box 16. What the fuck does that mean?
[monitor flatlining]
[nurse] We lost him.
Oh, no, you can't die
and leave me with that!
- Get up! Get up, you son of a bitch!
- [nurse] Oh!
- Dad, no! Stop hurting Grandpa!
- [Frank grunting]
Shut up! [grunts]
I'm helping him!
[Bill] Holy shit, Dad's crying.
[Frank] I am not crying! You are! [grunts]
Your father's not always like this.
[Frank] I will put you
through that fucking divider curtain!
["Come and Get Your Love"
by Redbone playing]
♪ Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love now ♪
♪ Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love now ♪
- [grunts, screaming]
- ♪ Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love
Come and get your love now ♪
- [crashing]
- ♪ Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love
Come and get your love now ♪
[boom]
[chuckles]
He must've posed for this
between beatings.
Frank, we better leave
for the funeral home.
- The viewing starts in half an hour.
- Beautiful! Let's do it!
Frank, you don't have to be strong.
You'll be going through
a lot of different feelings
over these next few days.
The grieving process is complicated.
Well, is relief part of the process?
[chuckling] 'Cause I feel
like I just finished my taxes.
Frank, you must be feeling
some kind of sadness.
Nah, it's like eating a bologna sandwich
on white bread with no mustard.
I know I'm chewing something,
but there's no taste.
And when I belch later,
it won't remind me of anything.
If you say so.
I do say so. Did the people
of Whoville cry when the Grinch died?
The Grinch didn't die.
Everyone loved him
after he opened his heart.
- I don't remember that.
- That's because you turned off the TV
in the middle, saying, "This green
cocksucker reminds me of my dad."
Oh, I was having fun.
All right, let's put
that miserable bastard in the ground.
[chuckles] God help the trees
around his burial plot, Sue.
They'll be on a shrink's couch
by the end of the week.
Yet another stunt
by daredevil Buster Thunder Junior
has ended in disaster.
Warning,
the replay is graphic, disturbing,
and has been slowed down
for optimal viewing.
[Ernie] If there are
small children nearby, put them up front
so they don't miss the wet sound
of his face scraping the asphalt.
- [squelch]
- [all] Ah!
Oh, shit! I think I saw his balls
fly out his nutsack!
Watch your mouth, Bill. I don't want
your sister hearing that language.
- Oh, I'm used to it, Daddy. You...
- [baby coos]
Oh, you meant her.
Oh, honey, you're still my princess.
But now you're a co-princess.
Like Mike Douglas has a cohost.
That's a very important job.
You're Marty Allen. Never forget that.
Are we still having my birthday party
at the bowling alley on Sunday?
What? When did I say we were doing that?
Tuesday, after you came back
from talking to the funeral home man.
Aw, jeez, I've been a little out of it.
You were really sad on Tuesday.
I was not. Christ, can't a man
just stare at his shoes?
[sighs] It's almost a quarter of. She said
she'd come over to watch the baby.
[Nana Rose]
I've been sitting here for an hour!
I've monsooned
through three sheets of the plastic!
[babbling]
Oh, I'll-a take-a good care of
this beautiful little piece of prosciutt
with some-a help
from my little assistant, Anthony.
I want a Lite-Brite
and a Buster Thunder Junior doll
and some nasty-ass pussy!
Thank you, Santy Claus.
Jerry Lewis shows us
his firearm collection,
tonight after
an all-new two-hour Colt Luger TV movie,
with special guest stars the LA Lakers
and former First Lady Pat Nixon!
Ah, and the worst part of all of this
is I got to miss Colt.
All right, here we go.
The sooner we get to the funeral parlor,
the quicker it'll be over.
[all] Trick or treat!
Holy shit!
- Ow!
- [kids scream]
Man, this house sucks!
That's two years in a row!
- [kids laughing]
- [Maureen groans]
I can't believe I have to miss out
on Halloween again. It stinks.
Yeah. I wish I was chucking eggs
at our house.
- [Otto] Oh, ja, it is a very sad day.
- Yeah, he was such a... such a nice man.
He looks so old.
- He looks like Dad with lipstick.
- [scoffs] Except he's smiling.
Maybe when you die,
you'll smile too, Daddy.
- Ear to ear, honey.
- Nobody else is dying!
Mr. Murphy, your father
would be proud to know that you chose
the Mahogany Fortress X-Five-Hundred,
the sturdiest coffin on the market.
Jesus Christ himself
couldn't walk out of this baby.
If He was buried in it, we'd all be Jews!
[chuckles]
Worth every penny.
A whole shitload of pennies.
Yes, well,
there's no perfect time to do this,
but... here's your invoice.
Oh, sweet Jesus. Christ, why didn't we
just have him fucking bronzed?
That is still an option.
Mommy, where's Grandpa Bill now?
He's right in front of you, idiot.
- [grunts]
- [groans]
Mom, tell her to cut it out!
Both of you, stop it!
Grandpa's in heaven, honey.
Actually, because he didn't receive
the sacrament of last rites
before he died,
your grandfather's soul
is trapped in purgatory,
where every second
is like a hundred years of our time.
He's in purgatory? That's awful!
Yes, but he can get out with prayer.
That's better than limbo,
where unbaptized dead babies languish
just out of God's grace for all eternity.
- Sue, this guy is fucking me.
- Mom, is Grandpa trapped forever?
Mom, can I take my tie off?
It's turning my neck green.
Disposal fee?
I mean, that's what this whole thing is!
Ah, Christ, does the town pool charge you
for getting wet?
Mom, can we eat the food here,
or is it going in Grandpa's grave?
Guys, please! I am trying to pray.
I could use a quiet moment.
[Ginny] Oh, Murphys? Sad Murphys?
[all] Oh, fuck me.
Oh, Sue! Come to my arms!
Ginny, I have to step outside.
I'm feeling sick.
Aw, that's what Greg used to say
when I'd get out of the shower.
- Oh, hi, Sue. What are you...
- Janet, thank you so much for coming.
I know Frank will appreciate it,
but I need to get some air. Sorry.
Damn. I could get right with the IRS
if I had her.
Hands off!
We're in the PTA together.
Pussy, Tits, and Ass?
Y'all better not be trying
to unionize on me!
Corkage fee?
Uh, heya, Frank. Going through
a complicated range of emotions?
[Frank] I'm fine, Goom.
Yeah, I was conflicted when I lost my dad.
He got fried when he leaned
on the electric fence he made me piss on.
Ah, bittersweet.
That's how he smelled when it was over.
Leave me alone. I'm fine!
You poor, sad man.
I forgive you for the pants.
Uh... thank you?
So as long as a priest
gives you last rites before you die,
you can do any kind of crap
and still go to heaven?
Everything's forgiven,
except questioning
the rules of forgiveness.
Ugh, I wasted 12 years being good!
Guess what? It's Ash Thursday.
Ah! Ow, there was a lit one in there!
Oh, you're dead!
[yells, crying]
[chuckles] Still wish we'd had kids?
Every moment of every day. [whimpers]
[chuckles]
Ah, that Evelyn, always the joker.
[Evelyn] Baby!
[panting]
I'm gonna kill you!
[Maureen] Holy shit.
This is no place
for an alive little girl to be.
Ah, I'm here for my grandpa's funeral,
and my psycho brother wants to beat me up.
Can I hide with you till he goes away?
Well, I'm doing
some, eh, not-so-pleasant things in here.
I'm not scared.
I've seen dead bodies before.
A guy blew up in front of me
at the airport once.
Ah, yes, that Dunbarton boy.
I was handed a big bag of soup that day.
Went through two whole buckets
of Head Hamburger.
Uh... cool.
Your father was a wonderful man.
The very first thing he said to me was,
"I don't believe you guys have horns
under your little hats."
Oh yeah, he was a peach.
A shitty, rotten peach
that beat me with a crutch.
Don't listen to him.
- Hey, Dad.
- Kevin.
You know, I've been doing
some heavy thinking since Grandpa died,
and I wonder, is there a place in
the cemetery where I can plug in my amp?
- What?
- And... and is there money in the budget
to get suits
for the other guys in the band?
What the fuck are you talking about?
You know, for the song you commissioned me
to sing at the cemetery tomorrow.
- When the hell did I do that?
- On Tuesday!
- Oh, fucking Tuesday.
- You said you were proud of me!
Aw, now you're just making shit up!
I even figured out how to write a bridge.
Fucking cock-knob.
- Oh, hey, Mom.
- I wasn't doing anything.
- What's happening?
- The guy you married is a dildo.
Ugh, Kevin, can you just...
You need to go back in there
and remind him
that he specifically asked me
to write a rocking, uplifting anthem,
"Sky Grandpa."
- And I did...
- Kevin! No!
- But Mom!
- Give your dad a break, okay?
He's going through a lot right now.
He just lost his father.
We all need to set aside our own feelings
and be there for him.
So... are you gonna talk to him
about my song or what?
Kevin, come closer so I can hit you.
Maureen, I've got a surprise
for your face!
[clattering]
Oh, Dad,
I found one of those dead guy suits!
Business in the front,
bathroom in the back!
- That's my boy!
- Hey, Jimmy. Whatcha doing?
Early Christmas shopping.
Wanna hop in and get some dead guy shoes?
Nah, I better keep my clothes nice.
My dad's returning them on Monday
to Irregular Discount Circus of Savings.
Dad, I found
one of those fucking dead dogs
rich ladies wear around their necks.
- Oh. Hi, Bill.
- Hey.
When are you gonna realize
what you lost in me?
- I don't care.
- Hey, I'm a catch!
My mom was a 36DD!
Fucking redheaded piece of shit.
I just found out that church is a scam.
You don't have to do good things as long
as you get last rites before you die.
Oh, yeah, I'm banking on that.
It's all about extreme unction.
I'm gonna be a priest.
- I thought you wanted to be a cop.
- I'm gonna be a cop and a priest.
That way I can fuck up all the shit I want
and then forgive myself.
They'll call me
"Officer Father Motherfucker"!
Hey, Dad, I found some apricot wine!
Whatever makes you forget, son.
Your dad was a great man. A saint.
Yeah, thanks. Thanks.
The word "Christlike"
gets thrown around a lot these days,
but Big Bill Murphy was...
[Frank thinking]
Ah, it's only ten after eight.
How much longer do I have to smile
and take this shit?
Big Bill told me
I could have his leg when he died.
It's the wrong size,
but the gesture alone was enough.
He was more of a dad to me
than my own dad.
He paid for my son's bus ticket
to basic training
and his casket coming home.
He was a million laughs at the lodge.
Always singing that beer jingle.
He was an unselfish lover.
He took a dump in the fish tank once
and said, "Look, Lake Erie!"
♪ Have a beer, drink a beer
Want a beer? White House Beer ♪
I could tell
he would've been an unselfish lover.
He gave me a great deal
on this little doozy.
Seven minutes? Fuck!
[sighs]
I'm sorry I snapped at you.
I just got so rattled back there.
I saw your grandfather in the casket,
and he looked like your dad.
And I just can't imagine life without him.
Wow, I never knew you loved Dad.
Jesus, Kevin!
- Why do you think I married him?
- I don't know, to make him stop yelling?
We love each other very much,
and it really upsets me
that you don't get along with him.
- Hmm, is that why you smoke?
- I don't smoke.
Come on, Mom. We all know.
Fine. There's one pack I keep
in the liver bowl in the refrigerator.
And in the toilet tank, uh,
the back of the clock, your Kotex box...
- Why were you in my Kotex box?
- I was looking for cigarettes.
One of you is a Russian spy.
[in Russian accent] Well, I will be
uncle of monkey. Let me at him!
[groaning]
Cancer sticks! Cancer sticks!
- [humming]
- [snoring]
Oh, Colt,
my long national nightmare is over.
Pardon this, Gerald Ford.
[both moaning]
Thanks for the tuna fish. I'm starving.
And there are some name-brand sodas
in that fridge.
- Ah!
- [chuckles]
All the rookies fall for that one.
That wasn't very nice to that man.
Oh, he doesn't know what I'm doing.
He's not really here.
Then where is he? And where's my grandpa?
That's a question that philosophers
have struggled over for centuries.
Some believe in heaven.
Some believe the spirit
is passed on to another living thing.
I do know that once this gentleman died,
he wasn't in this body anymore.
Because if he was, what I'm doing to him
would make me
one of history's greatest monsters.
Thanks. Can I stay
and watch what you do for a bit?
Well, I can't see the harm.
- ♪ Here comes necrotic gas ♪
- [gas squeaks]
Mom, you got to stop smoking!
If you die, you know what that means?
We'll be stuck with Dad.
We won't have a prayer.
I smoke when I'm worried,
and this family makes me a nervous wreck.
You not getting along with your father
is at the top of the list.
So I'll tell you what. I'll quit smoking
if you make an effort with your dad.
Okay, fine. I won't call him a dildo,
even when he's at his dildo-iest.
- Thank you.
- It'll be tough, but I'll do it.
Boy, you get along so great with your dad,
you're gonna have it easy when he dies.
- Spare a cigarette?
- Sure. There's a pack in my shirt pocket.
Hey, Frank.
Oh, am I glad to see you fellas.
I can't take any more people
kissing my dead dad's ass.
And I don't need
anyone's fucking sympathy.
Oh, Frank, let me engulf you
in the loose folds of my bad choices.
[sobs]
Life is so precious.
You got to live every day
like it's the last call
at the Chinatown Buffet.
They'll tell you
they're out of crab wontons,
but they're not!
They have more in the freezer.
They're just too lazy to thaw them out!
- Oh. Oh, okay, Bob.
- Yeah.
Bob is right. We have to live for today.
Yeah, fuck tomorrow!
It's all we have!
That's why I decided
I'm gonna live my dream
and open a restaurant
that only sells chicken skins.
"Skinnees!"
- How can you afford that?
- It's simple. Through treachery.
I encouraged Mrs. Dunbarton
to go ahead and sell Mohican to Alaquippa.
You what?
The deal closed yesterday.
You told her to sell it?
Bob, when we almost died on that plane,
you said you were gonna stop that sale.
I know.
But thanks to your dad dying suddenly,
it made me change my mind again.
- My dad?
- You fucked us, you son of a bitch!
Now, calm down. Let me finish.
You'll keep your jobs, working more hours
with lower pay and no benefits.
I'm gonna suffocate you
with your own neck,
you pelican-chinned motherfucker!
I thought you'd be more mature about this!
- Fuck you!
- You sold us out, you traitor!
[men grunting]
Why can't you be happy for me?
Well, Dad, 20 years of my life
just went out the window
all because you died.
So what? Now you're just gonna
keep fucking me from beyond the grave?
Frank, it's time.
Oh, thank the Son of God,
I can go home now.
Oh, no, it's time for you
to make your eulogy for your father.
- My what?
- We discussed this on the phone on...
Fucking Tuesday!
- Mr. Murphy, you can't go in there.
- The hell I can't!
Holy shit!
Show some respect
for our fallen soiled angel!
Sorry. Sorry.
Goddamn fucking bastard.
Fucking motherfucker.
Oh, honey.
Yeah, you can't swallow all that anger.
You gotta open up the car door
and spit it out.
Mind your own fucking business, all right?
- You don't know what I'm going through.
- Uh, I've been where you are.
I'm just getting over my father,
and he's been dead for 20 years.
Wow.
Hey, what did you do
to deal with your anger about him?
Oh, right. The whoring.
[kids] Trick or treat!
- Look at those pussies.
- [Bill] Yeah.
[indistinct chatter]
Fuck that baby shit.
Shouldn't you go back in there and pay
respects to your old man's old man?
I guess so. He was a dick though.
So? My mom was a douche,
but she still made me yummy sandwiches.
Family is all you got in this world.
Don't ever forget it,
or I'll rip you a new ass pucker!
We all said
she had a body that wouldn't quit,
but thanks to a crosstown bus, it did.
And he says, "Box 16."
What does that mean?
I mean, his last moment on Earth,
he makes me into Banacek.
Fucking know-it-all in a turtleneck.
Feeling that rage is
all part of the natural process, you know.
This book I found shoved
under the toilet sink in the county lockup
talks about the five stages of grief.
Right now, you're in stage two.
That's anger.
Oh, lady, I was born in stage two.
And now, we send him off...
[kisses]...with a kiss.
Thanks, Bobby. I'm not scared anymore.
I'm glad
I got to spend Halloween with you.
For me, every night is Halloween.
Here. Trick or treat.
- Whoa.
- [Bobby] Hoo.
Those things explode like cherry bombs
in a crematorium.
Grieving is painful,
but you gotta go through it
to get to the other side.
That means you gotta let that anger out.
There's no shame in being human.
Thank you.
- Need a hankie?
- No, I'm good.
- Plus, I don't know where that's been.
- Yeah, you do.
[organ music playing]
Dad, you selfish bastard.
You ruin my life, and then you die on me?
Goddamn you! Fuck you!
[Smokey] Man, fuck you!
I can be in this neighborhood!
This ain't no sundown county,
you redneck motherfucker!
Hey, Frank Murphy. Sorry for your loss.
- [tires squeal]
- [horn playing melody]
- Frank, are you...
- I am so much better, Sue.
A wise prostitute told me
it was okay to express my feelings.
[sighs] Sometimes I wonder why I try.
I've been asked to say
a few words about my dad.
Here it goes.
"William Francis Murphy
was born on March 14th, 1901
in Chinaman's Ferry."
♪ A celebration of life ♪
♪ Of a man who was mostly good ♪
♪ He's up in heaven now ♪
♪ Selling God hammers and wood ♪
♪ Goodbye, Sky Grandpa ♪
Thank you!
You've been a really sad crowd today.
You doing all right?
Aside from hearing that 20-minute song,
I'm fine.
- Maureen, your bowling party is back on.
- It was off?
[cheerful music playing]
[baby giggling]
Ah, one for you... and one for me
[inhales]
I'm ready to settle up on lane 14. Murphy.
All right. Sure thing.
Ah, there's gonna be an extra $20 charge
for the damage the diaper kid caused.
[grunts]
This here watermelon done gone bad!
Hey, no sweat. I'm in a good mood.
- And, oh yeah, your balls arrived.
- What balls?
The bowling balls you ordered on the 23rd.
Yeah, they just came in.
[chuckles]
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Oh.
Uh,
maybe a different Mr. Murphy ordered them.
- I'm not sure who it was.
- Me neither. [clears throat]
Whoever bought these,
I sure as hell don't know him.
[whistles] Wow.
They're gorgeous.
Uh, I guess some lucky guy and his dad
are gonna really love them.
You know, we have a father-and-son league
that bowls on Thursday, so...
[jarring piano notes play]
Why did you have to die?
[crying] We missed out on so much!
We were just about to fix it!
Ah! No!
[sobbing]
♪ He isn't much
In the eyes of the world... ♪
[Frank sobs] Dad!
Dad!
You fucking bastard!
[grunts]
♪ But he is the world to me ♪
♪ My dad ♪
♪ Now here is a man ♪
♪ To me, he is everything strong ♪
♪ No, he can't do wrong ♪
♪ My dad ♪
♪ My dad ♪